Parish of St Daryl the Apostate

Father Arthur writes:

REINTERPRETING ST PAUL. Today's epistle of St Paul to the Ephesians is a challenge to us, isn't it? How can St Paul's words "Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord" possibly apply in the 21st century?

Of course, what Paul really meant was that one member of each married couple should be designated the "husband," while the other should be designated the "wife." It is not necessary for the husband to be male, nor the wife to be female. Indeed, in our modern world, where couples may be same-sex, transgendered, or "don't-know," it is important to escape from sexual stereotyping. St Paul, although he suffered from the disadvantage of living in a world where access to birth-control, abortion and pornography were severely limited, would certainly have agreed that this is the only way to go.

In our family, I'm the one who wears the trousers.

FREE MASS ON. This week, St Daryl's was pleased to welcome our Masonic brethren for a truly ecumenical Mass. Although, technically the Vatican has shown a slight disapproval of freemasonry in the past, as in Pope Ignitus's frankly-worded Encyclical De Masone Comburendo, we freely admit that we at St Daryl's are in the vanguard when it comes to liberal thinking. We all had a great time at the "Free Mass," especially when I said "roll up your trouser legs" and the congregation replied "we roll them up unto the Lord." Moreoever, the "funny handshake of peace" with our neighbours was another innovation that we may well use again in future weeks.

Masons - helping us to build bridges.

PUSSY RIOTS. Likewise, we at St Daryl's are showing our support for the so-called "Pussy Riot" girls, who attempted to bring the fresh air of liberalism into the stuffy old Orthodox church. We are making a humble gesture of solidarity with these heroic rebels against misogyny, capitalism and (Fr Pau, please find out what they were actually demonstrating against and fill in something here. Thanks) as this photo, taken before Sunday's Mass, indicates.

Our altar-servers, in their new vestments, waiting for "kick-off."

ST DARYL'S CAR PARK. In this era, when the main spiritual issues that concern us are global warming, climate change, the melting of the ice caps, and the extinction of fluffy polar bears, it is obviously unreasonable for us to come to church by car (Michael Mann, our churchwarden, has done a statistical analysis and says that every time a car parks at St Daryl's a fairy dies). Therefore, we have begun work to convert the church car park into a bus station, complete with a fast food outlet, newsagent's and "gay" bar (all profits to church funds). Unfortunately, this has necessitated the demolition of our shrine to the blessed St Daryl, but we must all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

The environmentally friendly way to travel to Mass.

LATELY DEAD. Keir Bertrand Russell Lenin Jones, age 85. Stanley Baldwin Kitchener Allenby Robinson, age 94. (Miss) Laurel Hardy Chaplin Groucho Brown, age 83.

RECENT BAPTISMS. David Harper Seven United Smith. Gaga Beyoncé Wilson. Julian Assange Ecuador Asil Nadir Taylor.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23.

An ecumanacle service

We was invitted to an Ecumanacle Servvice at de local Cathlic Churhc of St Daryll de Apostate. Dis is part of dere attemtps to make Cathlicism poppular wiv de pubblic, by gettin rid of old-fashoined ideas like God and Jessus, and opening de doors to Athiests, Wickans, Driuds, Aztecks, Muvver Earth-Goddess worshippers, etc. Dey weren't too keen on havvin any Chritsians or saved poeple like me, but I had to be dere cos my Anti Moly wanted to go, and I had to stop her makin an exhibitoin of herself.

Dey has iddles in St Daryll's Churhc as dey is Cathlics, and cant live wivvout dem, but dey said dat after Vattican II dey has taken out Jessus, Mary, Josseph, etc. and repplaced dem wiv Marie Stopes, Nelson Mandella, and Che Guevvara, wot is more in tune wiv contemporrary beleifs.

Dat's a jolly pitcher of an Azteck service wot is in de Spirrit of Vattican II, but we didn't have dat sort of fing todday. We had a powerful sermmon from Farver McDonut, de fammous eco-clerric, who had jetted in specailly from Cancan in Mexxico. He was tellin us dat Jessus wasnt as brihgt as poeple makes out cos He forgot to warn us of de two grate evils of our day, dat's globbal warmin and gennetically moddified foods.

Farver McDonut jetts round de world every week tellin poeple to minnimize dere crabon footprints, like de one above. As a ressult he has seen globbal warmin at first hand. He went to de Malldive Islands, and de probblem of risin sea levvels was so bad dat his hotel room got knee deep in water. Later he discovered dat he had left de tap on while prayin to St Albert de Gorey, so maybe fings aint so bad, I dunno. Farver McDonut is workin on a new translatoin of de litturgy where dey takes out hard words like "consubstantail" and adds a prayer sayin dat wind turbins is a pretty neat idea, cos dey niether toils nor spins, like it says in de Bibble.

Den we got a talk from de luvvly Sister Wendy of de Transvestite Nuns of Intollerance. She explaned dat in de Bibble it was made clear dat wommen was better dan men at most fings, e.g. negotiatin wiv serpents about friut suplies, givvin haircuts to strong men, knockin tent pegs frew dere freind's branes, and smashin bottles of perfum over Jessus's head.

Dat's a Bibblical womman, Jeal, wot we gotta fink of as a roll moddle for de moddern girl. Actaully it looks like Anti Moly in her yuonger days, tryin to attract de attentoin of Cradinal Pell.

In de 21st centurry, Sister Wendy said, it is a fact dat wommen is better dan men at crossword puzles, sowin on buttons, and changin nappies. Aint dat irrefuttable evvidence dat de Pop is a missorganist, cos he aint givvin way to de inevvitable demands from wommen for orddinatoin?

Well we sang lots of inspirrin hynms about lettin wommen have de rihgt to choose, how Jessus was a big sexxist, and dat Good and Evill is wot you wants em to be. Dem libberal Cathlics is certianly at de forefront of modern thoelogy.

St Daryll's is runnin a competitoin to write your own hynm: you gotta mentoin equallity and diversitty, inclussiveness, health and safety, multiculturalims, sustianability, etc. and keep off discreddited topics like faith, hope, charrity, sin, redemptoin and duty. I aint much good at dis - does annyone know a good rhyme for "Biodiversitty"?

I was lookin out of de winder of de churhc when I saw dis strangely familliar figger, wot seems to be spyin on de Cathlics. Could it be my dere bruvver Bosco de 8th degree freemasson warrlock on a specail missoin?