Vicious attacks made on Sarah

Holy Land, about 2000 BC,

Faithful Catholics, who do their best to respect Pope Abraham, have been shocked by the persistent attacks on his wife Sarah from various ultra-liberal writers such as Christopher Goat of the Stone Tablet, Robert Mickheap the manure-dealer, Massimo Bean, Mike-and-Bernie Winters, etc. who find that she has this distressing habit of taking God's teaching seriously.

Pope Abraham and Cardinal Sarah.

Sarah herself has maintained a dignified silence in the face of abuse, which has even come from well-known clergy, such as Kasper the Jester ("She's a bit, er, African, isn't she?" he says) and Fr James Lot SJ, who has been attempting to build bridges with the LGBT community in the Cities of the Plain (supported by his wife Rosica the "Pillar of Salt" broadcaster), although the last bridge fell into a lake of fire.

Of course Pope Abraham's own ministry has not been uncontroversial. Some have accused him of trying to change Church teaching on infanticide, after a mysterious incident involving his son Isaac at Moria, and the subsequence apostolic exhortation A Moria Sacrificia. Indeed, the situation has become so bad that Abraham has refused to answer all dubia asking him to explain what on earth he means.

Cardinal Burke, have you tried submitting your dubia using a six-year-old sockpuppet? You might get a reply that way.

Of course, some say that Abraham is merely following Sarah's advice to "remain silent", and it is rumoured that they have not spoken to each other for 93 years.

The real fear of Sarah's critics is that she will survive Abraham, and take over as Matriarch: the "Mesopotamian Mafia" are hoping to elect someone more liberal such as Isaac, who is not expected to take church teaching very seriously.

Some mockers have portrayed Abraham as a cartoon character such as Superman, Scooby Doo or Popeye.

Fr James Martin answers your questions

Dear Fr Martin. I understand that you are a Bridge expert?

Jim: Yes, my son!

In his new book Fr Jim argues that the LGBT Church must accept Catholics.

Well, answer me this then. The bidding at a game in my seminary went as follows:

North-South vulnerable, East-West predatory.
2 Hearts
I'd like to make a pass.
Game?
I am if you are.

West has no honour, so how should he bid?

Playing the Jesuit convention: make up the rules as you go along.

Jim: NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! Oh how we hate him!

I have a very simple question, Fr Jim. Is there anything at all that you consider sinful?

Actually, sin is never mentioned in the Bible, so who am I to say that anything is wrong? Still, I do get cross when Fr Thomas Reese steals the last fairy cake, or whenever someone calls me a heretic. Don't they realise that I am now a very important adviser to Pope Francis?

THE GAY BRIDGE DISASTER

Beautiful Bridge so proudly gay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That thousands of souls have been led astray
By that wretched book on building a bridge,
The Catholic way, including, er, um, bondage.

William McGonagall SJ.

Let's forget all this bridge nonsense for a moment, Fr Jim. Could you explain again your theory that Mary Magdalene was the first bishop? It always brings me out in giggles...

How to be a Christian and a politician at the same time

Many readers have written to me along the following lines:

Dear Eccles, I have been selected as prospective Conservative/Labour/Liberal Democrat/Buckethead candidate for East Cheam (or it may be Walmington-on-Sea), but I am worried that my religious views will make it impossible for me to succeed. Strangely enough, I am one of those Christians who basically believe in God, Christ, Sin, Redemption, etc. Can you advise me?

This is tricky, but I will try and explain what you must do. Well, you could become a DUP MP, where religious principles are actively encouraged, but this may not be possible in an English region such as Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh. So another strategy is required.

Tim Farron MP takes part in a charismatic service.

I also get letters from Muslims saying that they want to be Mayor of London but happen to believe in killing the infidels in order to end up with 72 virgins in Paradise. I explain to them that this is not a problem, as nobody will dare question them on the details of their faith. If they happen to take the Koran seriously then the BBC, Guardian, and other left-wing media will simply congratulate themselves on their tolerance of diversity.

So, how should the ambitious Christian proceed? Well, take someone like Theresa May or Michael Gove as your model. Support same-sex marriage, don't stick your neck out on pro-life issues, and remember that ONE DAY, PRACTISING CHRISTIANITY WILL BE ILLEGAL AGAIN, AND YOU WILL NEED TO MAKE A STRONG NOT-GUILTY PLEA.

"Only joking, folks!" Theresa May pretends to be a Christian.

Of course you will be asked by religious experts such as little Owen Jones of the Guardian, "But you're a Christian. Didn't God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible? Doesn't that mean you want to burn all gays?" Or maybe "You're a Christian, aren't you? You don't like dismembering babies? What kind of monster are you, denying a woman's right to choose!"

Luckily, we have the modern Catholic Church as our model here. Fr James Martin LGBTSJ is our teacher on matters of homosexuality, and we now know from this great man that the rainbow brigade are above criticism, and should be allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want, without any comments being made. If you have not brought up your kid to be a transgendered gay activist with an interest in bondage and doing naughty things with geese (any Jesuit college can provide details) by the age of 8, then YOU ARE A BIGOT.

Hey, I've just received an invitation from Fr James Martin!

Likewise, Pope Francis in his unparalleled wisdom has appointed "philosopher" Nigel Biggar - who doesn't think that babies are human - to the Pontifical Academy for Life. (Sorry, this is often a satirical blog, but that appears to be a FACT.) The remaining members of the PAL are not yet finalized, but we expect that Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams of the IRA will become influential members.

"Help! It's someone from the Pontifical Academy for Life!"

Which brings us neatly back to politics. Good luck with your career, and, if you are asked about your beliefs, give a light laugh and say "Oh, we don't worry too much about moral issues in the modern church!" It's the only way you'll succeed.

Pope Francis approves electronic tagging for clergy

As reported by Rorate Caeli, the Vatican is taking steps to keep its cardinals under control; if one of them is absent from Rome he is asked to let the Secretariat know where he is.

Sensors indicate that Cardinal Burke is hiding somewhere round here.

In phase 2, it is planned to extend this to all clergy, with the introduction of electronic tagging using the TAGLE^TM: this is a white collar worn round the neck, and if you see any priests so dressed, you can be sure that they are already under surveillance.

The Vatican's main computer AMORIS (Analytical Machine for Organizing Radically Innovative Services) will process the data transmitted by priests and bishops worldwide, and flag up any signs of "rigid" practice. For example, the tag will be able to detect whether the priest is facing east for an extended period of time, and warn the Pope that an Extraordinary Form Mass may be taking place. In addition, a smoke detector fitted to the tag will record the excessive use of incense.

A rigid priest. No chance of promotion if this gets out!

Priests who wish their masses to find favour with the Pope are recommended to move around a lot, perhaps in some form of liturgical dance, as the tag will detect this and transmit a signal saying "It's OK, this priest is one of us". Also the tag will detect (and approve) the use of hymns with particularly banal rhythms and harmony, especially those containing clapping and words such as "Ch-ch". On the other hand, sounds of Gregorian chant will set off a persistent high-pitched whistling from the tag. You have been warned, Father.

"Nothing can block the signal!" A model shows off the Rosica version.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

1. So Maysis took the advice of the prophets Comres, Mori and Yougov, and called an election, that she might defeat Jeremiah of the Corbynites and finally lead the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

Maysis seeketh advice from the Lord of Bucket-head.

2. For her counsellors had spoken unto her, saying, "Thou art a ghastly old trout, but surely Jeremiah is even worse?"

3. "For he hath friends among such as Gerald of the Adamites, who slay the widow and the orphan; not to mention many other Terrorites."

4. "Go forth and win. Thou canst not do worse than Cam-aaron, he who is now gone to a better place. Or at least, one that pays better."

Jeremiah goeth out to meet the Maronites.

5. So Maysis wrote an epistle, that is called Manifesto, in which she promised to be Strong and Stable.

6. Although she later changed her mind, especially when she sought to raise taxes upon the old and demented,

7. And Jeremiah wrote his own epistle, in which he promised wondrous gifts to the Many and not the Few.

8. At which the Few were exceeding wrathful, as they would have to pay for them, if anyone ever did.

9. Moreover, Jeremiah was aided by an abbot called Diane, known for her skill with numbers, who explained that she would appoint seventy-six million policemen to protect the children of Bri-tain.

10. That is, everyone in Bri-tain would henceforth be a policeman, and Diane would import a few million more from the land of I-sis to make up the numbers.

And the people of Bri-tain spake, saying, "Ave, ave, ave, what is all this, then?"

11. We need not speak long of other famous men, such as Farron of the Libdemites, he who abandoned his faith on learning that that following the Lord's commandments was a vote-loser.

12. Nor on the fate of the Ukipites, who had spoken for many years saying "We must leave EU-gypt."

13. For the reply came, "Yes, the 50th article is already triggered, and now all we need to know is, who shall go forth to drink the Pharaoh Juncker under the table?"

There cometh the only man who can drink more than Juncker.

14. At last the big day came, and the children of Bri-tain voted, saying "Alas, we hate the lot of you."

15. So Maysis, she who was hated slightly less than Jeremiah, remained as the leader.

16. But she spake sweet words unto the Dupites of Ire-land, saying, "Cleave unto me, for surely ye must hate Jeremiah and his Terrorite friends." And it was so.

17. And all the Corbynites spake out with one voice. saying, "But the Dupites hate Catholics!" And the reply came back, "Well, so do you!"

A Dupite banner (on loan from Cardinal Burke).

18. And the Corbynites spake out again, saying, "Yet the Dupites love not the marriage that is gay!" And the reply came back, "Neither do thy friends the Muslimites!"

19. At this the Corbynites despaired, saying, "The people have spoken, but they have not yet demonstrated in the streets, so the result is invalid."

20. And still the clock ticked on, towards the day when May-sis must send people forth to drink with Juncker.

To be continued.

Is sin objectively disordered or just differently ordered?

Is bonkers heretic ought Martin laicised who James SJ completely a be to!

At first sight that sentence doesn't make much sense, and some old-fashioned readers might even say that it was out of order - disordered, even. But no, according to modern Catholic thinking it is merely differently ordered, and that is just as good!

Haterf Mesaj Irantm JS (a man in Holy Disorders).

We don't talk about Good and Evil, or Sin, any more. In the New Jesuit Bible "The wages of sin is death" becomes "The wages of being differently ordered is a nice job in Rome." Likewise, "Deliver us from evil" becomes "Let us be accepted as differently ordered."

We all love Fr James Martin LBGTSJ, the Pope's special adviser on comedy, morality, and theology; writer of as many books as Dan Brown (although they are not as spiritually nourishing, I'm afraid). We are grateful to sunny Jim for changing the vocabulary of modern religion.

We don't say "Tidy your room," we say "How nice, it's differently ordered."

Let's have some more wisdom from the New Jesuit Bible. Job's "God has turned me over to the ungodly and thrown me into the clutches of the wicked" is certainly not merciful, indeed it is disgustingly judgemental. It now becomes "God has introduced me to some rather charming Jesuits, who are teaching me a differently ordered lifestyle."

One final example from the Book of Proverbs: "A false witness will not go unpunished, and whoever pours out lies will perish." Fr James and his team find this passage particularly offensive, and have rendered it as "There is no such thing as objective truth, merely a differently ordered presentation of the facts. This is perfectly fine with us."

A differently-ordered Heaven awaits us!

Pope Francis, his friends, and his enemies

All right, the secret is out. One Peter Five reports that I have taken the advice of John Major (as given 25 years ago in Private Eye) and bought myself a little black notebook. On the cover I have written BASE TRADS (later corrected, on Rosica's advice, to BASTARDS), as it contains a list of all the Catholics that I hate, and who must NEVER be promoted.

My hero, John Major. Knew how to deal with rebels.

Page 1 is devoted to one man, Cardinal Burke. The man simply won't go away, no matter how much I insult him. When he comes to visit me, I make him sleep in the dog kennel with Austen Ivereigh, and - such is his obsession with obedience - he obeys me. And he will keep asking me to answer his wretched dubia.

Page 2 has many names of base trads, including Sarah, Müller, etc. Memo, it is time to sack Sarah, he's getting above himself. Keeps referring to the authority of Pope Benedict, as if there hadn't been a change of government since then.

And so on, through the other pages.

Still, I do have friends as well. And they're not all Jesuits, I mean, I even have friends who don't roll up their trouser legs, bare their breasts, and do funny handshakes!

My new friend, the Bishop of Hallam (the one with the shirt on).

Ralph Heskett, the Bishop of Hallam, is my new friend, and I really think I shall make him a cardinal soon. He's very hot on ecumenism, and has been telling people how to venerate pagan deities - Buddha, Zeus, that Hindu chap with lots of arms, Stephen Fry, etc. Nobody is going to call him a rigid neo-pelagian, are they? Of course, Vincent Nichols has been doing that sort of thing for years - how do you think he got promoted?

Incidentally, my friend Jimmy Martin SJ is very keen on Buddha - the walls of his room are plastered with photos of men without shirts on: he tells me they are all pictures of Buddha, and are being used for his LGBT researches. I am not sure what he means by that, exactly, and surely he can tell the difference between Buddha and David Beckham? Strange chap.

It's doctrine, but not as we know it!

The other exciting thing I did this week was to develop some new Catholic doctrine, inspired by the Holy Spirit of Surprises. In fact the Spirit surprised me by making me misread my homily. I was supposed to say that Man was nothing without God, but I actually misspoke and said God was nothing without Man! How we laughed. Still, at least I didn't say it infallibly, although I fancy that I shall be getting another irritating phone call from Cardinal Burke... Memo: should have gone to Specsavers.

Someone calling themselves the Abbot of Hackney (although I don't know what monasteries we have there), has sent me an e-mail offering to give me advice on public appearances, the avoidance of gaffes, etc. He or she has also offered to audit the Vatican accounts. A new friend!

My new friend, the Abbot of Hackney.

Which are the authentic believers: radicals or moderates?

In these troubled times, a debate has opened up about the role of religious fundamentalism. Which are the authentic representatives of their faith: the radicals who have been causing so much trouble, or the moderates who blend unnoticed into society?

A radical meets a moderate, or vice-versa.

It's a shocking thing for a blogger to say, but it is not the moderate Christians who reflect the teachings of their founder. As Mayor Sadiq Khan has said "Living in a big city, we must accept radical Christians, loving their neighbours, giving alms to the poor, visiting the sick, sheltering the homeless, protecting the weak, and so on. But there is no need to panic."

Of course most Christians are anxious to deny that they do "good deeds". They just want to fit in with society, for example by approving of abortion, or homosexual relationships.

Nancy Pelosi explains: we can be Christian without taking Christ seriously!

But the police are aware that some Christian preachers - a minority, certainly - are radicalising their flock with aggressive slogans such as "Love thy neighbour", "Obey my commandments", and "Peace be with you". There are destinations such as Jerusalem, Rome, Lourdes - even Walsingham - where people are deliberately encouraged to take Christ's teaching seriously.

Lourdes - should we allow people who have been there to re-enter the country?

There are those who claim that "true" Christianity is the moderate sort practised by ordinary non-religious Christians - the ones who attend church once a year, get drunk, watch porn, fiddle their taxes, and tell lies when they feel like it; but they have a weak case. For, look at the Founder of the religion, and He was nothing at all like that. No, those irritating do-gooders who cause such a nuisance may actually be nearer to the true faith. And - harsh though it may be - we should judge a religion by its founder. Unless it is Islam.

A charismatic Christian - probably the most irritating sort.

How would God vote?

In this post about British politics we shall (as usual) take the mainstream Christian view of God, namely as the Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Spirit. So those with imperfect viewpoints who see God as Allah, Vishnu, the Tiger God, or a bowl of porridge (the Quakers) will be disappointed.

GOD the Father

This one is easy. The Father is an authoritarian figure; indeed He produced the Ten Commandments as a definite policy. He must be a Conservative, probably even a Thatcherite. He would certainly be described as "Strong and Stable".

Allowing the vast majority of his people, except for a wealthy yacht-owner (Noah) and his family, to be drowned in a flood, is the sort of policy that conservatives can only look on with envy.

All right, there's some stuff in the psalms about the Lord being a shepherd, and people lying down in green pastures (definitely appealing to the Greens), but generally the Old Testament has little to say about carbon footprints and recycling plastic bags. So a Tory He must be.

"Vote Conservative! Mind you, I'm not all that keen on Theresa May."

GOD the Son

Jesus is easier to pin down, as He is the only one of the Trinity who is actually human. He was very keen on helping the poor, so it is not surprising that the Labour party would like to claim Him. After all, their main appeal is to poor people such as celebrities (footballers, actors, BBC comedians, etc.), doctors, professors, etc. Oh and a few ex-miners and ex-steelworkers aged about 95.

The other reason why we assign Jesus to the Labour party is that He bears a distinct resemblance to the young Jeremy Corbyn, although without his fondness for Marxism, terrorism, etc. Indeed, as a Jew, Our Lord might feel unwelcome in the modern Labour party.

The IRA theatre players with their re-enactment of the Last Supper.

Still, the "what would Jesus do" people tend to focus on His "Labour" credentials as a touchy-feely softie, rather than His habit of chastising people with ropes of knotted cord (surely a UKIP habit?) - not to mention the threats of Hellfire - so let's provisionally assign Him to Labour.

GOD the Holy Spirit

The problem with the Holy Spirit is that He (or She if you believe James Martin SJ) has never been known to make a precise statement. A lot of hot air rushing around with good intentions... well, that suggests the Liberal Democrats.

"Kumbayah, Lord," say the Lib Dems.

You'll find that the people who mention the Holy Spirit a lot (especially when implying that Christ's teaching could do with a little updating) would fit in well with the Lib Dems: think of their leader Tim Farron and his "these are my principles, but if you don't like them I've got others" attitude to abortion and same-sex weddings.

---

So, according to the Trinity, we must expect a hung parliament. Of course, by looking at the early church, we can find representatives of other parties: St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, would be SNP; St Peter, with his suspicion of foreigners, would be UKIP, and so on.

Maybe we can get more guidance by asking a bowl of porridge.

Are the Jesuits purely symbolic?

Following a load of heretical claptrap this week from someone with the implausible title of Jesuit Superior General, this blog is concerned with the burning question of the week: do the Jesuits really exist or are they merely symbols of evil?

I am the very model of a modern Jessie General:
I teach the ancient heresies and make sure they're perennial.

It is hard to believe in the reality of any Catholic priest expressing the view that the Devil doesn't exist (the Anglicans have seen similar opinions from the official Comedy Vicar, Giles Fraser of the BBC and Guardian, but he has long been recognised as a mythical figure). Likewise, this General Sosa character was also supposed to have said that one could not rely on the Bible for Jesus's words, as He didn't have a tape-recorder handy. Comedy gold, but not exactly spiritual nourishment.

Theologians attempt to analyse the recorded words of Arturo Sosa.

It is true that there was once a real Jesuit society, founded by St Ignatius of Loyola, which had many very virtuous and holy members. However, it is believed to have died out some time in the 20th century. So, just as "Druid" has become a term referring to a weirdo who likes to cavort around Stonehenge at the Solstice wearing silly clothes, "Goth" is someone who wears black clothes and wouldn't know how to build a cathedral if his life depended on it, and a modern "Vandal" owes little allegiance to Wisimar or Godogisel, you can be sure that anybody with "SJ" after his name is only in it for the laughs.

So what do Jesuits symbolize? Can it be the seven deadly sins?

Fr James Martin SJ - plays Lust in the Jesuit pantomime.

The "official" seven deadly sins are (in order of popularity) lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, wrath, envy and pride. Actually, I tell a lie, they're all pretty popular, and some aren't even recognised as sins. Also, the biggest sins of which Jesuits are symbolic - teaching false doctrine and general thick-headedness - don't seem to have made it into the Premier League of 7. Still, there are some Jesuits who definitely do seem to be there purely to symbolize one particular vice.

Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ - plays Wrath in the Jesuit pantomime.

No, it can't be the seven deadly sins (I can't think of a slothful Jesuit, or even a particularly gluttonous one). But, once you have realised that the Jesuits are not real people, it does raise lots of questions. And of course Pope Francis is also a Jesuit, and beyond criticism: so, even if he is mythical, he must symbolize something.

Pope Francis SJ (right) - symbolises clear and unambiguous teaching, a willingness to answer questions on doctrine, the maintenance of the dignity of the papal office, a respect for tradition, and a refusal to judge, condemn or insult other Catholics.

"I did not meet the Forces of Darkness" claims Corbyn

There was further embarrassment for Jeremy Corbyn today over his dubious friendships, which apparently already include the IRA, Hamas, Hezbollah, and indeed almost any organization hating the UK. For it was claimed that Jezza had had amicable relationships with the Prince of Darkness and his minions.

Mephistopheles and Corbyn in negotiations.

Said Mr Corbyn, "No, I never met Mephistopheles, well, that is to say, yes we did have tea together, but we never negotiated the sale of my soul. You see, my adviser Diane Abbott had trouble getting to grips with the proposed financial arrangements. Anyway, all our discussions were aimed at promoting peace between the Forces of Good and the Forces of Evil. All right, I did go on a march in support of Satan, but I have a certain sympathy for him as a fallen angel; he tells me that he is excluded from Heaven by God, who is obviously a Tory, since He refuses to treat all people equally."

Was Jeremy Corbyn also an adviser to Stalin in the early 1950s?

Meanwhile, Theresa May is still expecting to win the General Election with her hard-hitting slogan "I may be a ghastly old bat, but at least I'm not Jeremy Corbyn."

The end of Islamic fundamentalism

We have been consulted by various Muslims, anxious to solve the problem of "rigid" "fundamentalist" Muslims, the sort who think that massacring kids is a pretty neat idea. Now at last we have the solution!

HOLD A MECCA II COUNCIL!

After 1400 years, it is clear that Islam does need a little updating. For a start, the prophet Mohammed will have to go. Just as Anglicans have abandoned Jesus Christ in favour of Henry VIII, and Catholics now worship Pope Francis (your mileage may vary), it is possible for Muslims to have a new universally-respected leader, and here he is:

Sadiq Khan, descendant of Genghis, and Mayor of London.

Of course, we do not propose to jettison the Koran, which is a truly holy book for Muslims, but a new "Good News Koran" has been commissioned, replacing the old "King James Koran", and making the more controversial passages more user-friendly. Out go references to slaying the infidel, and in come touch-feely Islamic teachings about giving them a pretty fierce telling-off when they are invited round for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

Bring on the clowns!

Clown Masses work so well for Catholics, that Mecca II is advocating something similar for Muslims. And balloons. And liturgical dancing. Out goes Arabic as the main language of the Islamic Church, and in comes "Vernacular". No longer will Islamic festivals all be celebrated on the same day, but, taking the lead from the Catholics, local churches will be able to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, etc., at a time convenient to the local Imam.

Of course we still need the agreement of the more old-fashioned Islamic Churches - we don't regard the ISIS people as heretics, merely as slightly "traddy" - but there should be no serious difficulties in modernising Islam.

Paul Inwood - his Allahu Akbar Ch-Ch will be heard in mosques around the world.

What will happen when Donald meets Francis?

An in-depth analysis by Austen Ivereigh, the man who has the Pope's ear; with additional material by Massimo Faggioli, the man who has the Pope's false teeth, and Antonio Spadaro, the man who has the Pope's sockpuppets.

As quoted in CNN, the Guardian, CRUX, the Luton Budgie-fancier's Gazette and all other leading news sources.

Austen Ivereigh.

Nobody knows Pope Francis like I do, having written the definitive biography of the great man. I have also looked up Donald Trump on Wikipedia, and apparently he is the President of the United States of America, as well as a ballet dancer of no mean abilities (memo: check this on a more reliable web site). And the question that everyone is asking me, is, Austen, why don't you belt up for once? Austen, what will happen when these two titans meet?

Will Pope Francis go straight for the jugular, attempting to strangle Donald Trump? Will he poison his coffee? Will he drop a sixteen-ton weight on him? All these are things that a pious saintly Catholic such as Francis may feel obliged to do, to maintain the purity of the Vatican.

One possible outcome, but - in my analysis - not the most probable.

Trump of course is another strong personality who doesn't like being messed around. Will he come to the aid of the Sovereign Order of Malta by getting his CIA agents to intern the Pope as a war criminal? Will he activate the Palantir of Melania, causing all the secrets of the Vatican - including the answers to the five dubia - to be revealed once and for all?

Donald Trump activates the Palantir of Melania.

Well, you may think so, but we Catholic experts think otherwise. There will probably be an embarrassed silence, until Francis asks one of his valued aides, such as Cardinal Parolin, "Who is this man with the funny hair?" On being told that it is the American president, Francis will summon his trusted adviser, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, to advise him. Fr Jim will take one look at Trump and run screaming from the room. Trump will attempt to break the ice by saying "I've always been an admirer of yours, Pope Benedict, your saintliness."

Once both parties have worked out who the other is, they will exchange gifts. Francis will give Donald a copy of Amoris Laetitia, and the President will give the Pope a model of the Statue of Liberty, They will shake hands, and pose for photos, and that will be it. No discussion of political issues, as neither of them can bear to be contradicted.

From the Leader of the Free World to the Leader of the Saved World.

© Austin Powers, 2017

Pope Francis affected by ransomware virus

It was finally admitted this week that Pope Francis had been hit by the ransomware virus - which scrambles data and makes it incomprehensible - a fact that commentators see as explaining many of the statements coming out of the Vatican recently.

"I can save your pictures of cats, but the Magisterium is lost forever."

For example, a recent statement that the Corpus Christi procession would be moved to Sunday, "to cause less inconvenience in Rome", was obviously nonsense - only the English and Welsh bishops would do something as silly as this. In fact it was a result of the papal diary being encrypted by the virus, and having to be reconstructed from memory. Pope Francis has no intention of changing his official policy of causing inconvenience to people, which includes dropping in on random houses in Rome to bless them when the family would rather be watching Dr Who.

"Everyone who reads Amoris Laetitia wants to commit suicide, Doctor."

For Jesuits, releasing statements that cannot be deciphered - or, more commonly, can be deciphered in any way you wish - is all part of the training. However, it turns out that the ambiguities in Amoris Laetitia were not simply Jesuit waffling, but a direct result of attempting to reconstruct the decisions of the Synods on the Family from corrupted data.

Software experts - Engineers Burke, Sarah and Müller included - have spent months attempting to make sense of AL, and they believed that by sending five questions to Pope Francis they could determine what the uncorrupted version of AL was supposed to have said. However, the questions mysteriously vanished from the papal discs, and Pope Francis is embarrassedly trying to pretend they never existed.

Pope Francis presents a copy of his book The Great Sycophant to his hero, Austen Ivereigh.

Over at Crux, the virus has clearly struck Austen Ivereigh, whose writings are becoming more and more deranged, as he submits garbled copy without even attempting to make it meaningful. And to think that this man was once the Voice of Catholicism, with the power to makes popes tremble!

Another victim of the virus is of course our old friend Fr James Martin SJ, whose electronic copy of the Bible was reduced to disconnected fragments, from which he ended up drawing all sorts of nonsensical conclusions about Mary Magdalene being the Church and Jesus being taught a lesson by a Canaanite woman. Luckily he has found a new career in comedy.

Still, the news is not all bad. Pope Benedict XVI (retired) is backing Cardinal Sarah, whose own data is mercifully as clear as the day it left Heaven.

"Have you tried switching the Pope off and on again?"