In praise of Cardinal Kasper

Coo-ee, Wally-babes!!?? Your Eminence, I mean!!?? It's little Judy Piranha here, the Nun on the Number 6 Bus, Entertainments Officer (!!) at the Convent of Naughtiness!!?? First of all, an apology!!?? I was rude about you my previous post, but that's because I thought you were a nasty traddy, like most princes of the Church!!?? Now I see that you're a sort of Prince Harry of the Church, and you like a good time just as much as the rest of us, baby!!??

The logo of the Extraordinary General Synod on the Family.

So, Wally, dear, you're right about those NASTY African cardinals!!?? We shouldn't listen to them!!?? They're probably CANNIBALS in their spare time, or they do VOODOO, and some of them are WITCH-DOCTORS of the Church!!?? What can they tell us about Christian teaching, eh??!! Don't talk to me about St Augustine of Hippo!!?? He was an African too, and he probably did tribal dances in the jungle!!??

Now, take your own country, Germany, Walter mein Herr!!?? Throughout the 20th century it led the world in morality, compassion, and justice!!?? Well, except for HITLER!!?? And even Hitler was a vegetarian - so no taking bites out of passing sheep for him!!?? The only wool he ever chewed came out of the finest carpets!!?? So shut your face, Cardinal M'bongo (memo, check name!!), we don't want to hear from you and your brethren!!??

Judy Piranha gets tough with the Africans!!??

Western secular values are great, aren't they??!! We're told that it's the age of free love, with sex with whomever you want, whenever you want - but this is what the Catholic Church is MISSING!!?? We could learn a lot from the ANGLICANS here!!?? They don't feel they have to take any notice of what somebody in the BIBLE said about MARRIAGE and the FAMILY!!?? No, they're getting lesbian bishops now, and FUN all the way!!?? Or indeed, take the ATHEISTS!!?? They're TOPS on morality!!?? They must be - when did you ever hear Richard Dawkins announce that he'd sinned!!??

Meanwhile, back at the Synod...

That Relativism post deceptionem is great, isn't it??!! No more whining about GOD, SIN, etc. (YAWN!!), but just those simple words from Alice in Wonderland: Everybody has won, and all must have prizes!!?? Or, in the language used at Vatican II: FROM NOW ON, DO YOUR OWN THING, GUYS!!??

Never mind Cardinals Burke and Hare (memo, check name!!) Of COURSE the Relativism doesn't reflect the discussion so far!!?? It isn't supposed to!!?? It reflects WHERE WE'RE TRYING TO GET TO!!?? And I know Pope Francis agrees with me!!?? He phoned me up at the convent!!?? "Judy, my dear," he said. "You're leading the way in naughtiness, and that's WONDERFUL!!??"

The Synod's conclusion: Everybody has won and all must have prizes!!??

So it's hats off - well, wimples off, and indeed anything else off that you fancy - to Wally Kasper!!?? With him in charge, the Catholic Church is going back to the 1960s, where it truly belongs!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

Have we got news for you?

In Scotland, a pro-life doctor, Doctor John Finlay, has been reported to the General Medical Council, the British Medical Association, the National Health Service, the Office of Fair Trading, Which?, CAMRA, OFGAS, Esther Rantzen, George Galloway, the RSPCA, and the RAC for professional malpractice.

Dr Finlay (R) - a pro-life fiend.

Apparently, a woman came into Dr Finlay's surgery with a young baby who was suffering from an ear infection. Dr Finlay, a staunch Catholic, was quite shocked when the lady said "Well, let's just terminate this one, and I'll have another one, with genetically superior ears." Instead he insulted her by dropping some ear drops into the baby's ear, and sending her home.

Should babies with earache be allowed to continue living?

The Edinburgh Pro-Choice Association (joint presidents, William Burke and William Hare) is up in arms at Dr Finlay's religious bigotry. It has vowed to get him thrown out of his profession, and to prevent all shopkeepers and tradesmen from serving him, in the hope that he and his family will do the decent thing and starve to death. "How is the body-snatching industry going to survive if doctors insist on saving lives?" they asked.

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Meanwhile, further turmoil hit the BBC today after the arrest of Bill the Flowerpotman. Mr Flowerpotman is currently under investigation by the police for alleged sexual harassment of Miss Weed on various occasions in the 1960s, although he has consistently claimed that it was his brother Ben who was guilty.

Bill (sex fiend?) and Ben, with Miss Weed, in happier times.

It seems that Mr Flowerpotman was due to chair the next edition of the news quiz game show Have I got news for you? - his verbal skills being considered far superior to those of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. Hislop, one of the stars of the programme, took time off from thinking of sexual jokes about Catholics for his once-funny magazine Private Eye to comment "Flobadob!" before dissolving into gales of laughter at his own wit.

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Finally, Boston College, the Jesuit University, has confirmed that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Dr Kermit Gosnell, the controversial doctor. "After we awarded one to Enda Kenny, it was a natural step to take," commented a spokesman. "One of our mottoes is Αἰέν ἀριστεύειν (ever to excel) and we look for people who stand out from the crowd, no matter how repulsive they are."

Religioni et Bonis Artibus - but we don't take this too seriously.