How to conduct a presidential funeral

So, it's happened at last. President George Washington has finally expired at the great age of 292, and it is necessary to give him a fitting send-off.

RIP.

As he was an IMPORTANT PERSON, it seems that a funeral service in the (coincidentally named) city of Washington would be appropriate. Of course he wasn't a Catholic, so it won't be possible to arrange a funeral conducted by his old friend Uncle Ted McCarrick, or even by his equally distinguished successors, Donald Wuerl, Wilton Gregory or Robert McElroy.

Still, George was a devout Christian, and so this should be reflected in the arrangements for his funeral.

THE LITURGY: Include a deeply religious hymn about Heaven, which is where you rather hope he will end up. For example, Hymn 666:

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try:
No hell below us,
Above us, only sky.

A very popular song among some Christians. Later on we have:

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to kill or die for,
And no religion, too.

What could be more suitable? Especially when followed by the well-known prayer "Our Father, who art in... oops!"

And he was such a nice young lad...

THE GUESTS: Invite anyone who is or was a president or vice-president, or who is married to such a person. Never mind that Kamala hates Donald, Donald hates Mike, Joe is dreaming of ice-cream, Bill is checking out all the girls present, Michelle can't stand any of the others and won't come, W thinks there may be weapons of mass destruction in the cathedral, Al is hoping to cash in on the global warming caused by the service, etc. etc.

A rare moment when they're all behaving themselves.

Then watch them greet each other, sometimes enthusiastically, sometimes with a scowl, sometimes by ignoring their neighbours completely. You haven't seen such behaviour since you last went to a Mass/Communion/Eucharist/Lord's Supper and someone kicked you in the shins during the "Sign of Peace"!

You can be sure that they won't spend much time sitting quietly and trying to look holy. They would never have advanced in politics if they were into things like that.

Well, I hope that advice was helpful. Catholics will tend to do things slightly differently, but Pope Leo XIII seems to be in robust health, and it will be a while before a funeral is needed.

In robust health.

Taylor Marshall to stand for Pope?

Following the declaration of his candidature for President of the United States, Dr Taylor Marshall, the author, podcaster, Youtuber, and father of 27 children, has declared himself "ready to stand" in the 2032 papal conclave.

At least one of these is our future Pope!

"After two terms as President, I shall be looking for a new venture," explained the author, podcaster, Youtuber... (get on with it!) "and I shall be happy to offer my services as Holy Father, Renaissance Man, and Saviour of the Church." Admittedly, Dr Marshall would then be the first Pope since the middle ages to bear 27 children, but, having comprehensively beaten Taylor Swift in a "Which Taylor would you vote for?" Twitter poll, his popularity is beyond question.

Taylor Swift - unlikely to be either President or Pope.

So what policies do we expect Dr Marshall to follow, as President and then Pope? As a devout Catholic^TM he will naturally follow Joe Biden go for the exact opposite of Joe Biden's policies: he will be pro life, anti the LGBTQSJ agenda, and generally favour traditional Catholicism. This will go down badly in the White House, and probably badly in the Vatican too. But the time has come for change.