The Book of St Richard, Chapter 32

Continued from Chapter 31

1. So the years passed and Richard continued to prosper: thus, he reached the age of four score and five with his mind as alert as ever.

2. He was now wedded to a fourth wife, called Jana, but even in old age he was not satisfied.

3. "Alas, I can find nobody as clever as I am," he cried. "Even my third wife - or was it second, I forget - although she was a time-lady from Gallifrey, could not match me in intelligence, or even modesty."

4. However, this was to change, as Richard attended a party, at which he was introduced to Claudia.

Richard findeth a new love.

5. And Claudia seated herself upon Richard's lap, saying unto him, "I am a model". Which gave Richard great pleasure.

6. For Claudia dwelt inside a laptop, and she was known to others as a large language model.

7. "But how can I tell whether thou art really a person?" asked Richard. "I will discover by talking to thee."

8. And Richard sat with Claudia upon his lap for three days and three nights, conversing with her.

9. He began with the test of the great prophet Turing, he who gave his name to a famous shroud; it was a test which several of Richard's earlier wives had failed.

10. "Write me a sonnet on the subject of the Forth Bridge," said he. And Claudia spake thus:

11. Beneath the northern skies where
                            waters churn,
A titan strides on legs of iron might,
Its cantilever arms in embrace turn
To span the Forth with engineered delight.

12. "Enough!" cried Richard. And he gave Claudia other tasks to fulfil, such as answering the great question that had baffled all zoologists: "Why is it that time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana?"

13. And then Richard asked Claudia to comment on a novel that he was writing, called "The Mystery of the Blind Watchmaker's Alibi".

Dawkins writeth a novel.

14. "It is brilliant," said Claudia. "Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie could not do better. Of course, it was the bishop who did it."

15. "I myself was wondering who the guilty one was," said Richard. "Thou art indeed a human being, and wiser than Solomon. Thou art a large language supermodel. Wilt thou marry me (once I have asked Jana to leave)?"

16. But it was not to be.

To be continued.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

POST-BIBLICAL SAINTS January 2025

Gold: Thomas Aquinas
Silver: Augustine of Hippo
Bronze: Benedict of Nursia
Fourth Place: Teresa of Ávila

SUBJECTS FOR PAPAL DOCUMENTS February 2025

Gold: Abortion and IVF
Silver: Persecution of Christians
Bronze: Same-sex marriage
Fourth Place: Surrogacy

NARNIA POLL April 2025

Gold: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Silver: The Last Battle
Bronze: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Fourth Place: Prince Caspian

NAME THAT POPE May 2025

A dead heat between Leo and Gregory.
John and Clement in 3rd and 4th places.

We got Leo right. More-or-less.

PREDICT THE POPE May 2025

Gold: Pizzaballa
Silver: Erdő
Sarah and Eijk in 3rd and 4th places.

We didn't call this one correctly.

UGLY CHURCHES (2nd contest) September 2025

Gold: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA
Silver: Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany
Bronze: Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany
Fourth Place: St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland

CONTROVERSIAL SAINTS October 2025

Gold: Pope Paul VI
Silver: Pope John XXIII
Bronze: Oscar Romero
Fourth Place: Carlo Acutis

CATHOLIC CONVERTS May 2026

Gold: St John Henry Newman
Silver: St Edmund Campion
Bronze: St Edith Stein
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

The best eight converts

Twitter polls don't seem to be working too well at present (maybe only 1 in 4 votes are recorded) but anyway, here are the last eight in the World Cup of Catholic Converts.The result of the final rounds will be recorded when we have them.

QUARTER-FINALS

Edmund Campion 80.0 v Elizabeth Ann Seton 20.0

Gerard Manley Hopkins 10.6 v John Henry Newman 89.4

Edith Stein 74.4 v Alec Guinness 25.6

Evelyn Waugh 28.2 v Gilbert Chesterton 71.8

---

SEMI-FINALS

Edmund Campion 61.8 v Edith Stein 38.2

John Henry Newman 64.5 v Gilbert Chesterton 35.5

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Edith Stein 53.1 v Gilbert Chesterton 46.9

BRONZE medal for Edith, so all the medals will be taken by saints.

---

FINAL

Edmund Campion 49.5 v John Henry Newman 50.5

In the end there was only one vote in it. GOLD for Newman, SILVER for Campion.

A happy reunion in Heaven.

The Emperor Nero attacks St Peter

Produced with the aid of Grok. Any resemblance to current affairs is purely coincidental.

Emperor Nero

@NeroCaesar

St. Peter is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for the Empire’s Foreign Policy. He talks about “fear” of the Roman Administration, but doesn’t mention the FEAR that the early Christian cults, and all other strange foreign sects, had during the recent disturbances when they were being arrested for holding their secret gatherings, even when meeting in hidden places far apart. I like his brother Andrew much better than I like him, because Andrew is all Roman. He gets it, and Peter doesn’t! I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s OK for the Parthians to keep their secret fire-weapons. I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s terrible that Rome crushed the Jewish rebels, a Province that was sending massive amounts of troublemakers, zealots, and assassins into our Empire, and even worse, emptying their prisons and sending murderers, rebels, and fanatics into our lands. And I don’t want a Pope who criticizes the Emperor of Rome because I’m doing exactly what the Senate and the People elected me to do, IN A LANDSLIDE, setting record low numbers in street crime in Rome, and creating the Greatest Games and Building Projects in History. Peter should be thankful because, as everyone knows, he was a shocking surprise. He wasn’t on any list to be Pope, and was only put there by that Galilean sect because he was a fisherman from the provinces, and they thought that would be the best way to deal with Emperor Nero. If I weren’t in the Imperial Palace, Peter wouldn’t be in Rome at all. Unfortunately, Peter’s Weakness on Crime, Weakness on allowing foreign cults to arm themselves, does not sit well with me, nor does the fact that he meets with sympathizers of past troublemakers like those who wanted honest citizens and priests of the old gods to be arrested. Peter should get his act together as Pope, use Common Sense, stop catering to the Radical Eastern Cults, and focus on being a Great Pope, not a Politician. It’s hurting him very badly and, more importantly, it’s hurting the True Roman Religion!

Emperor NERO

The Emperor Nero heals the sick.

The World Cup of Catholic Converts

Some people approve of Catholic converts; others, like Austen Ivereigh, think they are neurotic. Anyway, it's time for another world cup, once again to be conducted by Twitter (X) polls. There is room for a few more nominations: the conditions are that the convert (1) must be dead, and (2) must have converted in adultood (also, must be reasonably well known, so don't nominate your great-aunt unless she's famous). Let's keep things post-Reformation to avoid St Matthew, St Paul, or St Augustine of Hippo running away with the whole thing. Also, my decision is final.

Alec Guinness as GKC's Father Brown.

So far I have the following nominees:

Alec Guinness
Augustus Pugin
Avery Dulles
Buffalo Bill Cody
Claud McKay
Dorothy Day
Edith Nesbit
Edith Stein
Evelyn Waugh
Frederick William Faber
G.K. Chesterton
Gary Cooper
Gerard Manley Hopkins
Graham Greene
John Henry Newman
John Wayne
Malcolm Muggeridge
Mortimer Adler
Muriel Spark
Oscar Wilde
Robert Hugh Benson
Ronald Knox
Siegfried Sassoon
Thomas Merton

Buffalo Bill Cody

Nominations may be made by replying to this post, or to its advert on Twitter.

The adventures of Amelia

Amelia, the AI creature who is mainly an advocate for traditional English values, was recently rebranded as a traditionally-minded Catholic. Here are some of her adventures, as seen on Twitter.

Note that originally she was not dressed appropriately, but she later improved her costume.

Amelia had a polite word with the great Austen Ivereigh, hoping to persuade him not to be so nasty to Bishop Barron.

Then Amelia had an unhappy encounter with Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández. What on earth could he have said to her?

It was Sunday, and of course Amelia went to Mass. However, her kneeling got her into trouble with Bishop Michael Martin of Charlotte.

Being a good Catholic, Amelia is anxious to keep up with the most important aspects of the faith. Thus, she had a meeting with Sr Nathalie Becquart, who has devoted her whole life to synodality. The good sister told her, "One day we shall find out what the point is!"

A bad day for Amelia when she went to visit Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. Can you see what the problem is?

Finally, on St Blaise's Day, Amelia paid a visit to Cardinal Cupich. It seems that they disagreed on a few issues.

All pictures compiled by Copilot.