Arthur Roche: an apology

On Tuesday Pope Leo XIV received Cardinal Roche in audience, probably for the first time in his pontificate. This led to a lot of speculation about the fate of the rotund cardinal - surely it was too soon to hope for a repeal of Traditionis Custodes?

Mea culpa, I posted on Twitter/X a suggestion that Uncle Arthur had been reassigned to an unknown destination, together with the following obviously bogus picture (or so I thought).

This somehow went viral (as people say when their posts are making lots of people ill at the same time), and somehow a rumour went round that the good man was going to the Falkland Islands. I am happy to confirm that this is not the case. Probably.

Here are a few more doctored photos of Arthur Roche, which I am also happy to admit to.

Only the caption is invented.

A bit of thought-reading.

This one may be genuine.

And while we're celebrating the future ice-skating Bishop of Port Stanley, it would be a pity not to mention this contribution from @lastenglishking

How to be a good pope 2.0

So it has happened. The previous pope (let's call him Fred the Humble) has finally died, and you have gone through the process involved in choosing a successor.

It was arduous: you were locked in a room with over 100 lunatics (and a few sane people), and told that you could not eat, drink, or go to the lavatory until a victim had been selected. After disposing of the silly candidates, such as Pah-Oh-Lin, the financial wizard who wanted China to run the Vatican, and Raggle-Taggle, the dancer who sang "Imagine" to the conclave before bursting into tears, the choice fell on you.

"Tell me what Eccles says I should do."

What should you do now, apart from prayer? (And don't pray that it was all a bad dream, as it wasn't!) Well, you must start slowly. Start by pretending that St Fred the Humble is already canonized and is looking down on the Church benevolently - which he never did when he was alive. You can do this by saying things like "He has gone back to his Father's House" without mentioning that this is precisely what the Prodigal Son did. This is called the Heretic of Continuity (memo: check spelling).

So far you have support from the most unlikely sources: traditionalists such as Cardinal Sally of Africa, and popesplainers such as little Jane Austen of Oxford. But will they continue to support you?

The man from "Where Pachamama Is" is also backing you so far.

Things you must not do, at least not in the first month:

1. Declare Pope Fred the Humble an anti-pope, and have his corpse taken away in a van (as he did with his predecessor);

2. Sack all the basket cases more controversial appointments, such as Kisso and Ferrero Rocher;

3. Rush into print with lots of new Apostolic Exhortations contradicting everything that was said in the last 12 years.

Long-standing readers of this blog will appreciate this meeting with Bishop Campbell.

No, a little diplomacy is needed. Pope Fred contradicted all his predecessors without admitting that he was doing this, so you can do the same:

1. Say how much you admire Amorous Letitia, but stress the importance of married life and the evils of divorce.

2. Praise Traditionalists Crushed, but point out that in fact it does not mean that there can be any restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass. Which brings us onto the next piece of advice.

3. Do nothing about the Bishop of Charlatan in the USA who gets his pastoral ideas from the Gestapo Handbook. You are confident that the outcry over his wackier edicts, e.g.

no suits and ties for men;
no silence before Mass - talking to your neighbours is compulsory;
guitar and tambourine only - no organ; 
no male altar-servers, just girls in mini-skirts; 
women can wear mitres but not mantillas;

will soon convince him to look for a job more suited to his talents, such as prison warder. Either that or he'll back down and claim that it was a "draft".

An alternative to mantillas.

4. Praise Fiddled Supplies, but interpret it carefully to mean that blessing same-sex couples is a no-no. This may upset Fr Martin James LGBTSJ, but he's already sulking at the prospect of no further photo-opportunities with a pope.

5. It would be going too far to praise Pachamama and Rupnik, but make it known that Pope Fred's views are to be respected. Meanwhile, quietly burn all the idols and lock the sex maniac in a dark dungeon with rats.

Don't worry. You probably have plenty of time in which to Make Catholicism Holy Again. I'll be back later with more advice, Holy Father, so watch this space!

---

Apologies for writing an entirely serious post this time. I am humbled by the fact that the AI program Grok is better at humour than I am. I asked it to write a prayer for humility in the style of P.G. Wodehouse, and it managed this (click to enlarge it):

How can I possibly compete?

The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

POST-BIBLICAL SAINTS January 2025

Gold: Thomas Aquinas
Silver: Augustine of Hippo
Bronze: Benedict of Nursia
Fourth Place: Teresa of Ávila

SUBJECTS FOR PAPAL DOCUMENTS February 2025

Gold: Abortion and IVF
Silver: Persecution of Christians
Bronze: Same-sex marriage
Fourth Place: Surrogacy

NARNIA POLL April 2025

Gold: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Silver: The Last Battle
Bronze: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Fourth Place: Prince Caspian

NAME THAT POPE May 2025

A dead heat between Leo and Gregory.
John and Clement in 3rd and 4th places.

PREDICT THE POPE May 2025

Gold: Pizzaballa
Silver: Erdő
Sarah and Eijk in 3rd and 4th places.

How to be a saintly pope

Over the last twelve years we have written many articles giving advice on "How to be a good pope", suitable for those of our readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

Still, all good things must come to an end and eventually you will "pass", as the Americans call it, or "kick the bucket, shuffle off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the choir invisible" in the British idiom. So, all that remains is to get canonized!

This is the image you want - none of that Hieronymus Bosch stuff!

Of course, not all popes get canonized. For every John XXIII or Paul VI who gets the white halo for turning up at Vatican II, there's a Leo XIII or Pius XII who just doesn't make the cut. (Personally, I am going for a sort of Carlo Acutis canonization, based on the quality of my blog, but that will have to wait a while yet.)

So what can you do to improve your chances of sycophantic praise from a man in an ivereigh tower? Here are a few rules.

1. Get yourself a title, like "Pope Fred the Humble", or "Pope Fred the Merciful". DO NOT get a title such as "Pope Fred the Heretic" or "Pope Fred the Bad-tempered".

2. Produce a string of immortal documents with titles like "Amorous Letitia" and "Trads Crushed" or even "Fiddling the Supplies" (an homage to Cardinal Becciu). You will at least be remembered.

3. Encourage a gollum-like creature to write numerous hagiographies while you are still alive. "Pope Fred the Great Redeemer". "The Lonely Goatherd", etc. He is bound to continue writing his stuff even after you die, with titles like "St Pope Fred's message to the world", "My life with St Pope Fred", and so on.

A good try, but you're not an angel, and you don't sniff volatile solvents.

4. Surround yourself with interesting people - R*pn*k, Z*nch*tta, P*r*lin, Fern*nd*z, R*che... so that you look good in comparison.

5. Appoint lots of bizarre people as cardinals, so that your "legacy" is assured when the next conclave is held. Good places to find these are prisons, mental homes, and Jesuit communities.

6. Organize synods - these keep the trouble-makers off your back, and if you give one a vague title like "Synod on synodismatic synodality" nobody will realise that it is a waste of time until it has been going for three years.

7. Show that you are a pope: not for the Catholic Church - anyone can do that - but for the whole world!

A pope for the whole world!

Follow this advice, and your halo is assured!

Predict the Pope!

Another rather rushed World Cup to predict whom the cardinals will choose at the conclave starting on May 7th. Rather than listing all eligible people (1.5 billion Catholics) I have gone for the 12 who have been named in most lists of papabile cardinals. These are:

Besungu
Bo
Eijk
Erdő
Parolin
Pizzaballa
Prevost
Ranjith
Sarah
Tagle
Turkson
Zuppi

Meanwhile, Cardinal Parolin already knows who will be chosen. Here he is wearing Pope Francis's mitre at the Youth Sunday Mass in St Peter's Square.

"Just call me Francis II"

---

SEMIFINALS

Pizzaballa 76.3 v Eijk 23.7

Sarah 42.2 v Erdő 57.8

FINAL

Pizzaballa 58.9 v Erdő 41.1

Pierbattista Pizzaballa gets the job. Good luck - you'll need it!

ADDENDUM: Well, in fact it was Robert Prevost.

"Name that Pope" World Cup

There has been too much speculation over who will be the next man in the hot seat - from seven lists that I have seen, the most-nominated people are:

Erdő, Parolin 6,
Tagle 5,
Turkson, Zuppi 4,
Besungu, Bo, Eijk, Pizzaballa, Prevost, Sarah 3,

so it probably won't be any of those.

Time for another Pope Linus?

Instead, we're holding a World Cup to see whether we can guess the name that the next Pope will take. The obvious choice is Eccles, but in fact the 24 nominees are:

Adrian
Alexander
Benedict
Boniface
Clement
Eugene
Felix
Francis
Gregory
Innocent
John
John-Paul
Julius
Leo
Martin
Nicholas
Paul
Peter
Pius
Sergius
Sixtus
Stephen
Theodore
Urban

and if we are quick we can get a decision in time for the white smoke.

Some people will never be happy.

---

SEMIFINALS

John 48.9 v Leo 51.1

Clement 40.4 v Gregory 59.6

FINAL

Leo 50.0 v Gregory 50.0

A dead heat. Let's leave it as that. The next pope is going to be Leo XIV or Gregory XVII (unless he's not very good at Roman numerals).

ADDENDUM: Well, those who said Leo XIV got it right!

Supreme Court decides what 2+2 makes

The UK Supreme Court has finally ruled on one of the most controversial issues of our time, and its decision is that 2+2 equals 4, and not 3, 5, 6, π, or any other number.

Justice at last!

To many people this has been blindingly obvious for years, but "transfer" activists have long campaigned for other numbers to be allowed - indeed the most extreme mathematicians claim that places normally reserved for "4" could also be occupied by "5". (A related group is the "sex maniacs" who, basing their arguments on Latin, suggest that all pairings end in SEX.)

Of course, not everyone is happy, least of all Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ.

Spadaro is part of the "transfer" movement.

Naturally, the decision that 2+2=4 will have effects throughout the country. Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to redo her financial calculations, which were already regarded by many as suspect. The Equation Act already gives protection to the number 4, and "trans numbers" such as 5 will now be excluded from 4-only sports such as polo and bridge.

Another person unhappy with the ruling is Jolyon Forsyte KC, said to be the only barrister to have practised in a kimono while wielding a baseball bat (see Maugham v Fox, 2019). He is already raising money for a legal challenge via throwitdownthedrain.org. Thanks to the wonders of arithmetic, a donation of £2000 followed by another donation of £2000 (anything less is small change for a lawyer) will add £5000 to the fighting fund. Possibly.

Tributes flood in for Ted McCarrick

So farewell then, Theodore "Ted" McCarrick, now gone to that great beach house in the sky (other destinations are possible). Naturally we have been overwhelmed with tributes to the great man.

A great loss to the rice industry.

DONALD WUERL

When I became Archbishop of Washington in 2006, there was talk of the great spiritual leader who had preceded me, but I'm afraid that I never met him, and certainly never worked with him. I wonder what became of him?

This picture is probably a forgery.

MARKO RUPNIK

Uncle Ted was a man after my own heart, although his taste was for boys and seminarians, rather than nuns. But let's be broad-minded! He's a great loss to the sexual abuse community.

"Uncle Ted" by Marko Rupnik.

KEVIN FARRELL

Now that he's dead people are telling all sorts of tales about Uncle Ted, but I can assure you that in all the time that I shared an apartment building with him there was never any hint of misconduct. All I remember was that the central heating made odd screaming sounds in the night, and Uncle Ted would shout "QUIET" at it, but I assumed that he was merely attempting to perform a miracle.

POPE FRANCIS

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I knew nothing."

Who?

Narnia poll

There is apparently a Narnia movie forthcoming on Netflix, produced by Greta Gerwig, which will star the actress Meryl Streep in the role of Aslan.

Obviously female.

A modest rewriting of the Wikipedia article on The Last Battle gives us this:

In the western regions of Narnia, the clever and greedy ape Gerwig persuades the naive donkey Streep to wear a lion's skin, and introduces her to the other Narnians as the Great Lion Aslan.

To celebrate this inspired casting, a mini Twitter poll will be held to decide on the people's favourite of the seven Narnia books.

Actually, a much more controversial poll would be to decide on the proper order in which to read C.S. Lewis's work. Do we put The Magician's Nephew first? Or last? Or penultimate? I'm not getting into that dispute.

---

RESULTS AS THEY COME IN.

SEMI-FINALS

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 42.3 v The Last Battle 57.7

Prince Caspian 11.0 v The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe 89.0

FINAL

The Last Battle 21.3 v The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe 78.7

So the first book was the best, and the last book the second best!

Muslim synod announced

Following the striking success of the Catholic Synod on Synodal Synodality, our Islamic brothers have announced a Muslim Synod on Synodalised Synodding, which is to be seen as a follow-up from the "Mecca II" Council of the 1960s.

The strangely-familiar synod logo.

We spoke to Mike Al-Potato of the "Where Ali is" blog. "Of course, the Ayatollah Farhan-Zees is always right, and his Synod should bring the Islamic churches kicking and screaming into the 11th century," he said. "By the way, everyone who disagrees with me deserves to be stoned."

Sister Nat-Ali Burqua, one of the proposed "synodal mothers", is delighted with this opportunity to change Islamic teaching. "Should men really receive 72 virgins in Paradise?" she asked. "Cannot they make do with, say, 24? Also, what's in it for us women?"

Sister Nat-Ali.

One of the synodal experts is Ustan I-Verei, Professor of Canon Law at the Islamic University of Bradford, and regular contributor to the Taliban magazine. However, as usual, he had nothing interesting to say, so we'll move quickly on.

The Mecca II prayer-mat used by Ustan I-Verei.

Another topic up for discussion at the synod is the Islamic prohibition on alcohol and pork. Given that the synodal dinners are to be supplied by the "Saracen's Head" public house ("Beer and sausages our speciality") we may expect some changes in this respect.

Possibly a bit tactless.

The five environmental mysteries of the Rosary

Today there is, apparently, Earth Hour, or St Mother Earth's Hour, to give it the official title. Not to be confused with Earth Day (April 22nd), and - no doubt - Earth History Month, Earth Awareness Week, etc. etc. for those who are really into environmentalism. Accordingly, the Vatican will turn off lights on St Peter's Basilica tonight. Let's hope they don't accidentally turn off the light on Pope Francis's medical support system, as well.

It has also been decided to add a new set of mysteries to the Rosary (well, if Pope John Paul II could do it, why can't Francis?) As usual it will consist of five mysteries, and they are as follows:

Calming the climate change storm.

In the first century, climate change was a big concern of the Roman Empire, and whenever the weather was unusually wet, dry, hot, cold, windy or calm, they knew that fossil fuels were to blame.

Feeding the 5000 on lab-grown burgers.

Locusts and wild honey were a popular Biblical food, introduced by St John the Billgates, but sometimes people wanted more than this. Turning down an environmentally dangerous offer of loaves and fishes, Our Lord came up with a better alternative, produced in His father Joseph's laboratory.

Replacing the barren fig tree with a solar panel.

When Jesus encountered a useless fig tree, which was producing no energy, He cursed it and replaced it with a solar panel, as the best way to Save the Planet. This is why Protestants often use the term "Solar Scripture".

Saying "just stop" when anointed with oil.

"Just stop oil" is probably one of the best-known Biblical commandments, and its origin is the anointing (John 12) when Mary of Bethany made an environmental blunder by using precious spikenard. Naturally, she was stopped in her tracks, and the oil was instead given to a third-world country, where it could be used without harming the environment.

Riding a donkey fed on methane-reducing Bovaer.

The true message of Palm Sunday is often overlooked. It was not simply that a King entered, riding on a donkey, as predicted in Zechariah 9: it was the fact that the crowd were shouting "Hosanna, blessed is he that cometh in the name of Mother Earth."

Usually five mysteries are considered to be enough. Pope Francis did not want to be so rigid, and he was proposing an extra mystery (any suggestions?) However, the fact that if he did so then Catholics would have to buy rosaries with extra beads dissuaded him. After all, nobody wants to be beaten up by angry nuns!

Choose your seat!

I think this is self-explanatory.

Click to enlarge.

New synodal treatment for Pope Francis

Catholics are becoming tired of seeing bulletins about Pope Francis's health that say:

He's a Pontifex and he's OK. He sleeps all night and he works all day,

and have become more impatient to see Pope Francis leap from his sick bed, create newer and weirder cardinals, write new motu proprios about climate change, and generally do popish things. Accordingly, it has been announced that from now on the Holy Father's medical treatment will be Synodal. No more "magisterial" doctrines doctors, just unqualified activists sitting round tables discussing his medication.

Two aspirins or a heart transplant? You decide!

Said Dr Austen Ivereigh, a well-known expert in synodality, "The patient should naturally be one of the main athletes and standard-bearers of synodality, and it seems to me that the best cure for his illness is a kenotic de-centering followed by enlarging the space of his tent."

He went on to say how much he hated "traddy" doctors. He wasn't exactly sure what a traditional rigid doctor did, but he believed that his remedies involved leeches, powdered animal bones, and trepanning. "You don't expect me to attend a traditional surgery to find out, do you?"

Two doctors discuss possible treatments.

The Pope's proposed regime will include a daily dose of Amorislaetitia elixir, some Pachamama injections, and as many Traditioniscustodes tablets as he needs. That way there is little prospect of his becoming rigid, or even turning into a Christian bat preferring the shadows to the light.

ADDENDUM:

The treatment is working! Within a few hours of my writing the above, we see that Pope Francis is on the mend!

---

AND NOW IN OTHER NEWS:

"He hates Trump and Vance, so he must be good."

Meanwhile, the entire Catholic world is delighted that Cardinal Robert McElroy has been installed as Archbishop of Washington. He comes from a long line of distinguished archbishops, including Wilton Gregory, Donald Wuerl, and - best of all - Theodore McCarrick. Between them, they have made Washington the sex abuse capital of Catholic America - whether by participating (Ted), covering up (Don), ignoring (Wilt), and - well Bob assures me that he has never met Uncle Ted, so his hands are clean so far.

"He said he'd never met McCarrick!"

Could Bob be the next pope?

An exclusive interview with Cardinal Roche

A slightly edited version of the Catholic Herald piece.

"Three plates of tiramisu will be enough, thanks. After all, it is Lent!"

Cardinal Roche is one of four English cardinals currently serving, and has just turned 75. Following the elevation of Timothy Radcliffe, his title of England's Worst Cardinal is now in danger.

CH: Your Eminence...

AR: Just call me "Holy Father" - after all, you'll be doing that in a few weeks, anyway!

CH: Holy Father, then. This year marks the golden jubilee of your ordination. Could you tell us about some of the wonderful things you've done over the last 50 years?

AR: Well, we 'ad it tough in Yorkshire, you know. No plates of tiramisu then - it were black puddings and chip butties for dinner, if we were lucky. If not, it were lumps of coal and wood shavings. But even when I were a few months old, I knew that I were going to end up as pope.

A young Arthur Roche discerns his vocation.

CH: So you gave up ice skating (© Damian Thompson) and became a priest?

AR: Yes, I were sent to the English College at Valladolid. I had no idea where it were, I thought it were somewhere near Barnsley, but it turned out to be in Spain, where they talk funny. Anyway, after I had learned everything there is to learn about being holy, I ended up in Leeds, where they put me in charge of organizing Pope John-Paul II's visit to York. Telling the pope and cardinals what they must do - well that were good practice for later life.

CH: And you ended up as Bishop of Leeds?

"Yes, my policy of closing down churches were very popular."

CH: And then Benedict XVI asked you to become secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome - and when Cardinal Sarah turned 75 you got his job?

"Aye, I were always very loyal to Cardinal Sarah."

CH: What advice would you give to those who want to remain faithful members of the Church and love the Latin Mass but find themselves restricted in attending?

AR: There is nothing wrong with attending the Mass celebrated with the 1962 missal.

CH interviewer falls on the floor in astonishment. Bravely carries on...

CH: But you have been trying to suppress it! (Note: the CH didn't actually point this out.)

AR: Ah, but that was before the Pope were taken ill. Of course we all want him to get better - after all I led the Rosary prayers in St Peter's Square on March 4th, and people said that my Italian was the best by a Yorkshireman since Geoffrey Boycott led a Rosary for England during the Headingley Test Match.

Eee, this Rosary's all a mystery to me, lads!

But the St Wilfrid Mafia told me that if I wanted to guarantee becoming the next pope I needed to change tack quickly. Otherwise we might end up with Parolin, Tagle, or some other unspeakable person (er, could you delete these remarks from the final transcript? Thanks!)

CH: Anyway, you have always liked the Latin Mass?

AR: Well, if they only knew that most days I order my tiramisu in Latin because it is the common language for all of us here! Which reminds me, perhaps another plate would be good after all - I'm feeling a little peckish now!

Anyway, I promise you, the TLM is safe with me! Except where it isn't, of course.

How to be the Supreme Governor of a Church

Every so often someone comes up to me and says, "Eccles, my mother has just died, and apparently I am now Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Can you give me any advice?"

I am used to giving advice to major religious leaders - for example, see some of the "How to be a Good Pope" articles linked here, which have made Pope Francis the man he is today. So of course I am happy to oblige.

Well, the Church of England was founded by King Henry VIII, basically because he wasn't too pleased by the Catholic Church's "Till death us do part" attitude to marriage. Henry loved marriage, but only four of his six marriages were ended by death (two beheadings and two natural deaths, in fact, the last one being his own). Now, if you wish to be SG of the C of E you need to model yourself on this saintly character, perhaps by taking as your own wife the lady Camomile, whose husband is still alive.

Now, why are the royal couple defending the faith by packing dates? Read on...

O.K., that's sorted. Now, you may want to make sure that you believe all the official C of E teaching, and share it with your subjects. Luckily there isn't much: nobody (least of all the bishops) can agree on same-sex marriage, women priests, divorce, the existence of God, etc. etc. So we can skip that step.

Your current Prime Minister, although himself an atheist, is VERY FOND of Islam. He'd better be, or else all the Muslims in the country will vote for someone else: probably Liberal Democrats but maybe some sort of Allahu Akbar Party which may cut into your hopes of staying in office. So how can you reflect this in your own activities?

A message from the Defender of the Faith.

Simple: Ramadan is approaching, a time of repentance and sacrifice in which we remember Mohammed's temptations in the wilderness. Devout Muslims fast all day (not even an Allahu Snackbar is allowed) and then they fill up on yummy dates and sheeps' eyes with a big blow-out after dark. So, just like Lent for Christians, wouldn't you say?

So forget Lent, just celebrate Ramadan. Attend an Iftar (Arab word for "binge") and keep telling everyone how wonderful Islam is. We'll be coming soon to Eid (as in "Beware the Eids of March"), which is the Islamic version of Holy Week when we remember the prophet's death upon the cross crescent. And then the Resurrection - oh, he didn't manage that one, did he? Well, never mind.

Phew! There was time for more Christian activity, after all.

Your Majesty, you can thank me by making me Sir Eccles, Knight of the Garter.