This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 14 August 2018

Marcantonio Colonna revealed to be Fr Thomas Rosica

When The Dictator Pope first came out, it was said to be authored by Marcantonio Colonna: it was not until several months later that someone realised that Mr Colonna had an alibi, as he had been dead for 400 years. Accordingly, it was then "revealed" that the author was Henry Sire, then Knight of the Order of Malta. Mr Sire suffered for this, being de-knighted.

However, that's not the end of the story, as it turns out that the true author of The Dictator Pope was Fr Thomas Rosica, the be-nighted Satan Lite media mogul and alleged Catholic priest.

Rosica's waffle

"Yes, Francis is a dictator and that is a GOOD THING."

Apologies to readers for two consecutive posts on our hero, Rosie, but he is a gift to spiritually nourishing bloggers.

Catholics tend to look down on Sola Scriptura teaching, because after all there are numerous ways to interpret certain Biblical passages, and until now it was best to interpret them in the light of tradition - that is, in the same way as the early Church did. But now we have Solus Franciscus, the view that all Catholic teaching should be torn up, and we should listen only to Pope Francis. Once you accept that, Amoris Laetitia will be your Bible, rather than, er, the Bible.

lollipope

The Great Dictator, now available badly drawn on a lollipope.

Francis's record as a dictator is not in doubt - he may have invaded the Sovereign Order of Malta, he may have made all dissidents into unpersons, he may have promoted nonentities and heretics into positions of power, his speeches reek of fanaticism, but... but... oh yes, at least he makes the trains run on time in the Vatican.

Mussolini

Habemus Papam!

Some of Fr Rosica's words are a little difficult to understand. What's all this about the Pope being free from "disordered attachments"? Does this mean the boot for his adviser, Fr James Martin SJ, as disordered an attachment as you would ever expect to see? And what is Jesuit intellectualism? Is that something to do with never making clear-cut statements, but always speaking ambiguously, so that several heretical interpretations are possible? We need to be told.

Henry Sire

Henry Sire, now believed to be a sockpuppet of Fr Rosica.

Still, the main message is clear. Previous Popes were such boring fuddy-duddies, always repeating over and over again the messages of their predecessors, of the doctors of the Church, of the apostles, of Jesus... But now the Fourth Person of the Trinity has arrived. His Coming is predicted in the Bible, "And Lo! A Fat Argentinian Dictator will come to dwell among you. And he will tell you what I should have said, but got wrong."

Somewhere in the Book of Revelation, I fancy.

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Fr Rosica interviews Cardinal Wuerl

We have watched it, so you don't have to.

Shifty-looking man (possibly Bill Clinton, possibly Cardinal Wuerl): Thank you, Fr Rosica, it's good to be back here, and I really appreciate the great work you do, Your Salt and Light empire is surely the saltiest and lightest media empire the world has ever seen, and you're looking great yourself too! That "Dolan" diet of yours has really given you a great figure!

Also, your work, day in, day out, insulting Catholics, is very valuable, and much appreciated by the USCCB.

Rosica and Wuerl

"Is it all right if I explain to you how wonderful I am?"

Fat man (possibly Oliver Hardy, possible Fr Rosica): We love you too, Cardinal, and we think the American bishops are doing a fine job! You haven't had a cardinal dragged off to prison for at least three days now! That shows that you're giving a great message of hope to all of us. Tell us more about the ground-breaking initiatives you are proposing.

Wuerl: Why, you do ask some tough questions, Rosie! Yes, we are planning a brilliant new scheme whereby we get the bishops to be judged by an external and impartial group of, er, other bishops. Or perhaps by themselves. What can possibly go wrong?

Comical Ali

All is going well in the USCCB.

Rosica: That's FANTASTIC, Cardinal. Only an Einstein of the bishop world could have thought of that. May I kiss your boots? We all adore Pope Francis, but you will make a worthy successor when the time comes!

Wuerl (blushing): I am not worthy! Well, actually I am, but perhaps we could cut that bit from the interview. I'm hoping that when the white smoke appears and they say "It's Whirly!" everyone will be simply relieved that it's not Cupich.

Rosica: Well, that's all in the future, about the time that dear old Jimmy Martin becomes a bishop. Now, I know I've been probing really hard today - as the bishop said to the actor...

Wuerl: I deny it! I was never there. [embarrassed silence] Oh, sorry, that was a joke, wasn't it?

Rosica: Yes, but let me ask another difficult question, which the everyday layman-in-the-pew has a right to know the answer to. What is it that makes you so extremely wonderful?

Wuerl:You've got me! A question I simply can't answer. There are too many reasons to name...

Rosica: Well, let's stop there. I next have to interview Cardinal Farrell, Cardinal Tobin, and Cardinal Cupich about the prospects for the World Series. Nighty-night, babe!

Wuerl and McCarrick

Well done, Donald, you've taken a weight off everyone's mind.

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Why can't Christians be more like Muslims?

Christian leaders have united in a joint effort to make Christianity a protected religion like Islam, marathon-running, cycling, and homosexuality. Pray outsider an abortion-clinic, and you will be screamed at by Rupa Huq and possibly arrested by the police; wear a crucifix at work, and you may be sacked (even if you're a priest).

London Marathon

A new look for the annual pilgrimage to Chartres.

On the other hand, if you wish to dress your wife like a letter box (© Boris Johnson), insist that your meat is produced from animals killed as painfully as possible, and jump out at people shouting "Allahu Akbar", then woe betide anyone who criticises you; if you wish to dress indecently and parade through the streets, making lewd suggestions at passers-by, then the police will probably join in (or if you wish to pretend you are a member of the opposite sex, then nobody may dispute this); and if you want to take place in a marathon race or a cycle ride, the streets will be closed for you, and non-worshippers told to stay at home. Words such as Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, marathonophobia and cyclophobia are bandied around as a way of stopping debate.

pillar box

One of the Little Sisters of the Post models her new habit.

So from now, Christians will be behaving more like Muslims and the other protected groups. Expect Christians to jump out at you with knives crying "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" (for the Catholics, Pope Francis has agreed to make a little update to the Catechism permitting this). Some religious denominations will take part in "Christian Pride", dressing up in gaily-coloured costumes, and insisting on the participation of policemen. Anyone who refuses to take part will be guilty of "hate crime".

women bishops

"Some people thought we were real bishops!"

Catholics are also demanding special "Catholic lanes" in our streets, so that pilgrims can march in safety, unimpeded by cars, cycles, shoppers, etc. Anglicans are demanding that Henry VIII be accorded the same status as the prophet Mohammed - no cartoons or derogatory remarks allowed, and priests expected to sing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am" from church towers as an early morning call to prayer. Baptists and other Sola Scriptura types will be taking "Bible-bashing" literally by slamming the Good Book down on the heads of any unbelievers.

Cupich and Martin

"Are you sure this Christianity of yours is compatible with our gay faith?"

In the interests of equality, diversity, drone, drone, we think that this new Christian initiative will be popular with all sections of society. What could possibly go wrong?

Thursday, 2 August 2018

How to change the Catholic Catechism

This is another instalment in our long-running series "How to be a good Pope", targeted towards those of our readers who are looking forward to sitting in the hot seat and want to be fully prepared.

Now, it may arise at some stage in your pontificate that your best friends are involved in homosexual scandals. After all, it could happen to any of us one day. Suppose that "Uncle Fred" (of the St Wormwood and Gall Mafia that got you the papal job) has been sodomising the wrong people. Suppose that his bosom friend Kevin Farrago denies knowing anything about it, in spite of sharing a bed home with Fred for several years. Suppose that Cardinal "The Donald" Whirl never knew that the diocesan funds had been used to pay off Fred's victims. Suppose also that there's another dodgy cardinal in the loop, who keeps tweeting "Nighty night snugglebum" to his sisters. Suppose that Cardinal Spinach... oh, never mind.

Trouble with the Barque of St Peter? No, you're doing fine!

Quick! A distraction! It's not enough to ask your friend Father Martin James to tweet some new heretical thoughts about how Jesus learned how to do miracles by talking to the little boy who was wandering round with five loaves and two fishes. No use inviting even more dodgy characters to the World Meeting of Dysfunctional Families in Dublin. Kim Jong-un has only said "maybe", Omar al-Bashir is out massacring people, Barack Obama is playing golf, and Emma Bonino is too busy designing a more powerful bicycle pump. Oh, what can you DO?

Simple! Rewrite the Catechism. Do it secretly before announcing it, and do in a Jesuitical way, so that people will be arguing whether you have really tried to change Catholic teaching under their feet. The Death Penalty is a good one to experiment with. Now we know you're against it, although traditional Catholic teaching hasn't gone that far. But you can pretend that it has.

Francis and Morales and that evil artefact

"It's for a new touchy-feely Communism, where you don't murder the dissidents."

Now, the language you use has to be Jesuitical, or else people will understand exactly what you're trying to say. We've gone past Good and Evil, Right and Wrong, Sin and Redemption. You could try "inadmissible". That's a good word that can mean anything.

Of course, once people have got used to receiving updates to the Catechism, perhaps by daily emails, you can change it as much as you like without worrying too much about traditional teaching. Homosexuality disordered? No, of course not. Transgenderism a delusion? Not likely! Adultery a sin? Oh COME ON, haven't you read Amoris Laetitia?

confession

"Bless me, Father, for I have done something inadmissible."
"No, my daughter, the Pope has changed the Catechism, and it's all right now."

Meanwhile, in the popular press, it's POPE ECCLES HAS CHANGED CATHOLIC TEACHING. If they think you can do that, maybe you really can do it?

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

God admits "I knew what McCarrick was up to"

We have seen a succession of implausible denials from Cardinals Wuerl, Farrell, Cupich, etc. that they knew that (ex-)Cardinal "Uncle Ted" McCarrick was anything other than a saintly being destined to be canonized soon after shuffling off his mortal coil. They never knew. They were shocked. Why weren't they told?

We have seen attacks from Martin, Rosica, Winters, Mickens, ... blaming any Catholics who do not happen to be homosexual for using the Tedgate affair to question the ethics of the St Gallen Mafia, the USCCB Gay Mafia, the Jesuits, the Pope, etc. They're all traddies. They go to Latin Masses. Some of them don't like Amoris Laetitia. Burn them!

We have seen total silence from the Pope himself, but since he lives his life without television, newspapers, internet, post, or friends, he cannot be expected to be aware that there is anything to worry about.

Pope and McCarrick

"Ted! How's tricks?"

Finally, God the Father has stepped up to the post and admitted that He, at least, knew perfectly well what McCarrick was up to. When asked why He had not stepped in to stop it with a bit of smiting - say a well-placed lightning bolt - the Almighty explained that in these Novum Testamentum days, smiting is out of fashion, and it's Mercy that's the Flavour of the Aeon.

Jubilee Year of Mercy

"But I didn't design that dreadful Logo," explained God.

God is well-known for His reluctance to give direct answers to questions (or "dubia") submitted to Him in prayer. These include:
1. Is this it?
2. How do you do what you do to me?
3. What kind of fool am I?
4. Should I stay or should I go?
5. Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight? [Perhaps it was a mistake to add this one.]

Austen Ivereigh's finest hour

"Is there no bomb in Gilead?" Another good question.

Nevertheless, the Almighty has promised to take action at the Day Of Judgement, and make things hot for some people. It's always hard to know who will end up as a sheep or a goat, but the general consensus seems to be that when the Dies Irae comes, Judas Iscariot, Nero, Henry VIII (sorry, Anglicans!), Hitler, and Sydney "Lord of the Dance" Carter went a bit too far in life, and will require good lawyers, or else a Surprise Redemption.

As for McCarrick, well we'll see...

Sunday, 29 July 2018

"Eat up your greens!" says Pope Francis

Pope Francis has given us the definitive - indeed Magisterial - message of today's Gospel about the feeding of the 5000. OUT go all references to Jesus feeding us, to bread, to any spiritual aspects of this miracle. But IN comes...

Pope Francis message

"Eat up your greens! Or do something else with them."

Coming soon is the Pope Francis Recipe Book, with a whole chapter on what to do with your leftover fish and bread. Eat it yourself ("we never thought of that"), turn it into something different ("if we had some roast beef, we could make it into roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, if we had some Yorkshire pudding"), give it to the poor ("Fish and bread? You joking, guv? The Anglicans are offering us gluten-free vegetarian unleaded low-fat hummus and soya fritters")... The possibilities are endless.

This should really be part of our "How to be a good pope" series. How to preach a sermon on the Feeding of the 5000 without saying anything that might offend the non-religious.

Over in Eccleston Square, the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have a better idea:

CBCEW message

No message from the American bishops, who are all at McCarrick's farewell party.

Yes, that makes sense. Each Apostle was given a "goody bag", or, more precisely a "goody basket" of leftovers. Most of them didn't want any more food, and gave their share to Judas Iscariot.

Mr Creosote

Cardinal Dolan Judas Iscariot, after eating 12 baskets of fish and bread.

Anyway, back to Pope Francis, and his message about leftover food. Remember to eat up your greens, don't leave food on the side of your plate, or, if you really can't finish the food, turn it into something different. Eccles cakes?

Oh, and don't mention Jesus. I did, but I think I got away with it.

Friday, 27 July 2018

English bishops to relax the dress code

In view of the extreme temperatures in London - "nearly as high as the last time it was this hot" - the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have agreed that priests may relax their dress code - cassocks, chasubles, socks, whatever - for Mass this weekend.

rainbow leotard

A Jesuit priest models a rainbow leotard.

"If the Marylebone Cricket Club can do it, then why not us?" explained Cardinal Vincent Nichols, as he rummaged through his wardrobe for a scarlet mankini. "We take our faith nearly as seriously as those cricket fans."

However, there are limits on what priests will be allowed to wear on "Scorcher Sunday." A request from the archbishop of Great Tobin that he could wear a see-through nighty-nighty was turned down.

dancing priest

Maintaining standards. This priest insists on wearing full dress when he dances.

To get a wider view of the issue, we asked the American bishops their views on stripping off in hot weather. Farrell, Wuerl, Tobin and Cupich were unanimous: "We prefer to cover things up." What can they mean?

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

"I've never even heard of McCarrick" says Cardinal Farrell

Today, in a new statement to journalist Cindy Wooden ("Wooden by name, wooden by nature"), Cardinal Kevin Farrell announced, "I've never even heard of Cardinal McCarrick."

"But you lived with him for six years. Er, not in the 'Biblical' sense, of course..."

"No, it's all lies. I may technically have been ordained by him, but I really don't remember him. I was too busy trying to look holy."

Looking holy.

"Isn't that a Father Ted joke?"

"Look, I never met Father Ted. Or Uncle Ted."

"But you served as his auxiliary bishop."

"Did I really? That seems very improbable."

"You have no memory of Uncle Ted at all?"

"No, you know how is it when you're a priest, you get to meet all sorts of people, even your own bishop, but you can't be expected to remember names and faces."

"So when Cardinal McCarrick was having carnal relations with half of the young men in Washington, you were totally unware of what was going on?"

"That's right. I never heard any gossip. Or mysterious screams in the night. Or complaints."

"Thank you, Cardinal Farrell, I'm so glad we've cleared that up."

"Can we talk about my new discovery that priests have no credibility? Anything to change the subject..."

"So you've never met Cardinal Farrell, Holy Father?"

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Glasgow Caledonian appoints a new Catholic Chaplain

Following the sacking of Catholic chaplain Father Mark Morris by Glasgow Caledonian University for the crime of being too Catholic - in particular, holding a prayer service to seek "reparation for the gross offence to God which is Pride Glasgow" - GCU have finally found a replacement who sees no problem with Catholic priests parading in rainbow leotards if it helps to build bridges and promote equality and diversity, inclusivity, whips and leather accessories for all.

Mark Morris

Fr Mark - note the offensive painting behind him.

Cardinal "Ted" McCarrick of the St Gallen Mafia had offered his services, but it was felt that this would be a step too far, even for GCU. Besides, it will take another ten years or so for Catholic doctrine to evolve to a point where sexual abuse can be publicly supported (although several of the Pope's closest advisers are said to be "encouraging").

No, GCU has gone for a more respected figure, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ FBPE (we are not sure what the last one is about, but we think the F stands for "fruitcake"). Not only will he refuse to quote the Catholic Catechism on homosexual relations (let alone Biblical teaching on the subject), but he is a man whose Pride knows no bounds.

James Martin

Getting down with the youth...

Finally, Archbishop Tartaglia, the 40th successor of St Mungo, has complained in the strongest possible terms to the principal of GCU about the treatment of Fr Mark, "a totally orthodox priest, persecuted for upholding Catholic teaching". Only joking, folks!

Note for non-UK readers, Glasgow Caledonian University isn't a distinguished seat of learning, similar to Oxford and Cambridge, nor even a research-led university such as Liverpool or Bristol. It is one of a large number of lesser establishments that now call themselves universities - in this case it started life as Angus McPride's Haggis Parlour.

Thursday, 19 July 2018

Diarmuid Martin punishes all his clergy

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has finally shaken off the labels "weak", "spineless" and "pathetic", which he has received so many times, and taken action. He has at last punished the entire clergy of his Archdiocese for affirming Catholic teaching.

It began quietly enough, when he disciplined Fr James Larkin for being dangerously pro-life. Fr Larkin had spoken against the Irish referendum, and pointed out that anyone who had voted "yes" (through ignorance, through weakness, through their own deliberate fault, as the Anglican Prayer Book puts it) should regard this as a sin and go to Confession.

Molesworth cartoon

Diarmuid Martin, Dublin's Iron Man.

Now, however, the good Archbishop has noticed that many of his priests are expressing dangerously pro-life attitudes; the others, less interested in the question whether babies in the womb should be dismembered, are still receiving confessions, or at least conducting masses in which the "Kyrie" is present. "Better be on the safe side," he said today, "and punish the lot of them."

There are of course difficulties in exiling several hundred priests to Craggy Island, or dumping them on the Loreto sisters in Rathfarnham, but the good archbishop is working hard to find a solution. The other problem is that Irish churches will no longer have priests to offer Mass: however, in the era of Diarmuid most Catholics have stopped attending church anyway, so this may not be a serious difficulty.

Varadkar and Diarmuid

Well done, thou good and faithful servant!

It is not known how Archbishop Martin himself voted on the 8th Amendment Referendum; at the time he made very vague pro-life noises, but obviously the whole point of the Catholic Church is that it should stay in step with whatever secular government is in power. Did not Jesus say "Render unto Caesar whatever he asks of you: God really isn't bothered"?

Many priests in the Dublin Archdiocese are angry with the archbishop for his decision to exile them. One at least has taken the matter into his own hands, or rather feet.

Kicking Bishop Brennan

The martrydom of Archbishop Diarmuid.

In view of the wide dislike for Dublin's spiritual leader expressed by ordinary Catholics, it cannot be long before Pope Francis makes him a cardinal. It worked for Cupich.

Sunday, 15 July 2018

"Jesus has no credibility" says Cardinal Farrell

"Jesus is not the best person to advise people on marriage," explained Cardinal Kevin Farrell, Prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life. "He has no credibility, He never lived the experience; He may be the Son of God, but to go from there to putting His Power into practice every day - He doesn't have that experience."

Some will find Cardinal Farrell's words controversial, although it is unlikely that Pope Francis will take any notice of them, let alone correct them. Cardinal Farrell (70) was appointed by Francis, along with Cardinal Tobin (66) and Cardinal Cupich (69), as one of a team of "Bright Young Cardinals" whose job was to drag the Catholic Church into the 1960s.

Tobin, Farrell, Cupich

The Three Musketeers (or do we mean Stooges?)

Jesus's views on marriage - broadly speaking, that it is an institution that involves one man and one woman for life - have already been much criticised, especially by fans of Amoris Laetitia, but Kevin Farrell is the first person to come out and explain how He could have got things so badly wrong.

"It is better if people being prepared for marriage ignore all that pre-Vatican II Biblical stuff," he continued, "and it is therefore more appropriate if they are prepared by someone who has been married before - perhaps several times - and preferably both to people of the same sex and the opposite sex. That way they can benefit from a full range of experiences."

Henry VIII

"Now take Henry VIII. The Anglicans have benefited from his wide experience of marriage!"

Cardinal Farrell went on to criticise the Ten Commandments, explaining that God had been "rather new at that game" when He drafted them, and had not committed any sins. "It would have been better if He had left things to Satan, who, after all, had much more personal experience of evil."

Many Catholic priests have been disturbed (not to say furious) at Kev the Rev's comments, asking themselves exactly what experience of marriage the good cardinal has himself had, to be able to speak out so authoritatively. As a result, they have constructed a giant balloon (blimp) in the form of Farrell, which is now flying above Rome, this being the "modern" way to express political disagreement.

Farrell blimp

The Farrell blimp watches over St Peter's Square.

Thursday, 12 July 2018

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12.

1. It came to pass that, two years after the historic day on which the children of Bri-tain had spurned the advice of Cam-aaron and voted to leave the land of EU-gypt, there was finally enacted the Law of May-sis, by which she could start the journey into the wilderness.

2. Indeed, the mighty lords and ladies, who had fought all the way to prevent the Law from passing, had given way. Yeah, even the Lords K-enoch and Man-delilah, who had received many riches from EU-gypt.

3. For the people had said, "Who needeth these lords, anyway? Shall we not cast them into the Red Sea?" Which was a good question.

4. Finally the Royal Assent was given by the all-powerful Queen herself, Elisheba*, who signed any laws that came her way.

* A gold star for anyone who knows who Elisheba was.

Theresa May

May-sis hath won. Or hath she?

5. Thus finally May-sis and her closest advisers, known as Cabinet, were ready to decide the exact manner of leaving EU-gypt.

6. So she summoned her ministers to a weekend in the mighty palace that is called Chequers.

7. And those who had read the stories of Agape Christi said "I know what happeneth next. Someone is murdered, and no man knoweth who did the deed."

8. However, what befell was even worse.

9. For May-sis produced her plan for the Brexodus, which was very simple:

10. The children of Bri-tain would leave the land of EU-gypt, but continue to obey its laws, pay taxes to the Pharaoh Juncker, and send slaves to work in the fields.

11. Indeed, this was to be a "very soft Brexodus", if not an "invisible Brexodus".

12. But many men were exceeding wrathful at the plan. Thus, two mighty counsellors, King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, decided to quit the council of May-sis.

Boris and Davis

Making a Bexodus and a Dexodus.

13. As they explained: "Our departure from thy Cabinet means that for two years thou shalt see no difference, and, when we do leave, we shall continue to serve as before."

14. But it was not to be, and King David and Bo-sis made a hard exit, and were forced to sit on the Benches of the Back, where no man's voice is ever heard.

15. And the Ukipites spake saying, "If ye leave not EU-gypt, we shall send another plague of Farogs; for they are not dead, but sleeping."

16. While some in the Toryite party cried once more, "Give us Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

17. And those who saw the plight of May-sis whispered amongst themselves, saying "She is now like unto the Manna that hath been baked too long in the rays of the sun."

toast

Could this be the fate of May-sis, as it was of Cam-aaron?

To be continued.

Trouble with the Ealing Prayer Ban

After the High Court upheld Ealing Council's ban on prayer outside its flagship abortion clinic, Kildetots, police have been overwhelmed with incidents of alleged prayer, and all the cells are now full.

Boris and Rupa

"Cripes! You've been nabbed!"

One of the first to be arrested was the local MP, Rupa Huq, alias Huq the Rupa, who, walking past the abortuary, was heard to mutter the words "Bless you" when she saw a passer-by sneeze. She is expected to serve a long sentence for this act of explicit praying.

Another to be found in the cells is Julian Bell, leader of Ealing Council. He was seen to scratch his chest while walking past the slaughterhouse, and this was interpreted by a passing policeman as "Probably making the sign of the Cross. Better bang him up to be on the safe side."

Sadiq Khan balloon

The highly-respected Mayor of London.

The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, while floating above the death house disguised as a barrage balloon, was heard to emit wind. A local policeman promptly reined him in, saying, "That was one of those fancy Arab prayers, wasn't it? Allahu Akbar, was it?" Mr Khan explained that arresting someone for a Muslim prayer was a hate crime. "Hang it, Constable, this is London. We only arrest Christians!" He was released on police bail.

Mr Jeremy Corbyn, another fan of the Ealing prayer ban, was arrested when he tripped over a kerbstone. "It looked to me as though he was genuflecting," explained a policeman. His trial comes up next week.

On the other hand, Cardinal Vincent Nichols, the local ordinary, has so far not been seen praying outside the killing facility, even though to do so would give leadership to those who wish to reduce the number of deaths. It would never do for him to be mistaken for a pro-life advocate.

Vincent Nichols and a fish

"So you're expecting your child to be a fish? Jolly good."

Thursday, 21 June 2018

Francis admits "I didn't know I was the Pope."

After denying receiving any complaints about the activities of Bishop Barros in Chile, and now, most recently having denied receiving the five Dubia from Cardinal Burke and colleagues, Pope Francis has finally come up with a convincing explanation.

"Until I read the news in the paper," he explained, "I did not realise I was the Pope. They told me that, since I was so unpopular in Argentina, I should take a sabbatical in Rome, but I never imagined that I held the top job. Imagine my surprise when the Tablet announced that I was the Pope!"

Pope Francis covered up

"Dubia? I see no Dubia."

Apparently there was a large pile of unanswered letters of complaint, demands for clarification, and more, all addressed to "THE POPE", and Francis had been wondering for five years why nobody had opened them. "The same goes for electricity and gas bills," he added. "We've been sitting in the dark for several years, and living on takeaways, since the electricity and gas were turned off. Whenever the Pope, whoever he is, turns up, I hope he will take some action, such as excommunicating members of the Rome Power Company."

The Pope's admission has at least quelled suspicions that Cardinal Baldisseri, the well-known collector of other people's books, had been suppressing the Pope's post. Baldisseri himself admitted that he was too busy manipulating the forthcoming Synod on Yoof in Rome. "I've already worked out what the young people will decide," he explained, "and I haven't even had to meet any. How would I possibly have had time to look at the Pope's correspondence?"

LATE NEWS: God claims: "I never received any prayers from Pope Francis, I just read about them in the newspaper."

Monday, 18 June 2018

Pope Francis changes his medication

After several years of dosing himself on CUPICHON, MARTINEX, SPADARINE, COCA-PALMERIOL, and similar poisons, which have led the Holy Father to express some distinctly dubious views on pro-life issues, homosexuality, and the like, Pope Francis has received a new prescription from his doctor, including wonder drugs such as BURKEMIN, SARAHOL, and SCHNEIDERONE.

Francis, a new man

"I feel like a new man!" says Francis.

The results have been startling. Pope Francis has spoken out against "gay" parenting ("ungodly") and abortion ("like Nazi eugenics"). Only a few weeks too late to save Ireland and Argentina, but credit where it's due.

This could be a turning point for the Catholic Church. Will Emma Bonino be crossed off Francis's Christmas card list? Will Fr James Martin SJ be summoned to Rome for a good thrashing (no, he'd probably enjoy it)? Will Scalfari be given the boot? Will the Dubia finally be answered? Could climate change, liberation theology, and similar issues be replaced by a new emphasis on Catholic teaching?

Francis, grumpy

"We think it was the SPADARINE that made him shout at everybody."

Of course there are other wonder drugs on the market that Pope Francis may wish to try. He should avoid DOLANINE, which makes the patient spend all his time laughing crazily; also, TOBINOL comes in two varieties, one of which is beneficial, while the other leads to strange behaviour late at night; then, tincture of ROSICA leads to aggression and paranoia; finally, swallowing ZUHLSDORFIA leads to distinctly eccentric behaviour, but is basically sound...

Dolan laughing

The dreadful affects of DOLANINE. (H/T someone, not sure who.)

Good luck, Holy Father!

Sunday, 17 June 2018

Cardinal condemns God for separating families

Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has slammed God for building a wall round Heaven and separating families.

Said His Eminence, "It is shocking to think that there is no free access to Heaven, and that people who illegally try to enter - perhaps when St Peter's attention is distracted by a discussion of fishing techniques - are rounded up and interned in Hell. This means that some people are entering Heaven to discover that their parents have been sent elsewhere."

Donald Trump

An artist's vision of God.

A spokesman for God (St Matthew of Catholic Voices) remarked that Divine Immigration Policy clearly stated "And every one that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall possess life everlasting. So there!"

Meanwhile, the USCCB stressed that they were speaking out in their capacity as a pro-life organization: they were concerned about immigration, but had very little objection to children being destroyed in the womb, and they would certainly not deny communion to abortionists, whether practising or simply preaching the doctrine of death. In this they were backed up by organizations such as "Catholics for Choice", "Catholics for Infanticide", "Catholics for Herod" and "Catholics for BLOOD SLAUGHTER MURDER DEATH PSYCHO AAAAGGGGHHH".

Daniel DiNardo

"In the words of Holy Scripture: VOTE DEMOCRAT."

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Ten little cardinals

Ten little cardinals... or which one became Pope?

Dolan

"Don't worry, you can lose weight by dancing with the Rockettes."

Ten little cardinals going out to dine;
One ate far too much and then there were nine.

Tobin

"Nighty-night, Eccles baby! I love you."

Nine little cardinals sat up very late;
One said "Nighty-night!" and then there were eight.

nichols

"Never offend people by mentioning Catholic teaching, that's my motto!"

Eight little cardinals defending Alfie Evans;
One wasn't keen on this, and then there were seven.

Baldisseri

"Fiddling? No, I'm a pianist."

Seven little cardinals playing dirty tricks;
One rigged a synod and then there were six.

Kasper

"Hello, everyone, I've escaped again!"

Six little cardinals keeping faith alive;
One preferred to change it all, and then there were five.

Burke

"One of these days I really must get round to correcting Pope Francis."

Five little cardinals studied canon law;
One asked some Dubia and then there were four.

Maradiaga

"Money makes the world go round. That's in the Bible somewhere."

Four little cardinals on a spending spree;
One made all the money go, and then there were three.

Cupich

"I can't see any problems with the James Martin approach."

Three little cardinals building bridges new;
One asked James Martin’s help, and then there were two.

Marx

"Lutheran? Catholic? Who cares if they pay their Church Tax?"

Two little cardinals at Communion;
One joined the Protestants, and then there was one.

Sarah

"Oh no, what's Pope Francis up to now?"

One little cardinal left silent and alone;
He became the next pope and then there were none.