Vicar of St John Lateran apologises for Aztec Service

The vicar of the Basilica of St John Lateran, Rome, has expressed his "profound regret" that an Aztec service of human sacrifice was celebrated on the main altar on Tuesday, contrary to church law.

A Novus Ordo Aztec Sacrifice.

The service, conducted by Bishop Bakerhuatl and his colleague the beautiful Bishop Mullalotl, used the standard "Novus Ordo" Aztec liturgy out of consideration of Catholic sensibilities. Said Cardinal Roche on hearing of the event, "Well, at least it wasn't an Extraordinary Form Sacrifice conducted in Latin!"

Church Law is very strict about which religions can use the Basilica of St John Lateran. For example, Anglican ceremonies would also be forbidden; this is because the Anglicans already use many churches that were built by Catholics for Catholics, and they have to be watched carefully in case they try to appropriate some more.

"Do you think they'll notice if we change the locks on this church as well?"

The vicar explained that the Aztec service was permitted on account of a "miscommunication". That is, Bishop Bakerhuatl made a friendly phone call asking how St John Lateran was coping with the latest dictates from Arthur Roche and was told "We must all make sacrifices these days". He naturally understood this as an instruction to go ahead.

Staff from Guinness World Records are rushing to Rome to confirm that an apology has actually taken place. "If so, it will be the first apology we've received from the Vatican since 2013," explained one staff member.

Addendum:

New Apparition sighted at Knock Shrine

Witnesses have reported the sighting of a new apparition at Knock in Ireland, which they are convinced is "Old Joe" himself.

Traditionally, Old Joe is portrayed as a character with horns, a forked tail, etc., but this time he appeared as an old man, wandering around as if lost, sniffing the hair of passers-by, and groping... well, never mind. There were reports that his hands had blood on them: however, some reports say that it was merely chocolate chip ice-cream.

"The sign said KNOCK, so I knocked."

Those who observed the apparition had little doubt that it was Old Joe himself. "That's the Father of Lies, to be sure," said one visitor who had been learning Irish from a book. "He claimed to be an Irishman, Begorrah! on the grounds that among his ancestors were some Irish folk who died 200 years ago. Ochone!"

Among great evils attributed to Old Joe are his support for the slaying of babies in the womb, the destruction of marriage, and "gender-changing" operations on children. There is some suggestion that the people who run Knock had foreseen the possible apparition of Old Joe, since they had closed down all Masses for the day, thus preventing the evil one from trying to receive Communion.

Knock will reopen when a complete exorcism has taken place.

You may regard Old Joe as a figure of fun, but he is very dangerous.

Royal Palaces could become Catholic monasteries

It is reported today that King Charles has not ruled out the possibility of making reparations to the Catholic Church for the actions of King Henry VIII in dissolving the monasteries and nationalizing the churches and cathedrals.

Buckingham Palace said on Thursday that his Majesty took the issue ``profoundly seriously" having previously expressed his ``personal sorrow" over the suffering of Catholics who were robbed and martyred by the Tudors.

A Palace spokesman said that the question whether the King might donate his royal residences - Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral, etc. - to the Catholic Church for use as cathedrals - or, more practically, as desirable monasteries - amounted to speculation as this stage, but could not be ruled out.

Soon to be St Thomas More Abbey?

"It makes a lot more sense than trying to `compensate' victims of slavery, when after all we were the ones who abolished slavery, doesn't it!" commented the spokesman.

If the Royal Family does decide to vacate its properties, it will no doubt require alternative accommodation, and the Royal Househunter Poursivant has already been looking for suitable property in the Islington area ``where all the rich woke people live".

An alternative possibility is that King Charles may choose to live somewhere like Fountains Abbey, which would require too much trouble to rebuild to its original purposes.

A home suitable for a king?

Fountains is one of many examples of Reformation Architecture. As the Estate Agents point out, it is very well-ventilated, with many walls and windows removed to enhance the views of the surrounding countryside and cut down on maintenance costs. Since Fountains has no roof, the rooms are also provided with ecologically sensitive shower facilities, which consume no energy. (One can wear one's crown if the rain is too heavy.)

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very appreciative of the King's plans, and hope to be allocated a ruined abbey of their own in due course. "Meghan gets a bit emotional sometimes," quipped Harry, "and if the house is already vandalised she can throw plates around without anybody minding."

Shall we see the Sussexes moving to Whitby?

The last eight saints

We have reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Uncrowned Saints, and because Elon Musk, in his wisdom, is changing the rules of Twitter polls, this may be the last one we run. It also has to be completed by Easter Saturday.

So - unless we can find a way round this - no more world cups of bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), bad cardinals (Cupich), ugly churches (St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan), instruments from Hell (vuvuzela) etc. etc.

So we'll use this post to record the results of the final rounds of the (last?) Twitter World Cup.

Pope Leo XIII 61.8 v Fulton Sheen 38.2

Leo takes it, surprisingly easily. Well, they are both very strong candidates, whatever Cardinal Dolan thinks.

G.K. Chesterton 51.8 v Karl I of Austria 48.2

The lead changed hands several times, but finally GKC won the contest. The vote was 52-48, but all requests for a second "people's vote" that might give a different answer will be rejected.

Pope Pius XII 58.9 v Pope Benedict XVI 41.1

Experience tells, as the old campaigner beats the newcomer in the Pope v Pope quarter-final.

Thomas à Kempis 51.4 v Marcel Lefebvre 48.6

A lot of SSPX fans voted in earlier rounds, but Tom managed to scrape through this time.

---

Semi-finals (starting on Easter Sunday).

Pope Leo XIII 71.7 v Pope Pius XII 28.3

A "two popes" semi-final. Leo takes this, surprisingly easily, and declares himself "fighting fit" as the final approaches.

G.K. Chesterton 47.6 v Thomas à Kempis 52.4

A "two writers" semi-final. A close match, and Thomas heads for the final, leaving GKC to contest the bronze halo.

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Pope Pius XII 55.6 v G.K. Chesterton 44.4

Pius takes the bronze halo. John Cornwell bites his leg off in embarrassment.

FINAL

Pope Leo XIII 64.1 v Thomas à Kempis 35.9

A surprisingly easy win for Leo. Gold halo for him, and silver for Thomas.