Sunday at the Synod

We don't normally do two consecutive blog posts on the same subject, but as the only reliable (and saved) English-speaking reporter at the Synod in Rome, I have been asked to keep people up to date.

So, it is Sunday, and many of the cardinals, bishops and hangers-on decided to go to church. Last week, we had a real problem with the Gospel, and the bits about divorce being a bad thing were only just passed by a 2/3 majority; even then, Cardinal Kasper sat through the Gospel pulling faces and rolling his eyes.

Today's problematic reading was about the problems of excessive wealth, and as it happened we had Cardinal Marx preaching on this. The way he told it was: Remember that it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle, than it is for a camel to, er...

...er, than it is for a camel to!* It seems that this is the version approved by the German Bishops' Conference.

*Epigram stolen from Rowan Williams Atkinson, I think.

"I'm not even going to try this needle trick."

Since Cardinal Baldisseri had removed all the Bibles, we were unable to check that these were actually the original words,

Earlier, there was an embarrassing scene at the Synod when Archbishop Paul-Andre Durocher of Gatineau spoke out, saying that the Synod should reflect on the possibility of ordaining women as deacons. Mutterings of "Isn't that the topic of next year's synod?" and "I think his personal organizer's on the blink" went round the room. He was eventually reminded why we were here, and other participants were advised that whingeing about the translations of the liturgy was also off-topic, and they'd have to continue saying "communion of the Holy Spirit" and "consubstantial" for another year or two.

"Hello, which synod is this, exactly?"

Finally, I noticed that I was being followed around by a burly-looking man called Tommy Rosica, who kept taking notes. I thought he was merely a journalist, but it turns out that he is also a Catholic priest in his spare time. So I went up to him and said "Morning, Father, I'm feeling particular saved this morning."

He replied, "Are you on Twitter? In that case, you're blocked!"

Apparently he offers the "block of Peace" to all who get in his way, much like the British politician George Galloway. These two spiritual giants should meet some time for a "Block thine enemies" session.

"Little does @pontifex know that I've just blocked him."

LATE NEWS. Cardinal Péter Erdő has been found bound and gagged in his bedroom, apparently to stop him from doing any more "Relatio" stuff. My Italian is a bit rusty, but the police say the prime suspect is a baldisseri, which my new friend Tommy Rosica tells me means "a bald man". But when they have their hats on, it's very hard to work out which of the cardinals is bald...

2 Kings

Well, it may be the height of summer, but my class of atheists still has a long way to go - especially you, Richard - so we'll continue with the Eccles Bible Project, looking at 2 Kings. And Caitlin, if I hear any more name-calling from you, I'll make you stand in the corner.

All right, it's also known as "4 Kings".

Elijah the prophet goes out with a bang. He sends fire from Heaven to consume supporters of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron (everyone happy that we don't believe in Baal-zebub? Splendid.) Soon after that he is taken up to Heaven by a whirlwind, and hands over to Elisha.

Go up, thou bald head!

Elisha, who might more properly have been called Alopecia, is known for summoning two she-bears from a wood; these eat up forty-two children who mocked his baldness. Times have changed a bit since then, and nowadays it is OK, but rude, to comment on a prophet's hair. Sorry, Giles!

Elisha does many more useful miracles, including making rain, multiplying a widow's oil and raising a child from the dead. Richard, there's no need to go ROFL at this point: it's undignified for a 72-year-old retired zoologist to be rolling around on the floor. If you accept the existence of God, then miracles are possible, boy.

Elisha also heals the deadly pottage.

Elisha operates in Israel, in the time of kings Jehoram (evil), Jehu (good), Jehoahaz (evil), and Jehoash (good); if I've got that right - it's not really important. At half time in this book, Elisha dies. Time for a tea break.

Caitlin! We said "tea break".

So we come to the second half of 2 Kings. The political situation is complicated, with Israel and Judah being at odds, and Assyria, Samaria and Egypt (and others) all joining in the fun. We meet Isaiah for the first time - he's in Judah and not really one for spectacular miracles, although he is going to do some great prophesying. Isaiah's got his own book so we'll come to him later.

Homework: Azariah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah were kings in Judah while Isaiah was operating. For each one say whether he was (a) good or evil; (b) successful or unsuccessful. Do you notice a pattern?

Do you find Hezekiah guilty or not guilty?

The book ends badly for our heroes, as Jerusalem is sacked by Nebuchadnezzar, the temple of Solomon is destroyed and many (most?) of the people taken away to Babylon. This will set the scene for later adventures.

Having a lovely time. Wish you were here!

Now, look on the bright side: Babylon is a great place to visit if you are interested in gardening - specifically, hanging gardens. However, at the end of 2 Kings nobody seems to appreciate this.

Deuteronomy

After a hard week attacking rebel Catholics, bad hymns and Dan Brown, what could be nicer than to curl up on the sofa with the book of Deuteronomy? This is part 5 in the Eccles Bible project, where we lead an atheist called Richard to salvation. We are looking at the last book of the Torah/Pentateuch: the word Deuteronomy actually means Second Law, which suggests that someone has miscounted. But never mind.

Deuterium. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy.

Right, let's dive in. We've got 34 action-packed chapters ahead of us. We start off, however, with three chapters of general smiting, and for some reason things go particularly hard for tall people. For example, Moses and his team kill Og of Bashan, the man with a true king-sized bed, 9 cubits by 4 cubits, which is made of iron.

Og of Bashan's iron bed (or perhaps a smaller version of it).

Moses then preaches a few sermons to the Israelites. They are unlike the modern sermon from a church leader, which goes something like this:

"As I was wandering in the desert this morning looking for any men from Heshbon that we might have forgotten to smite, I saw a vulture perching on a rock. 'Squawk, squawk!' he said to me, and I burst into tears, for it reminded me that we are not allowed to eat vultures. In the words of the poet: In for a penny, in for a pound – It’s Love that makes the world go round! Nowadays, we are faced by many real challenges, such as climate change, the need for more wind turbines in the desert, the demand for gluten-free manna and ethically-sourced quails, and of course an end to smiting people on the grounds of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, or favourite football team. But God loves us all. There will be coffee on Mount Sion after the service."

Do not smite this man just because of his footballing beliefs.

No, Moses gets straight to the point and reminds people of the ten commandments; also he explains that they are going to attack all the followers of false gods, and smite them. This is not exactly what you might call "muscular Christianity": they weren't Christians at that stage, and anyway muscular Christians don't really smite people.

Take that, Dawkins minor!

Well, regrettably this is one of the more bloodthirsty bits of the Bible, but in those times it was quite common for people to fight wars against their neighbours. Thank goodness that's all stopped, eh?

Well, I'm fast-forwarding through the next few chapters, which are mostly repeats of earlier teaching (although the text Ye are the children of the Lord your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead, from Chapter 14, verse 1, would repay further study, especially by anyone who feels temped to make some baldness between their eyes.

They're heading for a land flowing with milk and honey.

By the time we get to the end of the book, Moses is now very old; he hands over the reins to Joshua, gives some blessings, takes a look at the promised land, and dies.

If you have been paying attention, Richard, you will notice that the Bible so far mixes legends (with some underlying historical basis), solid history, and the Mosaic law. Next time, we'll look at Joshua's career.

Mosaic law - lots of pieces that fit together.