This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 10 December 2018

Cardinal Napier "less Catholic than Ian Paisley"

Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier OFM was once a reasonably orthodox Catholic, but his history may be regarded as the Rake's Progress in 3 parts.

Napier, glum

Warning - this is going to end badly.

Part I - the Smiter of Heresy.

tweet about James Martin

Fighting talk, your Eminence!

Clearly this is a man who will stand no nonsense. Indeed, in the 2015 Synod on the Family, he expressed disquiet at the way it was being gerrymandered. Now he's stomping on Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who deserves stomping on if anyone does. What can possibly go wrong?

Part II - the Pope-worshipper.

tweet about Pope's wonders

Oh dear - he's been got at.

Our hero descends into a slavish adoration of Pope Francis and his dreadful Amoris Laetita (the Pope's little joke on the Church). I can't pinpoint any wonders achieved by Pope Francis, but I am sure that if we get a Pope Francis II (say, Cupich, Wuerl, or Tobin), then lots of dodgy miracles will be attributed to Francis I, and he'll be canonized before you can say "McCarrick!"

Part III - a place is reserved in Bedlam.

tweet about Ian Paisley

The final descent into madness.

Right, that's clear. Anyone who criticises Pope Francis is literally Hitler Ian Paisley, the loud-mouthed Protestant politician from Northern Ireland who shouted "Anti-Christ!" at Pope John-Paul II. Poor old Ian was actually very sound on issues like abortion and homosexuality, but he really didn't like Catholics. Now, it's hard to know whether Raymond Arroyo has shouted "Anti-Christ!" at Pope Francis. It's said that a lot of people mutter that phrase under their breath whenever the Holy Father goes on the rampage. Burke, Festing, Sarah, Sire, ...?

But poor old Arroyo is one of the mildest of chaps.

Part 4 (a bonus) - we ask the people to decide.

Twitter poll

Oh dear, this is most embarrassing. Not only did Cardinal Napier lose out badly to Raymond Arroyo in a Twitter poll, but he even lost out to Ian Paisley. I'm sorry, Wilf, I'm so very very sorry...

"And that Amoris Laetitia is rubbish as well!"

Sunday, 2 December 2018

2013 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman.

Pope Francis, a humble pope.

In 2013 Pope Benedict surprised everyone by resigning as pope and forgetting to die. Thus he was still allowed to wear his white coat, and did not have to be put in a tomb. The cardigans gave him the job of Emergency Pope, and met to choose a successor.

Pope and balloon hat

A humble pope, wearing the papal tiara.

Having had a saintly pope (John-Paul II) and a learned pope (Benedict), the cardigans decided try something completely different and choose their pope from Argentina, a man known as General Belgrano. He was strongly supported by the St Gay Mafia, which included Cardigan Dandruff, Cardigan Casper the unfriendly ghost, and Cardigan Comic Mercy-O'Conman.

General Belgrano was known to be a humble man, and indeed his papal motto was NON ESTIS HUMILES, EGO SOLUS HUMILIS, which means "You are not humble, only I am humble." He chose the name Francis in honour of Francis Ford Coppola, the producer of the Holy Father films.

Marlon Brando

The Holy Father.

One of the first actions of the new pope was to attack the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, who had been behaving too immaculately. Fr Fidelio Volpone was appointed to help them become less immaculate, so he helped them by dismantling the order. When he had done as much damage as possible, Fr Volpone decided that he had achieved his life's ambition, and died.

In the second year of his humble reign, Pope Francis held the first of two Sinners of the Family, which were meetings of bishops who wanted to try out new sins. A very powerful cardigan called Baldacchino was appointed to run these Sinners, and to tell the bishops which new sins they would be encouraged to commit.

Being a humble pope, Francis then decided that it was time to give an equal opportunity of humility to Cardigan Burke: it is said that he was jealous of him because he was an intelligent man who had read the Bible. Cardigan Burke had been a member of the Congratulation for Bishops, which chooses new bishops, but this was too important a post for a humble man, so the Pope told him to look after the Order of Malta instead. As we shall see, this was all part of a devious plan to cause more humiliation for Burke, although this took two more years.

Order of Malta

How do you make a Maltese cross? A problem that Pope Francis solved two years later.

Finally, at about this time Francis realised that he had been elected to sort out the problems of the Roman Curious, who were the people who did all the hard work in the Catholic Church. Being a humble pope he identified fifteen disorders from which they suffered, including Spiritual Alzheimer's, Numinous Measles, amd Gnostic Arthritis. However, apart from insulting them as part of his Christmas greetings, he took no further action at that time.

In the next part we meet Loudhailer Si', the 2nd Sinner of the Family, and the Year of Mersey.

Arms of the Pope

The arms of a humble pope.

Saturday, 17 November 2018

Brexodus 14: Maysis maketh a deal

Continued from Chapter 13

1. For four months after the departure of King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, the mighty leader May-sis continued to guide the children of Bri-tain.

2. And a new prophet was appointed, Dominus the Raabi, who was to speak with Michael Bar-Nier, the servant of Pharaoh Juncker of EUgypt.

Theresa May dancing

May-sis performeth a dance to please the people.

3. So, as the winter approached, Maysis announced an agreement that would make everyone equally happy: that is, not at all.

4. First, the children of Bri-tain would stay exactly where they were, but would be told "Guess what? Thou hast left EU-gypt."

5. Next, there would be an end to the brutal chastisement with whips, which so grieved the people. Henceforth, the children of Britain would be chastised with scorpions.

Daniel Craig and a scorpion

St James of Bond suffereth chastisement from a scorpion.

6. For these blessings, as for many others, such as the throwing of the Irishites into the sea, the children of Bri-tain would pay nine and thirty baskets of precious stones.

7. But to the astonishment of May-sis, the people refused to accept that a new era of happiness was dawning.

8. First there were the Gray Lingites, the Adonais, and others, who spake out saying "Give us a People's Vote, for those who voted last time were not people, but mere serfs."

9. "And let us vote many times: let our Nay be Nay, and let our Yea be Nay as well."

10. Then there were the Corbynites who spake out, saying "We care not what happeneth, provided that we are given the keys to the Street of Downing."

11. And many of the advisers of May-sis fled in disarray, including Dominus the Raabi, who had still not determined what exactly he was supposed to be doing.

12. And May-sis sought for another adviser, and the lot fell upon St Stephen Bar-Clay, for he alone was slow off the mark while the others fled.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Finally, the voice of the Mogg is heard in the land.

13. So at last, there came the mighty voice of Jacob Gogg-Magogg, saying, "Well, actually, don't you know, mine honourable friend hath lost honour and I feel that, on balance, it is time to cast her into a deep pit filled with savage dogs."

14. Thus Gogg-Magogg wrote to the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922, saying, "Alas, my confidence in May-sis is departed. Here is a short list of 300 people who could do a better job."

15. And May-sis waited to see how many more letters were sent to the council of 1922: for her fate depended on this.

To be continued.

Friday, 16 November 2018

U.S. bishops vote not to reject Satan

In an 83 to 137 vote (with 3 abstentions), the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have voted not to reject Satan.

The question "Do you reject Satan?", usually asked (in some form) at baptisms, is notorious for being a difficult one to answer. The obvious reponse, "Well, I really don't want to make any new enemies," is not usually considered adequate, and parents and godparents who are stuck for a reply are usually encouraged either to "phone a friend" or to "ask the audience".

Still, one expects bishops to have a ready-made answer, and it was somewht disconcerting to find that they were so divided on the issue. Follow-up questions like "Do you think sexual abuse is a problem?" and "Have you ever visited Ted McCarrick's beach house?" also divided the bishops.

Faithful Catholics may feel disappointed at the bishops' evident reluctance to upset the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, and the Maker of Empty Promises; some might have expected them to reject the glamour of evil and refuse to be mastered by sin. But do we have a right to complain? In the words of Cardinal DiNardo, president of the USCCB, "You do your job, and we'll do ours!" Well, that's certainly worked out well so far.

DiNardo

DiNardo finds a "safe space" away from members of the public.

Even less helpful was Cardinal Cupich, who said "Leave it to the Vatican to decide what's best." In point of fact we have been waiting on a telephone line to the Vatican for the last two years, listening to "Gather us in" on an endless loop, after we phoned up with a request for the answers to some Dubia.

Bishop being pinched

"Ooh! he pinched my backside!" Typical bishop-games.

So it's business as usual, I'm afraid.

Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Vatican revives the Index Librorum Prohibitorum

It gives us great pleasure to announce that the Vatican has revived the Index Librorum Prohibitorum of publications deemed heretical, or contrary to morality.

The Index was abolished by Pope Paul VI in 1966, after the Vatican II Council decided that heresy and immorality were henceforth perfectly good "alternative lifestyles". It is slightly surprising that Pope Francis should have restored it.

The compiler of the new Index is Father Thomas Rosica of the Satan Lite corporation, a regular reader of this blog. Here is his list, as revealed by Michael "Vortex" Voris. Note that it includes the Tablet, America, and the National Catholic Reporter, all publications that make excellent cat-litter.

Rosica's list

Websites to be avoided at all costs.

Unfortunately there are various Fake News stories going round. One is that this bunch of dreadful sites was actually recommended as "Trusted sources for Catholic News". Seems unlikely, doesn't it? On the other hand, how did Rosie's own Satan Lite group get into his list? Associated with this is another Fake News story - that the original list contained other Vatican favourites, including the "Gay Priests in Bondage" magazine, and Cardinal Cupich's magnum opus "A guide to purely consensual sinning."

Rosica reading a comic

"Gosh, that shouldn't be allowed!"

We are still awaiting the Vatican's real guide to trusted news sources. You will know it is genuine when ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com is listed.

Wednesday, 7 November 2018

Stop teasing poor Massimo

Egg on face time for Professor Massimo "Beans" Faggioli, the world's greatest theologian, as he was caught by a practical joke from Matthew Schmitz of First Things and the Catholic Herald.

Schmitz posted some interesting sentiments about Pope Francis, and Massi jumped in to say what nonsense they were.

Massimo and Schmitz

The snag was, that Schmitz's tweet was a direct quotation from Fr Rosica of the Satan Lite Media Group, one of Pope Francis's chief bootlickers. Of course, Rosie was describing Pope Francis as a dictator with enthusiasm, a point of view that most people would not share.

Rosie's rant

Was Rosie the author of "The Dictator Pope" after all?

Oh well, we all make mistakes, except Pope Francis of course, and Massi was very amused to be caught in the trap. So much so that he responded in these terms:

Massimo and Schmitz

We amateur snipers can only look on in wonder.

If I were not running the World Cup of Bad Hymns (see this blog and my Twitter feed ad nauseam, and with particular nausea as we approach the semi-finals), I would try and organize a "Let's amuse Massi" competition. We could tweet something at him, and see if he bites.

Suggestions:

1. Quote a chunk of Amoris Laetitia, the sillier the better, and see if he condemns it.

2. Quote something Massi himself said (he says so much that he can't possibly remember it all), and wait for it to be rejected.

3. (Best of all) quote Holy Scripture, perhaps a few verses from the Sermon on the Mount, and see Massi tell us that this is old-fashioned thinking and "modern theology like what I does" has shown it to be ridiculous.

the three stooges

Jim, Steve, and Rosie prepare a practical joke on Massi.

Monday, 5 November 2018

Time to run screaming from the church

We've reached the knockout stage of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Once again, some prize specimens have been eliminated, such as: I, the Lord of sea and sky (Here I am, Lord), The world is full of smelly feet, Sing a new church, They'll know we are Christian, and Christ be our light. But look at what's left...

The knockout stage goes as follows:

Quarter-finals, beginning November 5th:

A: Group 1 winner v Group 2 runner-up:
Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick) v Come to the table of plenty (Daniel Schutte).
Result: 54-46.

B: Group 2 winner v Group 1 runner-up:
One bread, one body (John Foley) v Gather us in (Marty Haugen).
Result: 35-65.

C: Group 3 winner v Group 4 runner-up:
Lord of the dance (Sydney Carter) v Gloria, clap, clap (Martin Anderson).
Result: 57-43.

D: Group 4 winner v Group 3 runner-up:
On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas) v Kumbayah (anon).
Result: 45-55.

Semi-finals, beginning November 13th:

1. Winner of A v Winner of C.
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Lord of the dance
Result: 38-62.

2. Winner of B v Winner of D.
Gather us in v Kumbayah
Result: 54-46.

Third place playoff, November 19th:
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Kumbayah
Result: 51-49.

Final on November 22nd, St Cecilia's Day.
Lord of the Dance v Gather us in
Result: 56-44.

Congratulations to Sydney Carter, and if you want a good laugh, read THIS.

St Cecilia

You want to sing WHAT???

May I beg all supporters to behave themselves and refrain from violence. We don't want scenes such as we saw in the 1898 World Cup of bad hymns, when fans of Ira D. Sankey's Sacred songs and solos went crazy and started singing:

Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is sinking today.
History relates that supporters of Knowles Shaw retaliated with:
'Tis the hand of God on the wall,  
'Tis the hand of God on the wall;  
Shall the record be, "Found wanting," or shall it be, "Found trusting!"
While that hand is writing on the wall?  
There were fifty arrests and two hundred casualties (mostly people driven permanently insane). No, we don't want any more of that, thank you.

fighting in church

Someone's fighting, Lord, Kumbayah.

Update: We have had requests for a "People's Vote" re-run, amidst allegations of Russian interference and illegal campaigning. Sorry, the results will stand.

Friday, 2 November 2018

I invented Fr James Martin

All right, my secret is out. As revealed by the formidable @lamblock, the character "Fr James Martin LGBTSJ" doesn't really exist, he is one of my own creations.

So what's wrong with that? Lots of people find it desirable to spice up their blogs with comic characters once in a while (cf. Fr Z's Zuhlio, Fr Longenecker's Duane Mandible, and the Tablet's Tina Beattie). I've even had a few other visitors to this blog, such as Fr Arthur, Sister Judy Piranha, and Anti Moly, whose existence is not fully established.

Satanic James Martin

So ludicrous you should have guessed it was photoshopped!

Yes, the concept of a Jesuit priest, living in New York, whose hobbies consist of (in no particular order):

1. Promoting LGBT issues;
2. Making up absurd bits of heresy;
3. Moaning about Trump;
4. Writing trashy books;
5. Self-publicity;
6. Making up absurd bits of heresy in order to moan about Trump and promote LGBT issues in his latest self-publicising trashy book...

is frankly absurd.

James Martin tweet

One of "Jim"'s favourites - pretending the Holy Spirit is female.

Look, you idiots. If Jim was a real person, he would have been disciplined by Cardinal Dolan, his ordinary, or General Sosa, the Big Cheese Jesuit. In any case a wise and orthodox pope such as Francis would never in a million years have asked him to advise on any issue more serious than the time of the next bus. Get real!

Bless you, folks, he is even supposed to have teamed up with New Ways Ministry, a well-known group of freaks, heretics, loonies, rebels, dissidents and all-round not-quite-Catholic fruitcakes. Or did I make them up as well?

James Martin tweet

"Mary Magdalene was the church." One of my silliest ideas, although I say it myself.

I'll tell you, it wasn't easy to hack into Amazon and make it seem that they were advertising a book called Building a Bridge which promotes LGBT stuff in clear contradiction to Catholic teaching. I hope nobody actually tried to buy the book, as what they will have received is a perfectly orthodox guide to civil engineering for children.

Building bridges

"I cannot recommend this book too highly" - Pope Benedict XVI.

Anyway, the cat is out of the bag now. So I will leave you to work out which of the following comic characters are also Eccles inventions:

1. Fr Thomas Rosica;
2. Cardinal Marx;
3. Dr Austen Ivereigh;
4. Cardinal Baldisseri.

HINT: One of them is real.

Anoter brilliant bit of photoshopping.

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

The 10 Commandments of Pope Francis

1. I am the Lord Francis, successor of Jesus Christ (in the words of the prophet Napier, the Vatican News, and others). Thou shalt obey me. And that includes thee, Viganò, wherever thou art hiding.

graven image of Pope Francis

And no graven images unless they actually look like me!

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Francis in vain. In particular any blog that saith "Look what this clown hath done now" shall be refused the new "APPROVED CATHOLIC BLOG" award, and so people will take it less seriously than Salt and Light, America, the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter, La Civiltà Cattolica, etc.

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Watch my show on television. That way, even if thou dost not make it to Heaven, thou canst still watch it on television.

4. Honour thy father and mother. Or thy father and father. Or mother and mother. Or whatever differently-ordered family thou mayst have. Better still, honour thy Holy Father, as nothing else really matters. See that thou dost not trouble him with Dubia - thou shalt receive no answer, anyway.

5. Thou shalt not kill. The death penalty hath been declared inadmissible. On the other hand, if thou art Emma Bonino or another good friend of Francis the God, then thou mayst slaughter babies with a clear conscience.

wicked bible

An excerpt from the sacred work Amoris Laetitia.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou hast a clear plan ahead, including discernment, accompaniment, gradualism, and conscience. Don't worry too much about this. See the footnotes at the bottom of these stone tablets.

7. Thou shalt not steal, although thou mayst perform dodgy financial transactions with other people's money. For do not some of my most trusted cardinals do this? (The money was resting in my account! OM)

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Actually, thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbour, either, lest thou be called "The great accuser".

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or live-in partner, boyfriend, or anyone to whom he saith "Nighty-night, baby. I love you." (Hands off, I saw him first! JT)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. And that includes coveting his papal office, his humble five-star apartment, his popemobile, and his "I AM INFALLIBLE" tee-shirt. These are going to Cupich when I rise to Heaven, so buzz off, the rest of you!

Burke and Sarah

Two notorious coveters.

Sunday, 28 October 2018

I wants to make your flesh creep

Sixteen wonderfully appalling works remain for Round 3 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Some surprises to me, at least, in that we have lost God's Spirit is in my heart, Bind us together, Lord, Walk in the Light, and Go, The Mass is ended, but this just shows the quality of the works remaining. Here is the grouping - the top two in each of the four groups will reach the last eight - the quarter final knock-out stage!
Title Author     Round 3
Kumbayah anon     3
Christ be our light Bernadette Farrell     4
I, the Lord of sea and sky Daniel Schutte     1
Come to the Table of Plenty Daniel Schutte     2
Sing a New Church Delores Dufner     3
Shine, Jesus, shine Graham Kendrick     1
This little light of mine Harry Dixon Loes     2
One bread, one body John Foley     2
Gloria (clap clap) Martin Anderson     4
Gather us in Marty Haugen     1
The world is full of smelly feet Michael Forster     2
On eagle's wings Michael Joncas     4
Alleluia Ch-Ch Paul Inwood     3
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love Peter Scholtes     4
Lord of the Dance Sidney Carter     3
I am the Bread of Life Suzanne Toolan     1
Need I say more?

Schutte

Get ready to Schutte for goal!

Round 3 begins on Monday 29th October.

Thursday, 25 October 2018

What do the yoof really want?

As the Yoof Synod continues on its merry way, we have asked some of the participants to explain what the Yoof really want, as they are obviously too young to decide for themselves.

Cardinal Marx

"Schweinehund! All I asked him for was a little cuddle..."

Cardinal "Rhino" Marx.

It has become clear to me that the Yoof are very interested in LGBT issues, and want us to change Catholic teaching so that same-sex relations are recognised as just as good as marriage. If not better. So far we are being thwarted by those wretched African cardinals, who, as my mate Walter Kasper pointed out, need to shut their traps and go back to Bongo-Bongo land.

As a subsidiary issue, what the Yoof also like is fat hairy cardinals supported by extravagant church taxes, who want to give Communion to anyone who is a fully paid-up member of the Church. I totally agree with them.

Martina Kopecká

"I am living proof that it's not just handsome young men that the cardinals like."

"Rev." Martina Viktorie Kopecká of the Czechoslovak Impudent Hussy Church.

I am deeply honoured to be the only female cleric attending the Yoof Synod. Obviously what the Yoof want is more female clerics, as Jesus obviously got things wrong when he appointed male disciples. Don't be scared, though - nobody is likely to notice that I'm a woman! Indeed some old man called "Uncle Ted", whom I met in the corridor, invited me back to his room by mistake, thinking I was a callow seminarian! Still, he's found his glasses again now.

At this Synod I feel accepted, and my voice is heard. What the Yoof want is more short-haired females dressed as priests. This is all they ever tell me.

Tagle Addams family

Groovy, man! (Click for video.)

Cardinal Chito Tagle, the world's oldest teenager.

They tell me I am likely to be Pope Francis III, following on from that excellent man Blase Cupich as Francis II. Being only 61 years old, I am practically a Yoof myself, and I certainly know what the Yoof like to do - to dance around clicking their fingers, to go clubbing, to listen to Bono Geldof, Red Floyd, Pink Hot Chilli Roses, Guns 'n Peppers, and other contemporary bands.

They call me the "tearful" cardinal, and it's true that I am a very emotional chap. What the Yoof are asking for is a new liturgy where there will be more finger-clicking, and also several places where they are encouraged to burst into tears. Onions will be supplied. Click-click!

However...

Baldisseri and the Pope

"Cardinal Baldisseri has already written a report telling you what you want."

Monday, 15 October 2018

Your 32 worst hymns

On to Round 2 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns, beginning on Tuesday 16th October. Now 32 examples of the poets' art remain, out of 64 originally, and there are eight groups of four from each of which two go through to the final 16.

Congratulations to Dan Schutte on getting three wonderfully appalling hymns through to the second round; Brian Howard, Estelle White and Marty Haugen are also going well.

hymn with guitar

All join in the singing, please.

Although officially neutral, I was disappointed that we lost "I watch the sunrise", "Colours of Day", "Enemy of apathy", "Our God reigns" and above all "Follow me" (the two shirts song), since this probably means that Fr Arfur will feel that it's OK to carry on using them at the church of St Daryl the Apostate. Oh well...

Title Author Rd 1 Rd 2
God's Spirit is in my heart Alan Dale 2 1
Kumbayah anon 10 6
Christ be our light Bernadette Farrell 13 8
Bind us together, Lord Bob Gillman 15 7
If I were a butterfly Brian Howard 5 3
I just wanna be a sheep Brian Howard 14 8
Walk in the Light Damian Lundy 3 1
I, the Lord of sea and sky Daniel Schutte 1 1
Let us build the city of God Daniel Schutte 7 3
Come to the table of plenty Daniel Schutte 16 7
Sing a new Church Delores Dufner 6 4
Moses, I know you're the man Estelle White 14 7
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top Estelle White 16 8
Shine, Jesus, shine Graham Kendrick 10 5
This little light of mine Harry Dixon Loes 4 1
I am the Living Bread Ifeanyichukwu Eze 7 4
Eat this bread Jacques Berthier 11 5
One bread, one body John Foley 12 5
Gift of finest wheat John Michael Talbot 1 2
Gloria (clap clap) Martin Anderson 12 6
As the deer pants Martin Nystrom 11 6
Let us build a house where love can dwell / All are welcome Marty Haugen 5 4
Gather us in Marty Haugen 6 3
Who is the alien Mary Louise Bringle 9 5
The world is full of smelly feet Michael Forster 8 3
On eagle's wings Michael Joncas 4 2
Alleluia Ch-Ch Paul Inwood 15 8
They'll know we are Christians by our love Peter Scholtes 8 4
Jesus Christ the apple tree R.H. 9 6
Lord of the Dance Sidney Carter 2 2
Go, the Mass is ended Sister Marie Lydia Pereira 3 2
I am the Bread of Life Suzanne Toolan 13 7

man in pain

Get voting!

Sunday, 14 October 2018

Christine Blasey Ford attempts to stop canonizations

The canonizations of Pope Paul VI and Oscar Romero were interrupted today, when a wild-looking woman rushed into St Peter's Square claiming to have been assaulted by the duo back in the 1980s.

Christine Blasey Ford

"They spiked my drink - this drink."

It was pointed out to Dr Ford that Pope Paul VI died in 1978, and Archbishop Romero in 1980, but she was unrepentant. "It must have been some other pro-life Catholic - who have you got?" she asked. "Perhaps that Polish guy. Shall we go for him?"

Pope Francis is now under pressure to get the VBI (Vatican Bureau of Investigation) to check the history of Pope Paul VI, and Oscar Romero, especially as neither has been properly scrutinised so far. The VIA (Vatican Intelligence Agency) may also be involved, but it is currently very busy trying to track down Archbishop Viganò with a view to terminating him with extreme prejudice.

Pope Francis and Swiss Guard

"Remember, you are licensed to kill."

LATE NEWS: Dr Ford has now changed her story, and is very uncertain about whether she ever met any popes, or ever went to El Salvador. But she says that today she was admiring some papal tombs in Rome when a hand came out of one of them and pinched her on the backside. She is not sure which pope it was who assaulted her, but thinks it may have been Alexander VI, who is known to have had an eye for the girls. This is likely to set back his canonization by another 500 years.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

Spirit of Vatican II to be canonized

It was originally decided to canonize Pope Paul VI, on the basis of his heroic life and many miracles, such as the emptying of the churches, and the opening of the liturgy to all people too lazy to find out what it said in Latin. However, Pope Francis has now decided that it is safest not to canonize a mere mortal, especially one who, like all the popes of the past, disagrees with him on matters of doctrine.

Pius XII and Paul VI

"Apparently, one of us will be a saint."

Instead, it has been decided to canonize the Vatican II council, or at least its representative in Heaven, the Spirit of Vatican II. That way, all the achievements of Vatican II - not exactly its decisions, as these have been largely ignored - are given the imprimatur of "saintly" and cannot be questioned.

This of course opens the way for Pope Francis to implement some of his pet projects, such as the banning of the Latin Mass, the ordination of women, the final rehabilitation of Cardinal McCarrick, etc. etc., all of which can be justified by an appeal to the Spirit of Vatican II.

Spirit of Vatican II

The new saint.

As a form of reflected glory, many people closely associated with Vatican II will now have the status of "blessed"; these include people such as Annibale Bugnini whom it would be difficult to slip into Heaven on their own merits.

Apparently, another of the Pope's idols is also being canonized this weekend. I know nothing about him, apart from what Shakespeare says.

Paul VI and Oscar Romero

"Romero? Romero? Wherefore art thou Romero?"

Friday, 12 October 2018

The martyrdom of St Donna

1. And there was a man sent by God, called Donald Wuerl, who was made a prince of the Church; he was known to all as Donna, although no man can guess why.

2. And this man had an uncle, named Ted, who was a notorious evil-liver, yeah his deeds caused fear and disgust among all the young people with whom he came into contact.

Pope Francis and Wuerl

"You're fired! But keep up the good work."

3. But Donna, when he took over as ruler of the town of Wash-ing, knew nothing of the deeds of Uncle Ted.

4. For to the pure all things are pure, as well as to those who prefer not to look for trouble.

5. And yet, even when Uncle Ted had gone to a better place (his beach house), there was still much evil in the town of Wash-ing, and the high priests committed foul deeds.

6. And Donna knew of these evil priests, and carefully moved them around every time they were caught.

7. Hence the expression "La Donna è mobile," that is to say, "Donna likes to move them round."

8. Now when Donna was much advanced in years, he tendered his resignation to the Holy Father, he that was called Francis.

9. But Francis said "Let Donna continue in his wickedness, for he is one of us."

10. "For when Judas Iscariot tendered his resignation, did not Peter exercise mercy and say, 'Thou mayst continue as a disciple until someone notices'?"

11. However, one day it became inevitable that Donna should go. For the Jury that is Grand had begun to beat upon the doors of the town that is Wash-ing.

12. And so Francis said farewell unto Donna, weeping to lose such a faithful servant.

Rosica is touched

Where exactly did he touch you, Rosie?

13. And everyone said, "What a saint that man was. How could we lose such a wonderful shepherd of his sheep? Was he not hounded out of office?"

14. And some said "We shall not see his like again."

15. But others said, "Oh yes we shall. Remember Cupich, and Farrell, and Tobin?"

16. Nighty-night!

Monday, 8 October 2018

Ouellet puts the boot in

Dear brother Carlo Maria Viganò,

As Deputy Assistant Vice-Pope, and one who might have gone to the top if it hadn't been for the St Gallen mob - er, I mean the Holy Spirit - I am writing to you about your latest statements spilling the Faggioli about Pope Francis (a little Vatican joke, there. Beans, get it? Oh, suit yourself.)

Ouellet and Pope

"Oh look, it's Ted over there!"

I find your current attitude incomprehensible and extremely troubling, as it makes the Pope, Cardinals and Bishops look like complete fools. Which nobody ever suspected before. Remember that criticising the Holy Father is blasphemy (CCC 9745, added today), and far worse than, say, criticising Jesus, who did not have the advantages of reading Amoris Laetitia.

How dare you say that Pope Benedict - whoever he may be - put sanctions on Uncle Ted McCarrick? The fact is that when Pope Francis took over he found Ted lying in chains in a deep dungeon, deprived of even the humblest seminarian for companionship. Being a merciful as well as humble pope, he promptly released him, saying "Go and sin some more" (John 8:11). Uncle Ted was promptly made the Vatican's Special Envoy to Vulnerable Seminarians, and how do you dare criticise the Pope's decision?

Benedict and Francis

"Read this lot before you release McCarrick."

Of course, Pope Francis makes prudential judgements, and he is not infallible, except when he chooses to be. And he does now.

Dear pontifical representative emeritus, I tell you frankly that to accuse Pope Francis of having covered-up knowingly the case of an alleged sexual predator is unbelievable and without foundation. He didn't bother mentioning the case to anyone, but that is not the same thing at all.

I have the privilege of having long meetings with Pope Francis every week to discuss the appointment of bishops and the problems that affect their governance. I know very well how he treats persons and problems: with great charity, mercy, attentiveness and seriousness, as you too have experienced. (Hang on a minute, Eccles, that's a real quotation.)

We must recognise Pope Francis for what he is, a true shepherd, a martyr, a saint, a resolute and compassionate father, a prophetic grace for the Church and for the world; yes, a humble man who gave his last euro to a dying beggar, and didn't ask for it back until later. He is incapable of doing wrong, and I can only conclude that your revelations are part of a plot to incriminate him for things he may or may not have done; until he agrees to a DNA test we can't be sure, can we?

Cupich

"No, no, I'm only *dressed* like a hit-man."

Don't think you'll get away with this, Viganò. We know where you live. Well, we don't, but when we find you, you'll wish you'd taken out extra accident insurance.

Your loving brother in Christ,

Marc Ouellet, the Very Eminent.

Sunday, 7 October 2018

How to organize a Yoof Synod

Yet another episode in our long-running series on how to be a good pope. Remember, if they elected Francis as pope, they might easily elect you, so be prepared!

As scandals rage around you - Chile, China, the USA, the Vatican - it makes for a useful distraction if you have a Yoof Synod running. Ask your dear friend Cardinal Baldfacedliar to write the full documents of the synod well in advance, and stick a "Magisterial" label on them. Don't under any circumstances allow anyone to know what was actually agreed during the synod - it will bear no relation to Baldy's final document, anyway.

synod logoclown juggling

Two versions of the Synod Logo.

Now, you need to have a few Yoof in the Synod, say 10% of the number present. Ignore "Uncle Fred" if he telephones you asking you to pick some good-looking ones - it will only get you into trouble. Of course all the decisions will be made by bishops who know what the Yoof want - or, more precisely, by Baldy in consultation with some of your top advisers - so ignore any requests for orthodox teaching, the Mass of their forefathers, or indeed anything religious. Instead, make sure you address LGBT issues, climate change, and plastic straws, as these are the things that Yoof lose sleep over.

rainbow over Rome

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ jets in.

Now you need to get down wiv da Yoof, even if you aren't really going to take any notice of them. Perhaps you could invite some young Catholic rock stars that you know they like - Bono, Cliff Richard, Mick Jagger? Your mentor Cardinal Kasper says that they're all fans of Harry Potter - which is all about the fat wizard Dolandore, Professor McCarrickall, Severus Snapero, and the man we all love to hiss, Viganomort. You see where this is leading?

Pope and witches's stang

Get yourself a witches' stang!

In the old days pre-2013, the bishop's crozier was modelled on a shepherd's crook, with the stupid outdated traddy idea that pastors were in some sense shepherds of their sheep. Nowadays we prefer to channel the spirit of Saruman, or Radagast, or paganism in general. So get yourself a trusty witches' stang, and the Yoof will think you are "ace", "cool" and "groovy" (modern English Yoof slang courtesy of Cardinal Nichols!)

Now all synods have committees, and your hope is that these will keep the bishops sober and make them believe they are influencing the Synod. But here comes a snag! Cardinal Sarah-Jane, the man waiting in the wings for you to pop off, has refused to serve on one of them! He cites "personal reasons" but you know that what he's really thinking is: "When I become Pope I'm going to declare this Synod invalid." This is tricky, we must think of more ways to humiliate him (cf. Burke, Müller, Festing, etc.)

demonic party

And now - let's party with a demon!

The Yoof have written you a letter saying that what they would really like would be for you to celebrate a traditional Latin Mass, with Gregorian chant. But Baldy has "lost" this letter, and reconstructed it from memory - so officially what they want is to go "clubbing". Invite in some more young idols of the yoof - say, Paul McCartney, the ever-young Madonna (age 94), and even that good Catholic Cher. This will keep them quiet, and you can Carry on Synodding.

To be continued?