Protect the Deacon!

This week we have seen the temporary suspension of the excellent Protect the Pope blog. The truth is that Deacon Nick Donnelly managed to upset a group of heretics, degenerates, people with body odour problems, perverts, atheists, people who put frogs down the necks of nuns, secularists, ACTA members, lovers of clown masses, Freemasons, people who pull the wings off butterflies, people with nasty foot diseases, shed-dwellers, abortionists, Calvary Chapel worshippers, professors, people who wipe their noses on their hands before going up for Mass, Pope-haters, supporters of same-sex "marriage", people with two-metre statues of themselves in their gardens, drunkards, Tablet-readers, fans of Paul Inwood, communists and cat-kickers. And there's supposed to be one sad individual who is all of these things.

"Hello, is that ACTA? We're leaning on the deacon, as you asked us to."

Accordingly, the "Superdeacon" has been asked to observe a period of prayer and reflection. This is bishop-speak for "Look, Nick, a bunch of loonies keeps phoning me up at 4 a.m. to complain. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for weeks. Lie low for a while, there's a good fellow!" Because after all, prayer and reflection is something that good deacons do a lot of anyway. Indeed, it's probably the results of the deacon's prayer and reflection that are proving so embarrassing to the unsaved.

So far the excellent Fr Hunwicke - another thorn in the side of the dissidents - has escaped a similar persecution, and his Mutual Endowment Policy blog continues unscathed; this is probably because it's so intellectual that most of the liberals can't really work out what he's saying, anyway.

Our patron shows his support for the deacon.

Anyway, we urge all our faithful readers - both of them - to Protect the Deacon!

Addendum: see also what Frere Rabit has to say on the subject.

An Anglican Service

For reasons I won't go into, I had to attend an Anglican Communion Service this morning, somewhere in deepest East Anglia. This is what I found.

Not the actual church, but something like it.

The church itself was built in Catholic times, several hundred years before the Reformation. I'm told that when the Church of England was set up they planned to construct a whole new set of churches, but thanks to the generosity of the Catholic Church, which lent them its own buildings, they didn't need to.

The first hymn was Onward, Christian Soldiers. I am not sure whether this was chosen as being appropriate for Lent, or because we are soon expecting to fight a re-run of the Crimean war. The hymn has a stirring tune by Sir Arthur Sullivan, and this verse in particular stood out:

Like a mighty army
Moves the Church of God;
Brothers, we are treading
Where the Saints have trod.
We are not divided;
All one body we:
One in hope and doctrine,
One in charity.

This is where the Anglicans definitely have the edge - I don't think the Catholics could sing "One in hope and doctrine" with a straight face (see this blog, passim, for reasons why not). But then a dreadful thought struck me? Was S. Baring-Gould being satirical? Were Baring-Gould and Sullivan a comic partnership similar to Gilbert and Sullivan?

I don't think he was being satirical there.

I checked this with an Anglican after the service. "Don't you have dissenters too? Some Anglicans want women bishops, some don't believe in the authority of women priests. Some of you campaign for same-sex weddings, and others think they're an abomination?"

"No, Eccles, we all believe in the traditional Christian doctrine handed down by our ancestors. We may allow some women to call themselves bishops, but nobody really takes them seriously."

The comic vestments are a hint that she is not to be taken seriously.

Then I thought of Giles Fraser, and realised that the Anglicans do have the official position of "comedy vicar" - a spiritual version of court jester - which does not exist in the Catholic Church, although some very well-qualified people are campaigning for its introduction.

The sermon was rather good. Part of the message was again relevant to the Catholic Church with which I am more familiar - the vicar was explaining the virtues of obedience, and he said in an exasperated tone that some people thought that obedience was only for dogs. Perhaps all is not well in the C of E? Do they have people like Hans Küng? Is there an Anglican ACTA trying to undermine Justin Welby? These are deep waters, Watson.

An obedient dog.

We had four hymns, all dating from the 19th century or earlier - in contrast with the last but one Catholic Mass I went to, where all four hymns were from the 1960s or later. We even had "Who would true valour see" by Bunyan, which would make a perfectly good Catholic hymn too. This was the traditional version with hobgoblins, foul fiends and lions to fight, rather than the weaker version one sometime sees; however, it was mildly modernised to "No goblin or foul fiend". I am not sure whether a goblin with a hob is better or worse than a hob-less one.

This will not daunt his spirit.

Oh, there was one dreadful part of the service. The infamous "Sign of Peace". The little country church had about thirty worshippers, and approximately fifteen of them insisted on shaking hands with me - in a Catholic Mass it might be eight out of 150. I had the feeling that some people had got up that Sunday morning and said "I'll bet I can shake hands with thirty people today. My average over the last ten services is 28.4."

Practising for the "peace".

Still, apart from that, a good time was had by all.

QUAERITUR: Is Latin bad for your soul?

Over at the little-known Rorate Caeli blog, they have broken the news that Michael Olson, the bishop of Fort Worth, Texas, has banned the Extraordinary Form of the Latin Mass at Fisher-More College (which is odd, as Fisher and More would have been amazed to see a Mass celebrated in English).

+Worth.

In his letter, +Worth issues various threats (called "norms"), explaining "I make these norms out of my pastoral solicitude and care for the students of Fisher-More College, as well as for your own soul."

As a well-regarded arbiter of moral issues, I have been asked, "Is Latin bad for your soul?" So here is some definitive advice on the degrees of sinfulness involved.

Latin or Soul? The great dilemma.

Slightly sinful: using expressions like "e.g.", "i.e.", "Q.E.D." and "R.I.P." in conversation (not realising that they are LATIN). You should certainly mention this at Confession.

Dangerously sinful: deliberately showing off with expressions such as ipso facto or persona non grata. Atone for this by making a pilgrimage on your knees to a holy place such as Fort Worth.

In peril of damnation: attending Mass and using expressions such as Gloria in Excelsis Deo, which God regards as a personal insult. Will probably be excommunicated, just as soon as they've got round to dealing with Enda Kenny.

Damned for all eternity: attending an Extraordinary Form Mass, similar to those celebrated by all Catholics fifty years ago. No hope of being saved!

Pope John XXIII: canonization cancelled after complaints from Bishop Olson.

I hope that helps.

Your application for the position of Pope

From the Human Resources Department, Vatican City

Dear Mr England,

Thank you for your application for the position of administrative officer, grade 12 (commonly known as Pope). Although the position is not actually Sede Vacante, unless you believe those cranky websites that say there has been no valid pope since the Council of Trent, we are of course aware that the current Grade 12 officer may retire at any time, and so it is advisable to keep a pool of well-trained people in reserve.

As you rightly surmised, the "conclave" at which popes are "elected" is merely for show, and the real business is the responsibility of Human Resources.

A trainee pope (possibly the next pontiff but three).

Your CV is indeed an impressive one, with a 2.1 degree in Politics, computer training, and "on the job" experience serving soup to homeless people. However, there are some clear gaps in your profile, which you may wish to remedy before re-applying in five years from now.

LATIN. You do not mention any Latin skills, but this is de facto the lingua franca of the Catholic Church (see the Vatican II documents) - indeed, we would be grateful if your re-application were to be made in Latin. This also helps us weed out applications from Latinophobes, especially smart Alecs who think we should be using Esperanto.

KISSING FEET. An important part of a pope's job is to kiss people. Whereas politicians tend to harass babies in this way, a pope is more likely to find himself kissing ugly and deformed people, not to mention the feet of complete strangers. Actually, this is not a difficult skill to learn, and we advise you to practise this on the London Underground. However, we bear no responsibility if an ugly deformed stranger decides to kick you in the face.

Excuse me, sir, you seem to be particularly ugly. May I kiss your feet?

RELEASING BIRDS INTO THE AIR. We have had some problems with this, recently, when Officer Francis refused to do a proper health and safety risk assessment before sending a hapless dove into danger at the hands of a seagull and a crow. Releasing a bird may seem easy, but we do demand that you attend an official training course before endangering doves in this way.

BLOGGING. Although your blog is generally excellent, it is not usual for popes to make a spectacle of themselves in this way. So far it seems you have resisted the temptation to post pictures of the baked beans on toast that you had for lunch, or pictures of yourself cage-fighting, but be warned we shall have to give your blog a nihil obstat before it can be accepted as an official papal document.

WELCOMING CHILDREN. You may wish to reflect on how you would react if confronted by the following situation. No hints!

An everyday problem for a pope.

Best wishes,
Cardinal Paperclip,
Human Resources, Vatican City.

Eccles bad hymn award - the winners!

Well, after discussing 27 nominations for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award, it's time to give out some prizes. In the end we decided to disqualify those hymns that are not really intended to be religious, such as Imagine, My Way, or Ding-Dong! The witch is dead, restricting attention to allegedly Christian hymns.

The first question was what to call the awards. Kevins (after Mayhew)? Estelles (after White)? Grahams (after Kendrick)? No, all these people were contenders for awards in their own right. Annibales (after Bugnini)? No, too Catholic, and after all our brothers and sisters in the Church of England, and elsewhere, often share our pain.

The Birdie Song, performed by the Tweets. Full video here.

Inspired by an old blog post by Damian Thompson, we have decided to call the awards "Birdies", after the famous Birdie Song of Werner Thomas.

To hand out the award, we would have liked to have invited the late Douglas Adams, who pioneered the concept of Vogon poetry, or else perhaps the poet William McGonagall. Since that was not possible, we are delighted to welcome the nearest modern equivalent, the former Poet Laureate, Sir Andrew Motion. So, let's have the winners.

Sir Andrew Motion regrets missing out on the bad hymn gravy train.

MOST REPETITIVE HYMN. Shared by "Walk in the Light" (Damian Lundy, 30 repetitions) and "Kumbayah" (anon, also 30), with an honourable mention to "Our God reigns" (Leonard E. Smith, 24).

BIGGEST LIE. "'I am the Lord of the Dance,' said he." (Sidney Carter).

Sidney Carton, guillotined in mistake for Sidney Carter.

LEAST SACRED WORDS "Smell of bacon as I fasten up my laces, and the song the milkman sings" (Estelle White).

LEAST LIKELY TO BE RELEVANT TO ANYTHING. "If I were a fuzzy, wuzzy bear, I'd thank you, Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair" (Brian Howard). With an honourable mention for "You don't need two shirts to your back" (Alan Dale).

LET'S SING ANY OLD GIBBERISH AWARD. "Kumbayah". With an honourable mention for "Alleluia Ch-ch" (Inwood).

Someone's screaming, Lord, Kumbayah!

HYMNS ARE ABOUT YOU, NOT GOD, AWARD. "I watch the sunrise" (John Glynn).

IRRITATING IN SO MANY WAYS BUT NOT OTHERWISE A PRIZE-WINNER. "Shine, Jesus, Shine" (Graham Kendrick).

Graham Kendrick kisses his "Birdie".

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.    On eagle's wings.    Moses, I know you're the man.
The Marseillaise.

The Unbelievers

Learning from the excellent Protect the Pope site that Richard Dawkins's film The Unbelievers has been a total flop, grossing only $14,000 worldwide, this blog has decided to help Richard by providing some publicity for his work. Here are some of the highlights of the movie, a modern Gone with the Windbag, which puts God firmly in His place once and for all!

The hero, Richard, has an invisible rabbit, Harvey, as his best friend.

The movie is a subtle blend of comedy, drama and tragedy, as it recounts the story of a learned professor who is keen to promote science and reason. Any resemblance to other identifiable films is purely coincidental.

"There's probably no God." Richard goes "on the buses" but loses his selfish jeans.

The Unbelievers features many other leading thinkers of our time, such as Woody Allen, Cameron Diaz, Ricky Gervais and Eddie Izzard, as they pursue a spiritual journey away from God with hilarious consequences!

Romantic hero Woody Allen buys the complete works of Dawkins for Diane Keaton.

Faith-heads everywhere have been struck with terror, as Richard's dramatic story exposes the fact that all religions are false - stands to reason, doesn't it? - and that a humble biologist knows more than all the theologians who ever lived.

It's stopped! I knew I shouldn't have bought it from a blind watchmaker!

Life is not always straightforward for our hero; for example, thanks to direct intervention from Al-Qaeda, Richard's attempts to tour the world with a pot of honey are thwarted after an unsympathetic airport security officer confiscates it.

Kids, they shrunk my honey!

This film will make you, in turn, laugh, cry, sneeze, fall asleep, throw up, and jump out of the window. No wonder the Vatican refused to show it in their Pius X Cinema!

Ricky Gervais demonstrates the liturgical dancing that's so important in modern worship.

Well, a short article like this can only give a flavour of the film which - in the eyes of some commentators - is funnier than Titanic, more romantic than Psycho, and more philosophically profound than Jaws: it treats themes that even Snow White and the Seven Dwarves dared not discuss. You want to see it really, don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

He's BEHIND YOU, Richard!

Harriet Harman linked to sinister organization

MP Harriet Harman was under increasing pressure today to grovel on the floor and apologise, after six days of uncomfortable questions about claims in the Daily Mail that she had had links with the Labour Party since the 1970s.

An incriminating photo from the 1980s.

The Labour Party, although currently very much a secret organization - so secret that nobody can remember the name of its leader - has in past times been very influential as a pressure group. It is said that Harriet Harman is still a member of a "shadowy cabinet" consisting of Labour Party members.

A nightmarish sigil used by "LP" members.

In fact, although the Daily Mail has made much of Harriet Harman's alleged connections in the last week, this is scarcely news to experienced Harman-watchers. For example the satirical magazine Private Eye has long claimed that Harman was associated with a man known only as "Gordon" who disappeared mysteriously in May 2010. Another person who has not hesitated to expose the sordid facts about Harman is Damian Thompson of the Telegraph: in a hard-hitting article "How Hattie’s friends defended socialism" he also revealed that MP Michael Fabricant has a bad hairstyle (I'm not making this bit up).

The man with pre-fabricated hair.

The LP, as it is known, has been associated with many dubious activities; for example, it was at one time led by a mysterious "Tony", who invaded Iraq looking for "weapons of Mass Destruction" - ironically, since he later took refuge in the Catholic church, where Mass destruction has been taking place for many years. The LP is seen by many as a severe threat to children, having permitted numerous deaths by abortion and the closure of adoption agencies. More recently, most of its members have enthusiastically embraced the destruction of traditional marriage and family life.

Leo XIII - a leftie pope, but he would be horrified by Harriet Harman.

It is clear that this scandal is not going to go away, and, until Harriet Harman apologises for her links with the LP - which, after all, might be seen as a simple error of judgement - she is going to be under increasing pressure to quit.

Tobit

Today we have a new recruit to the Eccles Bible Class, namely Graham Norton, a TV "celebrity", who described Catholics defending traditional marriage as "rats trapped in the corner of a barn". In order to help the poor man learn some manners, it was decided that he should come along to this month's lesson, which covers the book of Tobit. Hello, Graham!

Tobit (also called Tebbit).

Now, Graham, we don't have any rats for you in the book of Tobit, although there is a fish that attempts to devour the foot of Tobit's son, Tobias. Some good comes of this, as after overcoming the fish, Tobias is told: If thou put a little piece of its heart upon coals, the smoke thereof driveth away all kind of devils, either from man or from woman, so that they come no more to them. We'll try that one on you later, Graham!

Tobias (also called Toby).

Still, let's start at the beginning. It's a bit of a tangled story, as both T senior and T junior are referred to as Tobias. To avoid confusion, we'll call them Tebbit and Toby (or young Toby). Now they are both righteous chaps, living in exile in the Telegraph blogs Nineveh. Two problems are dealt with in this book:

1. Tebbit goes to sleep under a swallow's nest, gets hot dung in his eyes, and goes blind. I suppose the modern equivalent is watching Graham Norton on television. Only joking, Graham!

2. In faraway Rages, a city of the Medes, a lady called Sara has got problems with demons. Indeed, her seven husbands have been killed by Asmodeus "at their first going in unto her". Don't snigger at the back, there, Fry.

Asmodeus, the demon of lust (from his Facebook page).

So off goes Toby ("On your bike!" says his father, in some translations), and he meets the fish. Fortunately, he is under the protection of the angel Raphael, which means that he is going to win through in the end. He marries Sara, his kinswoman, and drives away the demon by burning the fish's liver in his bedroom. Of course, the bedroom smells of burnt fish for a long time afterwards, but this is a small price to pay for married bliss. Raphael binds the devil, and we hear no more of him. Do spare a thought for Raguel, Sarah's father, who digs a grave for Toby only to find that it isn't needed.

Toby goes back to see Tebbit, and uses the fish's gall to cure his father's blindness. Many years later, Tebbit dies, and Toby leaves Nineveh - which is doomed, as we'll see later when we reach Jonah - to return to the land of the Medes.

Toby and the fish.

Now, this is a great book of fish recipes, but that's not really the point. One of the themes - sorry, Graham, it really isn't your day - is marriage. And when the third night is past, thou shalt take the virgin with the fear of the Lord, moved rather for love of children than for lust, ... that sort of thing. Chapter 4, old Tebbit's advice to young Toby, is also hot on charity, wisdom, avoiding pride, praying, voting Conservative, etc.

Ah, Dawkins, I see your hand is up. I think I know what you're going to say: "Fish gall doesn't cure blindness, there are no such things as demons, or angels. Giving alms isn't going to benefit you personally. There's nothing wrong with a bit of lust." Shall we make it easy for you, as you're a beginner? Look at some of the instructive moral teaching, don't worry too much about the supernatural elements for now - I know they give you a headache - and leave it at that. Oh, and here's your guardian angel to escort you home.

John Cornwell? Doesn't he write rubbish books about popes called Pius?

Cardinal Nichols profiles Damian Thompson

This morning Damian Thompson - brought up in Reading and a life-long fan of the Catholic Church - was expected to have dressed in the scarlet silk of a Telegraph deputy editor for the first time. However, it was not to be.

I explain to Damian where he went wrong.

Some commentators even thought that Damian might one day achieve the "eminence" of a Benedict Brogan XVI or James-Pole II ("Darling Pole" to his admirers) but certain dubious incidents in his Telegraph Blogs Diocese may have delayed his elevation.

For example, the notorious "Gay" blogs, held by Fr Graeme Archer, shocked traditional Catholics. Moreover, many readers were appalled by the sentiments expressed by Professor Tina Odone, who was allowed to give so-called "Catholic" lectures in the diocese.

Sorry, Damian, no scarlet clothes for you!

Damian-haters are wrong when they suggest that he's a man of weak or wavering faith. On the contrary, it's partly his determination to get lots of hits on his blog that drives him to drivel on constantly about Noele Gordon or Soreen malt-bread, or to write four anti-UKIP posts in a week.

Chocolate: the Pope's answer to Damian's obsession with cupcakes and custard.

As one middle-aged Catholic troll told me wistfully yesterday, "Other newspapers have writers who generate a buzz because their writing is so dynamic. Thompson is just so bland."

The simple vestments of a blogs editor.

Still, with a change of leadership at the Telegraph, with traditionalist Pope Gallagher surrendering the ancient chair of Barclay to Pope MacGregor, liberal attitudes are on the ascendant, even if the circulation doesn't seem to be. Thompson has changed his style, and there is hope yet that he may become a prince of the Telegraph.

David Cameron, a life-long friend of Damian Thompson.

But put it this way: Bill Deedes he ain't.

Was that OK, Eccles? I'm a bit busy today - been invited to a booze-up in Rome! Yours ever, Vin (rouge!).

Sacred cows

The "two cows" joke, in a greatly expanded version, can be found here. For example:

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, 
and then throws the milk away.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, 
because you want three cows.

These are cows.

Recent research has found some other ways of managing cows.

ANGLICANISM: You have two cows. They would like to marry, but this is not allowed. Still, you may bless their union. They have no calves.

ACTA: You have two elderly cows. They tell you they live in fear because the Vatican won't allow them to be ordained or to use contraception.

LITURGIST: You have two cows. The traditional advice is that they should say "Moo". However, you prefer the "modernist" translation, and encourage them to say "Baa".

A liturgist (L) training a cow to say "Baa".

ZUHLSDORFITE: You have two cows. You provide them with handguns, because they have a right to bear arms. When you go to milk them, they shoot you.

POPE FRANCISCAN: You have two cows. You are reported as saying that milking cows is simply a fashion. A month later, it is revealed that you said nothing of the kind.

DAWKINSITE: You have two test-tubes containing cow DNA. They don't seem to produce any milk, but then milk is a fictional concept created by faith-heads.

Stop worrying, there's probably no milk!

BLOGGER: You have two cows. They spend all their time getting into fights with other cows, and saying how much they hate them, before retiring to their shed in disgust.

CHUCK SMITHITE: You have two cows, and you send them to the Calvery Chapel (of course). They start to leave little piles of dung all over the place.

TABLETIST: You have two cows. You sell them a magazine which is supposed to be of interest to cows. They read it, and wonder why it contains so many articles on bullfighting and recipes for steak pie.

Milking a cow, the Hans Kühe way.

I am sure that my loyal readers (both of them) will have further suggestions.

Reading Francis through Eccles

Pope Francis has a habit of making off-the-cuff remarks, some of which are misreported, mistranslated, misunderstood, or simply too profound to be understood immediately. As a service to our long-suffering readers, we present a cut-out-and-throw-away guide to some of the Holy Father's alleged obiter dicta.

That's a fine Pinocchio puppet. May we borrow it for the Good Friday Mass in Rome?

Eccles writes: Pope Francis is known for his courtesy. Rather than telling people to stop patronizing God and dumbing down his worship, he uses a gently ironic tone. The priest to whom these words were spoken is now a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist, who offers the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, replacing Pinocchio with a large Pius X puppet.

How nice to see you, President Hollande. I am a great admirer of yours.

In fact, what the Pope said was, "Thou hast had five mistresses: and she whom thou now hast is not thy wife, either, you dirty old man (John 4:18). Oh, and you can drop that stupid same-sex marriage nonsense too." As a result, President Hollande has vowed to lead a much better life, and is now training as a Catholic priest (fortunately, he has never married).

Will someone do something about that bloody crow?

Almost certainly, Pope Francis said nothing of the sort. We believe he said, "As St Francis did, I love all God's creatures. Although, to be fair, it is sometimes hard to love mosquitoes."

Self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians? Arentchasickofem?

Pope Francis's words were in fact a little more nuanced. "Who am I to judge if people sincerely wish to practise neo-pelagianism? Of course I prefer them to do so in a non-Promethean way, if at all possible. And if they insist on being self-absorbed as well, then perhaps they should think again about the possible implications of their practices."

The ancient liturgy is just a fashion.

Of course no Pope would ever make a derogatory comment about the Latin Mass, given that its importance was stressed at the Vatican II council, and the fact that Catholics throughout the ages have treasured its beauty, richness, and holiness. Clearly, the Holy Father was simply trying to be "nice" to a group of Latin-hating Czechs, including the notorious Basil Lovtuš, Pavel Invód, and representatives of the infamous Bíttapil newspaper.

Celebrities move to Belgium

Belgium has long been an attractive place for tax exiles: for example, in recent years the rock singer Johnny Hallyday and the actor Gérard Depardieu have both applied for Belgian citizenship. And this week, Adolf Hitler, 124, a retired politician, announced that he and some close friends would also be moving to the land of the sprout.

Hitler begins his house-hunting.

Herr Hitler had formerly been a resident of North Korea; however, as he says laughingly, "The political system there is great, but I get a bit tired of hot dogs made from real poodles. With the passing of this new law in Belgium, permitting the euthanasia of children, I feel I am really moving to a country that suits me."

Hitler has long been an admirer of Belgium - indeed, for a few years in the 1940s he owned it - although he never dreamed that his ideas would come back into fashion so soon. However, not all Belgians welcome the new law, and Mlle Lisa Colbert, for one, is planning to set up a resistance movement, or "secret army" to rescue children.

We'll be sending children "down the line" to Spain.

Following concerns expressed by Syria, the United Nations is expected to take some time off Vatican-bashing, to look into the situation. Said a spokesman, "We have received a proposal from the United States, that we should try air strikes on Belgium - according to Barack Obama, dropping bombs on people is the best way to help them - and we are seriously considering the possibility."

"Live long and prosper (unless you're ill)!" says Prime Minister Elio di Rupo.

Suicide, euthanasia, and abortion have long been important parts of Belgian culture. Explained one doctor: "People wake up one day, and say to themselves My God! I'm a Belgian! For many, this is such shocking news that they feel obliged to end it all on the spot."

A traditional welcoming sign at the Belgian border.

Before the new euthanasia law comes into force, it must receive the royal assent from King Philippe of Belgium, who is a devout Catholic and a regular reader of this blog. We advise him to abdicate to avoid putting his signature to this law, as did his uncle, King Baudouin when abortion was legalised, although this will not save Belgium. And where Belgium leads, can the rest of Europe be far behind? Another famous Belgian is on the case (and we don't mean Hercule Poirot).

We're working on a new "euthanasia" directive, to apply to the whole of the EU.