How would God vote?

In this post about British politics we shall (as usual) take the mainstream Christian view of God, namely as the Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Spirit. So those with imperfect viewpoints who see God as Allah, Vishnu, the Tiger God, or a bowl of porridge (the Quakers) will be disappointed.

GOD the Father

This one is easy. The Father is an authoritarian figure; indeed He produced the Ten Commandments as a definite policy. He must be a Conservative, probably even a Thatcherite. He would certainly be described as "Strong and Stable".

Allowing the vast majority of his people, except for a wealthy yacht-owner (Noah) and his family, to be drowned in a flood, is the sort of policy that conservatives can only look on with envy.

All right, there's some stuff in the psalms about the Lord being a shepherd, and people lying down in green pastures (definitely appealing to the Greens), but generally the Old Testament has little to say about carbon footprints and recycling plastic bags. So a Tory He must be.

"Vote Conservative! Mind you, I'm not all that keen on Theresa May."

GOD the Son

Jesus is easier to pin down, as He is the only one of the Trinity who is actually human. He was very keen on helping the poor, so it is not surprising that the Labour party would like to claim Him. After all, their main appeal is to poor people such as celebrities (footballers, actors, BBC comedians, etc.), doctors, professors, etc. Oh and a few ex-miners and ex-steelworkers aged about 95.

The other reason why we assign Jesus to the Labour party is that He bears a distinct resemblance to the young Jeremy Corbyn, although without his fondness for Marxism, terrorism, etc. Indeed, as a Jew, Our Lord might feel unwelcome in the modern Labour party.

The IRA theatre players with their re-enactment of the Last Supper.

Still, the "what would Jesus do" people tend to focus on His "Labour" credentials as a touchy-feely softie, rather than His habit of chastising people with ropes of knotted cord (surely a UKIP habit?) - not to mention the threats of Hellfire - so let's provisionally assign Him to Labour.

GOD the Holy Spirit

The problem with the Holy Spirit is that He (or She if you believe James Martin SJ) has never been known to make a precise statement. A lot of hot air rushing around with good intentions... well, that suggests the Liberal Democrats.

"Kumbayah, Lord," say the Lib Dems.

You'll find that the people who mention the Holy Spirit a lot (especially when implying that Christ's teaching could do with a little updating) would fit in well with the Lib Dems: think of their leader Tim Farron and his "these are my principles, but if you don't like them I've got others" attitude to abortion and same-sex weddings.

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So, according to the Trinity, we must expect a hung parliament. Of course, by looking at the early church, we can find representatives of other parties: St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, would be SNP; St Peter, with his suspicion of foreigners, would be UKIP, and so on.

Maybe we can get more guidance by asking a bowl of porridge.

Vincent Nichols conducts a Blue Mass

Following on from his controversial "Gay Mass" at Farm Street, in which he was ably assisted by his yes-man, the incredible Mgr Bottletop, Cardinal Nichols is now planning an even more shocking event, namely, a "Tory Mass". It is expected that many "out" Tories will attend, and that ++Nichols will preach a sermon stressing the role of "Mercy", without however insisting on the orthodox Catholic doctrine that Conservative acts are sinful (the doctrine of Purge-a-Tory). The Mass will take place in the Brompton Ora-Tory, the scene of many scandalous Tory masses.

++Vin forsakes his rainbow vestments for a Tory blue.

Traditionally, Tories have been regarded as in some way "second class" citizens, and the Christian churches have been blamed for fostering anti-Tory bigotry. For example, Canon Giles Fraser was given the prestigious "Bigot of the year" award for Toryphobia by the Tory Rights organization, BlueWall, after expressing the view that Conservatives should not be allowed to marry.

"Toriesssss... we hates 'em, my precious!"

In Rome, the forthcoming Synod on the Family, Part 2, will be addressing the vexed question whether Tories should be permitted to take Communion in the same way as ordinary liberals and socialists are allowed to. For many, Cardinal Kasper's proposals, which would even include letting Tories marry in church, are a step too far.

It is said that in a long-gone degenerate era the Anglican church was regarded as "The Tory Party at Prayer"; eventually, its leaders managed to reform it, removing the Tory elements as well as the prayers. The Catholic Church was more faithful to Christ's teaching that we should all join trades unions, vote Labour, go on strike, read the Guardian, worship the sacred Edstone of St Miliband, deface war memorials, etc. However, nowadays these Toryphobic attitudes are considered obsolete, and it is only in certain repressive countries such as North Korea, Zimbabwe, Iran and France that being a Conservative is actually illegal.

Margaret Thatcher is sent into exile for being a Conservative. Is a royal pardon imminent?

So, although we are usually harsh critics of Vincent Nichols's orthodoxy, his bullying, and his inability to get the date of Ascension Day right, we are going to stick our necks out here and say that in showing compassion to the most despised members of society, he is proving himself to be a true man of God. Wow.