Jupich Iscariot condemns statement from the other 11 disciples

Jerusalem Times, Good Friday, AD 33.

Cardinal Jupich Iscariot, winner of the World Cup of Bad Apostles, today condemned a statement from the other eleven disciples, which had been issued from a secret address ("The upper room") to mark the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jupich described the statement as ill-considered and felt that its critical attack on Governor Joe Pilaten was inappropriate. Unfavourable comments about the habits of Joe's pet camel, A, were also considered offensive.

Cardinal Iscariot puts on his "angry" face.

The statement from the disciples had been a simple affirmation of Christian doctrine, but this is considered dangerous in today's political climate, and is likely to get many people into trouble with the authorities.

Governor Joe Pilaten is not amused either.

Joe Pilaten himself is generally regarded as a harmless buffoon with an obsession for washing his hands, although the Disciples' statement is very critical of his fondness for taking innocent life (completing a task that his mentor Barack Heroda failed to finish many years ago).

Naturally Jupich, given the choice between affirming Christian doctrine and pleasing the governing authorities in the United States of Judaea, will drop his religious principles every time. Indeed, there are already reports that he is involved in a scandal known as Thirtypiecesofsilvergate. Still, since he is a powerful cardinal, his words will always be heeded, however crass they may be.

How to be a hermit

In these days of plague, many people are being recommended to become hermits (the term is "self-isolation"). These include anyone who has come into contact with the coronavirus, visited the same country as an infected person, seen anything about it on television, or even read Camus's La Peste. So that's all of us.

You can wear a smart suit, or dress like this if you prefer.

Being a hermit is not always easy. There is the true, spiritually nourishing, story of St Honoratus, who went to the Îles de Lérins off Cannes to seek seclusion as a hermit. However, he was too good at it, and soon lots of disciples turned up to see how he did it. As he sat in his cell, he was constantly interrupted by cries of "How's the hermit life going?" "Are you doing it now?" "What happens next?" "Peace and quiet are wonderful, aren't they? I said PEACE AND QUIET ARE WONDERFUL, AREN'T THEY?" And so on.

So if celebrating Mass as we recommended doesn't seem to be working, and you do decide to self-isolate, here are some useful tips.

An axe. In case anyone comes visiting. A sign saying "UNCLEAN!" should keep most people away (it certainly works for us in Mass), but there will always be Mr Nosey from church who insists on doing the Sign of Peace with poor unsuspecting hermits. That was one of the famous sufferings of St Honoratus.

Food. Get stuff that lasts a long time. Eccles cakes are like Tolkien's dwarf bread, and will keep for months. Meat doesn't really last: you may have thought of buying a hippopotamus and cutting a piece off every day, but we really wouldn't advise it. And nor would the hippopotamus.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Toilet paper. 20 rolls per day should be sufficient. Or use the collected works of Richard Dawkins (which is better than they deserve).

Hand wash or soap. Well, if you're on your own, there's really no need to wash at all, and nobody will notice that you smell like a [offensive stereotype deleted]. Still, do scrape off a layer of dirt every month or so.

Spiritually nourishing reading. From the depths of our hearts by Pope Benedict XVI and Cardinal Sarah, is a good choice, because it winds up so many people. Wounded Shepherd, by Austen Ivereigh, one of the people wound up by our first choice, is probably a waste of time, and should join the Dawkins books (see above). The Bible's quite a cracker too - plenty of sex and violence, some jolly psalms for you to sing while washing your hands (if you're fed up with singing "Happy Birthday to you"), and a truly apocalyptic ending, where St John goes to Patmos and unmasks the criminal.

Pontius Pilate sings "Happy Birthday to you".

Happy hermitting!

How can a Pope tell lies?

As the latest instalment in our self-help guide, "How to be a good pope," intended for those of our readers who are already getting themselves measured for the white zucchetto, "just in case," we address the thorny problem of whether a pope can tell lies.

The simplest answer, of course, is no. Infallibility guarantees that, whatever you say, it is automatically true. Of course, as Rex Mottram would put it, you were actually telling the truth in a spiritual sense, but others are too sinful to see this.

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I know nothing."

Let's take a case in point, the sordid story of "Uncle Fred," once one of your favourite cardinals, and now sadly disgraced. Your predecessor as Pope knew about some of his activities, and, when the St Gallstone Mafia launched a coup and got you the top job, he told you all about him, and advised you to keep Uncle Fred chained up in a dungeon. So you let him go.

This is the story told by Archbishop Vinegar, and now other evidence is coming out. Donna Whirly was involved too. In fact it seems that everyone in the Vatican knew about Uncle Fred EXCEPT YOU.

The Pope says he knows nothing!

So many people say you're lying! They really don't understand how Holy Fathers work, do they? Luckily you have friends who know that popes cannot lie (when Peter denied knowing Jesus, it wasn't a lie, it was simply because he had forgotten who He was, it could happen to anyone).

First, there's little Austen Ivory, telling the world that He didn’t know about McCarrick's past, or the sanctions (how could he know?) while at the same time throwing in a few character assassinations, in line with your new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. Other mates will rush to your defence, such as Robert Muckins, who still hasn't recovered from the news that your predecessor, whom he called "The rat" refuses to die. He manages to be even less coherent than Austen, no mean feat!

Unfortunately Fr Martin James LGBTSJ is not available to join in the fun, as he is in hospital having an operation. We have no idea what it is, but when she comes out, she will no doubt support you too.

The Archbishop of Barcelona also knows nothing.

Anyway, here are a few useful phrases which should help you get through this tricky time:

I know nothing.
I have an alibi.
Nobody told me.
I wasn't there.
I plead infallibility.
It's a case of mistaken identity.
It must have been some other Pope.
You don't have any DNA evidence, do you?
If I have a weakness, it's my inability to lie.
If you can't trust the Pope, whom can you trust?
I reserve the right to remain silent.
     (Well, it worked for those Dubia...)

What is truth?

Are you a top Catholic?

As described slightly inaccurately here, 100 rich and famous people in San Francisco have written an open letter to the Pope demanding the removal of Archbishop Cordileone because of his insistence on Catholic values. The comedy PR man, Sam Singer, has been hired to help, and he has made the very important point that these are "top Catholics", not just any old people. Which raises the question: what is a top Catholic?

This is what a top Catholic looks like.

Unfortunately, I have not heard of most of the top Catholics in San Francisco, although they do include Charles Geschke, the president of Adobe Systems. He's the one who sends alerts to my computer every two or three days announcing a new version of Flash Player. Being gullible, I download them, but they never work properly.

However, there are top Catholics everywhere, and we can only gaze at them in wonder. When the "kiss of peace" comes in church, you are not allowed to shake hands with them, but there will usually be an aide available to represent them.

Remember that Jesus said "You cannot serve God and Mammon, so choose one of them. I really don't care which!" To be a top Catholic, you really need to be rich and powerful, so make sure you choose Mammon!

Happy 92nd to Mother Angelica, a highly revered Franciscan nun. Not "top" though.

Who are the two people mentioned in the Nicene Creed, apart from Our Lord? Well, Mary, of course, but the other is Pontius Pilate, the man who liked washing his hands. Pretty "top" I'd say, and without too many religious convictions to get in the way. Unlike Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea who started off "top" but went downhill once they started to take religion seriously.

Chris Patten, named by the Tablet* as one of the most influential UK Catholics.

*Of which he happens to be a Trustee. That proves he is a top Catholic.

Well, you get the point. When the Day of Judgement comes and Christ has to choose between sheep and goats, what will He do? Will He take aside the president of Adobe and say ironically, "You know, your program still doesn't work properly, but you're a top Catholic so come and sit and my right hand," or will he settle for a humble nun who spent her time doing good deeds and saying the Rosary? I've no idea.

The Pope is honoured to meet a top Catholic with no particular religious views.

One last point. It is the season for letter-writing, and now Cardinal Nichols is getting very worried that people may write to the Pope complaining that he is too strict about upholding Catholic teaching. May I implore readers NOT to do this? Thanks.

A medieval French song

The manuscript of a previously-unknown French carol has come to light. It is attributed to the medieval monk Frère Graham Quendrique.

The underdog

Chien j'y sous-chien!
[The singer complains that he is always the underdog.]
Fille d'Islande vif dit farceuse clairet.
[A girl from Iceland says he is lively, but she is a jester who drinks claret.]

The girl from Iceland.

Blé ce spire rite Blaise!
[He invokes St Blaise to condemn a ritual involving binding wheat into coils.]
Ce tour hâtes Enfer!
[This prank hurries one to Hell!]

Beware pagan rituals!

Flou rit va flou!
[Confused, he laughs and goes.]
Fleur de naissance suive graissant merci!
[The flower denotes birth, but afterwards greasing (unction) may follow, thank God!]

Frère Graham looks forward to his deathbed.

Scène de four dur verte,
[The scenery is green, even if toiling at the oven is hard.]
Lourdes en laideur Pilate!
[He goes to Lourdes to atone for the ugliness of Pontius Pilate.]

The ugliness of Pilate.

---

H/T brother Ben Trovato for reminding me of Mots d'Heures: Gousse, Rames. An alternative translation of the song may be found here.

Church Membership in Decline

Jerusalem, Easter Day, AD 33. Shocking figures in this week's Catholic Herald (editor, Matthew Bar-Alphaeus) indicate that Church Membership, which stood at over 5,000 only a few months ago, has plummeted to around 25 (including 11 apostles, various people called Mary, a centurion, etc.)

The Church, in healthier days, at a parish picnic.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea, of the Latin Mass Society, linked the decline to the wrenching changes in the Church produced by the Crucifixion. However, a new initiative, the Resurrection, was announced today; as a result there were predictions that around 500 people might be joining the Church within the next 40 days, with a corresponding increase in apostolic vocations. A further initiative was planned within 50 days.

Dr Joseph of Arimathea - planning a trip to the Glastonbury Festival?

Critics have said that religion as a whole is in decline, partly as a result of the secularising attitudes of Prime Minister "Call me Tibe" Tiberius, regarded by some as a living god with his own temple at Smyrna. Certainly Tiberius has surrounded himself with assistants who are no friends of Christianity, such as one (rumoured to be Pontius Pilate) who this week described the eleven remaining apostles as "swivel-eyed loons" for their opposition to Tibe's policies on orgies, massacres and same-sex marriage.

Conservative Party headquarters, Smyrna.

Internet addiction and Monsignor Ban O'ffee

By Damian Thompson (no photo available)

What the Internet can do to you - an addict in January and July 2012

One of the problems we have at the Telegraph is an addiction to the Internet. As can be seen from the pictures above, in the space of a few months it can turn a glamorous young woman into a raddled old harridan whose natural home would be the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's. Luckily, I have found a solution: by writing dozens of tedious blogs about addiction I have managed to cut the readership of my own blog down to a handful of die-hards. A few more well-placed insults should soon get rid of them as well.

---

Mgr Ban O'ffee

Those who think that Paul Inwood's contribution to the musical and liturgical life of the Portsmouth diocese should be classed with Jack the Ripper's contribution to the night life of London are pleased that an arch-traditionalist, Monsignor Ban O'ffee, has been appointed as the new bishop. Mgr O'ffee is expected to ban all celebrations of the Mass in English, which he regards as a barbarous modern tongue.

Paul Inwood's own songs, of which the most famous are those deeply spiritual works:

The God on the bus goes round and round, all day long,

Pontius Pilate sat on a wall, Pontius Pilate had a great fall, and

Bread-of-life Bread-of-life Jesus, man, bake me some bread as fast as You can,

will certainly not be wasted, as they will be recycled as episcopal toilet-paper.

---

Please buy this book, so that I can feed my addiction to CDs

Damian Thompson (under the pseudonym Sophie McKenzie) has written The Fix, a thrilling crime story. A stranger offers Damian cash to fix a football match. Will he do the right thing? This is a gripping football thriller, particularly suitable for struggling, reluctant and dyslexic teen readers (e.g. people who post on his blog under pseudonyms such as "phil_evans," "Markus River" and "Sanctimony").

Bosco on de atack

Well Bosco had a narrow escape from de Angle of Death. But she is an old friend of Anti Moly's, and she have offerred our Grate-Ant a part-time job. De idea is dat Anti Moly's gonna go rouond scarring poeple to Death. She said, "Dat suonds good. Is I allowed to screem at dem too?" De Angle of Death said, "Yup, we has got a vacancy in de Banshee divvision." I will report on a futture blogg how my belloved Anti gets on wiv dis new career oporttunity which is gonna make de most of her tallents.

Bosco have realised dat we gotta get more vigoruos in our persecuttion of de Cathlics. I found dis photo showin Cathlics doin a crazy rittual where dey bow down to iddles. Dey even calls it Pillates cos in de Cathlic Bibble dey says dat Pontuis Pillate did it. What lies dey tell.

What's more, dey is makin iddles of de Pops, which Cathlics gonna be asked to kiss if dey wants to escape 1000000000000000 years in Purgattory. I read all about it on a website dat Bosco found, so it must be true.

Bein horified by dis wickedness, Bosco and me has develloped a cunning plan. On Sunday we is gonna go into de Cathlic church incoggnito. De preist will preach his herettical sermon, sayin dat all Cathlics gotta kiss more iddles and venerate beads (we knows dis is true as Bosco found an article on de internet about Venerable Beads), and on no account must dey read de Bibble. When we hears dis we shall pounce, and stand up and sing a Calumny Chappel hynm very luodly. Maybe dis one, which is very poppular.

De Lord's my shehperd, I's de sheep,
He dresses me like a clown.
Lord Jessus have saved me from de flood
And left all de rest to drown. Ha ha.

(We doesn't sing "Ha ha", we just gives a big chuckle as we finks of dem Cathlics in de lake of fire.)

Dis is de costume dat Bosco is gonna wear for church, he says dat Father Xavier Pell de Mons will never guess dat it is him.

Dat's a real parrot... it's de one dats been tryin to teach Bosco to say a few simple prhases.

So Sunday will be de day of reckonin for de Cathlics, we gonna save lots of dem. Since no Cathlics reads dis blogg, I fink it is safe to put our plans here, Bosco, my dere bruvver.