Magi "traumatized" after being asked where they came from

Bethlehem, 4 B.C. approx.

The three Magi, Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar (real names: Chas Parr, Mel Keir, and Bill Tazzer), have declared themselves "totally stunned" after they arrived at the stable in Bethlehem and were asked where they had come from.

The question you must never ask.

After travelling for several weeks from Persian lands afar, the three kings presented their offerings of gold, frankincense and myrrh, which they claimed to have bought in a gift shop in Bethlehem, even though the items were in a bag bearing the legend "Ali's Bazaar - eveything for your Adoration needs".

On being asked "Where do you come from?" they originally replied "Hackney" (a suburb of Jerusalem), although it was later revealed after a gruelling 15 seconds of traumatic questioning that their background was more exotic.

"We're not angry with the Holy Family," said Chas. "All we want is for them to be driven out into Egypt."

It was later revealed that the three men had a history of baiting royalty, and that King Herod himself was deeply upset by what they said when they visited him. However, Herod did not ask them about the origins, so history is sure to look kindly upon him.

"Well, winding up King Herod was a good start. What shall we do next?"

The mystery of the shepherds

Many writers have speculated about the identities of the Magi, most recently Fr Dwight Longenecker. Clearly, many questions are still to be answered, of which the key ones are:

• were there three of them?
• were they wise?
• were they men?

Indeed, next Christmas's blockbuster by Fr James Martin SJ is expected to reveal that they were five women deacons wearing dalmatics.

A traddy nativity scene, unsuitable for modern use.

Traditionally, at least, there were three wise men, called Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, but nobody knows how many shepherds there were, nor any of their names.

My own detailed research suggests that there were three shepherds (because Biblical stuff comes in threes, sevens, twelves and forties). I thought at first that Baa-lamb was a shepherd, but many scholars now say that he kept a donkey, and was nothing at all to do with the first Christmas.

Shepherds only! Clear off!

A study of the Archers, a long-running religious radio programme broadcast by the BBC, suggests that one of the shepherds might be called Walter Gabriel, originator of the phrase, "Me old pal, me old beauty", although Gabriel is also the name of an angel, so one cannot be sure.

The Tony Hancock character Joshua Merryweather (another Biblical name!) is also a possibility, with his classic hymn of praise (now available in The Graham Kendrick Book of Hymns for Today):

I've got mangel wurzels in my garden, 
I've got mangel wurzels in my shed,
I've got mangel wurzels in my bathroom,
And a mangel wurzel for a head.

Were these the three shepherds?

Well, it's all very mystifying. Also, why did the angels summon shepherds to the manger? Why not celebrities - by which we mean actors, footballers, comedians, politicians, professors of zoology, professors of human flourishing, etc.? Or even celebrity clerics, bloggers, and professors of theology, who could have explained what was going on? It all sounds like an almighty mix-up.

"There will be a time for the canonization of King Herod," explains a distinguished professor.

Note: "While shepherds washed their socks by night / All seated round the tub" is © The Graham Kendrick Book of Hymns for Today.

Pope Francis banned from Britain

Following the Home Office's decision to ban the entry of three persecuted archbishops from Iraq and Syria (Sharaf of Mosul, Shamani of Nineveh Valley, and Alnemech of Homs and Hama), who were invited to participate in the consecration of a Syrian Orthodox cathedral, it has now been revealed that a similar discourtesy was extended to Pope Francis.

The three archbishops, sighted somewhere near Calais.

This is apparently the true explanation of why the Holy Father will be visiting Ireland, the land of "Enda Life" Kenny, in 2018, but not the bigger island next door.

Said a spokesman for Amber Rudd, the Home Secretary. "We received a visa application from an elderly Argentine called Bergoglio, who admitted to being in rather poor health. We are concerned that he may wish to stay here permanently (apparently, he is currently living in Rome and finding things a little hot there), and indeed he may want to use our National Health Service, which is well known to be the best in the world. So obviously we turned the old man down, especially as he was clearly poverty-stricken, being still obliged to work at the age of 79."

"We've found this 53-year-old woman who says she's totally lost."

Said Vice-pope Grima Spadaro, "We haven't totally given up hope of getting a UK visa for Pope Francis. Following the advice of Giles Fraser, we are going to tell people that he's a teenage Muslim, as apparently Britain needs these more than archbishops. The trouble is, the pope is very bad at filling in visa application forms, especially the parts requiring explicit yes/no answers."

Pope Francis adopts a disguise in order to sneak through immigration.

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

The apparitions of Muddlejorge

It is likely that the Vatican will soon rule on the authenticity of certain apparitions that have manifested themselves to Pope Francis, apparently with the aim of confusing him (hence, "Muddle Jorge"). Since their messages appear to contradict all Catholic teaching, it is likely that they will be declared bogus.

A vision of St Caspar

St Caspar, one of the three Magi, is said to have appeared in a dream to the pope, telling him that divorced homosexuals should be allowed to marry other homosexuals in church - and by the way, the Holy Father should ignore everything that St Balthasar said, because he was "a bit African". It is unlikely that this vision of St Caspar will be authenticated.

Peter ("Cardinal Pell ate my hamster") Saunders

Peter Saunders, the Chairman of the SBGPE (The Society for Blaming George Pell for Everything), is another who pops up regularly with unconvincing pronouncements. It is hoped that he will soon be "moved aside" to a place where poisonous rubbish isn't out of place - so perhaps a career at the Tablet awaits him.

Pope Francis and the late Fr Volpi

Well, De mortuis nil nisi bonum, as the Latin Mass has it, or So, farewell, then, as the modern translation puts it, so we can't say more here. Anyway, we're just off to a champagne party organized by the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

But the visions of Muddlejorge are a load of nonsense, aren't they?

Three wise men turned away from Blacklefen

1. When Jesus was born in Blacklefen in the days of Fis-herod the king, there came three wise men from the East, saying, "Where is He who hath been born King of the Jews? For we have seen His star in the East and have come to worship Him."

The three wise men, somewhere on the M25 motorway.

2. When Fisherod the king heard this, he was troubled and said, "We don't want any of your sort here, thank you very much. Worship of the Messiah is reserved for local people, and ye have come from afar."

3. "For did not the prophet Smiff decree that we should give priority to the humble shepherds, who abide in the fields nearby?"

4. For there were indeed shepherds at hand, and their worship was conducted in simple words such as "Wurr! Tis a foine day!" because they had learned their trade from listening to the Archers.

"Ooh arr, there's good news, lads," saith the angel in the tongue of the shepherds.

5. "Moreover, O wise men, ye have come from afar," said Fisherod, "and ye speak not the local tongue of Blacklefen."

6. For the wise men had studied the language of the Roman empire, which is called Latin; indeed, it had been encouraged in the days of King Finiganus, he that now reigned over the gates of Mar.

Three less-wise men worshipping at the gates of Mar.

7. "Alack!" said one of the wise men, "we have nowhere else to worship. Also, we bring costly gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh, such as might stimulate the domestic economy of a young couple bringing a Messiah into the world."

8. "What tales we shall have to relate," said another one. "Surely the evangelists St Zuhlsdorf, St England, St Eccles and St Mundabor will tell of our deeds. Yeah, and St Damian, he that is called the Spectator."

9. But Fisherod charged them not to speak of these matters (so it is somewhat lucky that an account hath come down to us), saying that it was sometimes a mortal sin to report the truth.

10. Thus the wise men said Adstringite illud pro alaudida! which, loosely translated, means "Stuff this for a lark!" and returned to their own homes.

A lark, like unto that for which it was stuffed.

Two of the three wise men turn out to be fools

Biblical scholars have been very excited this week because newly-discovered accounts of the lives of the three wise men - Kasper, Müller, and Baldisseri - have been released, suggesting that two of them were "really rather silly".

According to the latest news, the only one of the three men who was actually wise - Müllchior - became very annoyed with a "religious" woman called Elsie Dubyarr, who had been pushing the boundaries of doctrine to breaking-point. It seems that she had given an Outstanding Leadership Award to King Herod, praising him for his novel approach to the under-2s.

Elsie Dubyarr and friends model the new "women religious" uniform.

Cardinal Müllchior felt that this was a heresy too far, and told her to go and sit on the naughty step until she could learn how to behave properly. However, his fellow-magus, Cardinal Casper, seems to have disagreed, suggesting that it was time to look again at church doctrine on infanticide. "After all, we shall soon be living in the 1st century" he pointed out, after checking his diary. "Oh, and aren't you sick of people being heroic? I know I am."

Cardinal Casper on his way to church.

Cardinal Balthassari, the third and wackiest of the "wise" men, suggested that church doctrine should evolve in time, so as to give God a chance to think again. "Don't some of us open our mouths without really thinking about what we wanted to say? I know I do, and I'm sure that God is like that too," he commented. Meanwhile, he suggested, the boundaries of good and evil always were a bit vague, and maybe not to be worried about too much.

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In other news, Richard Dawkins has been catching up on his correspondence. First, he wrote to Gene Robinson, the very holy Episcopalian bishop, who divorced the husband for whom he divorced his wife, to congratulate him on confirming his theory of the Selfish Gene. If you wish to bet on the sex of Bishop Gene's next husband/wife/partner/bit on the side/laptop, then we expect that Paddy Power will be able to oblige.

Dawkins has also decided to sign the famous letter to the Telegraph about Britain not being a Christian country, two weeks after it was published (and in spite of previously affirming the opposite point of view). "I'm also hoping to add my signature to the American Declaration of Independence just to give it a bit more authority," he says, "as I hold it to be a self-evident truth that all men are created equal - except me, of course!"

Richard Dawkins signs the Magna Carta.

Royal Baby Watch

Well, excitement is certainly mounting here in Bethlehem, with news that St Mary is expected to give birth to a royal baby within the next few hours.

Exclusive picture of the royal baby.

We interviewed Mary a few hours ago, when she arrived at the "Jolly Shepherds" inn, and booked into their luxurious Stable Suite.

So Mary, you must be feeling very excited by the prospect of giving birth. Have you thought what you might call your baby?

Yes, we're fairly definite that we'll call him Jesus.

A nice name. And what if it turns out to be a girl?

Let's just say that we'll be very surprised.

Now you won't have the services of a midwife, but I see that you have an ox and an ass standing by to help with the delivery?

Expert medical help on its way to the inn.

Yes, the NHS had nobody else available tonight. It's the Christmas season you know, and lots of people are on holiday.

Now, I'm told that the Royal Baby will be a king. Do you think that this will change your life at all?

Yes, I'm fairly sure it will (...being St Mary she doesn't say "moron" or even think it...) Indeed, it will probably change all our lives.

We've been told that there is a group of Magi on their way to Bethlehem. Indeed, they seem to have caused something of a traffic jam, having got lost in the one-way system.

This SatNav is useless. The star was much better!

Yes, I expect they're on their way to see us. Also some shepherds are likely to be dropping round for tea later.

How about Prime Minister David Herod? I hear that he is anxious to meet your child, too.

No, unfortunately we probably can't stay around for that. We have a flight to Egypt booked.

St Mary, thank you very much.

Well we'll keep you in touch with regular broadcasts and Tweets from Bethlehem, but now back to the studio where we are interviewing the Astronomer Royal about a mysterious star that has just appeared in the sky.

The Astronomer Royal is baffled.

No gossip please!

Galilee, AD 32. The Man known as "Our Lord" has spoken out against the temptations to gossip: it is believed that He was referring particularly to recent work by those well-known religious bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

St Matthew the blogger, with another scoop.

Several news items first revealed in religious blogs are known to have irritated Our Lord. For example, St Matthew posted an in-depth investigation of His ancestry, tracing it back to King David - his blog post "Jesus the Toff" is considered to be in bad taste, challenging as it does Our Lord's claims to be born of quite humble origins, and certainly not as well-off as, say, Owen Jones.

Another gossipy post "What happened to the gold?" reveals that Our Lord's father accepted gifts from three wise men on His behalf, and promptly decamped to Egypt in order to avoid having to declare them on his tax return - ironically, he was only in Bethlehem for tax reasons in the first place.

The Magi Circle - is their loot now in an Egyptian bank vault?

St Luke the blogger is also known to have offended Our Lord, by tactlessly revealing details of the famous "Jerusalem" incident, when He was 12 years old and played truant. It was claimed that He was found three days later, asking questions of some mysterious "doctors" in the temple.

Even St John the blogger, who is generally regarded as being particularly close to Our Lord, has not scrupled to spread gossip about Him. Most recently, Our Lord has been accused of stealing a donkey and riding it into Jerusalem. Some people have also been shocked to learn that He washed His associates' feet. (It seems that He did not wash any women's feet, because it is generally considered unchivalrous to suggest that a woman's feet are dirty...)

Is this linked with the vandalism of a row of palm trees?

Other church leaders have repeated Our Lord's criticism of gossip. Most recently, Archbishop Judas Iscariot has preached a sermon condemning religious blogs. Some malicious bloggers have retaliated by suggesting that ++Judas has something to hide - for example, there are persistent rumours of dodgy financial transactions involving a sum of as much as 30 pieces of silver.

Two wealthy Arabs, in traditional costume, watch events with interest.

As St Mark, another leading blogger, put it, "Writing blogs is generally thought to be a sure way to get on the fast track to sainthood. But if it is going to be condemned at the highest level, then I may give it up, and take to travelling. I've always wanted to see Alexandria."

Alexandria: disillusioned bloggers visit the lighthouse.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

1. So it came to pass that Richard produced the two great achievements of his life, by which he will be remembered by his children; yeah, also by his children's children.

2. But probably not by his children's children's children, who will certainly prefer The Very Hungry Caterpillar to The God Delusion, thus showing that an interest in zoology may be passed on with the genes, even if fanatical atheism may not.

A serious rival to "The God Delusion"

3. We shall speak of The Richard Dawkins Foundation in the next chapter, but now we must record Richard's achievements as a writer.

4. For the time had come for Richard to begin his greatest work. He took the top off his pen, meditated deeply for three hours, and then wrote a sentence that would strike terror into the hearts of all believers everywhere.

5. THE BIBLE DOES NOT EXIST.

6. But then Richard realised that this was too controversial, and he wrote down some alternative propositions.

7. For he said, "Well, maybe the Bible does exist. But it does not mention God. Nor does it mention Jesus. And the people who wrote the Gospels didn't exist. And Jesus did not say the words attributed to Him. Nobody did.

8. And Jesus was not born of Mary, but of someone else. The Magi did not bring gold, frankincense and myrrh; they brought toys, baby clothes, and a pushchair."

Much more useful than a pot of myrrh

9. And Richard continued to write his powerful refutation of religious thought. For he told the world, "Jesus was actually killed during the massacre of the innocents. Also, Jesus did not raise Lazarus from the dead. The man was 'just resting.' And Jesus drowned when He tried to walk on water.

10. Moreover, Jesus did not feed 5000 people, only 4721. It is well known that Jesus was never crucified, in fact He is alive and well and living in Jesus College, Oxford. Finally, when Jesus rose from the dead He found He couldn't move the stone, and decided to die again."

Moving stones like this isn't as easy as it looks.

11. And the people who read these powerful arguments said to themselves, "Why, even if only one of these statements is true, it is surely one in the eye for the Christians, and they will have to close down all the churches."

12. And then Richard learned of our Lord's summary of the Law. And he said "ROFL!"

13. Which, being translated, means, "I cannot love the Lord my God, as He does not exist. And I cannot love anyone as much as I love myself.

The Dawkins family motto

14. For which of my neighbours is worthy of my love? Dr Hahn, who works on the next chicken to me, down at the Zoology labs, he whose mobile ringtone goes 'Cluck cluck cluck,' which is driving me mad?

15. Or the Regius Professor of Topology and Escapology, my neighbour at New College, he who can turn his underwear inside-out without removing it from his body (and how I wish he wouldn't do it in public)? Or old Mrs Jagaroth, my neighbour in our Oxford suburb, she who complains when my wife Lalla throws a party for her old friends?"

A noisy party at Dawkins Abbey

16. So Richard's book was published to great acclaim. For some critics said, "Is it not worthy of a Nobel Prize for Literature? Or at least the Laurel and Hardy memorial prize for knockabout humour?"

17. However, the Oz Foundation awarded Richard their "Straw Man" prize, for they said "He presenteth straw man arguments, which would not convince anyone who had any brains."

"I've always found Richard's 'straw man' arguments very convincing."

Continued in Chapter 9