Is the Universe under threat?

Regular observers of the (Catholic) Universe have been shocked recently on sighting some new intruders, which many regard as a serious threat to civilisation as we know it.

The late Sir Patrick Moore attempts to explain the Universe.

Although the Universe contains several bright stars, which - in accordance with this blog's policy of never being nice to anyone - we shall not single out individually, astronomers have long known of the existence of other strange objects. One such is the large gas cloud known as McDonagh's Nebula, named after the distinguished eco-theologian, whose endless sermons on why Jesus hated global warming and genetically-modified wheat shed very little light on the Heavens.

The Universe, in more peaceful times.

However, what has caused significant distress recently is the emergence of a small group of red dwarves - these are ancient, decayed bodies, and generally not very bright. These particular ones are collectively known as the cluster of ACTA. Professor Joseph Kelly, a leading expert, is said to have dismissed the sighting as a reflection of "diversity", and so far the red dwarves, although irritating, are not believed to be a permanent threat to the Universe. Scientific theories predict that that they will eventually collapse into a black hole and never be seen again.

A black hole. Note how it leads to a distortion of all teaching nearby.

Similarly, a sighting of the dwarf star Loftus in the constellation of the Basilisk shocked many people a week or two ago: although it was very prominent in the 1960s, it was not expected to flare up again, and many astronomers had regarded it as extinct. Because of its distinctly eccentric orbit, many do not regard Loftus as a truly Heavenly body.

Finally, one astronomer complained of the Fifty Sheds of Gray.

An ecumanacle service

We was invitted to an Ecumanacle Servvice at de local Cathlic Churhc of St Daryll de Apostate. Dis is part of dere attemtps to make Cathlicism poppular wiv de pubblic, by gettin rid of old-fashoined ideas like God and Jessus, and opening de doors to Athiests, Wickans, Driuds, Aztecks, Muvver Earth-Goddess worshippers, etc. Dey weren't too keen on havvin any Chritsians or saved poeple like me, but I had to be dere cos my Anti Moly wanted to go, and I had to stop her makin an exhibitoin of herself.

Dey has iddles in St Daryll's Churhc as dey is Cathlics, and cant live wivvout dem, but dey said dat after Vattican II dey has taken out Jessus, Mary, Josseph, etc. and repplaced dem wiv Marie Stopes, Nelson Mandella, and Che Guevvara, wot is more in tune wiv contemporrary beleifs.

Dat's a jolly pitcher of an Azteck service wot is in de Spirrit of Vattican II, but we didn't have dat sort of fing todday. We had a powerful sermmon from Farver McDonut, de fammous eco-clerric, who had jetted in specailly from Cancan in Mexxico. He was tellin us dat Jessus wasnt as brihgt as poeple makes out cos He forgot to warn us of de two grate evils of our day, dat's globbal warmin and gennetically moddified foods.

Farver McDonut jetts round de world every week tellin poeple to minnimize dere crabon footprints, like de one above. As a ressult he has seen globbal warmin at first hand. He went to de Malldive Islands, and de probblem of risin sea levvels was so bad dat his hotel room got knee deep in water. Later he discovered dat he had left de tap on while prayin to St Albert de Gorey, so maybe fings aint so bad, I dunno. Farver McDonut is workin on a new translatoin of de litturgy where dey takes out hard words like "consubstantail" and adds a prayer sayin dat wind turbins is a pretty neat idea, cos dey niether toils nor spins, like it says in de Bibble.

Den we got a talk from de luvvly Sister Wendy of de Transvestite Nuns of Intollerance. She explaned dat in de Bibble it was made clear dat wommen was better dan men at most fings, e.g. negotiatin wiv serpents about friut suplies, givvin haircuts to strong men, knockin tent pegs frew dere freind's branes, and smashin bottles of perfum over Jessus's head.

Dat's a Bibblical womman, Jeal, wot we gotta fink of as a roll moddle for de moddern girl. Actaully it looks like Anti Moly in her yuonger days, tryin to attract de attentoin of Cradinal Pell.

In de 21st centurry, Sister Wendy said, it is a fact dat wommen is better dan men at crossword puzles, sowin on buttons, and changin nappies. Aint dat irrefuttable evvidence dat de Pop is a missorganist, cos he aint givvin way to de inevvitable demands from wommen for orddinatoin?

Well we sang lots of inspirrin hynms about lettin wommen have de rihgt to choose, how Jessus was a big sexxist, and dat Good and Evill is wot you wants em to be. Dem libberal Cathlics is certianly at de forefront of modern thoelogy.

St Daryll's is runnin a competitoin to write your own hynm: you gotta mentoin equallity and diversitty, inclussiveness, health and safety, multiculturalims, sustianability, etc. and keep off discreddited topics like faith, hope, charrity, sin, redemptoin and duty. I aint much good at dis - does annyone know a good rhyme for "Biodiversitty"?

I was lookin out of de winder of de churhc when I saw dis strangely familliar figger, wot seems to be spyin on de Cathlics. Could it be my dere bruvver Bosco de 8th degree freemasson warrlock on a specail missoin?