Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted.
I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.
BAD HYMNS November 2018
Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah
Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.
BAD CARDINALS (I)
February 2019
Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio
BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019
Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro
LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020
Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread
UGLY CHURCHES November 2020
Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid
FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021
Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick
INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022
Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine
PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022
Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman
BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022
Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio
UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023
Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton
ROYAL SAINTS July 2023
Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France
SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023
Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh
SYNOD JARGON December 2023
Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit
BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024
Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli
MISUSED CHURCHES
April 2024
Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf
Coming next: the World Cup of Great Catholic Leaders.
This is the spiritual journey of me, Eccles, my big brother Bosco, and my Grate-Anti Moly. Eccles is saved, but we've got real problems with Bosco and Anti.
This is me, Eccles
Thursday 25 April 2024
Tuesday 23 April 2024
World Cup of Great Catholic Leaders - nominations, please!
Well, the
World Cup of Misused Churches
has been a bit of an anti-climax, as the polling
was probably the slowest of any of these World Cups.
Maybe we can do better this time.
Various people (some of them extremely
implausible) have been described as Catholic Leaders, or similar. So we will vote to see
who best deserves that description.
The rules:
Addendum: We now have 48 entrants, which is an appropriate place to stop. The World Cup begins tomorrow (April 25th).
1. Candidates must be living Catholic priests/bishops/etc. So hard luck, Austen Ivereigh, Taylor Marshall, Joe Biden, ... 2. We will, as usual, do this by Twitter polls. 3. Marko Rupnik is disqualified. 4. The umpire's decision (mine) is final.So far I have the following nominations (ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous, but you will be able to decide which is which):
Athanasius Schneider Carlo Maria Viganò Charles Chaput Dwight Longenecker Gerhard Ludwig Müller James Martin John Zuhlsdorf Joseph Strickland Joseph Zen Mario Grech Pope Francis Raymond Burke Robert Barron Robert Sarah Thomas Reese Timothy Dolan Víctor Manuel Fernández Wilfrid Napier Wilton GregoryYou are encouraged to nominate further candidates, either by replying to this post or by replying to the advert on Twitter. If I have never heard of your nominee, then he probably isn't eligible, however #saved he may be. Also disqualified! This one is SERIOUS, even though you may agree that some of the candidates are complete no-hopers.
Addendum: We now have 48 entrants, which is an appropriate place to stop. The World Cup begins tomorrow (April 25th).
Saturday 20 April 2024
Compromise found in the Rupnik case
Fr Marko Rupnik, you will recall, is accused of a variety of sexual offences, including rape, some
of them so disgusting that even Cardinal Fernández has said "I couldn't have used these
ideas
in any of my pornographic books - nobody would have believed them."
However he is a GOOD FRIEND of Pope Francis, and must not under any circumstances be
laicised, burnt at the stake, or otherwise inconvenienced. And even his dreadful "artwork"
is still on prominent display in the Vatican, the Ivereigh Towers Art Gallery, etc. etc.
Luckily, Dr "Expert" Ivereigh has come up with a compromise solution.
"These works raise our minds and hearts to God, so the answer is..."
"... QR codes!"
Yes, from now on, we keep the Rupnik daubs in prominent places, adding a little QR code which
conveys the message: "By the way, some Puritan heretics don't like what Rupnik has done, but who are we to judge?"
Rupnik himself has agreed to wear a little lapel badge carrying a QR code (but we don't recommend any
ladies to get close enough to scan him), and Ivereigh Towers also has a little QR code on the door
warning people about what they may find inside.
Cardinal Napier - another Rupnik fan - has agreed to have the QR code sewn into his mitre, as a gesture of solidarity
with the "Don't let's be beastly to Marco" campaign.
The Rupnik QR code - note the traditional merging of two eyes.
As a result of these new ideas, it is possible that the sacrament of Confession
will also be modified in the near future, and that people will be allowed to create QR codes linking to a
description of their sins, which can
be scanned by the priest - surely this is less embarrassing all round?
Wednesday 10 April 2024
A history of popesplaining
Although the word "popesplain" is of very recent origin (it has not yet reached the Oxford
English Dictionary), popesplaining as an activity has been around for 2000 years, as
it has always been necessary to explain the bizarre actions of the current pope.
It probably started in about A.D. 33, when St Peter thrice denied Christ (an incident
involving a cock crowing, should you need reminding). That same night the popular
blog What's Peter Up To Now?, through its editor Michaēl Levis, was explaining that
denying Christ was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and anyone who criticised
this was a heretic. Also, he'd be writing to their bishop. Peter's support of
the disgraced artist Judas Rupnikus was also justified on the WPUTN blog.
Six hundred years later Pope Honorius I got into trouble, being accused of monotheletism
(also of keeping a collection of Pachamama statues and kneeling before them).
His biographer Austen Iverius rushed to his defence, and, pausing only to call
all his critics "neurotics", dashed off a seventeenth biography of the pope, entitled
"Honorius, the Great Reformer", which explained how Catholic teaching had evolved.
Later, Pope John XII was accused of gross depravity and worldiness, also of attempting to
bless same-sex relationships. However, his good friend Giacomo Martino SJ, author of
"Come out of the closet" (which he claimed were the exact words of Jesus), was there to
add his support, although he was rather disappointed that the pope did not agree with
his support for "trans" people.
Pope Alexander VI, one of the Bergorgia family, was also backed by many popesplainers,
such as Christoferus Agnus and Maximus Leguminus, whose coverage of his iniquities
was selective, to put it mildly.
So, let us be thankful that the current pope is not only infallible but also
impeccable, and we no longer have any need of popesplainers!
Mike, will this do? If you think it's OK, you can post it on your blog. Eccles.
Monday 8 April 2024
Misused churches - the final rounds
We introduced the World Cup of Misused Churches
here.
This post will be used for the results of the quarter-finals and later rounds.
Here are photos of those remaining churches that were not already mentioned
in the previous post.
Vienna - giant sweater.
Borgloon (Belgium) - holy cow.
Washington - light and sound
New York - God is trans.
THE QUARTER-FINALS St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner 76.8 v Vienna, Giant sweater 23.2 Westminster, Amal puppet 37.9 v Rochester, Crazy golf 62.1 Canterbury, Silent disco 49.6 v Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow 50.4 Washington, Light and sound 11.4 v New York, God is trans 88.6
THE SEMI-FINALS St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner 47.6 v Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow 52.4 Rochester, Crazy golf 20.0 v New York, God is trans 80.0
THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner 75.0 v Rochester, Crazy golf 25.0. Bronze medal to the St Edmundsbury Masonic dinner. Bon appetit!
FINAL Borgloon, Holy cow 51.5 v New York, God is trans 48.5 Holy cow! Borgloon takes the Gold (just) and New York the Silver.
THE QUARTER-FINALS St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner 76.8 v Vienna, Giant sweater 23.2 Westminster, Amal puppet 37.9 v Rochester, Crazy golf 62.1 Canterbury, Silent disco 49.6 v Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow 50.4 Washington, Light and sound 11.4 v New York, God is trans 88.6
THE SEMI-FINALS St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner 47.6 v Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow 52.4 Rochester, Crazy golf 20.0 v New York, God is trans 80.0
THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner 75.0 v Rochester, Crazy golf 25.0. Bronze medal to the St Edmundsbury Masonic dinner. Bon appetit!
FINAL Borgloon, Holy cow 51.5 v New York, God is trans 48.5 Holy cow! Borgloon takes the Gold (just) and New York the Silver.
Monday 1 April 2024
The Book of St Richard, Chapter 31
Continued from Chapter 30.
1. It came to pass, the following Easter, that strange events took place in the mighty city of Lon-don,
of which the mayor was Genghis Khan, a fierce Muslim warrior.
2. For the people were ordered to ignore the holy events of Lent and Easter, but
to celebrate Ramadan, a month in which the Muslims fasted in the daytime and ate all night long.
3. Unlike other people, who fasted at night and ate in the daytime.
The mighty city celebrates Easter.
4. And Richard spake out, saying, "I was horrified to see this. For I am a cultural Christian,
who likes hymns and carols.
Also, I like cathedrals and churches."
5. For Richard had not heard the worst hymns such as "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine, Jesus, Shine",
nor had he visited the cathedral of Clif-ton.
Nor had Richard seen this statue of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.
6. Richard went on to explain that he enjoyed hot cross buns, Easter eggs, and sweet little bunnies
(cooked in a red wine sauce).
7. However, although the Islamic faith also had its beautiful mosques, its great hymns such as
"Shine, Mohammed, Shine" and delicacies such as hot crescent buns and sheep's eyes,
Richard could not be a cultural Muslim.
8. For (he said) the religion of Christ was fundamentally decent, whereas the other one was fundamentally indecent.
Richard is obliged to disguise himself when he attends Mass.
9. For was not Islam hostile to women and to those men who chose to lie with other men?
10. Where were the female Imams shrieking "Wakey-wakey! Put your food away! Allah is great!" from high towers
at the crack of dawn?
11. And where were the LGBTQ+ Mohammedits writing trashy books about "Building a Bridge"?
12. No, Richard could not say that he was a cultural Muslim.
"All Glory, Laud and Honour to Thee, Redeemer, King. Culturally speaking, of course."
13. "BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH,"
insisted Richard.
14. Which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, as Richard had never been known to murder or steal. Not even culturally.
To be continued.
The Book of St Richard beginneth here.
Muslim synod announced
Following the striking success of the Catholic Synod on Synodal Synodality, our Islamic
brothers have announced a Muslim Synod on Synodalised Synodding, which is to
be seen as a follow-up from the "Mecca II" Council of the 1960s.
The strangely-familiar synod logo.
We spoke to Mike Al-Potato of the "Where Ali is" blog. "Of course, the Ayatollah Farhan-Zees
is always right, and his Synod should bring the Islamic churches kicking and screaming into
the 11th century," he said. "By the way, everyone who disagrees with me deserves to be stoned."
Sister Nat-Ali Burqua, one of the proposed "synodal mothers", is delighted with this
opportunity to change Islamic teaching. "Should men really receive 72 virgins in Paradise?"
she asked. "Cannot they make do with, say, 24? Also, what's in it for us women?"
Sister Nat-Ali.
One of the synodal experts is Ustan I-Verei, Professor of Canon Law at the Islamic University of Bradford,
and regular contributor to the Taliban magazine. However, as usual, he had nothing interesting
to say, so we'll move quickly on.
The Mecca II prayer-mat used by Ustan I-Verei.
Another topic up for discussion at the synod is the Islamic prohibition on
alcohol and pork. Given that the synodal dinners are to be supplied by the "Saracen's Head"
public house ("Beer and sausages our speciality") we may expect some changes in this respect.
Possibly a bit tactless.
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