Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

LATE NEWS: The Lutherans are very sorry about Martin Luther, and they wish they'd chosen to call themselves after someone else.

A guide to Reformation Architecture

Many people travelling round Britain have visited architectural wonders such as Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey, Byland Abbey... oh, there are too many to list separately. The Tudor Reformation style of architecture is very distinctive - it is generally very minimalist with no roof, no walls, no doors, no windows, etc. Or at least very few.

Whitby Abbey, designed by Henry VIII.

The problem with medieval abbeys - prior to the 1530s - was that they were ugly, cumbersome things, which contributed to Climate Change. Henry VIII was very aware of this problem, "We shall all be dead by 1547!" he said, and his case he was quite correct. So an emergency "Net Zero" campaign was launched, led by his third wife, Queen Greta, Duchess of Thunberg.

Tintern Abbey - note the well-ventilated, low-carbon construction.

Carbon emissions were reduced to zero, as there were no longer any fires. Unnecessary architectural features such as walls were removed. The only heating allowed was by windmills and solar panels; however, since nobody really understood electricity in those days, the monks found the new eco-abbeys very cold in winter, despite the fearsome global warming that was going on around them, and they all left.

Bolton Abbey - a hybrid construction.

People still visit these abbeys, although they are mostly uninhabited these days. Will we start to see similar eco-measures in secular buildings? Offices and schools without windows, walls, doors, and roofs? We can learn from the Reformation!

(Is this OK, Greta? I haven't checked all the details. Eccles.)

Royal Palaces could become Catholic monasteries

It is reported today that King Charles has not ruled out the possibility of making reparations to the Catholic Church for the actions of King Henry VIII in dissolving the monasteries and nationalizing the churches and cathedrals.

Buckingham Palace said on Thursday that his Majesty took the issue ``profoundly seriously" having previously expressed his ``personal sorrow" over the suffering of Catholics who were robbed and martyred by the Tudors.

A Palace spokesman said that the question whether the King might donate his royal residences - Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral, etc. - to the Catholic Church for use as cathedrals - or, more practically, as desirable monasteries - amounted to speculation as this stage, but could not be ruled out.

Soon to be St Thomas More Abbey?

"It makes a lot more sense than trying to `compensate' victims of slavery, when after all we were the ones who abolished slavery, doesn't it!" commented the spokesman.

If the Royal Family does decide to vacate its properties, it will no doubt require alternative accommodation, and the Royal Househunter Poursivant has already been looking for suitable property in the Islington area ``where all the rich woke people live".

An alternative possibility is that King Charles may choose to live somewhere like Fountains Abbey, which would require too much trouble to rebuild to its original purposes.

A home suitable for a king?

Fountains is one of many examples of Reformation Architecture. As the Estate Agents point out, it is very well-ventilated, with many walls and windows removed to enhance the views of the surrounding countryside and cut down on maintenance costs. Since Fountains has no roof, the rooms are also provided with ecologically sensitive shower facilities, which consume no energy. (One can wear one's crown if the rain is too heavy.)

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very appreciative of the King's plans, and hope to be allocated a ruined abbey of their own in due course. "Meghan gets a bit emotional sometimes," quipped Harry, "and if the house is already vandalised she can throw plates around without anybody minding."

Shall we see the Sussexes moving to Whitby?

October 31st - trick or treat?

Yes, it's October 31st 2017, commonly called Hallowe'en, the day when people dress up in scary costumes and annoy their neighbours.

Trick or treat? The sign should stay up by faith alone, but Brother Martin decided otherwise.

Everyone's joining in the fun, and remembering their favourite German heretic (no, not Cardinal Marx).

Pope Francis with the Choco-Luther. "You may find this hard to swallow..."

Of course the Anglicans didn't get in on the Hallowe'en larks until almost twenty years later, and indeed, Henry VIII, the man whose ideas on marriage ("divorce 'em, or if that doesn't work, behead 'em") anticipated Amoris Laetitia, was severely critical of Luther's pranks.

It's believed that the pumpkin theme was based on Henry VIII's fat head.

Originally, Hallowe'en was called All Saints' Eve - Henry VIII approached Thomas More and said, "Great news, Thomas, you're going to become a saint! Better still, a saint and martyr!" Of course Thomas More was delighted to be joining in the fun.

Anyway, back to Luther, who founded the tradition, stimulating a growth in heresy that Arius and Fr James Martin could only dream of. Let's party!

Put on your scary costumes, and get trick-or-treating!

Church of England celebrates Queen Mary Tudor

Following a tweet commemorating the death of the martyrs St Thomas More and St John Fisher - one of those little side-effects of the Reformation - the Church of England has now decided to go further and celebrate the life of Queen Mary Tudor.

"Fear not, Master Fisher, they kill us now, but will praise us in tweets five hundred years hence."

Actually, there is nothing new to see here. According to the Gospel of Wikipedia, which is always right: In 1980, despite their opposing the English Reformation, More and Fisher were jointly added as martyrs of the Reformation to the Church of England's calendar of "Saints and Heroes of the Christian Church", to be commemorated every 6 July (the date of More's execution) as "Thomas More, Scholar, and John Fisher, Bishop of Rochester, Reformation Martyrs, 1535".

So far very few reciprocal gestures have been seen from the Catholic Church. However, Pope Francis is a great fan of Martin Luther, and he models his style of governance on that of Henry VIII*, so it cannot be long before these two gentlemen become Doctors of the Church.

*Gerhard! Lie low if you will, but I'll brook no opposition - no noise! No words, no signs, no letters, no pamphlets - Mind that, Gerhard - no writings against me! (A Man for all Seasons).

So what about Mary Tudor?

Technically, of course, Mary Tudor is not a martyr, although Catholics say that she was a martyr to ill health. On the other hand, these days we must remember that the Reformation and all things asoociated with it were A Good Thing, as they led to the modern Christian churches with their new priorities of Equality, Diversity, Climate Change, Transgendered Awareness, Drug-fuelled gay orgies in the Vatican, Jesuits building bridges, etc., rather than the pre-Reformation values of Faith, Hope and Charity. So can Mary be denied the title of "Saint and Heroine of the Christian Church"? I think not.

"Well, yes, she did burn me. A little. But I probably deserved it."

All that remains now is for the Catholics to celebrate Queen Elizabeth I, another keen smiter of "heretics", and perhaps Thomas Cromwell, too. Then we can agree on the following joint statement between Anglicans and Catholics:

THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY WAS A GOLDEN AGE, AND THE TUDORS WERE ALL JOLLY GOOD CHAPS. THE REFORMATION WAS A GREAT SUCCESS AND EVERYONE HAD A SUPER TIME. VISITING RUINED ABBEYS MAKES FOR A REALLY GOOD DAY OUT, WHICH WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO IF A LOAD OF BORING MONKS WERE STILL THERE PRAYING, STUDYING, ETC. HOW UNCOOL IS THAT?

This is what an abbey should look like!

Learning from the Anglicans

As a respite from all the excitement in the Catholic church, let's see what the Anglicans have done recently, and whether we can learn from them.

The Scottish Episcopal Church (which is like the Church of England, except that they play the bagpipes and throw cabers around the church) has got itself into trouble with a reading from the Koran at St Mary's Cathedral, Glasgow. The row escalated and one of the Queen's chaplains has resigned.

"How am I supposed to play Bach fugues if you're doing Donald, where's yer troosers?"

Surely that's not a problem? I mean, the Koran reading said that Jesus was not the Son of God, but we have to be tolerant these days, and if that's what the Provost really believes, then there is room for dialogue on this question. Perhaps an Anglican synod will soon be voting for this proposition with a 2/3 majority, as they did a few years ago for the proposition that Jesus got it wrong on the issue of the ordination of women.

"Father Shaykh Ibrahim Mogra will be preaching tonight on 'Why Mohammed is better than Jesus'."

As an extra piece of comedy, the notoriously bossy Glasgow police managed to get in on the act, as it was claimed that there was a "hate-crime" issue here, when people complained about the betrayal of Our Lord in a Christian church. Apparently, they should have done the "Glasgow kiss of peace" first, to make it a love-crime.

LATE NEWS: Glasgow Cathedral announces an ecumenical service with worshippers of the Tiger God. As the provost puts it: such events lead to deepening friendships locally, to greater awareness of the things we hold in common, and to dialogue about the ways in which we differ.

No bagpipes, as they'll upset the Tiger God.

The other spiritually nourishing thing to report from the Anglican church is a joint statement on the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, issued by Archbishops Welby and Sentamu. They list some (rather vague) blessings that European Christians have received to which the Reformation directly contributed, although they forget to say anything about the destruction of churches and abbeys.

There is a mention of people being put to death, but you will agree that the following sentence justifies the Reformation in its entirety: Remembering the Reformation should bring us back to what the Reformers wanted to put at the centre of every person's life, which is a simple trust in Jesus Christ.

Justice for Henry VIII at last (and yes, that is a chair-leg).

Readers of this blog are generally cultivated people, and will remember this passage from The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - I'm sorry, I mean A Man for all Seasons, in which Henry VIII tries to explain the Reformation to (not yet St) Thomas More.

Henry: Now, mark you, Thomas. does a man need a pope to tell him what to do? This one has sent me an insulting message, telling me that under no circumstances may I marry fair Anne.

Thomas: Indeed, your Majesty, I do not think any pope would dare say otherwise, at least not in our lifetimes.

Henry: Can he not hold a synod, and get his staff to write a document that allows me to marry as many times as I wish?

Thomas: No, I really don't think we'll get very far with that idea, Sire.

A self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian gets his come-uppance.

Henry: Thomas, I plan to put a simple trust in Jesus Christ at the centre of every person's life, as advised by Master Cranmer of Canterbury and Master Lee of York.

Thomas: Is that not going too far, your Grace?

Henry: No. So report to the Executioner in the morning, there's a good fellow.

Chilcot report on the Reformation awaited

This week sees the publication of Sir John Chilcot's long-awaited report on the Reformation in England. In 1553, Queen Mary appointed Chilcot to conduct this enquiry into the circumstances surrounding the 1534 attack on the Catholic Church, but it has taken Sir John 463 years to come to some definite conclusions.

Sir John Chilcot begins to draft his report.

It is likely that the lion's share of the blame for the action that led to the death of thousands and destroyed monasteries will fall to Henry VIII, also known as "Tudy". Although initially a very popular ruler among his subjects, and elected with a huge majority in 1509, Tudy is now universally regarded as a cruel and greedy despot. Tudy was aided by his sidekick "Alastair" Cromwell, with his famous claim that the Pope had weapons of Mass Destruction targeted on the Archbishop of Canterbury, and that they could be deployed within 45 minutes.

Fountains Abbey was destroyed, but no WMDs were ever found.

Of course Henry Tudy has long since departed from public life, and is believed to be living a quiet life in retirement under the name of Brian Blessed. It is unlikely that he will be impeached for war crimes at this late stage.

It is generally agreed that the Catholic Church in England has still not fully recovered from Tudy's War, even after nearly 500 years. A succession of puppet rulers has been put in place - most recently Car-din al-Cormac and Car-din al-Nichols - but they have not succeeded in restoring the ancient glories of Cath-liq.

Al-Nichols stands outside the Grand Mosque.

Cardinal Wolsey claims success in Europe

London, 1529.

Ahead of the forthcoming referendum on whether the Church of England should remain part of the Catholic Church (a referendum in which only kings called Henry Tudor will be allowed to vote), prime minister Thomas Wolsey has returned from Europe claiming success in his negotiations.

"Call me Tom" Wolsey.

According to the negotiated settlement, King Henry will be allowed a quota of six wives, of which a maximum of two may be executed; most importantly, the first marriage may be annulled on the solid theological grounds that Henry is a lecherous slob. Caveat: these demands will be granted subject to a "red cardinal" system whereby they have to be approved by a majority of all the cardinals.

Other "English" demands will also be granted within a time-frame of at most 500 years (this is called "applying the emergency brake"). These include the right to conduct masses in English, with or without clowns and puppets, and to sing silly songs about Jesus shining and being Lord of the Dance. More extreme Anglican demands, such as the right to ordain women, are still rejected by the Catholic Church.

Thomas Cromwell, star of the Guardian's "Cromwell is free" pages.

The "leave Europe" campaign is currently being spearheaded by two theological giants, the blogger Cranmer and the very influential Thomas "Let's dissolve the churches" Cromwell.

It therefore seems unlikely that "Tom" Wolsey will be able to avoid defeat in the Reformation Referendum, and his future is now very uncertain.

Catholic thanksgiving prayers for the Reformation

Following the issue of joint Catholic-Lutheran prayers of thanksgiving for the Reformation, we are pleased to publish further prayers along these lines, including some that are better adapted to use by the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

O Lord our Governor,
But not Supreme Governor, as that's the Queen,
We thank You for the life of King Henry VIII;
For his inspiring model as a loving King and Husband,
Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived:
May we all aspire to such an achievement.

All Catholics venerate this man.

We give thanks for the martrydom of St Thomas More,
Who probably enjoyed the experience.
And the same goes for St John Fisher.
Also for the dissolution of the monasteries,
Which encouraged the monks to die off, or to get proper jobs.
An act that gave us so many charming National Trust properties 
   to visit,
When we have nothing to do on Sundays.

Cardinal Koch with a new disposable edition of the Bible.

In a spirit of ecumenism, we also give thanks for the mass slaughter,
Given to us by thy servants,
Edward VI, Mary I and Elizabeth I,
For the wonder that was the Tudors, if You'll excuse the pun.
Although in those days they didn't realise than burning people
Might lead to climate change.
Still, they knew that they were doing Your will
By killing off all the people who actually believed in something.
A policy not needed these days, at least not in Europe!

Martin Luther - founder of modern Catholicism.

We also give thanks for the wisdom of Martin Luther.
He had many good qualities, not least a really cool hat.
Also when he called the Pope a "pompous toad with smelly feet",
He was merely leading the way to modern theological debate.
You should hear what they say about Pope Francis,
Although, being God, You may already know.
Well, there You are then!

Thank God for the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith!

Finally we give thanks for the effects of the Reformation 
   throughout Europe.
Many were driven into exile or were blessed with martyrdom;
Which can't be bad, can it?
And, as the Anglican Communion falls apart before our eyes,
We pray for new schisms. 
BLOOD! CUT! KILL! SLAUGHTER!
Although please spare comedians such as Giles Fraser.
Amen.

Two Catholic priests discuss the new prayers.

Catholic Church to celebrate the Black Death

It has been decided that, following the celebrations in 2017 of the anniversary of the Reformation (with its mass-slaughter on both sides, the destruction of the monasteries, etc.), it would be similarly appropriate in 2023 for the Catholic Church to celebrate the 675th anniversary of the Black Death.

Federico Lombardi explains

"It used to be thought that the death of 100 million people was nothing but one of the worst tragedies of European history," said Fr Federico Lombardi of the Holy See Press Office, "but nowadays we can look back and see the positive aspects of this period of history. Many people were brought to God rather sooner than they expected, and industrialization came to a halt, protecting the Middle Ages from the worst aspects of climate change."

It is thought that Pope Francis is anxious to reach out to the rodent community - although he will not celebrate the Rodentine Mass - since he appreciates that, although rats are widely blamed for bringing the Black Death to Europe, they too suffered many grievous losses. "The Holy Father has a great fondness for funny little creatures with whiskers," explained Fr Lombardi.

Funny little creatures with whiskers are welcome!

Apart from holding ecumenical human-rodent Masses, using specially blessed cheese, it is not clear what else is planned for the Year of Bubonic Inter-Species Reconciliation. Will Paul Inwood, the Pope's Official Composer, be asked to provide a suitable anthem, possibly "Alleluia Squeak-Squeak"? How will Robert Mickens, he who referred to Pope Benedict XVI as "the rat", react now that we are asked to love the little creatures? Watch this space for further details.

Ecumenical dialogue with a rat, or possibly a Siberian hamster.

Pope admits: "I don't really like Catholics"

After a very successful meeting with Rome's Lutheran church, Pope Francis has finally said what many people suspected all along, namely, "I don't really like Catholics."

The Diet of Worms. On behalf of all Catholics, an apology for "judging" Martin Luther.

"Of course, I'm not referring to people like my great friend, the intellectual giant, Walter Kasper," he added, "nor to people like Fr Tommy Rosica and Fr Jimmy Martin S.J. Some people don't really think of these as Catholics, anyway. But as for the rest..."

Pouring out his woes to a sympathetic audience of Lutherans, the pope went on to say that practically all Catholics were airport gnostics, leprous neo-Pelagians, existential parrot-Christians, Renaissance functionaries and pepper-faced tourists. "Thank God for Martin Luther," he added. "He certainly put Catholics in their place."

"You little promoter of the poison of immanence!"

"Wait until the Year of Mercy starts," he added. "Those Catholics won't know what hit them! Then, when it ends, we'll be just in time to celebrate the Reformation!"

It is felt that Pope Francis may be disgruntled by the outcome of the recent synod, when he was severely embarrassed by constant references to scripture and tradition. However, as pope, he gets the final word, and is said to be ready to take the Catholic church in new directions, following the lead of the great Martin Luther.

Pope Francis nails his 95 theses to the door of St Peter's.

Catholics celebrating the Reformation

At first sight, Catholics may be inclined to view the Reformation as a BAD THING. Was it really as much fun as we first thought? Did those monks who were kicked out of their monasteries enjoy the experience immensely? Did St Thomas More really find the whole business of imprisonment, trial and execution a real bundle of laughs? He got out one good line, though, if A Man for all Seasons is accurate: "Why, Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world …. But for Wales!"

Thomas More: "I died laughing!"

Do we remember Henry VIII as a benefactor of mankind, burning the odd chap here, decapitating another one here (well, several thousand, in fact), just so that he could get rid of Queen Katherine, who only bore him a daughter, and replace her with Queen Anne, who, er, only bore him a daughter?

Of course, those who survived discovered that there was even more fun to come. Edward VI. Cranmer and his prayer book. More massacres, all in the name of a new liturgy. We didn't see the like again until Vatican II. Then a swing back to the Catholics (Queen Mary), and more slaughter. Followed by a swing to the Anglicans (Queen Elizabeth), and yet more slaughter. Those Tudors really knew how to enjoy themselves! Weren't those 39 articles well worth killing for?

A jolly good read.

Actually, what used to be the most anti-Catholic of the articles, "The Bishop of Rome hath no jurisdiction in this Realm of England," isn't at all controversial these days. Ask the Tablet. Ask ACTA. Ask Vincent Nichols.

O.K. So the English Reformation was a GOOD THING. Either we are ecumenical and say "Well, they had a jolly good time, but it really didn't make much difference," or we're not, and we say "Bravo! One in the eye for Pope Whoever-it-was! Only Anglicans can be saved!"

Extra Ecclesiam Angliae nulla salus.

Of course the Reformation really started in Germany with Martin Luther, who also had a wife called Katherina but - unlike Henry VIII - decided to keep her. He was a clever chap, who wrote 95 theses. Presumably he got 95 D.Phil.s or Ph.D.s, too. "Call me Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr.... Luther," he'd say. Having been excommunicated, he didn't really have much choice in his worship: either accept the authority of the Catholic Church, or start his own. Or - this being Germany - he could have found a way to preach heresy while remaining a Catholic priest in good standing. Ask Cardinal Marx how that's done.

Explaining Marxism to the Pope.

So, when Paul Röttig in the Tablet tells us that we should all celebrate the Reformation - massacres and all - then let's party! Is Timothy Radcliffe free?

An Anglican Service

For reasons I won't go into, I had to attend an Anglican Communion Service this morning, somewhere in deepest East Anglia. This is what I found.

Not the actual church, but something like it.

The church itself was built in Catholic times, several hundred years before the Reformation. I'm told that when the Church of England was set up they planned to construct a whole new set of churches, but thanks to the generosity of the Catholic Church, which lent them its own buildings, they didn't need to.

The first hymn was Onward, Christian Soldiers. I am not sure whether this was chosen as being appropriate for Lent, or because we are soon expecting to fight a re-run of the Crimean war. The hymn has a stirring tune by Sir Arthur Sullivan, and this verse in particular stood out:

Like a mighty army
Moves the Church of God;
Brothers, we are treading
Where the Saints have trod.
We are not divided;
All one body we:
One in hope and doctrine,
One in charity.

This is where the Anglicans definitely have the edge - I don't think the Catholics could sing "One in hope and doctrine" with a straight face (see this blog, passim, for reasons why not). But then a dreadful thought struck me? Was S. Baring-Gould being satirical? Were Baring-Gould and Sullivan a comic partnership similar to Gilbert and Sullivan?

I don't think he was being satirical there.

I checked this with an Anglican after the service. "Don't you have dissenters too? Some Anglicans want women bishops, some don't believe in the authority of women priests. Some of you campaign for same-sex weddings, and others think they're an abomination?"

"No, Eccles, we all believe in the traditional Christian doctrine handed down by our ancestors. We may allow some women to call themselves bishops, but nobody really takes them seriously."

The comic vestments are a hint that she is not to be taken seriously.

Then I thought of Giles Fraser, and realised that the Anglicans do have the official position of "comedy vicar" - a spiritual version of court jester - which does not exist in the Catholic Church, although some very well-qualified people are campaigning for its introduction.

The sermon was rather good. Part of the message was again relevant to the Catholic Church with which I am more familiar - the vicar was explaining the virtues of obedience, and he said in an exasperated tone that some people thought that obedience was only for dogs. Perhaps all is not well in the C of E? Do they have people like Hans Küng? Is there an Anglican ACTA trying to undermine Justin Welby? These are deep waters, Watson.

An obedient dog.

We had four hymns, all dating from the 19th century or earlier - in contrast with the last but one Catholic Mass I went to, where all four hymns were from the 1960s or later. We even had "Who would true valour see" by Bunyan, which would make a perfectly good Catholic hymn too. This was the traditional version with hobgoblins, foul fiends and lions to fight, rather than the weaker version one sometime sees; however, it was mildly modernised to "No goblin or foul fiend". I am not sure whether a goblin with a hob is better or worse than a hob-less one.

This will not daunt his spirit.

Oh, there was one dreadful part of the service. The infamous "Sign of Peace". The little country church had about thirty worshippers, and approximately fifteen of them insisted on shaking hands with me - in a Catholic Mass it might be eight out of 150. I had the feeling that some people had got up that Sunday morning and said "I'll bet I can shake hands with thirty people today. My average over the last ten services is 28.4."

Practising for the "peace".

Still, apart from that, a good time was had by all.