To those of us in the know, "My heart goes out to you" - or in German "Heil Hitler!" - is a code phrase meaning "We are ready to annex Canada, Panama, Greenland, and Poland." Don't be fooled by its appearance in a pro-life context. If you need more proof, look at this message from that well-known fascist King Charles III in the guise of condolences for the recent air crash in Washington.
His first inclination was to make it a temple of Pachamama, but in the end this was considered too "Catholic" so Anglicanism was the solution, as it does not presuppose any particular belief system.
Your new-look Hagia Sophia.
"This should improve the Turkish tourist industry no end," explained the good man. "Both Christians and Muslims love helter-skelters, crazy golf, and artists' installations. The spiritually nourishing sight of an imam shouting 'Wheee!' as he slides down the helter-skelter will do a lot for ecumenism."
Historically, the Hagia Sophia was built as a Christian cathedral, but in 1453 Mehmed the Conqueror, tired of seeing idols of Pachamama, artists' installations (this is what artists make when they can't do art), and tango-ing priests, had it turned into a mosque, and everything went quiet for a few hundred years. Later it became a museum. However, a glorious future now dawns.
"We're hanging up our washing on the Sophia line!"
However, some critics have said that this is simply a case of Turkey voting for Christmas. We shall see.
"I thank God that I am not a sinner like Mr Cummings."
Led by Dr Worzel Gummidge, Bishop of Manchester, the Church of England bishops have finally agreed on an issue for the first time since 1558 - Dominic Cummings must go! And they're cross, they're very cross - unless he does go, they will refuse to cooperate with the government!
Apparently the decision was reached by a ZOO conference - this is a bit of software that allows you to see lots of little cages on your screen, each containing a bishop. The "Cummings out" doctrine has proved so popular that it is likely to become the 40th article of Faith, with a wording something like:
Article XL: That DOMINIC CUMMINGS is denounced as a wicked and vexatious person, who ran rings round us over Brexit. Accordingly we curse him, reject all his works, and condemn him as an evil spirit.
After 2 months of lockdown, Dr Gummidge could do with a haircut.
So, if Cummings isn't going(s), what will the strike mean? No more bishops lounging around in the House of Lords, no more writing stiff letters to the Guardian about how ghastly Boris is, no more invitations for cabinet ministers to attend agreeable sherry parties, no more praying. Well, praying has more-or-less stopped anyway, since the churches are closed, and the Anglican bishops are anxious not to reopen them for the forseeable future (unlike the Catholic bishops who consider the churches to be the House of God).
Rare praise for Vincent Nichols!
In fact the only senior member of the Church of England administration who has ever been known to collaborate usefully with the government is the Supreme Governor herself, Queen Elizabeth, age 94. So far she has not told us whether she is also going on strike, but maybe Bishop Worzel knows.
You never saw me going on strike!
Well, at first I misunderstood. I thought they were referring to zones where old buffers like me could sit and relax, untroubled by my neighbours praying! In the Anglican Church we call them cathedrals, and they usually have a crazy golf course or helter-skelter to help bring in the customers!
But, no, it actually refers to buffer zones round abortion clinics. My dear friend Juq the Ruppa (memo: check name) is a great fan of these, especially in Ealing, and she certainly doesn't want to see people praying!"
"You could say they're doing the wrong thing, you could say they’re doing the right thing, you can say it's their right, you can say that the baby has rights ... uh..."
What Welby really said, script written by his assistant Rev. Enid Waffle.
Political leaders welcomed Welby's views. "You wouldn't think he was one of those God-botherers, would you?" said a prominent Labour MP, K. Herod. His own party has decided to decriminalise all abortions, and is now looking seriously at allowing the possibility of killing all children up to the age of 6, after which they will of course have the vote.
"No, he's very enlightened," agreed E. Nero, a Liberal Democrat MP. "Welby's the sort of sound man that would be welcome in our party, unlike those Christians we chucked out." His party is looking into the possibility of making pregnancy illegal, and - being liberal - only killing children up to the age of 4.
These views of Archbishop Welby may lead to an ecumenical crisis, as Catholics (even Vincent Nichols) are unlikely to participate in ceremonies to bless abortion clinics. However, when did you last hear a Catholic priest - far less, a bishop - denounce abortion from the pulpit? As St Stephen put it: "Hey, guys, I was only joking when I said I believed in Christ. Put those stones down!"
Francis: We've dropped the adultery and idolatry commandments. That's as far as we can go now.
Welby: Hold my beer!
He is too modest. For a team of EU Grandees (Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk, old Uncle Verhofstadt and all) have reciprocated by pointing out that in fact the Church of England is the greatest dream realised for human beings since... well, since before Christ in fact, as all HE could do was to found the Catholic Church.
Can I join, Justin?
As the grandees pointed out, the Church of England is unique in that it is the only religion that caters for all possible beliefs. Do you believe in the existence of God? Yes? No? Welcome! Do you believe that women can be priests? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. Are you pro-life? Yes? No? We don't care! How about same-sex marriage? For? Against? It's all the same to us. Are you a Muslim? We probably have a church for you too.
The only (well not the only) church in which any fool can be a bishop, and many are!
Everything you expect in a church... except God.
Being a Catholic isn't easy. You're suppose to avoid sin, and, since this is basically impossible, you have to confess, be absolved, and start again. Anglicans don't have this problem, as the only sins they acknowledge are Euroscepticism, Climate Change scepticism, and of course a lack of enthusiasm for Equality and Diversity in all shapes and sizes (oops, a dwarfophobic comment there).
Great job opportunities!
Catholics are also supposed to attend Mass once a week. This seems so dreadfully unfair, when Anglicans only attend church three times in a lifetime - once to be drenched from the font, once to get hitched to some person of the opposite (?) sex - well maybe more than once in this case - and once in a wooden box, when the priest will say how wonderful you were, and the congregation will sing "My Way".
Contrast that with a Requiem Mass, in the Catholic tradition, where you will maybe get the Dies Irae, which is a little poem explaining that the dear departed was probably unsaved, and is certainly going to have a rough time at the Day of Judgement.
Women who dress up as Catholic priests just aren't taken seriously! Unlike Anglicans, ha ha.
Nope, as the Three Wise Men of the EU have pointed out, Anglicanism was a wonderful step forward for the human race - well done, Henry VIII! Indeed, an Anglican's life is tailored to your individual needs. Why, no wonder the churches are full to the brim.
Oh... aren't they?
The book is jolly exciting, as it hav lots of bludshed in it, and people being hung, drawn and quatered cheers. I asked mr crannmer if we could do a skool play with fotherington-tomas in the roll of edmund campoin, but he said no, hitchens, fotherington-tomas may be a cathlic but you must show MERCY. This is wot he calls being ECUMENICKLE chiz chiz. I discard him.
We hav also been reeding fox's book of maters, which explanes that all the angliccans that died were HEROES and all the cathlics were traitors. Who would have thort that religoin could do that my dere?
The hitchens-peason anti-cathlic trapp.
Anyway, in brief the story is that all cathlics were giulty of TREESON, because POP PUIS V in ROM said that GOOD QUEEN BESS was a HERETTIC and not SAVED and shuold not be the QUEEN. So it was ILLEGAL to be a cathlic preist, and also to go to MASS. In fact it was probabbly ILLEGAL to beleive in God, becuase I asked MR WELLBY the skool chaplin, and he says that the traditoin of ATHIESM in the church of enggland is very strong even to this day.
This is MAGARET CLITHEROE who was a secret agent for POP PUIS chiz.
We also studdied the MATERDOM of magaret clitheroe, who was a sort of MARTYR HARI spy for the POP and spent her time sheltering cathlic preists rather than doing the PATROITIC THING and handing them over to be hung, drawn and quatered. She was killed by having HEAVY WIEGHTS squashing her, which was a GOOD THING and made everyone VERY HAPPY.
Well thats all ive got time for now, but you can lern more about the GOLDEN AGE of RELIGOIN on my twitter account or the MALE ON SUNDAY.
Why is Ecclesão always omitted from the Fatima records?
Ecclesão always claimed that Mary entrusted him with the fourth - and most significant - prediction, which would come to pass exactly 100 years later. According to his account, the message went as follows:
"Now, Ecclesão, pay attention, as I have an important warning to deliver to you. Stop scratching, and put that phone away - you won't get a signal for another 100 years anyway.
There will come a time when the Church has two popes living - one aged 90, who will be called Benedictus (blessed), and one aged 80 who will be called Franciscus. The older man will spend his declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, a just reward for a life of holiness. Beware the younger man, for he will reject the teaching of his forefathers, even the present Pope, Benedict XV.
The evil one tempted him, and he did read the words of Beattie and Küng.
There will be many and diverse quarrels in the Church at that time. Franciscus will prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. There will come a man from the New World who will ask five questions of Franciscus, and what do you think he will reply?"
Ecclesão: No, yes, yes, yes, yes?
"Nice try, Ecclesão, but no coconut [editor's note: this is an untranslatable Portuguese idiom]. Nay, Franciscus will remain silent - at least when it comes to answering the five questions, although he will plot against the man from the New World, and he will let it be known privily that the answers are in fact 'Yes, no, no, no, no', although he will not dare say so in public.
And the Lord shall smite the ungodly one, though he be a Jesuit.
Look towards the Sovereign Order of Malta, Ecclesão, and see the damage wrought. The holy men of the order will distribute engines to prevent the conception of children, and their grandmaster will essay to stop them. But Franciscus will take over the Sovereign Order and seek to appoint a new grandmaster. Yeah, he will even attempt to ban their grandmaster from Rome, although he will soon discover that he hath no such power.
Ecclesão: This is pretty ghastly, isn't it? Can I go now?
Do not interrupt, Ecclesão. This is the story of end times. In 100 years from now the Church must make a decision. Will it persuade Franciscus to take a humble pension, and retire to Dunrantin, the home that is prepared for him? If so, then there may come a man of dark skin with the name of a girl, who will succeed Franciscus in the Chair of Peter and restore true teaching. Or will Franciscus continue to rage, until the time cometh when a man of the Eastern Philippians, who already seeketh supreme power, will be ready to bring destruction upon the Church?
Ecclesão: it's enough to drive you into the arms of the Anglicans, isn't it?
At this point the Virgin Mary laughed heartily and disappeared.
Asparagus with Worcester sauce - Ecclesão is shown a strange vision of the future.
[Editor's note: of course it's possible that naughty Ecclesão made the whole thing up.]
The Scottish Episcopal Church (which is like the Church of England, except that they play the bagpipes and throw cabers around the church) has got itself into trouble with a reading from the Koran at St Mary's Cathedral, Glasgow. The row escalated and one of the Queen's chaplains has resigned.
"How am I supposed to play Bach fugues if you're doing Donald, where's yer troosers?"
Surely that's not a problem? I mean, the Koran reading said that Jesus was not the Son of God, but we have to be tolerant these days, and if that's what the Provost really believes, then there is room for dialogue on this question. Perhaps an Anglican synod will soon be voting for this proposition with a 2/3 majority, as they did a few years ago for the proposition that Jesus got it wrong on the issue of the ordination of women.
"Father Shaykh Ibrahim Mogra will be preaching tonight on 'Why Mohammed is better than Jesus'."
As an extra piece of comedy, the notoriously bossy Glasgow police managed to get in on the act, as it was claimed that there was a "hate-crime" issue here, when people complained about the betrayal of Our Lord in a Christian church. Apparently, they should have done the "Glasgow kiss of peace" first, to make it a love-crime.
LATE NEWS: Glasgow Cathedral announces an ecumenical service with worshippers of the Tiger God. As the provost puts it: such events lead to deepening friendships locally, to greater awareness of the things we hold in common, and to dialogue about the ways in which we differ.
No bagpipes, as they'll upset the Tiger God.
The other spiritually nourishing thing to report from the Anglican church is a joint statement on the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, issued by Archbishops Welby and Sentamu. They list some (rather vague) blessings that European Christians have received to which the Reformation directly contributed, although they forget to say anything about the destruction of churches and abbeys.
There is a mention of people being put to death, but you will agree that the following sentence justifies the Reformation in its entirety: Remembering the Reformation should bring us back to what the Reformers wanted to put at the centre of every person's life, which is a simple trust in Jesus Christ.
Justice for Henry VIII at last (and yes, that is a chair-leg).
Readers of this blog are generally cultivated people, and will remember this passage from The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - I'm sorry, I mean A Man for all Seasons, in which Henry VIII tries to explain the Reformation to (not yet St) Thomas More.
Henry: Now, mark you, Thomas. does a man need a pope to tell him what to do? This one has sent me an insulting message, telling me that under no circumstances may I marry fair Anne.
Thomas: Indeed, your Majesty, I do not think any pope would dare say otherwise, at least not in our lifetimes.
Henry: Can he not hold a synod, and get his staff to write a document that allows me to marry as many times as I wish?
Thomas: No, I really don't think we'll get very far with that idea, Sire.
A self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian gets his come-uppance.
Henry: Thomas, I plan to put a simple trust in Jesus Christ at the centre of every person's life, as advised by Master Cranmer of Canterbury and Master Lee of York.
Thomas: Is that not going too far, your Grace?
Henry: No. So report to the Executioner in the morning, there's a good fellow.
This week Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, discovered that the Father of his Church was not Jesus, as he had originally supposed, but the well-known medieval king, composer, tennis-player, and bon viveur, Henry VIII.
The defender of the faith.
Those of us who try to live by the maxim "What would Jesus do?" find life difficult enough as it is (perhaps it was a mistake for me to charge into the cathedral with a rope of knotted cords), but living one's life by "What would Henry do?" is also likely to be problematical.
Still, it resolves the problem of divorce and remarriage, which is so vexing the Catholics. Already Anglican clergy can divorce and remarry without any problems, and indeed some of the country's most famous Anglicans have done it. For disposing of second wives, divorce is not a permitted option, but, as Henry showed us, beheading is the best way out. I do hope that Camilla and the second Mrs Giles Fraser are aware of this.
Another good "WWHD" moment occurrs in the Dissolution of the Monasteries. The Anglican Church does its best to commit similar vandalism, for example in ripping out pews from its churches, and making the places as ugly as possible, but of course, they are not alone in this. Clearly, one does need extra space for clowns, puppets, and dancing, and this can best be produced by getting rid of the worshippers.
The next step - a totally dissolved church.
In these ecumenical days, burning people whose beliefs we disagree with - or even simply hanging and disembowelling them - is merely an aspiration rather than standard church policy, but a weakening of "WWHD" was only to be expected when they allowed liberals to dictate the agenda of the Anglican church. As G.K. Chesterton put it, "The Henrician ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult, and left untried."
Some people are simply clueless! A failed Anglican.
Westminster Mosque, before some necessary alterations.
It is expected that Imam John will call the faithful to prayer every morning by shouting some suitable message from one of the towers of the mosque. Suggestions here include yelling the great religious hymn "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy wuzzy hair" at bemused passers-by, or possibly a simple message of invitation such as "There are tea and halal biscuits being served in the Giles Fraser Chapel." Since Westminster Abbey will be a "Liberal Muslim" mosque, we do not expect to see any signs of radical Islam, although the Teenagers' Radicalization Group will continue to meet on Wednesday evenings. Indeed, Canon Jane Sinclair will continue as a "Lady Imam", although naturally she will need to wear a burkha.
Will Vincent Nichols follow suit at Westminster Cathedral, which already resembles a mosque?
It is thought that the explanation for the change from Anglican (well, originally Catholic) Abbey to Islamic mosque may be linked to the promise from Labour leader Ed Miliband that "Islamophobia" will be made a crime if he wins the forthcoming general election. Christians, of course, enjoy no such protection.
Fighting against Islamophobia!
This week's brain-teaser: a homosexual couple goes to a Muslim baker's demanding a "same-sex wedding" cake. When the Muslim proprietor refuses, they sue him. Is he guilty of homophobia, or are they guilty of Islamophobia?
St Libidina of Stockport.
Such was her piety that St Libby was described by the legendary Archbishop Sentamu (a man of such exalted station that he was outranked only by Archbishop Welby, Queen Elizabeth II and God - and even then, only just) as "following in the footsteps of St Margaret Clitherow."
"Actually, I meant to say Jimmy Clitheroe, but nobody noticed."
St Margaret Clitherow was a Catholic Saint who was martyred in 1586 by being crushed with rocks (this was in the reign of Good Queen Bess, and was part of her policy of "tolerance towards Catholics"). St Libidina, on the other hand, suffered far greater woes, as she saw a succession of useless no-hopers appointed to the job of bishop - this is also a Catholic tradition - while she was sent out to make the tea and do the washing-up. Was she never to wear the coveted hat of a bishop?
St Margaret Clitherow - her martyrdom was considered a "luxury" by Yorkshiremen.
Of course traditions in the two churches do differ. The Catholics are forced to follow in the sexist footsteps of Jesus Christ, a man who never said anything significant about equality and diversity, women's issues, or the right to wear Babylonian fish hats. The Anglicans, on the other hand, take their lead from Henry VIII, a man who married six times and fully knew how to give a girl a good time (at least for a while).
The latest in bishop's mitres.
The day of St Libidina's fast-track consecration/ ordination/ promotion/ redeployment to an executive role in Anglico was itself full of drama. As the Archbishop read out the traditional words "Does any sexist mail chauvinist pig know any just cause or impediment why this girl may not be given a key to the bishops' washroom?" there came a cry of "Put a sock in it, Sentamu!" Nonetheless, a miracle occurred, and Archbishop Sentamu managed to achieve something that Christ Himself would never have dared to do. Yes, St Libidina had made it to the Board of Directors!
The dreaded CofE flag (to interpret this, reflect a little).
We do have some anecdotal evidence. Said Mrs Enid Shavius, 84, "I was sitting peacefully at home, when a dreadful man knocked on the door and said he was the 'vicar'. Before I knew where I was I was offering him a cup of tea and listening to his readings from the collected sermons of George Carey. When I woke up, he had disappeared, taking my ginger biscuits with him."
If you see this man, do not invite him in for tea.
Said another witness, Colonel John Vendimus, 76, "I was disgusted to see one of those Anglican women in the street, dressed in the sort of ridiculous costumes that they are encouraging them to wear these days. I didn't give my life in the Boer war to see women being degraded in that way."
Anglican women wearing a degrading and unbecoming costume.
Finally, Miss Maureen Latin-Mass, 55, complained that an aggressive woman came round to her house, demanding "something for our jumble sale - it's in aid of the Anglican Church's Mission to Seafarers". She had to give the woman an old scarf, a pot of turnip jam and an unwanted copy of The God Delusion before she would go away.
The Mission to Seafarers did well this year.
So there we have it - evidence that the Anglican Church has a policy of systematic extortion and repression. Just like ISIS, in fact.
Not the actual church, but something like it.
The church itself was built in Catholic times, several hundred years before the Reformation. I'm told that when the Church of England was set up they planned to construct a whole new set of churches, but thanks to the generosity of the Catholic Church, which lent them its own buildings, they didn't need to.
The first hymn was Onward, Christian Soldiers. I am not sure whether this was chosen as being appropriate for Lent, or because we are soon expecting to fight a re-run of the Crimean war. The hymn has a stirring tune by Sir Arthur Sullivan, and this verse in particular stood out:
Like a mighty army Moves the Church of God; Brothers, we are treading Where the Saints have trod. We are not divided; All one body we: One in hope and doctrine, One in charity.This is where the Anglicans definitely have the edge - I don't think the Catholics could sing "One in hope and doctrine" with a straight face (see this blog, passim, for reasons why not). But then a dreadful thought struck me? Was S. Baring-Gould being satirical? Were Baring-Gould and Sullivan a comic partnership similar to Gilbert and Sullivan?
I don't think he was being satirical there.
I checked this with an Anglican after the service. "Don't you have dissenters too? Some Anglicans want women bishops, some don't believe in the authority of women priests. Some of you campaign for same-sex weddings, and others think they're an abomination?"
"No, Eccles, we all believe in the traditional Christian doctrine handed down by our ancestors. We may allow some women to call themselves bishops, but nobody really takes them seriously."
The comic vestments are a hint that she is not to be taken seriously.
Then I thought of Giles Fraser, and realised that the Anglicans do have the official position of "comedy vicar" - a spiritual version of court jester - which does not exist in the Catholic Church, although some very well-qualified people are campaigning for its introduction.
The sermon was rather good. Part of the message was again relevant to the Catholic Church with which I am more familiar - the vicar was explaining the virtues of obedience, and he said in an exasperated tone that some people thought that obedience was only for dogs. Perhaps all is not well in the C of E? Do they have people like Hans Küng? Is there an Anglican ACTA trying to undermine Justin Welby? These are deep waters, Watson.
An obedient dog.
We had four hymns, all dating from the 19th century or earlier - in contrast with the last but one Catholic Mass I went to, where all four hymns were from the 1960s or later. We even had "Who would true valour see" by Bunyan, which would make a perfectly good Catholic hymn too. This was the traditional version with hobgoblins, foul fiends and lions to fight, rather than the weaker version one sometime sees; however, it was mildly modernised to "No goblin or foul fiend". I am not sure whether a goblin with a hob is better or worse than a hob-less one.
This will not daunt his spirit.
Oh, there was one dreadful part of the service. The infamous "Sign of Peace". The little country church had about thirty worshippers, and approximately fifteen of them insisted on shaking hands with me - in a Catholic Mass it might be eight out of 150. I had the feeling that some people had got up that Sunday morning and said "I'll bet I can shake hands with thirty people today. My average over the last ten services is 28.4."
Practising for the "peace".
Still, apart from that, a good time was had by all.
