The Book of Numbskulls 1 - the fall of Bosis

Continued from here.

1. In my earlier writings, O Theophilus, namely the books of Brexodus and Covidicus, I told the story of how Bosis led the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt, and how they were hit by a great plague.

2. Now I must tell the tragical history of the downfall of Bosis and his replacement by his servant Trusshua.

On the way out...

3. For by the seventh month, Bosis had lost favour with the people.

4. First, because of his love of cake. For he had held a great feast, at which there appeared on the wall, written in letters of fire, the words MENE PEPEL ARUN HARPE, which is to say "The people of the Beeby Sea have found thee wanting and wish thee to go."

5. Second, there was a man named Pincher, who was accused of pinching two men.

6. But Bosis refused to believe in his iniquity, defending Pincher by saying, "Doth Raab rob? Doth Mogg mug? Is Eustice useless? Well, perhaps yes in this last case, but I cannot believe that Pincher doth pinch."

7. But the end was in sight, for Sajidiah, the bringer of health, and Rishi the Sunakite, the bringer of wealth (or not), now resigned from their offices, followed by many other ministers.

8. And even the aged patriarch, John of Magdala, who had led the Conservatites thirty years earlier, spake from his tomb, saying "It is time for the 1922 B.C. committee to intervene, they that wear grey suits and dwell in smoke-filled rooms."

The spectre of the late John of Magdala.

9. So Bosis admitted that the game was up and a new leader was needed. Besides, he had led the people out of EUgypt (except perhaps for the Irish of the North), reduced their footprints of carbon, and brought prosperity to all. Or so he said.

10. Then there came forth eight brave heroes, all willing to lead the children of Bri-tain into a glorious future.

11. But soon the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

12. So that only Trusshua and Rishi the Sunakite remained.

The race for power.

13. Now the people of the Western Minster preferred Rishi, but the Law of Profits told them that they must consult the humble Conservatites who dwelt among the grass roots.

14. And the lot fell upon Trusshua, and what a lot it would be, as I shall relate next.

Continued in Chapter 2.

Pope Francis, his friends, and his enemies

All right, the secret is out. One Peter Five reports that I have taken the advice of John Major (as given 25 years ago in Private Eye) and bought myself a little black notebook. On the cover I have written BASE TRADS (later corrected, on Rosica's advice, to BASTARDS), as it contains a list of all the Catholics that I hate, and who must NEVER be promoted.

My hero, John Major. Knew how to deal with rebels.

Page 1 is devoted to one man, Cardinal Burke. The man simply won't go away, no matter how much I insult him. When he comes to visit me, I make him sleep in the dog kennel with Austen Ivereigh, and - such is his obsession with obedience - he obeys me. And he will keep asking me to answer his wretched dubia.

Page 2 has many names of base trads, including Sarah, Müller, etc. Memo, it is time to sack Sarah, he's getting above himself. Keeps referring to the authority of Pope Benedict, as if there hadn't been a change of government since then.

And so on, through the other pages.

Still, I do have friends as well. And they're not all Jesuits, I mean, I even have friends who don't roll up their trouser legs, bare their breasts, and do funny handshakes!

My new friend, the Bishop of Hallam (the one with the shirt on).

Ralph Heskett, the Bishop of Hallam, is my new friend, and I really think I shall make him a cardinal soon. He's very hot on ecumenism, and has been telling people how to venerate pagan deities - Buddha, Zeus, that Hindu chap with lots of arms, Stephen Fry, etc. Nobody is going to call him a rigid neo-pelagian, are they? Of course, Vincent Nichols has been doing that sort of thing for years - how do you think he got promoted?

Incidentally, my friend Jimmy Martin SJ is very keen on Buddha - the walls of his room are plastered with photos of men without shirts on: he tells me they are all pictures of Buddha, and are being used for his LGBT researches. I am not sure what he means by that, exactly, and surely he can tell the difference between Buddha and David Beckham? Strange chap.

It's doctrine, but not as we know it!

The other exciting thing I did this week was to develop some new Catholic doctrine, inspired by the Holy Spirit of Surprises. In fact the Spirit surprised me by making me misread my homily. I was supposed to say that Man was nothing without God, but I actually misspoke and said God was nothing without Man! How we laughed. Still, at least I didn't say it infallibly, although I fancy that I shall be getting another irritating phone call from Cardinal Burke... Memo: should have gone to Specsavers.

Someone calling themselves the Abbot of Hackney (although I don't know what monasteries we have there), has sent me an e-mail offering to give me advice on public appearances, the avoidance of gaffes, etc. He or she has also offered to audit the Vatican accounts. A new friend!

My new friend, the Abbot of Hackney.

Pope claims that most Catholics are bastards

Pope Francis, in his usual friendly I-hates-you-all-because-you-is-not-saved-only-I-is-saved style, has claimed that most Catholic marriages are invalid, thereby implying that the fruits of the marriage (kids) are technically bastards.

John Major - also thought that most of his colleagues were bastards.

As has already been pointed out by wiser people than myself*, it is quite likely that most ordinations were also invalid - we can give you a list of prime suspects on request - not to mention Masses, Reconciliation (Penance), etc.

*wiser, but less saved, perhaps.

Having spent the three years of his papacy in accusing Catholics of particular sins (Pope Francis has a particular objection to holiness, faithfulness, honesty, truthfulness and orthodoxy), the Holy Father has now decided to "go for broke" by issuing this general Commination on his Church.

"O God! I've just insulted my own parents!"

Some critics (not us) have responded by suggesting that certain papal conclaves were invalid, because either Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and his mates interfered, or simply because the the cardinals ended up electing a rather dim person who didn't understand canon law. I expect that dear brother Mundabor could tell you more.

However, we should remember that the choice of the Pope is made by the Holy Spirit, possibly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and that God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform. He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm. After one saintly Pope, and one very learned Pope, it is clear that the time had come for the Church to be led by someone very different. You got it.