This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 8 July 2020

The next Pope

The Rome correspondent Edward Pentin has written a book detailing some possible successors of Pope Francis in the Chair of St Peter. Not that Pope F is likely to quit soon, since he still has a huge pile of Dubia to answer - the latest one from Cardinal Zen asks bluntly "Are you mad or bad?" (a difficult question to answer). Also, the Pope's health is excellent - he works out every day in the martial art of Pappaslappa - so it is likely that he will live to be 100.

Rather than go for a "runners and riders" approach, let's detail some of the qualities that the next Pope must have, and see where that takes us.

Tagle and Francis dancing

Getting down wiv da yoof.

The Church needs more young people, and the way to bring them in is to forget dusty old notions such as God, but instead appeal to their interests, namely sex, drugs, dancing and listening to rock music. A Pope who can tell his Elvis Lennon from his John Presley is what we really need!

Parolin

Someone forceful.

Nobody wants to think that their Holy Father is being manipulated by sinister forces, so is it not better to put the sinister forces in charge? That way we know where we are.

Cardinal Marx

Someone who can make changes.

The German Church, imbued by the Spirit of Vatican III, not to mention Vatican IV, is showing us the way in dogmatic changes, and so a senior German cardinal, filled with the spirit of sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat and bier, would make an excellent leader for the Church as it heads for the cliff edge.

Vincent Nichols

Is it time for a do-nothing Pope?

After all the excitement of Pope Francis's reign, maybe the Church needs a period of consolidation, with a Pope who has nothing to say, and nothing to do. Modern technology means that the next Pope may just be a cardboard cutout, programmed to give the occasional blessing. And who can say no to that?

Maradiaga

A financial wizard?

The Vatican finances are rather dodgy at present, so perhaps it is time to forget evangelisation, saving souls, and sound doctrine. Instead we need to concentrate on building up a huge bank balance, and so it is time to appoint someone who knows all about amassing the stuff in sackfuls.

Kasper

A safe pair of hands.

The Catholic Church should always be looking to the past, and perhaps it is time to elect someone who, although 87 already, can be relied upon to preach all the values of the swinging 60s, when the Church was reborn. It doesn't matter too much if the new Pope is barking mad, provided that he is there as a figurehead reminding us of our glorious past.

AND FINALLY...

Cupich, Farrell, Tobin

Why not elect three Popes at once?

Thursday, 2 July 2020

Sir Michael versus St Michael

Sir Michael Palin, by and large a very funny comedian and all round nice guy (yes, I've even met him), has objected to the medal that goes with the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, as he finds it offensive to see St Michael stamping on the head of Satan. (The medal was redesigned a few years ago to make Satan white rather than black, because everyone knows that Jesus is black but Satan is white. Ask Justin Welby.)

The earlier form of the medal.

"It would be much nicer to see St Michael shaking hands with Satan, perhaps even offering him a cup of tea," explained the great man. "As a veteran of Monty Python, Ripping Yarns, etc., I have made it my lifetime's work not to offend people. Rudeness, blasphemy, naughtiness - they were always right out!"

Life of Brian crucifixion

A tasteful inoffensive scene from The Life of Brian.

"As a celebrity, it is my duty these days to stand up for religion," continued St Sir Michael. "Now that Christianity has more-or-less disappeared - at least in the circles I mix in - we have to remember the great Commandment that Black Lives Matter and White Lives don't. In point of fact, I don't wear my medal in public, only in the bath, and no one ever sees it. But if they did see it... well, nobody expects the BLMish Inquisition!"

Ripping Yarns

As seen in Sir Michael's Ripping Yarns, and not likely to offend anyone.

We tried to contact St Michael about his scandalous habit of stamping on the head of the Devil, but we were unsuccessful (as Piers Morgan put it, "Just because he's an Archangel, he thinks he's too grand to come on my rotten television programme"). Likewise, our attempts to contact Pope Francis in order to get the saint de-canonized were unsuccessful - apparently he has a backlog of rigid traddy saints that he has to sack first. Too bad.

St Michael

Enough of this filth!

Monday, 29 June 2020

Get your black market tickets for Mass!

In England and Wales, we can all go to Mass again on Sunday 5th July, BUT we are limited by social distancing to about 1/6 of our normal attendance. Some churches will ask you to book in advance to get a ticket, and you may have missed out.

Del Boy

£100 squire, or you'll have to watch Fr Phil on television!

However, as a service to worshippers, we are offering black market tickets to those who couldn't get them. Since the alternative is to queue for standing tickets, starting at 4 a.m., you know it makes sense to support Eccles Ticket Touts Eccles Worship Services.

  • £100 buys you a good seat in St Daryl the Apostate's, or £50 if you'll settle for a seat behind a pillar. Specially sterilized cushion included.
  • For £200 we lend you some vestments and you can sit in the chancel.
  • For £500 we lend you a mitre and crozier and you can sit on the bishop's throne in our local cathedral!

woman bad vestments

Only £200, and I get to preach the homily as well!

We are negotiating with the Vatican for the loan of white papal robes, so that you can have the best seat of all, with the option of doing your own sermon. Warning: this will need to be vetted by us beforehand, to make sure that only insults, ambiguous statements, and incomprehensible remarks are used. We don't want to make it too obvious that there is a cuckoo in the chair of St Peter!

Sunday, 28 June 2020

The eight worst liturgical abuses

On to the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, decided by votes on Twitter polls. Follow the hashtag #WCLA and ignore the Western Cape Liquor Authority and the Walled City of Lahore Authority, who used it by mistake.

communion in the glove

This page will be gradually updated as we go through the quarters (starting June 29th), semis (July 9th), and onto the final.

Quarter-final 1: Communion in the hand v Rainbow flags. RESULT: 52.2 v 47.8.

Quarter-final 2: Non-Biblical readings v Idols. RESULT: 19.9 v 80.1.

Pachamama

Quarter-final 3: Consecrating ordinary bread v Clowns. RESULT: 54.2 v 45.8.

Quarter-final 4: Blessings from Extraordinary Ministers v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 39.5 v 60.5.

extraordinary ministers

Semi-final 1: Communion in the hand v Idols.

Semi-final 3: Consecrating ordinary bread v Changing words in the liturgy.

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.
  • All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
  • Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
  • No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
  • No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
  • Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Space 1999

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.


Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

Thomas Becket

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.


Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bishop Barron

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

Monday, 22 June 2020

The Great Escape

The thrilling story of how Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI escaped from prison in Regensburg and made his way back to Rome.

We all thought that he was taking a trip to see his sick brother, but the true story was apparently far more sinister.

Bruvver Bungalow sets the scene for us.

Bugnolo drivel

Trouble for Benedict...

Next, Marshall Taylor sees a photo of Benedict and asks a friend of his, a qualified boxer, to give a diagnosis of the old man's health. Popeye Brutus, from his great experience of 93-year-old boxers, decides that Benedict has been punched on the hooter.

Taylor Marshall drivel

Could there be another explanation why Benedict looks about 90?

We knew that Francis was angry with Benedict - mostly jealousy because Benedict had read some books without pictures in, won the 2019 award for "best behaved Pope", and knew the entire catechism of the Catholic Church off by heart in six languages. Now was Francis's chance to remove him from the game.

Things were looking black for our hero, imprisoned in Stalag-Kasper-Marx 3, the notorious prisoner of war camp, where the most dangerous enemies of the Pope often end up. Surely that's Henry Sire making a glider? And Matthew Festing seems to be revving up a motorbike...

wooden horse

Four rigid Catholics help Benedict to escape.

The escape committee consisted of Viganò, Burke, and Schneider, together with the two Ratzinger brothers and their faithful sergeant, Georg Gänswein. The plan was simple: Georg would vault over a wooden horse, while Viganò, Burke, and Schneider sat underneath digging a tunnel. The Ratzinger brothers distracted the guards.

After that, Benedict escaped to Rome, using a forged passport in the name of Von Ekkles, disguising himself as a vacuum-cleaner salesman from Ulm.

Regensburg

"Having a lovely time. Glad you're not here. A card sent to the Vatican.

Soon to be another major film starring Anthony Hopkins as Benedict, Jonathan Pryce as Francis, and Brad Pitt as Archbishop Gänswein.

Saturday, 20 June 2020

The Book of Covidicus - Chapter 5 - No BALM in Gilead

Continued from Chapter 4.

1. Now there was dwelling in the land of Bri-tain a man named Dominus Vobis Cummings, who was an adviser to Bo-sis.

2. And the wife of Dominus fell sick of the plague, and knew not what to do.

3. So Dominus took his wife and child, and they rode to the northern land of Durham, where dwelt the parents of Dominus.

4. And later, when they were healed, they went to the mighty castle of Barnard to test whether the eyesight of Dominus was good enough for them to ride home.

5. And to his great joy Dominus could see the castle of Barnard; so he returned home.

If thou canst see a castle, then thou art healed.

6. And many people were exceedingly wrathful, for they said, "Surely, Dominus and his wife should have cast their child into the street, then lain down in their house to die? Is that not the advice that Bo-sis hath given unto us?"

7. And for forty days and forty nights their anger did not abate, for it was nurtured by the dwellers on the Beebee sea, the sky, the fourth channel, and elsewhere.

8. Then even the bishops called on Dominus to repent, but he heeded them not.

9. So for seven days the priests of the Beebee Sea marched round the walls of his dwelling, sounding seven trumpets.

10. And with all the people making a shout, and the trumpets sounding, the voice and the sound thundered in the ears of the multitude, yet the walls did not fall down.

Jericho

Outside the walls of Dominus.

11. But then came an event in a distant land which made all that heard of it forget the plague and the possible sins of Dominus.

12. For there was a man called Floyd, a notorious bandit, who had been slain while being held for his crimes.

13. He was black but comely, and the Antifites were exceeding wrathful, yeah, even in the land of Bri-tain.

14. For they said, "Was there no balm in Gilead, was there no physician there?" and so they called themselves BALM.

Austen Ivereigh rubbish

The prophet Iver-iah foretelleth a balming campaign.

15. The men of BALM spake out, saying, "Let us destroy the altars, and break the statues, and cut down the groves, and burn the graven things."

16. Thus they waged war on the statues of notorious slave-owners, such as Winston of the Hill of the Church, Venus of Milo, Pachamama, and Ozymandias, king of kings.

Eric Morecambe

Possibly a notorious slave-owner.

17. And the warriors of BALM said, "We may not strike the officers of the guard, since we cannot do this while remaining distant by four cubits."

18. "Accordingly, we shall throw missiles at them, and thus no man can say we broke the law of the land."

19. Thus they continued to wage war on the statues, the monuments, and indeed the people.

Don Giovanni

A statue fighteth back.

To be continued.

Sunday, 14 June 2020

Zanchetta back in favour, with McCarrick to follow

Great new for fans of Bishop Gustavo Zanchetta, the bishop suspended last year after reports that he had sexually abused seminarians and had homosexual pornography on his phone! Gussie, we all love you again (although for most of us not in the "Biblical" sense)!

Pope and Zanchetta

Welcome back, Gussie!

A committee of Vatican cardinals has looked at the images on his phone, and sees no problem with them. In fact, the cardinals are still looking at them. Indeed, most of them have downloaded copies, so that they can study them in the privacy of their own home. So, fear not, these images are being very carefully scrutinised.

In Argentina, Zanchetta is facing charges of defrauding the state and "aggravated continuous sexual abuse", but hey, that was in a foreign country, and since 2013 the Catholic Church has known not to trust anything an Argentinian says. So there's nothing so see here, and Gussie can get back to his job as a Vatican bank clerk. Case dismissed.


Pope and McCarrick

And now some more unfinished business.

But what about Uncle Ted McCarrick, whose crimes against Laudato Si' have caused him to lose his cardinal's hat? We have an exclusive preview of the long-awaited McCarrick Report:

1. Ted used to lure seminarians to his beach house and turn on the air conditioning.

2. In the winter he would even use a fire to warm the room as he cuddled up to seminarians on a bearskin rug.

3. He drove a huge Bergoglio Chiron gas-guzzler, and used it to pick up vulnerable seminarians.

Bugatti Chiron

The Bergoglio Chiron.

4. Have you seen the size of the fridge he used? Mind you, he needed it, if he had "one seminarian in the bed and one on ice".

5. He refused to renounce plastic and all its works, and he was seen using plastic straws when offering seminarians spiked drinks.

6. Ignoring advice from the Congregation for the Environment, he refused to fit solar panels to the roof of his beach house, claiming that mirrors in the bedroom ceiling were just as good.

7. All the other great sins: aeroplane rides, forgetting to recycle, refusing to invite Greta Thunberg to his beach house on the grounds that she was (allegedly) female... was there no limit to his wickedness?

Conclusion of the report: Uncle Don and Uncle Wilt are envious of Ted, but... nothing to see here, move on, please.

Uncle Ted's rice

Uncle Ted's new non-racist rice business is doing well.

Tuesday, 9 June 2020

Mogg turns to the dark side

The scene is breakfast at Mogg Towers. The Right Honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader of the House of Commons and Lord President of the Council, one of the UK's most senior Catholics, is eating breakfast, watched as always by his faithful nanny, Nanny Ogg.

Jacob: That's all, I've finished!

Nanny: No you haven't, you naughty boy. Eat up your kippers.

Jacob: I ask the honourable nanny to note that I have never liked kippers.

Nanny: Jacob, you will eat those kippers or go to your bedroom!

Mogg at a feast

Mogg at the breakfast table.

Jacob: Oh, all right, Nanny.

Nanny: There's a good boy. Now, Jacob, I want to have a serious talk with you. Are you still a Catholic?

Jacob: You know I'm a Catholic, Nanny! Didn't Helena and I go to Mass in the private chapel on Sunday? Didn't we take the children, all the way from big Prima down to little Quartus Decimus? Father O'Blimey said he was delighted to see us. And you were really good as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion, Nanny!

Mogg sprawling

Fr O'Blimey's sermon on "The best bits of Laudato Si'" fails to grip.

Nanny: Yes, all right. So perhaps you could explain why you are member of a government that is doing so many wicked things?

Jacob: Wicked things, Nanny?

Nanny: Yes. For a start you are trying to remove abortion restrictions in Northern Ireland. Fr O'Blimey says you can be excommunicated for that.

Jacob: Oh heck, that was Bozza's idea. You know Bozza - blond, unkempt, bit of a sex-maniac, but basically a good guy. He's my boss now.

Darth Vader

Mogg's choice of anti-virus mask should have warned us.

Nanny: And now I hear that you're changing the divorce laws to make it easier to put asunder those whom God hath joined, or at least whom a spotty man in a grey suit in a registry office hath joined.

Jacob: Still, we did scrap one of Bozza's ideas, which was that randomly-selected people would be contacted by the Home Office and told "Surprise, surprise! We've just given you a divorce! From now on your registered address is the garden shed."

Nanny: It's not good enough, you know. Also the nation's Catholics want to go to Mass - even the bishops want to, and they're the last people you'd think of getting involved! Moreover, the Anglicans are missing the helter-skelters and crazy golf that their own cathedrals normally provide. And all you can do is witter on about needing a haircut!

Westminster Cathedral

The inside of the Mogg private chapel, St Mogg's.

Jacob: Can't the Catholics go to their private chapels, as we do? No, I suppose not.

Nanny: It's not good enough, Jacob. You're a naughty boy. What are you?

Jacob: A naughty boy, Nanny. Sorry!

Nanny: We had intended you to be the next Prime Minister but three.
But after this, my patience fails. Go off and govern New South Wales!*

*Hilaire Belloc.

Saturday, 6 June 2020

Emperor Nero, pray for us

Rome, 68 AD.

St James Martin (James the least of all), a very well known disciple with many followers, today offended Christians by maintaining that the late Emperor Nero was in Heaven, and should be asked to pray for everyone.

I, Claudius

Nero was a man of many talents.

St James moaned: "We killed him. WE ARE ALL GUILTY. Nero* lives matter!"

* Italian for "black". Neat, eh?

The Emperor Nero was of course a very good Catholic, having spoken at length with both St Peter and St Paul before having them both executed. In a later era he would definitely have supported the Jesuits, and it is not surprising that St James believes he went straight to Heaven. Nero's sex life is said to have been a little complicated, but he was known as a prominent member of the LGBTSJ community, and a great fan of St James's Epistle to the Newyorkians, "Building a bridge".

St Linus, the current pope, is said to be less enthusiastic about Nero, regarding his burning of Rome as a serious cause of climate change, but it is generally accepted that St James, no matter how heretical, lewd, or plain bonkers his views may be, is beyond criticism.

Fr Jim and the Scream

Lookalike.

"You know, Judas Iscariot is probably in Heaven too..." continued St James before being led off to a luxuriously padded cell.

Wednesday, 3 June 2020

Donald Trump commits an unforgivable sin

President Donald Trump was roundly condemned today by the Catholic Church when it was revealed that, before going to bed last night, he had knelt at the side of his bed and said his prayers:

"Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Also, thank you God for a lovely day. God bless Melania, God bless Mike Pence, God bless Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and all the crazy gang. God bless me, and make me a good boy. Amen."

Jimbo the clown welcomes us into his lovely cell.

Father James Martin LGBTSJ was the first to condemn Mr Trump, pointing out that his actions made a mockery of Christianity. "And that's MY job!" he added. Jim also criticised Trump's use of force in removing "peacemakers" (looters and brick-throwers) from his bedroom before saying his prayers, noting that some of them were probably LGBT types who simply wanted the President to build bridges with them. Apparently, Trump squirted them with deodorant (later described as tear-gas).

Donald Trump attempts to make amends.

Next, "Uncle Wil", alias Wilton Ruggery, the Archbishop whose parents named him after a carpet, waded into the row. "Yesterday, the President visited the shrine of Pope St John-Paul II," he grumbled. "This is reserved for very holy people such as myself. I thank God daily that I am not as other men, in particular this great sinner Trump. Now I discover that he is praying to the same God as I do. Is there no limit to the man's effrontery? Get your own God, orange man!"

Wilton Ruggery relaxes in the company of sinless Catholics.

President Trump is struggling to defend himself from these attacks from powerful Catholics, and has even coined the slogan "Orange Lives Matter," but it is clear that he is doomed. Even offering to go out and loot a shoe shop is unlikely to satisfy his critics.

Saturday, 30 May 2020

The Secret Life of Pope Francis

With humble apologies to James Thurber.

Greta Thunberg stood up on the podium. "I present to you Pope Francis, three times winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the Environment, twice winner of the Economics Prize for Vatican accounting, as well as the Nobel Theology Prize, the Nobel Prize for Literature, and the Nobel prize for Chemistry," she said.

"I now have pleasure in presenting him with the Greta Thunberg Medal for Saving the Planet. His pioneering work Laudato Si', which told us that plastic straws are melting the glaciers, cooking our food is killing the polar bears, and that our use of electric lights is causing the penguins to leave Greenland, contains all that we need to save the world."

Francis stood up and thanked Miss Thurnberg. "I am deeply humbled, as well as humble," he said. "As I have always preached, there is no problem with rioting, looting, and burning down shops, provided that you always plant a tree afterwards..."

Greta Thunberg

Cardinal Parolin nudged the Holy Father, who came out of his daydream. "Shall we give up this year of Laudato Si' celebrations, your saintliness?" he asked. "It was hard enough spinning it out to one week, but a whole year of it will bore the chasubles off people. Especially with everything else that's going on."

Francis started. "Oh no!" he said. "Not until I have done my world tour to reduce CO2 emissions..."

Air Ace "Red Baron" Bergoglio took his plane into a dive over Southampton. "Take that, British pigs!" he said. "Historically, the Isle of Wight has always been Argentinian!"

The war had continued for nearly forty years, but, thanks to the indomitable Bergoglio's Flying Circus, the British were now on the defensive. Malta had been conquered, and the evil dictator Matthew Festing sent to Boese Lager, a camp for dissidents. Now the war was in its final phase, and the Red Baron was ready to go in for the kill. PACHA-PACHA-MAMA-MAMA went his guns...

Pope in aeroplane

"We're coming into land, Holy Father," said glamorous air hostess Tina Beattie, giving the Pope a sudden nudge. "Could you return to your seat and fasten your seat belt please? The passengers are complaining that they've heard enough new doctrine for one day."

Pope Francis's reverie came to an end, and he returned to his seat, pushing past some journalists who were blocking his way.

"We now come to the main fight of the evening," came the announcement over the tannoy. "In the red corner, Jorge Bergoglio, the Terror of Buenos Aires, who worked his way up from being a humble nightclub bouncer. In the blue corner, Dr Wuhan Flu, known as the Chinese Pestilence, who has left a long trail of wounded. I want a clean fight, now, no gouging, spitting, kicking..."

The referee checked the contestants for concealed weapons, removed two small idols of Pachamama from Bergoglio's gloves, and started the fight. The Terror of Buenos Aires rushed out from his corner and - PACH! - he floored the poor Chinaman with a single blow..."

Pope slapping girl

"Oh Heck," said Archbishop Gänswein. "You didn't have to slap that poor Chinese girl so hard. Now we're going to have to find an excuse..."

Monday, 25 May 2020

Church of England goes on strike

The background for those who don't know it: Dominic Cummings, an adviser to Boris Johnson, took his child to Durham during the lockdown. Depending on whom you listen to, his reward should either be a knighthood, or an execution on Tower Hill. All shades of opinion in between are possible.

David Walker tweet

"I thank God that I am not a sinner like Mr Cummings."

Led by Dr Worzel Gummidge, Bishop of Manchester, the Church of England bishops have finally agreed on an issue for the first time since 1558 - Dominic Cummings must go! And they're cross, they're very cross - unless he does go, they will refuse to cooperate with the government!

Apparently the decision was reached by a ZOO conference - this is a bit of software that allows you to see lots of little cages on your screen, each containing a bishop. The "Cummings out" doctrine has proved so popular that it is likely to become the 40th article of Faith, with a wording something like:

Article XL: That DOMINIC CUMMINGS is denounced as a wicked and vexatious person, who ran rings round us over Brexit. Accordingly we curse him, reject all his works, and condemn him as an evil spirit.

Worzel Gummidge

After 2 months of lockdown, Dr Gummidge could do with a haircut.

So, if Cummings isn't going(s), what will the strike mean? No more bishops lounging around in the House of Lords, no more writing stiff letters to the Guardian about how ghastly Boris is, no more invitations for cabinet ministers to attend agreeable sherry parties, no more praying. Well, praying has more-or-less stopped anyway, since the churches are closed, and the Anglican bishops are anxious not to reopen them for the forseeable future (unlike the Catholic bishops who consider the churches to be the House of God).

Vincent Nichols

Rare praise for Vincent Nichols!

In fact the only senior member of the Church of England administration who has ever been known to collaborate usefully with the government is the Supreme Governor herself, Queen Elizabeth, age 94. So far she has not told us whether she is also going on strike, but maybe Bishop Worzel knows.

Henry VIII

You never saw me going on strike!

Saturday, 23 May 2020

World Cup of Liturgical Abuses - the runners

In the end we collected 45 liturgical abuses of one sort and another - if you don't think something is a LA, then you don't need to vote for it - and the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses will start on Twitter on Monday May 25th. Because of the awkward number of entrants, there will be some qualifying rounds to get through first (it will probably take me until Monday to work out how this is organized).

In the end, you may vote for LA you have witnessed, as well as ones you haven't. How can I stop you?

By the way, my score is now 20.

Altar servers in trainers and hoodies
Mass with sheep
Animals
Asperges guns
Audience responses in the homily
Bad cantors
Bad hymns
Balloons
Bare feet
Blessings from EMHC
Changing words in the liturgy
Clapping
Clowns
Communion in the hand
Copies of Tablet in church
Dancing priests
Everyone sitting throughout
Extra prayers from congregation
Felt banners
Female altar-servers
Flash cards in the homily
"Good morning, Father"
Greeters
guitar Mass
Guitars, etc.
Holding hands in the Our Father
Homily in the aisle
Homily given by laity
Idols
Introducing ourselves to our neighbours
LGBT glitter ash
LGBT glitter ash
Liturgical dancing
Non-Biblical readings, e.g. Vat II documents
Notices lasting too long
Orans position for the Our Father
Ordinary bread consecrated
Priest next to boyfriend during readings
Priest without vestments
Priest with coloured shirt
Puppets/dolls
Rainbow flags
roller-skating angels
Roller-skating angels
Secular music
Sign of peace
Singing Happy Birthday
Standing for the consecration
Standing to end of Communion

May the worst abuse win!


For those who really want to know, this is the draw for the qualifying round. Two go through from each heat, which, with the 18 that were given a bye, makes 32 survivors for the main competition.

1 Guitars, etc.
1 Singing Happy Birthday
1 Dancing priests
1 Idols
2 Felt banners
2 Animals
2 Blessings from EMHC
2 Audience responses in the homily
3 Extra prayers from congregation
3 Everyone sitting throughout
3 Introducing ourselves to our neighbours
3 LGBT glitter ash
4 Altar servers in trainers and hoodies
4 Non-Biblical readings, e.g. Vat II documents
4 Copies of Tablet in church
4 Clapping
5 Notices lasting too long
5 Female altar-servers
5 Rainbow flags
5 Sign of peace
6 Clowns
6 Standing for the consecration
6 Orans position for the Our Father
6 Asperges guns
7 Standing to end of Communion
7 Priest with coloured shirt
7 Homily given by laity
Also, it came too late to be included, but an honourable mention for this video, sent in by Hilary White. "Commentators"!

Oh all right, put that into group 7, which is already one short.