Career options in the modern world

As regular readers of this blog will know, I am a particularly nasty piece of work. My way of relaxing in the evening is to pull the wings off butterflies or to torture sweet little kittens. So, watching the way poor Alfie Evans has been treated, I was pleased to see lots of possible new career openings.

Judge.

It's a pity they abolished hanging. Unlike Peter Cook, I do have enough Latin to be a judge, and I would have loved to be able to sentence some screaming villain - or preferably someone totally innocent - to death by hanging. I look really nice in a black cap. Also, a judge is the boss in his own court (sorry, no inclusive language on this blog). Fawning barristers address him as "My Lord".

And in this modern era, judges can sentence people to death once more. Oh, not terrorists who kill hundreds of people, there's no fun in that. Still, they can sentence helpless children to death, by removal of water, nutrition, even air, if some doctors say it is the right thing to do. Then they watch the parents suffer! But they won't let judges wear a black cap.

Doctor.

I wouldn't be a very good doctor. A priest came to see me complaining of clergyman's knee (this was one of those rigid priests who still thought that kneeling was an appropriate activity). I helped him by taking out his appendix out with a carving knife: the operation was a success but the patient died.

In the bad old days doctors had the Hippocratic oath, so abortion was out, and euthanasia was also forbidden. Especially the unwanted euthanasia of a child, where the parents were fighting for his life. Not any more! No matter if the whole world is shocked - the Pope, the Italian ambassador, the President of Poland, sundry other Americans, etc. Even Kim Jong-un said "Crikey! I wish I'd thought of that!"

Policeman.

Hello, hello, hello! I want to join the police force to maintain law and order, to serve the causes of justice, and to help the public. So I could spend the night standing outside a child's hospital room, making sure that nobody came in and interfered with him by giving him oxygen or water! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Bishop.

SITUATIONS VACANT. ARCHBISHOP OF KNOTTY ASH. Would suit someone who is vaguely interested in Catholicism (no previous experience necessary). Warning - if you're the sort who likes to give a moral lead on subjects such as putting children to death, then this job is not for you. No, we're looking for someone who will network well with non-Christians, and definitely won't rock the boat.

And don't even think about becoming Cardinal Archbishop of Elephant and Castle, as you have to have your spine removed as part of the terms and conditions of employment.

As Jesus said, "Well you *could* stick up for the weak and helpless, but I don't advise it as it might make you unpopular."

"I now declare this death camp open."

How to praise the Lord

A sermon from Fr Arthur of the church of St Daryl the Apostate.

Many of you will have seen the Pope's recent homily on the fruitfulness of praise, telling people not to despise good people who praise the Lord in a spontaneous manner. Deacon, would you mind holding back on your spontaneous cries of "Hallelujah! I been saved!" for a few minutes, so that people can hear me preach? Just go back to sticking pins in that wax dummy of Brother Eccles. Thanks.

Fr Arthur releases an "emu of peace".

Now, we in the church of St Daryl interpret the Pope's words as meaning that you can sing whatever you like, and it is acceptable to the Lord. There's no need to look for good hymns with well-constructed melody and harmony, with verses that rhyme and scan appropriately, and which contain at least one new idea in every line. No, the Lord likes it if we sing "Walk in the Light" thirty times in one hymn, without ever bothering to analyse what walking in the Light actually involves, or why exactly it is a good thing to do. The same applies if we sing "Kum ba yah" thirty times. Who needs the intellectual hymns of a Newman or Wesley? It's sheer snobbery to prefer them.

You know, the Lord wouldn't mind if we just sang "The Laughing Policeman". Let's do that now.

Oh, be joyful in the Lord!

I know a fat old policeman,
He's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man,
He really is a treat.
He's too kind for a policeman,
He's never known to frown.  
And everybody says
He is the happiest man in town!

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

There! That did us all a power of good, didn't it? I'll bet that God was laughing too! That's the joy of praise for you, even if we're not sure exactly who we're praising here. Even the deacon joined in the chorus.

We take the same attitude to the liturgy. A committee of scholars has produced a new English translation, faithful to the Latin original. Phooey! As the great Fr Butler of Brentwood has said, the Vatican II Council (crosses himself reverently, and genuflects at the sacred name) allows us to use the vernacular, if we want to, and this means "informal, colloquial speech". Cor, strike a light, missus!

So, let's have another hymn. This one comes with a liturgical dance.

Liturgical dancing.

Chim chiminey,
Chim chiminey,
Chim chim cher-ee!
A sweep is as lucky
As lucky can be!

That was good, wasn't it? Of course in this hymn the sweep is a metaphor for all Christian people. Well, let's not be judgemental here - he represents all people of faith, regardless of what it is or whether they have any. God is indeed bringing us luck!

By the way, next Sunday we'll have one of our special "fun" Masses. The deacon and I will be dressing up as a pantomime horse - I'll take the front part of course - and we ask you all to enter into the spirit of the occasion. After all, what is a holy day, but a holiday? Let's parteeeeee....

The priest and deacon on their way to Mass.

Who is papabile?

Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope, here is an assortment of cardinals who may be considered "papabile."

Two cardinals (L) and two traffic cones (R).

The first hurdle the electors will have to overcome is to avoid electing a traffic cone by mistake, even though they strongly resemble cardinals (see above). As anyone who has ever wandered round a school, university or shopping mall will testify, traffic cones are to be seen in the most unlikely places; so there will probably be several lying around the Sistine Chapel. However, no traffic cone has ever been elected Pope - the story of Pope Cone is simply a medieval legend.

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Cardinal Turkson assures Chris Huhne that Jesus will bear his speeding points as well as his sins.

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An alternative to Cardinal Turkson is Cardinal Dolan, the laughing cardinal (H/T Mundabor).

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I know a fat old card'nal, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat
He's too kind for a cardinal, he's never known to frown,
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

CHORUS: A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He laughs upon confessions, he laughs when saying prayers,
He laughs at every passer-by who simply stops and stares.
He never can stop laughing, he says he never tried
But once he exorcised a man, and laughed until he cried.

CHORUS.

So if you chance to meet him, processing down the aisle,
Just kiss him on his fat old hand and give him a big smile:
His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight,
And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might.

CHORUS.

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Say the black, do the red - Cardinal Zuhlsdorf's coat of arms.

The great Fr Z. is already in Rome, just in case the call comes; however, so far he hasn't found a Latin-speaking taxi-driver to take him to the Vatican. Fr Z. has already updated his coat of arms in anticipation of being made a cardinal, but will he make it to Pope as well? Frankly, this may be something of an outside shot, but an armed Pope-blogger who knows where to get good coffee may be just what the Catholic church needs at this time.

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Even more of an outside shot is Keith O'Brien.

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We should not forget Cardinal Ouellet, who has been adopted by Eccles. Unfortunately, he has returned most of Eccles's generous gifts - spare socks, tins of baked beans, and CDs of the Goon Show - but, since it rains a lot in Rome, he has kept the umbrella and the Ouellet boots (geddit?)

It raineth upon the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

Admittedly, he has slipped from 8-1 to 10-1 odds since Eccles took up his cause.

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There are several other cardinals in the running, mostly with Italian names, such as Scola, Bertone, Odone, Ravioli, etc., but the one with the strongest chances is surely Cardinal Furretti (H/T Sister Fortis of Blogfen).

Cardinal Furretti, putting the "cat" in "Catholic."

Like traffic cones, cats get everywhere, and this one should have no trouble entering the Sistine Chapel through the cat-flap (preferably not carrying a dead mouse). If elected, will take the title of Pope Felix V.

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In fact there has been a certain amount in the news about people attempting to gatecrash the conclave by dressing up as cardinals. Some of the following are probably not genuine cardinals - in any case, they should not be elected Pope.

Conrad Black.

Michael Palin.

Some of the cardinals are considered to be too young to be papabile this time.

Finally, if the Catholic Church is looking for a saved Pope, with his own blog, read by at least three people every week, then a certain newly-arrived Cardinal may still be in with good chances.

Vote for Cardinal Eccles!