Prayer 2: Who do I pray to?

Our mini-series on prayer continues. More correctly, the title of this piece should be "To whom do I pray?" and if you didn't spot that you may be the sort of person who says ungrammatical prayers. Be warned.

The first thing to note is that not all prayers are uttered to God, or even to the saints. For example, if Giles Fraser comes on Thought for the Day, telling us what Christ thought about Greek debt, the reaction of millions is to shout at the radio: "Shut up, you clown! Just shut up!" This is clearly a prayer addressed to Giles himself.

Our Fraser, who art always on Radio 4...

Then again, if your car breaks down, you may well pray to it. "Come on! What's wrong with you?" Frankly, this sort of prayer is less likely to work, and your car would benefit from a proper (and not necessarily religious) service.

Right! I warned you!

But let's consider prayers issued in more conventional circumstances. Obviously, some prayers are directed to God, as they should be. "Our Father!" etc. No problem. But then, at least in the Catholic tradition, some are addressed to other members of the congregation: "I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters..." Or, in the Protestant traditions too, "The Lord be with you," then "And also with you" or "And with your spirit". Is this a prayer to God, or just talking about God behind His back?

"It's 'Ite, missa est' from me." ... "And also from him."

Then we come to the vexed question of praying to saints. Catholics like to recite the Hail Mary, pray to guardian angels, and talk to saints. The idea is that these guys may intercede with God, or even perform miracles through delegated divine power. Protestants aren't always too keen on this idea, of course. Brother Bosco of the Calvary Chapel would condemn it all as idolatry, worshipping graven images, etc.

Today being St Blaise's day, this may be a good time to pray for healing of injuries and afflictions of the throat. Luckily, St Blaise is a saint, for a lesser being might say "Look, you've all ignored me for 364 days of the year. Why does everyone have to pester me today?"

A challenge for St Blaise: a giraffe with laryngitis.

Well, one final remark. It may well be OK to pray to saints. However, the next stage of familiarity - holding a séance and summoning them to a darkened room where a load of slightly tipsy dinner-party guests are sitting at a round table holding hands - is OUT. St Blaise may be willing to help with sore throats, but he prefers to remain at a distance, and you will NOT get a better service if you invite him into your home.

"I don't usually do home visits."

So in the next instalment we'll consider what you should say to your chosen prayee.

A song of multi-parent families

The story of the grey mère and the GM child.

Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce, lend me your young wife.
All along, down along, out along lea.
For I want to cre-ate a new human life,
With Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

On the way to the clinic.

But who will the poor kid call "Mother" and "Dad"?
All along, down along, out along lea.
This daft situation will drive the kid mad
Like Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

Thus Tom's wife was paid for the loan of her womb.
All along, down along, out along lea.
Since for Christian morality there is no room
Say Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

But this isn't the end o' this shocking affair.
All along, down along, out along lea.
And we really should utter a desperate prayer
For Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney,
Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all,
Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

A more traditional two-father no-mother family.

God denounces Stephen Fry

In an unprecedented appearance on an Irish television programme, God the Father Almighty has described the "entertainer" Stephen Fry as "utterly evil, capricious and monstrous".

"I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE HIM," said God, "BUT HE IS SUCH A LOATHSOME TOAD THAT ONLY AN OMNIPOTENT BEING SUCH AS I COULD MAKE A REALISTIC JOB OF IT."

Smug, about to be killed by Smaug (disappointingly, this didn't really happen).

Stephen Fry, of course, has recently developed an interest in theology, possibly because his young "husband" is currently taking Religious Studies as one of his GCSEs. As such, he has discovered for the first time the Problem of Pain, that there is suffering in the World. Apparently, theologians throughout the ages never noticed this before, and it took a mega-brained actor to point it out to them.

"We know what's wrong with you, but only Stephen Fry can explain why."

Meanwhile, God had another comment to make. "SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HIS 'QI' PROGRAMME IS SOME SORT OF PARADISE. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE AN ETERNITY OF LISTENING TO FRY MAKING SMUG REMARKS TO A SYCOPHANTIC AUDIENCE? I'D RATHER GO TO THE OTHER PLACE - RTE TELEVISION."

Delivering the message of a not-very-good Fry Day.

In conclusion, God remarked. YES, TV CAN BE VERY WONDERFUL, BUT IT CONTAINS INSECTS WHOSE WHOLE PURPOSE IS TO BURROW INTO PEOPLE'S BRAINS AND DRIVE THEM MAD: THE BRIGSTOCKE, THE BRAND (ANY BRAND), THE GERVAIS... YES, AND THE FRY. THE MOMENT YOU BANISH THEM, LIFE BECOMES SIMPLER, PURER, CLEANER AND MORE WORTH LIVING."

He's right, you know.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 21

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. At this time, Richard was leading the fight against the Mohammedites.

2. And he asked the world, "Would it not be a good idea to beam erotic videos to theocracies?"

3. For he wished to shower the lands of Persia, Mesopotamia and Assyria with gentle woman-respecting eroticism, that they might change their ways and follow the path of atheism.

Gentle woman-respecting eroticism.

4. And the unenlightened folk mocked him, saying, "Oh, has he escaped again?" and "Why not send them sausages and bottles of gin, while you're at it?"

5. But Richard knew that he was right, and that the only way to convert the eastern lands was to show them forbidden flesh, such as the uncovered head of a woman.

6. For was it not the case that the warrior John, he whom they called Jihad, would have been able to serve the world as a humble stockbroker, had he been able to indulge in carnal delights involving another consenting adult?

A steamy scene from "Confessions of a Zoology Professor".

7. And many women came unto Richard, saying, "O Richard, let me star in an erotic video with you, but let it be gentle and woman-respecting!"

8. Thus, while he was considering their offers, Richard was elected "Clown of the Internet".

9. Indeed, he had reduced so many people to mirth, that he was given the ROFL prize and the LOL Award. After which he abandoned his plan to bring gentle woman-respecting eroticism to the Mohammedites.

LOL Award.

10. At that time there dwelt in Buxton a man called Dan Rhodes.

11. And this man wrote a story of Richard: his book was called When the Professor Got Stuck in the Snow.

12. Yet, there was no limit to the cruelty of Dan, for he mocked the learned professor, portraying him as arrogant and pompous. Thus there were those who said "Surely this Dan is simply telling it as it is?"

13. On the other hand, there were those who said "This is the biggest nonsense since The God Delusion."

Cruel words from Dan Rhodes.

14. Indeed, Dan showed none of the respect and deference that shineth through The book of St Richard, which ye are now reading.

15. Yet it was known that Richard was a defender of free speech (or even the speech that is paid for), and he did not hesitate to mock Christians, Muslims, or indeed anyone who disagreed with him.

16. So Dan spake unto Richard saying "Wilt thou permit me to publish this book, even though it maketh of you a stock that laughs? For my publishers are men whose nerves are made of spaghetti."

A laughing Stock.

17. But Richard replied not. So that men spake unto each other saying "Lo! He mocketh others, yet he suffereth not himself to be mocked."

18. And therefore they mocked Richard still more.

Continued in Chapter 22.

---

The book of St Richard started here.

Saint of the Week - St Libby

St Libidina ("Libby") Lane of Stockport was a twenty-first century Anglican saint, known for bringing Christianity to the sexist, misogynist, pagan lands of Stockport.

St Libidina of Stockport.

Such was her piety that St Libby was described by the legendary Archbishop Sentamu (a man of such exalted station that he was outranked only by Archbishop Welby, Queen Elizabeth II and God - and even then, only just) as "following in the footsteps of St Margaret Clitherow."

"Actually, I meant to say Jimmy Clitheroe, but nobody noticed."

St Margaret Clitherow was a Catholic Saint who was martyred in 1586 by being crushed with rocks (this was in the reign of Good Queen Bess, and was part of her policy of "tolerance towards Catholics"). St Libidina, on the other hand, suffered far greater woes, as she saw a succession of useless no-hopers appointed to the job of bishop - this is also a Catholic tradition - while she was sent out to make the tea and do the washing-up. Was she never to wear the coveted hat of a bishop?

St Margaret Clitherow - her martyrdom was considered a "luxury" by Yorkshiremen.

Of course traditions in the two churches do differ. The Catholics are forced to follow in the sexist footsteps of Jesus Christ, a man who never said anything significant about equality and diversity, women's issues, or the right to wear Babylonian fish hats. The Anglicans, on the other hand, take their lead from Henry VIII, a man who married six times and fully knew how to give a girl a good time (at least for a while).

The latest in bishop's mitres.

The day of St Libidina's fast-track consecration/ ordination/ promotion/ redeployment to an executive role in Anglico was itself full of drama. As the Archbishop read out the traditional words "Does any sexist mail chauvinist pig know any just cause or impediment why this girl may not be given a key to the bishops' washroom?" there came a cry of "Put a sock in it, Sentamu!" Nonetheless, a miracle occurred, and Archbishop Sentamu managed to achieve something that Christ Himself would never have dared to do. Yes, St Libidina had made it to the Board of Directors!

How to pray 1: Posture

Today we begin a mini-series on prayer, in which we try and sort out questions such as: What posture do I adopt? Who am I praying to? What should I say? and so on. We begin with posture.

The classical "praying mantis" position.

There are three commonly-adopted postures - kneeling, sitting or standing - but there may be circumstances in which you have little choice. If you are confined to bed (or even merely in a wheelchair), you must make the best of the situation. If you are driving a car, and feel a prayer coming on, then you will probably lose control of the car should you decide to kneel down or stand up. In this case, prayers were probably appropriate.

If your plane is coming into land, make your prayers while seated with your belt fastened.

Brace! Brace! Oh, and say your prayers.

In church, the traditional posture for prayer is "meekly kneeling on your knees". In modern churches this is not always possible: there is often not enough space in which to do this, and the comfy cushions have been removed. Well, everyone knows the expression "It's as difficult as finding a kneeler or a hassock." [Pun. Not a very good one, sorry.]

This is where all the hassocks ended up.

"At the name of Jesus, every knee shall bow." Well, so we thought, but nowadays - at least in Catholic churches - the modern thing is to stand up instead. Or, if we're being really lazy, "We'll remain seated for some prayers."

Traditionalists, of course, will kneel even if there is no hassock. Some will even bring broken glass with them, to make the experience more uncomfortable, and to mortify the flesh. Monks and nuns kneel on cold stone floors - well, they used to, certainly.

Prayer while levitating. Comfortable, but difficult.

Of course, prayer does not simply involve saying words - whether made up on the spot or already written down (this will be discussed in a future instalment); one may count hymn-singing and liturgical dancing (oh dear) as forms of prayer. In that case, the correct posture should still be reverent.

This is not the correct posture for prayer.

No, on balance, kneeling is more respectful than standing, standing is more respectful than sitting, and cavorting around like something from a circus is worst of all. But who am I to judge?

A cartwheeling priest in Westminster Abbey. A prayer of thanksgiving.

For prayer you should probably close your eyes (unless you are driving a car, doing a liturgical cartwheel, reading the prayers, etc.) It is considered rude to stare at your neighbours, although everyone seems to do it. Er, so they say. How would I know that?

You can clasp your hands together in various holy-looking ways (DON'T put them in your pockets). In Evangelical churches it is usual to wave them in the air so that God will notice you more easily.

Finally: how to pray in an ecumenical service.

Mummy, today we played lesbians!

Over now to Dothekids Hall, a school awarded the highest marks in an Ofsted inspection, unlike that nasty Grindon Hall Christian School, which was apparently punished because its 10-year-old kids didn't know about lesbian sex.

Little Nicky Morgan, 10, is coming home to her devoted parents. These happen to be a man and a woman, so she is already branded as a reactionary bigot. Why couldn't she have two men as her parents, with a surrogate mother that she never knew? That's the modern way to breed!

Ofsted-approved lesbian priestesses.

Nicky dear, what did you do at school today?

We played lesbians, Mummy, and then I lent some of my clothes to little Johnnie - I mean Jeanie - Nash, so that we could play transgendered awareness games.

That sounds lovely, darling! Did your teacher like the homework you'd done? That essay on "Magnetic Attraction"?

No, Mummy, I got it all wrong. She didn't want me to improve on Hawking's work by rewriting Einstein's field equations in order to derive a new Theory of Everything, uniting quantum theory with relativistic electrodynamics. She wanted me to write a story about the sex life of three lesbians in a loving multi-person marriage.

Can I tell you about my Theory of Everything?

Well, never mind, dear. How about the Translation exercise you were going to do in class? Before Ofsted turned up you were translating Goethe's Faust into perfect Latin hexameters, weren't you?

That's changed too, Mummy. It's "Transition" not "Translation". She got us to give hormone injections and surgery to Wilshaw, the School Dog, so that she's now become a girl dog and not a boy dog. It was very interesting and useful. Can I try it on Harry the Hamster?

A nervous moment for Harry the Hamster.

No, I don't think so, dearest. Do tell me, though, didn't the Bishop visit today? Did you manage to go to Confession with him?

Oh Mummy, you're so old-fashioned! We call it "Reconciliation" now, and dress up as witches! Ofsted told us to.

An Ofsted-approved Mass.

He was the People's Despot

So there we are then. The grim reaper has come for King Abdullah ibn Abdilaziz Al Saud of Saudi Arabia (if he had been called Al Fred, then the country would be Fredi Arabia, of course).

At this time it is only right to call on Tony Blair to lead the tributes, and he has not let us down. "He was loved by his people and will be deeply missed." Somehow Tony forgot the bit about the People's Despot, but maybe that will come later. Elton John's "Candle in the Sand" is also due, once his tribute to Charlie Hebdo is complete.

Tony, I'm taking you to the Royal Floggerdrome this evening!

Meanwhile, Westminster Abbey flies its flag at half-mast in memory of this great champion of Christian virtues: faith, hope, love, with a bit of flogging, stoning, and decapitation on the side. For this tribute we must thank the Dean, the Very Reverend John Hall. As for Canon Jane Sinclair, Canon Steward of the Abbey, well, she can get back in the kitchen and shut up, if she doesn't want a good flogging! Women!!

The abbey is a "Royal Peculiar", and this is one of its more peculiar days.

King Abdullah is mourned by his 14 wives and 18 children. Already it is being said that what finished him off was being described as a "rabbit" by Pope Francis. His half-brother Salman has taken over, and has promised to continue the rapid march towards democracy, provided that he doesn't have to cut down on the flogging, stoning, and decapitation.

King Salman ibn Abdilaziz Al Saud (memo: check this).

A hymn I particularly like is "Hail to the Lord's Anointed," with words by James Montgomery. We don't often sing this verse, although it is excellent theology:

Arabia's desert ranger to Him shall bow the knee;
The Ethiopian stranger His glory come to see;
With offerings of devotion ships from the isles shall meet,
To pour the wealth of oceans in tribute at His feet.

Anyway, assuming that the words are accurate, King Abdullah had better hope that his arthritis isn't playing up now, as he has some emergency knee-bowing to get on with.

Louise Mensch is less than "deeply saddened".

Actually, I don't think I can stand any more of these tributes. If I see any more I'll send them to Private Eye. They have a Sauds' Corner, don't they?

Grieving Saudis mourn their king.

Offensive Page 3 to continue

After a few days in which it seemed that there would be no more offensive material on Page 3, the Tablet has indicated that it is reverting to its traditional layout. "If you did not have a Page 3 in last week's issue, then it was probably a printer's error," said a spokesman.

Catherine Pepinster interviews "Rhino", the last surviving Marx brother.

Page 3 of the Tablet has long come in for criticism by Catholics for its offensive nature, as indeed have most of the other pages. We remember that even the cryptic crossword was considered nasty. Clues such as:

1. Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8) (Answer: Benedict), and
2. They mix no metaphor where the world's leading Catholic Professor is based! (10) (Answer: Roehampton) caused distress to many.

Curiously, there is still a wine column by N. O'Phile: is this still written by the great Kieran Conry? Well, why not?

Wine, women and song!

So what will we continue to see on Page 3 of your soaraway Pill? Well, probably more turgid drivel from the likes of Catherine Pepinster, Elena Curti, Tina Beattie, Christopher Lamb, Timothy Radcliffe, etc. However, they have been persuaded to keep their clothes on.

Indeed, we are unlikely to see any Page 3 lovelies in the Tablet. So no topless photos of Voluptuous Vera from Leeds (77), a keen ACTA member and admirer of Bishop Stock. Thank goodness.

Voluptuous Vera.

For those readers who wish to write their own Tablet articles, the way ahead is as follows:

1. Take a random comment by Pope Francis. This is easy as most of his comments are pretty random. But, for example, take his comment on women priests: "The Church has spoken and says no - that door is closed."

There are two doors to women's ordination at the rear of the plane...

2. Present this in Tabletese. Here is a suggestion:

IS FRANCIS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO WOMEN'S ORDINATION?

Pope Francis has indicated that only one flimsy obstacle remains in the issue of Equal Ordination in the Catholic Church. Speaking to reporters, the Pope made a coded reference to Jesus's "Knock and it will be opened unto you" when he said that the door was closed to women's ordination. It is clear that the Holy Father is now as anxious as we are to ordain women to the priesthood, or indeed to let any woman who wishes ordain herself.

3. Send it to Catherine Pepinster and wait for a fat cheque.

"This must be OK. The Tablet said so."

Je suis Capet

Today, January 21st, is the anniversary of the murder in 1793 of Louis Auguste de France, King Louis XVI, known to his enemies as Citoyen Louis Capet. Curiously, the poor man had not been drawing cartoons of Mohammed, and was not killed by Islamic terrorists. Possibly, he had been sketching Robespierre, and in any case it was the secular state that bears responsibility for his death. That basically means the chaps who are in power now.

Louis XVI.

I tried to contact President "Flanby" Hollande via his Twitter account @fhollande, to ask him for details of today's "Je suis Capet" march in memory of his dead king, but he did not reply. Probably, he was out on his motorbike, chasing some morceau sur le côté as the French so poetically put it. If he comes back to me on this, I'll let you know.

"Je suis Louis. Vous êtes Marie Antoinette, si vous voulez."

Ah yes, his widow, Marie Antoinette, who was killed 9 months later. Her son, Louis XVII of France, was murdered two years later, at the age of ten. This, the French assure us, is called Liberté, égalité, fraternité, and therefore a GOOD THING. Mind you, they have a national anthem which is all about filling up ditches with impure blood, so what do they know?

Marie Antoinette probably never said "Let them eat cake," or even "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche." I suspect that what the good lady preferred was Eccles cakes. Can it be any coincidence that James Birch's shop on the corner of Vicarage Road in Eccles began selling small, flat, raisin-filled cakes in 1793, the same year that Louis and Marie-Antoinette were killed? I rest my cake, er, case.

Waiting for an Eccles cake!

Back to Louis XVI. He was a good Catholic, and was described as a martyr by Pope Pius VI. Perhaps he should be canonized, but this seems unlikely to happen now. Unless Pope Francis takes another aeroplane trip and slips in an off-the-cuff canonization: yes, that could easily happen. You read it here first.

J.S. Capet Eccles.

Pope declares war on rabbits

In his latest ex Cathedra, or more precisely, ex Carro Volante statement, Pope Francis has come out firmly against rabbits, as he declared that "Catholics do not need to breed like rabbits."

This is how rabbits breed.

Apparently, too many Catholics have been breeding as in the picture above: the male Catholic retreats to a "hutch" or "shed", and is visited by the female Catholic. A mere eight weeks later, she makes a "nest" out of hay, and presents the happy father with four to six baby Catholics. Such behaviour, although hitherto common amongst the faithful, is nowadays considered eccentric, and Catholics are now urged to breed in the same way as people of other religions and none.

A distinguished biologist explains how rabbits breed.

When the Holy Father made his speech, there was at first some confusion, as several commentators misheard him, and thought that he said "do not breed like rabbis." These words would have been unfortunate at a time when relations between the Jews and the Catholics are very friendly: neither party can stand the Muslims.

Annibale Bugnini.

Only one famous Catholic in recent history has actually been a rabbit, namely, Annibale Bugnini (shown above), whose reforms of the liturgy included replacing the famous Gregorian chant Quid agatur, medice? by the less elegant "What's up, Doc?" (arr. Inwood). The pope's commination of the Leporidae may be seen as a rejection of Bugnini's changes. Well, we hope so.

A rabbit writes: This is just the latest in a series of gaffes by Pope Francis. Last week, he was encouraging us to punch his mother, and this week he is making racist accusations against rabbits. Does he not know that many rabbits lead chaste, celibate lives, and do not breed at all? Yours, Disgusted of Wonderland.

Disgusted of Wonderland.

Hilary Mantel - not the villain that everyone thought?

A new BBC television drama Wife Hil tells the story of the Elizabethan woman Dame Hilary Mantel. History has not treated her kindly and she is regarded by some Catholics as a cruel and unpleasant woman who chose to persecute them. Most people remember her words that the Catholic Church "is not an institution for respectable people," and many faithful Catholics were severely traumatised when they discovered that Dame Hilary did not regard them with respect.

"Dame Hilary doesn't respect me. How can I live this down?"

One firm supporter of Hilary Mantel is Tommy Cromwell, the author of Wife Hil. "You have to realise that Dame Hilary held views that were very common amongst twenty-first century intellectuals," he explains. "For example, her confession that she fantasized about the murdering of Margaret Thatcher was perfectly normal amongst lefties of the time; likewise her description of the future Queen Catherine as 'a shop window mannequin', although it could be seen as unpleasantly personal bullying, merely indicated that she did not feel that the princess lived up to her own standards of beauty and elegance."

The beautiful Dame Hilary. When you pulled her nose, her eyes rotated in opposite directions.

The public is avidly waiting for future instalments of Tommy Cromwell's Wife Hil saga in order to discover the ultimate fate of Dame Hilary. Like her, Tommy was born a Catholic but later turned to the dark side, so he has a unique insight into the psychological problems this may cause. One possible version of the story says that Dame Hilary was unable to survive in a position of power after making enemies of the Church, the Crown, and the Government. It is not clear whether the final outcome was her execution for treason and heresy on Tower Hill.

Tommy Cromwell, the prize-winning writer.