Glasgow Caledonian appoints a new Catholic Chaplain

Following the sacking of Catholic chaplain Father Mark Morris by Glasgow Caledonian University for the crime of being too Catholic - in particular, holding a prayer service to seek "reparation for the gross offence to God which is Pride Glasgow" - GCU have finally found a replacement who sees no problem with Catholic priests parading in rainbow leotards if it helps to build bridges and promote equality and diversity, inclusivity, whips and leather accessories for all.

Fr Mark - note the offensive painting behind him.

Cardinal "Ted" McCarrick of the St Gallen Mafia had offered his services, but it was felt that this would be a step too far, even for GCU. Besides, it will take another ten years or so for Catholic doctrine to evolve to a point where sexual abuse can be publicly supported (although several of the Pope's closest advisers are said to be "encouraging").

No, GCU has gone for a more respected figure, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ FBPE (we are not sure what the last one is about, but we think the F stands for "fruitcake"). Not only will he refuse to quote the Catholic Catechism on homosexual relations (let alone Biblical teaching on the subject), but he is a man whose Pride knows no bounds.

Getting down with the youth...

Finally, Archbishop Tartaglia, the 40th successor of St Mungo, has complained in the strongest possible terms to the principal of GCU about the treatment of Fr Mark, "a totally orthodox priest, persecuted for upholding Catholic teaching". Only joking, folks!

Note for non-UK readers, Glasgow Caledonian University isn't a distinguished seat of learning, similar to Oxford and Cambridge, nor even a research-led university such as Liverpool or Bristol. It is one of a large number of lesser establishments that now call themselves universities - in this case it started life as Angus McPride's Haggis Parlour.

Diarmuid Martin punishes all his clergy

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has finally shaken off the labels "weak", "spineless" and "pathetic", which he has received so many times, and taken action. He has at last punished the entire clergy of his Archdiocese for affirming Catholic teaching.

It began quietly enough, when he disciplined Fr James Larkin for being dangerously pro-life. Fr Larkin had spoken against the Irish referendum, and pointed out that anyone who had voted "yes" (through ignorance, through weakness, through their own deliberate fault, as the Anglican Prayer Book puts it) should regard this as a sin and go to Confession.

Diarmuid Martin, Dublin's Iron Man.

Now, however, the good Archbishop has noticed that many of his priests are expressing dangerously pro-life attitudes; the others, less interested in the question whether babies in the womb should be dismembered, are still receiving confessions, or at least conducting masses in which the "Kyrie" is present. "Better be on the safe side," he said today, "and punish the lot of them."

There are of course difficulties in exiling several hundred priests to Craggy Island, or dumping them on the Loreto sisters in Rathfarnham, but the good archbishop is working hard to find a solution. The other problem is that Irish churches will no longer have priests to offer Mass: however, in the era of Diarmuid most Catholics have stopped attending church anyway, so this may not be a serious difficulty.

Well done, thou good and faithful servant!

It is not known how Archbishop Martin himself voted on the 8th Amendment Referendum; at the time he made very vague pro-life noises, but obviously the whole point of the Catholic Church is that it should stay in step with whatever secular government is in power. Did not Jesus say "Render unto Caesar whatever he asks of you: God really isn't bothered"?

Many priests in the Dublin Archdiocese are angry with the archbishop for his decision to exile them. One at least has taken the matter into his own hands, or rather feet.

The martrydom of Archbishop Diarmuid.

In view of the wide dislike for Dublin's spiritual leader expressed by ordinary Catholics, it cannot be long before Pope Francis makes him a cardinal. It worked for Cupich.

"Jesus has no credibility" says Cardinal Farrell

"Jesus is not the best person to advise people on marriage," explained Cardinal Kevin Farrell, Prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life. "He has no credibility, He never lived the experience; He may be the Son of God, but to go from there to putting His Power into practice every day - He doesn't have that experience."

Some will find Cardinal Farrell's words controversial, although it is unlikely that Pope Francis will take any notice of them, let alone correct them. Cardinal Farrell (70) was appointed by Francis, along with Cardinal Tobin (66) and Cardinal Cupich (69), as one of a team of "Bright Young Cardinals" whose job was to drag the Catholic Church into the 1960s.

The Three Musketeers (or do we mean Stooges?)

Jesus's views on marriage - broadly speaking, that it is an institution that involves one man and one woman for life - have already been much criticised, especially by fans of Amoris Laetitia, but Kevin Farrell is the first person to come out and explain how He could have got things so badly wrong.

"It is better if people being prepared for marriage ignore all that pre-Vatican II Biblical stuff," he continued, "and it is therefore more appropriate if they are prepared by someone who has been married before - perhaps several times - and preferably both to people of the same sex and the opposite sex. That way they can benefit from a full range of experiences."

"Now take Henry VIII. The Anglicans have benefited from his wide experience of marriage!"

Cardinal Farrell went on to criticise the Ten Commandments, explaining that God had been "rather new at that game" when He drafted them, and had not committed any sins. "It would have been better if He had left things to Satan, who, after all, had much more personal experience of evil."

Many Catholic priests have been disturbed (not to say furious) at Kev the Rev's comments, asking themselves exactly what experience of marriage the good cardinal has himself had, to be able to speak out so authoritatively. As a result, they have constructed a giant balloon (blimp) in the form of Farrell, which is now flying above Rome, this being the "modern" way to express political disagreement.

The Farrell blimp watches over St Peter's Square.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12.

1. It came to pass that, two years after the historic day on which the children of Bri-tain had spurned the advice of Cam-aaron and voted to leave the land of EU-gypt, there was finally enacted the Law of May-sis, by which she could start the journey into the wilderness.

2. Indeed, the mighty lords and ladies, who had fought all the way to prevent the Law from passing, had given way. Yeah, even the Lords K-enoch and Man-delilah, who had received many riches from EU-gypt.

3. For the people had said, "Who needeth these lords, anyway? Shall we not cast them into the Red Sea?" Which was a good question.

4. Finally the Royal Assent was given by the all-powerful Queen herself, Elisheba*, who signed any laws that came her way.

* A gold star for anyone who knows who Elisheba was.

May-sis hath won. Or hath she?

5. Thus finally May-sis and her closest advisers, known as Cabinet, were ready to decide the exact manner of leaving EU-gypt.

6. So she summoned her ministers to a weekend in the mighty palace that is called Chequers.

7. And those who had read the stories of Agape Christi said "I know what happeneth next. Someone is murdered, and no man knoweth who did the deed."

8. However, what befell was even worse.

9. For May-sis produced her plan for the Brexodus, which was very simple:

10. The children of Bri-tain would leave the land of EU-gypt, but continue to obey its laws, pay taxes to the Pharaoh Juncker, and send slaves to work in the fields.

11. Indeed, this was to be a "very soft Brexodus", if not an "invisible Brexodus".

12. But many men were exceeding wrathful at the plan. Thus, two mighty counsellors, King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, decided to quit the council of May-sis.

Making a Bexodus and a Dexodus.

13. As they explained: "Our departure from thy Cabinet means that for two years thou shalt see no difference, and, when we do leave, we shall continue to serve as before."

14. But it was not to be, and King David and Bo-sis made a hard exit, and were forced to sit on the Benches of the Back, where no man's voice is ever heard.

15. And the Ukipites spake saying, "If ye leave not EU-gypt, we shall send another plague of Farogs; for they are not dead, but sleeping."

16. While some in the Toryite party cried once more, "Give us Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

17. And those who saw the plight of May-sis whispered amongst themselves, saying "She is now like unto the Manna that hath been baked too long in the rays of the sun."

Could this be the fate of May-sis, as it was of Cam-aaron?

To be continued.

Trouble with the Ealing Prayer Ban

After the High Court upheld Ealing Council's ban on prayer outside its flagship abortion clinic, Kildetots, police have been overwhelmed with incidents of alleged prayer, and all the cells are now full.

"Cripes! You've been nabbed!"

One of the first to be arrested was the local MP, Rupa Huq, alias Huq the Rupa, who, walking past the abortuary, was heard to mutter the words "Bless you" when she saw a passer-by sneeze. She is expected to serve a long sentence for this act of explicit praying.

Another to be found in the cells is Julian Bell, leader of Ealing Council. He was seen to scratch his chest while walking past the slaughterhouse, and this was interpreted by a passing policeman as "Probably making the sign of the Cross. Better bang him up to be on the safe side."

The highly-respected Mayor of London.

The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, while floating above the death house disguised as a barrage balloon, was heard to emit wind. A local policeman promptly reined him in, saying, "That was one of those fancy Arab prayers, wasn't it? Allahu Akbar, was it?" Mr Khan explained that arresting someone for a Muslim prayer was a hate crime. "Hang it, Constable, this is London. We only arrest Christians!" He was released on police bail.

Mr Jeremy Corbyn, another fan of the Ealing prayer ban, was arrested when he tripped over a kerbstone. "It looked to me as though he was genuflecting," explained a policeman. His trial comes up next week.

On the other hand, Cardinal Vincent Nichols, the local ordinary, has so far not been seen praying outside the killing facility, even though to do so would give leadership to those who wish to reduce the number of deaths. It would never do for him to be mistaken for a pro-life advocate.

"So you're expecting your child to be a fish? Jolly good."

Francis admits "I didn't know I was the Pope."

After denying receiving any complaints about the activities of Bishop Barros in Chile, and now, most recently having denied receiving the five Dubia from Cardinal Burke and colleagues, Pope Francis has finally come up with a convincing explanation.

"Until I read the news in the paper," he explained, "I did not realise I was the Pope. They told me that, since I was so unpopular in Argentina, I should take a sabbatical in Rome, but I never imagined that I held the top job. Imagine my surprise when the Tablet announced that I was the Pope!"

"Dubia? I see no Dubia."

Apparently there was a large pile of unanswered letters of complaint, demands for clarification, and more, all addressed to "THE POPE", and Francis had been wondering for five years why nobody had opened them. "The same goes for electricity and gas bills," he added. "We've been sitting in the dark for several years, and living on takeaways, since the electricity and gas were turned off. Whenever the Pope, whoever he is, turns up, I hope he will take some action, such as excommunicating members of the Rome Power Company."

The Pope's admission has at least quelled suspicions that Cardinal Baldisseri, the well-known collector of other people's books, had been suppressing the Pope's post. Baldisseri himself admitted that he was too busy manipulating the forthcoming Synod on Yoof in Rome. "I've already worked out what the young people will decide," he explained, "and I haven't even had to meet any. How would I possibly have had time to look at the Pope's correspondence?"

LATE NEWS: God claims: "I never received any prayers from Pope Francis, I just read about them in the newspaper."

Pope Francis changes his medication

After several years of dosing himself on CUPICHON, MARTINEX, SPADARINE, COCA-PALMERIOL, and similar poisons, which have led the Holy Father to express some distinctly dubious views on pro-life issues, homosexuality, and the like, Pope Francis has received a new prescription from his doctor, including wonder drugs such as BURKEMIN, SARAHOL, and SCHNEIDERONE.

"I feel like a new man!" says Francis.

The results have been startling. Pope Francis has spoken out against "gay" parenting ("ungodly") and abortion ("like Nazi eugenics"). Only a few weeks too late to save Ireland and Argentina, but credit where it's due.

This could be a turning point for the Catholic Church. Will Emma Bonino be crossed off Francis's Christmas card list? Will Fr James Martin SJ be summoned to Rome for a good thrashing (no, he'd probably enjoy it)? Will Scalfari be given the boot? Will the Dubia finally be answered? Could climate change, liberation theology, and similar issues be replaced by a new emphasis on Catholic teaching?

"We think it was the SPADARINE that made him shout at everybody."

Of course there are other wonder drugs on the market that Pope Francis may wish to try. He should avoid DOLANINE, which makes the patient spend all his time laughing crazily; also, TOBINOL comes in two varieties, one of which is beneficial, while the other leads to strange behaviour late at night; then, tincture of ROSICA leads to aggression and paranoia; finally, swallowing ZUHLSDORFIA leads to distinctly eccentric behaviour, but is basically sound...

The dreadful affects of DOLANINE. (H/T someone, not sure who.)

Good luck, Holy Father!

Cardinal condemns God for separating families

Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has slammed God for building a wall round Heaven and separating families.

Said His Eminence, "It is shocking to think that there is no free access to Heaven, and that people who illegally try to enter - perhaps when St Peter's attention is distracted by a discussion of fishing techniques - are rounded up and interned in Hell. This means that some people are entering Heaven to discover that their parents have been sent elsewhere."

An artist's vision of God.

A spokesman for God (St Matthew of Catholic Voices) remarked that Divine Immigration Policy clearly stated "And every one that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall possess life everlasting. So there!"

Meanwhile, the USCCB stressed that they were speaking out in their capacity as a pro-life organization: they were concerned about immigration, but had very little objection to children being destroyed in the womb, and they would certainly not deny communion to abortionists, whether practising or simply preaching the doctrine of death. In this they were backed up by organizations such as "Catholics for Choice", "Catholics for Infanticide", "Catholics for Herod" and "Catholics for BLOOD SLAUGHTER MURDER DEATH PSYCHO AAAAGGGGHHH".

"In the words of Holy Scripture: VOTE DEMOCRAT."

Ten little cardinals

Ten little cardinals... or which one became Pope?

"Don't worry, you can lose weight by dancing with the Rockettes."

Ten little cardinals going out to dine;
One ate far too much and then there were nine.

"Nighty-night, Eccles baby! I love you."

Nine little cardinals sat up very late;
One said "Nighty-night!" and then there were eight.

"Never offend people by mentioning Catholic teaching, that's my motto!"

Eight little cardinals defending Alfie Evans;
One wasn't keen on this, and then there were seven.

"Fiddling? No, I'm a pianist."

Seven little cardinals playing dirty tricks;
One rigged a synod and then there were six.

"Hello, everyone, I've escaped again!"

Six little cardinals keeping faith alive;
One preferred to change it all, and then there were five.

"One of these days I really must get round to correcting Pope Francis."

Five little cardinals studied canon law;
One asked some Dubia and then there were four.

"Money makes the world go round. That's in the Bible somewhere."

Four little cardinals on a spending spree;
One made all the money go, and then there were three.

"I can't see any problems with the James Martin approach."

Three little cardinals building bridges new;
One asked James Martin’s help, and then there were two.

"Lutheran? Catholic? Who cares if they pay their Church Tax?"

Two little cardinals at Communion;
One joined the Protestants, and then there was one.

"Oh no, what's Pope Francis up to now?"

One little cardinal left silent and alone;
He became the next pope and then there were none.

Spice up your life with Martinex!

Thinking of organizing a religious event - it could be a baptism, a wedding, even a funeral? Want to make it go with a bang? Then what you need is Martinex! It comes in handy rainbow-patterned bottles.

Martinex - as recommended by Cardinals!

B.C. of Chicago explains. "I was just an ordinary second-rate cardinal, rather hazy about Catholic doctrines, and not really accepted in left-wing circles. But then I discovered Martinex, and suddenly my cathedral was full of adoring acolytes, while the street outside was full of angry Catholics! Now, I am strongly tipped to be the next Pope!"

Liven up your family with Martinex!

Archbishop D.M. of Dublin is equally enthusiastic. "I was just a spineless nobody who managed to present such a feeble case against abortion that we lost the referendum, in spite of 70% of Ireland claiming to be religious. How could I stop people from mistaking me for a cardboard cutout? The answer was clear - serve bottles of Martinex at my World Meeting of Families! After all, for children of all ages, building bridges is more interesting than dolls and toy trains. Now, everyone is talking about us!"

"Don't use Martinex - it's toxic!"

But not everyone sees Martinex as the way forward for the Catholic Church. Says Cardinal R.S. of Guinea. "Scientific tests have shown that Martinex rots your soul and leads you to eternal damnation. It even says so on the bottom of the bottle in small letters. What's more, when I become Pope I'm going to burn that little squirt at the stake."

So there we are. You decide whether it's worth the risk!

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 12

Continued from Part 11.

1. Six months had passed since May-sis sent her team of wise negotiators (Bo-sis, King David Davis, and some others whose names are justly forgotten) to dine with the Pharaoh Juncker.

2. Yet, after endless eating and drinking at the well-appointed table of Juncker, no agreement had been reached.

King David Davis pretends to know what is going on.

3. For, although the date was set on which the children of Bri-tain were to leave the land of EU-gypt, and many were waiting to cross the Red Sea, there were still questions to answer.

4. Should the children of Bri-tain remain in the Single Market, and thus return to EU-gypt every Saturday to buy and sell their produce?

5. For they could sell their rare foods such as tripe and onions, and buy frogs' legs and sauerkraut.

6. Or should they partake in the Customs Union, meaning that their traditional customs such as Morris Dancing and cricket might be combined with the customs of EU-gypt, such as the Can-can and bullfighting?

"Right, lads, the EU-gypt directive says we should do the Can-can next."

7. Then there was talk of hard borders and backstop plans, which nobody really understood, so that the people of Bri-tain said, "We never knew that it was so hard to flee the land of EU-gypt."

8. And many noble lords, who had been appointed to power by the ancient warlord Blair, voted to remain where they were, feasting on milk and honey.

9. Indeed, they said that the people should vote again, and keep on voting until they got the right answer.

10. Now even the High Priest Wel-by, custodian of the ancient religion of Eng-land, guardian of a box containing 39 wondrous articles, spake out, saying that EU-gypt was the best thing since sliced manna.

11. Finally, even King David Davis was so vexed that he threatened to resign his throne, although he could not give a precise date for leaving it.

12. And the people murmured saying, "This May-sis could not organize a wedding in a Cana brewery without running out of wine. Let us have Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

"May-sis hath not provided enough wine. Can you do something?"

13. "Or let us call an election and see if the Corbynites can do any better. The Abbot of Diane can organize our finances, and John, also known as Mc-Don-El, can form a lasting alliance with the Hamasites and Hezbollites."

14. Which at least showed that the people had not lost their sense of humour.

Continued in Chapter 13.

Church of England "the greatest dream realised for human beings"

Justin Welby (currently leading in a Twitter poll to find the silliest Archbishop of Canterbury in the last 25 years, in spite of stiff competition from Rowan Williams and George Carey) has stated that the European Union is "the greatest dream realised for human beings" for the past 1,500 years.

He is too modest. For a team of EU Grandees (Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk, old Uncle Verhofstadt and all) have reciprocated by pointing out that in fact the Church of England is the greatest dream realised for human beings since... well, since before Christ in fact, as all HE could do was to found the Catholic Church.

Can I join, Justin?

As the grandees pointed out, the Church of England is unique in that it is the only religion that caters for all possible beliefs. Do you believe in the existence of God? Yes? No? Welcome! Do you believe that women can be priests? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. Are you pro-life? Yes? No? We don't care! How about same-sex marriage? For? Against? It's all the same to us. Are you a Muslim? We probably have a church for you too.

The only (well not the only) church in which any fool can be a bishop, and many are!

Everything you expect in a church... except God.

Being a Catholic isn't easy. You're suppose to avoid sin, and, since this is basically impossible, you have to confess, be absolved, and start again. Anglicans don't have this problem, as the only sins they acknowledge are Euroscepticism, Climate Change scepticism, and of course a lack of enthusiasm for Equality and Diversity in all shapes and sizes (oops, a dwarfophobic comment there).

Great job opportunities!

Catholics are also supposed to attend Mass once a week. This seems so dreadfully unfair, when Anglicans only attend church three times in a lifetime - once to be drenched from the font, once to get hitched to some person of the opposite (?) sex - well maybe more than once in this case - and once in a wooden box, when the priest will say how wonderful you were, and the congregation will sing "My Way".

Contrast that with a Requiem Mass, in the Catholic tradition, where you will maybe get the Dies Irae, which is a little poem explaining that the dear departed was probably unsaved, and is certainly going to have a rough time at the Day of Judgement.

Women who dress up as Catholic priests just aren't taken seriously! Unlike Anglicans, ha ha.

Nope, as the Three Wise Men of the EU have pointed out, Anglicanism was a wonderful step forward for the human race - well done, Henry VIII! Indeed, an Anglican's life is tailored to your individual needs. Why, no wonder the churches are full to the brim.

Oh... aren't they?

Irish people plan a mass suicide pact

Following the result of the referendum on abortion, and the decision by Irish politicians to press for euthanasia next ("anything to annoy the Catholic Church"), many Irish people feel that they should now go the whole way - instead of merely exterminating the very young and very old, why not wipe out the entire population?

Ireland as it will look: empty.

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has already given his backing to this mass suicide pact, explaining that "It is surely God's will to return Ireland to the state it was in when He created it - empty. Or, if it wasn't, don't expect me to speak out until after we've all been killed!"

The actual mechanism of the mass extermination of the Irish people is still to be decided. Historically, potato famines were very popular, but nowadays the only consequence of a potato famine would be that the Irish would no longer have to put up with that arch-bore Gary Lineker advertising his unhealthy snacks. Still, that alone makes this seem like a good idea.

Enough to make you yearn for another potato famine.

Clearly some more systematic way for the Irish to destroy themselves is required. Prime Minister Varadkar has organized a survey asking people which groups they would like to see exterminated first, and the following sections of the population were particularly disliked:

children, adults, the young, the old, the middle-aged, the religious, the non-religious, the whites, the blacks, the other races, tinkers, tailors, soldiers, sailors, rich men, poor men, beggarmen, thieves, fathers, mothers, males, females, people of undecided or indescribable sex/gender, tourists, local residents, hairy people, bald people, heterosexuals, homosexuals, anything else-sexuals, people called "Martin", people not called "Martin", the employed, the unemployed, the sick, the healthy, ...

For each of these groups it is possible to find someone who dislikes them, so into the suicide booths they go!

Ah yes, the suicide booths. Well they will look like this:

New-look suicide booth (no longer required for its original purpose).

There have already been some comments from devoutly religious British politicians on the MIDA ("Make Ireland Dead Again") plan. Theresa May thinks it's a wonderful idea, but Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn't. Still, if MIDA is a success, then the United Kingdom is certain to follow suit.

---

Administrative note: for the last 5 days I have not received e-mail notifications about comments posted on this luvvly blogg. So I have only just realised there was a backlog. Sorry.

St Theresa of Downing Street

Catholic priests are not normally allowed to marry (and this includes Bishop Toribio Ticona, whom Pope Francis has just put on his "Raise this guy to the cardinalate" list, in error for his "Throw this guy to the dogs" list).

Thus there are very few of the rare breed known as "clergymen's daughters" in the Catholic Church; of course the Anglicans have plenty, and even some rare fish known as "clergywomen's daughters", who call their mother "father".

St Theresa (alias V. Nichols) shares a bottle of ketchup with a cleric (J. Etchingham).

Clergymen's daughters are often saintly creatures, and today we pay tribute to St Theresa of Downing Street. Her father would have been so proud of her, when she showed her support for same-sex "marriage". Those embarrassing bits in the Bible about homosexual acts being sinful, and marriage being an institution for a man and a woman, were long since discarded by the Church of England, which strives always to keep up with the latest fashions in morality. But there was more...

St Theresa expresses her support for King Herod.

As a clergyman's daughter, St Theresa is familiar with many Biblical characters, and she has always had a weakness for King Herod. "A real man," she drools, "who knew how to deal with children!" Thus she was delighted when Ireland decided to vote for mass infanticide, and she felt obliged to send her support. Good luck with explaining that to the DUP, her partners in government.

Of course, St Theresa is not the only party leader with this point of view. St Jeremy of Corbyn and St Vince of Cable would doubtless agree with her, if anyone cared for five minutes what they thought on any issue. How wonderful to see a Government of National Unity!

Let's finish with a happy picture of the Mays leaving a church.

An everyday Anglican scene: that awkward moment when nobody else turned up.

Pope cancels visit to Ireland

Following the Irish referendum on abortion, in which the main message (apart from "We think killing babies is OK") was "We hate Catholics", Pope Francis has decided to cancel his planned visit to Dublin this August.

Apparently, the visit was planned to coincide with concluding events of the World Meeting of Families. However it is clear that the Irish model of a family is not (as it used to be) mother, father, 8 children, and a pig (as recommended in Amoris Laetitia), but now simply a couple, possibly even same-sex, probably unmarried, and with no children whatsoever. So what's the point?

Leo Varadkar explains his policies for the family.

Ireland also suffers from a severe shortage of Catholics. The choice for the Pope lies between meeting people like Archbishop Diarmuid Martin the spineless ("the man who makes even Vincent Nichols look like a spiritual leader"), or Fr Tony Flannery the egocentric rebel and his Association of Catholic Priests ("the man who makes Fr Jack of Craggy Island look like a peaceful holy man").

One possibility is that Pope Francis will go to Belfast instead. There, the Protestants are Catholic, and the Catholics Protestant, at least when it comes to moral issues, and so the Holy Father may not be so unwelcome.

It's also possible that Francis will want to go to the mainland of Great Britain and meet Theresa May, although the old girl has also expressed her delight in the "success" of the Irish referendum. Unless the saintly Jacob Rees-Mogg is Prime Minister by August, which is about as likely as the saintly Cardinal Sarah becoming Pope by then.

Pope Francis meeting Theresa May.

Or maybe Pope Francis will go back to Chile in August. This may be a wise move as most of the Chilean Catholics are in Rome and out for his blood.

No, Pope Francis tells us that his best bet is a quiet week or two in a coastal resort such as Margate or Cromer. Fr Spadaro's got his eye on a lovely seaside cottage called "Dundictatin" which might just suit him...

The snakes return to Ireland

Well, St Patrick did his best. For many years Ireland was a Catholic country, and not just the "you wouldn't notice" sort that we see with Fr James Martin, Cardinal Marx, or Cardinal Nichols. The snakes had been driven out, and there was a general feeling that killing babies, the weak, the old, the disabled, someone whose face you don't like, or someone with a different political opinion, was an activity condemned by decent people.

But then things changed. It just took a few key words to brainwash people: "Magdalene Laundries", "Savita", "Tuam". None of these was really very relevant. Unlike "blood", "slaughter", "murder", "dismemberment", "pain", which would seem to be more linked to the abortion debate.

A particularly venomous creature slithers into Ireland.

The Irish politicians seem to be mostly of the serpentine variety, but then so are the journalists, including such luminaries as Tintin O'Foole, whom I mention because I came across him for the first time today. With luck I won't have to come across this little snake again.

How about the Catholic Church? Well Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin, known internationally for his spinelessness, did make some comment that could be interpreted as being pro-life, but as usual he did it very quietly, holding a handkerchief over his face so that nobody would know he'd said it.

Pope Francis forgot...

Don't expect any laughs from this post, folks. I have nothing but contempt for those who are not pro-life, and they can rot in Hell. And probably will.