Methuselah dies

Today the World was in a state of total shock as it was announced that veteran activist and leader Nelson Methuselah had died at the tender age of 969.

Methuselah. Too soon to say whether he died of old age.

Said a typical commentator, "I was shocked to hear of Methuselah's passing. It certainly wasn't something I expected to happen. I think the whole world should go into compulsory mourning for this saintly being. I'm just off to leave some flowers outside Buckingham Palace - and I haven't done that since Princess Diana died."

Preliminary reports saying that Mandelson had died were in error.

One great surprise came with the news that Methuselah had not been taken up directly to Heaven, although it had been widely, er, assumed, that no other fate was possible for such a wonderful being. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is being bombarded with demands that the Vatican grant Methuselah instant canonization, as he is evidently a first-class saint.

When asked what exactly Methuselah had done to merit such adulation, commentators have unanimously praised his patient bearing of imprisonment, with no attempts to escape by digging a tunnel or leaving disguised as a washerwoman, followed by his brilliant career in politics, where he humbly became King, while wisely refusing to attempt revenge on the previous administration (unlike, say, Robert Mugabe, who, although a pious Catholic, is not likely to be mourned so enthusiastically).

Heaven - should it be renamed after its newest arrival?

Of course there will always be curmudgeons, grumblers and brutes who refuse to join in the World's hysteria grief. Obviously they must all be secret supporters of apartheid, and probably they also perform human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. However, it has been pointed out by other writers that Methuselah implemented some of the most "liberal" abortion laws in the world, as well as laws on same-sex "marriage". So perhaps, like the rest of us, he can't hope for much better than Purgatory at this stage; in that case we shall need to pray "FREE METHUSELAH" once more.

Have YOU left flowers? If not, we know where you live!

In other news: the entire United Kingdom has disappeared under water.

The bouncing pope

Pope Francis has revealed that he was once employed as a bouncer.

Pope Francis in his younger days.

The Holy Father worked in a variety of locations in his native Argentina. For example, as a very junior priest, he would say "Go, the Mass is ended" at the end of a service, and woe betide anyone who refused to leave promptly: they might find themselves leaving on all fours.

Later, as Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Francis made it his particular concern to stand at the door of the cathedral as people went in for Mass. Once in a while he would block someone's entry with an "Oi! You! You're a self-absorbed promethean neopelagian! Beat it, before I beat it for you!" followed by a "Bless you" as the erring worshipper hurriedly beat a retreat.

Pelagius - had his teeth smashed in by Augustine of Hippo.

It is not commonly known, but many papal conclaves have concluded with trials of physical strength: it doesn't matter too much if a pope keeps confusing St Peter with St Paul - the names are very much alike - but it is necessary for him to be able to fight off rival contenders for the throne of St Paul. I mean Peter.

Pope Francis wrestles Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor into submission.

Only orthodox fighting methods are allowed in the Vatican: for example the ancient art of Hans Kung Fu is regarded as heretical, as is hitting one's opponent in the face with a quiche (or Flannery, as it is called).

Cardinals train regularly.

Meanwhile, Catholic priests are urged to keep themselves in peak physical condition: in particular, if anyone arrives at their church carrying a guitar, he should be firmly prevented from entering, as indeed should anyone who is dressed for liturgical dancing. You have been warned.

Bishop John Robinson represented the Anglicans against the Catholics in the 1970s.

Church of England agrees to bless everything

Peace has finally arrived in the Church of England, as it has been agreed that from now on all actions, beliefs, and lifestyle choices are to be blessed.

"Bless everything!" says Sir Joseph Pillbox.

More specifically, in the new non-judgemental C of E it is forbidden to condemn or even criticise other people's actions. After all, when Jesus said "Judge not that ye be not judged," what he really meant was "Close your eyes to other people's actions and on no account interfere."

"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" (Epistle to the Amoralians).

Minority groups in the Church of England have been quick to demand their own blessings. Said one spokesman, Charles Litton of the association of burglars, safe-crackers and jewel thieves: "It will be a great comfort to our members if the local vicar can conduct a short service of blessing before we go out and make a dishonest living."

Said a local vicar, "At first sight some may imagine that stealing is condemned once or twice in the Bible; however, over the years we have managed to get more of an insight into what God really wants from us, and you can take it from me that He really doesn't care if people make a lifestyle choice involving what used to be known as sin."

"Monsieur, I think someone here is in need of a blessing."

As words of confession and forgiveness are deleted from the liturgy - being no longer needed - they are to be replaced by new ceremonies, so that the C of E can provide all-purpose services of blessing: these range from elaborate rituals for blessing conjugal unions involving three men and an elephant, down to "quickies" for people who are planning to pop into the supermarket and shoplift a jar of coffee. From now on, the slogan will be "DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE - JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A PROPER BLESSING."

"It looks dodgy to me, Brian, but if you're sure you're Blessed..."

Evangelii Gaudium

Well, the Pope's new apostolic exhortation, at 48,000 words (roughly twice as long as St Matthew's Gospel), is a little difficult to digest instantly, and so we have decided to let technology come to our aid. By seeing what words and phrases appear - or do not appear - we can determine what is considered important.

Our trained staff undertake a detailed computer analysis.

As a control experiment, let's start with St Matthew's Gospel, which most readers probably know something about. Some of the key phrases that occur are: "I say unto you", "The Kingdom of Heaven" and "The Son of Man" (all more than 30 times), with "the chief priests" coming up behind on about 20. I think we can conclude that the book is about Someone who is keen to put forward a religious message, possibly One with an interest in Heaven. Perhaps at some stage He tangled with some priests. I hope that helps.

Should I have said more about custard?

Turning our computer's attention to Evangelii Gaudium, we see that one phrase that comes up over 20 times is "post synodal apostolic exhortation", but that's mostly in the bibliography, so doesn't really count. "The Church" and "the Gospel" score highly, over 100 times each, so the author clearly thinks these are important (this is a good sign). There is also a fair amount about the Holy Spirit, and over a dozen mentions of "Latin American". Watson, we have here an educated person, possibly of Argentine extraction, who is trying to give some religious guidance.

Father Brown meets the Rev Chesterton.

Let's try one further experiment, with The Innocence of Father Brown by G.K. Chesterton, which is a little longer than Evangelii Gaudium. Although at first sight this appears to be the biography of a Catholic priest, perhaps something like the Confessions of St Augustine, the computer never lies, and it reveals that some of the most popular phrases occurring are "said Father Brown", "said the doctor" and "the front door". These do not indicate that we have a religious text before us, more a collection of anecdotes. Also, the last phrase is a bit of a mystery to us - perhaps it is something to do with the gates of Heaven?

Thus, on a scale of spiritual nourishment, I think it fair to say that Evangelii Gaudium (EG) scores a little lower than St Matthew's Gospel (MG), but a little higher than The Innocence of Father Brown (FB). Let us look for points in common, and points of difference.

Points in common.

All three works show a high respect for the office of priest, and both (MG) and (FB) contain examples of priests who are, well, unsaved. All three discuss salvation in a religious context. None of them seems to accept the possibility of ordaining women to the priesthood, and all three seem to show a rather traditional attitude to sin.

Points of difference

Although all three have a main protagonist who is some sort of religious figure, the hero of (EG) isn't primarily engaged in performing miracles, nor at solving mysteries (although he does refer to a "sense of mystery"). Again, in (MG) we encounter a wide range of characters, from the impressive Peter through to the villainous Judas; likewise, in (FB) we meet a range of heroes and villains, some of whom steal fish knives, and some of whom drop hammers off church towers. There is less action in (EG), although the author does speak of crime in cities, and of fish swimming in polluted rivers: by and large, he disapproves.

Thanks, Eccles!

New uncontroversial hymn

The hymn, "I vow to thee my country," much sung at memorial and remembrance services, has been criticised for being theologically a bit suspect. It is true that it does not capture the main ideas of modern religious thought, and accordingly we have rewritten the first verse to make it totally uncontroversial. Any resemblance to other famous hymns is purely intentional.

I like to watch the sunlight.

I like to watch the sunlight, all earthly things above:
For walking in the shining light's a thing I really love.
Oh, the colours of the daytime are a-dawning in my mind;
With a "Kum Ba Yah" and "Follow me" I leave the dark behind.
I see the grass and trees: if I were a butterfly,
I'd be dancing in the morning, with the Lord of sea and sky. 
(Ch Ch).

All join the dance, now!

Pope Francis not a Zygon

Having watched the Dr Who 50th anniversary episode (and we promise not to blog on Dr Who again for... ooh... at least a week), we have finally found the explanation for the sudden change in Pope Francis.

This is not the Pope.

Pope Francis has been having a lot of bad publicity lately, thanks to various statements that he is supposed to have made - or which were made up for him by Eugenio Scalfari and various liberal journalists.

Indeed, his reputation amongst traditionalists was mud, with the great Mundabor writing "Francis is clearly a sodomite pinko liberal commie pervert - although as a pious Catholic I do respect the authority of the Holy Father." Then Rorate Caeli chimed in with "We're not really sedevacantists but how can we possibly accept Francis, when he's an ex-KGB member in league with the Prince of Darkness? What's more, his Latin is terrible." Even Father Z commented: "Let's read Francis as if he'd said what Benedict said."

Scalfari - his new book is called: Believe me - Pope Francis told me he was an atheist.

Only the Bitter Pill and the National Anti-Catholic Fishwrap dared to defend the words of Pope Francis, when he said - at least according to these distinguished publications - "Stop worrying about abortion, birth control, same-sex marriage, murder, theft and adultery. Just chill out, man," and - on another occasion - "Who am I to judge between Good and Evil - they're equally good lifestyle choices!"

But all this is at an end. It turns out that for several months we did not have a pope at all, but a shape-changing Zygon. Within the last week, this alien creature has been sent packing, and a lucrative column on the Guardian awaits it, as a colleague of Chris Huhne.

Another strange being employed by the Guardian.

Now that the real pope is back on the throne of St Peter, we are seeing all the traditional statements that we expect from a pope. For example, on Twitter: "HI! I'M A CATHOLIC. RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO! LOL." (Sadly, he has not yet matched the intellectual gravitas of Pope Benedict.) Then again, "This Hermeneutic of Continuity idea sounds jolly fine. Perhaps I'll drop into Blackfen next week and find out more about it." And finally, "Spirit of Vatican II ??!!?? Arentchasickofit ??!!??" This last is regarded as a bid for a regular column in the Catholic Herald, perhaps entitled Frank Speaking.

And you're fired too!

The Two Doctors

Yes, it's the 50th anniversary of the first Dr Who episode, and we have an exciting new adventure starring the Two Doctors, Dr Tim Stanley and Dr Damian Thompson. Those alien time-lords from the planet Telegallifrey are back!

Dr Tim, with some of his most notorious enemies.

In this special story they encounter a whole range of famous villains. For Dr Tim - the one with the truly extra-terrestrial hairstyle - the one big threat comes from the Obamamen, loathsome, unscrupulous and totally amoral creatures whose only aim is total power.

See! I really am a Doctor!

For Dr Dame, the senior doctor, there is a whole range of enemies to confront, such as the repulsive Johanns of Hari, the terrifying Hitchens, and the fiendish Cormacmen, who threaten to turn the pope into robotic creatures like themselves.

"WE WILL CHANGE YOU. YOU WILL BE LIKE US..."

Of course the Master is back, too, vainly claiming to be a time-lord like the Doctor, but thwarted because he does not have a "proper" doctorate in sociology from the London School of Custard.

The Rev. Magister (or Master).

As always, Dr Dame's assistant Cristina will be at his side, ready to scream "Doctor! Doctor!", or simply to say in confused tones: "I don't know what's going on - but I'll blog about it anyway." We also see another would-be assistant, Paul, a part-time archbishop from Corby, but he turns out to be on the side of the angels, and does not survive long.

The angels practice some liturgical dance steps.

It would be wrong of us to give away the entire plot of the story: anyway, since it was written by Steven Moffat, it doesn't make a great deal of sense, being just a conflation of manic scenes with no logical connection between them. But we can reveal that the doctors zap some of the nasties with their sonic screwdrivers (while assembling a set of IKEA bookshelves with the aid of their sonic laser cannons), and they also rewrite Time itself on three occasions.

Hide behind the sofa - it's a Yeti!

The story finally ends with the Doctors defeating the Yeti, robotic creatures who serve a disembodied entity knows as the Great Stupidity.

Church changes its mind

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Jesus of Nazareth declared himself "very disappointed" today, when His twelve disciples voted by a large majority to admit an extra dozen women to their number.

Why should the men get all the best vestments?

In spite of an impassioned speech by Christ, explaining why His Father had instituted an all-male priesthood, and why He was carrying on this tradition, strong opposition came from several of the more liberal apostles.

Said St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, "Och, ya ken, ah see nothin' wrang wi' the ordination of ladies. They wear skirts just like the laddies do."

A more intellectual argument was put forward by St John, who said, "In this modern day and age it is important that Christians do not stand out from members of the general public, who might otherwise regard us as 'weird'. What women want from the Church is a well-defined career structure, with promotion on merit, and eventually the possibility of a managerial role."

An applicant for the post of Bishop of Bethany.

This is not the first time that the disciples have voted on the issue, and indeed last year they decided against creating women apostles. However, after King "Dave" Herod told them that they had produced the wrong answer, and that they must go away and vote again until they got it right, the eventual decision was never in doubt.

St Peter, generally regarded as something of a traditionalist with ties to Rome, was philosophical about the whole affair. "We'll be making this vote an annual event, and it might go the other way next year. If so, then I'm afraid the new female disciples will just have to retire: maybe some of them will take up religion instead."

Late news - men admitted to the nunhood. Washroom arrangements under negotiation.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 3 - Poirot investigates

Continued from Part 2

The story so far: Eccles is trapped in the Tablet fortress in Hammersmith, having been locked in a cell by the fearsome Professor Tina Beattie, who is driving him insane with excerpts from her infamous stage show (banned in Clifton and San Diego). Meanwhile, his Aunt Moly is waiting for him in a nearby pub. Agatha Christie continues the story.

When I've found Eccles, I must discover who stole my moustaches.

Poirot scrutinised the old lady who had demanded his help. Meticulous as always, he straightened the six gin bottles on the table in front of her, and bade her speak. "So, Madame, you say that your nephew has disappeared? Tell me the exact circumstances."

"He left me here, and went out..."

"Eh bien, did he say where he was going?"

"He mentioned tablets. And some rubbish about unsaved persons. Woeful."

To emphasise her point, Auntie Moly picked up an empty gin bottle and threw it through the open window in the general direction of a passing archbishop, who had been furtively heading towards the Tablet offices across the road. The bottle struck the prelate a glancing blow on the head. Exclaiming to himself "My God, there really is a curse on the Tablet!", he came into the pub to recover from the shock.

From now on it's tea only, Moly!

"Alors, Hastings, the solution to the mystery lies in that prison across the road!"

"You mean..."

"Yes, Eccles may be locked in one of their little grey cells."

The two men left the pub, and knocked on the door of the Tablet offices. In his career Poirot had confronted many villains in their lairs, and he was reminded briefly of the notorious Hans Kong, who frightened young women to death with a hideous statue of himself. Then he thought of the fateful day that he had finally caught up with Annibale Bugsbunni, the alleged freemason who had been exploding liturgical time bombs.

Worshippers from the cult of Bugsbunni.

"Sacré Pepinster! They do not answer, Hastings. Let us search the premises."

Eccles was still a captive, and he was looking for a ventilation shaft, having read somewhere that this was the standard means of escaping from imprisonment. However, there was none, and the sulphurous fumes wafting round the building were causing him to choke.

Elsewhere, Poirot and Hasting came across a group of Tablet staff, attempting to calm Elena Curti, who was screaming as if in great pain.

Elena Curti reacts to some shocking news.

"Good grief! Is she all right, Poirot?" asked Hastings, seeing the star journalist writhing in agony.

"I think so, mon ami," replied his friend. "She is possessed by the Spirit of Vatican II, but she has just learned of Pope Francis's condemnation of the hermeneutic of rupture. It is causing a terrible reaction."

Leaving the Tablet staff to do their best for the poor lady, Poirot and Hastings moved on to the cell where Eccles was imprisoned, and released our hero.

"That wasn't much of an adventure, Poirot," complained Hastings. "I was expecting the Tablet staff to provide you with some clues to Eccles's whereabouts."

"That is right, Hastings," said Poirot, as the three of them left the building, "but in the end they all turned out to be totally clueless."

"Boom! Boom!" says Basil Loftus.

To be continued by another author.

Hell awarded "City of Culture" title

The City of Hell (full title, Kingston-upon-Hell) has just been awarded the prestigious "City of Culture" title, fighting off stiff competition from Purgatory and Heaven (better luck next time!)

Some of Hell's cultural assets.

Said a spokesman for the judging committee, Mr Dante Alighieri, "We always thought that the Devil had the best tunes, and now that old-fashioned hymn-singing is falling out of fashion, to be replaced by Paul Inwood's Greatest Hits, the Kevin Mayhew Book of Vogon Songs, and the like, it is clear that modern Christianity, at least, is making little effort to catch up."

A modern cathedral. Heavenly, but very ugly.

In architecture, too, Heaven offers little to challenge the supremacy of Hell, as we see ancient churches converted into supermarkets, or palaces of consumerism, while "prison-style" construction inspires so many new religious buildings.

Said a prominent resident of the new City of Culture, Baron Prescott of Kingston-upon-Hell, "I am very excitable and delightful to hear the news - denigrating Hell as the City of Cultivation puts us firmly on the map, rather than just off the edge, and the working people of Hell will be calibrating tonight, no mistake. This would never have happened when we had a Tory Governess. Oh, have we?"

The James Joyce of Kingston-upon-Hell: nothing he says makes sense.

Meanwhile, spokesmen for The Church of Purgatory, such as Lord Carey and A.N. Wilson, have expressed feelings of despondency, saying "We've still got one or two nice churches - although we didn't build them ourselves - but nobody wants to attend them."

Indeed, it is hard to see what the solution could be. Modernizers have done all they can to bring the C of P up to date - they don't mention God any more, and many bishops are very happy with same-sex marriage, adultery, even a little discreet theft and murder. What more could they do?

Could glamorous vicaresses be the answer?

But enough of the problems of Heaven and Purgatory. Today is definitely a day when Hell - an increasingly attractive destination for modern youth, with its fabled lakes of brimstone, and jolly twerking demons to make them feel at home - has every right to celebrate.

Celebration in the streets of Hell.

Cristina Odone, the poster girl for today’s Catholics

Pope Francis writes:

Cristina-mania is sweeping through the Catholic Church worldwide. In countries such as Italy, Argentina and even the United States, statues of the Virgin Mary are being thrown out, and replaced by images of Mama Odone.

Even atheists are starting to warm to Mama Odone.

Part of Cristina's popularity is her liberal attitude. Traditional Catholicism was linked with long-forgotten people such as Jesus Christ, St Mary, St Peter and St Paul, who never spoke of the Spirit of Vatican II. It emphasised sin, forgiveness and redemption. However, Cristina-nity or Crist-inanity, as the new faith is called, stresses the "cuddly" side of religion.

• Telegraph now inserts random garbage in middle of blog posts.
• Tim Stanley, the 17th Doctor Who, the one with the best hairstyle.
• "Chivers" now means rubbish. Get over it.

It's too early to say whether Cristina is really at the helm of a "Vatican Spring", that will revolutionise the Church - maybe it's more of a "Fall of Man". However, thanks to her, "Catholic" is no longer a word to be associated with intelligence, good writing, or a strict sense of logic.

Sometimes there are no easy answers.

Suddenly, being a Pope feels good. People no longer sneer at me, if I mention my Faith. "You're in the same Church as Cristina Odone, aren't you?" they say, when they bump into me in the street. "Sounds fun. Can anyone join, or do you have to believe something?" Of course I reply that I'm not the best person to answer that - after all, Cristina speaks for six billion Catholics worldwide, even those who are not in the least religious. Not even God can dent this new "Cristina Effect".

Our Lady of Fathead - known for making apparitions to the gullible.

Is Pope Francis really weird?

One thing that both traditionalists and modernists seem to agree on is that Pope Francis is a very unusual pope. Is he the new broom that will sweep away traditional Catholic doctrine for good, institute same-sex marriages, stop everyone from "obsessing" about abortion, and free the oppressed and fearful - such as the aged folk of ACTA, who eagerly await the second coming of the Spirit of Vatican II? Or is he basically a mildly eccentric old uncle, who means well, but occasionally seems a bit dotty?

Pope Francis turns down the offer of a nose-piercing.

The explanation for Pope Francis's behaviour is very simple: he is not European, and therefore not what some people expected. Let us explain this with reference to three types of pope: a hypothetical English pope, a German, and an Argentine.

An English pope.

An English pope drinks dry martinis, wears evening dress under his fanon, thinks Lourdes is a cricket ground, spends the evening watching Strictly Come Liturgical Dancing, and Downton Abbey, and gets his theology from the works of G.K. Chesterton. The style of liturgical dancing he prefers is Morris dancing, or the Alleluia Cha-Cha of Paul Inwood. All educated Englishmen are like that.

A German pope.

A German pope wears Lederhosen, drinks beer, eats lots of sausages, gets his theology from the heavy guys like Hieronymus von Kartoffelsalat, and reads Kant in the bath. He may prefer the sort of liturgical dance where everyone slaps each other in the face and ends up under the altar.

An Argentine pope strives to please one of his flock.

However, Argentine popes are rather different. They are often brought up on a diet of corned beef, and addicted to watching the sort of football match where fouling is tolerated (so be careful the pope doesn't trip you up when God isn't looking). The greatest theologian he has read is Diego Maradona. The tango is the natural liturgical dance for an Argentine pope, although he may not take part himself. It is not known whether such popes are likely to have scorpions tattooed on their shoulders.

An Argentine handball player and theologian.

Jewish popes are the most eccentric, perhaps. Although they don't wear red noses, as far as we know, they often have a fascination with fish, and dress even more simply than Pope Francis. Very strange.

Congratulations! You've been elected Pope!