A Pastoral Letter from Bishop Arnold

I've read it so you don't have to - here is a shortened version of the original text.

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Dear Sisters and Brothers in Christ - also all Non-binary and Multigendered Kinspersons!

Today I am writing about three different but closely-related matters of fundamental Catholic teaching.

As our blessed Prime Minister, St Armer of Keir, has pointed out, all the murders, stabbings and other attacks that we have seen this summer are the fault of grumbles by far-right Conservative voters and very far-right Reform voters, and nothing to do with the people who actually committed the crimes, most of whom are peaceful healthcare workers.

It is important for us to stop these extremely far-right trouble-makers, and I take this opportunity of asking you to befriend your neighbours. Ask Mr Mohammed Ali Bayan down the road to come to Mass at my Cathedral - he won't find anything to upset his deeply-held religious beliefs!

Which brings me onto my second subject. Traditionally, September is the Season of Creation, and the Church has been concerned about issues such as the Climate Crisis ever since the 1st Century C.E. (not A.D.!) You only have to look out of the window to see that the weather is hotter colder wetter drier more average than ever before! Why, the plughole in my bath was blocked this morning, causing floods in my bathroom the like of which we have not seen since last week!

God - or at least St Greta - asks us to reduce our energy consumption, to install solar panels in our broom cupboards, to fit windmills under our beds, to recycle our food before eating it, and, above all, to pay more taxes!

The strain of saving the planet has taken its toll on Ms Thunberg.

Finally, connected with both our community building and our care for the environment - and of course with every other important part of Catholic teaching - is SYNODALITY. I have three key questions for you:

How can we persuade people that this is a real Copernican turning point of conciliar ecclesiology?

What would it look like to breathe synodality into each component of academic theology?

Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church?

I must ask that you all participate in the final stages of the synod - by attending meetings, talking a lot, or at least trying to stay awake, and by saying the Diocesan prayer "Stay with us, Lord, in our synodal walking together."

Love and kisses (as Cardinal Tucho would say),

+ Johnny

Justice for Jimmy Martin!

This blog has always stood up for the underdog on the fringe of Christianity. For example, a few years ago we ran a JUSTICE FOR ENA! campaign in support of Dame Ena Beastly, the professor of Catholic Orthodoxy and Human Blossoming at the University of Rosebush. Ena had been going through a bad patch, with people cancelling speaking invitations to her. Nobody knows why, unless it is that they were really hoping for a Catholic.

Justice for Ena!

Admittedly, we did not get very far with our justice campaign, and it is reported that Ena is still not a happy bunny. She has discovered that the Catholic Church is colluding with fascism, because the American bishops did not unite to stop Donald Trump - who is LITERALLY HITLER! When there was the wondrous alternative of Hillary Clinton, surely a saintly person if ever there was one! With a husband who knows how to give a girl a good time!

No, the Church is run by Islamophobic, homophobic, Brexiteering, Nazi, Catholics, who have shunned the wise and wonderful Karl Marx - and why hasn't he been canonized yet if Mother Teresa has? - in order to spread lies, hatred, and poison exactly like ATTILA THE HUN. Don't these people realise that it's the 1970s now?

Today's good cause.

But enough of Ena Beastly. Today's good cause is Fr James Martin SJ, known variously as "Fr Jim", "Jimmy", "cuddles" and "Dan Brown" (for his pioneering views on Mary Magdalene). Sunny Jim was due to speak at a gala for the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre, but has now been disinvited.

"What can I do to help?" you are asking yourselves. "The man may be completely obsessed by LGBTSJ issues, he may preach heresy, he may be in totally the wrong job, but... look, he's a friend of Pope Francis (and a special adviser no less)! He knows Spadaro! Rosica! Steve Colbert! He's a multi-millionaire celebrity author, TV personality, and deep thinker! Why, he's the American version of Stephen Fry!"

Many people owe a lot to Fr Jim.

We Christians are called to help the downtrodden, the faint-hearted, the weak, the poor, the helpless, and the oppressed. Luckily, Jimmy doesn't fall into any of these categories, so we can carry on making fun of him as usual. What a relief!

We must apologise because our "Justice for Jimmy!" campaign seems to have gone off the rails. The man running it has been shot, and we are making approaches to "Stonewall" Jackson, the gay rights activist, to see if he will take over.

There must be some mistake here. That's not God's message at all!