Jesus holds a Synod

Biblical accounts are a little sketchy about this event, but we have found a little-known contemporary document, the Gospel according to St Blase, which tells of the Synod conducted by Our Lord shortly before He sent His disciples out into the world.

"I'm expecting my successor to die in prison," said Cardinal George to his successor.

According to the Gospel of St Blase, Jesus concluded His moral teaching by saying to His disciples, "Now, of course these are only rough guidelines, and I'm really expecting you to make up your own teachings, as you go forth to preach the Good News. Apostle Judas will provide a 'relatio' to report on your discussions."

"You see, when I told Peter that we were founding a Church, I forgot to mention that it would be synodal in structure. So when the Day of Judgement comes, make sure you bring your passports with you, as the very definitions of Good and Evil will depend on where you came from."

"You, St Matthias, now sitting on the reserve bench, will have the easiest task, as you will be sent to Germany. There you will find that the very notion of sin has been abolished, and all will go to Heaven."

A vision of Heaven - but the Germans have got there first.

St Blase went on to tell how the apostles agreed to abandon notions of confession, repentance, judgement, or absolution, and replace them with a simple soul-searching test that all must pass when attending church. There was to be a simple liturgy at the beginning of every Mass, along the following lines:

PRIEST: How do you feel?

CONGREGATION: We feel great!

PRIEST: And so do I. Let's party!

Those whose consciences are troubling them, e.g. because they have left the gas on, robbed a bank, or murdered someone, shouldn't worry. After all, we're only human - I do the same sort of thing myself!

St Blase wonders why nobody turned up to the party.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic

With apologies, once again, to Gilbert and Sullivan.

All join in the singing, please.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic,
I teach that faith before the 1960s was dia-bo-lic.
The services in Latin we rewrote in the vernacular,
With errors in translation that were really quite spectacular.
We threw out all that chanting in the style known as Gregorian -
It's really just of interest to a dusty old historian!
No ancient hymns we now allow - of classics we won't have any -
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Chorus: 
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Paul Inwood discovers that Bishop Egan won't need him when he's 64.

We tore down all the altars and we put in common kitchen stuff. 
We threw out all the rit-u-als - but did we really ditch enough?
In short we now have services where worshippers at Mass fro-lic, 
According to the model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic.

A liberal Catholic visits a liberal shrine.

I like to read the Tablet, which is edited by Pepinster:
Adored by many bishops, such as Vincent N. of Westminster.
We've Curti, Duffy, Beattie, Stourton, Patten, and Ma Kennedy,
(The last one is a Baroness - for that there is no remedy).
We're very keen on selling all that's best in modern heresy -
The doctrines we support will often shock the modern clerisy.
One thing we cannot stand is any hint of Va-ti-can edict,
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

Chorus:
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

No space to mention Clifford Longley - sorry, Cliff!

With Francis now in Peter's chair, we'll give support conditional:
We hope he'll change the Church's views, but fear he is traditional.
What Christ and the apostles taught is simply not worth stating now:
We'll soon teach you some newer things, it all requires updating now!

"I'll tell you what to say when I've read the Tablet."

In fact, if you can twist Church teaching like a good contortionist,
And say there's nothing wrong when women visit an abortionist,
If you're prepared for family life and marriage to be redefined,
And marry someone of the same sex/ neither/ both/ or undefined -
Indeed, if you have views on Good and Evil of the haziest,
Which could have been made up just now by any half-wit atheist,
In fact if you reject tradition holy and apos-to-lic,
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

Chorus:
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

She'd make a mighty fine bishop, wouldn't she?

Rewriting scripture makes me feel just like a revolutionist,
But some say I am secular, and just a simple humanist,
Yet still, although my traddy critics say my views are sham-bo-lic,
I'm just the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic!

Evil? No, simply a modernist!