The Tablet seeks a new editor

Yes, 2016 has proved a truly grim year. We lost Mother Angelica, Andrew Sachs, David Bowie, Terry Wogan (fill in your own names here), and now Catherine Pepinster is leaving the Tablet, or Bitter Pill as it is known to many Catholics. It will be hard to fill the shoes of the woman who brought you top-quality theology from the likes of Hans Küng, Tony Flannery and James Martin!

Mrs Pepinster interviews the last surviving Marx brother for the showbusiness page.

Over now to the Tablet offices, where they are in the process of choosing a successor.

Right, the first application is from Damian Thompson of the Spectator and Catholic Herald. He's promising us some hard-hitting Catholic journalism (all gasp), as well as in-depth analysis of the likely front-runners for the next papacy. Is Cardinal Sarah ruled out because of his bad hair? Is there any cardinal apart from Dolan who really understands custard? Burning questions, I'm sure you'll agree.

Also, which pope had the worst drink problem? Plus a stable of new writers such as Cristina Odone, Dan Hodges and Mary Riddell. No, we really can't accept that.

Who's next? Ah yes, Thomas Rosica of the Salt and Vinegar Corporation. He's a Basilian (of the St Basil of Fawlty branch). He says he has this wonderful plan to reduce the subscription to zero by blocking all the subscribers he doesn't like. No, I don't think that would work.

A keen Tablet reader looks in vain for something Catholic.

Then there's someone who describes himself as "Father Z". He reckons we can obtain sponsorship from the Numinous Nun Coffee Company, and says he should be able to hit the "target readership" from 100 paces. Also, he plans to publish the newspaper in Latin. Well, we'll keep him on our list for the moment.

You know... this isn't really getting us anywhere. Did someone put "Catholic" in the job advert by mistake? For the last 12 years we've been trying to rebrand ourselves as a clone of the Guardian, and now they want to take us back to the bad old days. Does Amoris Laetitia mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?*

*Old Tony Hancock joke, adapted.

Oh, hang it. Give the job to Tina. She'll make sure the magazine stays firmly in the 1970s.

---

Personally I'm finding the Tablet Advent Calendar a little disappointing.

Offensive Page 3 to continue

After a few days in which it seemed that there would be no more offensive material on Page 3, the Tablet has indicated that it is reverting to its traditional layout. "If you did not have a Page 3 in last week's issue, then it was probably a printer's error," said a spokesman.

Catherine Pepinster interviews "Rhino", the last surviving Marx brother.

Page 3 of the Tablet has long come in for criticism by Catholics for its offensive nature, as indeed have most of the other pages. We remember that even the cryptic crossword was considered nasty. Clues such as:

1. Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8) (Answer: Benedict), and
2. They mix no metaphor where the world's leading Catholic Professor is based! (10) (Answer: Roehampton) caused distress to many.

Curiously, there is still a wine column by N. O'Phile: is this still written by the great Kieran Conry? Well, why not?

Wine, women and song!

So what will we continue to see on Page 3 of your soaraway Pill? Well, probably more turgid drivel from the likes of Catherine Pepinster, Elena Curti, Tina Beattie, Christopher Lamb, Timothy Radcliffe, etc. However, they have been persuaded to keep their clothes on.

Indeed, we are unlikely to see any Page 3 lovelies in the Tablet. So no topless photos of Voluptuous Vera from Leeds (77), a keen ACTA member and admirer of Bishop Stock. Thank goodness.

Voluptuous Vera.

For those readers who wish to write their own Tablet articles, the way ahead is as follows:

1. Take a random comment by Pope Francis. This is easy as most of his comments are pretty random. But, for example, take his comment on women priests: "The Church has spoken and says no - that door is closed."

There are two doors to women's ordination at the rear of the plane...

2. Present this in Tabletese. Here is a suggestion:

IS FRANCIS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO WOMEN'S ORDINATION?

Pope Francis has indicated that only one flimsy obstacle remains in the issue of Equal Ordination in the Catholic Church. Speaking to reporters, the Pope made a coded reference to Jesus's "Knock and it will be opened unto you" when he said that the door was closed to women's ordination. It is clear that the Holy Father is now as anxious as we are to ordain women to the priesthood, or indeed to let any woman who wishes ordain herself.

3. Send it to Catherine Pepinster and wait for a fat cheque.

"This must be OK. The Tablet said so."

Anti-Catholic magazine sells 3 million copies

Thanks to a brilliant marketing coup, the anti-Catholic magazine The Tablet, edited by Catherine Pepinster, went on sale this week under the name Cathy's Tablo, and promptly sold three million copies to people who had confused it with the rival magazine Charlie Hebdo.

Cathy's Tablo (top shelf only).

Said one shocked customer, a Cardinal V.N. of London. "As someone who wouldn't dream of offending the prevailing secular consensus, I have been supporting the Je suis Charlie campaign this week, and so naturally I wanted to buy a copy of the Charlie Hebdo magazine. Because of its content it is sold on the top shelf of the newsagents, and I must inadvertently have picked up the adjacent and very similar Cathy's Tablo by mistake. Imagine my shock! I was expecting some nasty and unfunny cartoons mocking Mohammed, Jesus, the Trinity, etc. What I found instead was some nasty and unfunny writing, mocking the Christian teaching that is so dear to my heart. Who on earth thought that Hans Küng, Tina Beattie and Tony Flannery belonged in a Catholic paper?"

A Tablo contributor. Admit it, you just shuddered, didn't you?

It was reported that the "Je suis Cathy" campaign was now taking off, and that a second demonstration would be held in Paris this coming Sunday, to be led by François Hollande, Angela Merkel, David Cameron, Kim Jong Un, Robert Mugabe, Raúl Castro and Xi Jinping. People who are not famous are asked to attend a separate "plebs only" demonstration, so that they do not accidentally appear in the celebrities' selfies.

French police accidentally treat "Je suis Charlie" as a normal demonstration.

Meanwhile, in other news, the Nigerian President has sent a message of support to "Je suis Charlie", regretting that he was unable to take part in the photo-call march, since there was the little matter of 2,000 of his people just having been massacred by Boko Haram. Since these were just Nigerian peasants, rather than European intellectuals, he realised that his own massacre was relatively insignificant, but he felt that he should at least stay around to keep an eye on things. However, he signed the letter of apology with the words "Goodluck Jonathan", to show his support.

"Oh, why did my parents christen me 'Goodluck'?"

Call my Bluff!

For each word below we have three definitions. Which is the correct one?

Choudary

Looking forward to a bowl of choudary!

1. A choudary is a strongly flavoured soup made of pork. Seen in expressions such as That disgusting choudary has made me feel a little sick.

2. No, "choudary" is a Shakespearean form of "cowardly". See for example, Henry V: Go, go; you are a counterfeit choudary knave!

3. In fact, a choudary is a a cricket stroke that goes badly astray. The word is a corruption of the surname of the late Colin Cowdrey, an England cricket captain. For example: That was a pathetic choudary! Mr grandmother could have done better with a stick of rhubarb! (© Geoffrey Boycott)

A choudary.

Bergoglio

1. Clearly, it's a variation on "imbroglio". After the fiasco of the Extraordinary Synod on the Family, the situation in the Church has become a real bergoglio!

2. Nonsense, it's an Argentine dance, similar to the tango. I'm really looking forward to the next Mass: we're performing a liturgical bergoglio in honour of the bishop!

Time to begin the bergoglio!

3. Actually, it's a very humble peasant dish, something like a stew. The Holy Father came to the canteen today, and ate a simple dish of llama bergoglio!

Pepinster

1. It means a stern governess, of unimpeachable moral character but few religious convictions. The word is a portmanteau of (Mary) "Poppins" and "spinster". "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the Bitter Pill go down!" sang the pepinster.

Mary Pepinster.

2. As you knew all along, it's a very hot spice, something like pepper. Ye are the pepinster of the Earth, and I'm sick of the lot of you! (from the apocryphal Gospel of St Catherine)

3. Obviously, it's a specialised term for someone who controls the puppets in a religious service. The word is a corruption of "puppet minister". The pepinster overslept this morning, so we had to celebrate Mass without using the Teletubby dolls.

Attack the Curia the Pope Francis way!

In an attack on the Vatican's bureaucrats this morning (warning, it's a link to the Tablet), Pope Francis listed 15 disorders that he said had infected the Curia, from "spiritual Alzheimer's" to joylessness and "existential schizophrenia".

"You're all afflicted with anagogical head lice!"

Now you too can attack the Curia the Pope Francis way! Choose one from each of Sections A and B below, and Voilà!

Section A

Spiritual
Existential
Philosophical
Numinous
Mystic
Conceptual
Transcendent
Ecclesiastical
Devotional
Asomatous
Sacred
Empirical
Sanctified
Metaphysical
Transmundane
Ineffable
Paranormal
Hermeneutic

"Give it straight to me, Doctor! Have I got gnostic housemaid's knee?"

Section B

Measles
Mumps
Alzheimer's
Schizophrenia
Kleptomania
Dyslexia
Rabies
Lumbago
Boils on the backside
Ingrowing toenails
St Vitus' Dance
Dreaded Lurgi
Hypochondria
Black Death
Space sickness
Lazar's Disease
Clone-Killing Nanovirus
Dragon Pox

A cardinal is rushed to hospital with seraphic laryngitis.

Now, you can talk learnedly at dinner parties about the problems of the Roman Curia. For example, "Mrs Pepinster, I've always said that the Roman Curia was afflicted by Numinous Ingrowing Toenails. How wonderful that Pope Francis is there to sort out the problem!"

Hallowe'en for Catholics

We asked some leading Catholics to comment on the question: should Catholics celebrate Hallowe'en, and if so, how?

This sort of "saved" pumpkin is seen in many houses at this time. (H/T @fortyhigh)

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal.

Unlike in the Vatican, the USA, France, Spain, ... indeed like most of the rest of the world, we have told the English and Welsh Catholics to celebrate All Saints on November 2nd this year - either that or use the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. This is because I am a keen football fan, and nothing is going to spoil my enjoyment of the Newcastle-Liverpool match tomorrow (unless Liverpool loses, which they probably will).

So my Hallowe'en activities will kick off on Saturday night. Some people have said that dressing up as devils and demons is inappropriate for Catholic bishops, but I feel we should value the demonic lifestyle, as it has a lot of good in it. However, I plan to do something different this year: I shall wear a Kieran Conry mask and scare all the ladies!

A recent ecumenical trick-or-treat from Vin and Rowan. Note the pathetic attempt to do "devil horns" behind Rowan's head!

Damian Thompson, journalist.

I have my reputation as a blood-crazed ferret to keep up (© Church Times, 1971), and this year I am planning to dress up as a zombie and terrorize some of my enemies, starting with Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Austen Ivereigh, who are custard-hating liberals of the worst kind. Then I might just drop in at Blackfen and shout "Muahahahahaha!!!" through the letter-box of Fr Steven Fisher.

Damian Thompson in full zombie-costume.

Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Tablet.

We at the Tablet are very supportive of alternative forms of Catholicism, and many of our most loyal staff are witches, ghouls, ghosts, mummies, vampires, creepy things with wings, or gaunt and grisly spectres. I personally am going to knock on doors dressed as Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost; my friend Tina Beattie hasn't had time to get a special costume, so she will be going as a witch. I was hoping to give out free copies of the Tablet to people in the street, but the police advise me that this would be a public nuisance, and so we plan to hand out squishy things dripping with tomato ketchup instead.

Woooooo.... it's Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost!

The Apostle Judas Isconry resigns in shame

Jerusalem, AD 30

One of the country's twelve most senior clergy, Apostle Judas Isconry, today declared himself "relieved" that his secret was finally out. For months he had been "having a relation" with the chief priests, and in the end the fact that he had sold out for thirty pieces of silver became only too clear. After Jesus had been betrayed by Judas, He staged a surprise comeback, and promptly went to the Daily Mail (editor: St Matthew the Evangelist), which duly printed the whole story. However, Isconry insists that he is not resigning over his affair with the chief priests, but over an earlier relationship (believed to involve a man with horns and cloven hooves).

Bishop Isconry caught by a Daily Mail photographer.

Bishop Isconry has now resigned his position as apostle, and his future is very uncertain. Said his senior colleague, St Peter, "Who are we to judge? The bastard betrays Christ, thinks of nothing but his own personal desires, and has caused untold distress to the folk for whom he was supposed to be a spiritual father. Give him a break!"

The Bishop himself was at pains to stress that he had at no time shown hypocrisy by preaching against the world, the flesh and the Devil. Indeed, many people, hearing his words, had wondered whether he was really an apostle at all. Moreover, he did not encourage Confession, for if he'd gone to Confession himself, it would have given the whole game away.

The fruits of Bishop Isconry's ministry.

The big question now is "How much did the other apostles know?" Could the Apostle Cormac himself really not have known about Judas's double life? Was the "Protect the Messiah" blog suppressed by the Archangel Michael because its author persisted in revealing embarrassing truths? Why did St Damian the Spectator not bother to investigate when he heard rumours about Judas - was it because they were not yet officially confirmed by Twitter? Does St Catherine the Popehater really think that an adherence to traditional rules is at the root of the problem? Indeed, should apostles be allowed to take wives - other people's wives, that is? Well this is all very sordid, so let's finish with a charming picture of a saint.

St Kieran the contrite says "I like a wine with body..."

---

On an unrelated matter a reader, Mr Hilaire Belloc, writes:

Young Kieran was a naughty lad
Whose mischief made his parents sad:
For in Confession he would lie
And make up sins. The priest would sigh:
"Young lad, you say you've killed your aunt,
And eaten her - I cannot grant
You absolution for this sin:
Two hours ago, your aunt dropped in!
She showed no signs of being eaten."
The wicked lad was soundly beaten!

Sorry, ran out of ideas at this point. The plan was that he would become a bishop and get involved in an adulterous affair. But nobody would believe it, would they? H.B.

Pope Francis hears how well the English bishops are performing.

The five levels of threat to your spirituality

In these dangerous times, it is important to know what the chances are of an attack from the forces of darkness. There are five officially-recognised threat levels, and, just as the Beaufort scale may be used to estimate the wind speed, and the likely extent of damage, the following table can provide a similar warning, based on what you observe when you attend church.

The threatometer^TM.

Low threat - a sacred, devotional service; all music played is religious, rather than something from Paul Inwood; the sermon may have been stolen from a dusty 19th century anthology, but the anecdote about Cardinal Newman is spiritually nourishing; the emphasis is on God.

No sign of those 19th century Pusey riots.

Moderate threat - kiss of peace starts to get out of hand; "Shine, Jesus, shine" sung; children return from Bible class having drawn pictures of the Pope.

Well done, Maureen! Why not write a blog?

Substantial threat - guitars; liturgical dancing; guest sermon on "My holiday in Ecuador"; gospel replaced by readings from the Vatican II documents; copies of the Tablet sighted.

Threat level raised to "substantial".

Severe threat - clowns or puppets deployed; deacon tips ice bucket over his head; favourable mention made of of Hans Küng (or it may be Cardinal Martini).

Fr Bosco - a severe threat.

Critical threat - Tina Beattie wanders in; priest introduces his "husband"; charity collection for the Family Planning Association; a distinct smell of brimstone; you're in deep trouble.

There's something badly wrong here.

A guest post from Robert Mickens

Since I have just been suspended from my prestigious position as the Tablet's Rome correspondent, I am very grateful to my friend Eccles for allowing me to explain the circumstances on his lovely blog.

Formerly @robinrome, now @robinthedoghouse

As you will probably have read in numerous places, starting, I think with my pal Damian Thompson's blog, I got into trouble for referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "the Rat" and speculating about his death.

Mere friendly banter!

Benedict and I are old friends: when I saw him in Rome (this happens less frequently now, since he's stopped being God's Rome correspondent) I would say "Ooh look! It's the Rat!" and he would reply "Wer ist dieser Schweinehundheretischentabletistikendummkopf?" My German is nearly as bad as my Latin, but I gather that this is a term of endearment.

Benedict (Rat) also refers to me as "Mickens Mouse".

You may recall that Benedict used to tweet as @pontifex, and I remember the time he gave me a special mention:

@pontifex Dearly beloved, Laetare Sunday is a day on which we remember the words of Aquinas. P.S. Why isn't Mickens Mouse dead yet?

Anyway, you'll want to know what happened last week. Pope Francis - we at the Tablet haven't yet thought up an insulting nickname for him, as it's still possible that he may be on our side - made the appointment of Cardinal Methuselah, aged 113. Methuselah is a sprightly person for his age: he bungee jumps regularly, boxed 15 rounds with Guido Marini only last week, and plays prop forward for the Italian Rugby team.

Cardinal Methuselah: new blood in the Vatican.

Anyway, in a spirit of merry banter I joined my friend Chris Grady (who enjoys trolling) in speculating that Cardinal Methuselah would outlive Benedict. I didn't know what trouble I was getting myself into!

There came a telephone call from Catherine Popehater, the redoubtable editor of the Tablet. "You fool, Bobbie!" she said. "It is the Tablet's policy to attack Pope Benedict (and indeed all earlier popes) by subtle means, not outright insults. Now you've given the whole game away!"

I could see her point. If the Tablet falls from grace, what will be next? Will people suspect that ACTA is run by the KGB? Will there be whispers about whether Tina Beattie is really to be taken seriously when she claims to be a Catholic?

The answer: prayer and reflection.

So I have decided to go for a period of prayer and reflection, as recommended by nine out of ten bishops to bloggers who point out where the bodies are buried. It's going to be a tough day or two, but I'll be back soon - maybe even in time for the Rat's funeral (oops!)

The Pilgrim's Ogress 5: The Spy who Saved Me

Continued from Part 4.

Ian Fleming takes up the tale.

"Get 007 over here at once," said F to his secretary, Cardinal Munnipenni. "He's the only person who can deal with this crisis. Tell him to leave his aunt behind - I will brief him on his own."

A few days later, Eccles arrived in Rome, having been flown in from a secret mission somewhere in South London. Ignoring flirtatious glances from Munnipenni (they still had a few such problems in the Curia) he went straight into F's office. "The name's Eccles, Brother Eccles," he exclaimed.

Pope Francis (sitting) briefs Eccles.

"Bless you, 007," said F. "I'm afraid we're out of dry Martini - he died last year."

"So I heard," replied "Eccles. I was shaken but not stirred by what he had to say."

"Now, we're sending you back to England on a special mission. According to the Protect Me blog, there have been a number of disturbing incidents in your country. A sinister organization called ACTA is determined to destabilize the Catholic Church, and we'll need you to go undercover and infiltrate it."

Tipped to be the next "Bond girl".

"What will it involve, sir?" asked Eccles. "Any good-looking girls that I can collaborate with?"

"Probably not this time, Eccles," said his boss. "Most of the members seem to be over 70 years old. Now, to join ACTA you will need to sign its mission statement, all about how you are inspired by the Second Vatican Council, but - and this is the important thing - there is a mysterious supplementary paragraph to sign up to, as well. This is top secret, and we don't know what it contains. We want you to get hold of a copy of it - it could be dynamite!"

"How do I make contact with ACTA?" asked 007.

"We have sent three other agents already, but they've all disappeared mysteriously. Probably they were spotted as being our people, because they didn't know the passwords or the funny handshakes; or maybe they rolled up the wrong trouser-leg. You'll need to be careful, Eccles."

"Anything else you can tell me, sir?"

"Yes, there have been one or two other mysterious incidents, recently. We don't know if they are related. For example, a priest who was supposed to interpret Catholic teaching in sign language turned out to be producing total gibberish."

Warning: total gibberish.

"Ah yes, I heard about him, poor fellow. Was there anything else?"

"It's a long shot, but at Saatchi and Saatchi in London they have put a blasphemous representation of Mary and Joseph on display. We don't know whether there's a link to ACTA."

Not Joseph and Mary.

"I'll get back to England straight away," promised 007.

"Before you go, drop in on C. He'll issue you with some equipment for your mission."

"C" with Zuhlsdorf^TM "Mors Vobiscum" liturgical beretta.

007 said his goodbyes to F, and went to see the man they called "C" or "Cormac".

"Now, Eccles, listen carefully," said C. "You'll be going in disguised as a priest. What I am giving you looks like a mobile confessional, but it is programmed to recognise voice patterns. Once someone says the words 'Miser Peccator', the confessional is flooded with an evil gas, sending the sinner to sleep."

The booby-trapped Portofess.

Thanking C for his gift, although wondering how he would ever persuade ACTA members to admit that they might have sinned, Eccles made his way back to England and rejoined his aunt.

To be continued by another writer.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 2 - Dr E and the Tableks

Continued from Part 1.

The story so far: the pilgrim Eccles and his Auntie Moly, the ogress, have reached Hammersmith. Today's guest author, the late Terry Nation, takes over the story.

Catherine Pepinster and Elena Curti discuss the next issue of the Tablek.

Dr E and his assistant Mol had reached the Tablek fortress in Hammersmith, with its friendly sign outside: Tablek Headquarters - trespassers will be exterminated. "This may be dangerous," said the Doctor, and he suggested to Mol that she take refuge in the local pub, the Aged ACTAvist. Having introduced her to a large gin, Dr E returned to the fortress, used his sonic screwdriver to open the doors, and entered into a maze of narrow corridors. Was this where he would find the Tablek army, which was intent on domination of the Catholic Church, and even prepared to ally with the hated Küngs and Flanneries in order to achieve supreme power?

A pious Catholic is incensed by encountering a Tablek.

Dr E ducked into an alcove as two Tableks glided past in conversation: "POPE FRAN-CIS IS OUR SER-VANT. HE WILL CHANGE CATH-O-LIC TEACH-ING. WE DO NOT NEED TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE HIM YET." Was this true, or had the Tableks been fooled as a result of receiving a mass of confusing signals? The Tableks continued: "WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE? WE DO NOT JUDGE. WE EX-TER-MIN-ATE."

Through a window, the Doctor caught sight of a sinister figure in a mobile life-support chair. Could this really be that evil twisted genius who, some said, was the brain behind the Tableks?

Duffros, riding in his life-support chair.

Yes, it was indeed the dreaded Duffros, a man of undoubted brilliance but one of Dr E's deadliest enemies. The Doctor's courage was almost ready to give way, and he thought briefly of returning to the safety of his Traddis (a converted police-box in which traditional worship was held). But the decision was taken out of his hands. An important-looking Tablek had spotted him, and was approaching rapidly, with the harsh cry of "EVES-AD-VO-CATE! EVES-AD-VO-CATE!"

Dr E encounters Tina Beattie.

To be continued by another author.

Honecker College Students Union chooses its speakers

And now over to Honecker College, London, where the student union committee is going through the formal vetting procedure for its invited speakers.

Humphrey Stalin-Jones, president of the Students Union.

Tamara Gaddafi-Smith (save-the-sardine awareness officer and LBGTWTF rights): So we're inviting Abu Hamza, Rosemary West, Kim Jong Un and Ed Miliband. All good solid Guardian-readers apparently. I can't see us having much trouble with them!

Claud Pol Pot-Johnson (support loyal Myanmar, troops out of Norfolk, and feminist goats liaison): No problem there. Also, I think Gerry Adams, Peter Tatchell, Stuart Hall, and Bashar al-Assad could be invited. I can't see any difficulties there.

Philippa Trotsky-Brown (gay hamster support and eat the Royal Family campaign): Stuart Hall? A better choice than Jimmy Savile. He was a Catholic, you know. Also could we invite Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter and the Dark Lord Sauron?

I would be delighted to visit your college. What's for dinner?

Claud: I'm not sure of their addresses, but their CVs look fine. I'll try and contact them. So there's just one more name on the list?

Tamara: Yes, one Peter D.C.X. Williams of Catholic Voices. Well, we can't have him, he hasn't gone through the correct procedures.

Philippa: Ah yes, Rule 94: the candidate must renounce God and declare unconditional support for gay sex. But there's not much chance of that, the word "Catholic" is rather a giveaway. REFUSED.

What a terrifying person. No wonder he's banned.

Tamara: Funny you should say that, our next nominee is someone called Catherine Pepinster.

Omnes: No problem!