Vatican welcomes Olympics opening ceremony

Last week's Olympics opening ceremony has been greeted warmly by Vatican staff and their friends. For any readers who were on another planet at the time, the highlight was a re-enactment of the Last Supper, in which a charming young lady called Miss Piggy (memo: check name) played the part of Jesus.

A spiritually nourishing scene.

Said Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis - the new Messiah?", top synodalist, and part-time kenotic decenterer, "Just as Pachamama was a representation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we see the Olympic scene as a faithful representation of the Last Supper, produced by devout Catholics. My only criticism is that there were no Rupnik murals decorating it."

Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia, president of the Pontifical Academy for Lust, said, "Well of course I have to say I'm condemning it, but after all, everyone, absolutely everyone, wants to sit at the table where Jesus gives his life for all and teaches love." Make of that what you will.

Other highlights of the Olympic opening ceremony included a mocking of the martyrdom of Marie Antoinette who - do we have to keep saying this? - NEVER said "Let them eat cake" (or even "brioches"). For reasons that some of us have never understood, the French like celebrating The Reign of Terror (and they even sing a disgusting song about filling ditches with blood).

Saint Denis is not amused either.

And what of "Pontifex" Francis himself? Well, his Twitter message was "The authentic Olympic and Paralympic spirit is an antidote against the tragedy of war and a way to put an end to violence. May sport build bridges, break down barriers, and foster peaceful relations." As Joe Biden puts it, "And they call ME clueless?"

Which brings us to Fr James Martin, who is of course the leading Catholic bridge-builder, and also a sports fan. "Why is there no Ignatian Yoga event at the Olympics?" he moaned. "We Jesuits could really clean up here."

And now the punch line...

Finally, Paris produced a worthy opening ceremony, as the Sacré-Coeur Basilica remained illuminated, while the neighbouring buildings were plunged into darkness. Sometimes, God shows His sense of humour.

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According to this lookalike, the opening ceremony was intended to be synodal.

How to get rid of a turbulent priest

Probably several of my readers will one day become pope (Hi, Blase! Hi, Arthur! Hi, Tina!) and will need me to advise them on how to behave. Today's topic is the vexed one of getting rid of a priest you don't like. These days, popes don't often poison priests - in fact Francis has been a model non-poisoner - and the most common solution is simple laicisation. But of course we don't laicise everyone who offends.

For example, Cardinal Cocaine, who wears a lampshade on his head and knows all about "gay" orgies can't really be said to be a problem!

Not a problem.

Likewise, Father Jimbo SJ, who can't take a cup of tea without relating it to LGBT issues, and whose Biblical teaching is best described as "imaginative", is to be welcomed into the Vatican and asked for his advice! Then there's Archbishop Paggles, who stars in homoerotic murals, doesn't really understand what a Pontifical Academy for Not Bumping People off is supposed to do, and seems to be in all sorts of other troubles. He's safe. Even Fr Rumpy, who won a prize for the worst ecclesial art ever seen, who has trouble keeping his vestments on, and who solves his problems by absolving the people he has sinned with, only gets a brief slap on the wrist from the CDF.

Rumpy's masterpiece - a drunken man surrounded by custard pies.

But what's the point of being pope if you can't sack a few people? Aha! I have it! There's this Pavanne chap of "Priests Against Murder", who is admittedly rather eccentric in his methods. Worst of all he is very very very pro-life! Emma Bonehead isn't at all happy! Mariana Mozzarella has complained!

Sack him! But do it in a Jesuit way - i.e., don't say exactly why you're sacking him. Mutter something about blasphemous communications (Uncle Wilt has explained to you that backing Donald Trump is a hideous blasphemy) and accuse him of disobeying his bishop (a catch-all, as sometimes you have to choose between God and your bishop).

Public Enemy Number One.

You are, of course, a merciful pope (as well as a humble one), so you won't be sending the Swiss Guard round to do a Thomas Becket on him. Well, not this week. Thank Heavens that the art of removing turbulent priests has evolved since the days of Henry II, and you can simply cast him into outer darkness!

Satan appointed to Pontifical Academy for Life

Archbishop Paglia has expressed his delight at the appointment of Satan, the well-known religious figure, as a new member of the Pontifical Academy for Life. In a statement on Twitter, Monsignor Paglia said "The @PontAcadLife is grateful to the Holy Father for the appointment of new Members of the Academy. Together with existing Members they will provide unique expertise as the #Magisterium addresses new challenges and strengthens commitment to #Jesus and His commands."

The PAL in session.

Satan's CV is indeed impressive, and he is known to have personal experience of Jesus and His commands. Attracting such a well-known figure to the academy is clearly a great coup for Pope Francis. It was at first thought that the Father of Lies would be reluctant to join, having seen that another of those appointed for a five-year term is the pro-abortion Mariana Mazzucato, but "Hey! We all have to tolerate people with more extreme views than we have ourselves," he said.

Will Satan be able to work with colleagues such as Mazzucato?

Satan was mentioned in Austen Ivereigh's 2020 Book "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to get some sleep", where the Pope described his work as "thinking that is not ideological, which moves beyond the polarization of free market capitalism and state socialism". Oh, sorry, that was Mazzucato.

Even the Babble-on Bean has taken note...

Naturally the Illiterati are excited about the appointment of Satan to the Pontifical Academy. The Babble-on Bean, a satirical website run by Massimo Faggioli, is full of praise for him as a moderating influence on the PAL. And of course Christopher Lamb has rushed to interview him.

It is hoped that this appointment will help restore the reputation of PapePAL, as the Pontifical Academy is commonly known, especially as so many people have deserted it recently. The British parliament in particular is delighted, having just voted to criminalize prayer, genuflection and even crossing oneself within a buffer zone round abortion clinics.

Inflammatory slogans such as "WE CAN HELP" are to be banned!

Pope Francis re-applies for his job

In line with the brilliant strategy adopted by Archbishop Paglia for reorganizing the pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family in order to hide the fact that Amoris Laetitia is inconsistent with Familiaris Consortio and Veritatis Splendor - sack the president and professors, and make the latter re-apply for their jobs - it has been agreed that natural justice demands a similar purge throughout the Catholic Church.

"You're all fired!"

The first step in this reorganization is for Pope Francis to re-apply for the job of Pope. He has been asked to send in a CV and two testimonials - probably they will be from Austen Ivereigh and Stephen Walford - saying that he is the most suitable person for the job, and an all-round decent guy who is humble, merciful, non-rigid, reliably infallible, and not at all bossy.

The St Gallen Mafia is a little weakened at present, what with the loss of Danneels and Murphy-O'Connor, but old Wally Kasper is still doddering along on two brain cells, and new recruits are already presenting themselves, such as Marx, Cupich, and Maradiaga. The St Gallen Mafiosi can be relied upon to do what they can to make sure that Pope Francis is reappointed; if they succeed, the traditional white smoke will be replaced by the burning of strange Amazonian plants, ordered in by Cardinal Coccopalmerio.

But the purge does not end there. Many priests, bishops and cardinals considered unsuitable for their jobs will also be moved on to other ministries.

Paglia will go back to his career as a comedian and pianist.

A full list of the sacked staff is not yet available, and will depend on who replaces Pope Francis, should he be unsuccessful in his job application. Fearing that Sarah, Burke, or even Müller will get the top job, some of the more dodgy priests in just-about-good-standing-I-suppose are looking for alternative jobs. Will Fr James Martin become a ballet dancer? Will Bishop Arnold open a hairdressing salon? You read it here first.

Fr Spadaro is expected to retrain as a Maths teacher.