Cardinal Nichols joins Twitter

Somebody claiming to be Cardinal Vincent Nichols has joined Twitter as @cardinalnichols. Since the Westminster Diocese account seems to endorse him, we have to believe that this is the real Vin posting, and not a rude and naughty sockpuppet.

The good cardinal's first tweet already contains two gaffes, for he refers to the Corpus Christi procession starting on Sunday from Farm Street Church. So, he'll be setting off three days after the pope, and he's chosen a church associated with the infamous "gay masses". Oh dear, perhaps someone is trying to make him look silly, after all.

Pope Francis celebrates Corpus Christi on the correct day.

As the Synod of the Family (Part 2) gears up for action, all the sides involved are trying to keep a high profile, rather as if the Holy Spirit were going to be swayed by whoever shouted the loudest. It cannot be long before the great Cardinal Kasper ("the pope's jester") makes an appearance on Twitter, perhaps with a "deranged tweet of the day" to entertain his followers. The pope said this... the pope didn't say this... I know the pope thinks this... I never said that the pope thought that...

Of course some senior clergy have no trouble with computers.

The Bishop of Lancaster reads his favourite blog (apart from this one).

Anyway, your Eminence, I know you're a great fan of this blog, so do take a bit of advice. Try and say something spiritually nourishing, not just the usual celebrity Twitter-stuff such as: @cardinalnichols Having a glass of wine with my fish today. Only Vin ordinary lol.

Vincent Nichols enjoys one of Eccles's jokes.

Here's a suggestion, Cardinal. You could, for example, quote bits of the Bible at us (it's the large black book on your shelves, covered in dust), or simply tell us what a great idea marriage is, when considered as a contract for life between a man and a woman. Still, if you want, I can lend you a joke or two about the pope's recent and very humble appearance with tatty sleeves - something about his making too many off-the-cuff remarks? Ha ha ha. Well, my aunt liked it.

Be not a-frayed!

P.S. I've been wearing shirts with frayed cuffs for years, but until now I didn't know I was a leader of fashion. Next, the pope will be copying my holey socks.

Cardinal Nichols shocks the world

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, the so-called "Pope's fruitcake", shocked the world today by celebrating a totally orthodox and traditional Mass. Said one eye-witness, "I came to Westminster Cathedral expecting to attend one of his famous 'gay' masses, but he used the traditional Latin liturgy, and even seemed to understand what most of it meant."

Vincent Nichols rejected the traditional "Farm Street" vestments.

Apparently, as a concession to the cardinal's Liverpudlian roots, the communion anthem was Anfield's Numquam ambulabis solus*, but otherwise there were no innovations. Said our eye-witness "I was expecting to hear a reading from the epistle of Tina Beattie to the lost people of Roehampton, or perhaps Michael Coren's Catholics, dontchahatem? or even selections from the Timothy Radcliffe Bumper Book of Heresy, but in fact we had nothing but orthodox Catholic doctrine throughout."

*Use Google translate or ask Fr Hunwicke, if you don't understand this.

Cruel words about Michael Coren.

Things became even more shocking at the communion stage, when a homosexual couple was told that they could not take communion. "We had just said the bit about 'Domine, non sum dignus', when the cardinal interrupted with, 'That means you, buster. Clear off!'"

Vincent Nichols concluded the Mass by processing down the aisle to the bookstall, where there were huge piles of unsold copies of the Tablet. "By the powers granted to me as a Prince of the Church, I banish thee to the Pit from whence thou came!" he cried, and sure enough a mighty wind blew up and swept all the copies of the wretched publication back to the depths of Hammersmith. "Result!" shouted the Cardinal, this being the traditional way of concluding the Rite of Exorcism.

Cardinal Burke congratulates Cardinal Nichols on his performance.

Said Deacon Nick Donnelly, a prominent retired blogger: "This is dynamite! Thank goodness that Bishop Arnold and Bishop Campbell caused my blog to be voluntarily shoved down my throat! I wouldn't have known what to say!"

Late news: Vincent Nichols is said to be feeling unwell.

Vincent Nichols to be new Dr Who

We can reveal exclusively that the BBC has offered the role of the 12th Doctor Who to Vincent Nichols, 67, Archbishop of Westminster and part-time spiritual leader.

The new Doctor poses outside his Tardis.

It is thought that Pope Francis had a hand in Archbishop Nichols's appointment, which can be seen as a consolation prize for his failure to obtain a role in the long-running soap opera The Cardinals.

Some people had suggested that the Dr Who role might go to a woman - actresses such as Tina Beattie and Catherine Pepinster were suggested - but, in the end, the BBC producers decided to remain with tradition, feeling that they did not have the authority to ordain a woman as Dr Who; our Lord Sidney Newman had explicitly called a grumpy old man to be the first Doctor, and the appointment of Nichols is seen as a return to that tradition.

One of the first adventures will involve lesbian lizards in Farm Street, London.

Armed with his new-style sonic screwdriver, modelled on the pectoral cross, the new Doctor will of course be facing his traditional enemies, such as Daleks and Cybermen. However, it may be that some of his adventures will have a more religious emphasis: in particular, we may see the return of the Meddling Monk, who was active in the 1960s.

The Meddling Monk - an old adversary who tried to block Vatican II reforms.

Another foe sure to re-appear before long is the Weeping Angels. In his current role, Vincent Nichols is of course well used to weeping angels - after all, the cries of woe in Heaven whenever a new issue of the Tablet is produced can be heard even in Westminster.

The new Doctor confronts the weeping angels.

It is likely that a new version of the classic Dr Who theme tune will also be produced, and here it is virtually certain that we shall have Paul Inwood's brilliant new arrangement: Wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum ch-ch.

Today the new Doctor was delighted with his new role, especially because of the new opportunities it gives for having his photograph taken.

The new Doctor engages in mind-warfare with a sinister yogi.

Religious gossip of the week

Luckily very few people read this blog, and so we are able to post items of gossip here, safe in the knowledge that we are not offending those church leaders who want their activities kept quiet.

Archbishop rescues sweet kitten from fast lane of M23.

Said the archbishop - who gave his name only as "Vin" - "I was driving back to London from the seaside, with the intention of dropping in a present from Brighton's 'gay community' to the the Immaculate Conception church in Farm Street. Well, I was nearing the end of the M23, when all at once I spotted a poor helpless kitten stranded in the fast lane of the motorway. Of course I stopped at once, ran back, and scooped the kitten from under the wheels of an approaching minibus, driven in the direction of Croydon by a wild-looking deacon. Please don't publicise this gossip, as it will compromise my reputation as a tough Liverpudlian, the hard man of the Catholic Bishops Conference, when really I'm just a big softie."

BBC announces new Prom season.

The BBC has come under criticism for the programme of its new season of Promenade concerts, announced this week. With the Last Night being generally regarded as a religious ceremony, some people have questioned the wisdom of employing a lady, Marin Alsop, to conduct the proceedings on that occasion. However, it is thought that she has been complaining that "Every time they invite me to the Albert Hall they give me a mop and ask me to clean the place."

Far more serious are the accusations of dumbing down - there will be a special evening devoted to the "music" of Paul Inwood, including such favourites as Finger-Snap Alleluia, Go and tell the world and of course Alleluia Ch-ch. Said one distinguished music critic, Damian Thompson of the Daily Custard, "I can understand Dr Who Proms, and even Proms devoted to rap music. But this is a step too far."

Bishop arrested for throwing a snowball.

Meanwhile, President François Hollande's dash for "Mariage homosexuel" in France has taken a more sinister turn, with the arrest of all potential opponents under trumped-up charges. The photo above shows a small demonstration in the Alpes-Maritimes involving the Bishop of Nice, shortly before he was hauled away and guillotined for "délit d'injure homophobe."

Don't mention Kermit Frognell!

Finally, the BBC and practically all newspapers have issued directives to their staff, saying "Don't mention Frognell!" This is a reference to Dr Kermit Frognell, the American abortionist, who is accused of several counts of murder. As one journalist pointed out: "If we start criticising Frognell, we shall have to criticise Obama, whose own views on abortion are very similar. And then we might have to start criticising Harold Shipman, Joseph Mengele, William Palmer, and various other mass-murdering doctors. No, let's just think beautiful thoughts instead. Have you seen this church that looks like a chicken?"

Uncontroversial photo of chicken-church.