How should saved persons vote?

There's been very little about it in the news, but some people may be aware that in the UK we are having General Election on May 7th. In fact, you wait five years for someone to publish a manifesto, and then seven (?) come along at once.

However, most of the nastiest laws that get passed do not even appear in manifestos - do you remember anyone promising us same-sex "marriage", genetically-modified babies, or sex-selective abortion? Or even "yes, ye can shove yer Granny off a bus" legislation (that one seems to have been defeated, at least for the time being). So,burn the manifestos and start again.

Rule 1: All party leaders are villains. Cameron, Miliband, Clegg, Farage, Sturgeon, that thick woman from the Greens whose name I've forgotten... I wouldn't trust any of them to feed my cat if I went away on holiday.

Two unsaved people.

Rule 2. All major political parties contain one or two decent people. Even the SNP - they must do, or the Scottish Catholic bishops wouldn't fawn on them so much. Not sure about the Greens, actually.

Well this isn't getting us very far. You may vote for a saved candidate, and find that his or her leader bites the head off hamsters and performs human sacrifices at the full moon. So we'd better think again about this.

A typical party conference.

If you go to a polling booth, you will be handed a piece of paper looking something like this (without the pictures).

Sir Jasper Babyeater-Smyth (Conservative)

Edna Bully (Green)

Brother Eccles (Saved Persons' Party)

Praying Lord Frank (Monster Raving Loony Party)

Chris Fraud (Lib Dem)

Nicholas Frogbasher (UKIP)

Moira McNasty (SNP)

Cardinal Vincent Nichelieu (World Domination Party)

Arthur Tablet-Freke (Tina Beattie for Queen Party)

Damian Thompson (Custard Liberation Front)

Sid Thugg (Labour)

Well, it's a tough call, but I rely on you to spot the most saved person in that list. If you are not so lucky with your ballot paper and you think that all the candidates are unsaved, then just write "UNSAVED", "VERY UNSAVED", "NO CHANCE OF BEING SAVED", "SAVED? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH", etc. against all the names in turn. This may mean that your vote doesn't count, but it's perhaps the best you can do.

Pope Francis upsets the Turks

Ahmet Davutoglu, Prime Minister of Turkey, has angrily condemned Pope Francis's description of the Ottoman Empire's murder of 1.5 million Armenians as "the first genocide of the 20th century".

"Hey, Francis, we only killed half the population. Not a real genocide!"

Clearly, mentioning this sort of thing is bad manners, and according to poor injured Ahmet "an evil front is being formed before us. Now the pope has joined it and these plots." Apparently, this is the end of the famous saying "Turkey's voting for Christians". Pope Francis, in turn, has responded by giving up turkish delight, which he was going to do anyway, given that doctors had told him he was getting overweight.

The Holy Father is no longer delighted.

We are expecting further outspoken comments from the pope any time now. It is thought that he may mention the War (you know, it involved someone called Adolf Hitler, generally understood to be something of a bad egg), if he can face the wrath of Angela Merkel. Or he may go even further and talk about Stalin, in which case Vladimir Putin won't be sending him any more Christmas cards.

Preparing for a meeting with Angela Merkel.

Of course Turkey is one of our highly esteemed allies in NATO, so that if Pope Francis's tactless mention of the Armenians is to be regarded as an attack on it, then the UK, USA, etc., will be asked to declare war on the Vatican. The UK is already calling up its shock troops, the geriatric ACTA Brigade, which has been dying to have a pop at the pope for several years, especially during this era of diplomatic tension with the Bishop of Lancaster.

ACTA's youth coordinator rushes to the defence of Turkey.

Letters to the Tablet

Highlights of the Bitter Pill's letter page.

I am very upset by the letter from 461 Catholic priests in Britain regarding the maintenance of old-fashioned Catholic teaching on marriage and the family!!?? Don't they realise that we are waiting for the Holy Spirit to change her mind about this one, and until she does we shall scream and scream until you're sick of us??!! The process requires debate, prayer and discernment, but we certainly don't want to hear from a bunch of celibate men!!?? And that includes Jesus!!??

"Sorry, Holy Father, I forgot to post your letter to the Catholic Herald."

Cuddly Walter Kasper has spoken of the Church's living tradition, and the need to create it afresh!!?? After all, what's the point of tradition if it's just handed down by someone else??!! Tradition needs to be developed, otherwise it's just traddy!!?? This rude and naughty letter clearly refutes (or do I mean rebuts?) Kasper's position!!?? Shame on you, you horrid priests!!??

The letter has provoked further controversy within an already fragile Catholic Church - that's not my fault, Peppy, is it??!! Still, congratulations to brilliant Mgr Keith Bottletop of Bayswater for refusing to sign!!?? Good old Bottled-out is Sister Judy's Man of the Month!!??

Possibly not Mgr Bottletop.

So shut up, you horrible priests!!?? ACTA's criticism of the Catholic Church is fine, but we don't want priests reminding people of Catholic teaching!!?? And, EEEK! Sister Moira has told me that a lot of laymen are also signing letters saying that they like Catholic teaching!!?? Where will it end??!! Will Vincent Nichols sign a declaration of faithfulness??!! No chance of that, luckily!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Sr Judy Piranha, CRSS, Chelmsford

Sr Judy and Sr Moira

In The Tablet of 28 March there was an interesting article, which noted that Jesus, according to three of the Gospels, invited Judas to share in the Last Supper, whilst being fully aware of his pending betrayal. See, in those days everyone was allowed to share communion, and encouraged to go out and betray Jesus! Shouldn't this be the practice nowadays as well?

Antony Demon, Northampton.

Judas Iscariot renews his subscription to the Tablet.

---

Of course, there is a more dignified way for droll people to appear in print.

The rest of this drollery is here.

Pope Francis appoints new advisers

Following the appointment of the "Cardinal from Hell", God-freed Danneels, as a special choice for the 2014 Synod on the Family, Pope Francis has now revealed the names of some more "family experts" who will be attending the 2015 Synod with the rank of Cardinal, in order to interpret the will of the Holy Spirit.

Kasper lookalike, Cardinal John.

Cardinal John is known to be an expert on the family, having been married to both a woman and a man at various times. In addition, he is revered for the miracle of the motherless babies. Owing to his quiet and reclusive nature, little is known about him, but our extensive researches on Google have revealed that he is interested in music.

Cardinal Dawkins, the world's oldest teenager.

Although not a Catholic in the traditional sense, it is fair to say that Cardinal Dawkins is inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II, showing that it is possible to be a Catholic without tying oneself down to any particular beliefs. His writings are said to have made more Catholic converts than the entire Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, although he is also known for his sympathetic study of Islam, F*** off, Mohammed, you never won a Nobel Prize! A zoologist, theologian, poet and clown, he has strong views on the morality of allowing children with Down's syndrome to live.

Cardinal Harris, a more controversial choice.

Since Cardinal Harris is currently behind bars for indecent assault, Pope Francis believes that he offers a unique perspective on family life. It may be thought that such a person should not be a cardinal, let alone an adviser to synods, but they said that about Cardinal Danneels too. By giving Cardinal Harris Vatican citizenship, and arranging for his deportation to Rome, Pope Francis hopes that he will entertain the Synod with his famous song "Tie me cardinal down, sport!"

Cardinal Fry adopts a young lad.

No public event would be complete without the presence of Stephen Fry, and as we speak, the organizers of the Arundel and Brighton 50th anniversary festival are keeping him in reserve in case Fr Timothy Radcliffe can't make it - very few people can tell the difference between their views. It is true that Cardinal Fry has condemned Catholics - sometimes in obscene tones - but this sort of language is very similar to what was used at the 2014 Synod when the microphones were switched off. Definitely someone to bring Catholic teaching into the 21st century.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 22

Continued from Chapter 21.

1. And Richard decided to explain the meaning of Easter to his disciples.

Possibly the true origin of the expression "Happy Easter".

2. "For," he said, "is Easter not a celebration of the ancient fertility goddess Ishtar? Standeth it not to reason that they are one and the same, as the names are so similar, eshpecially for one that hath drunk of shtrong wine?

3. Thus Easter is a fertility rite, and this explaineth the eggs, and the bunnies. Hence Christianity is all a myth."

4. And Richard was cruelly mocked, even by the Archdruid Eileen, who listed many other fertility goddesses with similar names, such as Asda and Exeter, together with Esther, she that is called Rantzen.

5. This last was a woman with a large cult of followers, who enjoyed the sight of obscenely-shaped vegetables. She inspired a series of Odd Odes by a prophet known as Cyril Fletcher.

Cyril Fletcher, or possibly an oddly-shaped vegetable.

6. Here perhaps may lie the true origin of many Easter traditions; for example the phrase "That's Life!" is symbolic of the Resurrection, and the Odd Odes survive in the liturgies of Paul Inwood.

7. But then there came others claiming to be the original of Easter, indeed so many that Richard could not deal with them.

8. Some men spoke of the worship of Wooster, a prophet who was aided by a supernatural being known as Jeeves. They sought and found the sacred cow-creamer, which was guarded by a giant in black shorts named Spode. That is, the giant was named Spode, not the shorts.

9. Others spoke of the festival of Euston, by which men attempt the impossible journey that ends in the holy city of Glasgow.

An earthly paradise.

10. As they pass through the sacred lands of Milton Keynes, Wigan and Preston, the faithful encounter terrifying hazards, such as leaves on the line and the wrong kind of coffee on the drinks trolley.

11. In brief, Richard's attempts to find an alternative explanation for Easter fell on stony ground.

12. Instead, he chose the day of Easter as an opportunity to ask of the world a burning question: Who is the most over-rated person in history?

13. "Perchance they will reply 'Jesus', or 'Mohammed', or even 'Buddha'," he said to himself.

14. However, it was not to be. With one voice, the world replied: YOU.

16. For they had concluded that Richard was indeed history.

If the cap fits, wear it.

Continued in Chapter 23.

---

The book of St Richard started here.

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!

Another controversial letter from 461 priests

Following their controversial letter to the Catholic Herald, affirming Christ's teaching on marriage, which was roundly condemned by Cardinal Nichols, the infamous "gang of 461" has sent another inflammatory letter to the magazine.

Introducing a controversial figure into Catholicism.

We are fortunate to be able to reprint the entire text of the letter, as follows:

Dear Sir,

Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium, et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum, Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula. Deum de Deo, Lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem descendit de caelis. Et incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris. Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cuius regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum Sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas. Et unam sanctam catholicam et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et exspecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

Yours sincerely...

"Catholics should be seen and not heard. Except for me, of course."

Already this inflammatory letter has been condemned by Vincent Nichols, who explained that it was clearly improper for priests to make dogmatic statements of Christian belief in the press. As he put it, could they not rely on him to waffle and obfuscate the issues on TV and radio?

The context, of course, is the forthcoming synod, at which an intense debate is expected. If you don't want to know the final result look away now.

[Cardinal Kasper has already written the final report, in which it is decided that Christian doctrine is too severe and lacking in mercy, and that the bits of the creed to do with sin and redemption are no longer appropriate. Also the "Spiritus Sanctus" should now be replaced by the "Spiritus Concilii Oecumenici Vaticani Secundi".]

Other critics of the letter include Gerald O'Collins SJ, who has suggested that the version of the Creed used in the famous 1998 paraphrase of the Mass should be adopted instead. "It's not much fun spending 17 years doing Latin homework, only to be told that I only got a B-minus," he complains. "How was I to know that 'Credo' doesn't mean 'We believe'?"

Pope Francis has so far not commented on the letter to the Catholic Herald. There is a suggestion going round that this is because he is a Tablet-reader, but we think it is just a malicious rumour put about by one of those traddie bloggers such as Mundabor or Rorate Caeli.

Well, never mind the Creed. Buy your priest something to help him smell of the sheep.

Bishop revives "Protect the Pope" blog

Having studied my recent article, entitled Is your bishop saved? Mgr Michael Campbell, Bishop of Lancaster and an old friend of this blog, has decided to do something noble. On his own blog he has attacked ACTA, the dissent group that was a source of many Protect the Pope articles.

"Eccles tells me you may be saved after all."

We have not yet contacted Bishop Campbell for a statement, but we believe that he intends to revive the Protect the Pope blog under another name. So far he has not yet installed a little widget that tells you how long it is since Enda Kenny should have been excommunicated (1 year, 7 months, 4 weeks, 2 days, 13 hours and a few minutes at the time of writing), but I am sure that it will be coming soon.

We are also looking forward to in-depth articles about the evils of QUEST, the Soho Masses Pastoral Council, Tony Flannery, Tina Beattie, Basil Loftus, old uncle Tim Radcliffe and all. Or maybe not, as most of these do not operate in his diocese (when Basil Loftus goes down to London from Ochmahairasee to collect his thirty pieces of silver from the Catholic Times, he always uses the East Coast Main Line, rather than the West, in order to to avoid trouble in Lancaster).

Cardinal Ouellet and friends excommunicate Enda Kenny as gently as possible.

Bishop Campbell's robust attack on ACTA has been vigorously supported by Cardinal Vincent Nichols. "I do not think that secret societies, with their passwords, funny handshakes and odd rituals, provide the best method for conducting dialogue of this sort," he explained. "I much prefer it when people come out in the open and write letters to the Catholic Herald, or else appear on BBC Radio 4 talking to Ed 'Stewpot' Stourton. That's the sort of dialogue the Pope has asked for, not the cloak-and-dagger tactics favoured by ACTA."

Ed "Stewpot" Stourton interviews a member of ACTA.

Anyway, following Bishop Campbell's initiative, we look forward to seeing other bishops follow suit. Will we see a "Protect the Pope (Arundel and Brighton Branch)"? Well, miracles do happen...

In support of our priests, our families, and our Church

A serious post, for only the second time ever. The first time was this.

I have been asked the post the following message.

You may have seen the recent letter from more than 450 priests in support of the Church’s teaching on marriage.

We would like to invite you to sign the letter below, to be sent to the press in support of them, and to encourage others to sign it.

To sign, please leave your name and your diocese in the comments box below, or if you prefer email them to me or to one of the coordinators:

Mark Lambert (mark@landbtechnical.com) or Andrew Plasom-Scott (andrewplasom_scott@me.com)

The Letter:

Dear Sir, We, the undersigned, wish to endorse and support the letter signed by over 450 priests in the recent edition of the Catholic Herald, http://bit.ly/19kuBkl. As laity, we all know from our own family experiences, or those of our friends and neighbours, the harrowing trauma of divorce and separation, and we sympathise with all those in such situations.
It is precisely for that reason that we believe that the Church must continue to proclaim the truth about marriage, given us by Christ in the Gospels, with clarity and charity in a world that struggles to understand it.
For the sake of those in irregular unions, for the sake of those abandoned and living in accordance with the teachings of the Church, and above all for the sake of the next generation, it is essential that the Church continues to make it quite clear that sacramental marriage is indissoluble until death.
We pray, and expect, that our hierarchy will represent us, and the Church’s unwavering teaching, at the Synod this autumn.
Yours faithfully,

Was he a tyrant or a devout Catholic?

This week saw a controversial Requiem Mass in Leicester, and the question on the lips of everyone who saw it was "Not a bad service, but was he a tyrant or a devout Catholic?" Certainly, the prevailing view among Catholics is that Vincent was a bullying dictator, who attempted to silence all opposition and brought shame on the Catholic Church with the wicked persecution of his enemies. But some people do hold other views.

Detested tyrant or devout Catholic? You decide.

The somewhat eccentric Society of Vincent holds a contrary opinion, portraying its hero as a humble and kind man, who owned his own Bible, which he kept in pristine condition by the expedient of never reading it. They say that Vincent was a timid person, who wanted nothing more than to become pope, world dictator and manager of Liverpool football club. His first step was to fight for a total modernization of Catholic teaching on marriage to remove its old-fashioned "Christian" emphasis and bring it more in line with secular values.

Vincent attempts to bully a meek young journalist (unidentified).

However, the judgement of history is predominantly against Vincent. There are claims that he launched a persecution of Catholic priests unparallelled since the era of Queen Elizabeth, forcing the more paranoid of them to install "priests' holes" in their presbyteries. in case his henchmen came knocking at the door. Although he was simply the ordinary of the Westminster Diocese, and not a primate except in the zoological sense, he did not hesitate to interfere with doings in other dioceses over which he had no formal authority.

Vincent himself liked nothing more than having his photo taken, or being interviewed on radio and television; thus, it was all the more shocking when he attempted to imprison 500 priests in the Tower because they had written a letter to the Catholic Herald.

Richard III - humiliated after his death by Vincent.

Said Richard III, a retired king and practising Catholic: "After my death I rested peacefully in a Catholic car-park for 500 years, before being dug up and moved to a Protestant cathedral in Leicester. They mocked me by giving me a funeral according to the rites of my evil great-nephew Henry. The Catholics, who should have known better, sent Vincent to say a Requiem Mass for me; he didn't even realise that Masses should be in Latin, but insisted on saying it in Vernacular (a Liverpudlian dialect). How did such an ignorant man ever become a bishop?"

"It doesn't fit too well, but your head seems to have swollen."

Sadly, Vincent's rule in Westminster was a long history of oppression. Worried that they were revealing too much about his activities, he denounced bloggers as "gossips", saying that they should have no place in the Church. He saw himself as a new St Augustine of Hippo, fighting the Donatists, when he issued a Reflection Document for Clergy on Marriage and Family Life that brought terror into the hearts of the faithful. History does not (yet) record his ultimate fate: did he die in a battle with the faithful and end up buried in a Catholic car-park? Or did he achieve his ambition of becoming Pope Francis II?

Vin the Ordinary, described as a bitter red.

Is your bishop saved?

So 450 (saved) Catholic priests have written a letter to the Catholic Herald, saying, in effect, that they are OK with Christian teaching and don't want to change it. However, there are reports that some senior churchmen have been applying pressure against signing the letter; moreover, the notoriously publicity-shy Cardinal Nichols has rebuked them for communicating with the press, issuing them with a supply of bushels, under which they are instructed to hide their lights.

A quick calculation using my fingers and toes suggests that, if invited, three bishops would definitely have signed the letter, or at most five. The rest... oh dear. As a now-forgotten journalist called Damian Thompson once put it, "The Magic Circle".

This is what a saved bishop looks like (Philip Egan).

It is time for a scientific analysis of our bishops, to decide whether they are saved or not. From Easter I shall keep an informal record of mentions of bishops (or at least the ones I notice) to see whether their actions are those of a saved or unsaved person. So Mgr Egan scored very well this week with his comments on abortion (against), same-sex marriage (against) and family life (for). He probably gets bonus points for upsetting Conor Burns MP.

Of course, some bishops are hardly ever in the news. For example, we have never had occasion to mention Bishop Drainey of Middlesbrough on this blog. Indeed, I suspect that unless you live in the Diocese of Middlesbrough you may not have heard of him (and possibly not even then).

Terence Drainey. Nice chasuble, but saved status unknown.

How about an unsaved bishop? Well, to take a hypothetical example, suppose that a bishop stopped one of his deacons from writing a totally orthodox Catholic blog, and gave a misleading account of the whole affair? Would he not be in a state of sin (and unsaved) until he repented and that deacon's gagging was ended? No matter how many worthy deeds he did in the mean time?

Ugh. Let's have another saved bishop.

Another saved bishop (Mark Davies).

So how can a bishop score points? Positive things are easy, but unfortunately rather rare: defend Catholic teaching, especially when it is attacked by MPs who really belong in the Goon Show; ban the Tablet; refuse to allow Timothy Radcliffe or Tina Beattie to speak on church property in your diocese; stick up for people who want traditional forms of worship; set up a fifty-mile-radius exclusion zone in which Paul Inwood's music is banned; you know, do all the things they taught you to do at bishop-school.

Negative things? Prevaricate about Catholic teaching; bully your clergy if they show signs of orthodoxy; encourage the Tablet; join in dodgy ecumenical services with Muslims and Hindus; invite dissident speakers; cosy up to ACTA... well of course none of the bishops would ever do such a thing.

Eccles (L) watches a very senior bishop to see whether he is saved.

Naturally, other countries have unsaved bishops too. There are distressing accounts of Bishop Bootkoski of New Jersey giving the bootkoski to Patricia Jannuzzi, a teacher in a Catholic school who defended traditional marriage. Well done, bishop: Cardinal Dolan, the Grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride Parade, would be proud of you.

"Show her the door, 44!" Bootcatholic calls out the Bingo numbers.

Rhino Marx in "A Week at the Synod"

It has been announced that the sole surviving Marx Brother, Cardinal Reinhard "Rhino" Marx, long regarded as one of the funniest of the team, is to star in a new film A Week at the Synod.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

The basic plot of the film is that Rhino takes the part of Rufus T. Moneybags, the chairman of the German Bishops' Conference. He has become extremely rich as a result of a dodgy "church tax", and wishes to declare independence from the Catholic Church, citing the precedent of the great Martin Z. Luther. This will enable the German church to become even richer, and make up its own rules, such as rejecting all the traddy Christian teaching about marriage and the family.

In the words of Rhino: "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any church that will have me as a member."

"There ain't no Sanity Clause for cardinals." Rhino with "Chico" Baldisseri.

Naturally, the repressive Roman Church, led by businessman Francis I. Pope, is opposed to the Moneybags "Go it alone" policy, but at the Synod Francis is told in no uncertain terms: "From the moment I picked up the Catechism until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

Time for reflection: Rhino and "Harpo" Kasper, the one with nothing useful to say.

Eccles verdict: the characters played by Marx, Baldisseri and Kasper are as ludicrous as any we have ever seen, but the plot is totally implausible. Watch out for veteran comic Tina Beattie in the "Margaret Dumont" role of the foolish old woman.

Salve, salve! Basil Loftus takes on the Gestapo

We have to thank Joseph Shaw for drawing our attention to the heroic words of Mgr Basil "Lofty" Loftus of the Catholic Times:

Like the Gestapo in the Channel Islands during the last war who had to admit that they couldn't make everyone speak German, but forced them to drive on the right-hand side of the road, that Congregation had, regretfully, to admit that it could no longer make everyone worship in Latin, but by means of an unintelligible translation it would force them to conform to an alien culture in order to demonstrate its own superiority.

"It is I, le cleric!" Basil Loftus reveals himself to an amazed audience.

We are in the early 1960s. It is over 1500 years since the Romans left Britain, but still the hated Catholic Church attempts to force its people to worship in Latin. Luckily, as seen in the television series Salve, salve! there is a heroic resistance movement in which Lofty is a key player.

Hated and feared by all is a theological consultant by the name of Josef Ratzinger of the Gestapo, whose main aim is to suppress the use of "vernacular", a language spoken by everyone, and insist on Tridentine rites that nobody has ever been able to understand.

The hated Herr Ratzinger of the Gestapo.

Resistance to the Nazis is centred on the Vatican II café, where Lofty the pianist plays a selection of his favourite Catholic songs, including "It ain't necessarily so," and "Imagine there’s no Heaven." These are later expanded into hard-hitting heretical articles for the Catholic Times satire page.

Vernacular is a difficult language to master, and Lofty's own preferred translation of the Mass, which begins with "Good moaning!" is clearly defective in some respects. Moreover, his style is based less on "Listen very carefully I shall pray this only once" than "Don't bother listening to me now, I'll be saying the same again next week, or maybe something sillier."

Mgr Basil "Don't mention the war" Foltus.

Unfortunately, Lofty gets crazier as time goes on, and it obliges his listeners to put cheese in their ears if they wish to maintain their sanity. The war against the hated forces of Latin continues, and victory is by no means assured.

The Timothy Radcliffe road show (with added Inwood)

Are you planning a Catholic event? Are you worried that it may be too Catholic? These days we've got to be more inclusive, and we need to include Catholics of all shades of opinion: Protestant, atheist, Muslim, ... We don't want to give the impression that being a Catholic is anything to do with what you believe in, as if Catholics somehow rejected liberal secular values! Luckily we've got just the speaker for you - Fr Timothy Radcliffe!

Timothy Radcliffe (R) with John Allen Jr, a poor homeless man.

Fr Radclife, once ludicrously tipped to succeed Basil Hume as Archbishop of Westminster, is known as a dissident from Catholic teaching on sexual ethics. Actually, I'm not sure what else he's known for, as dissidence seems to keep him very busy. A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses, a man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain, a man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations - yes, he's just the man to make your Catholic event more liberal. And here are some examples!

Flame 2 - a "yoof" listens raptly to Fr Radcliffe,

Consider Flame 2, then. An event for the "yoof" of today, or middle-aged men pretending to be "yoof-ful". With special yoof-ful guest, Cardinal "I don't think the midterm report was a mistake" Tagle, a hero of the Extraordinary Synod, and just the cardinal to invite if you think Burke is being too, er, serious about his faith. Radcliffe was there, too, as a man who knows how to inspire the yoof!

A yoof-ful Radcliffe.

Now pop over to Vaughan House, near Westminster Cathedral, and listen to Fr Timothy give a Lenten talk on Tolerant and Free despite being Catholic? Subtext - don't let Catholicism get in the way of your liberalism. Are there no limits to this man's ubiquity? Incidentally, Cardinal Nichols, don't think we didn't notice that all four speakers are male Catholic priests - no women priests, not even a Tina Beattie. You sexist trad!

I went to Vaughan House, and all I got was this lousy mug.

The Radcliffe roadshow continues, and unless you've bought one of those tee-shirts listing all his gigs you may not be able keep up with the man. However, the best is still to come. Over at Arundel and Brighton they're celebrating the 50th anniversary of the diocese, as we have mentioned before.

Many of us were hoping that Timothy Radcliffe would be the next bishop of A&B - after Cormac and Kieran he would have kept the comedy tradition alive - but it was not to be. Mgr Richard "Tiger" Moth, Bishop of the Forces, will be the next occupant of "Conry Towers" in Pease Pottage. That leaves a vacancy of course, and if they were to change the name to "Bishop of the Farces", then I would be happy to write a testimonial for Radcliffe.

"Tiger" Moth prepares to land at Pease Pottage.

But we digress. One of the stars of the Arundel and Brighton mega-party is a certain Fr Radcliffe. The best is yet to come, though, and this is a reason why you definitely mustn't miss the fun.

Help is at hand for those who've had too much Radcliffe.

As reported by Men Are Like Wine, Paul Inwood has written a Jubilee Mass for the Arundel and Brighton event. Apparently Lady Gaga was unavailable. As a Lenten penance I decided to listen to the first few tracks. Going into the wilderness of the Inwood, that's the sort of thing I do so that you don't have to.

Track 1: Gathering Song. What do you mean, you didn't know the Mass included a gathering song? To be fair to Uncle Paul, it's not too bad, if you like "socially relevant" songs that only mention God as an afterthought. Still, the tune is a little banal, and the use of irreverent-sounding chords sounds as if Uncle Paul wasn't paying attention in his basic harmony classes.

Track 2: Gathering Chant. Here I started biting the carpet. "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo"??? Well, that's what it sounds like. Listen to it yourself, if you don't believe it. These wordless noises don't really work. Same tune as in 1, with extra moo-sic.

Shouldn't that be "PARATE VIAM DOMINI MOO-OO-OO"?

Track 3: Kyrie. Not too bad, really, although it doesn't sound spiritually nourishing, or even particularly original. He even uses the traddy Greek words. Could we have misjudged Uncle Paul? No, of course not.

Well, I think I've suffered enough Inwood, so I'll stop there.