Welcome to the Dolex

Welcome to the Dolex, where lies and falsehoods are buried under the carpet. I'm Timmy Dolan broadcasting on behalf of Church Indolent.

Timmy Dolan does his trademark finger-wiggle.

Today on Church Malignant we are going to expose the past sins of Michael Voris, because he's been a persistent thorn in our flesh - of which we have rather a lot - and is starting to tell people where the bodies are buried.

Yes, before becoming a Good Man, the notorious Voris was... a... Bad Man! This makes a complete mockery of my version of Christianity, where you choose between Good and Evil from the start, and don't attempt to repent! If you're Evil, you stay Evil, and rejected by Christ, even if you rise to the eminent heights of Cardinal!

"These men are dangerous - especially the guy in the middle."

Some of you may say that my hatred of Voris is somehow personal. After all, he regularly tries to disrupt my St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March in New York, he doesn't think much of my attempts to open the doors of Catholicism to let the light of Secularism flood in, and he seems to think that Cardinals should be people worthy of respect. Well, we at Church Ignorant repudiate all this.

The picture below will destroy Voris's reputation for good. Perhaps he'll leave me in peace now?

Voris in Eccles cake scandal. (Not available in England and Wales, owing to a court injunction.)

Eccles comment: In fact, I am blocked from leaving comments on Voris's blog, first for referring to Dolan as "the fat man", and then for complaining about the heavy-handed muddlerators. So I cannot say that Voris is totally saved.

Flannery in America

We are indeed privileged today to be able to print extracts from the travel diary of Tony Flannery, Redemptorist, founder member of the Association of Catholic Priests in Ireland, and general nuisance as far as the Vatican is concerned. Thanks to Flannery's unique powers of observation and deep insights, we learn things about America that nobody suspected until now!

Even more exciting than when Pope Benedict XVI visited!

Monday. Arrived at New York, which turns out to be a city in America, and not in Yorkshire after all. My first impressions are that New York is big - bigger than my home town of Ballydancer, and maybe nearly as big as Cork! Also, it is full of Americans, who speak American, which is very like English, but you have to chew gum while you're talking!

I was met at the airport by Sister Fred of the modernist order of "Nuns in the Taxi", which is in dispute with Vatican, just as I am!
"Hi, there!" she said. "You must be Father Flummery!"
"Flannery!" I replied.
"Oh is it? There's no need to be so rude, buster!"

We eventually sorted this out, and she said that the Nuns in the Taxi were all reading extracts from my new book in place of the Gospel at Mass. I was touched by this, although for some reason they think the book is called REVOLUTION. Perhaps that's the name they've given to the American edition!

One thing I should warn people who come to New York is that all the clocks are four or five hours slow! I pointed this out, but, just to annoy me, they refused to change them! Just like the Vatican! Anyway, I went to my hotel, the Heretic's Arms. For those who aren't seasoned travellers, I should mention that a hotel is a large building with bedrooms in it.

So far I am being treated like royalty - people keep trying to take photos of me in the shower!

The Nuns in the Taxi.

Tuesday: Still in New York. With an artist's eye for observation I have noticed that some of the buildings are quite high. Wait till I tell this to my brother Shameless, who runs the Fine Gael party!

A letter was delivered to my hotel, which shows that I have got the Vatican on the run!

Dear Mr Flummery,

Following the recent Extraordinary Synod on the Flannery, Pope Francis has asked me to invite you for lunch. I'm afraid we can't lay on anything special, so it will be our usual simple meal of soup, entrée, appetizer, hors d'oeuvres, fish course, main course, second main course, third main course, cheese, dessert, pudding, sweet, cake, afters, and perhaps an extra main course to finish off if we're still hungry. I hope you like shrimps, oysters, jellyfish, beef, lamb, goat, panda, camel, haddock, turbot, and dolphin, as we shall be having all of these - and more!

Yours ever, Tim Dolan, Supreme Grandmaster of the Order of St Patrick.

Lunch with a real cardinal!

"October is a very interesting time of year," I told Cardinal Dolan. "It is the time of year known as Autumn, or sometimes Fall. Did you ever notice that all the leaves fall off the trees at this time of year? The Vatican tries to keep this fact secret, but as I have been saying at the top of my voice for the last ten years, I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"

Unfortunately, Cardinal Dolan did not reply to me, as he was chewing his way through a giraffe's neck at the time. This is the sort of rudeness I expect from the Catholic Church.

Wednesday: I am now in Philadelphia! I used to think that this was a word meaning "stamp-collecting", but it turns out to be another big city! I was interviewed by Radio Scalfari, which is a prestigious liberal talk radio station; it has hosted many distinguished theologians in the past, such as Margaret Farley, Hans Küng, Prof. Tina Beattie, and even Richard Dawkins! They recorded an interview with me over the telephone, and promised to broadcast it at 4 a.m. tomorrow, in the very popular "Insomniacs Only" slot, unless something more interesting turned up.

In the evening I had my first speaking engagement, at the prestigious 15th and Market Bus Shelter. I spoke to a massive crowd (too many to count, but approximately 3 people) about how the Catholic Church must adapt to a changing world. I didn't see anyone from the Vatican there, but I am sure that they had sent along a spy. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Long queues of Catholics waiting to hear me speak!

Probably NOT to be continued.

Cardinal Dolittle at the Pearly Gates

The date: about 2050. St Peter (at the Gates of Heaven) is reading some old posts from Eccles's blog. Enter the late Cardinal Timothy Dolittle of New York.

The Laughing Cardinal, by Franz Hals.

Dolittle: You must be St Peter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Peter: Ah, yes, Cardinal Dolittle. We've been expecting you.

Dolittle: Straight into Heaven, then? I hope you've got a good solid double portion of steak and fries waiting for me. I know what I expect from Heaven! Ha ha ha ha!

Peter: Actually, it's not quite as simple as that. For cardinals our usual procedure is that a committee of three saints will take a preliminary look at your case. Exit.

Enter Saints Fulton, Daniel and Patrick.

St Fulton Sheen discovers that laughter is infectious.

Fulton: Yes, well there are certain problems about admitting you to Heaven, Timothy my boy. I seem to remember you put your considerable weight against me about thirty-five years ago, when the Catholic Church was trying to canonize me. Some nonsense about whether my body could be moved. Hmmph, it wouldn't have needed a giant crane, unlike some people's bodies...

Holy Innocents Church, New York.

Daniel: Hi, Timmy! I was one of the Holy Innocents massacred by Herod.

Dolittle: Ha ha ha! You don't look as if you were under 2 years old.

Daniel: No, but nobody wants to spend eternity in diapers (nappies), so when we got up here they let us grow up. Now, Timmy, what's all this about your trying to close down our church in New York?

St Patrick sends the snakes off to work for the National Catholic Reporter.

Patrick: I'm afraid I'm also dissatisfied with your conduct, Timothy, my lad. If Irish people in New York want to celebrate my day with a parade, that's all well and good, to be sure it is. You should be there leading it - waddle, waddle, waddle. But why are you joining with the "gay pride" people in this event? Another failure on your part, Timothy. Ochone!

Re-enter St Peter.

Peter: Have you told him the bad news?

Dolittle (disconcerted): What, no automatic place in Heaven?

Peter: No, son, it'll be 999 years in Purgatory on a bread-and-water diet. Remember, that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for you to get through the gates of Heaven. A very tight squeeze...

He was certainly the life and soul of funerals.

Dolittle: Ha ha ha ha ha!

St Peter (whispers): Do you think we should tell him he'll be sharing a room with Cormac Murphy-O'Connor?

Eccles in New York

I is makin a visit to New York, which is where my bruvver Bosco been hidin recently - de UK aint reely welcomin to poeple wiv his unique tallents. Since my camerra got broken I has had to steel some phottos off de Internet.

I saw dis in de Musuem of Modern Art. It's a man listenin to Paul Inwood's music.

I will try and concentrate on de more spiritaully nuorishin sights dat Bosco and me has seen. New York is of course de place where Cradinal Dollan hangs out, and here is a photto of dis well-nuorished man.

"Joe Biden says he's a pious Cathlic."

Actaully de St Patrick Cathedral is all covered in scaffoldin right now, as de masonry became unsafe when Cradinal Dollan conducted a funeral there and started laughin thunderuosly. But here is a pitcher of what it looks like normally.

St Patrick's Cathedral before de Cradinal luaghed.

I went to de Holy Innocents church, West 37th Street. Bosco aint very good at countin, so we took a hymn book wiv us to help us work out where 37 is rellative to de uvver nubmers. Anyway, at dis church dey had a Tridentin Mass. Lattin Masses is very useful in a city where de local vernacooler aint easy to understand. Dere was a parallel translatoin into New Yorkan, which was all about de Lord bein a cool dud wot kicks ass: dat must be de time when He rode into Jerussalem on Plam Sunday.

For de non-Cathlics dere is plenty of uvver churches. My bruvver Bosco's spiritaul needs is very simple so we went to Times Square and participated in a Calumny Chappel service.

Eccles and Bosco sings "We is saved pussons" in Times Square.

De one disappiontment so far is de Statue of Libberty, which aint as impressive as poeple finks. It's de same probblem wiv de little mermaid in Copenhaggen, dey needs to get a big mermaid.

Statue of Libberty. Dis iddle punched Bosco when he kissed it.

Well, dat's enuogh suovenirs of New York. Wot shall I blogg on next? De world aint been doin much dat's very eddifyin, just now, has it?

Annuvver luvvly paintin from de Musuem. Is dey saved pussons?