Cardinal Marx bans the cross

On this, the 200th anniversary of the birth of Karl Marx, the founder of, er, Marxism, one of his illustrious descendants, Cardinal Reinhard "Rhino" Marx has taken the opportunity to explain that from now on the German Catholic Church will prohibit the use of the Cross.

You can fool some of the people all of the time.

It began with Rhino condemning the hanging of crosses in public buildings, which is only reasonable, for why should people be allowed to use the patented, trademarked, symbol of the Church without paying Royalties, like good Catholic Germans do with their Church Tax? But on further reflection, His Eminence has decided that the cross is a hated symbol of traditional Catholicism and needs to be exterminated completely.

"I used to wear a cross, but it's a hammer and sickle from now on!"

German Catholics are being told to abandon the "sign of the cross" and from now on will be making the "sign of the hammer and sickle": this is definitely more complicated, and osteopaths will be on hand to help anyone who gets into difficulties. The change from "Cross" to "Hammer and Sickle" is expected to be approved at the highest level in the Church - as with the Protestant heresy, the Germans lead the way - and Pope Francis, advised by top theologian Cardinal Walter Kasper, has agreed that it is a better symbol of modern Catholic belief.

Vorsprung durch Ketzerei.

Meanwhile, the German bishops - who sometimes make even the English bishops look orthodox - are debating whether a Protestant married to a Catholic should be allowed to receive Communion. That is, a Communion in which he (or she) doesn't believe. My distant kinsman Fr Bob Eccles has written some absurd letters in the Catholic Herald on this subject - apparently it isn't about what you believe, or what Christ taught, but more about what makes people happy (I paraphrase).

But the German bishops are divided, and they asked the Pope to rule on this matter. Do we go along with all the Catholic teachings of the last 2000 years, or do we have a free-for-all, in which the Host may be consumed by Protestants, Muslims, Atheists, and even British High Court Judges?

The Pope asks his new best friend, Katy Perry, for advice.

We don't know what advice Pope Francis received from his new theological adviser, but in the end he decided to play safe and treat the German bishops' enquiry as a Dubium. This means it was filed in a shoe-box labelled "Questions I am never going to answer".

So the ball is back with Rhino and his chums. The good Cardinal is said to be very hammer-and-sickle about the whole affair.