Pope Francis really does resign

Rumours circuating in the Vatican were confirmed today, when Pope Francis finally announced his resignation. "My work here is done," he said. "I have united the Catholic Church, sorted out China, put Catholic doctrine on a firm and unambiguous basis, cleared up all the questions of the Vatican finances, got rid of all the perverts and junkies, and in general ushered in a new era of Catholicism. In conclusion I would like to state infallibly and ex cathedra that... aaargh!"

The "aaargh" is not a new piece of doctrine, but was the result of a mass rush onto the dais when it was feared that the Holy Father might say something incredibly stupid ex cathedra, rather than, as is usual, ex aeroplana or ad Scalfarium.

"It's been a lot of fun!"

So Francis fades into obscurity, having vowed to spend his declining years in (a) learning how to pray; (b) writing his memoirs to correct the errors of Austen Ivereigh; and (c) trying to chase up that Chinese pilgrim whom he impatiently slapped... "so that I can give her a real walloping". Now we have a Pope Emeritus Senior and a Pope Emeritus Junior, and the question is: who will be next?

Well, it can't be Cupich (too heretical), Marx (too fat for the chair of Peter), Tagle (too pathetic), Sarah (too African), or Burke (too American). So here is our hot tip:

Cardinal Saito has been hiding in the Burmese jungle since the 1960s, and has never heard of Vatican II. When he first went there as a young priest, all Masses were in the extraordinary form, clerical sex abuse hadn't been invented, men were real men, and popes were real popes (or at least as real as John XXIII). Owing to a clerical error, Saito was raised to the College of Cardinals by Pope John-Paul II, even though nobody had heard of him for 40 years.

The Cardinal who came in from the cold: Saito smites a heretic.

Support for Saito is gathering among all sections of the College of Cardinals, as someone who can start the Church off with a clean sheet, and who is totally uninfluenced by Freemasonry, Liberation Theology, Modernism, Feminism, Wokeness, etc. If elected, he will restore everything in the Church to how it was in 1960. Of course his habit of running around with a machete, shouting, "Kill the heretics" is not likely to endear him to everyone. Still, you heard it here first. Look out for Pope Goliath!

Conversion of St Donald not universally popular

Syria, 35 AD.

Many Christians have welcomed the recent conversion of Donald of Tarsus, who recently "saw the light" on the Damascus March for Life. Not previously seen as a major religious figure, Donald is now expected to be a play a significant part in the development of the Church.

"I heard a mighty beating drum, and knew that it was evil."

We asked St Donald whether he would be expressing his teachings in a selection of epistles, which might later be collected for publication. Apparently, he tends to communicate in shorter theological documents called "tweets", and the plan is to number them and arrange them as verses. The first collection will be called the First Epistle to the Democratians.

Donald's previous life has of course not been irreproachable. There was a stoning incident, known as STEPHENGATE, in which he is said to have been involved - so much so that he was even impeached for this. Still, there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth than in 99 Tablet readers who need no repentance, as someone once said.

A very senior churchman, St Philip, has welcomed Donald's participation in the March for Life, and this seems to be the officially correct attitude to take. However, Tina Beata, the Holy Land's expert on Human Flourishing, disagrees.

Oops! St Donald (also known as The President) made the mistake of not being female.

The Prodigal Son

1. There was a man who had two sons, William and Harry.

2. The younger son said, "Father, give me my share of the estate. I wish to become independent.

3. For my wife Meghan hath had enough of opening abattoirs in Goole and recycling centres in Basingstoke.

4. She wisheth to return to the holy wood of her forefathers, wherein she may be a celebrity without any duties, save to speak voice-overs for him that is called Disney.

5. Although she hateth the orange man that is called Trump, and will for the time being retire to Canada, where the black-face man ruleth, he that is called Trudeau."

The father is grieved on hearing of his son's wish to depart.

6. And thus Harry and Meghan left the family that is known as royal, and began to squander their wealth in wild living.

7. Indeed, Harry forsook the title of "Your Prodigal Highness" and changed his name to "Mr Sussex".

8. They went into the market-place and tried to make their fortune by selling useful items, under the name of "Sussex Prodigal".

9. But, alas, nobody wanted to buy a carbon-neutral biodegradable gluten-free halal antiracist clockwork hedgehog that played "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" even if it did bear the label "Sussex Prodigal".

10. So after Harry had spent the fortune that his father had given him, he was sent into the fields to feed pigs.

11. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

Mr Sussex feedeth the pigs.

12. Thus he came to his senses, and bade Meghan return with him to the house of his father.

13. He said to his father, "Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

14. And his father said, "Let us welcome back my son who was lost. Bring the fatted calf and kill it! After that he can rejoin the family.

15. There is a public convenience in Wolverhampton that he may go and open. Let him make a hard-hitting speech, explaining how much the world needs such conveniences."

16. But Meghan spake out, saying, "For shame! We will only eat a low-fat vegan calf. Thou art a racist and a sexist beast."

17. Thus Harry went back to the pig farm again.

18. And they all lived happily ever after.

Brainteaser

F, B, S and G are senior clergy of unimpeachable moral character.

However, G asserts that S lied when he denied that F said that B had claimed that S had contradicted G's testimony that B had admitted that F had told S that B had not said that G thought F had overheard G telling B that S was wrong to deny that B had told F that S had sworn that G had dismissed G's claim that F had reported that B had told S that F was proclaiming that G's account of the conversation between S and B was to be accepted... whom do we believe?

Answers on a postcard to Eugenio Scalfari.

"But didn't G tell you that B had refused to comment?"

Francis and Benedict agree a deal

The scene: Emeritus Pope Benedict's apartment. Benedict is sitting at a desk, putting his finishing touches to a new manuscript "From the depths of the Joy of Love", soon to appear as a collaborative venture with Cardinals Burke and Brandmüller (I wouldn't be so sure about that). Enter Archbishop Georg Gänswein, perturbed.

A crisis in the Vatican!

Gänswein: Holy Emeritus Father, we're in a mess here. The other Holy Father is seething with rage at your book with Cardinal Sarah. He's already slapped six pilgrims today, and he's wearing boxing gloves for his audience this morning. He says Pachamama is very angry!

Benedict: But what did we do? The book simply restates traditional Catholic teaching. Oh... I see the problem...

Gänswein: The attack poodles have been deployed. The big hitters such as Ivereigh, Beans (he's been tweeting non-stop for 48 hours, having injections of gelato to keep him going), Mickens, ... not to mention the small hitters such as Rich Raho the dunce of the class.

"Look, it's only Rosica who takes credit for other people's work."

Benedict: What does Sarah say?

Gänswein: What can he say? He wrote some of the book, you wrote some of the book. This is what we technically call a joint work. But the Fat Controller wants you to say that Sarah was the author, and all you did was wake up and nod occasionally as he read the book out.

Benedict: Ask the guys at Ignatius Press what really happened.

Gänswein: We did. They used Ignatian discernment (following a spot of Ignatian yoga) to determine that you really are one of the authors.

"The Ignatius Press is one of my favourite yoga positions," says papal aide-de-camp Fr Jim.

Benedict: Look, I don't care. I don't need the fame or the royalties. Imagine having to do a book tour like poor Ivereigh, where only two children and a dog turn up to each lecture, and the dog won't stop howling. I'll take my name off it, on one condition.

Gänswein: Anything...

Benedict: Tell Francis to take his name off Amoris Laetitia. It could be labelled, "By Lorenzo Baldisseri in discussion with Pope Francis."

Gänswein: That could be the deal we're looking for!

Pope Benedict writes a book

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI has written a new book in collaboration with Cardinal Sarah, and the reviews are already coming in from influential people who haven't read it.

Robert Mickens, once fired from the Tablet for being an utterly vile person:

"Why isn't the Rat dead yet? He's got no right to carry on living after he abdicated. I sent him a coffin for Christmas but he refuses to use it. Anyway, he seems to be totally gaga, and obviously didn't write the book."

Causing a meltdown in liberal circles.

Massimo Faggioli, the thinking girl's sex symbol:

"The pope emeritus operates in the political-mediatic ecosystem with a freedom typical of the neo-liberal ideology: what the market can bear." (Yes, he really said that. It's a theology professor's way of saying "Shut up, Benedict, you're yesterday's man. When you became Emeritus they took away the keys to Heaven and you stopped being infallible. I'm allowed to express my views, but you are not. So shut your gob.")

"I only wanted a cup of coffee, but when I started to explain the multilayered crisis in the hermeneutics of her menu, the waitress ran away screaming."

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who needs no introduction:

"I am in two minds here - swinging both ways, you might say. Pope Benedict is a good man, but we can't have him setting up a parallel magisterium, following 2000 years' worth of dead popes, in conflict with Pope Francis's new magisterium. Besides, did you know that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene?"

Austen Ivereigh, Pope Francis's official attack poodle:

"I have it on good authority from Fr Nosuchperson that Benedict has been in a coma for the last seven years, and could not possibly express an opinion on anything. I blame that unscrupulous courtier Cardinal Sarah for making up the whole thing."

"Here's looking at you, Austen!

Ricky Gervais slams the Vatican

The host of this year's Holy-wood "Golden Globes" award ceremony, Fr Richard Gervais, best known for his comedy show "The Holy Office", was taking no prisoners this week.

It was clear that he did not like any of the films or actors winning awards, and he did not hesitate to say so, accusing most of them of blasphemy and hypocrisy.

Fr Richard Gervais.

"Look at The Pachamama Synod," he said. "This has been nominated for numerous awards. The plot involves Catholics praising wooden idols, which are then thrown into the Tiber. But look at the wooden actors we had singing praises to the idols - not one of them would pass for a real Catholic. The producer missed a trick too - in real life it is the worshippers who would have been thrown into the river."

Wooden actors singing to a wooden idol.

"Another unbelievably bad film is The Two Popes," he added, "which stars old Joe Ratzinger and Jorge Bergoglio. We see this Benedict character voluntarily going into retirement, to spend his declining years in praying and drinking beer. Meanwhile, we are asked to believe that this implausible 'Francis' character is elected Pope and promptly proceeds to demolish the Ten Commandments, one by one. What a display of overacting from Jorge! No real pope has behaved like that in two thousand years!"

The famous endurance scene - which pope will stand up first?

"I hope that no awards are given to The China Syndrome," continued Fr Richard. "This is a film in which control of the Catholic Church in China is given over to a murderous dictatorial regime. The Chinese lock up Catholic priests, appoint their own, and rewrite the Nicene Creed so that it is all about that arch-villain Chairman Mao. The scene in which Pietro Parolin rolls on the ground and lets the Chinese tickle his tummy is totally disgusting. Jorge Bergoglio's cameo role slapping a Chinese pilgrim was also a highly inappropriate bit of comedy in what is supposed to be a serious film."

Spot the mistakes.

In the end it turned out that the only film that Fr Gervais has liked was The Fat Cardinals, in which two overweight prelates engage in Sumo wrestling. "Timmy Dolan and Rhino Marx were never very convincing when they were miscast in religious roles," he said. "Casting them as overweight lumps of lard was a stroke of genius."

Dolan and Marx get to grips!

Fr Richard repeated his condemnation of the hypocrisy of the cardinals present, who he said had been totally neglecting their roles as shepherds of the sheep. It is not thought that he will be invited to next year's ceremony, and maybe someone less controversial such as Carlo Maria Viganò will host it instead.

The ancient art of Papa-Slappa

As a public service to our readers, we shall explain the art of Papa-Slappa. This is the traditional Catholic form of self-defence, analogous to the Buddhists' Shaolin Kung-Fu, the Muslims' Allahu-Akbar, and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee.

A Papa-Slappa white-belt master prepares to strike.

In the modern Catholic Church, all weapons are condemned, and so Jesu-i masters have developed techniques of self-defence known only to those Jesu-i knights who have reached the highest level. Rather than hitting each other with light sabers, the Jesu-is use Papa-Slappa to subdue their adversaries.

The basic technique is to lure the victim into a false sense of security, so that they believe they will receive a blessing, or at least that their petitions will be heard. Then WHOP! and they are left reeling.

A scene from Return of the Jesu-i featuring the robot MA55-1MO.

Traditionally the Swiss Guard have been armed with light sabers and other offensive weapons, but under the guidance of Jesu-i master O-be-goglio they have been asked to abandon these arms and train in the skills of Papa-Slappa instead. As we said at the Amazon synod, when worshipping wooden statues, "May the farce be with you!"

Another demonstration of Papa-Slappa is about to take place.

WARNING: Papa-Slappa is NOT a game. It is a martial art that requires years of practice and can cause serious injury (the Chinese lady in our first picture is currently convalescing in the St Nicholas home for wounded Catholics). Initiates should begin by practising with less aggressive martial arts, such as the Kissa-Peace, before attempting Papa-Slappa.

Judas Iscariot SJ - a new biography

St Jon M. Sweeney has written a biography of Judas Iscariot SJ, the misunderstood disciple, LGBT pioneer, and top theologian; it is called Judas Iscariot: In the Company of Jesus, and is published today!

Going to Amazon (in a non-synodal capacity), we found three very enthusiastic reviews of this new book.

Already nominated Book of the Year!

"Here's what I can't help but love about Judas Iscariot: his refreshing new teachings, so different from listening to what Christ had to say, so honest, so alive and unfurling. Father Judas's love for money (30 pieces of silver for each book published) impels him to talk nonstop about the virtues of an LGBTQ lifestyle. Courage, Judas. I've been wibbling on about the death penalty for 90-plus years (oh, nobody cares about you, Sister Bluejean). When you love talking, you stay in dialogue."

Sister Swinging Bluejean, CSJ, Author of lots of stuff about people being executed.

A relic from the swinging 60s.

"St Jon M. Sweeney has composed a detailed, fascinating portrait of one of our great spiritual leaders, Judas Iscariot. From a not very religious family and after a stint on the Galilee Stock Exchange, Martin heard the unlikely call to the 12 Disciples. This led to his blossoming into a best-selling author and a controversial spokesperson for welcoming LGBTQI+ persons to the Church. It’s a gift to nonbelievers who want to stay that way, as well as helping devout Catholics who are planning to lapse."

Mary Karraphas, poet and memoirist, author of various books that we've never heard of.

"[Fill in name here] is one of the most important voices in Christian spirituality today and [Fill in name here]'s story of his life and his work will, I promise, make you want to be a [better/worse] person. We need to define what Christian discipleship means in the present moment. This book will help you do that."

Ronald Hellraiser, author of far too much already.

Fr Ron demonstrates the new Vatican-approved way of fighting off unwanted pilgrims.

Pope Francis slaps an unwanted fan

It is reported that Pope Francis has slapped a strange Chinese person, I-va Ree, who grabbed the papal hand and refused to let go.

The event took place in St Peter's Square, where the Pope had been greeting pilgrims. Seeing I-va Ree, he turned away hastily, but the indomitable Chinaman insisted on holding his hand and shouting a slogan, which our experts insist was "Read my book!"

The moment when Pope Francis realized that he would have to slap I-va Ree.

Our theological correspondent Benny Dictus writes:

Violence is a well-established procedure in the Catholic Church, dating back to the time when Jesus slapped the sick woman who clutched his coat. Then, St Nicholas is celebrated for punching Arius, saying "I don't like your face, chummy! Ho ho ho!"

Nowadays, in a Novus Ordo Mass, anyone who attempts to continue the Sign of Peace too long - e.g. when the Agnus Dei has started - is liable to a good sloshing as well. So there is nothing unusual here.

The Sign of Peace, as performed by a Karate Master.

The refugee Pope

A Christmas appeal.

At this time of year, our thoughts naturally turn to the plight of refugees, and I want to highlight the case of Jorge, an Argentinian priest.

Jorge fled to Italy about six years ago, changed his name to Francis to evade the Argentinian Secret Service, TANGO, and has since been unable to go home. If he returns to Argentina, he is likely to be arrested and asked all sorts of embarrassing questions about his activities there. So he has been working in Rome, in an administrative job that is clearly beyond him, waiting for the day when he will be able to return home.

Jorge (masked for his own protection).

Jorge's religion is a simple Pachamama-based worship, as is usual for the indigenous people of South America. However, he has been under severe pressure to adopt the right-wing imperialistic colonialist fascist Catholic religion, as founded by that not-very-Socialist man Christ, who is styled the "King" by his followers, rather than a humble "Comrade" or "Citizen Jesus".

Pachamama bishops refuse Communion as they don't believe in it.

Jorge wants nothing more to live a humble lifestyle, perhaps taking aeroplane trips once a month to destinations worldwide (not Argentina!), being addressed as "Holy Father", and worshipping in his own unique manner, making up doctrine whenever he feels like it. Is it too much to ask for your support here?

The Advent Calendar

So, finally, we reach day 24 of Advent, and all the little windows on my spiritually nourishing Advent calendar have been opened.

We see here all that is best in contemporary Catholicism. None of that rigid stuff with Jesus and the Apostles, the Saints, the Martyrs, or the Doctors of the Church - although at least two of the people on the calendar humbly expect to become saints when they die, one is a martyr to flatulence, and two more think they will be doctors of the Church.

Who can these top Catholics be?

The pictures include two puppets (not counting you, Austen!) and one heathen idol; one pope and two future popes; an expert on human flourishing; the two fattest cardinals since Wolsey; at least two people who are certifiably insane; and a man with a lampshade on his head.

However, the makers of the calendar have excluded all dangerously rigid and merciless Catholics: so no Benedict XVI, no Sarah, no Schneider, no Burke, no Viganò, no Festing, etc. etc.

And a happy Christmas to all readers!

The Eccles crèche, with the unusually large king.

Has Francis been replaced by an android?

Various theories have been advanced about the mysterious device seen attached to Pope Francis, as observed on Marco Tosatti's lovely blog. Is it a radio, enabling him to receive instructions from his controller, Fr Spadaro? Could it be a medical device, allowing the Pope to operate at a faster rate than the average 83-year-old? Or is it simply a communicator produced by the primitive indigenous peoples of South America, enabling him to stay in touch with Pachamama?

That mystery object.

No, in fact the truth is (probably) rather different. When the St Gallen Mafia arranged for Jorge Bergoglio to become Pope, they also constructed an android, which was programmed with all the knowledge and experience of that great cardinal. Bergoglio himself had said many times that he did not wish to be Pope, so, when the white smoke emerged, they hurriedly dressed the android in papal robes and pushed it out onto the balcony of St Peter's. The mystery object is an electronic component that is not usually visible.

At first, the android performed reasonably well. However, gradually some electronic faults began to develop - writing Amoris Laetitia caused the circuitry to overheat; more problems were seen when the android was placed in an aeroplane, and the plane's electronic components caused it to produce random teachings; desperate attempts by Baldisseri and his fellow-engineers to rewire the Pope simply led to more errors.

A hitherto unpublished picture of Pope Francis.

In the last week or two, more degradation of performance has been noted. The Martini 2.0 filter that was fitted has started to malfunction; the Sign of the Cross relays are getting rusty; there is an overloading of the Pachamama diodes; the Catholicism over-ride has stopped working; and the infallibility chip is in danger of catching fire.

Quick - can someone reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, before it is too late?

Pope Francis addresses the Curia

Dear brothers and sisters,

Start with something friendly. Usually you insult them for twenty minutes without a break, and it doesn't go down well.

You are awful, but I like you! God commands us to love everyone, even time-serving wastrels such as yourselves, so I do love you. Honestly. Have a good Christmas, or Eid, or Hanukah, according to choice! Just don't overeat, you fat slobs.

"Remember Christendom no longer exists. Least of all in Rome."

Hmm, not bad, that seems to have won them over. How about some Process Theology now? I know it's heretical, but dress it up in scientific language.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Francis. Its ten-year mission, to initiate processes, to avoid occupying spaces, and to give birth to new historical dynamics. To boldly go where no Church has gone before.

After all, E=mc²; on the other hand time wastes our bodies and our wits but we waste time so we are quits. In the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "May the Force be with you". Or as R2D2 put it, "Bleep, bleep, bleep!" And I think there is a message there for all of us.

A true prophet.

Brilliant. Now, a tribute to Cardinal "shaken but not stirred" Martini. After all, he was the arch-modernist whose St Gallen group got you the job.

Cardinal Martini, in his last interview, a few days before his death, said something that should make us think: "The Church is two thousand years behind the times, still following teachings from the first century. We need to change everything. Socialism, liberation theology, revolution. Give Baal a chance!" Makes you think, doesn't it?

Martini (or Baal).

Wind up with a grumble about rigidity. That always goes down well.

As many gymnasts will tell you, rigidity is a great temptation, which must be resisted. It leads to imbalance, and falling off the high bar. The same applies in Catholicism. Keeping the same religious opinions for years on end, just because they are traditional Christian teaching, leads to erecting fences on the terrain of common good, turning it into a minefield of incomprehension and hatred. That's how minefields are created - ask any engineer.

Wind up now, they're getting bored.

Well I would bless you with the sign of the cross, but I find that very rigid. So I'd just like to thank you for watching me and my little show here tonight. If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile. So, until we meet again, good night, and I love you all!

How to worship a life-jacket

We continue our series on "How to be a good Pope" with more advice for any of our readers who may at some stage be invited to give spiritual leadership to millions around the world.

Today, it's life-jackets (or life-vests, if you prefer). For years you have been riding round the world in aeroplanes, telling the other passengers (who simply wanted you to shut up so that they could watch the in-flight movie) the truth about sin and redemption climate change and plastic straws.

You became jealous of the flight attendants who got to demonstrate the oxygen masks and life jackets. After all, nobody questions their teaching - there are no flight attendants sending in dubia to ask whether the masks should provide laughing gas instead, or the life jackets be made of lead. But when you speak out, every word is analysed and intepreted in different ways.

Praise to the holy life-jacket!

Your scheme to replace the Virgin Mary with Pachamama didn't go down too well, and indeed your idols were thrown into the Tiber (without life-jackets). But replacing Christ on the Cross with a life-jacket is going to be a real winner!

Curiously, Christ is one of the few people in history who would never have needed a life-jacket, as He could walk on water; but that is purely coincidental.

Now, some critics might call you a "loony" for distorting an instantly-recognisable symbol of your faith in this way. So, make up a cover story, something about migrants drowning, if you like. It's currently Catholic teaching that this is a bad thing - although the precedent of Jonah suggests that perhaps the answer to the problem is to fill the Mediterranean with giant fish - so anyone who criticises the elevation of the blessed life-jacket "Jacketamama" to the Cross is obviously a complete fascist who likes nothing more than drowning his fellow men.

This scheme should be a winner, and it will keep people's attention occupied while you smuggle out an apostolic exhortation telling people what you wish the Amazon Synod had decided.

O Peter! I told you to put on a life-jacket!

Harry Potter and the Curse of Woke

All royalties to be divided equally with J.K. Rowling.

"Harry (he him), have you met the new pupil, Doris Trans?" asked Hermione (she, her). "She was born as Boris Trans, but don't call her that. Apparently, a great wizard cast a spell on her, and she is now female!"

A bearded giant strode into the room. "Hi, guys, gals, and others!" she said. "Professor Dumbledore (he, him, most of the time) has said I can use the girls' changing rooms; I'm looking forward to taking up ladies' boxing and wrestling, and smashing girls' heads in."

The beautiful Doris Woke.

Just then Hagrid entered the room, carrying a huge trunk. "Hey, Boris," he said, "here's your luggage!"

"You transphobic BIGOT!" said Doris, knocking Hagrid unconscious with a single blow of her delicate fists.

Quick as a flash, Hermione reacted. Trying out a new spell for the first time she waved her wand and shouted "CIS TRANS". Instantly, everyone in the room began to identify with the opposite gender: Harriet Potter (she, her), Hismione Granger (he, him), Boris Trans (he, him), and the lovely but rather stunned Hagrida (she, her).

Professor Snape, who was just passing, caught a weakened form of the spell, and became convinced that he or she was now a member of all genders simultaneously.

"You'll be punished for this, Miss, er, Mr Granger!"

That evening Dumbledore decided to take action, and he used the Sorting Hat to classify each of the pupils into one of the four main genders: male, female, transmale, and transfemale. This just left Draco Malefem, who insisted that zi was Two-Spirit Fluid Bi-Pan-Sexual, and would need to use both bathrooms simultaneously.

But where did that leave Lord (or Lady) Voldemort? Nobody knew.

Author's note: this is supposed to be a spiritually nourishing blog, so we end with a quotation from Jeremiah 13:23.

"Can the leopard change his spots, or the man his chromosomes?"

Fr James Martin tries Conversion Therapy

The subject of "Conversion Therapy" or "Reparative Therapy" is controversial, and according to that top papal adviser Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, "such programs have been discredited by nearly every reputable psychiatrist, cause immense psychological harm to people, and 'cure' nothing."

Thus it came as a surprise when Fr Jim knocked on the door of the Dr Eccles Clinic and demanded conversion.

The patient, before Conversion Therapy.

We strapped him down in a chair, attached electrodes to him, and injected him with Ecclesine, the new wonder conversion drug.

Day 1. The patient begins to revise his views on Biblical teaching. He concedes that perhaps Jesus did not get His best ideas from the Canaanite Woman, and that maybe after all Mary Magdalene was not "the Church" between the time of the Crucifixion and the Resurrection.

Day 2. The patient admits that it is just possible that the Holy Spirit is male, and not female.

Day 3. Big strides forward. The patient burns his collection of Pachamama idols, and the collected works of Austen Ivereigh. He admits that America Magazine is "rubbish from beginning to end".

"This garden-gnome will have to go!" says Fr Jim.

Day 4. Another success! Fr Jim starts regretting his obsession with LGBT issues, and says that "building bridges" is not the answer. He doesn't quite go as far as admitting the existence of sin, but things are looking promising.

Day 5. Another surprising statement from Fr Jim: "Thomas Merton was a dirty old man and a heretic!" He decides to abandon his Jesuit membership, and says that "Ignatian Yoga destroys your soul and causes hernias."

Day 6. We try giving the patient a Bible, a Penny Catechism, and a copy of the Eccles blog. This proves to be too much at this early stage, and he is rushed into intensive care, suffering from an overdose of Spiritual Nourishment.

Day 7. The patient is given a copy of the Catholic Herald, and manages to digest it without becoming feverish. Soon he will be ready for undiluted Catholicism.

Surely that's a Catholic priest?

Day 8. The Conversion is Complete! Fr Jim is now a fully orthodox Catholic. Perhaps, indeed, we have gone too far: he is reading all the conservative blogs and making derogatory comments about Amoris Laetitia. What would Pope Francis say?

Brexodus 20 - Bosis smiteth the Corbynites

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. Thus in the seventh month Bosis became the leader of the Conservatites, and was charged with leading the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

2. And he appointed wise counsellors: Sajidiah the chancellor, Dominic the Raabi as secretary for foreigners, and Priti of Patmos as secretary for homes.

3. And Bosis spake unto the Pharaoh Juncker, saying, "The deal of Maysis is not welcome unto us, and if we must, we shall leave without any deal at all. But in any case, we shall leave on the last day of the tenth month."

4. And straightaway there came the season of holy days, and the members of the House of common people went to the Red Seaside with their buckets and spades, and thought how they might cross it.

The Red Sea.

5. But now many men began to desert the troops of Bosis. These included Ken-neth the clerk, Philip of Ham-mon, Nicho-las the Soamanite, and Amber the ruddy one. These were known as "big beasts", especially Nicho-las.

6. And Bosis said "Hitherto I have chastised ye with whips, but now I shall chastise ye with scorpions." But he had no scorpions, and the big beasts reamined unchastised, without the whip.

7. Moreover, John of Ber-cow, he that was called the speaker, whose every word was "Order! Order!" vowed to stop the Brexodus by fair means or foul. For this is called "impartiality".

8. So Bosis said, "May this for a lark be stuffed, and let us send the members of the House of common people back to the Red Seaside, to a place called Pro-rog, that they thwart me not."

9. But at that time the children of Bri-tain were really being ruled by Judges. Thus, in the courts of the supreme, it was decided that the House of common people must leave Pro-rog, and return to work.

10. And all the people rejoiced, for is not the word of an unelected judge to be preferred above the word of an elected leader?

The judges dress up as tigers in order to frighten Bosis.

11. Now Bosis returned from the Pharaoh with a new deal, and he vowed once again to leave at the end of the tenth month.

12. But, owing to a series of events which are too complex for this book, especially if it is to be read out at Mass when people are thinking of something else, he was unable to leave.

13. For Oliver the Lost One, aided by Ber-cow the speaker, forced Bosis to write to the Pharaoh Juncker and Donald Ivereigh-Tusk, saying "We wish to remain in the land of EUgypt for a bit longer, as we are having such a great time."

14. And Bosis sent the letter, but refused to sign it. Indeed, he sent a second letter, saying, "Please ignore the first letter for I was being tortured when I wrote it."

15. However, the Pharaoh guessed that the first letter was from Bosis, and granted him a few more months of servitude.

Bosis maketh things perfectly clear.

16. In the end the House of common people, having debated for three years on the question of Brexodus, agreed to dissolve itself, and allow the children of Bri-tain to elect new leaders.

17. And Ber-cow vowed to speak no more. Although he was later heard speaking on the visions of Tele.

18. Thus there were four main tribes involved in the election: the Conservatites of Bosis, the Corbynites of Jeremiah (he who hated the children of Israel), the Liberated Democratites of Josephine, and the Scottites of the north, who worshipped a giant sturgeon.

19. So for forty days and forty nights the four tribes put forth their empty promises ("a camel in every home", "handmaidens to satisy your every wish", "a land flowing with milk and honey") to the children of Bri-tain. And the children of Bri-tain threw their words into the burning fiery furnace.

Bosis meeteth his adversaries, including the Count of Binface, at the bridge of Ux.

20. So finally, in the middle of the twelfth month, the people showed their wishes by writing a mighty "X" on the papers of ballot.

21. And, when the votes were counted, it was seen that Bosis had vanquished the Corbynites. Also, Josephine the Democratite was cast into the outer darkness, as were many other famous men, including Chukhas Ur-money and some of the big beasts.

22. Thus Bosis was granted five more years in which to leave the land of EUgypt. If he could.

To be continued.