Why I Love Liberal Catholics

Following Fr Dwight Longenecker's piece Why I Love Trad Catholics, we have come across a companion piece that he decided not to write.

A liberal Mass. Note that the Cross is replaced by something Greener.

One of the riches of the Catholic Church is her unity and diversity. Within the Catholic big tent we have many who accept the Church's teaching - informed by scripture and tradition - but there are also many who want to make up their own rules, because they know better.

Do you really need to follow Christ to call yourself a Christian?

What liberal Catholics have concluded is that all this stuff about "eternal verities" is simply nonsense. It is the duty of the Church to adapt to the Spirit of the Age. We mustn't get left behind, trying to teach something different, must we? People might think of us as "different" from atheists, cranky, even. They might even stop inviting us to fashionable dinner parties!

St Paul - wrote nothing important.

Liberal Catholics understand that we have to rewrite our religion from scratch. Out goes all that old-fashioned stuff believed by Christ, the Apostles, the Saints and Martyrs, the Popes, and lots of other dead people. We have to find new religious teachers: Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, David Cameron, Barack Obama, and Polly Toynbee! Only by taking a little wisdom from each of these sages can we move forward.

"Let us pray." Pol replaces Paul.

Now, if you want to understand modern liberal Catholicism, you need to watch the BBC, or read the Guardian. Remember even Jesus, in one of His more advanced moments, said, And you shall know the comments, and the comments shall make you free (John 8:32). He saw that one day His teachings would be superseded. The teachings of Alan Rusbridger are more modern, and their scriptural authority is undeniable, since the writers are all still alive, and can be located in your nearest nursing home.

Of course liberal Catholics do not reject all moral teaching: adultery, murder, and false witness may no longer be sinful, but we must still condemn all bigoted attempts to impose ideas of sexual morality, any attempts to obstruct Choice, and the denial of climate change.

Forgive us our carbon dioxide, and deliver us from climate change.

I realize that traditionalists may not appreciate my take on the matter, but like it or not, the second Vatican Council has taken place. And although nobody ever talks about what it decided, God (if you don't mind my using an old-fashioned term) has sent His Spirit of Vatican II to tell us what it should have decided, and liberal Catholics are in the vanguard of inventing new things that could have been decided.

The vernacular Mass is now accepted as the Ordinary Form, and modern liberal Catholics see this as an opportunity for further development of the rite. Since most of them don't attend Mass very often, anyway, they cannot get used to the new translation, and so they have invited Kevin Mishmash, the publisher of Walk in the Light, Follow Me, and so much more, to produce a version without any of the hard words.

Do your hymns make people ill? If so, Kevin Mishmash may want to publish them.

Out goes: We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.

In comes:

We believe, We believe, We believe, 
That the Father's been making things!
Earth and Heaven, Heaven and Earth, 
The Father's been making things!
Things that we see, things that we don't.
The Father's been making things! Yeah!

© 2014 Kevin Mishmash.

I, for one, am glad that the liberals are there to interpret Catholicism as it was never interpreted before. They are a gift to the whole church.

Bosco plans a roberry

We mannaged to get rid of Farver Arfur the costume holly man, I fink he was last seen campin in his tent outside de Bank of Lost Angels in prottest against traddy Cathlics. Sometimes he camps outside de Catheddral to prottest against banks, it dont make a grate deal of diferrence either way.

In fact, sometimes he camps outside de swimmin pool to prottest against General Pinnochet - I fink he hasnt read a newspapper recently - and sometimes he camps outside de Chilean embassy to prottest about de high prices at de swimmin pool. Dis is called Libberal Thoelogy, and is anuvver way of not being saved.

Farver Arfur told us dat he practises de Custardy of de Eyes, which was invented by St Frances, and says dat you can take your clothes off in churhc and he wont notice.

Since Arfur was de herro of our last storry, here is a pitcher of him rellaxin wiv a nun. Dis proves he is a preist in good standin, as nuns doesnt rellax wiv ordinnary poeple. In fact dey calls dem "Sexxist pigg" and knees dem in de grion, as Bosco found out when he asked a nun to pose for a saucy pitcher for his luvvly blogg.

Dem wuonds is hard to explane, but perhaps Arfur and de nunn has been havvin a punch-up, frankkly Arfur can start a punch-up in an empty room. Maybe he asked her if she wuold like to learn about de Custardy of de Eyes.

Bosco had dis brillaint idea to steal de collectoin from de local Cathlic churhc. He explaned to me dat every dime dey put in de plate goes to support pervy preists, because de Pop likes em. It seems dat de Cathlics doesnt give money to de widdows and orhpans any more, or even de starvin milloins in Affrica, it all goes to dem costtume holly men. Bosco finks dat if he can pinch de money, den he can put it to a much better use, like a new Royce Rolls for Pastor Ise-Milk of de Calumny Chappel.

"Dere's a morral vaccum in de Cathlic church," said Anti Moly, "So it will be only fair to take all de collectoin money and buy gin wiv it."

But I had a worryin thuoght. "Aint steelin wrong, Bosco dere?" I asked. "Aint it against de 10 comanddments in de book of Exeters?"

"Eccles, you dimwit," said Bosco. "Dere is only 1 comanddment, do not make gravven immages. De uvvers is optoinal for us wot is alreddy saved, and in fact we fink it is bad manners to mentoin dem."

Havvin explaned dis sutble thoelogical point to me, Bosco had de brilliant iddea to disgiuse ourselves as nuns, becuase dey is always welcome in Cathlic churches. Dis is Bosco's costtume, I fink he will be able to slip in unnotticed, dont you?