Pope's new exorcise video

It is generally agreed that exorcism of demons is best performed by senior clergy. In the Catholic church it requires a bishop's permission - otherwise priests and deacons have been known to get carried away, attempting to expel demons from cats, rice puddings and bicycles. So it should come as no surprise that Pope Francis has been seen engaging in the practice of exorcism.

I command the spirit of Hans Küng to quit this child!

For dealing with those who are only slightly possessed, Pope Francis has invented an alternative ritual.

So, demon, if I win at scissors-paper-stone, you agree to leave this woman alone?

For highly-connected people, Pope Francis has been known to attempt exorcisms on demand.

So, Miss Biden, how long do you think that your brother has been possessed by demons?

Of course, Pope Francis is not the first to practice exorcism. Pope Benedict XVI also had to confront the evil done by demons who attacked Christianity.

When dealing with the worst demons, Pope Benedict always stood safely inside a pentagram.

Stonewall visits a Catholic School

And now over to St Mary's School, where Fred Flintstone of Stonewall, the organization which knows all about bullying Catholics, has come to explain bullying.

Fred Flintstone knows all about bullying.

Now, Kristin, I understand that you are a victim of homophobic hate-crime, because Tony said your shoes were "gay"?

A "gay" shoe. Note how Kristin hides her face in embarrassment.

Yes, Fred. It's a real problem for me: my shoe would be happiest if paired with another left-foot shoe, but I am forced to match it with a right-foot shoe.

And what would happen if you bought another left-foot shoe?

Well, I tried that, but it didn't fit, and I kept falling over.

Problems in the 100 metres event for people with two left-foot shoes.

Well, this is a typical case. Now, children, there is one way to deal with anyone who expresses a different opinion to you. Do you know what it is? Yes, Eric?

BIGOT! BIGOT! BIGOT!

Well done, Eric. If you scream "Bigot!" this shuts down all further debate, and you don't need to come up with any other arguments. Now, I want as many of you as possible to grow up as Catholics in happy same-sex relationships, so we're going to show you how much fun that can be.

A happy couple from Stonewall

You see, when two men love each other, what they do is they go out into the countryside and build a stone wall together. Well, I'll be telling the over-9s a little bit more about this later - for example, how to place your stones together in an intimate conjunction - but that will do for now. If you have any further questions, do ask your local archbishop.

Archbishop Peter Smith demonstrates an essential piece of stone-walling equipment.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Church Membership in Decline

Jerusalem, Easter Day, AD 33. Shocking figures in this week's Catholic Herald (editor, Matthew Bar-Alphaeus) indicate that Church Membership, which stood at over 5,000 only a few months ago, has plummeted to around 25 (including 11 apostles, various people called Mary, a centurion, etc.)

The Church, in healthier days, at a parish picnic.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea, of the Latin Mass Society, linked the decline to the wrenching changes in the Church produced by the Crucifixion. However, a new initiative, the Resurrection, was announced today; as a result there were predictions that around 500 people might be joining the Church within the next 40 days, with a corresponding increase in apostolic vocations. A further initiative was planned within 50 days.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea - planning a trip to the Glastonbury Festival?

Critics have said that religion as a whole is in decline, partly as a result of the secularising attitudes of Prime Minister "Call me Tibe" Tiberius, regarded by some as a living god with his own temple at Smyrna. Certainly Tiberius has surrounded himself with assistants who are no friends of Christianity, such as one (rumoured to be Pontius Pilate) who this week described the eleven remaining apostles as "swivel-eyed loons" for their opposition to Tibe's policies on orgies, massacres and same-sex marriage.

Conservative Party headquarters, Smyrna.

Deuteronomy

After a hard week attacking rebel Catholics, bad hymns and Dan Brown, what could be nicer than to curl up on the sofa with the book of Deuteronomy? This is part 5 in the Eccles Bible project, where we lead an atheist called Richard to salvation. We are looking at the last book of the Torah/Pentateuch: the word Deuteronomy actually means Second Law, which suggests that someone has miscounted. But never mind.

Deuterium. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy.

Right, let's dive in. We've got 34 action-packed chapters ahead of us. We start off, however, with three chapters of general smiting, and for some reason things go particularly hard for tall people. For example, Moses and his team kill Og of Bashan, the man with a true king-sized bed, 9 cubits by 4 cubits, which is made of iron.

Og of Bashan's iron bed (or perhaps a smaller version of it).

Moses then preaches a few sermons to the Israelites. They are unlike the modern sermon from a church leader, which goes something like this:

"As I was wandering in the desert this morning looking for any men from Heshbon that we might have forgotten to smite, I saw a vulture perching on a rock. 'Squawk, squawk!' he said to me, and I burst into tears, for it reminded me that we are not allowed to eat vultures. In the words of the poet: In for a penny, in for a pound – It’s Love that makes the world go round! Nowadays, we are faced by many real challenges, such as climate change, the need for more wind turbines in the desert, the demand for gluten-free manna and ethically-sourced quails, and of course an end to smiting people on the grounds of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, or favourite football team. But God loves us all. There will be coffee on Mount Sion after the service."

Do not smite this man just because of his footballing beliefs.

No, Moses gets straight to the point and reminds people of the ten commandments; also he explains that they are going to attack all the followers of false gods, and smite them. This is not exactly what you might call "muscular Christianity": they weren't Christians at that stage, and anyway muscular Christians don't really smite people.

Take that, Dawkins minor!

Well, regrettably this is one of the more bloodthirsty bits of the Bible, but in those times it was quite common for people to fight wars against their neighbours. Thank goodness that's all stopped, eh?

Well, I'm fast-forwarding through the next few chapters, which are mostly repeats of earlier teaching (although the text Ye are the children of the Lord your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead, from Chapter 14, verse 1, would repay further study, especially by anyone who feels temped to make some baldness between their eyes.

They're heading for a land flowing with milk and honey.

By the time we get to the end of the book, Moses is now very old; he hands over the reins to Joshua, gives some blessings, takes a look at the promised land, and dies.

If you have been paying attention, Richard, you will notice that the Bible so far mixes legends (with some underlying historical basis), solid history, and the Mosaic law. Next time, we'll look at Joshua's career.

Mosaic law - lots of pieces that fit together.

Bad hymns 22

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn award are delighted to welcome Fr Frank Andersen, creator of the Galilee Song, which you can also hear here if you can stand it. This is the sort of hymn that goes down well with a lot of people, since it is only vaguely Christian. It is mostly about the mental state of the person singing the song, rather than about God.

Is it a hymn? Is it a sea shanty?

Eccles: Now, Father Frank, why not lie down on this couch and sing the first verse of the song to me?

Fr Andersen:

Deep within my heart, I feel voices whispering to me.
Words that I can't understand; meanings I can't clearly hear!
Calling me to follow close, lest I leave myself behind!
Calling me to walking into evening shadows one more time!

E: Yes, you do seem to have severe psychological problems, Father. I would say it's like paranoia, only in reverse. You think you're following someone, but you don't know who or why?

Eccles interviews Father Andersen.

FA: Perhaps I need help, Eccles. Following someone such as Christ for a good reason is one thing, but I find myself following random people in the street, and don't know why.

So I leave my boats behind!
Leave them on familiar shores!
Set my heart upon the deep!
Follow you again, my Lord!

E: Oh yes, that's the chorus, isn't it. Well at least you're following someone called Lord, who seems to have something to do with boats. Would that be anyone in particular?

Why does this man Andersen keep following me?

FA: Well, it is supposed to be Christ. But the abandoned boats are mine, so it could also be Mohammed. Or Krishna. Or Buddha. Or Boris Johnson. I wanted to give people a choice of deities.

E: Very ecumenical. And it goes so well with any musical accompaniment, such as guitars, zithers, kazoos or Balinese nose-flutes. Sing me the next verse.

FA:

In my memories, I know how you send familiar rains
falling gently on my days, dancing patterns on my pain!
And I need to learn once more in the fortress of my mind,
to believe in falling rain as I travel deserts dry!

E: Tell me more about these pains, Father. Headaches is it? Migraines? They seem to be giving you delusions, too. You see, as a matter of fact, deserts dry don't have falling rain. That's why they're dry.

Oh will the rain never stop?

FA: Sigh... I suppose you're right, Eccles. What do you recommend?

E: Take two aspirins, have a lie down, and don't try to write any more hymns, they just upset you.

FA: Eccles, thank you very much.

E: My pleasure. That'll be 100 guineas plus VAT. Next patient, please!

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.

Minutes of the ACTOR pressure group

Minutes of the A Call To Outright Rebellion pressure group, affiliated with A Call To Action, but even more cross with the Vatican.

A bus-shelter in Wigan, May 16th 2013.

Our pressure group (faces hidden to protect them from the Inquisition).

Present: three members.

Apologies for absence from Hans Küng (not allowed out in public), Tina Beattie (busy with her one-woman comedy show), Kieran Conry (got the dates wrong), Cardinal Martini (still dead), and Enda Kenny (busy getting honorary degrees from dodgy organizations).

Leonardo Boff, too busy at the North Pole making toys with his elves.

1. Message of support were received from the Tablet, our sister organization ACTA, and Richard Dawkins.

2. Reasons given for attending the meeting included:

  Actually, I was waiting for a bus, but yes I hate Catholics.
  We want dialogue.
  Give us power, brothers!
  There's nothing good on television.

3. We then all had a good whinge. Why did they introduce a new translation of the Mass that was so much like the Latin version that we all hate? Why did Pope Benedict XVI set up the Ordinariate without providing something for people like us who want to go in the opposite direction? How come the Pope isn't elected democratically by a single transferable vote system? Why do people tap their heads when we tell them we are faithful Catholics who just want to make up our own doctrine? Why do we get escorted out of Mass just for shouting "NO POPERY" at a quiet moment in the service? Why can't every parish have gay masses?

Omo-phobia is a serious problem in the Catholic church. Even the Pope uses Daz.

4. It was noted that ACTA had managed to persuade a misguided Monsignor to attend one of their meetings. It was suggested that we invite a Cardinal along next time.

Cardinal Dolan (seen here conducting a funeral) is unlikely to accept, but Cormac might.

5. It was agreed that the next meeting would take place in prestigious premises in Bolton, possibly the basement of the Dead Parrots "R" Us petshop.

6. A bus arrived, and so the meeting disbanded, vowing vengeance on the Vatican.

Hans Küng writes for the Tablet

We are honoured to be able to print excerpts from Hans Küng's article Don't let spring turn to winter, as published in that well-known organ of dissent, the Tablet.

Hans Küng shocks Catherine Pepinster with the news that the Pope is a papist.

When Jorge Bergoglio took the name Francis as Pope, he did something no pontiff has done before: put himself in the historical tradition of St Francis of Assisi, a simple man who despised Catholic traditions and promoted divorce, abortion and homosexuality. As I wrote in my famous book Pope Benedict ate my hamster, the Catholic church needs to look at some of the key Biblical figures, such as Jezebel, Belshazzar and Herod, and ask itself why it no longer follows in their footsteps.

Belshazzar's Feast - surely this is what the Mass should really be like?

When the men in white coats came for me on my eighty-fifth birthday, they carried me and my life-sized statue into a dark room in the Tübingen Infirmary, and said, "Hans, just relax; you can stop worrying about Pope Benedict, he's resigned." For me a new spring had dawned, tra-la, and the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la, promised a summer of roses and wine.

It is astonishing for me to see how Pope Francis has taken a different path from his predecessor. For him, no sugar in his coffee, only a black-and-white television set, brown shoes rather than red ones, and a cassock in need of darning.

The sock of Pope Francis - a truly holey man.

Francis is a Pope who demonstrates that he is a man with his feet on the ground - unlike the chap I won't mention who refused to restore my permission to teach Catholic theology. (Which is why I was forced to send this article to the Tablet rather than a Catholic newspaper!)

So the advent of Pope Francis signals a time for reform. I have already sent him my 96-point plan, written in the finest green ink, outlining our expectations for a total change of doctrine on euthanasia, the ordination of women, birth control, murder, adultery, theft, bearing false witness, and so on. If he doesn't respond, then he knows what to expect - a new book called Pope Francis - spawn of Satan, which will subtly express my disagreement with him on some matters of doctrine.

Time for your nap, now, Hans. You can write another book when you wake up.

Dr Hans Küng is honorary president of the Pan-Galactic Ethics Foundation. His most recent book, 200 ways to annoy a retired Pope is published by the Heresy Press.

Dan Brown's new translation of the Mass

Following on from a pathetic pastiche called The Da Mian Cod and the rather more ambitious Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown, by a deacon in good standing, it has been announced that Dan Brown, in conjunction with the Bitter Pill, has produced a new translation of the Mass, which Catholics are urged to adopt forthwith.

Literary giant Dan Brown attends the launch of his new Missal at the Vatican.

For the first time, we are able to release some excerpts from the new Creed, as translated by Dan Brown.

I believe in one divine God,
the paternal Father, almighty and known for being very competent,
reputed for making things, indeed He
made the celestial Heaven and terrestrial earth,
and all things visible and invisible, including things you can see 
and things you can't see. Plus a few things that you can
sometimes see but not always, like the Moon.

The invisible man - never mentioned in official Vatican documents.

...I believe in one Lord, the highly-esteemed Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Celebrity Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages - which includes the
Ice Age, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age.

The Ice Age: Robert Langdon discovered that this was a cold time.

... was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.
Also he married Mary Magdalene and had children, but they
keep this secret from you.

Mary Magdalene, a woman with a secret.

...He ascended into heaven, which is
a bit like going up in an elevator, 
only without the whirring sound,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father, 
which He keeps at the end of His right arm.

A rough idea of how the Ascension works.

The next step will be to translate this back into Latin for use at EF Masses.

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Meanwhile, Lord Falconer is to present a bill to the House of Lords this week: it would introduce a system allowing doctors to provide a fatal dose of drugs to patients judged to have less than six months to live.

Overweight, probably a bad health risk. Will he last 6 months?

It's generally considered by Christians that euthanasia is a bad idea (as indeed is suicide), and, looking around, we see many people who might be in danger of being "pushed off the edge."

Enda Kenny - could that problem with his mouth be fatal?

Many Irish, worried about the horrible things Enda Kenny's mouth keeps producing, are hoping to club together to send him to a clinic in Switzerland... or England... or indeed anywhere except Ireland.

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Finally, as a bit of light relief from the serious items above, we attended a service at the Church of the Holy Bubbles, and were pleased to see the dignity and holiness with which the Mass was celebrated.

The Elevation. "Take thee much soap" (Jeremiah 2:22, KJV).

Don't worry, this is not Pope Francis.

Pope Francis, as a former chemist, is of course extremely capable of synthesising bubbles whenever he wishes, although he has the wisdom to recognise that the Mass is not the most appropriate occasion for this.

Pope Francis sends a giant bubble in pursuit of a heretic.

Numbers

So we reach Chapter 4 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is trying to get to grips with theology. We have already seen Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus.

This is not really what the Book of Numbers is about.

Still, some numbers do appear in the book of that name: Moses starts off by counting his people, and comes up with a total of 603,550 men over the age of 20, fit for military service (they are expecting trouble, then...). Rather a lot, really. I had always thought in terms of a smallish flock, but here we have something like the population of Glasgow - since the women and children are presumably not included in this figure.

Some of the Children of Glasgow prepare for a fight.

Anyway, once the census is over, there are various adventures in the desert. The Levites play a prominent part, as people of that tribe don't do military service, but are reserved for religious duties - perhaps a bit hard on those who wanted to become chartered accountants or manufacturers of jeans.

For about forty years, the people of Israel - who are chosen by God, although they don't really find out why until much later - wander in the desert, and most of this takes place in the book of Numbers. Aaron will die, and Moses will be told that he also cannot go into the promised land.

It's not really important, except as a nice story, but let's mention Balaam and his talking donkey. Balaam wants to go and curse the Israelites, because Balak the King of Moab asked him to. But an angel stops him.

Balaam's donkey sees the angel, and gets hit as a result.

So basically, the people of Israel are under God's protection. This makes them very unpopular with the hosts of Midian, whom they basically decide to massacre. Not to mention the Canaanites. Not to mention Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking - sticking up for the Midianites.

Richard, old fruit, I know you're distinctly unhappy with this bit of the Bible. Why is a loving God telling the Israelites to kill people? Even evil people, who indulged in things like prostitution, abortion, and same-sex marriage? Why, aren't we lucky that we don't do things like that ourselves, eh? We might be in deep trouble!

I don't think a caption is needed...

All right, so basically the Israelites are going to do God's will, and as a result they will get preferential treatment. We have one more book of the Pentateuch/Torah to go (i.e., Deuteronomy), and this will see us through to the end of Moses.

Moses and the bronze snake (Numbers 21) - an early homeopathic cure for snake-bite.

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A note on the text: apparently, in Chapter 10 the author uses a rare glyph called an inverted nun. Since these are so rare, let's have a photo.

An inverted nun.