Cardinal Nichols shocks the world

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, the so-called "Pope's fruitcake", shocked the world today by celebrating a totally orthodox and traditional Mass. Said one eye-witness, "I came to Westminster Cathedral expecting to attend one of his famous 'gay' masses, but he used the traditional Latin liturgy, and even seemed to understand what most of it meant."

Vincent Nichols rejected the traditional "Farm Street" vestments.

Apparently, as a concession to the cardinal's Liverpudlian roots, the communion anthem was Anfield's Numquam ambulabis solus*, but otherwise there were no innovations. Said our eye-witness "I was expecting to hear a reading from the epistle of Tina Beattie to the lost people of Roehampton, or perhaps Michael Coren's Catholics, dontchahatem? or even selections from the Timothy Radcliffe Bumper Book of Heresy, but in fact we had nothing but orthodox Catholic doctrine throughout."

*Use Google translate or ask Fr Hunwicke, if you don't understand this.

Cruel words about Michael Coren.

Things became even more shocking at the communion stage, when a homosexual couple was told that they could not take communion. "We had just said the bit about 'Domine, non sum dignus', when the cardinal interrupted with, 'That means you, buster. Clear off!'"

Vincent Nichols concluded the Mass by processing down the aisle to the bookstall, where there were huge piles of unsold copies of the Tablet. "By the powers granted to me as a Prince of the Church, I banish thee to the Pit from whence thou came!" he cried, and sure enough a mighty wind blew up and swept all the copies of the wretched publication back to the depths of Hammersmith. "Result!" shouted the Cardinal, this being the traditional way of concluding the Rite of Exorcism.

Cardinal Burke congratulates Cardinal Nichols on his performance.

Said Deacon Nick Donnelly, a prominent retired blogger: "This is dynamite! Thank goodness that Bishop Arnold and Bishop Campbell caused my blog to be voluntarily shoved down my throat! I wouldn't have known what to say!"

Late news: Vincent Nichols is said to be feeling unwell.

Hallowe'en for Catholics

We asked some leading Catholics to comment on the question: should Catholics celebrate Hallowe'en, and if so, how?

This sort of "saved" pumpkin is seen in many houses at this time. (H/T @fortyhigh)

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal.

Unlike in the Vatican, the USA, France, Spain, ... indeed like most of the rest of the world, we have told the English and Welsh Catholics to celebrate All Saints on November 2nd this year - either that or use the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. This is because I am a keen football fan, and nothing is going to spoil my enjoyment of the Newcastle-Liverpool match tomorrow (unless Liverpool loses, which they probably will).

So my Hallowe'en activities will kick off on Saturday night. Some people have said that dressing up as devils and demons is inappropriate for Catholic bishops, but I feel we should value the demonic lifestyle, as it has a lot of good in it. However, I plan to do something different this year: I shall wear a Kieran Conry mask and scare all the ladies!

A recent ecumenical trick-or-treat from Vin and Rowan. Note the pathetic attempt to do "devil horns" behind Rowan's head!

Damian Thompson, journalist.

I have my reputation as a blood-crazed ferret to keep up (© Church Times, 1971), and this year I am planning to dress up as a zombie and terrorize some of my enemies, starting with Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Austen Ivereigh, who are custard-hating liberals of the worst kind. Then I might just drop in at Blackfen and shout "Muahahahahaha!!!" through the letter-box of Fr Steven Fisher.

Damian Thompson in full zombie-costume.

Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Tablet.

We at the Tablet are very supportive of alternative forms of Catholicism, and many of our most loyal staff are witches, ghouls, ghosts, mummies, vampires, creepy things with wings, or gaunt and grisly spectres. I personally am going to knock on doors dressed as Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost; my friend Tina Beattie hasn't had time to get a special costume, so she will be going as a witch. I was hoping to give out free copies of the Tablet to people in the street, but the police advise me that this would be a public nuisance, and so we plan to hand out squishy things dripping with tomato ketchup instead.

Woooooo.... it's Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost!

Canterbury and Liverpool, the Eternal Cities

Various parts of the United Kingdom are thinking about becoming independent in the near future: Scotland, with the hard-hitting slogan "It's Scotch Whisky"; Cornwall ("They're Cornish pasties!"); Yorkshire ("They're Yorkshire's Puddings!"); and even Eccles ("Hands off our cakes!").

None of these areas is particularly holy - with the possible exception of Eccles - and thus the English Church has decided to follow the Vatican model, and find an autonomous base of its own. Canterbury was the obvious location, and this will now become a separate country, to be referred to as Anglican State, with the current archbishop, Justin Welby, taking the title "Pope Justin".

One of the sacred books of the Anglican faith.

In fact, it was thought for a while that Liverpool might be a more suitable site for Anglican State, since it does at least have one cathedral that was not originally built by Catholics: it's the one that actually looks like a cathedral. However, moving to a city that names its airport after a pop singer was too silly even for the Church of England. Moreover, the Queen, as supreme governor of Anglican State, has refused to move to Merseyside, because - as she complains - they'll never let her walk alone.

An Anglican cathedral not built by Catholics.

It is hoped that the establishment of Anglican State will make some of the governance of the Anglican Church run more smoothly. For example, in the Catholic Church it takes a week to appoint a new pope (but two years to appoint a new bishop, because they need to be sure to appoint one who has saintly qualities). The Church of England, on the other hand, took about a year to find someone who wasn't John Sentamu was both deeply spiritual and the sort of experienced businessman of whom Christ would have approved.

Digression: the Church of England Human Resources people insist that aspiring archbishops undergo a gruelling series of psychological tests. Here's an example:

The reigning monarch says you are "turbulent". Do you:
(a) Go into the cathedral to pray?
(b) Buy yourself a stab-proof vest to wear under your cassock?
(c) Apologise and hope for the best?
(d) Book a quick pilgrimage to the Holy Land?

It is thought that the popes of the Vatican and Anglican will have good diplomatic relations. Here they are, comparing notes about who has the funniest rebels in his flock.

"... as the ACTAs said to the bishop!"

Late news: Seeing that Liverpool has been rejected as a site for the Anglican City Richard Dawkins has determined to set up a new atheist republic, Dawkin City, in the Liverpool suburb of Knotty Ash, with himself as Pope Richard. He has even written a national anthem, which will be sung by his people whenever he makes a ceremonial appearance:

We are the Dawky Men, 
Dawkins' little Dawky Men, 
We are the Dawky Men 
Who come from Knotty Ash!

The Dawky Men.

The prophecies of St Damian

Being an account of how St Damian Thompson uttered many wrong prophecies, but finally managed to name the new archbishop of Liverpool.

Malcolm McMahon, on the set of Star Trek.

St Damian Thompson, the Telegraph blogs editor, was known for his visionary predictions of events in the Catholic world. Some of these he obtained from "Inside sources in the Vatican", some by reading tea-leaves (or, more commonly, the dregs of a pot of custard), and some by staring at Toby Young's head, which would light up as a crystal ball and give him mystic visions.

A crystal ball.

One of St Damian's greatest prophecies was made when Pope Benedict XVI resigned, and a new pope was to be elected. St Damian predicted that the Catholic Church would break with tradition and elect Paul Priest, the amateur archbishop of Corby, and author of numerous 100,000-word encyclicals, such as Honestly, Ma'am, you don't know the first thing about ontological paradigm shifts and The time-bomb of Vatican II-type liturgical/doctrinal/moral Vichyist revisionism. But it was not to be.

Paul Priest: good hair, fond of custard, likes the EF Mass. But not elected.

St Damian also spake forth about the reasons for Pope Benedict's resignation, averring that the Holy Father Emeritus had a rare illness, the symptoms of which included a compulsion to dress as a clown and roll on the floor laughing hysterically. Although in many churches this was accepted as normal behaviour, it had pained Pope Benedict to feel that he might end up in the same way. However, the diagnosis proved to be inaccurate.

St Damian also predicted the departure of the Nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, because of certain disagreements with the liberal "Magic Circle" of bishops in England and Wales. It was confidently predicted that Mennini would expire of polonium poisoning, or else would be found with his head bashed in by a bishop's crozier. St Damian even described a possible prime suspect, in case this eventuality came to pass.

A photofit of the prime suspect.

However, Menini survived, and - another great surprise - Vincent Nichols finally obtained his red hat, in spite of his nonchalant attitude towards "gay" masses, the ACTA rebellion, and Professor Tina Beattie.

But even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and St Damian finally obtained the scoop he had longed for. Archbishop Paddy Kelly, the curator of "Patrick's Wigwam" in Liverpool, resigned his office, and all eyes were on possible successors. Would it be Kieran Conry of Arundel and Brighton, known throughout the Catholic world for his traditionalist views and unswerving hatred of ACTA? Or might it be Michael Campbell of Lancaster, he who was so supportive of his deacons' blogging skills? Surely they would not recall Arthur Roche from Rome, a man known for skating on thin ice and closing churches?

No, in the end it was the sheriff bishop of Nottingham who got the job, and Damian Thompson who predicted the outcome, having stumbled across the bishop at his gym, trying on football shirts.

Modernist or traddy? The big choice for McMahon.

For Malcolm McMahon knew he had to face his biggest challenge yet. Would he support Liverpool Football Club with its modernist motto You'll never walk alone, or would he become a fan of its neighbours and rivals, Everton, with their traddy motto Nil satis nisi optimum? Religion was not strong in Liverpool, but football certainly was, and the entire Catholic population of the North of England anxiously awaited the archbishop-elect's decision.

Damian? I've got a tip for you. He's going to support Tranmere Rovers.

Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!