Harry Potter and the Curse of Woke

All royalties to be divided equally with J.K. Rowling.

"Harry (he him), have you met the new pupil, Doris Trans?" asked Hermione (she, her). "She was born as Boris Trans, but don't call her that. Apparently, a great wizard cast a spell on her, and she is now female!"

A bearded giant strode into the room. "Hi, guys, gals, and others!" she said. "Professor Dumbledore (he, him, most of the time) has said I can use the girls' changing rooms; I'm looking forward to taking up ladies' boxing and wrestling, and smashing girls' heads in."

The beautiful Doris Woke.

Just then Hagrid entered the room, carrying a huge trunk. "Hey, Boris," he said, "here's your luggage!"

"You transphobic BIGOT!" said Doris, knocking Hagrid unconscious with a single blow of her delicate fists.

Quick as a flash, Hermione reacted. Trying out a new spell for the first time she waved her wand and shouted "CIS TRANS". Instantly, everyone in the room began to identify with the opposite gender: Harriet Potter (she, her), Hismione Granger (he, him), Boris Trans (he, him), and the lovely but rather stunned Hagrida (she, her).

Professor Snape, who was just passing, caught a weakened form of the spell, and became convinced that he or she was now a member of all genders simultaneously.

"You'll be punished for this, Miss, er, Mr Granger!"

That evening Dumbledore decided to take action, and he used the Sorting Hat to classify each of the pupils into one of the four main genders: male, female, transmale, and transfemale. This just left Draco Malefem, who insisted that zi was Two-Spirit Fluid Bi-Pan-Sexual, and would need to use both bathrooms simultaneously.

But where did that leave Lord (or Lady) Voldemort? Nobody knew.

Author's note: this is supposed to be a spiritually nourishing blog, so we end with a quotation from Jeremiah 13:23.

"Can the leopard change his spots, or the man his chromosomes?"

How to organize a Yoof Synod

Yet another episode in our long-running series on how to be a good pope. Remember, if they elected Francis as pope, they might easily elect you, so be prepared!

As scandals rage around you - Chile, China, the USA, the Vatican - it makes for a useful distraction if you have a Yoof Synod running. Ask your dear friend Cardinal Baldfacedliar to write the full documents of the synod well in advance, and stick a "Magisterial" label on them. Don't under any circumstances allow anyone to know what was actually agreed during the synod - it will bear no relation to Baldy's final document, anyway.

Two versions of the Synod Logo.

Now, you need to have a few Yoof in the Synod, say 10% of the number present. Ignore "Uncle Fred" if he telephones you asking you to pick some good-looking ones - it will only get you into trouble. Of course all the decisions will be made by bishops who know what the Yoof want - or, more precisely, by Baldy in consultation with some of your top advisers - so ignore any requests for orthodox teaching, the Mass of their forefathers, or indeed anything religious. Instead, make sure you address LGBT issues, climate change, and plastic straws, as these are the things that Yoof lose sleep over.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ jets in.

Now you need to get down wiv da Yoof, even if you aren't really going to take any notice of them. Perhaps you could invite some young Catholic rock stars that you know they like - Bono, Cliff Richard, Mick Jagger? Your mentor Cardinal Kasper says that they're all fans of Harry Potter - which is all about the fat wizard Dolandore, Professor McCarrickall, Severus Snapero, and the man we all love to hiss, Viganomort. You see where this is leading?

Get yourself a witches' stang!

In the old days pre-2013, the bishop's crozier was modelled on a shepherd's crook, with the stupid outdated traddy idea that pastors were in some sense shepherds of their sheep. Nowadays we prefer to channel the spirit of Saruman, or Radagast, or paganism in general. So get yourself a trusty witches' stang, and the Yoof will think you are "ace", "cool" and "groovy" (modern English Yoof slang courtesy of Cardinal Nichols!)

Now all synods have committees, and your hope is that these will keep the bishops sober and make them believe they are influencing the Synod. But here comes a snag! Cardinal Sarah-Jane, the man waiting in the wings for you to pop off, has refused to serve on one of them! He cites "personal reasons" but you know that what he's really thinking is: "When I become Pope I'm going to declare this Synod invalid." This is tricky, we must think of more ways to humiliate him (cf. Burke, Müller, Festing, etc.)

And now - let's party with a demon!

The Yoof have written you a letter saying that what they would really like would be for you to celebrate a traditional Latin Mass, with Gregorian chant. But Baldy has "lost" this letter, and reconstructed it from memory - so officially what they want is to go "clubbing". Invite in some more young idols of the yoof - say, Paul McCartney, the ever-young Madonna (age 94), and even that good Catholic Cher. This will keep them quiet, and you can Carry on Synodding.

To be continued?

The Timothy Radcliffe road show (with added Inwood)

Are you planning a Catholic event? Are you worried that it may be too Catholic? These days we've got to be more inclusive, and we need to include Catholics of all shades of opinion: Protestant, atheist, Muslim, ... We don't want to give the impression that being a Catholic is anything to do with what you believe in, as if Catholics somehow rejected liberal secular values! Luckily we've got just the speaker for you - Fr Timothy Radcliffe!

Timothy Radcliffe (R) with John Allen Jr, a poor homeless man.

Fr Radclife, once ludicrously tipped to succeed Basil Hume as Archbishop of Westminster, is known as a dissident from Catholic teaching on sexual ethics. Actually, I'm not sure what else he's known for, as dissidence seems to keep him very busy. A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses, a man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain, a man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations - yes, he's just the man to make your Catholic event more liberal. And here are some examples!

Flame 2 - a "yoof" listens raptly to Fr Radcliffe,

Consider Flame 2, then. An event for the "yoof" of today, or middle-aged men pretending to be "yoof-ful". With special yoof-ful guest, Cardinal "I don't think the midterm report was a mistake" Tagle, a hero of the Extraordinary Synod, and just the cardinal to invite if you think Burke is being too, er, serious about his faith. Radcliffe was there, too, as a man who knows how to inspire the yoof!

A yoof-ful Radcliffe.

Now pop over to Vaughan House, near Westminster Cathedral, and listen to Fr Timothy give a Lenten talk on Tolerant and Free despite being Catholic? Subtext - don't let Catholicism get in the way of your liberalism. Are there no limits to this man's ubiquity? Incidentally, Cardinal Nichols, don't think we didn't notice that all four speakers are male Catholic priests - no women priests, not even a Tina Beattie. You sexist trad!

I went to Vaughan House, and all I got was this lousy mug.

The Radcliffe roadshow continues, and unless you've bought one of those tee-shirts listing all his gigs you may not be able keep up with the man. However, the best is still to come. Over at Arundel and Brighton they're celebrating the 50th anniversary of the diocese, as we have mentioned before.

Many of us were hoping that Timothy Radcliffe would be the next bishop of A&B - after Cormac and Kieran he would have kept the comedy tradition alive - but it was not to be. Mgr Richard "Tiger" Moth, Bishop of the Forces, will be the next occupant of "Conry Towers" in Pease Pottage. That leaves a vacancy of course, and if they were to change the name to "Bishop of the Farces", then I would be happy to write a testimonial for Radcliffe.

"Tiger" Moth prepares to land at Pease Pottage.

But we digress. One of the stars of the Arundel and Brighton mega-party is a certain Fr Radcliffe. The best is yet to come, though, and this is a reason why you definitely mustn't miss the fun.

Help is at hand for those who've had too much Radcliffe.

As reported by Men Are Like Wine, Paul Inwood has written a Jubilee Mass for the Arundel and Brighton event. Apparently Lady Gaga was unavailable. As a Lenten penance I decided to listen to the first few tracks. Going into the wilderness of the Inwood, that's the sort of thing I do so that you don't have to.

Track 1: Gathering Song. What do you mean, you didn't know the Mass included a gathering song? To be fair to Uncle Paul, it's not too bad, if you like "socially relevant" songs that only mention God as an afterthought. Still, the tune is a little banal, and the use of irreverent-sounding chords sounds as if Uncle Paul wasn't paying attention in his basic harmony classes.

Track 2: Gathering Chant. Here I started biting the carpet. "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo"??? Well, that's what it sounds like. Listen to it yourself, if you don't believe it. These wordless noises don't really work. Same tune as in 1, with extra moo-sic.

Shouldn't that be "PARATE VIAM DOMINI MOO-OO-OO"?

Track 3: Kyrie. Not too bad, really, although it doesn't sound spiritually nourishing, or even particularly original. He even uses the traddy Greek words. Could we have misjudged Uncle Paul? No, of course not.

Well, I think I've suffered enough Inwood, so I'll stop there.

Oscott College bans Latin

"Ordain a lady" demonstrators invade Royal Oscott.

Seminarians at St Mary's College, Oscott (Birmingham) have been told that from now on all use of Latin is forbidden. As a spokesman said, "We keep getting bombarded with odd messages from the Pope, and we don't understand half of them. What's a Summorum Pontificum when it's at home? Is it the same as a Motu Proprio? And what's the difference between that and a Fiat Lux? We keep getting e-mails from the Vatican with obscure subjects such as Felix dies Nativitatis and Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini, but we've been deleting them, in case it meant we had to do something."

Harry Potter (seen here casting a spell) is also banned.

As one seminarian explained, the edict against Latin is so strict that students are forbidden to read Harry Potter novels in their spare time, since they contain strange Latinate words such as Accio and Crucio, which also double as magic spells. Indeed, it is believed that the institutional opposition to Latin began when one of the trainee priests accidentally said Levicorpus to Mgr Mark Crisp, the rector; as a result, the good monsignor was forced to participate in Mass while floating upside-down a few feet above the ground. Even in the Novus Ordo this is considered to be something of a faux pas.

Flying bishops - an Anglican innovation.

Fanatical Latin-loving seminarians are even now planning to appeal to the Archbishop of Birmingham, Bernard Longley. They intend to demonstrate outside St Chad's Cathedral with banners saying QUID VOLUMUS? MISSA LATINA! and QUANDO EAM VOLUMUS? NUNC! Unfortunately, it is unlikely that anybody in Birmingham will know what they are talking about.

Hari Potter

Well de plan to cure my belloved bruvver Bosco of his concusion is continuin. Today he told me to call him Danniel and said he was gonna go into a lions den and de Lord would prottect him. We aint got a lions den howevver, de nearest place wiv wild creaturs is Anti Moly's beddroom, so Bosco knokced on de door and went in. "Go away!" screemed Anti Moly. "I gotta make some urggent coments on Cristinna Oddone's blogg, she's a woman and a sort of Cathlic so dat's fair game." Bosco he quacked with fear but de Lord was wiv him and he stayed in de lions den and began to sing a piuos hynm. De next fing he knew his ears was bein nailed to de wall, dats a trick de lions never managged I fink. It aint fun bein a Danniel, is it Bosco?

In order to rellax Bosco we took him to see a movvie at de cinnema, it was Hari Potter and de Deafly Hellos. I need to explane dis.
1. Hari is de Brittish spellin, I seen dat name a lot lately.
2. Deafly Hellos are relicks like Cathlics worhsip. Dey even got a maggazine called Hello wiv iddles in it.

We wanted to take Grate-Anti Moly wiv us, but dey stopped her at de door and said "We aint havin peeple dressed up as Volldemot comin into our cinnema, we got enuogh trubble wiv hooliganns already".
"She aint dressed up as Volldemot," explaned Bosco. "Dats her normal appearrance."
No good, dey wouldn't let her in, and anyways Anti said she cuoldnt really spare 3 hours away from de bloggs, in case she missed a good fihgt.

So Bosco and me went in wivvout Anti. I cant tell you whevver its Hari Potter or Volldemot wot wins, cos I never worked it out. All I will reveel is dat we neerly got frown out becuase Bosco kept shoutin out "Hari! You aint saved! Dem relicks is evil!" Dis shows dat he is nearly cured.

After de movvie Bosco he decidded he was very hungry and he invited some freinds from de Calumny Chappel round for a big dinner. Here dey is in speshul feastin clothes.

Wot I dont understand is dat someon have written "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall. Bosco is very upset, and we is gonna have to e-mail Jessus to make sure dat dis was only a jokke. Cos we is both saved, aint we, Bosco?