Scotland Yard investigates Moses

As part of the latest stage of Operation Yewsless, in which the police investigate the lives of dead celebrities to see whether they may have been sex offenders, Scotland Yard confirmed today that it was seriously looking at the Old Testament religious leader and lawgiver Moses. Naturally, most of Moses's alleged crimes would have taken place overseas, but there is a mysterious 40-year period when - according to scripture - he was wandering in the wilderness. This may mean that Moses spent some of this time in a British wilderness such as Croydon, Luton, or Dagenham. In any case the police are co-operating with Interpol on the affair.

Moses. "He gave me some strange tablets," said one contemporary accuser.

Moses is already under investigation by the Egyptian police for the crime of killing an Egyptian citizen (see Exodus 2). As they say round there, "Justice is slow but sure," and they expect to be ready to press charges within the next thousand years or so. But it now turns out that Moses may have done even worse things.

Some people are asking why Scotland Yard is wasting its time investigating crimes against dead people, rather than leaving that sort of thing to historians. Said Superintendent Grave of the Yard, "The alternative would be to use our scarce manpower for chasing modern criminals - burglars, muggers, that sort of thing - and frankly, it's much easier to track down and arrest dead celebrities. They won't be going anywhere."

It has been observed that some police will only investigate burglaries at even-numbered homes, a measure approved of by David Cameron (10, Downing Street), but not George Osborne (11, Downing Street).

St Thomas More. You can die, but you can't hide!

Following the publication of Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall, Sir Thomas More is now also on a list of people the police would like to question. "He may have already been executed on a trumped-up charge of treason, but that doesn't mean that we can't still make life uncomfortable for him," explained Superintendent Grave. "So far we have no evidence against him, other than a general impression from Dame Hilary's book that More was up to no good. Still, we cannot rule out the possibility that he was at the centre of a vice ring involving sex slaves, drugs, and hate crime. After all, he was a Catholic."

William Blake. What were these "arrows of desire" that he boasted of?

Grave of the Yard has also tracked down the author of a familiar hymn about "arrows of desire", and identified him as a Mr Blake, now deceased. "We would like to question Mr Blake, as these "arrows of desire" sound very suspicious to us. We have also ascertained that Blake was encouraging people to sing "songs of innocence and experience". Do I need to say more?

The investigation is expected to finish some time within the next century.

The Pope warns of Climate Change

Now that climate change is generally agreed to be the greatest threat facing the world, rather than, say, war, famine, disease, abortion, etc., Pope Francis is making this the topic of his next encyclical, of which we have seen a draft copy. Here are some of the highlights.

"We'll need a bigger ark," says Noah.

In the book of Genesis it is recorded that God punished the world for its enormous carbon footprint by sending down a great flood. Noah was the only righteous (i.e., environmentally-aware) person around at that time, and he survived the great flood by making an ark out of recycled wood; being keen on biodiversity he took two of every species with him, except possibly dinosaurs and unicorns.

Our climate model predicts a plague of at least one frog.

Over to Egypt now, and the many different forms of climate change that arose from the Pharaoh's insistence on fossil fuels. Water turned to blood, flies, frogs, hail, fire and thunder. Sounds familiar, eh? Things got worse, though. The Red Sea was parted, and this was all because the Egyptians refused to recycle their plastic bags.

Jericho - no wind-farms, and inevitable climate change effects.

As Christians we know that 100-watt bulbs are sinful, and that wind-farms are blessed. It is our mission to preach this gospel to the heathen, or face the environmental consequences, as they did in Jericho.

In April I was lucky to entertain some of the world's leading experts on climate change, as they turned up in their private jets from all corners of the world to tell me of Christ's new message "GET THEE BEHIND ME, CARBON!" Remember the fate of the Gadarene swine? The climate changed, and they had to run into the sea to cool. themselves down.

Jesus and the man possessed by demons (what we would nowadays call a "climate denier").

Finally, we read of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, symbolising the doom we may expect at the end times. Their names were Phew-what-a-scorcha, It's-Brrr-itain, Turned-out-nice-today, and Scattered-Showers-With-Sunny-Intervals. St John was warning us of the threat of Climate Change, and no mistake!

I want you all to pedal very hard to get this plane off the ground.

Satan "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis

Satan, the Dark Lord, has declared that he is "hugely impressed" by Pope Francis, and hopes to meet him one day.

Satan, as seen in The Bible.

Speaking from his home at the Black House, Satan explained: "I read in The Tablet (a very popular magazine down here, by the way) that Pope Francis had changed Catholic doctrine so that abortion, contraception, homosexuality, euthanasia and stealing priests' bicycles were now all encouraged. Moreover, my colleagues the Archdevil Barack and the Witch of Enda Life tell the same story. What's not to like?"

The Archdevil Barack, as seen in an Egyptian newspaper.

A Vatican spokesman was at pains to correct some of Satan's misapprehensions. "We're not exactly sure what Pope Francis said, or what he meant to say, but I am sure that there's been some misunderstanding somewhere," he said. "If the Pope wishes to turn to the dark side, then as a preliminary step he will probably take up liberation theology, join ACTA, and appoint Hans Küng as his special adviser. At the moment it's definitely business as usual."

Satan admitted that he might have made an error: "Perhaps after all the Tablet has got it wrong. It seems that this Pope is particularly keen on helping the poor and needy. I really can't support people who do that sort of thing. It's more than my job on the Brighton Argus is worth."

Pope Francis refuses to accept a stolen bicycle. So no change there.

Royal Baby Watch

Well, excitement is certainly mounting here in Bethlehem, with news that St Mary is expected to give birth to a royal baby within the next few hours.

Exclusive picture of the royal baby.

We interviewed Mary a few hours ago, when she arrived at the "Jolly Shepherds" inn, and booked into their luxurious Stable Suite.

So Mary, you must be feeling very excited by the prospect of giving birth. Have you thought what you might call your baby?

Yes, we're fairly definite that we'll call him Jesus.

A nice name. And what if it turns out to be a girl?

Let's just say that we'll be very surprised.

Now you won't have the services of a midwife, but I see that you have an ox and an ass standing by to help with the delivery?

Expert medical help on its way to the inn.

Yes, the NHS had nobody else available tonight. It's the Christmas season you know, and lots of people are on holiday.

Now, I'm told that the Royal Baby will be a king. Do you think that this will change your life at all?

Yes, I'm fairly sure it will (...being St Mary she doesn't say "moron" or even think it...) Indeed, it will probably change all our lives.

We've been told that there is a group of Magi on their way to Bethlehem. Indeed, they seem to have caused something of a traffic jam, having got lost in the one-way system.

This SatNav is useless. The star was much better!

Yes, I expect they're on their way to see us. Also some shepherds are likely to be dropping round for tea later.

How about Prime Minister David Herod? I hear that he is anxious to meet your child, too.

No, unfortunately we probably can't stay around for that. We have a flight to Egypt booked.

St Mary, thank you very much.

Well we'll keep you in touch with regular broadcasts and Tweets from Bethlehem, but now back to the studio where we are interviewing the Astronomer Royal about a mysterious star that has just appeared in the sky.

The Astronomer Royal is baffled.

Exodus

So we reach Chapter 2 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who hasn't yet got the hang of it. We started with Genesis, remember.

Our story resumes in Egypt.

In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully enough about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.

Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...

An upset police dog.

Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.

Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses helps them escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.

Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.

Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.

If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?

Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences, are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.

Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.

Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed) deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that if the Israelites behave themselves, then they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.

The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle, regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.

Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.

So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.

An Egyptian conference on Anura zoology.

Genesis

This is the first chapter in the Eccles Bible project, where we explain the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard, who knows something about science, but does not really understand life.

Let there be light! Genesis 1:3.

Now, I am not taking a fundamentalist everything-is-literally-true or even a sola scriptura approach in this project. And Richard, old man, if you get to the end of my course and become a protestant rather than a catholic, that's fine too. A great improvement on atheism, I can assure you. Indeed, I'm mostly going to be using the King James Bible: I know you think it's a great piece of literature - although mysteriously, your wife tells me that there are lots of holes in your personal copy, where the words God, Jesus, Christ, Heaven, Devil, Sin etc. have been excised with a pair of scissors (and, oddly, the word Rome, too).

Now there are several problems that Richard finds with Genesis, because he assumes it is intended to be read as a completely literal account of events.

God created the world in six days, ending up with man, and - as an improvement - woman.

Stephen Hawking explains the mathematics behind Genesis, Chapter 1.

Well, it seems that what the authors of Genesis are suggesting is that the universe did come into being, somehow or other, and that gradually different creatures emerged, until one of them became identifiable with the intelligent, thinking, wise beings we see around us today - those who read the Daily Mail and watch Top Gear, and use these media as ways of understanding the deeper mysteries of life.

So God created man in his own image. Genesis 1:27.

Apples, talking snakes, etc. What a load of rubbish!

Now, stop being silly, Richard. The Adam and Eve story as a legend, all to do with Man's attempts to defy the will of God. It does not need to be literally true in every particular to convey a message to us.

Man's downfall. Genesis 3:6.

What's more, although mainstream Christians tend not to believe in the literal truth of a story involving talking snakes, there is no particular reason why a talking snake could not exist - after all, we have talking birds and talking mammals....

A talking gorilla (L) and a talking snake (R).

The rest is all primitive stuff about bronze-age goatherds.

Well, we have to admit that several of the characters in Genesis (and there are many interesting ones, such as Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, and so forth) would have lived in the bronze age, and some of them would have owned goats. But then, Richard lives in the plastic age and wrote a D.Phil. about chickens, so we don't seem to have moved on significantly.

Let's get on to Jacob, and see what he has to say.

Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man. Genesis 27:11.

Well, yes, that's one thing he said, although not necessarily the most important.

Look, I'm a busy man. What is the point of Genesis?

Well, Richard, it's the beginning of Man's story. It shows that people are not perfect, and they commit sins. The best people are trying to understand who God is and what He wants (a question not completely answered to everyone's satisfaction even now). We first encounter Israel - initially an alias for Jacob, but then a name for his many descendants - which will become quite important later on, especially when we get to see God's plans.

Jacob (alias Israel) has an odd dream. Genesis 28:12.

Now you see the problem that Genesis poses for materialists and secularists. First, you have to go for the meaning behind the legends, rather than worrying whether Methuselah literally lived for 969 years or only 96. Second, there are the underlying themes that God is out there and that sometimes we actually do wrong things - even you, Richard. There, there, don't cry, dry your eyes... here's a handkerchief. Now, give us a big blow! Well done.

A fellow of New College, Oxford, discovers that he is a sinner.

Let's take the later part of Genesis as "oral tradition," which someone finally wrote down. It seems probable that Abraham and co. really did exist, and did roughly the things attributed to them. When we eventually get onto the New Testament, we'll see something more in the line of eye-witness accounts, and literal truth will be more important.

So, our story today ends with the people of Israel settling in Egypt. This turns out not to be what they really wanted, but we'll find out more about this when we get on to Exodus.

So Joseph died... in Egypt. Genesis 50:26.

No gossip please!

Galilee, AD 32. The Man known as "Our Lord" has spoken out against the temptations to gossip: it is believed that He was referring particularly to recent work by those well-known religious bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

St Matthew the blogger, with another scoop.

Several news items first revealed in religious blogs are known to have irritated Our Lord. For example, St Matthew posted an in-depth investigation of His ancestry, tracing it back to King David - his blog post "Jesus the Toff" is considered to be in bad taste, challenging as it does Our Lord's claims to be born of quite humble origins, and certainly not as well-off as, say, Owen Jones.

Another gossipy post "What happened to the gold?" reveals that Our Lord's father accepted gifts from three wise men on His behalf, and promptly decamped to Egypt in order to avoid having to declare them on his tax return - ironically, he was only in Bethlehem for tax reasons in the first place.

The Magi Circle - is their loot now in an Egyptian bank vault?

St Luke the blogger is also known to have offended Our Lord, by tactlessly revealing details of the famous "Jerusalem" incident, when He was 12 years old and played truant. It was claimed that He was found three days later, asking questions of some mysterious "doctors" in the temple.

Even St John the blogger, who is generally regarded as being particularly close to Our Lord, has not scrupled to spread gossip about Him. Most recently, Our Lord has been accused of stealing a donkey and riding it into Jerusalem. Some people have also been shocked to learn that He washed His associates' feet. (It seems that He did not wash any women's feet, because it is generally considered unchivalrous to suggest that a woman's feet are dirty...)

Is this linked with the vandalism of a row of palm trees?

Other church leaders have repeated Our Lord's criticism of gossip. Most recently, Archbishop Judas Iscariot has preached a sermon condemning religious blogs. Some malicious bloggers have retaliated by suggesting that ++Judas has something to hide - for example, there are persistent rumours of dodgy financial transactions involving a sum of as much as 30 pieces of silver.

Two wealthy Arabs, in traditional costume, watch events with interest.

As St Mark, another leading blogger, put it, "Writing blogs is generally thought to be a sure way to get on the fast track to sainthood. But if it is going to be condemned at the highest level, then I may give it up, and take to travelling. I've always wanted to see Alexandria."

Alexandria: disillusioned bloggers visit the lighthouse.

Bosco is hot

My dere bruvver Bosco has bin complainin of de heat, well it aint so easy when you is all wrapped up in banddages. In fact many anceint cropses has bin found in Egpyt wrapped up like Bosco, and I am sure it is de heat what killed em off.

In our case it is also perhaps de Solar Scriptura Panels dat we has instaled on de roof of de house "Gauranteed to keep you warm in dis world and de next" dey say.

Even Grate-Anti Moly says she havvin a meltdown, such is de heat. Why she wears dat black dress and a hat in dis wevver, I dunno.

Also Bosco's girlfiend Camila is too hot, but Bosco very kindly carried her outside and dropped her in de pond (de one where de pirahna fish used to be, dat Anti Moly ate up).

Dat is what we calls true chevalry, except dat Camila weren't very pleased, she said she is allergic to runnin water, also mirrors and garlic, as it happens, dese dames sure is strange sometimes.

Bosco he also tried to jump in de pond but he fuond dat he cuoldnt get wet. He was walkin on de watter like Jessus, and much better dan St Peter. Dat's cos he's got a very strong faith and is surely saved. Or maybe de banddages provvides bouyancy.

De probblem still remians how to cool Bosco down, but I found an old fridge in de attic, and he is gonna sleep in dat. It's nice dat it seems to be made de same shape as a person. You wuold almost fink it was an iddle.

De question remains, does we dare go to de Calumny Chappel today wiv you lookin like dat, Bosco my dere?

De eye of Horris

Well, I is gonna stay ever viggilant for ocult cymbals, as well as iddles and poeple bowin down to imagges. Bosco says dat de Eye of Horris (which is from ancient Egpyt) is very danggerous and is a cymbal used by Cathlics. I found it as a gravven image in Anti Moly's bedroom, and I is rather scarred dat it is Sattanic.

I has still got my hands full wiv dem plaques dat is afflictin Bosco. De next one dat we got is loccusts, dem's horrid little critters. Dere's a recippe in the Bibble dat says eat dem wiv wild honey, and Grate-Anti Moly from Austriala says dey is deliccious wiv kaola bear or duck-billed plattypuss (I fink dat's a sort of cat). Bosco aint amussed dat he have to share his bedroom wiv loccusts, as it inteferres wiv his prayers to St Peter. Here is Bosco lookin very annoyyed, dem critters has eaten most of his hair.

Bosco still aint sure why a sinless bein like him is bein afflicted wiv dese plaques. He finks it is a nasty Cathlic trick dat de nunns in de convent is playin on us, just cos we likes screemin "You aint saved, sweetie. Come and join de Calumny Chappel!" frew de Muvver Superrior's window at 4 a.m.

Me, I fink its just dat de Lord aint pleased wiv us, maybe we aint tryin hard enuogh to convert Cathlics. So Bosco have written to de Pop to invite him round for tea, and if he is foolish enuogh to come, den we shall pounce.

Bosco got de plaque

In de Calumny Chappel we often has grate fun readin in de book of Exeters about de plaques of Egpyt, but I is very worried as I fink we has got dem too. It seems dat Jessus is tryin to tell us somefink, and I hope it aint de dread message "Bosco you aint saved. Off to de lake of fire wiv you!"

Actaully I fink it was a mistake of Bosco's to have de nubmer 666 tattoed on his arm, he said it was because Jessus had told him he was de 666th person in de history of de world to be saved. Here is a photo dat proves he got dis tatto.

De plaques started wiv de water turnin to blud. I turned on de tap and out come dis red stuff. Bosco's girlfiend Camila wiv de big teeth, she is delihgted of course (she says it is full of nutrimments). Also, Grate-Anti Moly says dat in Austriala she drinks from billabogs where de water quallity is very simillar, but Bosco and I aint so happy. Luckily after a few hours de water went back to normal, but now we has all got red shirts, cos de washin machine was on.

Dere is also a second plaque of Bosco, dat de Lord has inflicted. So maybe Bosco is like Jobb and dese are test of his great spiritaulity and goodness? Dis second plaque is frogs. Dey is everywhere, in Bosco's studdy where he writes his luvvly bloggs, in de bahtroom, in de beddrooms. We is gettin very tired of eatin "ciusse de grenioulle" (dat's French for frogs legs), and we still has all the rest of de frogs to use up.

Bosco is bearin dis matrydom very well. I hopes we dont get lice next, like in de book of Exeters, as I cant find any recippes for "ciusse de louse", and I fink only Anti Moly would eat dem anyway.

Here is a pitcher of a frogg dat Grate-Anti Moly is keepin as a pet. Dey say pets start to resebmle dere owners, and I fink dey is right.