The five environmental mysteries of the Rosary

Today there is, apparently, Earth Hour, or St Mother Earth's Hour, to give it the official title. Not to be confused with Earth Day (April 22nd), and - no doubt - Earth History Month, Earth Awareness Week, etc. etc. for those who are really into environmentalism. Accordingly, the Vatican will turn off lights on St Peter's Basilica tonight. Let's hope they don't accidentally turn off the light on Pope Francis's medical support system, as well.

It has also been decided to add a new set of mysteries to the Rosary (well, if Pope John Paul II could do it, why can't Francis?) As usual it will consist of five mysteries, and they are as follows:

Calming the climate change storm.

In the first century, climate change was a big concern of the Roman Empire, and whenever the weather was unusually wet, dry, hot, cold, windy or calm, they knew that fossil fuels were to blame.

Feeding the 5000 on lab-grown burgers.

Locusts and wild honey were a popular Biblical food, introduced by St John the Billgates, but sometimes people wanted more than this. Turning down an environmentally dangerous offer of loaves and fishes, Our Lord came up with a better alternative, produced in His father Joseph's laboratory.

Replacing the barren fig tree with a solar panel.

When Jesus encountered a useless fig tree, which was producing no energy, He cursed it and replaced it with a solar panel, as the best way to Save the Planet. This is why Protestants often use the term "Solar Scripture".

Saying "just stop" when anointed with oil.

"Just stop oil" is probably one of the best-known Biblical commandments, and its origin is the anointing (John 12) when Mary of Bethany made an environmental blunder by using precious spikenard. Naturally, she was stopped in her tracks, and the oil was instead given to a third-world country, where it could be used without harming the environment.

Riding a donkey fed on methane-reducing Bovaer.

The true message of Palm Sunday is often overlooked. It was not simply that a King entered, riding on a donkey, as predicted in Zechariah 9: it was the fact that the crowd were shouting "Hosanna, blessed is he that cometh in the name of Mother Earth."

Usually five mysteries are considered to be enough. Pope Francis did not want to be so rigid, and he was proposing an extra mystery (any suggestions?) However, the fact that if he did so then Catholics would have to buy rosaries with extra beads dissuaded him. After all, nobody wants to be beaten up by angry nuns!

The Frozen

Yes, it's a new American Christian historical drama television series! You thought you knew the New Testament Bible story, but the producers have now filled in some missing details previously omitted by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

The Blessed Virgin Mary (or possibly Nicodemus).

A few liberties have been taken with the script:

* All the action has been moved to Antarctica.

* All character wear beards (including the ladies), so are impossible to tell apart.

* Exciting back-stories have been provided: Peter is a drug addict and gambler; James and John are bank robbers; top Evangelist Matthew suffers from learning difficulties, and can neither read nor write.

* Jesus needs help writing His sermon on the mount.

* The five thousand are fed on McDonald's' Jumbo Offalburgers (thanks to an arrangement with the sponsors).

The Sermon on the Mount.

Say the producers: "We Protestants are often accused of Sola Scriptura (if it ain't in the Bible it didn't happen). We have turned this round to Extra Scriptura (if it's in the Bible we can't use it)."

The whole Gospel message is packed into 948 handy 3-hour films, and tell such thrilling stories as the trouble John the Reformed Baptist has with the Eskimo Soldiers (what do you mean, they're at the North Pole?), the episode of the Gadarene seals charging over the cliff, Jonah and the Whale (oh, was he Old Testament? Well, keep him in anyway, the viewers won't know that), and of course the Transfiguration at the South Pole.

Eccles verdict: not to be missed!

A shepherd watching over his flocks by night.

Gifts for Chritsmas

DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL iDOLL (IN ASSOCIATOIN WIV APLE)

De ideal pressent for de little kid what wants to be saved.

Dis little fellow is an electronnic marvel dat can speak a lot of usefull phrases, such as:

* Kiss me, I'm an iDoll.

* Granny aint saved, tee hee hee.

* Bosco done a poo on de blogg, Mummy.

* Mummy, can I throw stones at de cosstume holly man?

* Give us de gin.***

*** Dis phrase was sugested by my Anti Moly, who said it was one of her favorite phrases when she was a little gril.

Powered by Solar Scriptura cells.

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A PRESENT FOR DE GROWN-UPS - DE ELLECTRONIC CEMENT DOVE

Dis dove is reely a pussonal organizer and aid to Salivation.

It has a built-in recording devvice, so dat preists in good stand-in like Farver Arfur can record confessoins to make sure dey dont miss anyfink, and den play dem back at parties.

It has a built-in alarm functoin, so dat it can wake you up in de mornin wiv your chioce from some jolly phrasses, such as:

* Wake up, lazzy bons. You aint gonna be saved.

* Ullo, I fink Jessus is standin at de door knockin.

* Annuver day dawns, and dere is more poeple waitin to be insullted.

* Only woeful, traddy, fanattical Cathlic sockpoppets stay in bed late.

* Ullo, dis is Sister Whippie here, wuold you like one of my luvvly pennance puddings?

* At 4 a.m. dis mornin you said "Zzzz..." Accordin to de Catacoms of de Churhc dat is a sin, cos you is a foolish verger what went to sleep.

* Its 5 a.m. Anti, time to put de computter away and go to bed.

As you can see we has been recievin suggestoins from a varietty of suorces.

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At Chritsmas we plays de Calumny Chappel versoin of snakes and ladders, where you has to try and stay on de angles, and not go on de demmons.

Bosco aint very good at dis, and he allways ends up in Hell.

Bosco is hot

My dere bruvver Bosco has bin complainin of de heat, well it aint so easy when you is all wrapped up in banddages. In fact many anceint cropses has bin found in Egpyt wrapped up like Bosco, and I am sure it is de heat what killed em off.

In our case it is also perhaps de Solar Scriptura Panels dat we has instaled on de roof of de house "Gauranteed to keep you warm in dis world and de next" dey say.

Even Grate-Anti Moly says she havvin a meltdown, such is de heat. Why she wears dat black dress and a hat in dis wevver, I dunno.

Also Bosco's girlfiend Camila is too hot, but Bosco very kindly carried her outside and dropped her in de pond (de one where de pirahna fish used to be, dat Anti Moly ate up).

Dat is what we calls true chevalry, except dat Camila weren't very pleased, she said she is allergic to runnin water, also mirrors and garlic, as it happens, dese dames sure is strange sometimes.

Bosco he also tried to jump in de pond but he fuond dat he cuoldnt get wet. He was walkin on de watter like Jessus, and much better dan St Peter. Dat's cos he's got a very strong faith and is surely saved. Or maybe de banddages provvides bouyancy.

De probblem still remians how to cool Bosco down, but I found an old fridge in de attic, and he is gonna sleep in dat. It's nice dat it seems to be made de same shape as a person. You wuold almost fink it was an iddle.

De question remains, does we dare go to de Calumny Chappel today wiv you lookin like dat, Bosco my dere?