The last eight saints

We have reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Uncrowned Saints, and because Elon Musk, in his wisdom, is changing the rules of Twitter polls, this may be the last one we run. It also has to be completed by Easter Saturday.

So - unless we can find a way round this - no more world cups of bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), bad cardinals (Cupich), ugly churches (St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan), instruments from Hell (vuvuzela) etc. etc.

So we'll use this post to record the results of the final rounds of the (last?) Twitter World Cup.

Pope Leo XIII 61.8 v Fulton Sheen 38.2

Leo takes it, surprisingly easily. Well, they are both very strong candidates, whatever Cardinal Dolan thinks.

G.K. Chesterton 51.8 v Karl I of Austria 48.2

The lead changed hands several times, but finally GKC won the contest. The vote was 52-48, but all requests for a second "people's vote" that might give a different answer will be rejected.

Pope Pius XII 58.9 v Pope Benedict XVI 41.1

Experience tells, as the old campaigner beats the newcomer in the Pope v Pope quarter-final.

Thomas à Kempis 51.4 v Marcel Lefebvre 48.6

A lot of SSPX fans voted in earlier rounds, but Tom managed to scrape through this time.

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Semi-finals (starting on Easter Sunday).

Pope Leo XIII 71.7 v Pope Pius XII 28.3

A "two popes" semi-final. Leo takes this, surprisingly easily, and declares himself "fighting fit" as the final approaches.

G.K. Chesterton 47.6 v Thomas à Kempis 52.4

A "two writers" semi-final. A close match, and Thomas heads for the final, leaving GKC to contest the bronze halo.

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Pope Pius XII 55.6 v G.K. Chesterton 44.4

Pius takes the bronze halo. John Cornwell bites his leg off in embarrassment.

FINAL

Pope Leo XIII 64.1 v Thomas à Kempis 35.9

A surprisingly easy win for Leo. Gold halo for him, and silver for Thomas.

No more old Catholics to be canonized

A decision has come down from the Vatican that only Catholics inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II will henceforth be eligible for canonization. "We let Newman through the gate, but that's the last one," said a spokesman. "From now on only modernists can become saints. The next one will probably be Cardinal Martini."

The first victim of this new rule is Archbishop Fulton Sheen, who was due to be beatified in a few weeks time, now that his body has been wrested from the pudgy grip of Cardinal Dolan. The USCCB have pointed out that it is almost unheard-of for an American bishop to have lived a life of purity and decency ("We've all got boyfriends," claimed one bishop), and so there must be something nasty in Sheen's history.

Fulton Sheen appears on "What's my line" and writes down his occupation.

Elizabeth the Scalier, also known as the Angriest, who has left Patheticos and now works for Bishop Barron's "Throw our words into the fire" empire, has come up with the suggestion that perhaps Sheen had some homosexual relations in his CV.

It is believed that in a few days time she will have come up with more imaginative speculations - possibly the existence of a beach house in which seminarians were abused. Obvuously, mere homosexual activity is not considered a bar to canonization these days, indeed in some Jesuit circles it is really a sine qua non.

No doubts about Cardinal Martini (a.k.a. Baal)!

Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.

Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!

#AskCardinalDolan

The great Cardinal Dolan has been inviting questions on Twitter with the hashtag #AskCardinalDolan. We are pleased to present some edited highlights.

#AskCardinalDolan When are you going to stop Fr James Martin from preaching heresy, leading people into the ways of evil, and generally boring everyone to death with his homosexual obsessions?

Er... nothing to do with me... Jesuits... ask Sosa... ask the Pope... everyone is welcome... build bridges... strong ones for me please... next question please!

#AskCardinalDolan What was there to laugh about?

Next!

#AskCardinalDolan What is your favourite meal?

Well, advent is a time for restraint, some would say fasting, so this morning my breakfast consisted of a simple lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. With that inside me, I won't need to eat again until 11 o'clock. Moreover, Humble Pope Francis is encouraging us to share our meals with the homeless, so for lunch we'll be giving the scruffy lot a plate of Massimo Faggioli (beans) and a Coccopalmerio tart.

Lost in amazement.

#AskCardinalDolan Why don't you release the body of Fulton Sheen, so that canonization can proceed?

Well, it is a great money-spinner for St Patrick's cathedral to have our own celebrity in the crypt, you know. Also, we're not sure that Sheen is really the sort of saint that we want in the Nu-Francis Church. People like Sheen and Mother Angelica are the sort of dogmatic "We know the answers because Christ told us" people that simply don't fit in nowadays.

We prefer a charismatic gasbag like Bishop Robert Barron, who at least - if he can't remember the answer to a question - makes one up that he thinks people would like to hear. Apparently, everyone is saved, you know.

#AskCardinalDolan The Rockettes look very tasty. How do I get to dance with them?

Well, first go to seminary, and after a while they'll make you a cardinal, and you can then do whatever you like (except criticise the Pope of course!) Didn't John the Baptist dance with Salome? You can do likewise - but don't lose your head!

Dance, then, wherever you may be!

I must say this question-and-answer session is going very well. Maybe we have time for one final question for your "good shepherd" (me!)

#AskCardinalDolan Why are you always laughing like an idiot?

I find joy in everything - funerals, Church scandals, Lent, even Pope Francis's writhing on the hook on which Viganò caught him. But I always try to keep a solemn demeanour, as befits a prince of the Church.

That's all, folks!

Cardinal Dolittle at the Pearly Gates

The date: about 2050. St Peter (at the Gates of Heaven) is reading some old posts from Eccles's blog. Enter the late Cardinal Timothy Dolittle of New York.

The Laughing Cardinal, by Franz Hals.

Dolittle: You must be St Peter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Peter: Ah, yes, Cardinal Dolittle. We've been expecting you.

Dolittle: Straight into Heaven, then? I hope you've got a good solid double portion of steak and fries waiting for me. I know what I expect from Heaven! Ha ha ha ha!

Peter: Actually, it's not quite as simple as that. For cardinals our usual procedure is that a committee of three saints will take a preliminary look at your case. Exit.

Enter Saints Fulton, Daniel and Patrick.

St Fulton Sheen discovers that laughter is infectious.

Fulton: Yes, well there are certain problems about admitting you to Heaven, Timothy my boy. I seem to remember you put your considerable weight against me about thirty-five years ago, when the Catholic Church was trying to canonize me. Some nonsense about whether my body could be moved. Hmmph, it wouldn't have needed a giant crane, unlike some people's bodies...

Holy Innocents Church, New York.

Daniel: Hi, Timmy! I was one of the Holy Innocents massacred by Herod.

Dolittle: Ha ha ha! You don't look as if you were under 2 years old.

Daniel: No, but nobody wants to spend eternity in diapers (nappies), so when we got up here they let us grow up. Now, Timmy, what's all this about your trying to close down our church in New York?

St Patrick sends the snakes off to work for the National Catholic Reporter.

Patrick: I'm afraid I'm also dissatisfied with your conduct, Timothy, my lad. If Irish people in New York want to celebrate my day with a parade, that's all well and good, to be sure it is. You should be there leading it - waddle, waddle, waddle. But why are you joining with the "gay pride" people in this event? Another failure on your part, Timothy. Ochone!

Re-enter St Peter.

Peter: Have you told him the bad news?

Dolittle (disconcerted): What, no automatic place in Heaven?

Peter: No, son, it'll be 999 years in Purgatory on a bread-and-water diet. Remember, that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for you to get through the gates of Heaven. A very tight squeeze...

He was certainly the life and soul of funerals.

Dolittle: Ha ha ha ha ha!

St Peter (whispers): Do you think we should tell him he'll be sharing a room with Cormac Murphy-O'Connor?

Sede Vacante

Conspiracy theorists are still arguing over the significance of the "vacant seat", marking the absence of Pope Francis from a concert last week. We asked some of our local bloggers if they could explain this.

Sede vacante.

Eccles: Apparently, the little girl sitting behind him had asked him to move, as his mitre was blocking her view. This happens to me in the cinema a lot: I'm sitting down to watch an exciting James Bond film and a bishop comes in and sits in front of me. Still, in some dioceses you're lucky if they even wear a dog-collar.

Ven. Fulton Sheen - hearts sank whenever he came into a theatre.

Father X, expert on cannon law: I'm told that Pope Francis took the evening off in order to practise his shooting. It's not widely known but he always packs a pistol whenever he celebrates Mass, just in case a Tablet journalist should walk in. And a good thing too.

Good shooting, Holy Father!

Father TF, hermeneutical expert: No, in fact Pope Francis spent the evening attaching corks to his papal mitre, in readiness for a forthcoming trip to Australia. He was envious of the corking biretta that my parishioners have made for me.

The Pope prepares to meet Cardinal Pell.

Catherine Pepinster, Tabletista: Pope Benedict XVI would have attended this concert, which featured music by the misogynist dead composer Beethoven - a shabby attempt to revive the sort of music which is totally against the Spirit of Vatican II. Pope Francis, when he discovered that there would be no music by living female composers - such as, er, Sandie Shaw, Lulu, Dusty Springfield and Cilla Black, who appeal to the younger generation - rightly boycotted the concert and spent the evening reading the last 50 issues of the Tablet, which we'd sent him.

Cilla Black, as modern and relevant as the Tablet.

Damian Thompson, custard expert: Sorry, I'm too cut up about the death of James Gandolfini, surely the most important overweight actor since Orson Welles. I must go and write three more blog posts on the subject. Surely his beatification cannot be far away?

A scene from The Sopranos.

The 2012 Tabloid Lecture

A longer and funnier version of the lecture appears here.

Catherine Popehater, Editor of the Tabloid comic (motto Ecclesia Contra Papam), was very pleased that Kaiser Wilhelm II agreed to give the 2012 Tabloid lecture. Last year, by mistake, we invited Vincent Nichols, who said that, on balance, he thought that poisoning the Pope was not the only possible answer to the problems facing the Catholic Church. This year, we have managed to find someone less conservative.

Robert Blair Kaiser.

These days, both wings of the Church are saying that the Second Vatican Council was a failure. I do not believe that this is true. For one thing, it allowed an obscure talentless journalist such as myself to make a career out of the Catholic Church's problems, just because I am a fluent Latin speaker.

I remember meeting Pope John XXIII just before the Council opened. "Hic, haec hoc!" I said to him, challengingly, and followed this up with "Mensa, mensa, mensam, mensae, mensae, mensa!" The Pope looked at me in a puzzled way, crossed himself, and moved on: it was at that moment that I knew I had influenced the Church in a way that would go down in history.

John XXIII - he had no answer to my arguments.

His predecessors, Pius XI and Pius XII, had campaigned against Evil. As an historian, Papa Roncalli knew what a risky business this could be. "No more moralizing," he said. I am sure he didn't want the Council to take sides in the so-called battle between God and the Devil.

As the Council opened, I sought out America's most famous Catholic preacher, Bishop Fulton Sheen. I expected him to be sleeping in a cardboard box under a railway bridge, but when I saw that he was staying in a hotel, I instantly knew that he was a reactionary. "This Council will be inspired by the Holy Spirit," he said.

"Never heard of Him," I retorted. "Can you tell me how to interview Him?"

Bishop Sheen merely smiled sadly, and I knew that we would be in danger, if the Holy Spirit - an unelected grandee - tried to interfere in the Council's decisions.

Fulton Sheen - did he wear gloves to avoid leaving fingerprints?

Well, you expect to see dinosaurs like Sheen when bishops are appointed by the Vatican hierarchy, instead of being democratically elected like police chiefs, in a free ballot in which atheists may also participate!

In the end, unlike the previous twenty Councils, in which some mythical person called "God" had played a key role, Vatican II was inspired directly by the 1960s ethos. The inspirational figures of the 1960s - people like Ronald Biggs, Jimmy Savile and Christine Keeler - were all to be found outside the Church oligarchy.

Christine Keeler, in prayer.

The Council changed the way we thought about God and the World. Indeed, Pope John and his Council made preliminary moves that helped end the Cold War - and, only 25 years later, Communism collapsed. (I make this comment since I am not pretending that the effects of the Council were always beneficial.)

Marxists reflect on the threat posed by the Council.

Before the Council, Mass had to be celebrated by a priest. Afterwards, nobody went to Mass anyway, so it didn't matter.

Before the Council, women were forbidden to attend Mass. Afterwards, they were freed from their bonds and allowed to participate fully in the life of the Church. The shock of this liberation drove some women insane with joy, and special caring arrangements had to be made: for example, Patient C was appointed editor of a Catholic comic, while Patient T was sent to sheltered accommodation in Roehampton.

Roehampton - a place where crazy people are respected.

Before the Council, Catholics were forced to read the Bible. Afterwards, they could read my best-selling books The Selfish Pope and The Pope Delusion.

Before the Council, we were sin-obsessed. Nowadays, Good and Evil are recognised as lifestyle choices, and nobody in the Church dares to say that one is better than the other. Before the Council, people spoke of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. Nowadays, we know that nobody will judge us, not even God.

Do we really see God like this, as a judge?

What we modernizing Catholics really hated was the Council of Trent (1545-1563). When announcing Vatican II, Pope John XXIII stated that the precepts of the Council of Trent continue to the modern day, but of course he wasn't serious. What could a bunch of medieval people know about sex and drugs, and rock and roll?

The Council of Trent. We hates it, we hates it, we hates it.

When Jesus addressed the multitudes on that hillside overlooking the sea of Galilee, he didn't tell them how to behave. He told them how to have fun. Jesus could have learned a lot from Vatican II - the Council told us what he should really have said. Which is as it should be.