How to scandalize the Catholic Church

Yes, it's another in our long-running series on "How to be a good pope," designed for those lucky readers who may one day have to decide whether to trade as Pius XIII, Benedict XVII, Francis II, or George-Ringo I.

Well, I say lucky. Some people are naturally suited to the position of pope, being holy, meek, pure in spirit, merciful, and an expert at dealing with cardinals who are dodgy financiers or drug-takers. Others, like yourself, got into the job by accident, when your flustered careers adviser ticked the box marked "PAPA" by mistake for "PORTERO" on the sheet of recommended jobs for you. You could have had a great life as a caretaker/janitor, sitting in the entrance to an office-block, smoking, reading the paper, and slapping intruders, but it was not to be. You ended up as Pope, and you only rarely get the chance to slap anyone.

"I love you very much." Well, everyone except Burke, Schneider, Sarah, Viganò... and Donald Trump.

Anyway, you're stuck with the job, and you have certain beliefs that can't really be described as "Catholic": Marxism is great, give communion to anyone who wants it, being divorced and remarried is just fine, abortion is nothing to be bothered about, everyone will go to Heaven (or more likely nobody will as you don't believe in it), this Pachamama cult sounds like fun, ...

So what do you do? You speak out. Not ex cathedra, since if you tried that be sure that your throne would act as a divine ejector-seat and you would disappear, never to be seen again. No, you can give interviews to 108-year-old journalists known for making things up from memory, you can fraternize with Marxists and abortionists - after all Jesus also met sinners, and perhaps He too used to slap them on the back and say "You're doing a grand job, carry on!" You can write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations, and people will just nod wisely and say "It's OK, it's just the Pope's personal opinion" and tap their heads significantly. It's rather disappointing really, you were hoping to hit the headlines worldwide.

But one day you get to release a video on which you're talking about homosexual relationships and all Hell breaks loose (if you'll pardon the expression).

At last! The publicity you've always wanted!

What's the problem with civil unions for homosexual couples, you wonder. One of your favourite Catholics, Joe Biden (who, like you, doesn't believe much of that Christianity stuff) actually "married" two men at his home in Delaware. Joe is a Good Catholic, but for you his main attraction is that he hates Donald Trump nearly as much as you do.

I forgot to mention that en route to becoming Pope you became a Jesuit: so you know the funny handshakes, and you were trained in the ancient Jesuit art of Mumbo Jumbo - saying things that can be intepreted in more than one way. Your friend and mentor Fr James Martin LGBTSJ gave you the Martin translation of the Bible. In it you found the following text, where all was made clear:

1. So Lot said, "O Lord, what can I do to stop you destroying the Cities of the Plain?"

2. And the Lord God answered, "Tell them to introduce a programme of civil partnerships in order to regularize their relationships."

3. And it was so.

The text goes on to say how Sodom and Gomorrah became known worldwide as a centre where gay couples could meet and practise Ignatian yoga.

Modelled on one of the gay bath-houses in the Cities of the Plain.

How did you get into this situation? Well, curiously, it was all Parolin's fault. He came to you, saying, "You know that dodgy deal we've got with China, where they are allowed to appoint their own bishops and torture all the Catholics? Well, we're about to renew it. How can we bury the news?"

"Hold my Boese Lager, Pietro, I think I know how to grab a few headlines..."

The rest is history. The Pope changes Catholic teaching. Jesus, the apostles, doctors of the Church, and 265 previous popes got it all wrong. "Can priests get into civil unions now? Asking for a friend, you understand," says Fr Jim.

Oh dear, don't you wish you were a simple janitor?

And now Alexander Tschugguel demands clarity - the one thing you must never ask of a Jesuit!

Pope Francis is saved

"Well yes, I have been saved... but in my case it was such a close-run thing that I thought I had better keep quiet about it."

Sir Alec Douglas-Home, British Prime Minister.

A saved person.

The wondrous encyclical Fratelli Tutti contains a passage of Good News (or maybe Very Bad News). It is not buried in a footnote, and has even been advertised on the Pope's Twitter account, so we have to believe it is meant seriously.

We need to develop the awareness that nowadays we are either all saved together or no one is saved.

Well, on this blog we have always taken the viewpoint that You is not saved, only I is saved, but now we must revise our ideas. So I sent a Dubium to Pope Francis and by return of post I got an invitation to the Vatican to talk to the Holy Father.

Eccles: Your popeness, from the context, "saved" could mean several things:

1. Redeemed from the consequences of our sin, and permitted to dwell in Heaven eternally with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

This is the sort of thing a pope should be discussing, but from the context, it may also mean:

2. Saved from the great evils that beset mankind, of which climate change is obviously the worst, as it can lead to hot days, cold days, rain, drought, and dull cloudy days with sunny intervals possibly with fog on high ground take care and have a nice day.

Francis: Ha ha ha ha ha! Take that clown away.

Eccles (struggling in the arms of the Swiss Guard): Assuming that you were talking about religion, Holy Father, then we have two choices here:

(a) We are all unsaved. Which means that Jesus was wasting His time. This seems unlikely.

(b) We are all saved. Good news.

Pope Francis welcomes Eccles.

(Francis threatens me with a Papa-slappa gesture.)

Eccles: I suppose that being saved just means that you get eternal life. For you and me, Holy Father, it means a cushy abode in Heaven. For others, like Zen and Viganò, it may mean eternal life, but stewing in the Lake of Fire in Hell.

At this point the door was slammed on me and I was thrown out into the street. However, by good fortune I met Professor Richard Dawkins the celebrity atheist, author of "Why I am too grown-up to believe in God, and where He got it all wrong," who had come with some Dubia for Pope Francis.

Eccles: Dicky! What would being saved mean to you, if it were possible?

Dawkins: Well the Bible speaks of a land of milk and honey, and it is not far wrong. We atheists live entirely on honey, and Paradise for me would be populated by brilliant atheists, such as Grayling, Fry, John Lennon, etc., all feasting eternally on honey.

Eccles: Sounds like Hell to me.

At this point the Swiss guard gave me the "blow on the head" of peace, and I knew no more.

When I woke up I found myself in Mass, and, my head a bit hazy, it seemed that the Gospel passage went something like this:

They handed him a denarius and he said, "Whose head is this? Whose name?" "Pachamama's" they replied.

But I may have imagined it.

Yes, I must have imagined it.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 8: Blood, Sweat and Tiers

Continued from Chapter 7.

1. Then two prophets came unto Bosis, their names being Witty and Valiant.

2. And they spake out unto him, saying "Beware the second wave!"

3. For Bosis had led the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt, so that the sea divided them, but now it seemed that a second wave might still engulf them.

Bo-sis feareth the second wave.

4. And Witty and Valiant continued to prophesy, saying "Beware an Exponential Growth," which is how prophets say "We know not what will happen next but it could be very bad."

5. And the news came from a distant land that Donald the trumpet-player, whose hair was orange, had also been stricken down by the plague.

6. But Donald took to his bed and consumed a blessed potion known as a-spi-rin, by which he was miraculously healed in a few hours. Although his hair was still orange.

7. Then Bo-sis decided that the best way to fight the plague was to send out letters known as proper gander, that the children of Bri-tain might be encouraged.

No man understandeth Bo-sis.

8. He shouted out great words of power, "BUILD BACK BETTER," which was also the cry of many other leaders who knew not what to do.

9. Peradventure Bo-sis wished them to build walls to protect against the second wave, or become body-builders to make their backs better? No man could say what the words meant.

10. But the fruitful mind of Bo-sis was able to devise other means of combatting the plague, and he decreed that all taverns must shut at the tenth hour.

11. He ordered that the people must cease their revels, go back to their dwellings, wash their hands seventy times seven times, brush their teeth, say their prayers, and go to their beds.

12. And it was so.

13. But his enemy Keir, chief of the Labourites, was also a man with a brilliant mind, and he proposed what he called a Circuit Breaker.

14. For the children of Bri-tain had been going round in circles for many weeks, like unto the chicken that hath lost its head, and it was time to break this circuit by putting everyone to sleep for two weeks.

15. But this did not come to pass.

16. Then Boris attempted to cheer the children of Bri-tain, many of whom were no longer able to work, by another letter of proper gander.

Bosis encourageth Fatima to go to the land of Cyber.

17. For there was a surplus of dancers in the land, since all the nurses and doctors had given up their work to make pictures of themselves dancing, which they showed on the tube of You.

18. But all the people sang the song of Bo-sis and felt much better:

Hands, face, space, 
Build, back, better, 
Rethink, reskill, reboot.

19. Still, in spite of all these signs of true leadership, Bo-sis was unable to stop the plague.

20. And he spake out saying "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers."

21. Thus he divided Bri-tain into three parts, known as tiers.

22. To the first tier he said "Ye shall live and prosper." To the second "Ye shall be very ill." And to the third "Ye shall die."

23. And all the people rejoiced, except perhaps those in the third tier.

To be continued.

When Francis met George

We are lucky to have overheard some of the conversation between Cardinal Pell and Pope Francis on the occasion of the big man's recent visit to the Vatican.

Francis: How nice to see you, George. I've been going through some hard times recently: you really can't imagine how bad things have been.

"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, George."

Pell: I'm so sorry, Holy Father. They say you've suffered a lot lately.

Francis: Yes, I was locked down in the Vatican for several months, and forbidden to take any flights abroad. My Pachamama dolls were confiscated and thrown in the river. Even Austen Ivereigh was forbidden to visit.

Pell: Ah well, every cloud has a silver lining. Still, it must be hard to bear isolation for a long period of time.

Francis: What's worse, people have been making up so many lies about me! You can't imagine what it's like having people hurling insults at you on a daily basis!

Pell: Still, it must have been a comfort to know that people were praying for you to leave the Vatican.

Francis: Maybe, but what can one do when hack journalists are writing books with titles like "The Rise and Fall of Pope Francis" and "Fallen: the inside story of the trial and conviction of Pope Francis"? I don't even have any convictions!

Just take the money and run, Louise.

Pell: So I've heard. Yes, it must be tough. Still prayer can be a great comfort.

Francis: Prayer? I never thought of that. I spent the whole time writing my memoirs. And it does look as though I am going to have a new best-seller on my hands. I've called it Fratelli Tutti.

Pell: Great, pulp fiction always sells well! Now, about your bank account...

Farrell goes up, Parolin goes down

From the Secret Diary of Pope Francis, age 83¾.

Today I decided to reward my friend Kevin Farrell by giving him a new job. He is already Camerlengo, which means that he has the job of deciding whether the Pope is dead, and he is very good at it, since he phones me up every day to check. On his visits to Rome he taps me on the head with a small hammer to see whether I am still alive, and he has only got it wrong twice!

"It's not easy being wonderful, you know, Tom."

Kevin is very good at oversights, for example he says he lived with my ex-friend Ted McCarrick for several years without ever noticing that he was a degenerate pervert who molested seminarians. When screams came from Ted's apartment, Kev thought it was the air conditioning!

So I have asked my friend His Eminence Cardinal Farrell (to give him his correct title, which still makes people laugh) to take on oversight of various financial contracts that the Vatican engages in. Formally, he is to be the president of the Commission for Reserved Matters, and one of his missions is to ensure transparency. "I've seen through your financial dealings for years, Holy Father!" he tells me, so I know he's the right man for the job. But I wish he'd put that little hammer away.

How I knew Kev was going to be my new best friend.

Recently I've had to tell my ex-friend Giovanni Becciu that he should pack a suitcase and flee to a new job in Venezuela, where there is no extradition treaty. Now to my great sadness I am having to let another good friend go, Pietro Parolin. Pete was on the council overseeing IOR, the Institute for the Works of Religion (Istituto per le Opere di Religione), which is a code phrase for the Vatican Bank!

This may be the wrong IOR.

Memo: why don't we just call it the Vatican Bank? You don't get HSBC, Bank of America or Credit Agricole pretending to be spiritually nourishing organizations, do you?

Anyway, I've broken with Parolin now, and he is definitely on my list of ex-friends. He was doing so well - he says the Chinese love him, and when they appoint 100 new communist cardinals (any time now), they'll all be voting for him as the next Pope. Over my dead body! (Or at least over my sleeping body if Kev gets it wrong...) But people say that Pete is too much of an Eminence Grise, and it's time to take him down a peg.

Well, dear diary, that's all I've got time for now, I must dash off and put in an appearance at the grand Tutti Frutti celebration party...

Pope wins Nobel prize for Boredom

It's the season for awarding Nobel prizes (Roger Penrose got one for his work on Black Holes Matter), and, as was widely expected, Pope Francis has been awarded the Nobel prize for Boredom, on account of his encyclical Tutti Frutti, as everyone is calling it.

This is what it's all about.

The prize-winning work is said to draw on the writings of such renowned theologians as Karl Marx, Maximilien Robespierre, John Lennon, Meghan Markle, and Greta Thunberg, with lots of citations of the humblest pope in history (Pope F*****s). To get some flavour of it, pick three words at random from the word cloud above, and form them into a sentence. Bonus marks if you spot anything to do with religion, such as "God", "Jesus" or "Sin".

So we dipped in and got "world", "people" and "dignity". Our message to you all is "The dignity of the people of the world." Or possibly "Dignity from the world of people." You can probably find both phrases somewhere in Tutti Frutti.

Useful advice on putting duvets into covers!

Of course, not everyone is an admirer of this masterpiece. We have heard two criticisms:

1. The title "Fratelli tutti" is sexist, and so no self-respecting womyn should read the encyclical. Sigh... we know what's in it... just a catalogue of ways that Catholics are encouraged to oppress womyn. Pope Francis thinks that all womyn are good for is putting duvets into covers! Come on, sisters, let's go to the Vatican and have a sit in! Bring your duvets!

2. Pope Francis doesn't like the death penalty. So Catholic teaching has changed. Next week, Catholic teaching on abortion, homosexuality, drug orgies, embezzling money, and framing Australian cardinals may also be changing. Do let us know your suggestions!

Prof. Massimo Faggioli, top gelato Catholic, distributing copies of Tutti Frutti.

So, nothing new, and a worthy recipient of the Nobel Prize for Boredom.

Amy is the wrong sort of Catholic

So, RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court, the one who ate broken bottles, killed rats with her teeth, wore barbed wire next to the skin, and was strongly suspected of turning into a werewolf at the time of the full moon (as P.G. Wodehouse would have put it). Who can possibly replace you?

Well, it would have to be a lawyer, and other good boxes to tick are (1) being female or possibly gender-fluid, (2) being black or at least not white, (3) being a socialist, anarchist, or at least a liberal, (4) having no perceptible religion that might influence how you live your life, although atheism would of course be optimal.

So who do they get to replace Aunt Ruth? Amy Coney Barrett! She ticks Box 1, but not the others.

The most evil family in the world?

Problem 1. She is a Catholic.

Solution 1: No problem really. After all, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi are Catholics! It's just a label, which may attract some voters. You don't have to make a religion of it! Just turn up at church once a year for a photo-opportunity with a bishop. Otherwise, you can campaign on LGBT issues and push abortion to limits that even King Herod would have been embarrassed about.

Problem 2. Oh, but she does make a religion of it. She's strongly pro-life.

Solution 2. Awkward.

Problem 3. Still, you can't be pro-life unless you follow the "seamless garment" philosophy. You won't catch her adopting kids, especially not black kids; I don't imagine she does anything charitable. Not like Joe Biden who gave 3 dollars to charity last year, even if it was tax-deductable. And I'll bet she would abort a Downs kid without thinking - what a hypocrite, eh?

Solution 3. Actually, she's adopted two black Haitians and has a Downs kid.

Problem 4. Gotcha! Cultural imperialism. I'll bet she chains the black kids up at night and sends them into the fields to pick cotton during the day time. And a Downs kid! What a sadist! She just likes to see him suffer.

Slavery. Or sadism. Or racism. Or something.

Solution 4. No, they seem to be a happy well-balanced family. No drug addicts, no mysterious money from Ukraine.

Problem 5. Well, she's obviously a white supremacist then. Don't worry, we'll find something against her. Probably she touched someone inappropriately 30 years ago.

Solution 5. Like Biden did last week, you mean?

No, no, no! Biden is a Democrat. He can do no wrong! Amy is a Republican, and so EVIL EVIL EVIL.

Zen and the art of being a good pope

Yes, this is another in our series "How to be a good pope," designed to provide useful advice to any of our readers who might suddenly be told "You've just been elected to the Chair of St Peter. Put on this white coat, get out on the balcony, and smile as if you really meant it."

Now sometimes you get pestered by unwanted visitors. Obviously, there are visitors that you welcome with open arms, such as little gnomes writing biographies of you, or LGBT Jesuits wanting to build bridges. But there are others that you definitely mustn't see.

Hide and seek in the Vatican.

One such is Cardinal Tao, the 94-year-old Chinese cardinal, who has walked all the way from Hong Kong to discuss with you the appointment of bishops in his own country. You thought you had it all sewn up: President Xi Jinandtonic was to send you lots of money, and you would let him chooses his pet thugs as bishops. After all, what's wrong with having thugs as bishops, or even cardinals? In the United States it is quite normal.

But Tao refuses to be silent. Luckily he is only going to be around for four days and you have many places you can hide: behind the sofa, under the bed, in the cupboard under the stairs, in the toilet. As Baroness Orczy put it:

They seek him here, they seek him there. 
Those Chinese seek him everywhere. 
Is he in Heaven or is he in Hell? 
That demned elusive Popernel.

The scarlet Popernel.

You could even try removing your papal robes, dressing as a gardener, and slipping out unnoticed. A much more important Man than you was once mistaken for a gardener!

But there is another cloud on the horizon. Cardinal Billabong from Australia has escaped from prison, and he's come to check your tax returns! Unlike Tao, he has very good eyesight, and you won't be able to elude him so easily.

Hmm... this one could be tricky. If I get any good ideas I'll let you know.

Becciu gets the sack

The phone rang. "Headmaster wants to see you, Eminence," said Gonzalo Aemilius, the Pope's personal secretary. "Better stick some books down the back of your cassock, you're in for a caning."

Cardinal Giovanni Becciu, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, cautiously entered the Pope's study, known colloquially as the Awful Office. Was the Headmaster going to tick him off for recommending Ruth Bader Ginsburg for canonization on the advice of James Martin, Massimo Faggioli, and several others who had the Pope's ear? Or was it something else?

"No, Cardinal, I really can't accept your cheque while people are watching."

"I have here a letter from the Count of Monte Ballarat," said the Pope. "In fact it's really Cardinal Pell, the man imprisoned in the Château Wallaby for fifteen years on trumped-up charges. He has now escaped and is starting to take revenge on the people who betrayed him. I'll Becciu weren't expecting that! (Joke!)"

"But why does he use the alias 'Count of Monte Ballarat'?" asked Becciu.

"He knows very well that my secretary has orders to tear up all letters from cardinals on sight. We don't want any more Dubia slipping through! Now, Pell was looking into the finances of the Vatican before he was sent away, and has laid some very severe charges against you."

Cardinal Pell is deeply grieved by the downfall of Becciu.

"Does he know about my private company Vatican Embezzlement Inc.?"

"More than that. He has been following the money, and knows that it is wholly owned by Becciu Slushfunds, which in turn is a shadow company that sends money to Becciu Investments, and this in turn funnels its profits into Becciu Laundries and Dry Cleaning. It seems that all you launder is money..."

"It's just accounting, Holy Headmaster, you wouldn't understand it."

Suspicious going-on in the Vatican laundry.

"I'll have to do something about this you know. Apparently all the newspapers have been carrying the story for over a year, except the ones I read: La Civiltà Cattolica, The National Catholic Reporter, America, the Tablet and the Beano. You're FIRED!"

"You mean...?"

"Hand over your red hat and your key to the Cardinals' washroom. Cardinal Cocainepusher wants me to tell you that you're not invited to any more Saturday night parties. Gammarelli's will no longer be giving you a staff discount."

"Can I keep my email business, sending messages to gullible people offering them a million euros if they let me use their bank account?"

"Yes, no problem, Giovanni. And don't worry - I'm going to commission a full report on the whole affair, but it's in a queue after the McCarrick report, so you're all right for ten years or so."

"Phew!"

"Just one thing though... the Count of Monte Ballarat says that there are more people he wants to expose, including FATHER BIG, himself. Do you think he knows about that money we've been getting from Soros and Xi Jinping?"

Death of a Saint

Once in a while someone dies who is instantly recognised as a saintly being by our spiritual leaders. A few months ago it was George Floyd, the violent drug-crazed robber. His virtues were recognised by Fr James Martin, who instantly awarded him a place in Heaven.

Well, I've tried praying to St George the Floyd in Heaven, but I keep getting the "number unobtainable" message. So maybe I am not spiritual enough to appreciate his saintliness.

Then, a day or two ago, we said farewell to top lawyer Ruth Bader Ginsburg, without whom many kids now dead through abortion might have been given a chance to live. Now, there are lots of good reasons why I should not comment adversely on the dear departed.

1. De mortuis nil nisi bonum, attributed to Chilon of Sparta (600 BC), although he said it in Greek. This rather limits what we can say about anyone in history. Judas Iscariot knew how to make a quick buck (=30 pieces of silver), Henry VIII was a great musician, Hitler a promising painter. Ruth hardly ever tortured kittens.
2. Judge not that ye be not judged. Awkward this one, as dear Ruth made a living out of judging people. Anyway, we can comment on her activities without judging her.

Chilon of Sparta - I have nothing but good to say of him.

Now, a lot of people have decided to go for the "Praise Ruth" option. Governor Mike Huckabee, who is an amusing Southern Baptist, and so slightly saved, and whose most irritating habit is to torment people with his electric bass guitar, goes for the "respectful memory" option - but then Baptists don't canonize people - reflecting on her friendship with the late Justice Scalia.

But it is impossible to know the ultimate destination of La Ginsburg until Fr Jim has pronounced. Since she was a Democrat, we know he will support her, as pro-life issues must always come second to party loyalty - except when Republicans do it, eh, Jim?

"May her memory be a blessing."

Apparently dear Ruth was also described a "champion of LGBTQ rights on the bench". There we must draw the line, since if the LGBTQ people wish to exercise their rights, a bed is surely far more appropriate than a park bench. But what do I know?

Anyway, that's enough spiritual nourishment for now. RIP, Ruth, and RIP all the unborn kids being torn to pieces before they have a chance to grow up and become lawyers.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 7: The rule of Six

Continued from Chapter 6.

1. In the ninth month of the year, the plague continued to rage, or, more accurately, to be slightly peeved.

2. For, although there were some new sick people, the Angel of Death had dropped his mighty scythe and now slew just one or two with his less mighty sword of cardboard.

"I need a holiday."

3. And Bo-sis spake, saying, "Let us talk once more to the people of EU-gypt about the issue of Brexodus. For, although we have left, there is more to be decided."

4. Thus he ordered his servant David the Frosty to meet with Michael Bar-nier in a form of mortal combat known as negotiation.

5. But Bar-nier was exceeding wrathful, for David the Frosty wished to take away all the fish for which the children of Bri-tain hungered.

6. This would force the Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, to feed her five thousand people on just five loaves and two fishes.

An exclusive picture of the EU-gypt fishing quota.

7. Moreover, Bo-sis was forced to reconsider the Backstab, or the Irishite Question, wherein the trade in milk and honey with the Irishites was to be governed.

8. For, as is recorded elsewhere, whenever Bo-sis was getting close to the answer, the Irishites secretly changed the Question.

9. However, the plague had not gone away, and the Angel of Death spake again unto Bo-sis, saying "Coo-eee, I am still here!"

10. Thus Bo-sis took decisive action, and appointed an army known as the Marshals of Covid, who were to patrol the streets shouting at passers-by the mighty words "KEEP THY DISTANCE!"

"This street ain't big enough for the two of us."

11. Also, because Bo-sis and his servant Matthew, of the trible of Hanoch, liked to speak in slogans, they created a new one: "HANDS - FACE - SPACE - THE FINAL FRONT EAR", although none knew what it meant exactly.

12. Then Matthew of Hanoch counted up the number of his friends, and it came to five (if he counted the ones who did not really like him).

13. Thus he gave an order, known as the Rule of Six, saying that no party should consist of more than six people.

14. And all the people were angered by this, except for the Libdemites, who said "A party of six people? We have been practising this for years!"

Continued in Chapter 8.

How to be a good pagan pope

This is of course the latest instalment in our series "How to be a good pope", providing essential advice for anyone expecting to be launched into the Chair of St Peter. (However, be warned, Pope Francis is taking the 93+ years of Leo XIII and Benedict XVI as a challenge, and has lots of exciting plans for making the Catholic Church unrecognizable in the next ten years...)

"Thank you for sending me the idol of Pachamama. I have thrown it into the Tiber."

It's been a frustrating summer, and you haven't been able to hold your usual audiences in front of great crowds, nor to take aeroplane trips (your usual opportunity for inventing new doctrine). True, you had another chat with Scalfari, who at 96 is even older than Benedict and Leo, even if he does make everything up from memory. But it turned out to be a bit of a non-event.

You were so desperate for company that you were reduced to allowing Austen Ivereigh to interview you - somehow he misunderstood your groans of "Let me sleep!" when he phoned you up at 3 a.m., and he is going to call the resulting book "Let us dream!" (Memo: remind Austen to brush up his Italian.) More on that some other time.

No, seriously...

Well, you amused yourself a little by tinkering with the Italian liturgy. The bits quoted from the Bible always looked wrong to you, so you were happy to rewrite them in the way Jesus would have put things if he'd been as wise as you. But this is merely trolling the traditionalists, so you need something bigger to keep yourself in the public eye.

Got it! For the next month we're going to celebrate the Jubilee for the Earth, the Season of Creation. That is, paganism. Here are a couple of wise things you might preach. Don't mention Jesus, sin, redemption, Heaven, Hell, or any of that stuff. It just confuses people.

What's that strange voice I hear?

Listen carefully, folks, that's the voice of creation speaking. Forget all that nonsense about being masters of creation - rewriting Genesis is next on your list - and remember that we are all spiders in a web, not just your friend Tony Spidero.

I got rhythm...

Speak out about the rhythms of creation. You may go down in history as the rhythmical pope, which is better than the web-bound pope. However, be warned: one of your likely successors, Cardinal Taggle-Waggle, is already putting in a claim to be the most rhythmical pope, and his dance moves are better than yours.

"I got rhythm AND I got music."

Anyway, keep muttering about the Rhythms of the Earth, the Jubilee of Creation, the Season of the Voice, the Voice of the Season, the Creation of Rhythm, and the Jubilee of the Season of Creation of the Rhythms of the Voice of the Earth... and that will keep people in a state of confusion until your next encyclical gets written.

It's Supernun!

In a previous post we asked Sister Judy Piranha of the Nuns of Herod to explain why voting Democrat was the only reasonable possibility for an American Catholic. Now, to redress the balance, we present Supernun!

Supernun! (Real name Deirdre Byrne.)

Sr Deirdre (a.k.a. Dede) is no ordinary nun. Trained as an army surgeon, she can strangle heretics with her bare hands and kill them with a single blow - medical knowledge comes in handy! According to Wikipedia she is also a world-class distance runner, but that could be someone else.

Anyway, her super-powers include flying, X-ray vision, and laser-like eyes which can melt steel (making her stare the most piercing since Mother Angelica's). She also has breath that can freeze a Jesuit at ten paces.

The Horan of Babylon is not amused.

You can tell that Supernun is making an impact - Daniel Horan of Babylon, a well-known opponent of pro-life activities, threw a hissy fit and played the Nazi card. If his picture is anything to judge by, he has already had his hair vaporized by the piercing glare of Supernun!

Horan is also very worried about the weaponised rosary of Supernun! It seems that he doesn't mind rosaries as a fashion accessory, to go with that lovely Chanel robe he wears, but woe betide you if you use them as a way of fighting evil!

Another well-known Democrat, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ BOTA (Beast of the Apocalypse) is also throwing a wobbly at the special powers of Supernun! His argument is that religious people should not endorse politicians. Of course, he has praised Biden and attacked Trump on many occasions - he threw a memorable tantrum when Donald was elected - but nobody could possibly deduce anything about his political views from that!

But enough - in fact too much - of Jimbo the Clown.

Long live Supernun!

Coming soon, the adventures of Supermother!

Pay nuns more so that they can make moral judgements!!??

Today, a guest post from Sister Judy Piranha, of the Nuns for Herod, who led prayers at the Democrat National Convention.

Coo-ee everyone!!?? It was a great privilege to be a guest of honour at the Democratic Convention, especially since we of the Nuns for Herod are the least conventional sisters you'll ever meet!!??

No rude comments about my habits, please!!??

Ever since the days of President Barack Aborter, we in the Nuns for Herod have been keen Democrats!!?? It's all part and parcel of being one of the "Fat Nuns in the Limousine"!!?? I was delighted when Joe Biden came up to me, stroked my hair, and said, "What's it like being a naughty nun, sister??!!" I replied, "Well, it's not to be sniffed at"!!?? Oddly, he replied, "That's a shame," and moved away!!??

Now, many of you have asked me, "Do you really support abortion??!!" Well, that's above my pay grade!!?? If you want nuns to make moral judgements, you must pay them more!!?? 30 pieces of silver will buy you a moral judgement, dearie!!?? And we're not dogmatic - you can have any answer you like!!??

Of course Abortercare is not universally popular with nuns!!?? Think of the Little Sisters of the Poor, who don't think nuns should send out baby-killing drugs!!?? Well, you can see that they're losers, can't you!!?? Otherwise they'd be the Big Sisters of the Rich, and get lots of juicy grants from rich companies!!??

The Big Sisters of the Rich (not losers!!??)

But enough of that!!?? Sister Kamala* is organizing an auction today!!?? Who wants to buy a nun's conscience, totally unused??!! Send your bids in!!??

*Originally Mary, but that wouldn't do!!??

The World Cup of Ugly Churches - nominations requested

Time for another World Cup. We've done Bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), Bad cardinals (Cupich), Bad Catholic journalists (James Martin), and Liturgical abuses (Idols).

So let's have a World Cup of Ugly Churches. They can be Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox - any Christian denomination. We'll exclude mosques, Buddhist temples, etc. (which tend to be quite attractive anyway, although not spiritually nourishing).

To nominate something please provide a URL that links to information about the church in question*, so that I can get a picture and be sure that it really is a church and not a warehouse or nuclear bunker. The photo can be taken outside or inside, whichever you prefer.

*either by replying to this post, or by replying to my Twitter advert.

Voting will be by Twitter polls, and will start when I have enough entrants.

To get us started, here are three strong-looking contenders.

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid, Spain.

Wotrubakirche, Vienna, Austria.

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay, France.

Remember that all these were built in order to glorify God. Or at least to make the architect rich.

Jim Wrong-un to address Democratic People's Convention

As reported by North Korea, the North Korean Jesuit magazine (editor Jim Wrong-un), Father Jim Wrong-un SJ has been invited to address the Democratic People's Republic Workers' Party Convention, which will be choosing their candidate for Supreme Leader.

Jim Wrong-un.

In fact the way in which the new leader is chosen is very simple. The current leader, coincidentally named Kim Jong-un, is nominated, and anyone who disagrees is shot.

Fr Jim, described by his own magazine as a "faith leader" (no, don't laugh, he has many followers), is a long-term supporter of the Workers' Party, maintaining that the "seamless garbage" approach to theology means that their unfortunate habit of killing anyone who gets in their way doesn't invalidate their credentials as a strongly pro-life party; indeed, Supreme Leader Kim is a good Catholic who fully believes in bridge-building to the LGBT community - or would if it actually existed.

The US flags were later replaced by rainbow flags.

Some people have criticised Jim's invitation, but he says that he will deliver a simple prayer with a message of love, peace, justice, mercy, and a wish that all the Supreme Leader's remaining enemies are humiliated.

"And if I am given a similar invitation by the Leader of the Opposition*, I shall of course attend and say the same prayer," he explained.

*a title awarded posthumously.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 6: How to avoid Qu'ran'tain

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. After forty days and forty nights the people of BALM ceased to wage war on statues, and the children of Bri-tain became anxious about the plague once more.

2. So there was a great rejoicing in the land when Bosis told them that more freedom would be granted to them.

3. The houses of public could reopen, but those who entered must at all times remain at a distance of four cubits from their drinks.

4. The cutters of hair could work as before, but only on those who were bald, such as Elisha the prophet.

Elisha waiteth for his haircut.

5. So that those who were hairy men, like unto Esau, must remain forever unshorn.

6. Also, the eating-houses were open, but only for those who were fasting.

7. But finally Bosis agreed that everyone who wished to eat, drink, or be shorn could now do so, but must wear masks at all times.

8. Finally, even the churches were allowed to open, although the faithful were told to obey the new commandments of Bosis.

9. For it is written, "Shun thy neighbour. Receive the Lord in thy sanitized hands. Do not sing unto the Lord a new song. Worship ye the Lord by booking ahead on the web that is wide."

10. Now, it being summer time, many left the land of Bri-tain to seek sunshine, the wine that is cheap, and the companionship of the mosquito. Yeah, even in the land of EU-gypt.

11. But Bosis was angry, for the people were enjoying themselves at last. And many were seen without masks.

The anger of Bosis.

12. So Bosis sent out a decree, that those who returned from EU-gypt must go to a place called Qu'ran'tain for fourteen days and fourteen nights.

13. In Qu'ran'tain they might not leave their houses.

14. If they wished to eat, they should pray, and manna would be dropped from Heaven. If they wished to walk their dogs, they should march round the room seventy times seven times. If they fell sick, they were told to die quietly.

15. For Bosis had discovered that the Service of Health worked very well when nobody tried to use it.

16. Meanwhile, there were many who wished to enter Bri-tain without passing through Qu'ran'tain. So they rode across the sea in the boats of rubber, and no man attempted to block their way.

The makers of holiday hurry back to work.

Continued in Chapter 7.

Day of Judgement marks downgraded

August 14th 2021

Religious leaders have complained that the results of the Day of Judgement are "a complete fiasco" and "unfair and unfathomable", after the marks for many candidates were downgraded from the predictions given by their spiritual leaders.

"We're going to Heaven!" Or are they?

Worshippers from a variety of religions have discovered that the heavenly places they expected have been refused to them.

Said Pastor Noodle of the Calvary Chapel, "I awarded Mr Bosco three A* grades, and was expecting him to take up his place in the University of Heaven. After regrading, he was awarded F-, F-, F-, and will be forced to go to a much less prestigious place."

Similarly, Imam Oran complained: "I awarded grades to my class which would have granted them each 72 virgins in the afterlife; after re-assessment, they ended up with 72 sturgeons each, and most of them don't even like fish."

Or maybe it wasn't fish.

Problems in the Catholic Church too, where Headmaster Francis's assessment of his star pupils Blase Cupich, James Martin, and Austen Ivereigh turned out to be wildly optimistic. We are still waiting for the end-of-term report on Ted McCarrick, but it seems that his predicted grades of F-----, F----- and F----- are more-or-less accurate.

"I'm appealing!" (Oh no you're not!)