How to be an atheist pope

Many of the articles on this blog have given advice on "How to be a good pope", but one or two of my readers (i.e., about half of them) have complained that, being atheists, they did not find the advice very useful. Obviously, being female is not a bar to occupying the chair of Peter (or as Father James Martin puts it, the chair of Mary Magdalene), especially since we now need to create female popes in order to please the indigenous tribes of the Amazon (I hope I've got that right). But is atheism a bar?

The papacy - now open to women and atheists!

Ask any priest, and he will tell you that the job is really quite easy. Most weeks you only work on Sundays, and if you need to preach a homily, then there are plenty of good books from which you can borrow, with titles such as The Reverend Ebenezer Drone's Victorian Sermons on Habakkuk, The Jesuit Book of LGBT-friendly Homilies, and Cardinal Sarah's latest epic, Why don't you all just SHUT UP?*

*Subtitled And that includes you, Francis.

Try not to mention sky fairies and invisible friends, as that's a bit of a give-away that you're not as devout as people thought.

The Eccles shop will also provide you with fashionable clothes to wear.

Then, you get to listen to confessions, and that must surely be more entertaining than watching television: once in a while you will get an axe-murderer or a grave-robber, even if most of the time it is "I took the last chocolate from the box" or "I groaned when I read Austen Ivereigh's latest comments."

But do you need to believe? Well, technically not, if you don't mind telling lies. If you don't believe in Hell, or if you think Jesus was not God when He was on Earth, then there is no need to mention it to anyone, as it might affect your chances of promotion (well, it used to, until Vatican II brought us the Age of Aquarius, etc.)

Stealing tractors is all in a day's work for top atheist Cardinal Marx.

Many priests, bishops, and cardinals have realised that they have a job for life, and if they want a career where they can talk to people without being interrupted, then joining the Church is easier than becoming a politician or an actor. No need for elections, no times when you are "resting" between jobs.

The downside to all this is that you may feel you are being a little dishonest, saying "I believe..." when you don't. Also, if you think Richard Dawkins's latest book My head is bigger than God's is a miracle of theological brilliance, then don't read the book when you think someone might be watching.

What can possibly go wrong?

So suppose that promotion has come your way, and you are now the Pope. You may still feel the need to confide in someone, to tell them that you don't really believe a word of it. Should you infallibly and ex cathedra declare, "THERE IS NO GOD"? No, this might cause problems, and even popes can get sacked for being too silly. No, pick a friendly journalist, preferable one who is 105 years old, deaf, blind, unable to work a tape recorder, and known to have a vivid imagination. Tell him. Then, if he spills the beans, you can get your friends to deny it.

A Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist, and a radical Muslim meet

Once upon a time there were a Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist and a radical Muslim, and they decided to compare their achievements.

It's hard to look normal when you're a complete loser.

"I must be the most evil," said the Satanist. "I have backed the Devil, the Father of Lies. I like backing losers: I also support Norwich City football club, the Zimbabwe cricket team, and Jeremy Corbyn. I am really attracted by the possibility of eternal damnation and the Lake of Fire. Knowing that God is almighty and could obliterate me with a crook of his little finger, I take part in black masses where I profane the sacrament, simply because it makes me feel really naughty. Look at me, folks, I'm the bad boy of the class."

This is what passes for Catholicism in New York.

"I'm not evil," said the Jesuit. "In fact I am MERCIFUL. I also practise a new type of Catholicism, in which we deny all the established teaching. The pope's going to ordain women, you know - after all Mary Magdalene was the Head of the Church at the time of the Resurrection (and she even wore a dalmatic). The Holy Spirit is a woman - trust me on this - and so is the Spirit of Vatican II. Now I want to encourage people to practise Ignatian Discernment: nowadays, this means dreaming up the wackiest ideas possible and imposing them upon an interpretation of holy scripture!"

Brian Cox knows what K(q",q';T) is, so he must be CLEVER.

"We've been having a hard time recently," said the atheist. "Dawkins has been ill, and split from his wife; Grayling's still sulking about Brexit; Fry's thrown a wobbly and vanished from Twitter; I've been making a complete hash of pretending to be a climate scientist; only Elton John can be said to be leading a truly happy life. Moreover, everyone laughs at us, because we can't find a single rationalist who isn't just a little bit odd. Indeed, worldwide we're in decline, even though in the UK the Catholic and Anglican bishops have done wonders for our cause. So, although I would like to say we're undermining the Christian religion, it is in fact the Christians who are doing it themselves."

"Swing low, sweet Sharia..."

"We've been having a good press lately," said the radical Muslim. "Our ISIS chaps have been torturing women and children, burning people alive, feeding them to wild animals, etc. These are Western ideas - your chap Hitler wouldn't have found them at all horrifying. Now I understand that Owen Smith - the man who will lead the Labour Party if Jeremy Corbyn doesn't - thinks he can solve all our problems by inviting us to sit round a table with him. There was even talk of beer and bacon sandwiches, like the politicians used to offer to trade unionists in the 1970s. I can't see that working: indeed if Owen Smith drops round we shall probably EAT him."

In the end, all four of these guys died and went to Heaven. The ways of God are strange indeed.

The Eccles Bible project

One of the problems about debating with atheists is that they don't seem to know what's in the Bible, and which bits are the most important.

Goliath - the tallest man in the Bible, but only the 709th most important.

Let us create an imaginary atheist called Richard. He reads the Book of Genesis, and spots a legend about a talking snake. "Aha!" he says. "The Bible consists of nothing but fairy stories."

Or perhaps he opens the Bible at the psalms, and spots that these are poetical, and could be sung. "Aha! The Bible consists of nothing but songs!" But then he tries to sing the immortal words Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; and Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias. What a bore! (Actually, you CAN sing those words, to the tune of "Dem Bones.")

Joatham - known mostly for his begetting.

Somewhere along the way, atheists get very excited and start talking about "bronze-age goatherds." Nobody knows why, but it is clearly a killer argument, the point being that in the bronze age people weren't as bright as those of us in the silicon age. Having computers and mobile phones made entirely of bronze, our herding ancestors didn't get round to inventing the internet, DNA, and lasagne, so they consoled themselves by inventing philosophy and theology instead. Losers, eh?

Suncream - invented by bronze-age goatherds.

The New Testament is a big stumbling-block to atheists, whose main conclusions are:

1. Jesus didn't exist.
2. He never said all the things attributed to Him. Nobody could have.
3. He didn't do miracles, as people just don't.
4. If He was crucified, it didn't kill him. It didn't hurt at 
all, really.
5. And after not dying, He stayed dead.
6. Really, He was just a very good person, like (choose as 
appropriate) Bertrand Russell, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, 
Princess Diana or Eva Perón.

Bertrand Russell - like God, only cleverer.

Look, dear atheists, I am not mocking you. When I was a child I thought like a child (we'll come back to this later). I would go into a classroom at school, and be handed a frog. What should I do with it?

1. Dissect it (Biology)?
2. Cook it and eat it (Domestic science)?
3. Shout "Voici une grenouille!" (French)?
4. Write a poem about it (English)?
5. Paint its portrait (Art)?
6. Throw it at the boy next door (Sport)?

"If you don't mind, I'd prefer options 3, 4 or 5."

Thus, we announce the start of the Eccles Bible Project, which little-by-little will take each book of the Bible in turn and explain it in simple terms. This will require me to do some reading too, especially when we get onto chaps like Habakkuk, who don't really deserve a whole book to themselves.

Coming soon - Genesis!

The Boat of Fools visits the Nave

Embarking upon atheism.

Our "Mystery Worshipper" was present in the Nave, Canonbury, for the inaugural Atheist Service organized by two obscure stand-up comedians (what else?), Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans.

---

What was the name of the service? The Mass Delusion.

How full was the building? Very full. Most of the people attending were journalists, anxious to see what it was all about. There were half-a-dozen "mystery worshippers," attired like me in masks, and a contingent from the Tablet, who seemed to be joining in the service with suspicious enthusiasm.

Did anyone welcome you personally? Well, not personally, but there was an old grumpy-looking man, who kept muttering "NON CREDO!" at all who entered.

NON CREDO!

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere? Lots of idle chatter, and not much reverence. Excited muttering as celebrities entered: "Isn't that Giles Whatsit who does the Thought for the Day?" "There's Ma Popehater!" "A Rolls Royce is drawing up - Polly Toynbee must be gracing us with her presence!"

What were the exact opening words of the service? In the name of Dawkins: Biologist, Theologian and Selfish Gene. Amen.

What books etc. did the congregation use during the service? This was a bone of contention, as some wanted to use the Latin Atheist Liturgy of 1962, whereas others had the new English translation of 2011. In the end, the traddies read from the former, the modernists from the latter, and a third group just shouted out deep theological killer arguments such as "sky fairy," "men in dresses" and "bronze-age goatherds."

Did anything distract you? Yes, they had a guest performance from the Liverpool liturgical lapdancers, at the point in the service where we venerated the relics of Richard Dawkins (an old pair of his socks). However, I think atheism is too dignified a faith to be spoiled by a lot of under-dressed girls showing their... well, never mind.

What Liverpool Cathedral thought they would get when they asked for Lapp dancers.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about? The vicar (Fr Sanderson Jones) lived up to his reputation as a stand-up comedian. First, he told us that a funny thing had happened to him on his way to the church... Then again, he asked us, how could one tell that an elephant had been in one's fridge? Finally, he explained that when the Pope was a kid, he used to pray every night for a new bike. But the Lord doesn't work that way. So he just stole one and asked Him to forgive him. And in a very real sense, are we not all looking for a new bicycle?

Which part of the service was like being in heaven? The bit where Stephen Fry tripped over his ego, and sprained his ankle. How we laughed.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place? Other place? Oh, you mean Roehampton? The bit when Tina Beattie got up and gave us The Lecture The Pope Tried To Ban.

What happened at the end of the service? We all joined in a chorus of "Amazing Disgrace," with its classic line: "I once was found, but now I'm lost."

Grace in a maze (how sweet the sound) - not wanted here!

How would you describe the after-service coffee? Definitely not made by Mystic Monks or even Numinous Nuns. I wanted to have faith in the coffee, but they told me there were no grounds for it. The tea came from Scotland, and it was based on a complete Lockerbie leaf, ho ho.

No grounds for belief.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? You bet.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that the fame of Richard spread abroad, even unto Sri Lanka, and there came wise men from the East who would name a fish after him.

The dawkins

2. And Richard was greatly pleased; for he said "My friend Anthony Grayling hath given his name unto a fish, and even my friend Stephen Fry hath given his name unto the young of the fish. Now my name will also live for evermore.

3. For from generation unto generation, men will enter into the shop that is called Harry Ramsden's, and say 'Dawkins and chips, please, darling.'"

Richard's main contribution to the study of fish

4. And the name of Dawkins became known throughout the fish-loving world; yeah, his words became as famous as the words of the philosopher Captain Haddock, he who once spake of the ten thousand thundering typhoons.

Captain Haddock reads of Richard's work on shellfish genes.

5. And now (finally) began the long spiritual journey of Richard, that which began with unbelief and ended with his being taken up to Heaven.

6. For Richard began to question his faith for the first time in his life. "Yeah," he said, "I am not an atheist, he who denieth God. I am an agnostic, he who hath not much of a clue about anything."

7. And he was told of the words of the philosopher Wittgenstein, he who said "If thou knowest not what thou talkest about, then shut up."

8. "But I cannot shut up," said Richard, "for I have many followers, who worship at the Dawkins foundation of reason and science. They cannot think for themselves, so where will they go if I allow my lips to cease their eternal motion?"

9. So Richard went to Cambridge, and visited the tomb of Wittgenstein. And lo! a sign was given unto him.

A chicken at Wittgenstein's grave

10. For there was a chicken at the tomb, and it spake unto Richard, saying "Cluck!"

11. And Richard, who had written a thesis on chicken behaviour, knew that this meant, "Be silent, O fool!" or possibly "May I offer you a worm?"

12. And Richard saw this sign and said in his heart, "Now I am confused indeed."

13. But lo! there now came into his life a wondrous book, which was set to confuse Richard even more.

What wisdom lies inside this wondrous book?

Continued in Chapter 14