Boris throws his hat in the ring

Boris Johnson, currently the Mayor of London, has announced that he intends to stand for the position of Pope in the next conclave: this may take place as soon as 2022 if Pope Francis takes early retirement at 86, as his predecessor did. Boris will then be a sprightly 58, the same age as Pope John-Paul II was when he took office.

Boris takes advice on what popes actually do.

According to the Tablet, the fact that Boris is twice-married and not even a Catholic should not prove an obstacle to his election ("They're bound to change that sort of thing at the next synod"), but it is generally thought that he will need to find a "safe seat", by becoming a cardinal as soon as possible.

Will Cardinal Nichols give up his Westminster seat to Boris?

When Boris was previously interviewed by this blog about his religious opinions, he set forth his manifesto in no uncertain terms:

Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dawkins!

Boris practises a papal gesture.

Several recent popes have become saints, and Boris's ambitions are such that he expects to follow in their footsteps. "I've heard good reports of Heaven," he says, "and it sounds like a terrific place to pop off to, after shuffling off the old mortal coil. I'm not so keen on hanging around Purgatory like a buffoon trapped on a zip-wire, so I'm planning to give that one a miss and go straight to the Terminus!"

If you want to be a saint, get on your bike!