This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 12 August 2020

Bi-elzebub appoints Ka-Moloch as his running mate

As the battle of Armageddon draws closer, the demon candidate Joe Bi-elzebub has finally nominated Ka-Moloch as his running-mate. He had a rich field to choose from, although he had already stipulated that the successful candidate should be female, black-hearted and infinitely evil. Would it be Elizabeth Apollyon, Susan Baal, or even the joke candidate, Alexandria Occasional-Serpent?


"Small lives don't matter" Ka-Moloch, with her lunch.

In the end, it is Ka-Moloch who gets the job, possibly because she agrees with Joe Bi-elzebub on the main Catholic issues: they are both great fans of the family organization Planned Dismemberment, and they both believe that marriage can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or - for the real eccentrics - a man and a woman.

Thomas Tobin tweet

POW! The bishop tells it as it is.

The battle of Armageddon is expected to be a close-run thing. St Maga and his angels have some faults too (saints are allowed to) - although for them the trend is probably heavenward rather than in the opposite direction - and so many pious Catholics (St James the LGBTSJ, St Massimo the Bean, and St Colbert the Jokeless) are still backing Joe.


I promised not to comment on Camela's Botox injections.

Anyway, now that Joe has got his sidekick sorted out, his only problem is to get elected before his wits fade away entirely put forward a positive Catholic agenda for Armageddon, containing lots of imaginative plans for the slaughter of innocents. Should be fun!

Author's note: If Joe was simply a psychopathic baby-killer, I wouldn't mind, but being a Catholic psychopathic baby-killer is too much.

Sunday, 9 August 2020

The Dark Lord Bauron calls a meeting

So it came to pass that the Dark Lord (Bishop) Bauron called a secret conference of his allies: there came unto his online DOOM meeting a host of wizards, witches, orcs, trolls, balrogs, wargs, giant spiders, Jesuits, and many others.

Bishop Barron on fire

Mordor on Fire!

And Bauron addressed his troops as follows:

"Friends, before we start may I just mention that I have a new book out, the Sellamillion, which you will all want to recommend to your flocks? If you have a book tolkien to spend, then you cannot do better.

Now, we are here today to declare war on the forces of tradition, led by my arch-enemy Radtradagast the Grey, Marshal of the tailors.

For too long have the Rad Trads criticised our ways, and refused to serve in my Mordor on Fire Empire. They shout out incantations in the old language of Latin, refusing to worship in Orcish, as agreed by the 2nd Council of the Vat Orthanc. They preach ancient doctrines, such as the existence of Hell, and they believe in the literal truth of scripture. They insult my good servant Father James Sarumartin the rainbow-coloured, builder of the Bridge of Elbigat and author of much fine new teaching.



Worse of all, they report on all are we are doing, with tabloid-style journalism, using the book of faces, the elvish twitters, the tubes of You, and the great web of the world."

"What shall we do, Master?" asked a young orc, with more courage than wisdom.

Vapourising the unhappy creature instantly for its impertinence, Bauron spake out in a voice of Doom: "FRIENDS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY ABOUT IT. But if Cardinal Gollan turns up, ask him to give me a ring, would you?"

Friday, 31 July 2020

How not to break the Ten Commandments in church

Following the well-deserved triumph of "IDOLS" in the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, perhaps because their use is so obviously a breach of the First Commandment, it seems only right to see which other commandments you (or your priest/bishop/cardinal/pope) may break during a standard service.


This one needs no introduction.


Yes, we've just done that one. They don't come much stranger than Pachamama, even if Austen Ivereigh told us that she should be identified with the Blessed Virgin Mary.


I don't think I've ever heard priests swear in church. One of the tests they make seminarians go through is to drop a heavy weight on their feet and see what swear words they come out with. If it's the F-word or the J-word (the name of our Lord), they're out and can only become Jesuits. If it's a more restrained "Thump! Blinking Heck!" then they are allowed to graduate. You will NEVER hear a bishop say worse than "Chase my Aunt Fanny up a gum tree!" even if someone puts tin tacks on his Cathedra. Try it and see whether I'm right.

brass tacks

Getting down to brass tacks, bishop?


Well, round here they have suspended the Day of Obligation aspect to Sundays. Indeed, as part of social distancing or whatever, we are encouraged to go to Mass on a different day if possible ("keep Tuesday holy"). So now there is not the smallest sense of obligation about Sundays - you can if you wish watch a livestreamed Mass, or (for light relief) one of Bishop Barron's videos; but you don't need to.


It's fairly easy to keep this one in Mass, except for the occasional "Shut up, Gran!" when the old dear is talking during the homily. Or you may prefer "Speak up, Gran!" if it's Deacon M. preaching.


Human sacrifices are not normally part of Mass, even in the Amazon. However, we have not yet seen Cardinal Marx's full plans for the German church.


Well, since Amoris Laetitia, this commandment has more-or-less been abolished. Still, adulterous unions are not an intrinsic part of the liturgy. You might count a general condemnation of immorality here, so banners celebrating LGBT relationships, polygamy, or three-in-a-vat-of-custard nude wrestling are also out.

Custard pride flag

Fly this flag or you will be guilty of Custardophobia!


As Cardinals Becciu, Versaldi and Maradiaga are at pains to point out, they just borrowed the collection bags and took them home for safe keeping.


This really depends on the sort of Mass you go to. In a Novus Ordo Mass everyone is silently praying before the service. The Extraordinary Form people are gossiping away like nobody's business - in Latin of course.


I think there's a footnote in Amoris Laetitia saying that this is now allowed (after accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps an evening out in an expensive restaurant). Still, it's really more trouble than it's worth.


Originally this included male or female servants, oxen or donkeys, or anything that belonged to your neighbour. This is why most people do not bring their servants or animals to Mass, to avoid giving temptation to others who might covet them. Likewise, if someone sits down next to you and puts an ox or donkey within coveting range, then we advise you to go and sit somewhere else.

Palm Sunday donkey

Avoid Palm Sunday processions if you are a donkey-coveter.

Tuesday, 28 July 2020

AOC is the future of the Catholic Church

In a brilliant piece of writing, it has been revealed that Alexandria Occasional-Cortex (the woman with the part-time brain), alias AOC, is the future of the Catholic Church. Many readers (my aunt and my cat) have asked me to explain this in more detail for those who find the original article by Comrade Heidi Schlumpf too difficult to digest.

Comrade AOC, or "Big Sister" as she wishes to be known.

With the backing of Pope Francis, whose political views are very similar, and his likely successor Cardinal Cupich, AOC proposes to reform the Catholic Church in her own image.

Out goes the Pontifical Academy for Life, which was never very active anyway, and in comes the Pontifical Academy for Death, confirming once and for all that pro-life issues are no longer worth taking seriously. After all, as Fr James Martin LGBTSJ believes, you cannot be pro-life if you don't believe in gay marriage; or as St Greta of Thunderbird puts it, how DARE you try and save people's lives when the world is literally burning away into ashes. (How many polar bears have YOU seen today? Well, that proves it.) That great statesman and pious Catholic, Joe Biden, backs the Pontifical Academy for Death all the way.

Your new-look Vatican (St Lubyanka's Square)

So it's time to remodel the Vatican on socialist principles. The CDF will be closed down and replaced by the KGB (the Kongregation for Good Belief), which will punish all those who criticise our supreme leader Francis or the blessed Alexandria. Cells are already being built for Viganò, Schneider, Burke, Brandmüller, Zen, Sarah, Festing, and other dissidents, and these people will not be released until they have undergone a sacrament known as Cerebellum Mundabitur (washing of the brain); they will then sign a letter saying that they love Big Brother (the new more comradely title for the Holy Father).

Just what I've always wanted!

All churches will be closed down, and our subsidiary organization, BLM-Antifa-Extinction, or Soros-Gates Enterprises for short, will be responsible for setting fire to them. Catholic worship will be conducted by means of a two-way telescreen in every Catholic's house, which will check that all Catholic worship is compliant with socialist doctrine.

Every day the liturgy will include a two-minute hate, although the object of the hatred will change daily. Some times it will be the hated Trump, but it may also be the hated far-right Johnson, the hated Orbán, the hated Salvini, or whoever else our chief theological adviser (Comrade Massimo Faggioli) deems suitable for attack.

Finally, the Catholic Church's major shareholder, the Chinese People's Catholic Church, will be contributing ideas for the best way to control rebel Catholics - locking them in a dungeon and feeding them on bat soup is just one new idea that is being explored.

Comrade Schlumpf is right: the future of the Catholic Church is definitely Occasional-Cortex!

Monday, 20 July 2020

Receiving in the hand or on the tongue?

And there came unto the prophet Eccles a holy priest who asked the following question:

Longenecker asks a question

A real toughie!

So Eccles consulted a few friends, each of whom received Communion in a different way, and this is what they said:

Fay Risee, receiver in the hand.

I thank God that I am not like that wretched publican over there, who is kneeling down and hoping to receive on the tongue. My bishop really hates anything that smacks of "traditionalism", "believing in the Real Presence", "reverence", etc., and he has given instructions to all his priests that if they attempt to offer the sacrament on the tongue, they will be cast into the outer darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Or perhaps the SSPX. Who cares whether it is safer to receive on the tongue or in the hand? My bishop is the only God I believe in!

"Nervous" Odo, worshipper at St Daryl the Apostate's.

In ordinary times, Fr Phil would consecrate bread that he had bought from Tesco's on the way to Mass. Sometimes he couldn't get bread and used Eccles cakes! No way could they be delivered on the tongue. But now for safety reasons, we have individually packaged hosts in little envelopes, which we can take home and consume at our leisure. Or give them to friends!

self service Communion

Self service!

Telly Addict, watcher of livestream masses.

For me it is not an issue, as I no longer attend Church, but watch all my masses by livestream. Unless there is something better on. That Ed Stewpot with his semi-religious BBC show "Sunday" is very good, isn't he? Last week he had the Dalai Lama, George Soros, and the Chief Satanist all commenting on climate change. Anyway, when I do listen the priest encourages us to make a "spiritual communion" instead. Of course, I don't always manage to do this - last time, the man from Amazon rang the doorbell, delivering my copy of the best-selling Bumper Book of Bishop Barron Burbles - but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

Ivereigh lays down the law

Chairman Ivereigh has spoken.

Sunday, 12 July 2020

Hagia Sophia to become an Anglican cathedral

Seeing that his decision to turn the once-Christian Hagia Sophia into a mosque has been condemned worldwide, President Erdoğan of Turkey has agreed to compromise by turning the building into an Anglican church.

His first inclination was to make it a temple of Pachamama, but in the end this was considered too "Catholic" so Anglicanism was the solution, as it does not presuppose any particular belief system.

Norwich cathedral

Your new-look Hagia Sophia.

"This should improve the Turkish tourist industry no end," explained the good man. "Both Christians and Muslims love helter-skelters, crazy golf, and artists' installations. The spiritually nourishing sight of an imam shouting 'Wheee!' as he slides down the helter-skelter will do a lot for ecumenism."

Historically, the Hagia Sophia was built as a Christian cathedral, but in 1453 Mehmed the Conqueror, tired of seeing idols of Pachamama, artists' installations (this is what artists make when they can't do art), and tango-ing priests, had it turned into a mosque, and everything went quiet for a few hundred years. Later it became a museum. However, a glorious future now dawns.

Winchester cathedral

"We're hanging up our washing on the Sophia line!"

However, some critics have said that this is simply a case of Turkey voting for Christmas. We shall see.

Wednesday, 8 July 2020

The next Pope

The Rome correspondent Edward Pentin has written a book detailing some possible successors of Pope Francis in the Chair of St Peter. Not that Pope F is likely to quit soon, since he still has a huge pile of Dubia to answer - the latest one from Cardinal Zen asks bluntly "Are you mad or bad?" (a difficult question to answer). Also, the Pope's health is excellent - he works out every day in the martial art of Pappaslappa - so it is likely that he will live to be 100.

Rather than go for a "runners and riders" approach, let's detail some of the qualities that the next Pope must have, and see where that takes us.

Tagle and Francis dancing

Getting down wiv da yoof.

The Church needs more young people, and the way to bring them in is to forget dusty old notions such as God, but instead appeal to their interests, namely sex, drugs, dancing and listening to rock music. A Pope who can tell his Elvis Lennon from his John Presley is what we really need!


Someone forceful.

Nobody wants to think that their Holy Father is being manipulated by sinister forces, so is it not better to put the sinister forces in charge? That way we know where we are.

Cardinal Marx

Someone who can make changes.

The German Church, imbued by the Spirit of Vatican III, not to mention Vatican IV, is showing us the way in dogmatic changes, and so a senior German cardinal, filled with the spirit of sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat and bier, would make an excellent leader for the Church as it heads for the cliff edge.

Vincent Nichols

Is it time for a do-nothing Pope?

After all the excitement of Pope Francis's reign, maybe the Church needs a period of consolidation, with a Pope who has nothing to say, and nothing to do. Modern technology means that the next Pope may just be a cardboard cutout, programmed to give the occasional blessing. And who can say no to that?


A financial wizard?

The Vatican finances are rather dodgy at present, so perhaps it is time to forget evangelisation, saving souls, and sound doctrine. Instead we need to concentrate on building up a huge bank balance, and so it is time to appoint someone who knows all about amassing the stuff in sackfuls.


A safe pair of hands.

The Catholic Church should always be looking to the past, and perhaps it is time to elect someone who, although 87 already, can be relied upon to preach all the values of the swinging 60s, when the Church was reborn. It doesn't matter too much if the new Pope is barking mad, provided that he is there as a figurehead reminding us of our glorious past.


Cupich, Farrell, Tobin

Why not elect three Popes at once?

Thursday, 2 July 2020

Sir Michael versus St Michael

Sir Michael Palin, by and large a very funny comedian and all round nice guy (yes, I've even met him), has objected to the medal that goes with the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, as he finds it offensive to see St Michael stamping on the head of Satan. (The medal was redesigned a few years ago to make Satan white rather than black, because everyone knows that Jesus is black but Satan is white. Ask Justin Welby.)

The earlier form of the medal.

"It would be much nicer to see St Michael shaking hands with Satan, perhaps even offering him a cup of tea," explained the great man. "As a veteran of Monty Python, Ripping Yarns, etc., I have made it my lifetime's work not to offend people. Rudeness, blasphemy, naughtiness - they were always right out!"

Life of Brian crucifixion

A tasteful inoffensive scene from The Life of Brian.

"As a celebrity, it is my duty these days to stand up for religion," continued St Sir Michael. "Now that Christianity has more-or-less disappeared - at least in the circles I mix in - we have to remember the great Commandment that Black Lives Matter and White Lives don't. In point of fact, I don't wear my medal in public, only in the bath, and no one ever sees it. But if they did see it... well, nobody expects the BLMish Inquisition!"

Ripping Yarns

As seen in Sir Michael's Ripping Yarns, and not likely to offend anyone.

We tried to contact St Michael about his scandalous habit of stamping on the head of the Devil, but we were unsuccessful (as Piers Morgan put it, "Just because he's an Archangel, he thinks he's too grand to come on my rotten television programme"). Likewise, our attempts to contact Pope Francis in order to get the saint de-canonized were unsuccessful - apparently he has a backlog of rigid traddy saints that he has to sack first. Too bad.

St Michael

Enough of this filth!

Monday, 29 June 2020

Get your black market tickets for Mass!

In England and Wales, we can all go to Mass again on Sunday 5th July, BUT we are limited by social distancing to about 1/6 of our normal attendance. Some churches will ask you to book in advance to get a ticket, and you may have missed out.

Del Boy

£100 squire, or you'll have to watch Fr Phil on television!

However, as a service to worshippers, we are offering black market tickets to those who couldn't get them. Since the alternative is to queue for standing tickets, starting at 4 a.m., you know it makes sense to support Eccles Ticket Touts Eccles Worship Services.

  • £100 buys you a good seat in St Daryl the Apostate's, or £50 if you'll settle for a seat behind a pillar. Specially sterilized cushion included.
  • For £200 we lend you some vestments and you can sit in the chancel.
  • For £500 we lend you a mitre and crozier and you can sit on the bishop's throne in our local cathedral!

woman bad vestments

Only £200, and I get to preach the homily as well!

We are negotiating with the Vatican for the loan of white papal robes, so that you can have the best seat of all, with the option of doing your own sermon. Warning: this will need to be vetted by us beforehand, to make sure that only insults, ambiguous statements, and incomprehensible remarks are used. We don't want to make it too obvious that there is a cuckoo in the chair of St Peter!

Sunday, 28 June 2020

The eight worst liturgical abuses

On to the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, decided by votes on Twitter polls. Follow the hashtag #WCLA and ignore the Western Cape Liquor Authority and the Walled City of Lahore Authority, who used it by mistake.

communion in the glove

This page will be gradually updated as we go through the quarters (starting June 29th), semis (July 9th), and onto the final.

Quarter-final 1: Communion in the hand v Rainbow flags. RESULT: 52.2 v 47.8.

Quarter-final 2: Non-Biblical readings v Idols. RESULT: 19.9 v 80.1.


Quarter-final 3: Consecrating ordinary bread v Clowns. RESULT: 54.2 v 45.8.

Quarter-final 4: Blessings from Extraordinary Ministers v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 39.5 v 60.5.

extraordinary ministers

Semi-final 1: Communion in the hand v Idols. RESULT: 29.7 v 70.3.

Semi-final 2: Consecrating ordinary bread v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 34.8 v 65.2.

Third place playoff: Communion in the hand v Consecrating ordinary bread. RESULT: 52.3 v 47.7.

FINAL: Idols v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 77.7 v 22.3.

I therefore declare IDOLS the winner!

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.
  • All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
  • Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
  • No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
  • No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
  • Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Space 1999

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.

Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

Thomas Becket

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.

Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bishop Barron

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

Monday, 22 June 2020

The Great Escape

The thrilling story of how Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI escaped from prison in Regensburg and made his way back to Rome.

We all thought that he was taking a trip to see his sick brother, but the true story was apparently far more sinister.

Bruvver Bungalow sets the scene for us.

Bugnolo drivel

Trouble for Benedict...

Next, Marshall Taylor sees a photo of Benedict and asks a friend of his, a qualified boxer, to give a diagnosis of the old man's health. Popeye Brutus, from his great experience of 93-year-old boxers, decides that Benedict has been punched on the hooter.

Taylor Marshall drivel

Could there be another explanation why Benedict looks about 90?

We knew that Francis was angry with Benedict - mostly jealousy because Benedict had read some books without pictures in, won the 2019 award for "best behaved Pope", and knew the entire catechism of the Catholic Church off by heart in six languages. Now was Francis's chance to remove him from the game.

Things were looking black for our hero, imprisoned in Stalag-Kasper-Marx 3, the notorious prisoner of war camp, where the most dangerous enemies of the Pope often end up. Surely that's Henry Sire making a glider? And Matthew Festing seems to be revving up a motorbike...

wooden horse

Four rigid Catholics help Benedict to escape.

The escape committee consisted of Viganò, Burke, and Schneider, together with the two Ratzinger brothers and their faithful sergeant, Georg Gänswein. The plan was simple: Georg would vault over a wooden horse, while Viganò, Burke, and Schneider sat underneath digging a tunnel. The Ratzinger brothers distracted the guards.

After that, Benedict escaped to Rome, using a forged passport in the name of Von Ekkles, disguising himself as a vacuum-cleaner salesman from Ulm.


"Having a lovely time. Glad you're not here. A card sent to the Vatican.

Soon to be another major film starring Anthony Hopkins as Benedict, Jonathan Pryce as Francis, and Brad Pitt as Archbishop Gänswein.

Saturday, 20 June 2020

The Book of Covidicus - Chapter 5 - No BALM in Gilead

Continued from Chapter 4.

1. Now there was dwelling in the land of Bri-tain a man named Dominus Vobis Cummings, who was an adviser to Bo-sis.

2. And the wife of Dominus fell sick of the plague, and knew not what to do.

3. So Dominus took his wife and child, and they rode to the northern land of Durham, where dwelt the parents of Dominus.

4. And later, when they were healed, they went to the mighty castle of Barnard to test whether the eyesight of Dominus was good enough for them to ride home.

5. And to his great joy Dominus could see the castle of Barnard; so he returned home.

If thou canst see a castle, then thou art healed.

6. And many people were exceedingly wrathful, for they said, "Surely, Dominus and his wife should have cast their child into the street, then lain down in their house to die? Is that not the advice that Bo-sis hath given unto us?"

7. And for forty days and forty nights their anger did not abate, for it was nurtured by the dwellers on the Beebee sea, the sky, the fourth channel, and elsewhere.

8. Then even the bishops called on Dominus to repent, but he heeded them not.

9. So for seven days the priests of the Beebee Sea marched round the walls of his dwelling, sounding seven trumpets.

10. And with all the people making a shout, and the trumpets sounding, the voice and the sound thundered in the ears of the multitude, yet the walls did not fall down.


Outside the walls of Dominus.

11. But then came an event in a distant land which made all that heard of it forget the plague and the possible sins of Dominus.

12. For there was a man called Floyd, a notorious bandit, who had been slain while being held for his crimes.

13. He was black but comely, and the Antifites were exceeding wrathful, yeah, even in the land of Bri-tain.

14. For they said, "Was there no balm in Gilead, was there no physician there?" and so they called themselves BALM.

Austen Ivereigh rubbish

The prophet Iver-iah foretelleth a balming campaign.

15. The men of BALM spake out, saying, "Let us destroy the altars, and break the statues, and cut down the groves, and burn the graven things."

16. Thus they waged war on the statues of notorious slave-owners, such as Winston of the Hill of the Church, Venus of Milo, Pachamama, and Ozymandias, king of kings.

Eric Morecambe

Possibly a notorious slave-owner.

17. And the warriors of BALM said, "We may not strike the officers of the guard, since we cannot do this while remaining distant by four cubits."

18. "Accordingly, we shall throw missiles at them, and thus no man can say we broke the law of the land."

19. Thus they continued to wage war on the statues, the monuments, and indeed the people.

Don Giovanni

A statue fighteth back.

To be continued.

Sunday, 14 June 2020

Zanchetta back in favour, with McCarrick to follow

Great new for fans of Bishop Gustavo Zanchetta, the bishop suspended last year after reports that he had sexually abused seminarians and had homosexual pornography on his phone! Gussie, we all love you again (although for most of us not in the "Biblical" sense)!

Pope and Zanchetta

Welcome back, Gussie!

A committee of Vatican cardinals has looked at the images on his phone, and sees no problem with them. In fact, the cardinals are still looking at them. Indeed, most of them have downloaded copies, so that they can study them in the privacy of their own home. So, fear not, these images are being very carefully scrutinised.

In Argentina, Zanchetta is facing charges of defrauding the state and "aggravated continuous sexual abuse", but hey, that was in a foreign country, and since 2013 the Catholic Church has known not to trust anything an Argentinian says. So there's nothing so see here, and Gussie can get back to his job as a Vatican bank clerk. Case dismissed.

Pope and McCarrick

And now some more unfinished business.

But what about Uncle Ted McCarrick, whose crimes against Laudato Si' have caused him to lose his cardinal's hat? We have an exclusive preview of the long-awaited McCarrick Report:

1. Ted used to lure seminarians to his beach house and turn on the air conditioning.

2. In the winter he would even use a fire to warm the room as he cuddled up to seminarians on a bearskin rug.

3. He drove a huge Bergoglio Chiron gas-guzzler, and used it to pick up vulnerable seminarians.

Bugatti Chiron

The Bergoglio Chiron.

4. Have you seen the size of the fridge he used? Mind you, he needed it, if he had "one seminarian in the bed and one on ice".

5. He refused to renounce plastic and all its works, and he was seen using plastic straws when offering seminarians spiked drinks.

6. Ignoring advice from the Congregation for the Environment, he refused to fit solar panels to the roof of his beach house, claiming that mirrors in the bedroom ceiling were just as good.

7. All the other great sins: aeroplane rides, forgetting to recycle, refusing to invite Greta Thunberg to his beach house on the grounds that she was (allegedly) female... was there no limit to his wickedness?

Conclusion of the report: Uncle Don and Uncle Wilt are envious of Ted, but... nothing to see here, move on, please.

Uncle Ted's rice

Uncle Ted's new non-racist rice business is doing well.