Glasgow Caledonian appoints a new Catholic Chaplain

Following the sacking of Catholic chaplain Father Mark Morris by Glasgow Caledonian University for the crime of being too Catholic - in particular, holding a prayer service to seek "reparation for the gross offence to God which is Pride Glasgow" - GCU have finally found a replacement who sees no problem with Catholic priests parading in rainbow leotards if it helps to build bridges and promote equality and diversity, inclusivity, whips and leather accessories for all.

Fr Mark - note the offensive painting behind him.

Cardinal "Ted" McCarrick of the St Gallen Mafia had offered his services, but it was felt that this would be a step too far, even for GCU. Besides, it will take another ten years or so for Catholic doctrine to evolve to a point where sexual abuse can be publicly supported (although several of the Pope's closest advisers are said to be "encouraging").

No, GCU has gone for a more respected figure, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ FBPE (we are not sure what the last one is about, but we think the F stands for "fruitcake"). Not only will he refuse to quote the Catholic Catechism on homosexual relations (let alone Biblical teaching on the subject), but he is a man whose Pride knows no bounds.

Getting down with the youth...

Finally, Archbishop Tartaglia, the 40th successor of St Mungo, has complained in the strongest possible terms to the principal of GCU about the treatment of Fr Mark, "a totally orthodox priest, persecuted for upholding Catholic teaching". Only joking, folks!

Note for non-UK readers, Glasgow Caledonian University isn't a distinguished seat of learning, similar to Oxford and Cambridge, nor even a research-led university such as Liverpool or Bristol. It is one of a large number of lesser establishments that now call themselves universities - in this case it started life as Angus McPride's Haggis Parlour.

Catholic must-reads

"NO POPERY" - the Tablet's motto. But what was it originally?

Fr Tim Finigan explores the history of the Tablet, once a Catholic newspaper of repute but now a home for those rejecting orthodox Catholicism. He explains that originally it was produced on stone tablets - hence the name - as a journal of record. Its motto was "NO PAPYRI." However, when it became a serious competitor in the Andrex market, its customers complained of severe discomfort, and so it was printed on paper instead. Curiously, many people still find that the Tablet is a pain in the backside.

The new-look cover of the Tablet

This week's Tablet - an Atheist "must-read" - contains theological and philosophical articles from Yootha Nazier, Abe Ortion and Eugene Ix, explaining how the Catholic church needs to change in order to survive. Also there's a prize competition - simply complete the following sentence in not more than 10 words, and win a night out with the Obamas.

I THINK THE POPE IS WRONG BECAUSE ...

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Archbishop Tartaglia

Over in the Telegraph, Damian Thompson, a former editor of the Catholic Herald, shows that he has not lost his touch as a serious Catholic commentator, when he reveals exclusively that Archbishop Tartaglia of Glasgow is overweight.

Damian is no stranger to religious controversy; for example, he was the first to break the news that Bishop Roche had put on weight. A mere three years later Arthur Roche was forced to flee Leeds and take sanctuary in Rome.

A future archbishop brushes up his Latin.

Meanwhile leading Catholics are hastily dieting and making sure their hairstyles are totally sensible, as they quake in fear, wondering where the "blood-crazed ferret" will bite next.

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Meddling Monk - coffee fit for a Catholic

Finally, on Father Yuletide's blog, the great Fr Y explains that St Arbuck, normally regarded as the patron saint of coffee, was a distinctly dodgy character. He encourages us to buy "Meddling Monk" coffee instead.

St Bean (drinking wine not coffee). Founder of Meddling Monk coffee.

Meddling Monk coffee is made by traditional methods, and is guaranteed not to damage your soul.

Scottish news

Some Scots confused about sex

Startling news comes from North of the Border, where it has been discovered that many Scots have been confused about which sex is which, all along. Consider the following "Lookalike":

Alex Bastedo, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

Alex Salmond, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

It has now finally been explained to some of the less alert Scots that the guys in trousers are usually male (use the door marked "Laddies," chaps!) and the guys in skirts are female ("Ladies").

Alex Salmond has decided that the only way to prevent such confusion in future is to allow for the possibility of same-sex "marriage." However, if you are not sure of the sex of your prospective spouse, then do please ask a qualified doctor to advise you, to avoid embarrassment later.

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New job opportunities for Italian clergy

Viva Italia! Green, white and red

Now that the job of Pope is no longer reserved exclusively for Italians, it has been decided that the post of Archbishop of Glasgow will be the main alternative option for high-flyers. In succession to "Don" Mario Conti, the position has now gone to "Don" Philip Tartaglia, Bishop of Paisley.

Is there a Catholic Mafia in Glasgow?

The position of Archbishop of Glasgow was heavily contested amongst the Italian community, and it was a relief that the succession was established without any serious problems. True, there were a few shoot-outs, car bombs, and garottings, but this is considered to be normal at Masses in Glasgow. It has been agreed in principle that the next Archbishop of Glasgow will come from the Corleone family.

Over in Paisley, life is much quieter, as this picture shows.

A tastefully-dressed resident of Paisley on his way to Mass

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Veneration of relics

The false teeth of Eccles's "Anti Moly," now widely regarded as a sacred relic, continue to make their way round the country, to be venerated by pious Catholics. Here they are seen in Edinburgh, surrounded by adoring crowds.

Relics transported in a special vehicle, donated by the Pope

So far, very few miraculous events have been attributed to the relics. Anti Moly, the original owner of the teeth, is of course not dead, but she is still behaving very strangely. A few of her recent utterances from Twitter:

I think I must have eaten a bad spider last night. The anti-freeze hides the taste.

Will people stop wishing me good night? I find it offensive. Besides I don't sleep at night. WOEFUL.

Do please say a prayer for Anti Moly's return to sanity.