Hallowe'en for Catholics

We asked some leading Catholics to comment on the question: should Catholics celebrate Hallowe'en, and if so, how?

This sort of "saved" pumpkin is seen in many houses at this time. (H/T @fortyhigh)

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal.

Unlike in the Vatican, the USA, France, Spain, ... indeed like most of the rest of the world, we have told the English and Welsh Catholics to celebrate All Saints on November 2nd this year - either that or use the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. This is because I am a keen football fan, and nothing is going to spoil my enjoyment of the Newcastle-Liverpool match tomorrow (unless Liverpool loses, which they probably will).

So my Hallowe'en activities will kick off on Saturday night. Some people have said that dressing up as devils and demons is inappropriate for Catholic bishops, but I feel we should value the demonic lifestyle, as it has a lot of good in it. However, I plan to do something different this year: I shall wear a Kieran Conry mask and scare all the ladies!

A recent ecumenical trick-or-treat from Vin and Rowan. Note the pathetic attempt to do "devil horns" behind Rowan's head!

Damian Thompson, journalist.

I have my reputation as a blood-crazed ferret to keep up (© Church Times, 1971), and this year I am planning to dress up as a zombie and terrorize some of my enemies, starting with Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Austen Ivereigh, who are custard-hating liberals of the worst kind. Then I might just drop in at Blackfen and shout "Muahahahahaha!!!" through the letter-box of Fr Steven Fisher.

Damian Thompson in full zombie-costume.

Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Tablet.

We at the Tablet are very supportive of alternative forms of Catholicism, and many of our most loyal staff are witches, ghouls, ghosts, mummies, vampires, creepy things with wings, or gaunt and grisly spectres. I personally am going to knock on doors dressed as Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost; my friend Tina Beattie hasn't had time to get a special costume, so she will be going as a witch. I was hoping to give out free copies of the Tablet to people in the street, but the police advise me that this would be a public nuisance, and so we plan to hand out squishy things dripping with tomato ketchup instead.

Woooooo.... it's Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost!

Pope Francis to be canonized

Following vigorous demands from the singer Elton John and the rest of the liberal establishment, is has been agreed that Pope Francis should be canonized with immediate effect.

Pope Francis tries his new halo for size.

Readers will have noticed that canonization times have been sharply cut in recent years, owing to an increased efficiency in approving applications. This is due to the use of computers, the Internet, etc. Whereas Queen Jadwiga of Poland (d. 1399) had to wait just under 600 years for a Polish pope to come along and canonize her, it is now felt that anyone who is not a complete waster should be canonized within 2 or 3 weeks of death. However, this is the first time that anyone has actually been canonized while still alive - even the apostles did not achieve this distinction.

Queen Jadwiga was distinctly fed up with waiting.

Pope Francis is known for his famous words about same-sex marriage, "It is ... a 'move' of the Father of Lies, who seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God." I'm sorry, I'll have another go at that. What he actually said "Who am I to fudge?"

We should remember Christ's words to the clapped-out musician who felt same-sex attraction. "Go ye and find a partner, perhaps one with a perpetual rictus grin, and then persuade some woman to lend ye her body, that ye may have children and pretend that they are the fruit of your marriage."

Next stop - get ye a woman to lend ye her body!

Apart from his enthusiasm for "gay rights", Pope Francis is well recognised to be considerably more saintly than all other popes in history: for example, he refuses to wear red shoes, he washes in cold water, he travels everywhere by bus, he lives humbly in a cupboard under the stairs, and he eats at the canteen. Case proven, m'lud.

The papal apartments.

It is expected that Francis will use the forthcoming All Saints Day as an opportunity to announce a new batch of saints. In doing so, he is likely to say something like the following: "We declare the following to be saints: Cardinal Newman, G.K. Chesterton, Pope Pius XII, Mother Teresa, Fr Ted Crilly, ... oh... and... er... ME!"

Another new saint.

Bible to be published as a magazine

St Luke Coppen explains.

St Luke Coppen (R) with St Timothy of Margate

Following the lead of the Catholic Herald, it has been decided that from now on the Bible will be published in magazine format, rather than as a newspaper. A problem was recognised on that historic day when Christ rose from the dead, and the news came too late for our publication deadline. It's true that our website carried the news, but the regular Bible readership complained that they had to wait 50 years before they were able to read a full report in St Matthew's Gospel.

St Mary Madeleine Teahan: her eye-witness account of the Resurrection was delayed.

So from now on we are moving to a "magazine" format. We shall still carry news items - for example, we were first to break the news of St Peter's escape from prison - but from now on readers will see more Epistles (if we recruit St Paul Priest to the writing team, we are confident that we shall have no shortage of those). We also encourage informed speculation on religious matters, and so we have sent our special correspondent St John Zuhlsdorf off to Patmos, from which we expect some interesting Revelations in due course.

St John Zuhlsdorf: destined for Patmos.

Other religious papers have changed their format in recent years. It is true that the Tablet, originally edited by Moses, rather lost its way when it stopped being printed on stone, and is said to be no longer interested in God's commandments. Still, its recent Should Christians worship a Golden Calf? poll was very popular, and is said to have influenced many Catholic bishops in England and Wales.

Moses: not satisfied with the direction the Tablet has taken.

Pope says 2+2=4

The Catholic Church finally entered the modern world today, when Pope Francis upset two thousand years' Catholic teaching by admitting that two plus two equalled four.

Pope Francis used to give the traditional Catholic answer "5".

Said Nick Silly of the Telegraph: "For years the Catholic church has rejected science, and its believers have been told to take on trust the belief that 2+2=5. Remember Galileo, who had his arms and legs cut off by Pope Paul IV-or-V, for saying 'But it is 4'. After that, of course, he could never be sure what the answer was, as he no longer had any fingers or toes to count on."

Galileo: suffered for his scientific beliefs.

Adam Witless of the Independent concurs: "This is the biggest scoop we have had since we revealed that Pope Benedict XVI believed that genes 'probably do exist'." This certainly upsets traditional Catholic doctrine, all the more so because this topic was never discussed at the recent synod. Indeed, Pope Francis's ex cathedra statement on the big question of 2+2 seems to have been made without even a 2/3 majority vote to support it."

Finally, Hannah Rubbish of the Daily Mail also carries the story of the Catholic Church's capitulation to scientific progress, together with in-depth interviews with Kim Kardashian, Lauren Pope, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and other women for whom counting up to four is an intellectual feat beyond their imagination.

One of those scientific women in the Daily Mail.

But what of the scientific elite? How will Richard Dawkins, Brian Cox, and Stephen Hawking react to Pope Francis's attempts to claim such major scientific discoveries for the Catholic Church? And why are Stephen Fry and Russell Brand choosing to remain silent? Are they ill? I think we should be told.

Four or five? At this stage of the evening I've lost count!

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church's 2015 Synod is expected to consider other deep scientific issues, such as "How many beans make five?" "Why does a red cow give white milk when it always eats green grass?" and "Is the Moon made of green cheese?" Cardinal Kasper is said to be already working on a set of controversial responses to these questions.

The basis of a new Catholic theory of beans.

1963 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman.

Pope Paul VI, a blessed pope.

A blessed pope.

After summoning the 2nd Vatican Conflict in order to decide whether the Church should be modern or not, Good Pope John found that he was enjoying it so much that he dropped dead (and 51 years later he went to Heaven). The cardigans got together and picked on Cardigan Montini, who changed his name to Pope Paul VI and carried on the Vatican Conflict, after removing all the wounded. In the end, the Conflict ended with lots of new decisions, which were instantly blamed on the Holy Spirit, viz.:

1. All Catholics must stop talking Latin and learn a new language called Vernacular.
2. All priests who faced east must turn round and face west. However, the common people were not allowed to face west.
3. All altars were moved from the end of the church into the middle, so that the priests could hide behind them.
4. Kneeling was forbidden in church, as it was not considered cool.
5. The common people were no longer to obey orders given to them by priests.
6. The Age of Aquarius had dawned and a new Spirit of Vatican II was abroad.
7. Sex and drugs and rock and roll were still sins, but not as bad as they used to be. Indeed there was to be a new prophet of rock and roll, called St Cliff Richard.

After the 2nd Vatican Conflict, all Catholics were naturally very happy, and so they stopped going to church (see Rule 5).

Catholics being very happy.

Another thing that happened in the reign of Pope Paul was that he wrote an encyclopaedia, called Humorus Vitae, or Isn't life funny? In it he explained that Catholics should not use contradiction to avoid having babies. Since many married couples spend most of the time contradicting each other, this was not very popular.

Pope Paul was so shocked by the reception of Humorus Vitae that for the next ten years he became very serious, and did nothing memorable at all. Finally, he was persuaded to die so that someone else could have a go.

Pope John-Paul I, a smiling pope.

Not really memorable.

After Blessed but rather Serious Pope Paul, the cardigans decided that they needed a smiling pope. After a smiling competition, they told Albino Luciani to take over, but only for a month, because he was not really memorable. The new pope chose the name John-Paul-George-Ringo, after a famous pope group called the Beatitudes, but this was soon shortened to John-Paul. Then one day Pope John-Paul decided to stop smiling, and died suddenly.

Pope John-Paul II, a saintly pope.

A shaved person.

When Pope John-Paul I died, the cardigans got together and decided to elect a young pope, so that he probably wouldn't die too quickly. Although the rules of the game said that popes had to be Italian, there weren't any young Italian cardigans left, so they chose a Polish pope, Karol Józef Wojtyła. He started off as a young pope, but then surprised people by becoming an old pope. The new pope was not expecting to be elected, because he wasn't Italian; indeed, he was so shocked that he could not think of a new pope-name, so he became Pope John-Paul II.

A cardigan greets the new pope.

Questions on the period 1963 to 1978. Candidates should sing their answers to a melody by Paul Inwood.

1. Explain why the 2nd Vatican Conflict encouraged the use of (a) clown masses, (b) puppet masses, and (c) dancing priests.
2. Write down all you know about (a) Annibale Bugsbunni; (b) the heresies of Basil Foltus; (c) Archbishop Marcel Leftover.
3. Compare and contrast (a) St Cliff Richard; (b) the Beatitudes; (c) The (cardigan) Whom.
4. Think of three memorable things that Pope John-Paul I could have done in order to live longer.
5. Translate into Vernacular: (a) Wojtyła; (b) Humorus Vitae; (c) Kumbaya.

To be continued.

Flannery in America

We are indeed privileged today to be able to print extracts from the travel diary of Tony Flannery, Redemptorist, founder member of the Association of Catholic Priests in Ireland, and general nuisance as far as the Vatican is concerned. Thanks to Flannery's unique powers of observation and deep insights, we learn things about America that nobody suspected until now!

Even more exciting than when Pope Benedict XVI visited!

Monday. Arrived at New York, which turns out to be a city in America, and not in Yorkshire after all. My first impressions are that New York is big - bigger than my home town of Ballydancer, and maybe nearly as big as Cork! Also, it is full of Americans, who speak American, which is very like English, but you have to chew gum while you're talking!

I was met at the airport by Sister Fred of the modernist order of "Nuns in the Taxi", which is in dispute with Vatican, just as I am!
"Hi, there!" she said. "You must be Father Flummery!"
"Flannery!" I replied.
"Oh is it? There's no need to be so rude, buster!"

We eventually sorted this out, and she said that the Nuns in the Taxi were all reading extracts from my new book in place of the Gospel at Mass. I was touched by this, although for some reason they think the book is called REVOLUTION. Perhaps that's the name they've given to the American edition!

One thing I should warn people who come to New York is that all the clocks are four or five hours slow! I pointed this out, but, just to annoy me, they refused to change them! Just like the Vatican! Anyway, I went to my hotel, the Heretic's Arms. For those who aren't seasoned travellers, I should mention that a hotel is a large building with bedrooms in it.

So far I am being treated like royalty - people keep trying to take photos of me in the shower!

The Nuns in the Taxi.

Tuesday: Still in New York. With an artist's eye for observation I have noticed that some of the buildings are quite high. Wait till I tell this to my brother Shameless, who runs the Fine Gael party!

A letter was delivered to my hotel, which shows that I have got the Vatican on the run!

Dear Mr Flummery,

Following the recent Extraordinary Synod on the Flannery, Pope Francis has asked me to invite you for lunch. I'm afraid we can't lay on anything special, so it will be our usual simple meal of soup, entrée, appetizer, hors d'oeuvres, fish course, main course, second main course, third main course, cheese, dessert, pudding, sweet, cake, afters, and perhaps an extra main course to finish off if we're still hungry. I hope you like shrimps, oysters, jellyfish, beef, lamb, goat, panda, camel, haddock, turbot, and dolphin, as we shall be having all of these - and more!

Yours ever, Tim Dolan, Supreme Grandmaster of the Order of St Patrick.

Lunch with a real cardinal!

"October is a very interesting time of year," I told Cardinal Dolan. "It is the time of year known as Autumn, or sometimes Fall. Did you ever notice that all the leaves fall off the trees at this time of year? The Vatican tries to keep this fact secret, but as I have been saying at the top of my voice for the last ten years, I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"

Unfortunately, Cardinal Dolan did not reply to me, as he was chewing his way through a giraffe's neck at the time. This is the sort of rudeness I expect from the Catholic Church.

Wednesday: I am now in Philadelphia! I used to think that this was a word meaning "stamp-collecting", but it turns out to be another big city! I was interviewed by Radio Scalfari, which is a prestigious liberal talk radio station; it has hosted many distinguished theologians in the past, such as Margaret Farley, Hans Küng, Prof. Tina Beattie, and even Richard Dawkins! They recorded an interview with me over the telephone, and promised to broadcast it at 4 a.m. tomorrow, in the very popular "Insomniacs Only" slot, unless something more interesting turned up.

In the evening I had my first speaking engagement, at the prestigious 15th and Market Bus Shelter. I spoke to a massive crowd (too many to count, but approximately 3 people) about how the Catholic Church must adapt to a changing world. I didn't see anyone from the Vatican there, but I am sure that they had sent along a spy. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Long queues of Catholics waiting to hear me speak!

Probably NOT to be continued.

Eccles isn't made welcome in church

I gotta apollogise for this post as my secretarries, Ecclesiam and Ecclesiis, is both away todday, so there may be the odd typpo and spelin erorr that creeps into this post. I think we're OK so far, but figners crossed...

Fr Phil of the church of St Daryl the Apostate, at the Hallowe'en Mass.

On Sunday I went to Mass at the very libberal church of St Daryl the Apostate, takin with me my big bruvver Bosco - him wot is even more saved than Pop Francis - and my dere Anti Moly, wot is not at all saved and don't want to be. Bosco only goes along so that he can interrupt the preist by sayin "You is not saved, only I is saved," and Anti Moly just finds the church a conveneint place to slubmer peacefully once she has emptied her bottle of gin.

Bosco and me when we was kids. I is the one bein chaste.

So we gets into the church, and Fr Phil welcomes us at the door, sayin, "Ullo, Eccles, is you gay? If so, you gotta special welcome todday, cos that's what the Snyodd decided. Or if you is cohabitin and never got round to marryin, then Cradinal Nickles says that's wonderful, and he wishes all Cathlics was like you." I explaned that I is a saved pusson leadin a chased and cellybat lifestyle, though I got lotsa lady admirers on account of my handsome looks.

"And I gotta girlfriend," said Bosco. "She's called Camilla, and lives near the cemmetry. But she sleeps in the day time and only comes out a night."

"That's super," said Fr Phil. "We really values a vampair's lifestyle: they has a lot to contribute. I must invite her round for a bite one evenin."

Who is I to judge this lady's lifestyle?

"Now, how about you, Anti Moly? Is you perchance a lebsian? You is one of the few women round here whose name aint been linked with that of Bishop Keiran Corny."

My dere anti explaned that on the contrary, she had many years ago been deeply in love with a young Austrialan student called Goerge Pell, wot had jumped into a billaboing to avoid her unwanted attentoins. Later he became a preist, and is now a cradinal, but we is sure that secretly he regrets not tyin the knott with Anti Moly.

"Got that? If Anti Moly gets near, shoot on sight."

"Well you ain't no fun, is you?" said Fr Phil in disgust. "It's a two-way process, you know. If you wants the fatted claf and the lovvin welcome as a sinner, you gotta do some interestin sins wot we can admire. Remember the prodigious son's elder bruvver didn't get nuffink."

"I got into a fight wiv some nuns last night," said Bosco hopefully. "I was tellin them rotten critters they wasn't saved, when they started beatin me up. Wot's more, one of em nuns cut my leg up wiv a broken bottle, and I had to have stitches."

Training for a re-match with Bosco next Friday night.

"You ain't been paying attentoin," said Fr Phil grumpily. "It was a Snyodd on the Fambly, and that means SEX. We aint interested in people what does greivous boddily harm, or shopliftin, or other non-sexaul sins. Now clear off, the lotta you."

I am the Archbishop of Westminster

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, yet again, for a rewrite of HMS Pinafore. To be sung by a rather undisciplined cardinal, together with a chorus of admiring bishops.

"... and I have no memory of ever meeting Kieran Conry."

I am the Archbishop of Westminster;
   And a good Archbishop, too!
You're very, very good,
And be it understood,
You're all splendid bishops too.
   We’re very, very good,
   And be it understood,
   We're all splendid bishops too.
While folk shudder, "He said that?"
I have got a big red hat,
So I know the Pope likes me;
Though my memory may fail,
I know how to spin a tale
And I never utter heresy!
   What, never?
No, never!
   What, never?
Hardly ever!
   Hardly ever utters heresy!
   Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
   For the saintly Archbishop of Westminster!

"You're cohabiting with a giant rubber fish? That's really splendid. Well done!"

I do my best to sanctify you all –
   And with you we're quite content.
You're a witless load of fools,
But it's not against the rules
If you sin and don't repent.
   We're a witless load of fools,
   But it's not against the rules
   If we sin and don't repent.
Gay Masses in West One,
Are surely lots of fun,
They're events I'm pleased to see.
Folk say Kasper should retire,
But it's him that I admire,
And I never welcome Tina B. –
   What, never?
   No, never!
   What, never?
Well, hardly ever!
   Hardly ever welcomes Tina B. –
   Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
   For the faithful Archbishop of Westminster!

Well... hardly ever!

Plans for the 2015 Synod

We are privileged today to print an interview with Pope Francis. As is usual with papal interviews, no record was taken at the time, so it is being reported from memory. Moreover, my Spanish and Italian are rather weak, while the Pope's English and Latin are even weaker, so it is not clear that either of us knew exactly what the other was talking about.

Oh ****! It all went wrong!

Eccles: So, Holy Father, in the words of the blessed Paul Priest, the 2014 synod was a complete farce, wasn't it?

Francis: Yes, we'll have to do better next year. I tried to manipulate the synod so that it would decide what I wanted, but in the end my more traditional cardinals ganged up on me. Well, I won't stand for it next year! I'm having all the locks changed, for one thing, and the Swiss Guards have orders to shoot Burke, Pell, Müller, Napier, etc. on sight if they try to climb in through the window.

Eccles: So, will Cardinal Kasper be running things again?

Francis: Well, if possible. By doubling his medication we may be able to stop him singing "I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away" during Mass. Also, we can lock him in his room at night to stop him wandering round the Vatican biting people in the neck. But it's not easy to make him appear normal.

"I shall deny that this interview ever took place."

Eccles: Any "new blood" appointments to the 2015 Synod?

Francis: Yes, seeing their reports on this year's synod, I am going to invite some journalists along - perhaps Austin Ivereigh, Cristina Odone and Fr Thomas Reese SJ. I was very impressed with their new ideas of what Catholicism should be about, especially my Jesuit friend - no unwanted "holiness" about him, just simple secular liberalism!

Eccles: Now, turning to the 2015 Synod itself, what decisions have you decided that it will make?

Francis: Well, we need to write a clause about our love for homosexuals, of course. I have asked Vincent Nichols to draft something, and it will be along the lines of "We believe that you gays are lovable, fluffy people, with good taste, great dress sense and a natural charm. Please come to our Masses, and bring your friends with us. We love you all, and want to get to know you - although not in the Biblical sense, ha ha, as we don't use that book any longer."

Making Genesis gay-friendly.

Eccles: And how about the divorced and remarried?

Francis: We've agonized over that, and decided that in the end the sacrament of marriage isn't really worth the effort. As Jesus Himself said to the Samaritan woman, "You have had five husbands, and that old dirty old lecher drunk in the armchair at home isn't your husband. He's the local bishop! But that's just fine by me!" See? Problem solved!

The local bishop.

Eccles: Will Cardinal Dolan be attending?

Francis: Alas, no, it clashes with a Gay Pride march in New York; they've appointed him Supreme Obese Grandmaster of St Paddy's Rainbow Chasuble, so he can hardly refuse to attend.

Eccles: Holy Father, thank you for being so frank with us. It's great to see that the traditions of the Catholic Church are in such safe hands. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, eh?

Francis: Er, about half past three, I think. Bye, Eccles!

ISIS offers to merge with Amnesty International

The Muslim organization ISIS (specialities: murdering unarmed women, children, journalists, taxi-drivers, in fact anyone who can't fight back) has offered a merger to Amnesty International (specialities: well, originally fighting against torture and unjust imprisonment, and now campaigning for changes in abortion law).

A proposed logo for the new combined organization.

Said a spokesman for the Satanic State, Mr B. El-Zebub, "We really admire what Amnesty is doing. I mean, we're very proud of our record of killing the weak and helpless, but Amnesty is set to outdo us easily. We've been looking at abortion statistics, and we simply can't compete in terms of slaying innocent people."

His friend "Jihadi Jimmy" was quick to agree. "I like killing defenceless people and biting the heads off small fluffy kittens, all in the name of Allah the Merciful, but massacring babes in the womb and calling this a human right takes cruelty and depravity to a new level. I'm all for it."

Brave Jihadi Jimmy ran away in terror when this cat mewed at him.

So far Amnesty International has not issued any response to the offer from ISIS, but we understand that some of its supporters are very keen on the proposal. Having won a Nobel Peace Prize in 1977, Amnesty is already associated with some extremely dubious characters, some of whom are sympathetic to the new culture of mass murder. So a merger with ISIS is an offer that they will surely take seriously.

No longer members of Amnesty.

Ecclesol: a cure for memory loss in bishops

Does your bishop forget things, and make a fool of himself as a result? It can be embarrassing, can't it? Well, thanks to the new Ecclesol memory tonic, we have managed to help several bishops avoid potentially embarrassing situations. Here are some testimonials from our delighted customers!

A bishop.

Cardinal V.N. of W. is a typical case. His amnesia was so bad that, when interviewed on the radio the day after the Extraordinary Synod closed, he had forgotten how he had voted on the clause about homosexuals - arguably the most contentious vote of all. Now, after a dose of Ecclesol he says, "I do remember now... but I'm not going to tell you!"

"My forgetfulness led to my losing my house!" says K.C. of A. and B.

As Bishop K.C. knew only too well "It is best to be off with the old love, Before you are on with the new," (St Paul's epistle to the Arundelians). But sometimes the excitement of a new love makes you forget the old one entirely! Or even to forget that you are a supposedly celibate bishop! Says K. "I wish I'd taken my Ecclesol!"

Bishop M.C. of L. gets a friendly reminder.

Some time ago Bishop M.C. of L. asked one of his blogging deacons to pause all posting on his blog so as to "allow for a period of prayer and reflection". Of course, what he had in mind was something like 40 Days and 40 Nights, the usual period for such activities. But then, seven months later, M. suddenly realised his error. "I forgot to tell him he could start again! From now on I'm taking Ecclesol memory tonic, to avoid a repeat of this blunder!"

Ecclesol, we love you!

Final report of the Synod on the Family

N.B. Texts in red did not achieve the necessary 2/3 majority, but have been kept in the report just in case the Holy Spirit changes His mind next year.

"I can't remember meeting Kieran Conry, but I know he's a good family man."

1. We've all had a jolly good fortnight's Synodding, and we particularly appreciated Signora Odone's scrumptious cakes.

2. Homosexual partnerships are great, so much more exciting than heterosexual ones in many ways; we can't see what all the fuss is about, really.

3. No women bishops; Bible still preferred to Koran; polygamy not on offer yet; but all Masses to be in Italian from now on.

4. The Anglicans are fine fellows, so let's do what they do in future. Why should we be any different?

"Your arguments are very convincing, Mr Welby."

5. The Sistine Chapel is a great place for concerts, parties, liturgical discos, bar mitzvahs (Jewish), public floggings (Muslim), and hiring out for corporate events. Indeed, we're having some "my other cardinal's in a Porsche" stickers made.

6. From now on, everything said by Cardinal Kasper is infallible doctrine.

7. In the elegant words of St Louise of Mensch: if you're a remarried divorcee, it's wrong to take communion. Is that so hard to understand, dummy?

8. No Africans to be invited to future synods, they really don't understand Western secular culture. Cardinal Kasper never mentioned Africans. Any tape-recordings you have made are forgeries.

Cardinal Napier gatecrashes the synod, disguised as a Yorkshireman.

9. Notwithstanding pressure from the BBC, Guardian and Tablet, we're still basically fans of Christ's teaching, and we think He got most of it right.

10. Raymond Burke is a nasty traddy and we hates him we hates him we hates him is making the Pope look foolish; he will be sent to sort out Arundel and Brighton the Knights of Malta.

Even in his days as a chemist, Mr Bergoglio had it in for Mr Burke.

11. Let us now sing Lewis Carroll's moving "Cardinal Kasper song". The first four lines, at least, go quite well to the tune of "Dear Lord and Father of Mankind".

He thought he saw an Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope!' 

12. Notwithstanding the above, new Catholic doctrine will continue to be developed by the Pope by means of informal interviews of which no proper record is taken, or by telephone conversations to random people.

Conclusion: We should not throw stones at people, but it is all right to throw bread rolls.