Vatican welcomes Olympics opening ceremony

Last week's Olympics opening ceremony has been greeted warmly by Vatican staff and their friends. For any readers who were on another planet at the time, the highlight was a re-enactment of the Last Supper, in which a charming young lady called Miss Piggy (memo: check name) played the part of Jesus.

A spiritually nourishing scene.

Said Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis - the new Messiah?", top synodalist, and part-time kenotic decenterer, "Just as Pachamama was a representation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we see the Olympic scene as a faithful representation of the Last Supper, produced by devout Catholics. My only criticism is that there were no Rupnik murals decorating it."

Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia, president of the Pontifical Academy for Lust, said, "Well of course I have to say I'm condemning it, but after all, everyone, absolutely everyone, wants to sit at the table where Jesus gives his life for all and teaches love." Make of that what you will.

Other highlights of the Olympic opening ceremony included a mocking of the martyrdom of Marie Antoinette who - do we have to keep saying this? - NEVER said "Let them eat cake" (or even "brioches"). For reasons that some of us have never understood, the French like celebrating The Reign of Terror (and they even sing a disgusting song about filling ditches with blood).

Saint Denis is not amused either.

And what of "Pontifex" Francis himself? Well, his Twitter message was "The authentic Olympic and Paralympic spirit is an antidote against the tragedy of war and a way to put an end to violence. May sport build bridges, break down barriers, and foster peaceful relations." As Joe Biden puts it, "And they call ME clueless?"

Which brings us to Fr James Martin, who is of course the leading Catholic bridge-builder, and also a sports fan. "Why is there no Ignatian Yoga event at the Olympics?" he moaned. "We Jesuits could really clean up here."

And now the punch line...

Finally, Paris produced a worthy opening ceremony, as the Sacré-Coeur Basilica remained illuminated, while the neighbouring buildings were plunged into darkness. Sometimes, God shows His sense of humour.

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According to this lookalike, the opening ceremony was intended to be synodal.

The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Next (but not for several weeks): Bad Hymns (again), Synod Jargon (again), and Pope Francis insults.

Quick World Cup of Latin Mass Letter Writers

As is probably well known to most readers, 48 fairly famous people, mostly from the world of writing, music and politics, signed a letter to the Times, making an appeal to the Pope to stop stamping on the Traditional Latin Mass and its adherents (I paraphrase here). This was similar to the "Agatha Christie" letter addressed to Pope Paul VI in 1971, which was largely succesful in its results.

But what should we call this letter, or rather, after whom? The 48 noble signatories are listed below, and I intend to conduct a quick world cup - I want to get it done in 2 weeks, so the rules will be slightly different - to choose one of the names.

Some are very well known, some rather obscure, but I think they all have Wikipedia entries, if you need any help working out who they are. I don't expect this Quick World Cup to be as popular as some others - for example the new World Cup of Bad Hymns, due to run in August - but I will bear this sorrow courageously.

The 48 runners are:

Robert Agostinelli
Lord Alton of Liverpool
Lord Bailey of Paddington
Lord Bamford
Lord Berkeley of Knighton
Sophie Bevan
Ian Bostridge
Nina Campbell
Meghan Cassidy
Sir Nicholas Coleridge
Dame Imogen Cooper
Lord Fellowes of West Stafford
Sir Rocco Forte
Lady Antonia Fraser
Martin Fuller
Lady Getty
John Gilhooly
Dame Jane Glover
Michael Gove
Susan Hampshire
Lord Hesketh
Tom Holland
Sir Stephen Hough
Tristram Hunt
Steven Isserlis
Bianca Jagger
Igor Levit
Lord Lloyd-Webber
Julian Lloyd Webber
Dame Felicity Lott
Sir James MacMillan
Princess Michael of Kent
Baroness Monckton of Dallington Forest
Lord Moore of Etchingham
Fraser Nelson
Alex Polizzi
Mishka Rushdie Momen
Sir Andras Schiff
Lord Skidelsky
Lord Smith of Finsbury
Sir Paul Smith
Rory Stewart
Lord Stirrup
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa
Dame Mitsuko Uchida
Ryan Wigglesworth
A N Wilson
Adam Zamoyski

And this was the letter (you can click to enlarge).

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QUALIFIERS FOR THE SUPER SIX, AS THEY COME IN.

FINAL RESULTS LISTED AFTER THE PHOTOS.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Sir James MacMillan

Princess Michael of Kent

Lord Alton of Liverpool

Tom Holland

Lady Antonia Fraser

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Group 1:
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa 28.2
Princess Michael of Kent 42.7
Tom Holland 29.1

Group 2:
Sir James MacMillan 60.8
Lord Alton of Liverpool 21.6
Lady Antonia Fraser 17.5

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FINAL

Princess Michael of Kent 45.5 v Sir James MacMillan 54.5

So congratulations to the new Agatha Christie, Sir James MacMillan!

The Book of Numbskulls 2 - after the fall of Bosis

After some delay, continued from Chapter 1.

1. Following the fall of Bosis, it was decided that the children of Bri-tain would be led by his servant Trusshua.

But Liz telleth Liz that she will not be around for long.

2. Thus Trusshua went to see the Queen of Elisheba to receive the holy seals of office.

3. And such was the joy of Elisheba that she died three days later, to be succeeded by her eldest son, the King Charlemagne III.

The Lady of the Lake giveth the sword to Charlemagne.

4. So for ten days there was no government, as the country went into mourning, and the critics said: "All goeth very well at present. Can we not mourn for a few more years?"

5. But it was not to be, and Trusshua was obliged to govern. Thus she asked her chancellor, the Quartengmaster, to produce a mini-budgie, which would greatly increase the wealth of the people of Bri-tain.

6. However, the mini-budgie refused to fly, and the people were exceedingly wrathful.

7. Indeed, they stayed wrathful for another eighteen months, as we shall see.

This budgie is not more. It hath ceased to be.

8. Thus it was decided that Trusshua must go. But she spake out boldly, saying "I am a fighter not a quitter."

9. And then she resigned on the next day.

10. So this time the Conservatites decided that voting on a new leader was not a good idea.

11. Besides, if they chose anyone except Rishi the Sunakite, he would destroy the lucky one with plagues of cake and budgies.

12. Thus Rishi went to see King Charlemagne, to tell him that he was the people's choice.

13. And thus he was ready to meet other world leaders too.

Bless you! I'm the people's choice too!

To be continued.

A letter about the Latin Mass

The scene: Pope Francis is relaxing in a deck chair, idly thinking up new punishments that he can inflict upon Cardinal Burke. In rushes (well, waddles) Arthur Roche.

Someone is about to receive a bad shock.

Roche: Holy Father! There's a letter here you must see! We're doomed.

Francis: Oh no! Has Rupnik finally told everyone where the bodies are buried? Quick: book us onto the next plane to China!

Roche: No, nothing like that.

Francis: Sarah, Burke and Zen again? We can ignore them.

Roche: In fact it's a letter to the London Times about the Latin Mass.

Francis: Oh, a few Catholics moaning again? Joseph Shaw? Surely not Vincent Nichols? I thought you'd got him under your thumb? Or is Damian Thompson baring his teeth again?

Roche: No, it's worse than that. It's CELEBRITIES!

Francis (looks at letter): Oh, I've heard of some of these. Susan Hampshire! Stephen Hough! Bianca Jagger! I invited them to the last synod, but they were too busy.

Susan Hampshire discusses the TLM with her spiritual director.

Francis (contd.): Well, if it's CELEBRITIES and not ordinary Catholics, then we have to take action. Oh, but hang on...

Roche: What?

Francis: No Stephen Fry. No Richard Dawkins. No Carol Vorderman. It can't possibly be a genuine letter if they haven't signed it. Phew! It's OK, Arthur, you can carry on with your extermination plans...

No Agatha Christie this time, but Lady Antonia Fraser has some advice for Arthur Roche.

Zen and the art of Michael Lofton maintenance

The story so far:

You are a middle-aged man with a big head and a small beard, running a popular and lucrative website that some days has more than three viewers. Then guess what! Some jumped-up cardinal says cruel things about you!

It is your DUTY to put this Zen chap in his place!

This old man from Japan (memo: check this) dares to criticise Fiducia Supplicans - you know, that very important magisterial letter that told us that homosexual couples should be /blessed/ /shown the door/ /kissed/ /sent off to join the Jesuits/ ... well, we're not sure what, as the rules change every day. Still, priests can probably get away with blessing them provided that they cross their fingers while doing so, do not take more than 16.314 seconds over the task, and provided that the parties do not form a couple, but a pair, or possibly a brace, duo, or dyad. And the blessing must not look like a wedding - so no white dresses, bridesmaids, flowers, crying, or Wagner's immortal tune "Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide."

"I'll bet that this jumped-up cardinal doesn't even have tattoos all over his body!"

Well, you've got this Zen chap over a barrel now. He needs to be laicised, put on the rack, and (worst of all) forced to watch 200 hours of videos from your website "Reason and Theology - only joking, folks!" For he is clearly denying the Hermitage of Continuity, Vatican II, and the divinity of Pope Francis, and he is probably a Buddhist anyway, what with a crazy name like Zen.

Ha ha ha! Serve him right!

But HE BITES BACK. He tells people to stop wasting their "Michael's Pence" on your website, and instead to find a grown-up who knows what he's talking about!

You aren't standing for that! STEP 1: kick the cat. STEP 2: well, we'll think of something.

Next week: Cardinal Zen tells us what he thinks of Austen Ivereigh, Fr James Martin SJ, and "speedy" Cupich - who has just broken the record for the fastest ever Eucharistic procession.

Cardinal Cupich leads the procession (cue Yakety-Sax music).