Baroness Warsi quits the Catholic Church

In a stunning body-blow to the Catholic Church, Sayeeda Hussein Warsi, also known as Baroness Warsi, has announced that from now on she is joining the Muslims, acknowledging the prophet Mohammed as her redeemer and saviour. This high-profile defection is so calamitous that Cardinal Nichols will probably have to resign, and even the papacy itself is threatened.

The reasons given are that Warsi could no longer stand the hatred and nastiness she encountered in the Catholic Church. However, as far as we know she has never even met Fr Thomas Rosica, so it is not clear what the problem was.

"I'm not a turncoat," insists Baroness Warsi.

The most remarkable aspect of this defection is that - as with her high-profile "defection" on the Brexit referendum - nobody had the faintest idea that she was ever on the other side.

LATE NEWS: Baroness Warsi has spoken out again, saying, "From now on I identify as a woman, and anyone who refers to me as 'Fred Warsi' is guilty of a transphobic hate crime." The mother-of-one has made it clear that she is does not wish to be regarded as a member of the racist, xenophobic, nasty, male sex. In this case, we are happy to go along with her wishes.

"Don't worry, he only attacks Catholics."

In other news, the Pope has "defected" to the Catholic Church.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 8: Getting tough with ISIS

Continued from Part 7.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage, and have now arrived in Portugal. Prime Minister David Cameron takes up the story.

I may not care about ISIS but I'm very worried about iced fish.

As Prime Minister, I find that a period of rest and relaxation is a very important part of my job, and so Samantha and I headed for Cascais in Portugal, in order to recharge our batteries by making an in-depth study of fish markets. We were just giggling at an overgrown Scottish Salmond that had run aground and been caught out, when in walked a young man in a red biretta accompanied by an old lady clutching a gin bottle.

"Enjoying your holiday?" asked the rather vacant-looking man, whose name, it later transpired, was Eccles.

"This is a time for difficult, and I may say, unpopular decisions," I replied sternly. "I have a positive vision of what is needed for a fair and just dinner tonight; however, I still have to convince Samantha that our future depends on going for the efficiency and flexibility of a meal based on haddock, rather than the more popular short-term alternative of cod."

"Oh really. Heard the news, by the way?" asked Eccles. "ISIS is committing genocide in the Middle East, Christians are being massacred, and President Obama has responded by getting his golf handicap down to 22."

George Galloway - hitting Israel where it hurts by banning their tourists from Bradford.

"Woeful!" screeched the old lady who, I later discovered, was Eccles's aunt.

"Yes, I thought things had gone quiet," I rejoined. "We seem to have lost someone called Baroness Whowasshe over the Gaza issue - I was never quite sure how she got into my government in the first place - and she was a Muslim woman, so I am going to have to use Google to find another. Also, Boris wants my job again."

"So you don't propose to do anything to help the Christians in Mosul, or the Yazidis on Mount Sinjar?"

"Oh no, I don't think that would be very popular with our focus groups," I explained. "There are no votes in helping Christians - they refuse to subscribe to my core policy of seizing the middle ground between Good and Evil. And although it might be nice on the grounds of equality and diversity to save a few Yazidi refugees with their 'Peacock Angel' temples, this is not going to help me win the 2015 election, is it? I might alienate the Muslim terrorist vote."

No votes in peacock angels.

"Have you no shame? No conscience?" asked Eccles, his originally-placid countenance suddenly as twisted as Vince Cable gets when I tell him his sums are all wrong.

Luckily, I never go shopping for fish without my personal bodyguard - there are sharks everywhere - and Eccles was hastily escorted away. I have a deep conviction that my policies - based on the old legal maxim of caput in arena*, will soon be widely accepted, even amongst the small Christian community, but it is an uphill struggle to convince them!

*head-in-the-sand

Continued in Part 9.

Relligiuos News

Now dat Damain Thopmson has thrown in de towell, it is up to me Eccles to give you de informed commentarry on de week's relligiuos news.

---

De Pop got a visit from Barroness Warrsi, wot is a Brittish polliticain and a Muslim. Dis was very confussin to me, as de Pop aint allowed to talk to wommen, and Muslim girls aint allowed to talk to men, so I calls dat an impass. But it seems dat in de interests of world peace dey was allowed to be more freindly dan ussual.

Dere main point of agreement was dat dey doesnt like Evan Harrass, wot is a seckularist dat dey calls Dr Death. Sometimes when I goes knokcin on doors and sayin "Ullo, bruvver, has you been saved?" I finds that de old folks I is talkin to says "Nope, anyways we is just off on holliday to a place called Dignittas." Dat Evan Harrass finks it's a wonderful place, but strangley he never goes dere himself, and we aint never met anyone who has been dere.

---

Richard Dakwins has got hisself into trubble. Dey asked him about Darwin's book "De origin of de speeches" but he cuoldn't rememmber who wrote it and started prayin for divine inspirratoin. So he got humilliated by Giles Fraser, wot is a costume holly man who lost his job and now lives in a tent outside St Pauls. Dakwins reckoned dat you needs to know all de books of de Bibble in order, if you is a true Chritsian. I knows dem of cuorse, for example if you says "4" to me, I replies "Nubmers", cos 4 is a nubmer.

Acksherly I is very cross wiv Dakwins, as he has written a book abuot me, which seems to be a bit creul. I fink he is angry about de hard-hittin blogg I writes explanin dat he aint saved.

---

Biddeford Town Counsel has been told by a jugde (or cosstume unholly man) dat dey aint allowed to have prayers before dey meets. It seems dat de Natoinal Seckular Soceity throws a wobbly if you mentoins religoin in publick. De jugde in questoin is called Mr Justice Ouseless, and we fink dat de next fing he gonna do is stop de oath in his court. My bruvver Bosco once tried swearin "I promises to tell de truth, de hole truth and nuffink but de truth, but if I doesnt den dont worry, M'Lud, as I is alreddy saved, and I aint gonna go to de Lake of Fire like you is," but dey said dat was Contemtp of Cuort.

Late news: de Minnister, Mr Eric Pickles has overturned de jugdement and so it is now OK to sing "Has you been saved? Yeah!" in Counsel meetins. But I spose de Cathlic Counsellors is gonna be bringin in iddles and kissin em all day long, so it aint all good news.

---

Well I has run out of relligious news so we is back to discussin my dere fambly. Dere has been more sightins of my bruvver Bosco, which is surprisin as we fuoght he was still in Callifornia. He is now a 13th degree freemasson warrlock, and maybe at dat levvel dey is allowed to have astral boddies. At any rate, we keeps seein him actin suspiciuosly near Cathlic churhces. Bosco if you is readin dis, please git in tuoch.

Anti Moly has got a new tattoo, we finks it is somefink to do wiv her long-runnin passoin for Cradinal Pell.

Howevver, she is also a grate admirer of de handsome good looks of Micheal Vorris, a traddy Cathlic wot she saw on de televisoin. To me it seems like de storry of de beuaty and de beast all over again, excpet dat dis time it is de beast wot is female.