Wednesday, 11 November 2020
Friday, 6 November 2020
- Apparently, votes were received in the names of several dead cardinals, including Martini, Bugnini, Duèse (Pope John XII), and Judas (Iscariot).
- Allegedly, there was a surprise delivery of 100,000 votes, all in the name of Jorge Bergoglio and, very suspiciously, marked "Printed in China".
- Several cardinals claimed that they were prevented from voting, having been told by the St Gallen Mafia representatives that "The polls are closed", or "You are not wearing the correct-coloured socks" and even "Only votes for Bergoglio are permitted."
- Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor was seen talking to several cardinals with weak eyesight and offering to help them fill in their ballot papers.
Thursday, 5 November 2020
Monday, 2 November 2020
Saturday, 31 October 2020
Blase Cupich, world's worst cardinal, and avoider of rabbit holes that may contain awkward rabbits: This should be the ideal handbook for anyone wishing to influence vulnerable people. They may have been brought up as Catholics, but their gut feeling is for the "Seamless Trousers" approach to the faith: you can't be pro-life unless you support the venerable Joseph Biden and the blessed Kamala Harris. We need to encourage this version of Catholicism.
Friday, 30 October 2020
1. Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley (USA) v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges (Germany)
2. Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli (India) v Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid (Spain)
3. St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan (USA) v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden (GER)
4. Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay (France) v Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid (Spain)
Meanwhile, here are some other things to think about: Cardinal Marx (officially the world's 2nd worst cardinal), rejects a beautiful altar in favour of a piece of junk.
Saturday, 24 October 2020
Well, I say lucky. Some people are naturally suited to the position of pope, being holy, meek, pure in spirit, merciful, and an expert at dealing with cardinals who are dodgy financiers or drug-takers. Others, like yourself, got into the job by accident, when your flustered careers adviser ticked the box marked "PAPA" by mistake for "PORTERO" on the sheet of recommended jobs for you. You could have had a great life as a caretaker/janitor, sitting in the entrance to an office-block, smoking, reading the paper, and slapping intruders, but it was not to be. You ended up as Pope, and you only rarely get the chance to slap anyone.
Anyway, you're stuck with the job, and you have certain beliefs that can't really be described as "Catholic": Marxism is great, give communion to anyone who wants it, being divorced and remarried is just fine, abortion is nothing to be bothered about, everyone will go to Heaven (or more likely nobody will as you don't believe in it), this Pachamama cult sounds like fun, ... So what do you do? You speak out. Not ex cathedra, since if you tried that be sure that your throne would act as a divine ejector-seat and you would disappear, never to be seen again. No, you can give interviews to 108-year-old journalists known for making things up from memory, you can fraternize with Marxists and abortionists - after all Jesus also met sinners, and perhaps He too used to slap them on the back and say "You're doing a grand job, carry on!" You can write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations, and people will just nod wisely and say "It's OK, it's just the Pope's personal opinion" and tap their heads significantly. It's rather disappointing really, you were hoping to hit the headlines worldwide. But one day you get to release a video on which you're talking about homosexual relationships and all Hell breaks loose (if you'll pardon the expression).
Sunday, 18 October 2020
Well, on this blog we have always taken the viewpoint that You is not saved, only I is saved, but now we must revise our ideas. So I sent a Dubium to Pope Francis and by return of post I got an invitation to the Vatican to talk to the Holy Father. Eccles: Your popeness, from the context, "saved" could mean several things: 1. Redeemed from the consequences of our sin, and permitted to dwell in Heaven eternally with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This is the sort of thing a pope should be discussing, but from the context, it may also mean: 2. Saved from the great evils that beset mankind, of which climate change is obviously the worst, as it can lead to hot days, cold days, rain, drought, and dull cloudy days with sunny intervals possibly with fog on high ground take care and have a nice day. Francis: Ha ha ha ha ha! Take that clown away. Eccles (struggling in the arms of the Swiss Guard): Assuming that you were talking about religion, Holy Father, then we have two choices here: (a) We are all unsaved. Which means that Jesus was wasting His time. This seems unlikely. (b) We are all saved. Good news. Papa-slappa gesture.) Eccles: I suppose that being saved just means that you get eternal life. For you and me, Holy Father, it means a cushy abode in Heaven. For others, like Zen and Viganò, it may mean eternal life, but stewing in the Lake of Fire in Hell. At this point the door was slammed on me and I was thrown out into the street. However, by good fortune I met Professor Richard Dawkins the celebrity atheist, author of "Why I am too grown-up to believe in God, and where He got it all wrong," who had come with some Dubia for Pope Francis. Eccles: Dicky! What would being saved mean to you, if it were possible? Dawkins: Well the Bible speaks of a land of milk and honey, and it is not far wrong. We atheists live entirely on honey, and Paradise for me would be populated by brilliant atheists, such as Grayling, Fry, John Lennon, etc., all feasting eternally on honey.
Friday, 16 October 2020
8. He shouted out great words of power, "BUILD BACK BETTER," which was also the cry of many other leaders who knew not what to do. 9. Peradventure Bo-sis wished them to build walls to protect against the second wave, or become body-builders to make their backs better? No man could say what the words meant. 10. But the fruitful mind of Bo-sis was able to devise other means of combatting the plague, and he decreed that all taverns must shut at the tenth hour. 11. He ordered that the people must cease their revels, go back to their dwellings, wash their hands seventy times seven times, brush their teeth, say their prayers, and go to their beds. 12. And it was so. 13. But his enemy Keir, chief of the Labourites, was also a man with a brilliant mind, and he proposed what he called a Circuit Breaker. 14. For the children of Bri-tain had been going round in circles for many weeks, like unto the chicken that hath lost its head, and it was time to break this circuit by putting everyone to sleep for two weeks. 15. But this did not come to pass. 16. Then Boris attempted to cheer the children of Bri-tain, many of whom were no longer able to work, by another letter of proper gander.
Hands, face, space, Build, back, better, Rethink, reskill, reboot.19. Still, in spite of all these signs of true leadership, Bo-sis was unable to stop the plague. 20. And he spake out saying "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers." 21. Thus he divided Bri-tain into three parts, known as tiers. 22. To the first tier he said "Ye shall live and prosper." To the second "Ye shall be very ill." And to the third "Ye shall die." 23. And all the people rejoiced, except perhaps those in the third tier. Continued in Chapter 9.
Tuesday, 13 October 2020
Sunday, 11 October 2020
Today I decided to reward my friend Kevin Farrell by giving him a new job. He is already Camerlengo, which means that he has the job of deciding whether the Pope is dead, and he is very good at it, since he phones me up every day to check. On his visits to Rome he taps me on the head with a small hammer to see whether I am still alive, and he has only got it wrong twice!
Anyway, I've broken with Parolin now, and he is definitely on my list of ex-friends. He was doing so well - he says the Chinese love him, and when they appoint 100 new communist cardinals (any time now), they'll all be voting for him as the next Pope. Over my dead body! (Or at least over my sleeping body if Kev gets it wrong...) But people say that Pete is too much of an Eminence Grise, and it's time to take him down a peg. Well, dear diary, that's all I've got time for now, I must dash off and put in an appearance at the grand Tutti Frutti celebration party...
Wednesday, 7 October 2020
This is what it's all about.
The prize-winning work is said to draw on the writings of such renowned theologians as Karl Marx, Maximilien Robespierre, John Lennon, Meghan Markle, and Greta Thunberg, with lots of citations of the humblest pope in history (Pope F*****s). To get some flavour of it, pick three words at random from the word cloud above, and form them into a sentence. Bonus marks if you spot anything to do with religion, such as "God", "Jesus" or "Sin". So we dipped in and got "world", "people" and "dignity". Our message to you all is "The dignity of the people of the world." Or possibly "Dignity from the world of people." You can probably find both phrases somewhere in Tutti Frutti.
2. Pope Francis doesn't like the death penalty. So Catholic teaching has changed. Next week, Catholic teaching on abortion, homosexuality, drug orgies, embezzling money, and framing Australian cardinals may also be changing. Do let us know your suggestions!
Friday, 2 October 2020
Well, it would have to be a lawyer, and other good boxes to tick are (1) being female or possibly gender-fluid, (2) being black or at least not white, (3) being a socialist, anarchist, or at least a liberal, (4) having no perceptible religion that might influence how you live your life, although atheism would of course be optimal.
So who do they get to replace Aunt Ruth? Amy Coney Barrett! She ticks Box 1, but not the others.
Problem 3. Still, you can't be pro-life unless you follow the "seamless garment" philosophy. You won't catch her adopting kids, especially not black kids; I don't imagine she does anything charitable. Not like Joe Biden who gave 3 dollars to charity last year, even if it was tax-deductible. And I'll bet she would abort a Downs kid without thinking - what a hypocrite, eh?Solution 3. Actually, she's adopted two black Haitians and has a Downs kid. Problem 4. Gotcha! Cultural imperialism. I'll bet she chains the black kids up at night and sends them into the fields to pick cotton during the day time. And a Downs kid! What a sadist! She just likes to see him suffer.
Tuesday, 29 September 2020
They seek him here, they seek him there. Those Chinese seek him everywhere. Is he in Heaven or is he in Hell? That demned elusive Popernel.
But there is another cloud on the horizon. Cardinal Billabong from Australia has escaped from prison, and he's come to check your tax returns! Unlike Tao, he has very good eyesight, and you won't be able to elude him so easily. Hmm... this one could be tricky. If I get any good ideas I'll let you know.
Saturday, 26 September 2020
"I have here a letter from the Count of Monte Ballarat," said the Pope. "In fact it's really Cardinal Pell, the man imprisoned in the Château Wallaby for fifteen years on trumped-up charges. He has now escaped and is starting to take revenge on the people who betrayed him. I'll Becciu weren't expecting that! (Joke!)"
"But why does he use the alias 'Count of Monte Ballarat'?" asked Becciu. "He knows very well that my secretary has orders to tear up all letters from cardinals on sight. We don't want any more Dubia slipping through! Now, Pell was looking into the finances of the Vatican before he was sent away, and has laid some very severe charges against you."
"Hand over your red hat and your key to the Cardinals' washroom. Cardinal Cocainepusher wants me to tell you that you're not invited to any more Saturday night parties. Gammarelli's will no longer be giving you a staff discount." "Can I keep my email business, sending messages to gullible people offering them a million euros if they let me use their bank account?"
"Yes, no problem, Giovanni. And don't worry - I'm going to commission a full report on the whole affair, but it's in a queue after the McCarrick report, so you're all right for ten years or so." "Phew!" "Just one thing though... the Count of Monte Ballarat says that there are more people he wants to expose, including FATHER BIG, himself. Do you think he knows about that money we've been getting from Soros and Xi Jinping?"