Jesubots recalled for reconfiguration

Following Fr Thomas Reese SJ's description of Earth as one of God's failed experiments we can reveal that he is nearer to the truth than he realises.

In fact he himself is one of a generation of Jesubot androids created not by God but by Vatican II Enterprises in the nineteen-sixties. These were intended as an experiment in Artificial Intelligence, designed to replace the Jesuits, which at that time was an order of holy men in the Catholic Church. However, over the years, the Jesubots have developed numerous faults, and they are now being recalled for repairs, reconfiguration, and in some cases - the LGBT Jimbot - scrapping altogether.

Mighty despots have traditionally employed fools: the Reesebot acts as an artificial substitute.

The most powerful of the Jesubots is the Bergoglidroid, about which many complaints have been registered with the makers. It has been accused of uttering heresy on many occasions - this is a software error that can probably be fixed - and has also taken to systematic persecution of groups of Catholics, along with its (non-Jesubot) sidekick ArthurD2.

ArthurD2 - the malfunctioning droid from Roche Enterprises.

Other faulty Jesbots include the Sosa, which accepts no teaching that is not recorded electronically in its database, and of course the Reesebot itself, with its confused "don't take children to the TLM" burblings, amongst many other gliches.

Waiting to be sent back for recycling.

Other robot manufacturers have realised that they too must fix some of the bugs in their products. For example, it has been a bad week for the Cupidroid (a rejected design from Cardinal Enterprises), which had been programmed to give a message on January 6th about wise men going to the stable to see the baby Jesus. Owing to a short circuit this turned into a condemnation of a bunch of nutters going to the White House to see Joe Biden. This somehow inspired feelings of horror in the Cupidroid's tiny mind (comparable to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, etc.)

A re-enactment of the Normandy landings.

Readers will no doubt have seen faults in other droids by the same manufacturers - although few will be completely broken up for spare parts as was the "Uncle Ted" McCarridroid, a close associate of the Cupidroid. Still, it is good to know that something is finally being done.

Has Francis been replaced by an android?

Various theories have been advanced about the mysterious device seen attached to Pope Francis, as observed on Marco Tosatti's lovely blog. Is it a radio, enabling him to receive instructions from his controller, Fr Spadaro? Could it be a medical device, allowing the Pope to operate at a faster rate than the average 83-year-old? Or is it simply a communicator produced by the primitive indigenous peoples of South America, enabling him to stay in touch with Pachamama?

That mystery object.

No, in fact the truth is (probably) rather different. When the St Gallen Mafia arranged for Jorge Bergoglio to become Pope, they also constructed an android, which was programmed with all the knowledge and experience of that great cardinal. Bergoglio himself had said many times that he did not wish to be Pope, so, when the white smoke emerged, they hurriedly dressed the android in papal robes and pushed it out onto the balcony of St Peter's. The mystery object is an electronic component that is not usually visible.

At first, the android performed reasonably well. However, gradually some electronic faults began to develop - writing Amoris Laetitia caused the circuitry to overheat; more problems were seen when the android was placed in an aeroplane, and the plane's electronic components caused it to produce random teachings; desperate attempts by Baldisseri and his fellow-engineers to rewire the Pope simply led to more errors.

A hitherto unpublished picture of Pope Francis.

In the last week or two, more degradation of performance has been noted. The Martini 2.0 filter that was fitted has started to malfunction; the Sign of the Cross relays are getting rusty; there is an overloading of the Pachamama diodes; the Catholicism over-ride has stopped working; and the infallibility chip is in danger of catching fire.

Quick - can someone reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, before it is too late?