#AskCardinalDolan When are you going to stop Fr James Martin from preaching heresy, leading people into the ways of evil, and generally boring everyone to death with his homosexual obsessions?
Er... nothing to do with me... Jesuits... ask Sosa... ask the Pope... everyone is welcome... build bridges... strong ones for me please... next question please!
#AskCardinalDolan What was there to laugh about?
#AskCardinalDolan What is your favourite meal?
Well, advent is a time for restraint, some would say fasting, so this morning my breakfast consisted of a simple lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. With that inside me, I won't need to eat again until 11 o'clock. Moreover, Humble Pope Francis is encouraging us to share our meals with the homeless, so for lunch we'll be giving the scruffy lot a plate of Massimo Faggioli (beans) and a Coccopalmerio tart.
Lost in amazement.
#AskCardinalDolan Why don't you release the body of Fulton Sheen, so that canonization can proceed?
Well, it is a great money-spinner for St Patrick's cathedral to have our own celebrity in the crypt, you know. Also, we're not sure that Sheen is really the sort of saint that we want in the Nu-Francis Church. People like Sheen and Mother Angelica are the sort of dogmatic "We know the answers because Christ told us" people that simply don't fit in nowadays.
We prefer a charismatic gasbag like Bishop Robert Barron, who at least - if he can't remember the answer to a question - makes one up that he thinks people would like to hear. Apparently, everyone is saved, you know.
#AskCardinalDolan The Rockettes look very tasty. How do I get to dance with them?
Well, first go to seminary, and after a while they'll make you a cardinal, and you can then do whatever you like (except criticise the Pope of course!) Didn't John the Baptist dance with Salome? You can do likewise - but don't lose your head!
Dance, then, wherever you may be!
I must say this question-and-answer session is going very well. Maybe we have time for one final question for your "good shepherd" (me!)
#AskCardinalDolan Why are you always laughing like an idiot?
I find joy in everything - funerals, Church scandals, Lent, even Pope Francis's writhing on the hook on which Viganò caught him. But I always try to keep a solemn demeanour, as befits a prince of the Church.
That's all, folks!