The Book of St Richard, Chapter 25

Continued from Chapter 24.

1. And Richard continued to age, yet still he failed to grow in wisdom and kindness.

2. Thus it came to pass that his wife Lalla agreed an "entirely amicable" separation with him, for she was finally exasperated by the selfishness of his genes.

3. And no man can say whether she threw plates at him.

Richard, Lalla and K9 (Mark 10) in happier times.

4. So Richard sought solace in good deeds, such as moaning about Brexit, moaning about the Trump that is called Donald, and of course moaning about religion.

5. For he continued to smite the Christians with a series of hard-hitting books, films, television programmes, interviews, tweets, exotic dances, oil paintings, sculptures, cartoons, operas, plays, novels, talking parrots, rude vegetables, and graffiti.

6. All of which bore the powerful message "I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG."

7. Thus Richard crushed the Christians with all the resources at hand, except of course for theology, philosophy and reading comprehension; for in his life as a Renaissance Man he had never had the chance to study any of these.

An angel heareth the words of Dawkins.

8. And Richard continued to be praised by those who hated God, and even in his seventy-seventh year he continued to travel.

9. He even defeated Katie Hopkins, Austen Ivereigh, and Damian Thompson, in a contest to find the politest person in Britain.

10. So it came to pass that Richard was invited to Berke-ley in the land of Cali-fornia, that he might speak on his book, "Another old potboiler", subtitled "Richard Dawkins - the years of martyrdom".

11. For the land of Cali-fornia abounded in atheists, liberals, sceptics, lunatics, freaks, weirdos, and hippies, and was thus only too pleased to welcome Richard to its shores.

"Yeah, man, Richard is a cool dude, don't you know?"

12. But it was not to be. For when crushing the Christians, Richard had not hesitated in mangling the Muslims as well.

13. And if there was one sin for the children of Cali-fornia, it was intolerance: except, curiously, intolerance of Christianity, which was often encouraged.

14. And indeed the mangling of Muslims is the worst crime of all (except, possibly, telling the transgendered to "get real").

15. So Richard was left to mourn in Oxford; and he wailed profusely and gnashed those few teeth that remained unto him.

Continued in Chapter 26.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 20

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. And Richard decided that the time had come to lay up treasure on earth, ignoring all warnings that moth and rust do corrupt.

2. Thus, following the traditions of L. Ron Hubbard and Sun Myung Moon, he set up a system of payments, whereby the faithful and somewhat foolish could give of their money to the Dawkins Foundation and buy Enlightenment.

3. Thus, Richard created six circles, and each circle was filled by progressively more gullible people.

4. Seven circles were there not, neither five circles, but six. And Richard was at the centre of all these circles, as was right and just.

$1000 annually for membership of the Glorious Circle of Honey.

5. And the first circle was called the Glorious Circle of Honey: and it commemorated Richard's great war against the forces of Islam, in which his honey was taken from him at an airport.

6. And those that paid to join the Glorious Circle were fed with milk and honey until they wanted no more.

7. Also, they were given the prestigious DAWKINS INITIATES MEDAL, and could write the letters D.I.M. after their name.

8. Next, there came the Wondrous Circle of Gallifrey, priced at two thousand five hundred pieces of silver per year, wherein the members were entitled to additional benefits, including a cup of tea with Mrs Dawkins, she that they called Lalla.

Lalla explaineth her husband's writings to a disciple.

9. And the members of the Wondrous Circle of Gallifrey were awarded the DAWKINS UNIVERSAL MEDAL OF BRILLIANCE, and wrote the letters D.U.M.B. after their name.

10. Then (keep it short, please. God) there were four further circles of Hell Enlightenment.

11. The Noble and Imperious Circle of Blind Watchmakers, five thousand pieces of silver. Additional benefits, including one dinner a year with la famille Dawkins (Richard, Lalla and K9). Dinner cooked by Lalla, Richard promiseth to do the washing-up, and K9 walketh with thee in the streets of Oxford.

12. The Effulgent and Inscrutable Circle of Selfish Genes, ten thousand pieces of silver. Free admission to Dawkins's house once a week, and unlimited use of Dawkins's toilet, whereon he composeth his tweets.

13. The Lustrous and Ineffable Circle of Devil's Chaplains, twenty-five thousand pieces of silver. For him who reacheth this circle, Richard cometh to his house once a year to unblock the drains and do other odd jobs.

Richard demonstrateth his skills at flower-arranging.

14. Finally, there was the Supreme, Magnificent and Dreadful Circle of Deluded Gods, priced annually at one hundred thousand of those pieces known as "bucks".

15. And a mighty message was proclaimed: "If thou reacheth this level of wisdom, O mortal, Dawkins will bow down and worship thee - or at least worship thy money - and he will lick thy boots clean with his own blessed tongue."

Dawkins serenadeth a member of the Supreme, Magnificent and Dreadful Circle of Deluded Gods.

16. And the multitudes spake, saying "Surely that man will do anything for money?"

Continued in Chapter 21.

---

The book of St Richard started here.

Darkins denies the existence of light

Professor Richard Darkins has launched another scathing attack on those "gullible" folk who believe in the existence of light.

Richard Darkins - refuses to walk in the light.

Darkins is well-known for his books written in Braille, such as The watchmaker with no disability and The Light Delusion. These books insist that light does not exist, because if it did he would be able to see it. Darkins is prepared to remain open-minded on the existence of the sun. "Sometimes it gets quite hot, I can feel that," he said, "but no rational person believes that there is such a thing as 'light.'"

A "vile and bigoted" sun-worshipper.

The good professor set up the Richard Darkins Foundation for Reason and Science, in order to propagate his ideas that light does not exist. One sect that he has particularly attacked is the Lunatics - fanatical believers in the light of the moon, who use the crescent as their symbol. Two days ago, the RDFRS website was hacked by lunatics, and the general view was that it was a great improvement.

Mrs Darkins with Richard's guide-dog, K9.

Darkins's views are not universally accepted, and many people ridicule his aphosist stance. A few years ago he was slightly injured when trying to drive a bus round London, bearing the message "Light probably does not exist": after going strongly for half a mile, he then crashed into a lamp-post.

We spoke to Francisco Bergoglio, a retired chemist who now holds an administrative position in Rome. "Darkins means well," he said, "but he doesn't have a sound academic background in logic and reasoning, and he does tend to get confused. He sends me hate messages, because some of my staff like singing songs such as Newman's 'Lead, kindly, Light.' He tells me that a belief in light is responsible for everything that's wrong in the world."

A totally pointless "light" house.

Dakwins is commin

Our unsaved freind Farver Arfur knocked on de door in a grate panick, and said "Help, hide me! Proffesor Dakwins has discovvered dat I is reely a preist in good stand-in after all, and he is commin to arrest me!"

Our freind is talkin of de famuous Proffesor Richard Dakwins, author of many grate books, such as De Sellfish Watchmaker and De Gene Dellusion. As reggular reeders will know, he once gave my bruvver Bosco a prize for promottin athiesm so well with his luvvly blogg. Dis Dakwins is very unhappy cos he once wanted to arrest de Pop and everryone told him to stop bein a loony.

Pussonally I fink dis Dakwins aint real, I sent him my watch to repare, cos it was broken, and he never repplied.

Still, Farver Arfur is worried, becuase he is now Nubmer One on Dakwins's hit list. "Dakwins aint scared of de Pop now, cos he knows I got more infleunce," explaned our freind. "Sometimes I has to put de Pop straihgt when he shows tradditoinalist tendencies." It is true dat Farver Arfur has memorized all de Catacoms of de Churhc off by heart, so dat he can tell poeple like de Pop whennever dey is breakin dem.

"Ain't de Pop infallible like you?" I asked Farver Arfur. He explaned dat once every so often de Pop wakes up in de mornin and says "Ho hum, I is feelin infallible todday, I finks I will say somefink to wake em up." Of cuorse, he dont dare do dat wivvout askin Farver Arfur's advice first.

Dere is also a grate freind of Dakwins who is a phillosopher wiv funny hair, called Grailing. We fink he may be easy to spot if he turns up. Here is a pitcher of him and Mrs Dakwins talkin to an iddle.

Dat probably aint a dogg, so rellax and stop worryin.

"Has we got a costume holly man preist's hole in de huose, Bosco?" I asked my dere bruvver.

Well, we has got a cellar, but Anti Moly took it over, in case at 4 a.m. she needs a little drink for her poor parched thraot, after screemin at her lapptop all nihgt.

But it turns out dat we has also got a sort of cubpoard, where Farver Arfur may hide if Dakwins ever turns up. Dis is a pitcher of him in good standin outside it.

We was worried dat Anti Moly mihgt bettray Farver Arfur's whereabuots to Dakwins, but she says it is only woeful traddy Cathlics dats she hates, and dat you wuold never geuss dat Farver Arfur was relligiuos at all. So dat's OK.