The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Next (but not for several weeks): Bad Hymns (again), Synod Jargon (again), and Pope Francis insults.

Quick World Cup of Latin Mass Letter Writers

As is probably well known to most readers, 48 fairly famous people, mostly from the world of writing, music and politics, signed a letter to the Times, making an appeal to the Pope to stop stamping on the Traditional Latin Mass and its adherents (I paraphrase here). This was similar to the "Agatha Christie" letter addressed to Pope Paul VI in 1971, which was largely succesful in its results.

But what should we call this letter, or rather, after whom? The 48 noble signatories are listed below, and I intend to conduct a quick world cup - I want to get it done in 2 weeks, so the rules will be slightly different - to choose one of the names.

Some are very well known, some rather obscure, but I think they all have Wikipedia entries, if you need any help working out who they are. I don't expect this Quick World Cup to be as popular as some others - for example the new World Cup of Bad Hymns, due to run in August - but I will bear this sorrow courageously.

The 48 runners are:

Robert Agostinelli
Lord Alton of Liverpool
Lord Bailey of Paddington
Lord Bamford
Lord Berkeley of Knighton
Sophie Bevan
Ian Bostridge
Nina Campbell
Meghan Cassidy
Sir Nicholas Coleridge
Dame Imogen Cooper
Lord Fellowes of West Stafford
Sir Rocco Forte
Lady Antonia Fraser
Martin Fuller
Lady Getty
John Gilhooly
Dame Jane Glover
Michael Gove
Susan Hampshire
Lord Hesketh
Tom Holland
Sir Stephen Hough
Tristram Hunt
Steven Isserlis
Bianca Jagger
Igor Levit
Lord Lloyd-Webber
Julian Lloyd Webber
Dame Felicity Lott
Sir James MacMillan
Princess Michael of Kent
Baroness Monckton of Dallington Forest
Lord Moore of Etchingham
Fraser Nelson
Alex Polizzi
Mishka Rushdie Momen
Sir Andras Schiff
Lord Skidelsky
Lord Smith of Finsbury
Sir Paul Smith
Rory Stewart
Lord Stirrup
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa
Dame Mitsuko Uchida
Ryan Wigglesworth
A N Wilson
Adam Zamoyski

And this was the letter (you can click to enlarge).

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QUALIFIERS FOR THE SUPER SIX, AS THEY COME IN.

FINAL RESULTS LISTED AFTER THE PHOTOS.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Sir James MacMillan

Princess Michael of Kent

Lord Alton of Liverpool

Tom Holland

Lady Antonia Fraser

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Group 1:
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa 28.2
Princess Michael of Kent 42.7
Tom Holland 29.1

Group 2:
Sir James MacMillan 60.8
Lord Alton of Liverpool 21.6
Lady Antonia Fraser 17.5

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FINAL

Princess Michael of Kent 45.5 v Sir James MacMillan 54.5

So congratulations to the new Agatha Christie, Sir James MacMillan!

The Book of Numbskulls 2 - after the fall of Bosis

After some delay, continued from Chapter 1.

1. Following the fall of Bosis, it was decided that the children of Bri-tain would be led by his servant Trusshua.

But Liz telleth Liz that she will not be around for long.

2. Thus Trusshua went to see the Queen of Elisheba to receive the holy seals of office.

3. And such was the joy of Elisheba that she died three days later, to be succeeded by her eldest son, the King Charlemagne III.

The Lady of the Lake giveth the sword to Charlemagne.

4. So for ten days there was no government, as the country went into mourning, and the critics said: "All goeth very well at present. Can we not mourn for a few more years?"

5. But it was not to be, and Trusshua was obliged to govern. Thus she asked her chancellor, the Quartengmaster, to produce a mini-budgie, which would greatly increase the wealth of the people of Bri-tain.

6. However, the mini-budgie refused to fly, and the people were exceedingly wrathful.

7. Indeed, they stayed wrathful for another eighteen months, as we shall see.

This budgie is not more. It hath ceased to be.

8. Thus it was decided that Trusshua must go. But she spake out boldly, saying "I am a fighter not a quitter."

9. And then she resigned on the next day.

10. So this time the Conservatites decided that voting on a new leader was not a good idea.

11. Besides, if they chose anyone except Rishi the Sunakite, he would destroy the lucky one with plagues of cake and budgies.

12. Thus Rishi went to see King Charlemagne, to tell him that he was the people's choice.

13. And thus he was ready to meet other world leaders too.

Bless you! I'm the people's choice too!

To be continued.

A letter about the Latin Mass

The scene: Pope Francis is relaxing in a deck chair, idly thinking up new punishments that he can inflict upon Cardinal Burke. In rushes (well, waddles) Arthur Roche.

Someone is about to receive a bad shock.

Roche: Holy Father! There's a letter here you must see! We're doomed.

Francis: Oh no! Has Rupnik finally told everyone where the bodies are buried? Quick: book us onto the next plane to China!

Roche: No, nothing like that.

Francis: Sarah, Burke and Zen again? We can ignore them.

Roche: In fact it's a letter to the London Times about the Latin Mass.

Francis: Oh, a few Catholics moaning again? Joseph Shaw? Surely not Vincent Nichols? I thought you'd got him under your thumb? Or is Damian Thompson baring his teeth again?

Roche: No, it's worse than that. It's CELEBRITIES!

Francis (looks at letter): Oh, I've heard of some of these. Susan Hampshire! Stephen Hough! Bianca Jagger! I invited them to the last synod, but they were too busy.

Susan Hampshire discusses the TLM with her spiritual director.

Francis (contd.): Well, if it's CELEBRITIES and not ordinary Catholics, then we have to take action. Oh, but hang on...

Roche: What?

Francis: No Stephen Fry. No Richard Dawkins. No Carol Vorderman. It can't possibly be a genuine letter if they haven't signed it. Phew! It's OK, Arthur, you can carry on with your extermination plans...

No Agatha Christie this time, but Lady Antonia Fraser has some advice for Arthur Roche.

Zen and the art of Michael Lofton maintenance

The story so far:

You are a middle-aged man with a big head and a small beard, running a popular and lucrative website that some days has more than three viewers. Then guess what! Some jumped-up cardinal says cruel things about you!

It is your DUTY to put this Zen chap in his place!

This old man from Japan (memo: check this) dares to criticise Fiducia Supplicans - you know, that very important magisterial letter that told us that homosexual couples should be /blessed/ /shown the door/ /kissed/ /sent off to join the Jesuits/ ... well, we're not sure what, as the rules change every day. Still, priests can probably get away with blessing them provided that they cross their fingers while doing so, do not take more than 16.314 seconds over the task, and provided that the parties do not form a couple, but a pair, or possibly a brace, duo, or dyad. And the blessing must not look like a wedding - so no white dresses, bridesmaids, flowers, crying, or Wagner's immortal tune "Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide."

"I'll bet that this jumped-up cardinal doesn't even have tattoos all over his body!"

Well, you've got this Zen chap over a barrel now. He needs to be laicised, put on the rack, and (worst of all) forced to watch 200 hours of videos from your website "Reason and Theology - only joking, folks!" For he is clearly denying the Hermitage of Continuity, Vatican II, and the divinity of Pope Francis, and he is probably a Buddhist anyway, what with a crazy name like Zen.

Ha ha ha! Serve him right!

But HE BITES BACK. He tells people to stop wasting their "Michael's Pence" on your website, and instead to find a grown-up who knows what he's talking about!

You aren't standing for that! STEP 1: kick the cat. STEP 2: well, we'll think of something.

Next week: Cardinal Zen tells us what he thinks of Austen Ivereigh, Fr James Martin SJ, and "speedy" Cupich - who has just broken the record for the fastest ever Eucharistic procession.

Cardinal Cupich leads the procession (cue Yakety-Sax music).

The Pope needs some common cents!

Today we are celebrating the solemnity of St Peter and St Paul, and so this is also the time when the Pope gets out his begging bowl and asks us to donate Peter's Pence.

Times are hard!

To be fair, popes do have needs that the rest of us don't. When was the last time that YOU invested in Jesuitman, a pornographic film about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ Rocketman, a pornographic film about Elton John? When did YOU last try some dodgy property speculation? But these are activities that one only expects from the Holy Father.

It's Cardinal Dolan in Rockette-man!

So give generously. If Francis asks for pence, give him pence! Or if your natural currency is dollars or euros, then you can be sure that the pope is lacking in common cents! So help him to acquire some.

"But I don't give tuppence for the Pope's needs!"

Unfortunately at my church this morning there wasn't a great rush to shower the Vatican with gold and silver. In fact, poor old Ian, holding the bag for the retiring collection, was looking very glum, perhaps wondering why everyone seemed to be avoiding him.

Of course, if you don't want to upset Ian, there are acceptable things to put in the bag as alternatives to filthy lucre. Old buttons, maybe? A little envelope containing a pious message to Pope Francis (keep it clean, folks!)?

Or perhaps a P45?

How to conduct a trial for schism

This is another in our long-running series on "How to be a good Pope", which is read regularly by Pope Francis and his likely successors, Cardinals Cupich, Roche and Fernández (surely, Sarah, Burke and Müller ?) for useful advice.

In fact, if you think YOU may be the next pope but three, it's probably a good move to keep up to date with this series.

All good friends, really!

Some time in your papacy you may find someone who disagrees violently with you - even though you are the Holy Father and infallible in everything you say. Even half-remembered chats to Scalfari (RIP) and ex-aeroplana pronouncements on long flights are infallible. As is calling homosexuals "Massimo Faggiolis" (my Italian is not great but I think this means "Big Beans", which is a well-known term of abuse).

Luckily, the Catholic Church has a remedy for dissidents, an extrajudicial criminal trial for schism.

"Extrajudicial" is an interesting word. I think it means "sentence first, verdict afterwards", as the Queen of Hearts (also infallible) says in "Alice in Wonderland". It certainly doesn't mean a nice public trial, with you and your adversary - let's call him Archbishop Vinegar, so that nobody will think I'm talking about a real person - getting into the witness box and being insulted by men in silly wigs (or whatever the equivalent of the English system is).

"Just answer the question, Mr Francis."

Vinegar's accusations are many and varied. Some of the most hurtful are that you pull the wings off butterflies and kick lovable fluffy kittens. Good grief, if a pope can't do that, then who can?

Of course you do have many real skeletons in your cupboard, some of which Vinegar has managed to find. Others are well-known to any knowledgeable Catholic - your fondness for protecting unsavoury characters such as that dreadful painter Marko the Ripper, for example. No chance of his being subject to an extrajudicial criminal trial! He knows too much...

Anyway, after Vinegar's trial, or rather, before it, comes the sentence. You have checked with your advisers, and we no longer use the rack or the iron maiden - well, except at the wildest of Cardinal Cocoa's drug orgies - and all you can really do is excommunicate him. What an anti-climax!

Archbishop Vinegar will not be expecting this either.

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Nothing to do with the above (or is it?), but the AI program Copilot kindly produced a picture of the famous Annibale Bugsbunni, to whom we all owe so much. It would be a pity not to use it here.

What's up, Holy Father?

Pope Francis decides to reform all masses

Pope Francis the Peacemaker has finally found a compromise between all the different factions in the Catholic Church (including those who find spiritual nourishment from Traditional Latin Masses, Novus Ordo masses, LGBTF masses, Clown Masses, etc. etc.).

A few minor changes are expected.

"There was only one possible solution," said the Holy Father. "We can't have people offering different types of masses, while still believing them to be valid. Therefore we must find an alternative!"

Of course there is only one possible alternative - synods! "On Sundays and Holy Days we expect faithful Catholics to go into their churches, sit round tables, and attempt to bore the pants off their neighbours!" explained Cardinal Roche of the Dicastery for Divine Worship. "Coffee and cake - lots of cake - will be provided, as that is definitely a form of worship!"

Preparing for the Synomasses

Cardinal Víctor Manuel Fernández of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith agrees. "Of course, kissing will be allowed, as that is also a form of worship. We shall extend the ever-popular 'kiss of peace' to thirty minutes and make it more touchy-feely."

The new services - to be called Synomasses - will of course be conducted in "Vernacular", so that everyone can understand them, even if they go to Norway, Mozambique or Samoa. "Those Vernaculans knew a thing or two - they invented a language that everyone could speak!" explained the learned Professor Massimo Faggioli.

Preparing for the Synomasses!

Of course, not everyone is immediately satisfied: "Can we guarantee that every church will have a Rupnik mural?" asked Dr Austen Ivereigh. "Will Pachamama still be revered?" asked Mike Lewis. "Will rainbow flags be flown?" asked Fr James Martin LGBTFSJ. Fear not, Pope Francis the Peacemaker has promised that all of these will be a COMPULSORY part of Synomasses!

The Synod of Comics and the Synod of Despots

As a by-product of the Synod on Synodal Synodality, Pope Francis is enjoying synods so much that he decided to hold two more.

Getting ready for some kenotic decentering.

First, the Synod of Comics. A bit of a mixed bunch here - Fr James Martin LGBTSJ made the cut, but Austen Ivereigh didn't. Then Stephen Colbert, was there, chosen for being Catholic but not too Catholic, and certainly not too funny.

Colbert likes to needle people.

Also Whoopi Goldberg is about as anti-Catholic as they come. But she will be walking with the rest (or perhaps waddling), all the while looking for a new way of being Church. Oh, that's enough, let's move on to the synod of despots.

"Could you jump-start my brain, please? The battery's flat."

All the great world leaders - by which we mean acolytes of Soros, Schwab and Gates etc. - will be attending the synod of despots. Well not all - you would expect to see despots such as Arthur Roche and Victor Fernández attending, but Uncle Arthur dropped out when he was told there would be no cake, while Tucho was told he would not be allowed to kiss anyone, not even Ursula von der Leyen.

"How nice to meet someone who's even more unpopular than I am!"

Of course, Pope Francis will be at both synods. His own Amoris Laetitia is packed with jokes as funny as anything Colbert ever said, while his despotic skills have never been questioned.

Well, that will take people's attention away from Rupnik, won't it?

It's Sloth Pride!

Brother Eccles couldn't be bothered to write this post himself, so we arranged for someone else to put it together.

We are lazy, and we are proud of it! For too long the Catholic Church has persecuted those who share our orientation towards work (we turn our backs on it). However, we in the LBDN - Lazy Blighters Doing Nothing - Community are now ready to take action - although obviously we won't do very much.

Posters like this will soon be seen everywhere. Or maybe we won't bother.

Is it really right in this post-Vatican II era that Sloth should be a deadly sin? Why do the Catholics refuse to marry people who won't make the effort to go to church? Why should lazy people be prevented from taking communion, just because they stay in bed all day? For too long the Church has shown institutionalized Acediaphobia! Well, times are changing, and we slobs are coming out of the closet, although we'll probably be having a lie-down soon!

London's Sloth Pride March! Unfortunately, nobody turned up.

We have the support of many senior clergy. We got someone to write a letter to Vincent Nichols, asking if he would give us a special church in the Westminster Archdiocese, where Sloth Masses could be held (we could watch them on television, of course). Cardinal Nichols showed true Sloth Awareness by not bothering to answer us. Likewise, in America we approached Cardinal Dolan; he was on a "Gluttony Pride" march at the time, but he did make us feel welcome.

See! Sloth Masses are just like any other!

We even asked the Holy Father to dash off an encyclical for us, perhaps to be called Panem Otiosa. (I must look that up sometime, I'm told it's from Proverbs 31:27.) If he doesn't do it, we'll know he's supporting us by his actions! Indeed, Cardinal Grech has already told us that we have the full support of the Pope, and that the 2024 Synod on Synodality will welcome spokesmen for the lazy, the idle, the slothful and the work-shy. Not that any will be turning up.

Equal rights for the Lazy!

Sloth Pride!

This is an updated version of a piece originally published in 2015.

Paul the Apostle accused of using offensive words

Corinth, 56 A.D.

Senior Catholic Paul the Apostle (formerly Saul of Tarsus) has stunned the Roman church today by using derogatory language about homosexuals in his Epistle to the Romans. Our apologies to sensitive readers here, but he is reported as using terms such as "burned in their l*sts" and "that which is f*lthy".

Paul - in hot water.

Even the usual Paulsplainers are shocked by this outspoken language, and Tertius of Iconium, the cardinal's amanuensis (surely, Austenus of Iverium?), has had to intervene with a statement saying:

* Paul never said that.

* Well, all right he said that, but Greek isn't his native language and he didn't know that these words were rude.

* Well, all right, he did know, but that's the way they always speak in Tarsus. See his usage of terms such as f*rnication and w*ckedness, which are not normally seen in polite society.

* Can we change the subject now and talk about climate change in Greece? Phew, what a scorcha it's been this summer, eh?

The top Paulsplainer site, Where Paul Is has so far refused to criticise the Holy Apostle, or to back him. It is believed that its manager is suffering a nervous breakdown.

Paul himself has not commented, but he is believed to be working on a new Epistle to the Frociaggians, which will be even more outspoken.

The eight greatest Catholic leaders

I'm using this post to record the results of the final rounds of the World Cup of Great Catholic leaders. Many well-known "leaders" have fallen by the wayside, including Pope Francis, Cardinals Fernández and Roche, and those invited to President Biden's party for Catholic leaders, such as Fr James Martin SJ and Fr Thomas Reese SJ. But there is plenty of talent left in the competition.

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QUARTER-FINALS

Robert Sarah 81.2 v John Zuhlsdorf 18.8

Joseph Strickland 33.6 v Gerhard Ludwig Müller 66.4

Athanasius Schneider 51.6 v Raymond Burke 48.4

Carlo Maria Viganò 21 v Joseph Zen 79

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SEMI-FINALS

Robert Sarah 66.1 v Athanasius Schneider 33.9

Gerhard Ludwig Müller 31.6 v Joseph Zen 68.4

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Athanasius Schneider 58.9 v Gerhard Ludwig Müller 41.1

BRONZE for Bishop Schneider!

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!!! FINAL !!!

Robert Sarah 61.7 v Joseph Zen 38.3

GOLD for Cardinal Sarah, SILVER for Cardinal Zen!

Pentecost Special

Some of this is true, some of it exaggerated. Decide for yourselves which is which.

To Mass on Pentecost Sunday. We were told in advance that there would be a bring-food-and-share-it meal afterwards, encouraged to wear our own national costumes and bring our traditional food (we're a fairly diverse parish).

First surprise: the three Mass readings weren't in English (or even Latin). Admittedly, they were printed in English on the service sheet, but it sometimes became impossible to match them to the foreign-language readings we heard.

"... how does it happen that each hears him in his own native language?"

(N.B.: we didn't this time.)

One example: an African in traditional costume read the bit from the Acts of the Apostles. Actually, not a great loss, as he has such a heavy accent that I cannot always follow him when he reads in English, either.

The other languages used were easier to identify.

"What traditional English costume was Eccles wearing?" You may ask. I had several possibilities, but I won't reveal which one I eventually chose.

Option 1.

Option 2.

Option 3.

I did my bit for diversity by putting some left-over Swedish kronor in the collection, rather than the usual 5p. I've been trying to get rid of them for several years.

Anyway, we come to the bring-food-and-share-it. What traditional English foods would appeal to everyone? Tripe and onions? Black pudding? Jellied eels? Eccles cakes (of course)?

And what traditional foreign foods will they offer in return? Frogs' legs? Snails? Sheep's eyes? Korean hot dogs? Yummy!

In the end we were blessed by food from the New Hebrides / Vanuatu, where traditionally they ate missionaries.

Delicious!