How to be a Catholic but still vote for Death

There has been a bit of a fuss in British Catholic circles recently, as one Chris Coghlan, a Liberal Democrat MP (for Americans, these are like Democrats only a bit more muddle-headed), who is also, apparently, a Catholic, decided to vote for the Assisted Suicide Bill. His priest had already made it clear that Catholics are opposed to unnatural death, whether it be abortion, suicide, euthanasia, strychnine in the soup, whatever... and as a result told him that he was now to be denied Holy Communion.

Our hero.

What is Coghlan to do? Complain to the bishop (Richard Moth, who is pretty uncontroversial even if not very exciting)? Get the Observer, a liberal newspaper that is no friend to Catholics, to publish his moans? Flood social media with his whining...?

What many people seem to have forgotten is that - as Coghlan realises - Catholicism is just a one-hour-per-week business. Nobody expects it to affect what you do outside the church!

Is it too much to ask people to go into a church once a week, put on their most holy expressions, sit down, stand up, kneel, whenever other people do, get someone to prod them if they fall asleep in the homily, fork out 5p for a second collection (yes, it's Peter's Pence week!), join in the "kiss of peace" with hearty handshakes all round (try to say "Peace be with you" rather than "I hope you'll be voting for me", Chris!), perhaps even go for coffee and a bit of "networking" with the faithful? THAT'S YOUR WEEK'S OBLIGATION DONE!

Mike Amesbury MP demonstrates the sign of peace.

And if for some reason you can't join the queue for Holy Communion you can always take your phone out and do some texting in those five or ten minutes.

Good grief, it would be intolerable if Catholics started doing Catholic things OUTSIDE the church! In the UK you can probably be arrested these days for publicly uttering offensive religious slogans such as "Bless you" when people sneeze or "Goodbye" (i.e., God be with you) when you take your leave of someone. ("Allahu Akbar", a sort of "I see you're off, mate", is allowed of course, since that is DIVERSE.)

Then, should you be letting your faith influence your actions - do you dash into the road to a rescue a golden-haired child from an approaching steamroller, or do you leave her feeling a bit flat? The first is what most Catholics would do, but the second is nearer to the "assisted dying" spirit that many MPs prefer.

A moral dilemma.

Some people have argued that people who want to become MPs should warn their electorate of their beliefs. Perhaps by wearing little stars when they appear in public.

In the USA all this is far easier - you can be a pious and devout Catholic while promoting abortion, and you can even be a priest while promoting LGBTSJ stuff. In the UK it's harder to get away with that sort of thing.

These are deep questions. If only there were some sort of organization that could tell Catholics what they should be doing! Apart from the Observer and the Liberal Democrat Party, I mean. Any suggestions?

Amy is the wrong sort of Catholic

So, RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court, the one who ate broken bottles, killed rats with her teeth, wore barbed wire next to the skin, and was strongly suspected of turning into a werewolf at the time of the full moon (as P.G. Wodehouse would have put it). Who can possibly replace you?

Well, it would have to be a lawyer, and other good boxes to tick are (1) being female or possibly gender-fluid, (2) being black or at least not white, (3) being a socialist, anarchist, or at least a liberal, (4) having no perceptible religion that might influence how you live your life, although atheism would of course be optimal.

So who do they get to replace Aunt Ruth? Amy Coney Barrett! She ticks Box 1, but not the others.

The most evil family in the world?

Problem 1. She is a Catholic.

Solution 1: No problem really. After all, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi are Catholics! It's just a label, which may attract some voters. You don't have to make a religion of it! Just turn up at church once a year for a photo-opportunity with a bishop. Otherwise, you can campaign on LGBT issues and push abortion to limits that even King Herod would have been embarrassed about.

Problem 2. Oh, but she does make a religion of it. She's strongly pro-life.

Solution 2. Awkward.

Problem 3. Still, you can't be pro-life unless you follow the "seamless garment" philosophy. You won't catch her adopting kids, especially not black kids; I don't imagine she does anything charitable. Not like Joe Biden who gave 3 dollars to charity last year, even if it was tax-deductible. And I'll bet she would abort a Downs kid without thinking - what a hypocrite, eh?

Solution 3. Actually, she's adopted two black Haitians and has a Downs kid.

Problem 4. Gotcha! Cultural imperialism. I'll bet she chains the black kids up at night and sends them into the fields to pick cotton during the day time. And a Downs kid! What a sadist! She just likes to see him suffer.

Slavery. Or sadism. Or racism. Or something.

Solution 4. No, they seem to be a happy well-balanced family. No drug addicts, no mysterious money from Ukraine.

Problem 5. Well, she's obviously a white supremacist then. Don't worry, we'll find something against her. Probably she touched someone inappropriately 30 years ago.

Solution 5. Like Biden did last week, you mean?

No, no, no! Biden is a Democrat. He can do no wrong! Amy is a Republican, and so EVIL EVIL EVIL.

ISIS and IRA unite against Cardinal Dolan

After Cardinal Dolan made the assertion that ISIS is to IRA as Muslim is to Catholic, both ISIS and the IRA have united in condemning his words.

A fascinated baby stares at a dummy.

Said Seamus O'Ballyclava of the IRA, "These words of Dolan's are despicable. We are a peace-loving organization that shoots people rather than decapitating them. What's more, all we want is a united Socialist Ireland, and we are not in the least interested in Catholicism."

Said Jihad Jimmy of ISIS, "These words of Dolan's are despicable. We are a religious army, similar to your own Salvation Army. We're not very good at shooting, so we throw people off the top of high buildings and remove their surplus heads. What's more, we are deeply religious Allah-fearing people, and we throw our shoes at Cardinal Dolan."

"Here comes Dolan!" Three Irishmen adopt Islamic customs.

Both: WE HATE DOLAN.

Said Seamus, "You know, Jimmy. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship between us. I think we could learn a lot from you. Tell us more about decapitation."

Said Jimmy, "Brother Seamus, you may be an infidel, but you're our sort of infidel! How can we get away with murder by becoming involved in a 'peace process'?"

When terrorists become respectable.

Ecumenical negotiations continue.

Russell Brand becomes a Catholic

The comedian, actor, radio host, author, and activist Russell Brand has announced to his adoring fans that he has become a Catholic. Apparently, after flirting with revolutionary socialism for a month ("which is longer than most of my affairs last") he has decided to become a revolutionary Christian instead.

Pope Russell I (as he will be known).

Brand admits that he is new to this "religion business" but expects to rise quickly through the ranks, and to become Pope shortly before giving up the whole thing out of boredom. When we asked him if he had received the "call" from God, he replied, "Yes, and He left a very rude message on my Ansaphone! Such people should be locked up!"

Apparently, Brand has a new book to sell (the Gospie Wospie according to St Russell), which contains many valuable new insights into the life of Jesus, who is revealed to have been a comedian, actor, radio host, author, and activist, secretly married to St Katheryn of Perry. "I'm really writing about the only thing that interests me," admits Russell, "Myself!"

According to Wikipedia, Brand describes himself as "a person who’s trying to live a decent, spiritual life". If that is really the case, he may not get very far in the Catholic hierarchy within the month or so that he has given himself to take over the Church. But who are we to judge?

Lookalikes: the Million Mask flag, and the ISIS flag.

Anglicans and Catholics

The foundation of the Church of England is recorded in Matthew 16:18, when Our Lord says "Thou art Peter; and upon this rock I will build the Church of England," and Peter replies, "Thanks, Lord. I was thinking of appointing a few women bishops and actively homosexual priests, if that's all right with Thee..."

What I really need is a synod to tell me what to do.

The Catholic Church did not break away from the Church of England until 1536, when Pope Paul III decided that he could not accept the Anglican doctrine on marriage put forward by Henry VIII, the head of his church and defender of the faith. Since then other religious groups have seceded from the Church of England, such as the Methodists, Baptists, Quakers and Mormons (the Jews and Muslims left rather earlier).

The simplest way to tell the difference between traditional Anglican worship and the breakaway Catholic worship is to look at some examples.

The traditional dignity of an Anglican service.

This may be contrasted with the following.

A typical Catholic Mass.

There is even a difference in the behaviour of the clergy, although the Catholics have copied the Anglicans in calling their ministers "priests" and "bishops".

The quiet nobility of an Anglican bishop.

Contrast the above with the following example of a Catholic bishop.

No comment.

Obama solves the Irish question

There was excellent news in Northern Ireland this week, when Barack Obama, a retired lawyer now holding an administrative job in Washington, announced the solution to the Irish question, which has evaded the greatest minds for over 200 years (or 500 years, by some accounts).

Now, are you guys Protestant Muslims or Catholic Muslims?

Said the sage of Honolulu: If Catholics have their schools and buildings, and Protestants have theirs ... that encourages division.

Lord Bannside and Martin McGuinness agree on something - that Obama is a complete fool.

Thus, in brief, the Obama plan for peace is as follows:

1. Catholics and Protestants to combine their church schools
and teach exactly the same thing. 
2. Catholics and Protestants to share churches and have joint 
services.
3. Well, actually, the POTUS would like all churches to close.
4. Obama to become Pope and Moderator of the Free Presbyterian 
Church of Ulster. 
5. Catholics and Protestants to stop complaining about Obama's 
support of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
6. Not to mention abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.

We need more "Star Wars" Masses and fewer "Jesus Christ" services!

Obama later clarified his position: "Religion is fine by me, really, provided that you don't let it affect your behaviour. Model your conduct on that of my great friends Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi - they're pious, devout and humble Catholics, but also powerful voices against religion!"

"And you can take that cross down, for a start!"

Having solved the Irish question, Obama is moving onto the Middle East, where his simple recipe for peace will be: Why not just combine Islam and Judaism into one faith, and call it Judlam? Or better still, join the Catestants and Protholics and make one big religion called Obaminanity?

Finally, Obama faces his biggest challenge of all, to bring reconciliation between God and the Devil.

The Apocalypse. Could it be averted if God and Satan agree to worship Obama?