This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

Brexodus 19 - the return of Bosis

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. So Maysis had vowed that she would no longer lead the children of Bri-tain round in circles, looking for an exit from the land of EUgypt. Thus it became necessary to choose another leader.

May laughing

Maysis raiseth her eyes to Heaven.

2. And ten brave men came forth and said "Let me rule over you."

3. These included names that were well known to the Conservatites, such as Bosis, Jeremiah the Hunter, Michael the Governor, and Sajidiah the secretary of homes; and, noisiest of all, Rorate the mighty walker.

4. This Rorate was wont to walk in the green fields, hoping that he might find people on whom he could drop down his thoughts.

Eccles and Rory

Two pictures of Rorate.

5. But then the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

6. So finally there remained only Bosis and Jeremiah, and they were to be considered by the whole tribe of Conservatites.

7. Meanwhile, the Pharaoh of EUgypt, known as Juncker, wished to retire in order to spend his declining years with his wine cellar.

8. Thus there stepped forth a new female Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, and she was chosen by means of a mystic process known as democracy. That is, a mighty voice spake out saying: "We proclaim Ursula the Queen of EUgypt. Like it or lump it."

9. And the high council of EUgypt made their decision: three hundred and eighty-three people voted to like the new queen, and three hundred and twenty-seven voted to lump her. And so she was elected.

Juncker and Van Leyen

Pharaoh Juncker offereth the new Queen the Sign of Peace.

10. At last, finally, the tribe of Conservatites decided who should lead them out of the land of EUgypt on the last day of October.

11. And the choice was Bosis.

Boris on zipwire

Bosis descendeth from Heaven. Except that he getteth stuck.

12. Then the people expressed their delight by cheering, hissing, wailing, gnashing their teeth, and uttering angry tweets.

13. And Bosis spake out saying, "Crumbs! I say, chaps! What a lark, eh?" which, being translated means "I shall endeavour to serve you to the best of my humble abilities."

To be continued.

Sunday, 21 July 2019

The CNA and Catholic Herald do a hatchet job on me

I, Professor Massimo Ecclesioli, am a very distinguished professor at the University of Astonvilla, and an expert on history, theology, theological history, historical theology, gelato, theological gelato, and gelatinous history, and of course a pious Catholic who prays to the Spirit of Vatican II every night.

Now, it is true that I wrote a piece in which I claimed that St Peter, St Paul, St Augustine, and St Thomas Aquinas were "devout schismatics," diminishing the authority of Pope Francis by constantly disagreeing with him. They are all siding with Archbishop Viganò, as are Cardinal Burke, Pope Benedict XVI, Archbishop Chaput, Cardinal Sarah, and Jesus Christ, Himself. They seem to believe that Viganò is basically an honest man: whereas, I, Professor Doctor Austen Ivereigh, Cardinal Cupich, Fr Thomas Rosica, and Cardinal Mr McCarrick all say he is a fiend incarnate.

Chico and Groucho

Prof. "Cakes" Ecclesioli (L).

Anyway, the Catholic News Agency (CNA) did a hit piece on me, telling people what I had written. They didn't even consult me, they just went ahead and published an account of my words. And they claimed that I could not be reached for comment, on the spurious grounds that when they tried to reach me, they failed. These scurrilous allegations were taken up by the Catholic Herald too.

The explanation is simple. After travelling home from Europe, I indulged in a light meal of gelato - banana, raspberry, bacon, onion, lychee, spinach, vanilla, gin, chop suey, mustard, blackcurrant, aspirin, and octopus flavoured ice-cream. (As an aside, when the Amazon Synod leads to the consumption of gelato flavoured with leaves, faggioli beans, piranha fish, and curare, I shall be first in the queue!) Anyway, as a result of my simple meal, I felt rather unwell and slumped under the table. If the CNA had looked there, they could have found me.

I should finish by pointing out that I am the Professor of Catholic Gelato at the University of Villageidiot, and therefore much cleverer than anyone else I have ever met. I rest my case.

signature

Friday, 19 July 2019

Did Vatican II really happen?

It's (roughly) fifty years since the historic mission that changed the way we look at the world, the Vatican II Council (with its famous catch phrase "One small step for a man, one giant leap into the dark for mankind." But did it really happen, or was it staged by actors?

Pope on the Moon

"Rome, we have a problem!" Pope Paul VI surveys the Catholic Church. Or is it an actor?

Some of the arguments suggesting that Vatican II was just a giant hoax focus on claims that 1960s technology just wasn't capable of filling the Catholic Church with moon-walking bishops (technically known as lunatics). The experiment also required turning round the altars (and the priests), devising a new programming language VERNACULAR in place of the age-old LATIN, introducing CLOWN and PUPPET technology, and making the all-powerful KISS of PEACE operational. Controversially, the Vatican II explorers brought back samples of rock (and heavy metal, jazz, also the mineral Danschutte, etc.), which did not resemble anything previously found in the Church.

2001 monkey

Annibale Bugnini explains his liturgical reforms.

Still, the technology developed by the Vatican II mission led to the development of Teflon, used in the production of "non-stick" priests, who thenceforth could get into very dirty situations without anything sticking to them.

Naturally, some of the Vatican II benefits trickled down to non-Roman societies, such as the Lutherans and Anglicans; however in that Cold War era, it was very much "Don't tell the Russians," which is why their Orthodox Church has been largely deprived of the benefits of the Vatican II mission.

Man in the Moon

The Spirit of Vatican II.

This blog tries not to express controversial opinions, but we feel that by and large it is likely that Vatican II *did* take place, although it is unlikely that the astronauts ended up meeting God.

Thursday, 18 July 2019

James Martin discovers sin

Living the sheltered life of a New York Jesuit, surrounded by homosexuals, attending the odd "gay" Mass, being a close friend of Cardinal Cupich, and fraternising with actors and political campaigners such Steve Colbert, my hero Fr James J. Martin SJ has few opportunities for encountering sin.

Indeed, being a good modernist, Fr James has realised that there are nowadays very few sins. Homosexual acts? No. Adultery? No. Abortion? Well, maybe, but it's best not to upset our Democrat friends by mentioning it too loudly. Climate Change? No doubt - wasn't that how the Red Sea got divided?

But let's get serious now.

Martin tweet

One of the few sins left.

A spokesman for the AFGH (All Foreigners Go Home) community told us: "We are very disppointed with Fr Jim's attitude. When is he going to build bridges towards us? Why no special AFGH masses? May I point out that we have a very inclusive community with members of all creeds and colours - white people who hate blacks, black people who hate whites, loonies who hate Martians, dogs who hate cats, you name it. But not a sign of welcome from Fr Jim!"

Tom and Jerry

A racist cat goes out mouse-bashing.

It is true that the Vatican has a more enlightened attitude to welcoming racists. Dear old Cardinal Kasper told us that African Catholics "should not tell us too much what we have to do" at the time of the 2014 Synod on Dropping the Idea of Sin. It's true he denied it until it was pointed out that Edward Pentin had a recording of the interview. But then the LCPF (Liars, Cheats, Perjurers and Frauds) community explained that there was no problem with this.

Steve Colbert

Steve Colbert wishes to point out that he is not a member of the AFGH Community.

Anyway, once he has thought about this more carefully, we expect Fr Jim to give a more humane Jesuitical welcome to racists, who, after all, only need accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps a course of Ignatian yoga, in order to be feel welcome in the Catholic Church.

Sunday, 14 July 2019

New Austen Ivereigh book

Following the success of his first book, "Austen Ivereigh, the great reformed character," Pope Francis is pleased to announce that his new book on the World's Greatest Catholic Journalist is now about to appear.

Weird Scribbler

The new book, oddly in "Dictator Pope" colours.

"Weird scribbler" tells the story of Austen Ivereigh over the last six years, starting with his creation of Catholic Voices, in which his spokesmen gave a completely orthodox Catholic take on events. Then, in a complete 180-degree turn, Ivereigh started writing more and more implausible articles of his own, throwing out his own eccentric ideas and getting in a heavy dose of score-settling.

Intemperate Ivereigh tweet

Austen spits on hundreds of years of Catholic tradition.

The motive for Pope Francis's writing this new pot-boiler is not hard to find (apart from a general financial crisis in the Vatican). We shall soon see the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists, in which Ivereigh, Mickens, Lamb, Spadaro, Rosica, Martin,... will all take part, and it's clear that this is ultimately the Holy Father's preferred candidate.

Pope and Ivereigh

Francis presents Austen with a copy of his earlier book.

Of course "journalist" is to be interpreted in the widest sense, and to include scribblers who have other jobs as well - whether it be priest, theologian or simply marketing their own brand of beans. We mention this latter example, as Prof. Massimo Faggioli is also to be taken seriously as a candidate.

Max Beans

Sunday, 7 July 2019

Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope and Damian

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Jabba and Soros

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

Austin Powers

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

Ivereigh tweet

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.

Dolan

Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!

Wednesday, 26 June 2019

Pope Francis explains the miracles of Jesus

As all modern Catholics know, there is an easy explanation for the "miracle" of the feeding of the 5,000; namely, that it was all a matter of the happy picknickers sharing what they already had. This theory has now been endorsed by no less than Pope Francis himself.

Explaining away miracles is a good way to make Catholicism popular among atheists, as these guys have always had problems with believing in God, the supernatural etc., and these ideas are not, strictly speaking, needed in modern Catholicism.

Pope Francis went on to explain some of the other alleged miracles of Jesus:

The miracle at Cana (John 2). Yes, indeed the host's wine ran out. But the guests at the wedding knew that the host was an old stingy-chops, and smuggled in their own bottles and hip flasks, which (as it is recorded in the gospels) contained much better stuff, anyway.

Wedding at Cana

"That reminds me, I do have a few bottles with me."

The paralysed man (Mark 2). This was the chap who was let down from the roof of someone's house, and was told, "Take up your bed and walk." It's clear what happened here: old Habakkuk was the laziest man in Capernaum, and had taken to his bed, rather than do an honest day's work. Jesus knew this, and told him to get up.

The man possessed by demons (Luke 8). This is greatly exaggerated, of course. The man was actually singing a selection of hymns such as "Gather us in", "Walk in the Light", and "Kumbayah". This upset a herd of pigs with great musical taste, and they all rushed into the sea to escape. Seeing this, the man instantly sobered up and went on to compose "Lord of the Dance". No, that can't be exactly right. But something like that happened.

James Martin

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of a man possessed by demons.

The raising of Lazarus (John 11-12). Of course, raising people from the dead is impossible. No doubt, Lazarus wasn't really dead, but was pretending to be dead for tax reasons. You try sitting around in a tomb for a few days, and people will naturally come to the conclusion that you have passed on, especially if you hang a sign saying "R.I.P." on the door.

Walking on the water and stilling the storm (Matthew 8 and 14). This is greatly exaggerated, and no doubt Jesus had found a underwater causeway: alternatively, He had been practising some sort of circus act. As for stilling the storm, well the trick is to say "Be still" just as the weather is getting better. Any competent meteorologist can do it.

Holy Island

St Peter decides to try going by car.

Answering questions (Matthew 22). No, we don't have an explanation for this one. Pope Francis has been unable to answer five simple Dubia ("it would be a miracle if he could"), so it is a complete mystery how Jesus managed to tackle some distinctly thorny questions from the Pharisees and Sadducees. It's simply amazing.

Monday, 24 June 2019

The bishops get tough on forced abortion

Yes! Our England and Wales bishops have at last shown that they are prepared to take a moral lead! Faced with the case of an NHS trust which wishes to force an abortion on an adult Catholic woman with moderate learning difficulties (say, one step down from Diane Abbott), they did not hesitate to condemn the brutal decision by Mrs Justice (ha ha) Lieven in the strongest possible terms.

Well, they hesitated for three days. But I suppose yesterday was Sunday, and some of the bishops may have been attending church.

Catholic bishops

"On the one hand..." "On the other hand..." "There are two sides to every question." "Remind me, are we for or against massacres?" "We mustn't offend anyone, must we?" "When do we get the doughnuts?"

But finally, there came the statement we had all been waiting for:

By and large, all things considered, we think that forcing women to kill their kids may not always be the best solution. But we don't want to make an issue of it. Still, we think you ought to know that some of us are slightly disgruntled by the whole affair.

That's telling them!

Apparently a few phrases were deleted from the original statement, because the bishops could not agree on them. These included:

Brood of vipers. Blood-crazed doctors. Murder. Bunch of psychos. Jackals. They're booked for the Lake of Fire - trust us, we know about these things.

But, on the whole, we think that the bishops' statement (which will be totally ignored, anyway) has really shown those fiends where they get off. Well done, my Lords!

Sunday, 23 June 2019

Amazonis Laetitia

The Instrumentum Laboris for the forthcoming Amazon synod has been released, and here are some excerpts from the document, which was edited by Cardinal Piranha, the special nuncio to the Amazon jungle. We expect to see many future synods named after rivers, including the Mississippi Synod, the Yangtze Synod, and - most heretical of all - the Rhine Synod, at which the German bishops will be instructed to "wash away all the old teachings".

Amazonis Laetitia

As always, the Catholic Church is guided by her faith in the Mother Earth Goddess, and her attendant Spirits, of which we mention Viracocha, Quetzalcoatl, Bergoglio, Maradiaga, etc. It has naturally been discovered that doctrine has evolved since the boring old 1st Century, and along the following lines.

Viracocha

"Peace be with you!"

Marriage of priests. Following detailed researches into Church customs, it has been agreed that priests shall be allowed to marry, but none should have more than six wives. Coincidentally, this brings us into line with best practice in the Church of England, whose founder also had six wives; thus it may be regarded as an ecumenical gesture.

Human sacrifices. This is a theological grey area, but very important, and so we have relegated the new doctrine to an ambiguous footnote on page 94. It is generally agreed that human sacrifices are at best an optional form of the liturgy (like the "sign of peace" but less offensive), and we expect the German bishops to take a lead here. Provided that "discernment" and "accompaniment" are stressed, who are we to judge?

Incan sacrifice

The Spirit of Vat-Inca II.

Women priests and deacons. Traditionally the Catholic Church has said that it is impossible to ordain women to holy orders (see the encyclical Retro in Cocinatorium ("Get back in the kitchen").) However, there is evidence (thank you, Fr Martin!) that in fact three of the twelve apostles were women, and one was not at all sure, and we haven't even mentioned the view that Mary Magdalene founded the Church. So it is definitely a grey area, and if it's one thing the Church is here for, it is to provide Jobs for the Boys (and Girls!) So we will mumble ambiguously about this one for a few months until suddenly everyone notices that lots of the priests are in fact female.

Liturgical blowpipes. Here we are stressing the traditional Christian line that firing poisoned darts at your neighbour (tipped with the venom of the serpent Blasus Cupichus) during Mass is considered to be bad manners; still, some bishops may choose to allow the custom. The priest, on the other hand, may fire suitably blessed blowpipes at unruly members of the congregation, although like the Extraordinary Form Mass, this is something we do not really encourage.

Blowpipe

Fr Blopipe practices his rituals.

Dubia, Filial Corrections, Rude letters from theologians, etc. These will be ignored, as usual, except that if we find out where you live, you may suddenly disappear. Understood?

Saturday, 8 June 2019

The new version of the Lord's prayer

Pope Francis has set up a special Vatican committee to provide a new modernist translation of the Lord's prayer, and we were privileged to hear (by means of an Ecclesbug (TM)) an account of their discussions.

Right, guys, Pope Francis wants a new translation of this prayer. We could start with the New Testament Greek if you like?

Oh no, that's all squiggles to me. How about using the Latin? Does anyone speak it?

I did a bit at school. Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat. That sort of stuff.

Caesar adsum jam forte

Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat.

Great! We can probably work that in somewhere. Now, let's start.

Pater noster, qui es in caelis.

Our holy Father who is... er, in caelis?

In the cellar? That's where he lives now that he has become even more humble.

Sanctificetur nomen tuum.

Sanctified be your, er nomen. Gnome? Is this a reference to Austen Ivereigh?

Adveniat regnum tuum.

Adveniat, er, Advent? Advent rules you? How about "Advent rules OK"?

Fiat voluntas tua.

Your wish was a Fiat. I think the Pope wanted a really humble car, you see.

Pope and car

My other car is a Fiat.

Sicut in caelo et in terra.

Does he play the cello? Well I've heard of Maradiaga on the fiddle... So far I've got "As the cello on the ground" - doesn't seem to mean much.

Look, if we aim for a meaningful translation we'll be here all day, and we'll miss Cocco's party. Shove it down as it is.

Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.

This is the bit about bread, isn't it? Shall we make the prayer more up-to-date by changing it to "pizza"? Give us some pizza today?

Et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

Something to do with debts and nostrils? Help us pay for our cocaine?

Hurry up, Cocco's party's starting soon.

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem.

We all know what he wants there. Do not let us fall into temptation.

Why not "fall into the Thames"? That would be snappier, wouldn't it?

Sed libera nos a malo.

Malo is apple, I'm fairly sure. Is this a reference to Adam and Eve?

Free us from apples!

Adam and Eve

Free us from apples!

So, what we'll give the punters from now on is:

Our holy Father, who is in the cellar,
Sanctified be your gnome.
Advent rules OK.
You wanted a Fiat
As the cello on the ground.
Give us some pizza today, 
And help us pay for our cocaine.
Do not let us fall into the Thames,
But free us from apples!

Well, guys, I think we've done a good job there. Pope Francis will be delighted.

Friday, 7 June 2019

Do women have the right to bare arms?

This week's big question arises from a tweet from Fr Kevin Cusick, namely,

Ladies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.

Venus de Milo

Not welcome at Mass.

This caused a mighty backlash on Twitter, and the good Fr KC felt obliged to drop out, rather than simply replying "You is not saved only I is saved," to his critics, which would be guaranteed to stun them into silence (it always works for me). We asked our experts to comment:

Sister Judy Piranha of the "Nuns on the Train": Coo-eee, Kevin!!?? Come along to our convent, and you'll see far more than naked shoulders!!?? Doesn't your constitution give women the right to bare arms??!! As a retired major-general, you should know all about that!!?? Anyway, Little Judy is just DYING to meet you, and give you a good time!!?? Byeeeee!!??

liturgical dance

Bare shoulders are only part of the problem.

Fr James Martin, LGBTSJ: I hope you're all having a good Pride Month, following on from Gay History Month, Catholic Lesbian Month, Transitioning Deacon Month, Priests who like Gay Sex in a Vat of Olive Oil Month, etc. etc.! There's something for everyone in our church, and nobody I know will be excited by a woman's bare arms - except for most of the other women! Anyway, must dash, the Jesuits have got a male stripper coming to Mass this evening!

Fr Jack Hackett, Craggy Island: GIRLS!!!!

Bishop Libby of Derby

Bishop Libby, a part-time onion-seller.

Bishop Libby: We Anglicans brought women's rights kicking and screaming into the 1960s, and burning our bras was only the first step. And the Catholics copied us - there isn't a single cardinal who wears a bra! Not even Tobin. Well, they couldn't get one in his size... Now, girls, remember to dress decently and tastefully, as I do!

Fr Kevin Cusick (mostly saved): You see what I have to put up with?

Monday, 3 June 2019

Bishop Tobin makes a humble apology

Bishop Thomas Tobin (not to be confused with Cardinal Joe Nighty-Night Tobin, whose views are rather different) managed to upset a lot of people by reminding Catholics that Gay Pride events are an invention of the Devil, and that people taking part will be assigned to the Lake of Fire faster than you can say "James Martin."

Being a bishop, he did not use those exact words (although St Paul would certainly have done). Since this blog has now decided to become a work of accurate record, following an embarrassing incident in which people were led to believe that Prof. Massimo Faggioli was actually a Count Massimo Faggioli, we are posting the original tweet verbatim.

Tobin tweet

Oops... Bishop accidentally reminds people of Catholic teaching.

Anyway, after an outcry from the Catholic community worldwide (including Piers Morgan, ha ha ha), the good bishop has backpedalled with the standard non-apology, which goes along these lines:

I deeply regret that you are such a load of wusses that you throw a wobbly whenever a bishop reminds you of Catholic teaching. I can only apologise sincerely, by saying "Keep your hissy fits to yourselves, you brood of vipers, and go to confession!"

This backtracking appears to have satisfied everyone, and is being spun as BISHOP SUPPORTS LGBT EVENTS AFTER ALL, TOBIN WITHDRAWS HOMOPHOBIC ABUSE, and TOP CATHOLIC SAYS "CAN I COME ALONG?"

Tom Tobin

Bishop Thomas Tobin

In next week's news: Bishop Tobin advises that theft is against Catholic teaching, and is justly condemned by the TBRPPBMEF (thieves, bank robbers, pick-pockets, muggers, embezzlers and frauds) community.

Saturday, 1 June 2019

How can a Pope tell lies?

As the latest instalment in our self-help guide, "How to be a good pope," intended for those of our readers who are already getting themselves measured for the white zucchetto, "just in case," we address the thorny problem of whether a pope can tell lies.

The simplest answer, of course, is no. Infallibility guarantees that, whatever you say, it is automatically true. Of course, as Rex Mottram would put it, you were actually telling the truth in a spiritual sense, but others are too sinful to see this.

Benedict, Francis, basket

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I know nothing."

Let's take a case in point, the sordid story of "Uncle Fred," once one of your favourite cardinals, and now sadly disgraced. Your predecessor as Pope knew about some of his activities, and, when the St Gallstone Mafia launched a coup and got you the top job, he told you all about him, and advised you to keep Uncle Fred chained up in a dungeon. So you let him go.

This is the story told by Archbishop Vinegar, and now other evidence is coming out. Donna Whirly was involved too. In fact it seems that everyone in the Vatican knew about Uncle Fred EXCEPT YOU.

McCarrick, Wuerl, Dolan

The Pope says he knows nothing!

So many people say you're lying! They really don't understand how Holy Fathers work, do they? Luckily you have friends who know that popes cannot lie (when Peter denied knowing Jesus, it wasn't a lie, it was simply because he had forgotten who He was, it could happen to anyone).

First, there's little Austen Ivory, telling the world that He didn’t know about McCarrick's past, or the sanctions (how could he know?) while at the same time throwing in a few character assassinations, in line with your new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. Other mates will rush to your defence, such as Robert Muckins, who still hasn't recovered from the news that your predecessor, whom he called "The rat" refuses to die. He manages to be even less coherent than Austen, no mean feat!

Unfortunately Fr Martin James LGBTSJ is not available to join in the fun, as he is in hospital having an operation. We have no idea what it is, but when she comes out, she will no doubt support you too.

Manuel

The Archbishop of Barcelona also knows nothing.

Anyway, here are a few useful phrases which should help you get through this tricky time:

I know nothing.
I have an alibi.
Nobody told me.
I wasn't there.
I plead infallibility.
It's a case of mistaken identity.
It must have been some other Pope.
You don't have any DNA evidence, do you?
If I have a weakness, it's my inability to lie.
If you can't trust the Pope, whom can you trust?
I reserve the right to remain silent.
     (Well, it worked for those Dubia...)
Jesus and Pontius Pilate

What is truth?

Transylvanians fear Pope's visit

In Transylvania, honest peasants are decking their homes with garlic and crucifixes, and refusing to go out after dark, as Pope Francis arrives on the latest of his world trips.

No, it is not the Holy Father, "He who can never tell lies," that they fear; rather it is the entourage of journalists, theologians, priests, vampires, and werewolves, who accompany him wherever he goes.

Dracula, Lugosi

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

Said Bram Stoca, a humble peasant from Bran, "Probably there is no truth in the rumours that Austen Ivereigh sleeps in a coffin, that Robert Mickens can turn into a bat, or that Fr Rosica can only be killed with a stake through his heart, but I am taking no chances."

The local Lord of the Manor, Count Dracula, is equally perturbed by the prospect of the invading hordes, not least as they are likely to take "customers" away from his own private Banca de Sange.

Dracula, Lee

"Any chance of a job with the Tablet?"

Some say that the Transylvanians' worries are unfounded, but for hundred of years peasants have told their children in hushed tones of the legend of the National Catholic Reporter, of Michael Sean Winters, of Fr Thomas Reese SJ, and even of Count Massimo Faggioli himself, of whom it is said in 1 Maccabees 5:4 (and no we are NOT making this bit up):

And he remembered the malice of the children of Bean: who were a snare and a stumblingblock to the people, by lying in wait for them in the way.

Peter Cushing

Fighting an NCR journalist with the only thing he fears.

Wednesday, 29 May 2019

Brexodus 18 - the end of May

Continued from Chapter 17.

1. Thus the twenty-ninth day of the third month arrived, and the waters of the Ref Sea parted; but lo! the children of Bri-tain did not depart from the land of EU-gypt as foretold by the prophets.

2. For May-sis was granted a delay unto the last day of October, a day known to the godly as the eve of all Hallows, and to the ungodly as the day of all pumpkins.

pumpkin priest

A high priest prepareth for Brexodus.

3. Thus the children of Bri-tain were told to take part in new elections to the high council of EU-gypt, and to mount upon their donkeys to visit the stations of poll.

4. And strange wonders were seen in the land, for the party that is called Brexodus won many votes, and there was a return of the plague of Farogs throughout the land; although the people were also inflicted with Cable-flies, and other pestilences.

5. And the Conservatites were deserted by all their supporters, and were greatly distressed.

Farage and Soubry

A farog rejoiceth, while Anna the Chukkabug is less amused.

6. Now on the next day, while the people were still waiting for their votes to be counted, May-sis spake out with the first words she had ever spoken that delighted the children of Bri-tain.

7. "No longer shall I serve you as your leader. Instead, I shall follow that great priest Cam-aaron into the land flowing with milk, honey, speaking engagements, dinners of the chicken of rubber, and great rewards in the form of cash."

8. "Although I am not leaving just yet, for I wish to receive King Donald the Trump and feast with him one last time. For it annoyeth the Corbynites."

back of May

Finally the people see the back of May-sis.

9. Then there came a mighty rushing wind, which bore upon it dozens of men and women who wished to succeed May-sis as leader of the Conservatites.

10. The people saw the return of Bo-sis, together with the Raabi called Dominic, the Governor of Michael, Jeremiah the hunter, and many others, in number like unto the grains of sand on the beach.

11. For so many wise people wished to beat their heads against the wall of the house that is called Commons, even though they would lose their wits thereby.

Continued in Chapter 19.

Tuesday, 21 May 2019

A Protestant asks for some wine

Following the recent incident in which a customer of Hawksmoor Manchester was accidentally served a bottle of Château le Pin Pomerol 2001 (priced at £4,500) rather than the cheaper (£260) wine they had ordered, we have news of an even greater surprise.

Hawksmoor tweet

Mr Luther Tudor, a devout "Easter worshipper", accidentally wandered into a Catholic church for Mass, rather than the Protestant Eucharist that he was expecting. After receiving Communion he was startled to be told that he had actually received the Precious Blood of Christ (beyond price), rather than the Plonque de Welby (£2.99 a bottle) that he had expected to drink.

"I know that the Rev. Doris always says something like 'The Blood of Christ' when we go for our Lord's Supper," explained Mr Tudor, "but we accept that this is just a metaphorical thing, like most of Jesus's teaching."

Mr Tudor was asked why he did not guess that he was in a Catholic Church when he heard the prayer for Pope Francis. He explained that, since this was followed with general sighs and face-palming, he had naturally assumed that he was in an extreme Protestant church, possibly Presbyterian.

Pope Franic and Justin Welby

"That's funny: nobody likes me, either."

Saturday, 18 May 2019

Churches to say "Alabama" rather than "Alleluia"

In this Easter season, it is common to hear interjections of "Alleluia" into prayers, hymns, and greetings. Of course, this can be taken too far, as in "After the Alleluia service there is Alleluia coffee served in the Alleluia Cardinal Danneels memorial Hall. Alleluia!" However, to celebrate the new Alabama abortion law, all Catholic churches have been asked to use the alternative liturgy "Alabama!" this weekend.

Alabama flag

All churches will be flying this flag.

This is expected to cause particular irritation to the anti-life types, and if you meet Senator Joe Biden in church (unlikely) and say "Peace be with you, Alabama!" don't be surprised if he kicks you in the shins. Still, the decree should not be surprising when we see the great commitment to pro-life issues by our bishops (for example, in the March For Life UK, there weren't actually any English bishops present - it was far too far for Vincent Nichols to travel - but we did see Bishop John Keenan of Paisley).

Kay Ivey

The Holy and the (Kay) Ivey. Even Baptists feel squeamish about mass murder!

So, on to Handel's "Alabama Chorus" from "Messiah":

A-la-ba-ma! A-la-ba-ma! Alabama! Alabama! A-la-a-bama! etc. etc.

and Paul Inwood's equally celebrated version:

Ala-bama Ch Ch, Ala-bama Ch Ch! Ala-bama Ch Ch, Ala-bama Ch Ch!

You know, I don't think God would mind us dropping a few Alleluias for a week or two, if it also meant that a few million lives were saved. But what do I know?

Addendum I: Of course there's always some stupid commentator who likes to [rude word mening "urinate"] on other people's parties, and Fr James Martin LGBTSJ 666 and "supertroll" Austen Ivereigh did not let us down. But you guessed that would happen, didn't you?

Addendum II: Could this be start of the 2nd American Civil War? Free states versus killer states? I hope not. Can the killers be crushed peacefully?