Off to Seel Beech

Bosco, Anti Moly and I has decammped to Seel Beech for 2 weeks. Frankly we was gittin a little unpoppular in de nieghborhood, and we decidded to lie low for a while. Dis have givven me de opportunnity to make some sand scluptures of my luved ones dat poeple can come and kiss if dey wants to.

De fust one I did was of Bosco wiv a chane saw as he goes out to convert some Cathlics (a lotta poeple at Seel Beech aint saved, and we has gotta keep doin de Lords will, or on de Day of Jugdement dere will be only Bosco and me in de winning teem).

Den I deccided to do a sclupture of my beluvved Anti Moly, wiv a cat dat she picked up somewhere. Nobody seems to want to kiss dis one.

We has also discovvered an interrestin tobm. I dont fink it can be any rellation of Anti Moly's, but it sure is mysterrious. Does it mean dat she is giulty of an imperssonation? Dat's what sockpoppets does, but I thuoght my anti was above such things.

Well, I will send more bulettins from Seel Beech when time permitts. I is workin on my scluptures (perhapps I will do one of Damain Thopmson next), Bosco is savin poeple, and Anti Moly is takkin de oportunity to catchup on her rollin aruound on de beech.

Oh, and now a word from de sponssor.

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DOES YOU SUFFER FROM EXTREEM PRESURE?

WE GOT DE SOLLUTION.

RECCOMENDED BY ANTI MOLY. HELPS YOU AVOID FITS AND SIEZURES.

Dat sockpoppet relligion

My grate-anti Moly says dat sockpoppetry is a Cathlic fing, and so Bosco sent me to a Cathlic mass to see if dat was reely the case.

So I went incoggnito to de church of de Sacrred Socks of St Micheal. I was met by a saintly pollite courtoeus man who gave me a hynm book, and said he was a laywer who worked for de internattional firm of Cutley, Butley and Mutley. He asked me a strange quetsion, viz, "How manny poeple is you gonna be todday?" Dat's odd. Usaully when we goes into de Calumny Chappel dey asks a much simpler quetsion, viz, "Is you saved, bruvver?"

I went into de churhc, and de service was given by a costume holly man who said he was de Bishopp of Bennidrom. He startted de Mass, although he went off to de vesttry after a while, probbably to kiss an iddle. Dis is a pitcher of de Bishopp of Bennidrom.

Later on I remmember a disgustin old lady takin de collecttion, carryin a broom stick wiv which she kept hittin poeple. She was wearin a pointy hat and looked just like my Anti Moly. Anuvver person I spotted in de church was bein a bit of a trubble-maker, frankly. When one of de costume holly men said "Lift up your hearts," he said "No I won't. ROFL." Then when de preist said "The Mass is ended, go in peace," de man said "No it isn't. No I won't. Twist and Shout."

To my astonnishment at the end of de Mass I realissed dat de laywer, de bishopp, de old lady and de trubble-maker was all de same person. In fact, thinkin about it I now realises dat nearly everryone in de churhc had bin goin out and comin in in different disgiuses (dere was annuvver one who dressed up as Stallin, den he came back wavin a cricket batt, dat confussed me, as we doesnt have dem in de Calumny Chappel, if we needs to chasstise kids we uses baseball bats).

Dey explaned it to me dat since God is 3 pussons (de Trinnity), de Cathlics fink dat dey shuold also be 3 pussons as well. My Anti is certianly wanted by de cops in Enggland, Austriala and de USA under de names of Judy, Alfie and Moly, so I asked her if she was plannin to become a Cathlic. Now I got her flase teef embedded in my leg, dat probbably means no.

I luvs my dere Anti so here is a new photto of her.

Bite Jessus Bite

Todday at de Calumy Chappel we had one of Bosco's favorite hynms.

Lord we's saved and we's goin bitin,
It's de folk who aint saved dat we's fihgtin,
Jessus bite on de world, bite now wiv us,
Help us bite wiv de the teef dat You bring us,
Bite wiv me. Bite wiv me.

Bite Jessus Bite,
In dis land make dem boddies gory.
Blaze Spirrit blaze,
Set deir churhc on fire.
Flow rivver flow,
Drown dem all in de dirty water.
Send forth Your teef
Lord and let's have a BITE.

Dis is a stattue dat we is puttin up outside de Calumny Chappel, it symbollises Jessus de Way, de Toof and de Bite. De two guys in front is iddles of saints dat was dellivered by misstake, we is gonna have to git rid of dem.

De manny fans of Bosco has been askin to see a photto of de place where he spends many happy huors bloggin, and a freind of ours droped in and took it for us.

I aint got time for fambly news now, jist an advert to finnish off.

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DOES YOUR OLD FOLKS CUASE A LOT OF FRICCTION?

WE HAS GOT DE ANSER TO ABBRASIVE RELLATIVES!

PUT IT IN DE OLD GIRLS COCO AND SHE WILL SLEEP LIKE A BABBY.

Savin de sole of Peter

Bosco is indeed loved by de Lord. You will recall dat he won a stattue in a compettition, but in de end it got sent back, and he was waitin for a repplacement prize.

Today de new prize arrived. It aint a whole stattue, just de foot of one. It was too big for de house, so we stuck it in de gardden.

Dere was a labbel attached to it, "St Peter". Dis is one of dem Cathlic saints dat we in de Calumny Chappel aint too happy about, but Bosco finks we might be able to save him if we makes an effort and prays for his sole. So we is gonna kiss de foot every day as part of our devottions. We knows it annoys de Pop, so dat's a bonnus.

Our daley warship also includs bowin down to de Calumny Chappel Dove, prayin for Anti Moly to recover her sensses - Fridday is her reggular meltdown day and we aint gonna git much sleep tonihgt - and shoutin "YOU AINT SAVED" at de kids goin to de muvvers-and-toddlers gruop, sure dey bursts into tears but de Moms knows we is doin it in de Lord's name.

Bosco aint doin to well wiv his thoelogical ressearch right now. What he usually does is type somethin into Goggle e.g. "Cathlics is all pigs" or "Cathlics is all rappists" and cut and paste de ressults into Damain Thopmson's blogg. Sometimes he misstypes, and so readers is rather nonnplused to get an article on Cathodes - Bosco used dat to explane dat, when dere aint nuffin good on de tellevision, de Pop likes tyin ellectrodes to poeple and den switchin on de current - and anuvver one on Catterick - which is an army campp, and Bosco used dat to prove dat the Pop likes shootin poeple wot owns Bibbles.

Still nobody reads Bosco's posts in detale, so a few little errors aint gonna be notticed.

My bruvver still aint mannaged to get a proper hallo and wings to wear in de street to show to poeple dat he is saved. Dis is what he is gonna wear to a job interveiw wiv de local unddertakers (more detales next time, perrhaps).

De two hallos you is carryin is good Bosco, but saved poeple doesnt normally wear a lake of fire on de head, and I fink you has been sent rings not wings, did you misstype de order? Bosco's typin aint all that good, which is odd as I aint nevver had any probblems.

Well, we gotta do an advert, so here goes.

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FOR DE CATHLIC WOT LIKES SOCKPOPPETS

GIT YOUSSELF A BOSCO IDDLE

WHY NOT GIVVIM A BIG KISS?

Free massons

Bosco fuond some interrestin articles about free massons todday, and de Calumny Chappel asked him to give a letcher on de subject. Dis is an honour dat dey gives to grate shcolars wot is able to edducate themsselves by using Wikkipedia and Goggle. (Bosco never got a Unniversity degree. He studdied Anattomy at UCLA in de evenings, but he had to stop dat when dey put curtians on de girls winders.)

He told us dat de Pop is a free masson dats how he got to be Pop cos lots of de carddinals wot voted for him is also free massons. When dey goes into de conclav to ellect a Pop dey has to roll up dere trouser legs (apparrently dese costtume holly men wears trousis under dere cossacks, we knows someone who looked frew de winder of de changin room), and dey got a funny handshake which dey calls de blessin.

De Calumny Chappel is very impressed by Bosco's letchers, cos dey gonna save lots of poeple. Dey has already put up a posster advertisin de next one he's gonna give.

Bosco he aint so impressed by dis, and he finks dat dey shuold use dis posster, which shows dat he is a powerfful figger able to take on nuns single-handed.

We is findin it hard to make ends meet rihgt now, so I gotta put in two more adverts.

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BUY BOSCO SYRRUP!

EVERRYONE KNOWS DAT BOSCO IS THICK AND RICH.

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EVEN LITTLE PHOLAS CAN BE SAVED.

Is your doggie Gayy or Lebsian? De Calumny Chappel, in assocciation wiv de BLT poeple, has got a Calumny Chappel Dove Cossack, for de doggie wot needs savin.

Sorry, Anti Moly, dis is SEX, but Bosco said it was OK, cos it's only doggies.

Bad day for Bosco

Well Bosco had a bad day. As I explaned he was gonna get himself a hallo and wings, so dat poeple in de street would nottice him and say "Dis man is saved." His first attempt at dressin like an angle weren't very sucessful, but he was certtainly notissed. We gotta try another shop, Bosco, dere is somefink sutbly wrong wiv your costtume, I rekcons.

Den he got into trubble for tryin to set fire to a shop dat was sellin iddles. De spiritaul juorney of a saved pusson aint always easy, Bosco my dere.

Bosco is very cross dat de Pop has been to Maddrid. "Why does dey let him go to World Youf Day when he's 84?" he asked me. "Dat's nearly as old as Anti Moly! It just shows dat dem Cathlics cant get any yuong poeple to go."
My thoery is dat de Pop is there to sell his books, cos he writes a lot of dem, and also to conficsate any Bibbles dat he finds, as Cathlics aint allowed to read de Bibble like we does.

Brakin news: Anti Moly has been releesed from St Hysteria's hopsital, even thuogh she's still cakcling uncontrolably. Here is a photto of her on her way home to her loved ones (Bosco and Eccles).

Finally, dis blogg is now gettin some sponssorship and so I gotta put adverts on it occassionally.

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IS YOUR SOLE DIRTY? DEN USE CALUMNY CHAPPEL SOPE TO WASH YORE SINS AWAY.

WE GAURANTEES YOU IS SAVED, OR ELSE YOU GITS YOUR MONNEY BACK.

ALSO GOOD FOR CLEENIN STATTUES AND GRAVVEN IMAGGES.

Bosco is trully saved

Bosco, my dear bruvver, I has taken a pitcher of your girlfiend's duaghter dat you can put on your luvvly blogg wiv all de pitchers of Pops kissin each uvver and nasty relicks. She's a luvvly girl aint she, so I fink I'll put a photto on my blogg too, althuogh when dey lets her out of de funny farm hopsital Anti Moly will say it is SEX.

Well, enuogh of dese romatick fings. De good news is dat Bosco is trully saved, as de Lord sent an angle down to see him and tell him. She droped in today, and I took her photto standin next to Bosco. I fink dat my bruvver was feelin a little inseccure about bein saved, so it is good to get reasurance directly from Jessus.

Bosco he have reackted very well to dis visit from the angle, he sang a little song sayin dat his sole mangified de Lord, but I didnt write it down. Bosco have decidded dat it is time he let his lihgt shine on de world. Dat means, he will save more poeple if dey can see him comin, and know dat he is one of Gods ellect. So Bosco have decided to git hold of a hallo and some wings, dat he can wear when walkin down de street.

Meanhwile Bosco, I is very concerrned as I has fuond dis iddle of St Pancrass. I knows it is St Pancrass, as I got it from Goggle, which Anti Moly assures me is de fuont of all wissdom, appart from your blogg, that is.

Illness in de fambly

My Grate-Anti Moly is sufferin badly from Roflitis. As I has mentoined before, she gits dese spamsms when she can do nuffin but cakcle and roll on de floor. Sometimes it even happens in de street, when she is on her way to de gin shop.

Here is a sample diallog dat we has.

Bosco: Anti Moly, Hunny, I has to point out to you dat you aint saved, and dat your stateu of de celebritty blogger Cutley is a cement iddle. Whats wuss, he is a Cathlic and destinned for de Lake of Fire.
Anti Moly: Rofl!
Eccles: My dere bruvver Bosco is rihgt, Anti. You is a lost sheep wot Jessus wants to save. Dey say he's very good wiv bad-temppered sheep and dem sheep what drinks too much. Anti, I finks dat gittin saved mihgt be a wise move.
Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl!
Eccles: Bosco my dere, I gonna sing a Calumy Chappel hynm to our dere Anti.

We is brihgt and beuatiful,
Our preechers dey is wise,
God says we is wonderful
And goin to de skies.

Each little nun you beat up,
Each little concrete dove,
Dey shows we's gonna meet up
Wiv rapture all above.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

We don't care if we sins now,
Cos dey is all forgaved.
We does just what we likes now,
Because we all is saved.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl! Rofl!
Bosco: Shut up Eccles, or does I mean Hilda? My head is achin again.

Anyways, Anti Moly is currently havin a rest cure in St Hysteria's hopsital for de danggerously silly, and we hopes dat dey will be able to cope wiv her. She started by frowin de encephologrom apparattus out of de winder, but now dey straped her down and is tryin to cure de Roflitis.

It aint all bad news. Bosco has stopped sleepin in a box, and avoiddin de daylihgt, so perhaps he is gettin over de shock of bein bitten by Camila. He is still pinnin for de fat acktress called Hildda tho. He discovvered dat she gotta duaghter and he wants to take dirty phottos of her for his own blogg. Dat's very rude Bosco, and I cant fink of many saved poeple who puts dirty phottos on dere bloggs.

Bosco in luv

I fink it was a mistake to git an actress to go out to dinner wiv Bosco prettendin to be de leggendary Hilda. I aint yet posted her pitcher, so here she is eatin a bananana, she's a big girl, aint she? Dere's anuvver photo on Bosco's own blogg.

Bosco finks she's addorable, but I fink she would be very expenssive to feed. Anyways, whenevver anyone telephons, Bosco gits out of de box he's sleepin in, russhes to de phon, and says "You is Hilda, aint you?" So far he have said dis to:

1. Someone trying to sell dubble glazzin, who heard dat Anti Moly keeps brakin winders when Damain Thopmson's blogg gets too excitin. Dey fink we'll need reinfforced glass.
2. Fr X. O' Cise of de Cathlics, who wants to explane to Bosco about worsship. I'll say more about dat bellow.
3. Our dere Mom, wot phons up once a month to remindd us to change our socks.
4. De pollice tellin us dat dey had fuond Anti Moly's pair of flase teef wot she lost yesterdday.

None of dem was Hilda. It's traggic, innit?

Anti Moly's teef was fuond embedded in de leg of Sister Terresa of de Cathlic Order of de Little Sisters of St Septiceamia, what looks after de sick and hypocondriac. Dats irronic as Sister Terresa aint feelin too good herself now, it mihgt be tetternus.

Dis worhsip fing is a dreddful habbit dat Cathlics got. Bosco says dat when Jessus comes again in Glorry - dat's de Rapture, for which we buoght pussonalised tickets at de Calumny Chappel Chritsmas Bazarre - de Cathlics is all gonna say "Git lost, we wants your Mom."

In de Bibble it aint never recordded dat Jessus kissed his Mom, so dat proves dey didnt git on too well. She didnt even give him luvvin phon calls like Mom does when she tells Bosco "Change your socks you repptile, and stop writtin dat pathettic blogg." Father X. O' Cise says dat Cathlic worhsip aint quite like that but Anti Moly backs us up, she says she got rells who was Cathlics and dey spent all dere time kissin iddles so dat proves it.

Well, dats enuogh tholeogy for now.

Bosco, I is very shokced. Your herro Richard Dakwins, who gave you dat awarrd for your luvvly blogg, have been seen wiv a statue of Juppitter dat he was clearly plannin to kiss. Have he got no shamme?

Makin my peas wiv Anti Moly

As you saw on de previuos blogg, I was very cross wiv Anti Moly for sayin dat dere was SEX on dis blogg. But bein a holy and saved persson, I decidded to forgiv her. So I got her a peas offerin, some luvvly flowers. Well we aint got many flowers in de gardden, but I picked her a bunch of luvvly homlocks and netles, its de thuoght what counts. It aint easy to find it in de Bibble but I is sure dat Jessus would have done de same if his Anti had been mean to Him.

Den I took dem flowers to her room, and was startin a speech I had preppared, viz "Anti Moly we is all God's creetures, and dat includdes you who aint saved and who is gonna end up in de lake of fire. Sorry if I is bein a bit tactless in mentionnin dis rihgt now. My hart is pure and I has forgivven you your wikced libbles about my blogg."
But I didnt get dat far, as she snatched de flowers from me wiv a cry of "Lunch! At last!" and gobled dem down.

I finks we is freinds agin now, and I took Spot de dog for a walk, he's a good dog, but when you throws sticks for him, you has to throw three of dem, or else de three heads (Micky, Rutzi and Rofls) starts to fihgt. Anyways, Anti Moly says he prefers bons.
"Where does I get bons?" I asked Anti.
Anti Moly said, "Ask de bucther for some bons, or else de undertakker."
I went to see de bucther and he said "I'll save some bons for you, Eccles."
"Dat can't be rihgt," I repplied. "If dey is alreddy bons, den it's too late for dem to be saved. Pastor Vermicelli told me dat." Some poeple just dont understannd evangellical thoelogy.

Anyways, Bosco is behavin very stranggely after bein bitten by Camila. He has ordered a wooden box and says he wants to sleep in it all day.

Dat may seem lazy, but Bosco says dat he will go out at nihgt and save passers-by, so I guess it's OK.

Eccles and Bosco is pure

I is very cross wiv Grate-Anti Moly, cos she has been spreddin rumors about me. She told her frends dat my luvvly blogg was full of SEX. Dat aint nice, Anti Moly, cos I is pure in hart and I has been saved. Likewise if you looks at Bosco's blogg you will see dat he never mentions SEX on it. He dont even know what de word means, we was both away when dey did dat in shcool.

We got all sorts of pevrets singing into my blogg now and leavin nasty messages. I fink dat Anti Moly told dem dat it was de place to come for pornorgaphy and dey was dissapointed.

Dis Moly is my own flesh and bludd, viz Mom's Anti who was bannished to Austriala and escapped to visit us. If she weren't our fambly, I would be phonin dem pollite and courtoeus laywers, Cutley, Butley and Mutley, to help me soo her for libble. I gotta reputtation to deffend, I is workin hard as a Telegrahp Muddlerator over de summer. Bosco aint gotta reggular job, but he got a key positoin in soceity as a part-time Calumny Chappel Sundy School Teecher, Kid-dissciplinarrian, Nun-torturrer, Cement Dove-polisher, and Buoncer. Also he is repsonsible for our Mission to Save de Cathlics, althuogh he aint got very far wiv dat.

Dis is my laywer, bein kissed by an angle becuase he is saved. Anti Moly you libbles me at your perril.

Well, Bosco got into deep trubble wiv Camila Van Pyre his reggular girlfiend, after he went out to a big dinner wiv an acktress who told him her name was Hilda (dis was explaned last time). Camila came round and screemed at him "Dubble-dealin two-timin crettin!"
Anti Moly chimed in wiv screeches of "Sockpoppet!"
We got a tellephone call from de neihgbours complainin about de niose "If dat's de Calumny Chappel Chior Practise, cuold you do it more queitly?" dey said. "But de quallity of your chorral signing is sure gittin better." Dey is reely dubm we doesnt sign any hynms about Cathlics bein dubble-dealin two-timin crettins, except at funnerals.

Bosco he got cross and said "Bite me!" and dat was not a good move, as Anti Moly's 3-headed dog (we is callin him Spot now) gave him some nasty wuonds in de leg, and Camila bit Bosco in de thraot. I gotta nasty feelin about dis, Bosco.

Here is a touchin romantic pitcher of Bosco and Camila.

Bosco gotta see a dentist tomorrow, his teef seems to be growin suddenly. Also he refussed to eat de garlic bread we had wiv our dinner. Dey say dat cupples start to ressemble each uvver, and I fink Bosco is adopttin some of de habbits of Camila Van Pyre.

Bosco's feast

De cellebrations of Bosco's birfday continnues, dis is like de Lords feast dat we is invited to as we is savved, and Bosco says we gotta practice by eatin a lot.

As you may know, Bosco is obssesed by a dame called Hilda, and he gits very confussed and says dat it is me sometimes. So I fuoght I would help him wiv dis probblem. Since we aint far from Holywood, I mannaged to book an acttress to come along and say she was de leggendry Hilda wot Bosco is seekin. Dis acttress is a very big girl.

Bosco invitted her out to de resteruant, where de sing says "Be greedy, eat what you wants for $17. Disscount if you is saved."

Dis was what Bosco ate:

Pasta Dave.
Leftover stew, made with food dat's been saved.
"Cement" doves wiv gravy in image.
St Peter's rock cakes.
Donuts a la Damain Thopmson.
Chocolate Boscoits in a lake of fire.

De actress Hilda had a meal which makes me fink she aint saved. It was suet puddin dumplins deep fried puddins frenchfries whole roast pig wiv an apple in de mouf whole roast sperm whale wiv a shark in its mouf six fried hippopotamuses and (dis is de healthy opttion) a lettice leaf.

She's a big girl and no mistake, and Bosco put a pitcher of her on his blogg, sayin dat she was his girlfiend. I fink Camila gonna be very cross when she knows about dis.

We got Bosco a new costtume for goin to de Calumny Chappel, it is to disguisse de fact dat he have put on a lot of weihgt.

I gonna finnish wiv a happy pitcher of Anti Moly walking her new dogg. We aint got a name for it yet. When she calls it she screems "Sockpoppet", but den she screems dat at everyone.

Bosco's birfday pressent

It was Bosco's birfday, and now dat de banddages was off Bosco was able to enjoy it to de full. I had saved up my monney and buoght Bosco a lovely religuos arttifact, viz a stattue of St Peter for de gardden. Bosco he was not very pleased by dis, he said it was an iddle and he knokced de head off.

Here is Bosco's birfday pressent after he got cross wiv it.

"Dat stuppid Eccles he aint never got de hang of iddles," he said. "He finks de saccred dove of de Callumny Chappel dat we bows down to is an iddle, and he dont recognise a real blashpemy when he sees it. He aint gonna be saved liked me."

Dem's creul words Bosco, and what's more he still seems to think I is called Hilda, dats crazzy. We was gonna frow de stattue out, but Grate-Anti Moly said she mihgt have a use for it, and she got a scluptor to make a new head to her own dessign.

"Dat's luvvly," she said. "You can see dat he is a pius saintly wise pusson, not like dem traddie Cathlics."

She sez it is de cellebrity blogger Cuttley. What's more he have written a best-sellin commic novell and will be visitin Lost Angels soon to sing coppies of it. But Bosco sez he aint saved.

Savin de doctor

We had de doctor ruond to see Anti Moly as she had an attack of roflitis, dats a serious illness she gets when she hears a joke and mannages to undderstand it (which frankly aint very often). She luaghs hysterically and cant stop rollin round de floor.

Here is a happy pitcher of Anti Moly luaghin fit to bust.

Well my bruvver Bosco is very concsientiuos, even when he is badly wuounded he don't forgit to save people. He discovvered dat de doctor was a Cathlic, and in spite of his bandagged state he managed to have a profuond thoelogical debate wiv him.

Bosco he told de doctor, "You see, we is gonna sit at de Lord’s feast, while many that finks demselves chosen shall be cast into outer darkness. If you is saved you is gonna wear a white robe and a golden crown in de New Jerussalem, and even poor dubm Eccles will be castin down his golden crown by de River of de Water of Life. I bin wuonded by dem viscious nuns, but I is soon gonna be born agin in a new body. Allaluia!"

De doctor has promissed to buy a cemment dove and put it on his wall to bow to, like we does in de Calumny Chappel.

He dont seem to be able to cure Anti Moly's roflitis, but he says she could git a dog as a comppanion an dis may help. De pet shopp have got a luvvly doggie dat mihgt be siutable for soemone of Anti Moly's temperamment. Dey say it is called Cerberrus but if we buys it, Anti finks it maybe needs to have 3 names as it got 3 heads (she was finkin of Micky, Rutzi and Rofls).

De other news is dat my bruvver is gonna be able to take off de banddages tommorow, de Lord sure is good at healin his chossen ones like Bosco.

A truimph for Anti Moly

My dere bruvver Bosco is still convalecsing. De banddages will soon be off and he will be able to ressume a normal life as a saved pusson loved by Jessus who only wants to do de Lords will and beet up Cathlics.

Here is Bosco gittin up in de mornin after spendin de night in de fridge, as he is still very hot and he don't want a meltdown like Grate-Anti Moly.

Indeed Anti Moly was a bit of a niusance last nihgt, she was up until 7 a.m. bloggin. At 5 a.m. we heard banging from her room, and went in to find she was dancin a jigg. "Hee heh hee!" she said. "Fiffteen months hard work has bin rewardded! I gottim at last! He misspelt 'pracktise', de poor pathettic sad Cathlic sockpoppet. Dat eleggant holy devoted cultured pius humbble courteuos devuot saintly witty adorrable learned gentleman Cuttley wuold never have done dat. Now I gottim on de ropes."

It's good dat my Anti has a hobby in life, especailly as de part-time job as a banshee didnt work out too well. We is finkin of gettin a stattue of dis Cuttley chap for Anti Moly to kiss de foot of, it will be a suprise pressent for her.

Bosco is still improvin his mind by readin educkational websites. He was lookin at how.de.pop.organnized.de.riots.in.london.org which gives a puerly factaul account of how Cathlics has been settin fire to biuldings becuase dey fuoght dere was saved poeple inside, and dat dey was steelin televisoins so dat dey cuold worhsip de gravven images on dem.

Bosco dere I fuond dis pitcher dat shows de worhsip of iddles is even worse dan I fought. Here is some dirty Cathlic encuoragin his kids to worhsip a dogg stateu. Dats probbably somethin to do with ancient Egpyt, Bosco.

Bosco sez dat if he cuold he wuold take de kids away from dere parents and have dem bruoght up by de Calumny Chappel. How else can dey be saved?

Bosco is hot

My dere bruvver Bosco has bin complainin of de heat, well it aint so easy when you is all wrapped up in banddages. In fact many anceint cropses has bin found in Egpyt wrapped up like Bosco, and I am sure it is de heat what killed em off.

In our case it is also perhaps de Solar Scriptura Panels dat we has instaled on de roof of de house "Gauranteed to keep you warm in dis world and de next" dey say.

Even Grate-Anti Moly says she havvin a meltdown, such is de heat. Why she wears dat black dress and a hat in dis wevver, I dunno.

Also Bosco's girlfiend Camila is too hot, but Bosco very kindly carried her outside and dropped her in de pond (de one where de pirahna fish used to be, dat Anti Moly ate up).

Dat is what we calls true chevalry, except dat Camila weren't very pleased, she said she is allergic to runnin water, also mirrors and garlic, as it happens, dese dames sure is strange sometimes.

Bosco he also tried to jump in de pond but he fuond dat he cuoldnt get wet. He was walkin on de watter like Jessus, and much better dan St Peter. Dat's cos he's got a very strong faith and is surely saved. Or maybe de banddages provvides bouyancy.

De probblem still remians how to cool Bosco down, but I found an old fridge in de attic, and he is gonna sleep in dat. It's nice dat it seems to be made de same shape as a person. You wuold almost fink it was an iddle.

De question remains, does we dare go to de Calumny Chappel today wiv you lookin like dat, Bosco my dere?

I gotta job

Well, it is de holliday season, and de Tellegraph has recalled me to duty as a muddlerator, becos so many of dere fine muddleratin team in Sir Lanka is gonna be away. So I aint postin so much over de next few weeks. Who's gonna look after Bosco, I reely dont know, but we gave my dere bruvver a good bath and tiddied up his banddages. He is now peacefully lookin at a website called kill.a.cathlic.and.win.a.cadillac.com, which he says gives a frank and unbbiased analysis of Cathlic docktrine, and perhaps also a free car. So maybe he's OK for now.

De Tellegraph has given me some new giudelines about how to do dis muddleration fing. For example, here are a few sample blog postins, before and after muddleration.

How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is't you do?

How now, you secret
What is

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar.

Friends, lend me your ears!
I come to praise him.
men do lives after them
The good is oft
So let it be.

In fact de Tellegraph muddleration team is workin on a muddlerated edittion of Shaksepeare, which is gonna be far more poppular as all de bits where peeple gits cross and calls each other fanattical sockpoppets will be removed.

My Grate-Anti Moly says she aint very keen on muddleration, as she finds dat de best way she can comunnicate wiv de world is to insullt it. "Dem bullyin Cathlic traddies reportted my posts," she sez. Den she goes off to spend time wiv her only love, her cherie botle, dats a French joke, I doesnt reely understand it.

Bosco likewise gits very cross if he spends two hours finking of new ways to say dat Cathlics aint saved, and den de muddlerators removes his beuatiful senttiments. He have also got a new thoery dat cement iddles has got reel peeple inside, we found a photto showing de Cathlics tryin to manufacturre one.

However, de good news is dat Bosco's girlfiend, Camila Van Pyre, is ruound here a lot, she says he looks like a flim star wiv dem banddages. When she was a little girl she used to go and see dem flims wiv her mummy, I fink dat's what she said.

A Cathlic book

Well, my bruvver Bosco esscaped from de hopsital and ran down de street, dat's not bad wiv all his injurries, but when de Lord is wiv you, and Jessus tells you dat you is saved, den you got de strentgh of ten men. Here is anuvver pitcher of Bosco showin a certtain quiet dignitty as he gives de kiss of peace to some passers-by who aint saved.

"Is we bein raptured, Bosco?" I asked when I cuaght him up. "Only I fought it would be more excittin dan dis."
"Shut up, Eccles," replied my bruvver. Dis is how he treats me when he is cross, I fink dat even when we gits to Heaven he's gonna say "Shut up, Eccles."

We got home and knokced on the door, becos dem nuns what beat us up had stollen our house keys. Grate-Anti Moly opened de door.
"You're de rabbit. Go away! Go back to your donnkeys! Sockpoppet!" she screamed.
"Who's de rabbit, Anti?" I asked.
"Both of you. Fannatical, traddie, sad, RC cliqque bigots of the worst sort, don't try to impose your superstitoins on me, you constantly insullt me but seem totally incappable of realizing this..."
"Eccles, go and git a botle of sherry from de shop round de corner," hissed Bosco.
"Is you sure, Bosco?" I whipsered back. "It seems a bit cruel to hit Anti wiv a sherry botle. Maybe we could clibm in thruogh a window instead."
"It's for her to drink, you punchdrunk airhead!" repplied my bruvver, kindly puttin me straihgt.

Two hours later in de house, Anti was snorrin peacefully. But Bosco was readin a big book and gittin more and more angry. "Eccles, look at dis Cathlic book I found!" he shouted. "Dis proved dey aint saved, dem fillthy swine! It says here: 'Jesus was no more than a mortal whom We favored and made an example to the Isrealites.'"

"Bosco, we gottem!" I said. "Dis proves dat de Cathlics is wrong from start to finish and dey can't be saved. Woss this Cathlic book called den?"
"Dey calls it de Korran," said Bosco. "I read on de Internet dat it was written by a Pop called Mohhamed. Dey got a lot about dis Allah chap in it, I fink he's a Cathlic iddle."
Well we is an unassaillable position now, and I spose dem Cathlics aint gonna dare show dere faces round here in futture.

Here's a pitcher of a liddle boy worshippin a golden iddle. It shows dat dem Cathlic leads dere kids into iddletree very young, I finks it's shockin, and so does Bosco.

Bosco got de rapture

Bosco was still in de hopsital recoverin from his wounds. Dey took all de plaster off, cos he said it made him look like a cemment iddle, but dey still had to leave lotsa banddages on. Dis is Bosco havvin a consulltation wiv de doctor.

We had a bit of a fihgt when de doctor tried to X-ray my bruvver, becos after all X-ray pitchers is gravven immages and we aint allowed to worshipp em. Still, de two nusses dat Bosco knokced out wiv his fists was probbably Cathlics, and anyway dis is de best place to be if you is gonna get knokced out.

I heard de doctors talkin to demselves, and dey said "Dis Bosco chap got a rapture. He gonna need a truss." Dis was grate news and I went over to tell my bruvver.
"You got de rapture, Bosco. Has you got a truss?"
"Yup, I put my truss in Jessus," said Bosco. "We'd better git ready for de rapture, Eccles."

I got up to look out of de window for Jessus, and turned back. Bosco had disapearred! He was taken up by de rapture! Well, we knew dat Bosco was very pius, he's always persecuttin Cathlics so its only fair dat he shuold be chosen first. Dis is a nun dat he punched in de eye when she was doin an evill Cathlic thing, collectin money for orhpans, I fink it was.

It aint ovbious what you is sposed to do when your big bruvver gits taken up to Heaven, so I fought I'd go out into de street and try and attract Jessus's attentoin, so dat I could be saved too. What was strange was dat down de corridor I cuold here Bosco's voice commin from Heaven, dis is supernatrual like when we heres de voice of de Lord in de Calumny Chappel sayin "DAT IDIOT BOSCO IS A REEL LOSER."

But what Bosco was sayin was "You Cathlics is all dammed, you gonna end up in de lake of fire cos you put a dime in de collection and it was spent on feedin de homeless poeple, you is all repsonsible for de crimes of your preists becuase you didnt know about dem, and sometimes dey didnt do any, how dumb can you be you aint got Jessus in your life and de rapture is here and you is left behind, I'm gonna make you sorry you was kissin de Pop's feet, take out your beads and bow down to de cement iddles like de Pop tells you to, you and your devillish church, dont give me any of dat 'do unto others' nonsense it aint in de book of Revellation, which is de only bit of de Bible dat we reads in de Calumny Chappel, although sometimes we has Winnie de Poo, and Alouse in Wonderland cos dey doesnt give us such bad headaches, dat Mad Hatter chap he's definitely been saved..."

Den I heard a luod CRASH and Bosco cryin "Take dat you luosy pevreted Cathlic priest thinkin you can come in here and give de last rites to Cathlics and send dem to Hell." I turned de corner and dis was de scene dat I came upon, wiv one of de doctors confronttin Bosco.

Woss goin on Bosco, is we raptured or aint we?