This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 8 May 2021

Pope Francis to collaborate with Harry and Meghan

Having sent a nessage to Vax Live, "the concert to reunite the world", chaired by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (hereafter, Harry and Meghan) - who are having enough trouble reuniting their own family - Pope Francis is anxious to exploit his friendship with the future king of the UK and president of the USA (unconfirmed).

Although Pope Francis himself admits that he is "an old man, who does not dance or sing like you", he has also sent along Cardinal "Chito" Tagle, the world's oldest teenager, who has promised to dance, sing, and burst into tears wherever appropriate.

Tagle and Pope dancing

The present and future popes? Cardinal Tagle shows off his dancing skills.

In return, Harry and Meghan have agreed to write some passages for Ecclesia Woka Sit ("Let the Church be woke"), the Pope's next encyclical. They will also persuade some of their friends to contribute: these include Chelsea Clinton (already a participant in an online Vatican conference on health), Greta Thunberg, professor of climatology at the university of Truanzee, Deacon-in-training Joseph Biden of the Devout Catholic Church of Washington, and of course Bill and Melinda Gates from the charitable foundation known as Help the Rich Get Even Richer.

Bill Gates a la Warhol

A harmless side-effect of the Gates vaccine - you turn into a geek.

There are many important issues to be addressed in Ecclesia Woka Sit. A change in the liturgy is planned, in which the priest and congregation will "take a knee" at the start of Mass, in honour of Black Lives Matter*; they will also tear down the statues of any saints who may have links with slavery - for example, by having ancestors or descendants who once wore cotton.

*At least they matter unless they are babies. (Thanks, Chelsea!)

After the recent meddling with the Lord's Prayer ("how foolish of Jesus to get it wrong" as a Pope Francis ally explained to us), more changes are planned, introducing themes such as climate change and transgender awareness and removing the embarrassing bits about forgiveness, temptation, and evil.


Oh praise ye the Floyd!

Priests are also being encouraged to display their pronouns - preferably they/them rather than he/him, although she/her will also be accepted - on sign boards, in church newsletters, and in emails, etc. At the start of Mass, they recommend a form of words such as "Hi, guys, gals and people of all other genders and none, I am Parent James Martin LGBTSJ (they/them), and we're going to have a really swell time today!"

Preparations for the new encyclical are said to be going well, although apparently Meghan has already fallen out with her collaborators. Pope Francis has accused her of bullying, and she has accused the entire Ecclesia Woka Sit team of racism. So it's business as usual.

Harry, Meghan, Oprah

"It was terrible, Oprah. I called Cardinal Sarah a racist, and he simply laughed at me."


  1. Would that be Non-Birthing Parent James Martin LGBTSJ (they/them/legion)?

  2. In these painful times where you want to cry and run away but know the only place to run into the arms of Christ crucified.... You can make me laugh. Alleluia, I know we are called to live, die and rise in these times.

  3. "It was terrible, Oprah. I called Cardinal Sarah a racist, and he *simpy* laughed at me."

  4. Cardinal Sarah? Is they a she?

    1. I bought Cardinal Sarah's book on Silence. After the second page I wished he had kept his silence. The book was a hotch-potch of stuff from all over the shop. You'd be better off with an old dog-eared copy of some '60s Thomas Merton book. But here's the point: having wasted my time for several years, moaning about Pope Francis, I'm actually now reading him and he is very good. Get with the programme. Sorry Eccles, just sayin...

    2. Yes, leftists usually like other leftists. What else is new, Gareth?

  5. I suppose that hymns are out then.

  6. I'm only 17 and this is still make me laugh aloud. Keep up the fantastic work.