The Book of St Richard, Chapter 21

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. At this time, Richard was leading the fight against the Mohammedites.

2. And he asked the world, "Would it not be a good idea to beam erotic videos to theocracies?"

3. For he wished to shower the lands of Persia, Mesopotamia and Assyria with gentle woman-respecting eroticism, that they might change their ways and follow the path of atheism.

Gentle woman-respecting eroticism.

4. And the unenlightened folk mocked him, saying, "Oh, has he escaped again?" and "Why not send them sausages and bottles of gin, while you're at it?"

5. But Richard knew that he was right, and that the only way to convert the eastern lands was to show them forbidden flesh, such as the uncovered head of a woman.

6. For was it not the case that the warrior John, he whom they called Jihad, would have been able to serve the world as a humble stockbroker, had he been able to indulge in carnal delights involving another consenting adult?

A steamy scene from "Confessions of a Zoology Professor".

7. And many women came unto Richard, saying, "O Richard, let me star in an erotic video with you, but let it be gentle and woman-respecting!"

8. Thus, while he was considering their offers, Richard was elected "Clown of the Internet".

9. Indeed, he had reduced so many people to mirth, that he was given the ROFL prize and the LOL Award. After which he abandoned his plan to bring gentle woman-respecting eroticism to the Mohammedites.

LOL Award.

10. At that time there dwelt in Buxton a man called Dan Rhodes.

11. And this man wrote a story of Richard: his book was called When the Professor Got Stuck in the Snow.

12. Yet, there was no limit to the cruelty of Dan, for he mocked the learned professor, portraying him as arrogant and pompous. Thus there were those who said "Surely this Dan is simply telling it as it is?"

13. On the other hand, there were those who said "This is the biggest nonsense since The God Delusion."

Cruel words from Dan Rhodes.

14. Indeed, Dan showed none of the respect and deference that shineth through The book of St Richard, which ye are now reading.

15. Yet it was known that Richard was a defender of free speech (or even the speech that is paid for), and he did not hesitate to mock Christians, Muslims, or indeed anyone who disagreed with him.

16. So Dan spake unto Richard saying "Wilt thou permit me to publish this book, even though it maketh of you a stock that laughs? For my publishers are men whose nerves are made of spaghetti."

A laughing Stock.

17. But Richard replied not. So that men spake unto each other saying "Lo! He mocketh others, yet he suffereth not himself to be mocked."

18. And therefore they mocked Richard still more.

Continued in Chapter 22.

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The book of St Richard started here.

A profile of Archbishop-elect Capone of Chicago

Bishop Al Capone of Speakeasy, recently appointed Archbishop of Chicago in succession to the much-loved Cardinal George, is not the usual sort of Catholic bishop. When we met him, we started off by asking him about his pro-life credentials, but we were slightly nonplussed by his reply, when it became clear that he was not averse to throwing dissident clergy into the river, their feet encased in concrete boots. Even the Bishop of Lancaster, a hard-liner when it comes to suppressing people who disagree with him, has not yet sunk any of his blogging deacons in the River Lune, as far as we know.

Bishop Capone.

Bishop Capone is clearly a saintly man, and he tells me he is planning something special for the feast of St Valentine next year. I also observed half-a-dozen priests entering his cathedral carrying violin-cases, so I assume that some brilliant musical event is being planned.

The clergy invite an old lady to a musical event.

All things considered, Bishop Capone looks like being a great asset to Catholicism in Chicago. And to think that, owing to a clerical error, they nearly appointed a seminary-closing, pro-life prayer-forbidding extreme-liberal bore called Bishop Blase Cupich instead!

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Meanwhile, in England, Bishop Marcus Stock has been appointed as the new Bishop of Leeds. Stock is said to be a close friend of Cardinal Vincent Nichols, and has even been described as Vin's stockpuppet. Curiously, Damian Thompson of the Telegraph Spectator was once tipping Fr Alban McCoy of Cambridge to the prestigious (and especially enlarged) seat once occupied by Arthur Roche. Clearly, this was a simple confusion between Star Trek personages. As the picture shows, it is Spock who has Vin's ear.

Marcus Spock and Alban McCoy.

Uufortunately, Mgr Raymond Kirk of Chicago was excluded from consideration, owing to his extreme age.

Rebel Catholics meet in Leeds

As reported enthusiastically by The Tablet (a formerly Catholic newspaper), the rebel group "A Call to Action" (ACTA) has taken advantage of the Sede vacante status of the Leeds diocese to occupy Hinsley Hall and preach dissent.

Hinsley Hall. Did ACTA mistake this for the Vatican?

According to the Tablet article, the meeting was organized by Chris Larkman, who lives in FEAR. Said he: "Bishops who are frightened of Rome, laity fearful of priests, priests fearful of bishops. It is not creative and there seems to be a lot of it in the Church."

The reign of terror, stage 1.

The Pope in Rome. If you are a bishop, be VERY afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 2.

A bishop (of sorts). If you are a priest, be EVEN MORE afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 3.

A priest. If you are a layman, why not hide behind the sofa?

Apparently ACTA is calling for better dialogue between bishops and laity on a variety of topics, including "a theology of sexuality more closely rooted in the experiences of the laity." Who knows? Perhaps this means that they will introduce the topic of homosexuality, which after all is NEVER mentioned in Catholic circles.

Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins discuss a theology of sexuality in The Hobbit.

We are relieved to see that Mgr Marcus Stock, the General Secretary of the Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, attended the meeting. Since he is a pillar of orthodoxy (apart from being unable to work out the date of Ascension Day), it is believed that he was alerted when the burglar alarm went off in Hinsley Hall, and he was summoned to investigate. But perhaps he also lives in FEAR. Who knows?

Mgr Stock, evidently afraid of the armed archbishop at his side.