This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 17 November 2017

Who is the real Pope?

In these troubled times, there seem to be four possible theories about who is actually the Pope:

1. Pope Francis.
2. Pope Benedict.
3. Nobody.
4. Someone else entirely.

So it's time for an in-depth analysis. Not that you'll get one here.

Pope's empty chair

Sedevacantists see things this way.

1. Pope Francis is the obvious answer. Elected by a conclave in 2013; white smoke; goes around in white robes; sleeps in a humble broom-cupboard in the Vatican. After his private correction by Cardinal Burke, his correctio filialis by a bunch of wise men, and a telling-off from Fr Weinandy - with none of which has he publicly disagreed - he is now the most orthodox Catholic on the planet.

Of course he has a few blind spots as regards how to run the Church. Whatever made him think that Blase Cupich was worthy of doing any job more spiritual than emptying the dustbins? Does he really think we've forgotten his Anschluss with the Order of Malta? When the newspapers carried headlines ELDERLY DICTATOR UNDER HOUSE ARREST, who thought of Mugabe, and who thought of Francis? Still, otherwise he's played a blinder. Well, apart from... no, let's move on.

Benedict XVI drinking beer

Two litres of Amoris Laetitia, please!

2. Pope Benedict? Well, he was apparently forced out after undue pressure from his enemies in the Church. They kept sending him copies of the Tablet and essays by Austen Ivereigh. After such relentless persecution, who can blame him if he decided to spend more time with his beer, I mean prayer? On the other hand, it's not entirely clear that popes can resign.

Still, he says he's not the Pope, and he ought to know.

3. Nobody. There are two groups here. One is the group that believes that all popes since Vatican II (or possibly since Pius V) were invalidly elected. This viewpoint is supported by the prophecies of St Malachy, Nostradamus, and Mystic Meg.

The second group - more interesting - finds something distinctly fishy in the story of the 2013 conclave, where, thanks to the St Gallen Mafia, or Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, or British intelligence, or perhaps Batman's arch-nemesis the Joker, some skulduggery took place. In which case the cardinals need to go back into the Sistine Chapel and try again. Good luck with that one.

Jabba and Soros

The Soros twins.

4. Someone else was secretly elected by the conclave in 2013. Pope Francis is merely a "stunt pope" who does all the dangerous things like driving the Popemobile at high speed, flying in aeroplanes, and making the odd speech, indeed very odd speech. Somewhere in the background is an Eminence Grise who is pulling the strings. This may be:

i) George Soros, who appears to have a finger in every disreputable pie;
ii) Vladimir Putin, who is blamed for everything;
iii) The Habsburgs, who seem to be making a come-back;
iv) Richard Branson, who seems to be everywhere (except that I have never seen him on one of his delayed trains).

Alternatively, Douglas Adams suggested that the man who rules the Universe sits in a shack somewhere, with no companions except his cat. Well, he was nearly right: it's actually the Catholic Church that he rules.

Eccles

Or could this saved person be the power behind the throne?

Monday, 13 November 2017

Eccles just can't be bothered

There are too many villains, idiots and heretics in the world, and how can I possibly keep up? Perhaps I should have a month or two off blogging, and let the world continue to satirize itself.

Rupa Huq

The dreaded Huq the Rupa.

In Victorian London, many innocent boys and girls were slaughtered on a daily basis. In an attempt to stop the flow of little corpses, men and women would aggressively pray outside abortion clinics, using the offensive words "Hail Mary, full of grace...", and desperately trying to save innocent lives.

But London was a dangerous place to pray, and in those foggy streets, people dreaded the sinister tread-tread-tread that denoted the approach of Huq the Rupa...

Blase Cupich

The USA's captain for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup hits a server with his crozier.

With their sacking of Fr Weinandy, for the offence of being confused by Pope Francis and scandalized by his bishops (isn't everyone?), the USCCB made it clear that they were expecting to field a strong team for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup.

Captain of a team that includes Farrell, Tobin, Wuerl and Dolan, Cardinal Blase expects his boys to meet some tough opponents, such as Rhino Marx's Germans, the Belgians, the Italians, and the Maltese. "But we'll show them that we can distort Catholic teaching with the best of them!" said the cardinal defiantly.

Simon Jenkins

Let's consign Simon Jenkins to history.

The churches, the British Legion, and in fact most decent people, have decided that now is the time to consign to history "Sir" Simon Jenkins, writer of tedious and badly wrong Guardian articles.

"Sir Simon was essentially a 20th century phenomenon," said one commentator. "His views never did make much sense, but now that he apparently believes that we should drop Remembrance Day, it is really time to send him off to the Dunrantin Retirement Home for Potty Journalists."

Sir Simon today was unrepentant. "Since we have had no wars anywhere in the world since 1945 - well I haven't seen any in my agreeable mansions, apart from when my first wife left - it is clear that there is nothing to remember any longer. As I always say on November 11th 'Let me forget!'"

Salman Rushdie

Sorry, Salman, the game's up. Go and read a good book instead.

Next, the third Global Atheist Convention, planned for Melbourne in 2018, has been cancelled for lack of interest. It looked like being a real humdinger of an event with Salman Rushdie (gosh, is he still alive?) talking about the book he wants to sell, and Richard Dawkins (yes, we know he's alive) talking about, er, the book he wants to sell. And with everyone trying to avoid mentioning God.

When the news was broken to Professor Dawkins, he said "It's all over with atheism. And I was hoping to stock up on duty-free honey. But Bin Laden has won."

Kate Bottley

And finally, the CofE approves of little girls pretending to be boys.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

October 31st - trick or treat?

Yes, it's October 31st 2017, commonly called Hallowe'en, the day when people dress up in scary costumes and annoy their neighbours.

Martin Luther

Trick or treat? The sign should stay up by faith alone, but Brother Martin decided otherwise.

Everyone's joining in the fun, and remembering their favourite German heretic (no, not Cardinal Marx).

Pope and Choco-Luther

Pope Francis with the Choco-Luther. "You may find this hard to swallow..."

Of course the Anglicans didn't get in on the Hallowe'en larks until almost twenty years later, and indeed, Henry VIII, the man whose ideas on marriage ("divorce 'em, or if that doesn't work, behead 'em") anticipated Amoris Laetitia, was severely critical of Luther's pranks.

Henry VIII

It's believed that the pumpkin theme was based on Henry VIII's fat head.

Originally, Hallowe'en was called All Saints' Eve - Henry VIII approached Thomas More and said, "Great news, Thomas, you're going to become a saint! Better still, a saint and martyr!" Of course Thomas More was delighted to be joining in the fun.

Anyway, back to Luther, who founded the tradition, stimulating a growth in heresy that Arius and Fr James Martin could only dream of. Let's party!

Martin Luther costume

Put on your scary costumes, and get trick-or-treating!

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Catholic books you should read

Some great books that I have read recently.

Silence

Silence is a wonderful thing, and brings us more in touch with God. How often have you sat in an aeroplane, and some chap in white has stood up and harangued the passengers with his latest "developments" of Catholic doctrine? Couldn't he have sat in silence instead?

One evening I was peacefully meditating and praying, when the telephone rang. "I've decided to issue a Correction of your comments on Mass translations! Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I've got you! You'll be Pope over my dead body!"

"Yes, I expect so, Holy Father," I replied. "That's how things usually work."

Indeed, Silence from some quarters would indeed be a good thing, although perhaps some Yes/No answers to certain questions could be arranged first?

Meanwhile, I decided to remain silent about the German bishops' proposals to translate the words "Pro Multis" in the Latin Missal as "For everyone who pays their church tax".

The Great Reformer

I first met Jorge Bergoglio when he was a humble priest in Argentina. I was then writing my thesis on "The lives of Argentine popes": in the end I handed in a hundred blank pages, as there had not been any such popes. "Dr Ivereigh's thesis is the best thing he's ever done," said one critic, "and definitely the last word on the subject."

Little did we know that the man I knew as "Jorge the Reformer" - he knew me as "Ronnie Corbett" for reasons I've never discovered - would one day become the inspiration for a new Reformation! Or that I would rise even higher!

Origin

Renowned theologian Massimo Faggioli, 47, heir to the Faggioli Baked Bean Company of Philadelphia - motto "Our beans are filled with the Spirit of Vatican II" - recipient of honorary degrees from the university of Antarctica, Ruritania Technical College, and the St Trinian's Academy for young ladies - strode through the corridors of Doctrinanova University.

Thinking furiously with his brain, he asked himself, "Why is that all Catholic doctrine before the year 2013 was wrong? Could the mistake be traced to a little-known carpenter's son in the 1st century? Which, as trained theologians such as I know, came just before the second century. And why does my ground-breaking research lead me to the conclusion that a sinister white-haired old German called 'Benedict' might be involved?"

Building bridges

In this book I want to encourage ordinary LGBT alt-Jesuits - roughly 25% of the world's population - to build bridges with a group of people who are commonly despised and insulted, with nicknames such as "left-footer", "mackerel-snapper" and "taig". Yes, the Catholic Community.

Ever since a Canaanite Women gave some advice to Jesus: "I think it would be a smart idea to found a Church, and put Mary Magdalene at the head of it" - advice which Our Lord followed to the letter - Catholics have started to "come out" and to be persecuted for their faith.

Whereas LGBT is rightly a major world religion, influencing the social policies of governments worldwide, Catholics have practised "the faith that dare not speak its name".

So I call on my LGBT brothers, sisters, transistors, and others, to SHOW MERCY.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Pope Francis replies to a letter of support

Dear Dr Schweinehund, Fr Sauerkraut, Prof. Sockenpuppet, the Bishop of Kirchensteuer, etc.,

Thank you so much for your letter of support telling me how wonderful I am. Fortunately, I can say infallibly, magisterially, and with the full backing of the Spirit of Vatican II, that you have completely hit the nail on the head!

My assistant Antonio Spadaro tells me that there are in total 900 billion signatures to your letter, but he does tend to have trouble with counting.

German signing surrender

Signing the letter to Pope Francis.

I particular like the way you praised my "courageous and theologically sound papal leadership". It's what I'm known for! You might have added that I always answer questions from my faithful flock, and I would only change the teachings of the Catholic Church in a way that supplied a helpful correction to the misguided views of previous popes, doctors of the Church, apostles and God.

You will have realised that I am under a lot of pressure from rebel cardinals such as Raymond Burke, who, in asking me questions such as "What on earth do you mean by writing such nonsense as Amoris Laetitia?" shows all the evil traits of past witchfinders, torturers, Nazis, and even Pontius Pilate.

Cardinal and rack

The cardinals put Pope Francis on the rack!

As you know, I've also been sent a Correctio Filialis by some people claiming to be priests, theologians and scholars - on the rather flimsy grounds that they are ordained, or have doctorates in theology, or teach at universities. This has bothered me less than you might think, since I haven't tried to read it. How can a pope possibly be in error? Well, to be honest, all the previous ones were, but not me!

Malicious people will say that some of you have a secret agenda in supporting me, because they are pushing for women priests, a change in divorce rules, or a softening of the teaching on abortion, slavery and torture (OK if done "safely"!), and so on. Well, flattery will get you everywhere, and I'll see what I can do!

Pope with postcard of himself

Here's Number 1 in a series of Great Popes.

+++Francis, Personal Assistant to God.

P.S. It's a shame that you didn't get some more top theologians, such as Massimo Faggioli and Stephen Walford, to sign. Then your letter would have been taken seriously by everyone!

Sunday, 15 October 2017

Jesuits say the funniest things

Don't you love Jesuits? They can be really cute in the way that grown-ups simply aren't. Listening to them talking, trying to make sense of the adult world, is a pleasure and a delight.

I visited a Jesuit playground and met two of the little darlings having fun together; one was called Jim ("I'm Jezzie James") and the other Tony ("Spideroman").

Spadaro, Francis, Sosa

Tony playing with his friends Big Frank and Arthur (the gang leaders).

Me: Hello, Jesuits, are you having fun?

Jim: I'm building a bridge. Poo, it's fallen down again!

Tony: I'm doing sums. 1 and 1 is 3. 2 and 2 is 5. Tee hee hee!

Me: Oh, right. Did you go to Church today, Jesuits?

Wedding garment drivel

Possibly the stupidest thing ever said by a Jesuit.

Jim: Yes, it was all about a wedding. Jesus wasn't allowed to go to it.

Tony: Naughty Jesus was a biggot! Won't go to Heaven!

Jim: He should have listened to the Canny... Cannonite woman!

Tony: I gotta new Bible.

Jim: He's gotta new Bible. It's the Messy Bible.

Tony: Message Bible. A special one for Jesuits.

Message Bible

A special Jesuit Bible with all the sense removed.

Jim: What does the angel say when he sees Mary?

Tony: Nice to see you, to see you nice! Tee hee hee!

Jim: And Jesus talks to Mary Magdulum. Says "Hello, Mary, how would you like to be the Pope?"

James Martin SJ

"Unlike Jesus, I'm properly dressed for a wedding!"

Tony: Hey, here comes Arthur. He's the leader of our gang.

Arthur: Hello, Jim, hello, Tony. Who's this?

Tony: It's Mr Eccles. He's a witless worm. Tee hee hee.

Arthur: He's got a tape recorder.

Jim: Jesus had a tape recorder.

Arthur: No he didn't!

Jim: He did, he did, he did!

Arthur: No, he didn't. That's why we don't know what he said.

Jim: We can make it up, can't we?

Pope in armchair

"Today I'm launching a Crusade against armchair Catholics!"

Tony: Shut up you lot. Here comes Big Frank. He's got a Magic Sterium.

Jim: What's a Magic Sterium?

Tony: It's for making up Cathlic teaching. It has a pair of scissors for cutting up old teaching, and a nice pen for writing new doctrine.

Frank: All right, you lot. Today we're going to break some armchairs. I don't like armchair Catholics!

Omnes: Ooh, what fun!

"Now I say SHAZAM and the Pope disappears!"

With thanks to @topcatholic and @thecorrectpope for locating some material.

Friday, 13 October 2017

Correctio Filialis to appear in weekly instalments

The recent letter Correctio Filialis has gone viral, and received all manner of feedback: indeed, "We're almost certain that Pope Francis has heard of it, although of course he hasn't read it," said a spokesman. However, the Holy Father has continued to produce a blizzard of puzzling statements (to put it charitably), and it is now felt that the best needs of the Catholic Church will be served by producing a slim 200-page magazine each week, listing the most recent errors.

Homer Simpson

A cruel caricature on the cover of the new magazine.

For example, this week Pope Francis told us that capital pubishment was "contrary to the Gospel", presumably thinking that - as Rex Mottram would have said - there is a particular text in which it is condemned, at least spiritually, but most Catholics are too sinful to see it. As one of the editors of Correctio Filialis put it, "Don't get us wrong, we're not great fans of the death penalty either; still previous Popes were clear that one should reserve it for serious offences such as possessing one of Fr James Martin's books."

anon

Some say an (early, safe and legal) death penalty is OK for the crime of being a disabled baby.

In addition to correcting docrinal utterances of Pope Francis, the new magazine will also pick out his insults to the ordinary Catholic in the pew, and explain what Francis should have said.

Examples:

Uncorrected: Fomenters of coprophagia!
Corrected: People who publish embarrassing stories about my friends in the Vatican.

Uncorrected: Self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians!
Corrected: Catholics following the traditions of long-forgotten figures of the past, such as Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Pius X, St Paul, or Jesus Christ.

Uncorrected: Creed-reciting parrot Christians!
Corrected: Oh by the way, I am about to rewrite the Nicene creed to reflect my new "development of doctrine".

Blase Cupich

Page 3 boy (Catholic of the Week).

Each week's issue of Correctio Filialis will highlight one of the hive of heretics that buzz round Pope Francis, and this week's Page 3 boy is Cardinal Blase Cupich, who is co-hosting a conference in Boston with the general theme of "How can we destroy Catholic teaching?" Since the conference has not been condemned by Pope Francis, and indeed features some of his greatest admirers such as Spadaro, Farrell, Scicluna, Beelzebub and Moloch (I may have got some of these wrong), it seems appropriate to give Cupich a page to himself. It will be someone else next week.

We wish the new magazine every success.

Following a suggestion on Twitter, let me help you create your own heretic. Simply take the last Italian food (or drink) you consumed, and add Cardinal/Father/Sister/Professor/etc. in front, and optionally an SJ at the end. Mine was Fr Penne Rigate SJ, and some of the replies received were: Dottore Cioccolato Gelato, Cardinal Zabaglione, and Sister Puttanesca (that's enough heretics, Eccles). Most of these people were in Boston this week.

Italian bean dish

Dinner time, and I'm having a delicious plate of Faggioli al Spadaro.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Everyone's scared of Christians

Student union chiefs at Balliol College, Oxford, have admitted that they are "terrified of Christians" after trying to ban the Christian Union from its Freshers' Fair. This is an event where students can see all the clubs and societies on offer: from the Amateur Terrorists' Association, to the Llama-Porn Club, to the Cocaine Society, all student interests are catered for, EXCEPT Christianity.

Molesworth picture

A much healthier hobby than Christianity.

They are right of course. Having a spotty nineteen-year-old accosting you to say "Have you got a personal relationship with Jesus? I have, ever since I met Him on the number 6 bus. Will you come to our service on Sunday and sing 'Lord of the Dance?' with us?" is nearly as dangerous as encountering a Jehovah's Witness or a Jesuit priest trying to build bridges. Much better to have someone sidle up to you and say "Have you ever considered taking up serial killing? Join OXSERKILSOC, meet new people, and kill them!"

Well, enough of Balliol, or Baal. Let's move on to the Rosary, which is one of the main weapons of Christian Terrorism. Some Muslim MP called Rupa Huq is anxious to avoid its being "weaponised" outside abortion clinics - we mustn't stop the production of little corpses, must we?

They say that, following Rupa's warning, airport security is to be tightened up, and special Rosary-detectors installed, to prevent any "weaponised" Christians flying.

Captain Hook

Possibly luvvly Rupa is related to Captain Huq, who also had problems with kids.

Of course Muslims are very sensitive to the power of the Rosary, especially after they got a bloody nose at Lepanto (cheers!). The Poles have recognised this and have been praying in an aggressive and tactless manner on their borders. But that's a Catholic country, so they don't know any better, unlike we British who are mostly Muslims anyway.

Massimo tweet

Mr Bean puts us straight. Just say NO to the Virgin Mary.

I had been planning to write some extra verses for Chesterton's Lepanto to celebrate the anniversary, but Dan Sheehan beat me to it:

Don John of Austria
Has loosed the cannonade,
But Massimo of Italy stayed home from the Crusade.
Perhaps next year?

Dawkins and beads

Even atheists use the Rosary, but they don't know how it works.

Thursday, 5 October 2017

Why I joined the Cult of Jim

"Phil", our guest Catholic, writes a special post for us.

I was very sad to read that one Felix Thompson had abandoned the cult of Jim, by which he means that he no longer regards Father James Martin SJ as the fount of all wisdom. Felix has thrown away his collection of "Jim" relics, including the rainbow socks, the autographed copy of "Mary Magdalene - the first Pope", and of course his reliquary containing hair and toenail clippings from the great man.

James Martin secret signs

I can tell you what these secret signs mean, but then I'd have to kill you.

I, on the other hand, have moved in the opposite direction. I started off as an "ordinary" Catholic who just believes the obvious stuff that we get in church, then became successively a "cafeteria" Catholic, a "gelato" Catholic, a "Bologna Cathedral nosh-house" Catholic, and finally a "quite a lovely little New York bistro where they do Jesuit cupcakes" Catholic.

Pope Francis eatind in cathedral

"No, we won't say grace!" Pope Francis and (?) Zinedine Zidane tuck in!

It was so refreshing to discover Fr Jim (as he lets me call him). Rigid Catholicism is hard to take seriously: what do you do if there is some obscure bit of doctrine you can't accept, like, for example, the sinfulness of adultery? Well, a rigid Catholic would probably leave the Church, but a modern Kasperite Catholic simply ignores such inconvenient teaching - and is probably rewarded by being made a cardinal, or at least a bishop!

Now, don't get me wrong. Although I'm a Jimmist, I'm not gay. I have tried to be, but I just couldn't summon up any interest. Fr Jim was very understanding, though. "I don't condemn you, just because you like girls," he said. ""Let me build a bridge towards you." What a hero! Of course I realise that being a "hetero" has made me an outcast in most circles, but Fr Jim is no bigot, and he is prepared to welcome me!

Fr Jim explained to me many things about Christianity that I had previously not understood. How Jesus originally didn't have a clue about why he was on Earth. How He met a wise Canaanite woman who taught Him everything He knew. Along with Mary Magdalene, the first Pope, she wrote the Sermon on the Mount for Him to preach.

Sermon on the Mount

"And now the person you've really come to hear - Mary Magdalene!"

I met the renowned novelist Dan Brown at one of the Cult of Jim meetings. "Pleased to meet you," he said. "Renowned balding 56-year-old Jesuit James Martin has been an inspiration for many of my novels that I wrote, as well as inspiring me when I was writing them. His theoretical theories on 2011-year-old superstar Mary Magdalene have provided the inspiring theories leading me to become a 53-year-old author who writes lots of books that sell well. And my renowned hero Robert Langdon is based on Jim's 47-year-old Italian-American-Australian-Martian friend Massimo Faggioli, who is a friend of the best-selling Jesuit priest." We all owe a lot to Fr Jim!

Another wonderful person that I met was the great comedian Stephen Colbert, who told me one of his trademark jokes about Donald Trump. "He's got funny hair, and shouts too much," he quipped, before explaining the details of some sexual torture that he wished to inflict on the President. What a brilliant sense of humour! Colbert is also a Catholic in the Cult of Jim, and in his latest sketch he calls Trump homophobic, rigid, literally Hitler, cancer, and (a new idea from Jim's friend Stephen Walford) Satanic! How we laughed.

Martin, Colbert, Rosica

Fr Jim introduced me to many top Catholics (although Fr Rosica headbutted me).

Hail Holy Jim Martin! He's the future of Catholicism, and Pope Francis thinks he's wonderful!

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

Catholics flee church when priest starts reading out Amoris Laetitia

On Sunday, worshippers at the church of St Daryl the Apostate fled in terror after becoming "triggered" by the homily of their priest, Fr Arthur.

Said one worshipper, Amy Rigid, who wishes to remain anonymous, "I thought we were going to have a simple homily about today's Gospel - the man with two idiot sons who couldn't make up their minds whether to work in the vineyard - when Fr Arthur started reading out passages from Amoris Laetitia."

Allo Allo

Waiting for an idiot son to arrive in the vineyard.

"At first it was something totally bland, about how most loving families consist of a husband, a wife, 2.4 children, and a goldfish, but I could see where this was leading, and that Fr Arthur would pretty soon start talking about allowing unreformed serial killers to take Communion after a period of accompaniment and discernment."

Another worshipper, Ivor Dubia, concurred. "I fled in panic. Who knows what Fr Arthur would have done next? Quoted from the comedy theology of Massimo Faggioli?"

Faggioli fail

Have you checked that your beliefs are still Catholic?

"It was much easier last week, when Fr Arthur shouted 'Allahu Akbar!' and read out passages from the Koran about smiting the infidel. That's ecumenical, I can understand that. But quoting from ghost-written apostolic exhortations loosely based on what someone in the Vatican wished that the Synods on the Family had agreed... No, that's a step too far!"

Last night a party of worshippers went round to the Presybtery with a "filial correction" of Fr Arthur's errors, including claims that he was a bad-mannered old misery-guts. They were greeted with a bucket of water thrown out of the window, which suggests that there is still room for further dialogue.

James Martin cavorting

"Next week's preacher will explain how to build a bridge out of toilet rolls and a rainbow chasuble."

Friday, 29 September 2017

The Catholic Bishops' Conference corrects the Pope

Most Holy Father,

With profound grief, we are compelled to address a correction to Your Holiness on account of the propagation of heresies effected by the apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia and by other words, deeds and omissions of Your Holiness.

St Michael and the dragon

An English bishop addresses a fraternal correction.

Actually, we didn't want to do this, as we were hoping to stay in your good books long enough to get Vincent Nichols some preferment, and make him a strong candidate for the papacy when the next conclave comes round. The St Pancras Mafia were already standing by to promote his case and throw dirt at Sarah, Tagle, and all the other contenders... However, the time has come to speak out.

So, let's get down to business. Amoris Laetitia simply doesn't go far enough. We bishops are simply not being told whether we should allow people to divorce and re-marry, and then take communion. You need to speak out and say that we should scrap marriage completely: this would be a ``correction" of the New Testament, but worth it, we feel.

Tom

They say AL is Thomist and Jerryist, but it seems to have hit you in the face.

We must also take issue with your use of language such as "rigid", "fomenter of coprophagia" and "fundamentalist" to describe those who don't share your modernizing views. THIS IS PATHETIC. Our cardinal comes from Liverpool, the land of Archbishop Warlock, who would have described these b******s as b****y ****-eating b*****s! That's telling them!

Also, some complaints must be made about your evident fondness for Lutherism. Isn't this unfair to our friends in the Church of England (if ever there was one holy, Catholic and apostolic church, then that must be it!) not to mention. Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, etc.?

Vindu

The answer to Lutherism!

Finally, what about same-sex marriage and abortion? It seems clear to us that you disapprove, which means that your views are indistinguishable from those of that arch-Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg! When he was being attacked by the secular media, certain reactionary bishops such as Egan and Davies, more inspired by the New Testament than the Tablet, went as far as supporting him.

However, the vast majority of us took a more pragmatic view and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, following Jesus's words, "Blessed are ye when ye do not offend people, as then ye will not lose your friends!" Nobody is ever going to be sure what we believe, especially when we get Stonewall to write documents for the Catholic Education Service!

Sorry, Holy Father, you've let us down, and if Cormac were alive now he'd be turning in his grave!

Signed: most of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Monday, 25 September 2017

How to deal with a filial correction

This is part of our self-help guide, "How to be a good Pope", and it deals with your approach to Correction.

About a year ago you received some "dubia" from senior cardinals, asking you to explain Catholic teaching, with particular reference to your apostolic exhortation "The Joy of Sin". As is traditional when Popes are asked to give leadership to their flock, you ignored the dubia entirely, and left it to your poodles - Spider, Bean, Ivory, and a bunch of ludicrously over-promoted cardinals - to gnaw the ankles of anyone who mentioned them.

Pope with hammer and sickle

Time for some firm government at the Vatican!

Now things are getting more serious, as 62 devout Catholics trouble-makers have written a long letter accusing you of spreading heresy on 7 counts. Your first reaction is one of relief - phew, they left out the other 35 charges - but it is all rather embarrassing.

The dubia issue was settled easily enough, and after a year a couple of the cardinals died mysteriously. Fortunately, you have an alibi. However, getting rid of 62 priests and scholars may not be so easy. Take them on a bus trip over a cliff? Invite them to a party with poisoned cakes? Mmm, we'll have to think about this.

Cardinal murders

Not guilty!

Only one thing to do: issue a new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. This entitles people - if they are mates of the Pope - to hurl insults as they wish. The alternative is for us to argue that the letter is in error when it accuses you of being a naughty pope, but you haven't actually got any arguments, have you?

Right, let's attack Dr Joseph Shaw first. He's a Latin Mass junkie, and so is obviously sneering at you because you can't decline "unus-una-unum" (and many of your most notorious Jesuit friends can't decline "sex"). You discard him.

Pope John XXII

Our hero, Pope John XXII. From the days when popes were real popes.

Then there's Deacon Donnelly, a.k.a. Protect the Faith (which turns out to be incompatible with protecting the Pope). He was stamped on a few years ago by Bishop Campbell, and asked to stop blogging and go for a completely voluntary period of rest and reflection, or else. He seems to have escaped his chains. You discard him.

Oh, and Fr John Hunwicke. I'll bet he wrote all the clever bits of the letter. We can't understand the Aramaic jokes on his blog, anyway. You discard him.

To be honest, you haven't read the letter, and you don't intend to read it. And now that you've blocked the Correctio Filialis website from being accessed in the Vatican (thanks for the idea to our dear friend Kim Jong-un!) nobody else will read it either!

Kim Jong-un

"I have received this letter signed by 62 scholars. We know where you live..."

O.K. team, you know what to do. Spider, deploy the sockpuppets. Bean, keep banging on about how you are more intellectual than the gang of 62. Ivory, play a floating role of tweeting odd comments and writing absurd articles for Crux. Get your mates at the Tablet and Fishwrap to help. Summon the cardinals from their LGBT meetings and get them to attack!

But you, Francis, must under no circumstances answer the letter, or even read it.

Thursday, 21 September 2017

The Catholics sign a peace treaty

We are very pleased to announce that the warring factions in the Catholic Church (basically the traditionalist/orthodox group and the liberal/modernist wing) have agreed to settle their differences, and sign a peace treaty. This will allow more time for smiting the Protestants, who have been getting off far too lightly recently.

Pope Francis SJ agrees to answer the five Dubia raised by his dear friends Raymond Burke, Walter Brandmüller, and the two more who were casualties in the Great Catholic Wars. He also agrees to stop insulting other Catholics, to keep his mouth shut on aeroplane trips, and to learn Latin once and for all.

the two Ronnies

Argentina, 1991. Fr Bergoglio meets his hero Austen Ivereigh.

Fr James Martin SJ has agreed to stop trolling the Catholic world with lunatic remarks about homosexual marriage being the only moral lifestyle, the Holy Spirit being female, and Mary Magdalene being the first Pope. He will be allowed to continue selling his book about building bridges, although it will be re-catalogued as "Catholic Comedy".

Groucho Marx

No more sniping at Cardinal Marx and his abandonment of Catholicism!

Bishop McElroy of San Diego will apologise for describing his fellow-Catholics as a "cancer", and promise never again to write articles for America while under the influence of Rosica (made with gin, hair restorer and anti-freeze).

Mr Bean

No more jokes about Massimo Faggioli being "Mr Bean"!

Father Thomas Reese's plan, that updates to the liturgy, the catechism and the Bible should be installed automatically, and probably overnight when nobody's looking, will be abandoned. They would require a total reboot of the CatholicTM operating system, and probably introduce infection by the Jesuit virus.

Laurel and Hardy in drag

No more cruel pictures of Fr Martin and Fr Rosica!

Amoris Laetitia will not be withdrawn, but it will become an excommunicable offence ever to refer to it again, either favourably or unfavourably. Admittedly we shall lose all the spiritually nourishing bits about how good it is for married life if the wife cuts the lawn and the husband does the laundry, but these can probably be found in the Sunday newspapers' "Lifestyle" columns.

Colbert poncing around

All today's pictures featured comedians, so, for a change, here's Colbert doing Catholic stuff.

Next week: Tina Beattie, Father John Zuhlsdorf, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Cardinal Cupich agree: "We all believe the same things really!"