Liturgy for people marrying themselves

With the announcement that Miss Grace Gelder has gone through a ceremony of marriage with herself, with the aid of Tiu de Haan, a "subtle combination of secular cleric, counsellor and friend," we are pleased to supply a brief liturgy for such an event.

Do you, Narcissus, take Narcissus to be your lawful wedded husband?

The happy single enters, to the accompaniment of a suitable piece of music played on the organ; for example, the "Lone Ranger" theme, or "You'll always walk alone", or Björk's Isobel. Note that all marriages - including auto-marriages - must by law include (a) a Scotsman in a kilt; (b) a small child who will cry out when the "any just cause or impediment" question is asked; and (c) a relative who has been celebrating too early.

Celebrant (Mother Tiu): Marriage is a gift of God in creation through which husband and wife may know the grace of God. However, it is also available to husband and husband, wife and wife, three husbands and an elephant, wife and two cats, husband alone, wife alone, or even nobody at all.

"Only bigots would try and prevent someone from marrying themselves," says Giles Fraser.

Celebrant: Does anyone know just cause or impediment why this N may not marry himself (or herself)?

There will now be a solemn pause in which a small child may cry out "That's my mummy!"

Congregation (sotto voce): He (or she) is a barking mad lunatic, but he (or she) is our friend, and anyway there's going to be a good party afterwards.

Mother Tiu will add dignity to your big day.

Celebrant: Right. Do you, N, take this N, to be your self? Will you love yourself, comfort yourself, honour and protect yourself, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?

N: I will. Ha ha ha ha, look at me, isn't this hilariously funny?

Celebrant: N, I now invite you to join your hands and make your vows, in the presence of God and his people.

N: I, N, take me, N, to be myself, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till I do kick the bucket. N, I give myself and receive from myself this ring as a sign of our marriage.

Cardinal Kasper is convinced that the forthcoming Synod will encourage people to marry themselves.

Celebrant: I now pronounce you man (or woman) and self. Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder, although frankly you should definitely go and get psychiatric help. You may now kiss yourself, and take a selfie. That will be 500 guineas plus VAT. Don't forget to sign the registers.

A final hymn may now be sung, such as "Dear Lord and Father of mankind, forgive our foolish ways" / "There was I, waiting at the church" / "Turn back, O Man, forswear thy foolish ways" / "High on a hill. Was a lonely goatherd. Lay-ee odl-lay-ee odl-lay hoo hoo." (Arr. Inwood).

Waiting at the church.