Good Samaritan arrested for looting

A correction.

Our star reporter Lambchop breaks the news.

We are grateful to Pope Francis, the celebrated climatologist, left-wing political agitator and part-time Catholic, for correcting the account in St Luke of the activities of the Good Samaritan ("Sam" to his friends). It seems that this well-known parable did not turn out exactly as reported by St Luke, and - like the Beatitudes, the Lord's Prayer and other Biblical errors - it required updating. Count your blessings that this was done by papal decree, and not another synod!

It seems that, after delivering the mugging victim to the inn, and binding up his wounds, Sam reacted in the only proper way. He embarked on a campaign of violence, setting fire to buildings, attacking random people who had nothing to do with the muggers, looting shoe shops (medieval paintings often show the Good Samaritan dressed in a pair of brand new Adidas trainers), and generally harassing anyone who got in his way.

"My mates and I will get them for this. And anyone else within 50 miles."

Other prominent figures from Jesus's parables also turn out to have led complicated lives. The man with the lost sheep, having found the poor animal, then went round to his neighbour's farms and set fire to their barns. The prodigal son, offered some fatted calf by his long-suffering father, accused him of letting his animals cause climate change, with the immortal words "You have stolen my childhood and your dreams."

Lazarus, in Abraham's bosom, mocked Dives as a "self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagian." The sower who was sowing seed, once he had finally worked out where the good soil was, ripped it up and threw it in the face of passers-by as a way of showing that he was a true custodian of tradition. Then he screamed at them because they were cross with him.

We are looking forward to Pope Francis's new encyclical Parabolae Perditae or Parables Lost, which will correct and re-interpret all the Biblical parables.

Pope Francis to collaborate with Harry and Meghan

Having sent a nessage to Vax Live, "the concert to reunite the world", chaired by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (hereafter, Harry and Meghan) - who are having enough trouble reuniting their own family - Pope Francis is anxious to exploit his friendship with the future king of the UK and president of the USA (unconfirmed).

Although Pope Francis himself admits that he is "an old man, who does not dance or sing like you", he has also sent along Cardinal "Chito" Tagle, the world's oldest teenager, who has promised to dance, sing, and burst into tears wherever appropriate.

The present and future popes? Cardinal Tagle shows off his dancing skills.

In return, Harry and Meghan have agreed to write some passages for Ecclesia Woka Sit ("Let the Church be woke"), the Pope's next encyclical. They will also persuade some of their friends to contribute: these include Chelsea Clinton (already a participant in an online Vatican conference on health), Greta Thunberg, professor of climatology at the university of Truanzee, Deacon-in-training Joseph Biden of the Devout Catholic Church of Washington, and of course Bill and Melinda Gates from the charitable foundation known as Help the Rich Get Even Richer.

A harmless side-effect of the Gates vaccine - you turn into a geek.

There are many important issues to be addressed in Ecclesia Woka Sit. A change in the liturgy is planned, in which the priest and congregation will "take a knee" at the start of Mass, in honour of Black Lives Matter*; they will also tear down the statues of any saints who may have links with slavery - for example, by having ancestors or descendants who once wore cotton.

*At least they matter unless they are babies. (Thanks, Chelsea!)

After the recent meddling with the Lord's Prayer ("how foolish of Jesus to get it wrong" as a Pope Francis ally explained to us), more changes are planned, introducing themes such as climate change and transgender awareness and removing the embarrassing bits about forgiveness, temptation, and evil.

Oh praise ye the Floyd!

Priests are also being encouraged to display their pronouns - preferably they/them rather than he/him, although she/her will also be accepted - on sign boards, in church newsletters, and in emails, etc. At the start of Mass, they recommend a form of words such as "Hi, guys, gals and people of all other genders and none, I am Parent James Martin LGBTSJ (they/them), and we're going to have a really swell time today!"

Preparations for the new encyclical are said to be going well, although apparently Meghan has already fallen out with her collaborators. Pope Francis has accused her of bullying, and she has accused the entire Ecclesia Woka Sit team of racism. So it's business as usual.

"It was terrible, Oprah. I called Cardinal Sarah a racist, and he simply laughed at me."

Christians are white supremacists

We are truly grateful to one Jen Bokoff for reminding us that "Merry Christmas" is a white supremacy slogan, and a sign to the world that you intend to enslave people of inferior cultures, and, quite possibly, exterminate them.

That's telling us!

Of course this goes back to the universally recognised fact that Jesus was a blond-haired Aryan type, and nothing whatsoever to do with ancient Judaea. Moreover, as Jen will confirm, His message was not "Peace on Earth" but more a sort of "Let's smite all the foreigners!"

Clearly, "Merry Chistmas" is a totally inappropriate thing to say at Christmastide, and the alternative words "Bah! Humbug!" are the most truly woke way of recognising the feast. There are other things one can do to mark the occasion, such as scream "Black lives matter!" at your neighbour, possibly just after looting a shoe shop or throwing a statue into the river. You might also try saying "Merry Floydmas" in honour of the most saintly person who ever lived. And don't forget to take the knee!

"I never knew I was a white supremacist until Jen told me to Bokoff!"

Our thanks again to Jen for putting us straight on this. Next week, how St Peter was literally Hitler, and why "Happy New Year" is sexist and racist.